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Mafuyu had a simple to-do list. She tucked her hands into the pockets of her coat, weaving through the crowds on the sidewalk, keeping her head down as she whispered to herself in time with her steps.
“Paper store. Enanan’s house. Home centre.”
Nobody seemed to notice her at all. She moved as quickly as she could, heeled boots tapping against the cement, watching everyone else’s shoes and shadows to avoid running into anyone. It was only three things. Paper store. Enanan’s house. Home centre.
She could do three things. She went to the paper store all the time, picking up school supplies for herself, work supplies for her mother. Today was no different. She needed lined notecards to study for her history exam. Highlighters for the same reason. A new eraser, since hers was just a grey nub that did nothing but smudge.
She needed cash.
Mother said be good, Mother said be nice…
It was relatively warm outside, a pleasant Japanese spring. Still, Mafuyu wrapped her jacket tighter around herself, trembling underneath the thick purple wool.
That was always her advice…
“I’m headed out, Mother. I’ll be back soon, but I’ve heard it’s crowded out there. Lots of sales today.”
Her mother nodded, watching her with a soft expression, not a trace of suspicion in her eyes. Mafuyu’s stomach twisted. Her mother may have been strict, a bit cruel sometimes, but she trusted her.
“Okay, Mafuyu. Find me a new planner while you’re out, okay? A pretty one. And you can use my card for whatever else you need.”
Mafuyu nodded, smiling in return— not too wide, not too tight-lipped, not too fake— trying not to wince as her mother slipped a credit card into her hand hard enough to dig into her skin.
“Thank you.”
Silently, she updated the list of lies she’d been keeping in her head. She’d tell her mother that the paper store was out of planners, or at least pretty ones, all snatched up in the Sunday rush, and her mother would believe her.
Mafuyu swallowed hard, turning away from the table. Her mother had no reason not to believe her. Mafuyu had never been the type to lie to her family. She wasn’t good at it, either; not enough practice, too many nerves. It was one of the only things her mother had ever taught her to be bad at.
Maybe nobody would ask her any questions. A lie of omission.
She buttoned up her coat, tucking her mother’s card into her purse. Her mother had her head down again, focused on whatever she was doing in her journal. Mafuyu turned away to leave, but her hand lingered on the doorknob. She wasn’t quite sure what she was waiting for. She wasn’t exactly part of an “I love you” type of family.
If her mom said something, though, it might fix her. Might change her plans, snap her out of it, rip up her lists of tasks and excuses and lies. If her mother said she loved her. Maybe she’d realise how reckless all of this was. Maybe she’d decide she didn’t need to go through with it after all.
Her mother glanced up, confusion mingling with concern in her eyes. Mafuyu shrugged, holding tighter to her bag.
“Aren’t you leaving?”
“Yes. Sorry.” Mafuyu zipped up her purse, taking a deep breath. “I’ll go.”
Mafuyu’s mother smiled again, shaking her head slightly as she dipped her pen back into the pot of ink. Mafuyu could almost hear what she was thinking. Silly girl. “The sooner you leave, the better chance you have of beating the crowds.”
“Right.”
So be nice, Mafuyu, good, Mafuyu—
She stood on the welcome mat just inside the paper store, a silver bell chiming above her head to let the single cashier know someone was inside.
She couldn’t see anyone else in the store.
Nice. Good. Good. Nice.
“Just these, please,” Mafuyu said, dipping her head at the cashier. “I have a big project to study for.”
The cashier smiled politely, pulling everything across the counter and scanning her items one by one. Two packages of notecards. A box of thick highlighters. A white eraser that promised to offer exponential support . A purple notebook for good measure. “Would you like anything else?” Mafuyu scanned the counter: pens and pencils with cute silicone figures on top, fruit-shaped erasers, Silly Putty, packs of gum. Amia might like the Bonbonribbon pen, and maybe her mother would find the erasers cute…
Who was she kidding? She’d find them ridiculous. A waste of money, a waste of time. Her father might like them, but his smile would fade as soon as her mother started talking, and he’d take a step back, nodding solemnly while she lectured.
She had to stay on track. She could get Amia a cute pen later.
Mafuyu opened her mouth to say no before she remembered. Enanan’s house. Home centre.
“I need 6,000 yen in cash back. Please.” She held her breath, watching the cashier, hoping she wouldn’t ask any questions. That’s a lot of money. Why do you need that much? Why do you need any in the first place? What are you doing? Where are you going? What’s wrong with you? Why are you lying to your mother?
Mafuyu squeezed one of her hands into a fist, crushing her thumb, biting her tongue to bring herself back to reality. It wasn’t lying. Just deception. The difference was small, but it was enough for her to cling to. Besides, what was the harm in having a bit of spending money? A bit of cash her mother couldn’t track?
“Ma’am?”
Mafuyu’s head snapped up. “Sorry?”
The cashier stared at her with a tired expression. “I said, did you want a bag for all this?” Mafuyu nodded, reaching out for the cash laid on the counter and tucking it into her pocket. “Okay. Thank you. Come again.”
“Thank you,” Mafuyu replied, slipping the handles of the bag over her wrist. “I will.”
She headed outside, pausing at the edge of the sidewalk, leaning against a light pole to check her phone. No new messages . Particularly, nothing from her mother, and that was her main concern. She scrolled through her older notifications. An email here, a grade update there… Right. She’d meant to reply to that message Shinonome-kun had sent her while she was walking.
dad dragged me shopping but i left it in a bag for u, come around the back, its on the porch under chair w red cushion. call if u need help.
Okay, Mafuyu typed, rereading Shinonome-kun’s message and screenshotting it, adding subpoints to the to-do list in her mind. Paper store, check. Cash, check. Notecards, highlighters, erasers. Enanan’s house— back porch, red cushion. Home centre. In and out. I’ll leave you the money in the same place, weighed down with a rock.
A thumbs-up reaction appeared at the corner of her message, and she nodded, went over her list one more time, and deleted the thread.
The only other new notification she had was from her banking app, and that was no surprise— she’d felt it buzz against her hip as soon as the charge had gone through. Staples: ¥7,904. Mafuyu’s chest tightened as she checked for the green icon next to the charge. Reviewed by account owner.
So it was fine. Her mother had seen it and hadn’t asked questions. No new messages. And the bag she’d gotten would help her conceal her purchases, make it look like she’d bought more than three things, something that actually would’ve cost that much money. And of course her mother wouldn’t question her in the first place, wouldn’t even think to complain. Anything for Mafuyu’s education. She could say she’d needed some sort of really fancy expensive ink pen.
Mafuyu squared her shoulders, tucking her phone back into her purse, her skin crawling where her hand brushed against her pocket. Such a thin layer of fabric between the world and her biggest secret.
What’s the good of being good?
She shook her head. Not lying. Just deception. Just hiding. A lie of omission.
If everyone is blind?
The Shinonome family lived on a steep hill, and of course, they lived on the very top. Mafuyu sighed, struggling up past mailboxes and perfectly groomed yards, three-story houses looming over her as she tried to keep going. Her chest felt like it was burning, but she didn’t stop moving. Everything felt like a sign to slow down, to stop, to turn around and tear up the money and go back home, tucking herself away under her mother’s wing, but this time she had people counting on her. She’d told Amia what she was doing, and Amia had been so excited. Shinonome-kun was probably depending on the money. And Mafuyu had already told so many lies. At this point a few more would be negligible.
She paused for a moment, looking up at the houses, seeing faces in all the windows and doors, all of them mocking her. There were security cameras on almost every porch. Maybe she could ask Shinonome-san to— why would Mother be looking at Shinonome-san’s security footage?
It didn’t matter. She couldn’t risk it. Just in case. Her mother would be mad at her, so unbelievably mad at her, and even more mad when she found out what Mafuyu had done— sneaking around, lying, wasting money— she wouldn’t put it past her to search for the footage, search for the receipts, gather every bit of evidence there was, lining it all up, piecing it all together— but Mafuyu was going to go crazy if she had to live like this any longer.
Besides, what was that thing that Enanan had said a while ago? About how..?
“Dad’s so paranoid. There’s cameras literally all around our house, but they’re not hooked up to anything. Just decoys. He says they’ll scare robbers away or something.” Mafuyu remembered Enanan talking about it, how she’d been so close to saying something about how that was a clever idea when Enanan interrupted her with he’s so stupid, and she’d closed her mouth and nodded, laughing along with the rest of Niigo. At the time, she’d felt ridiculous, almost ashamed. But now she was grateful for the embarrassment, if only because it meant she remembered.
Mafuyu picked up her pace, hauling herself up the rest of the hill and heading confidently around to the back of the Shinonomes’ house like she belonged there, the plastic bag rustling as it swung around her arm. She stood in their backyard, scanning her surroundings. She’d thought her house was nice, and she’d known Enanan was rich, but this was… bordering on excessive, for four people. Each story of the house was practically a house in itself, and it looked like they had a basement. One floor per family member? No wonder Enanan’s family never interrupted her calls.
There wasn’t time to contemplate the nicely planted trees or pretty dark wood fence. Mafuyu had things to do. Back porch, red cushion. She could take the train back home, and there was a home centre less than a kilometre in the right direction. In and out. No questions asked.
Always leaving you behind?
Mafuyu pressed herself against the wall of the train car, offering polite murmurings to the hurried strangers who brushed past her on their way to the doors. She held tight to the bundle under her coat, clutching the buttons, pressing it against her side with her elbow. She’d misjudged how big Shinonome-kun’s binder would be. They were similarly sized, so she wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she couldn’t get it to fit in her bag. She’d had a moment of panic before reverting to logic. It was either hide it under her jacket or have it sticking out of her purse, and she figured… her mother had no reason to get too close…
She imagined what her mother would say when she got home. She probably wouldn’t even look up from the piece she was working on, but she’d thank Mafuyu for the errand, and Mafuyu would explain how there were no planners left at the paper store because of all the people when in reality she hadn’t even checked. Her mother would be disappointed, but she couldn’t argue if they were completely out-of-stock. She’d just go pick out her own planner later, and Mafuyu would agree, slide her mother’s card out of her coat pocket and set it on the table, and then she’d go upstairs and say goodbye to her peace and quiet forever.
She almost wished there was something else she could do. Something she could say, to tell her mother she loved her before she burned it all down. But she’d have to act as natural as she could if she wanted to be left alone.
I got it, she texted Shinonome-kun, holding her phone in one unsteady hand. The money is under the cushion. Thank you.
Without warning, the train screeched to a stop, throwing her off balance and into someone’s side. It’s normally supposed to ring a bell when it stops… “Sorry,” she mumbled, stumbling backwards. “This is my— oh. Shinonome-san.” She hoped the light in the train was too low for Shinonome-san to see her blushing. Act like you haven’t just been trespassing in his yard. “How— how are you, sir?”
Before he could reply, Shinonome-kun jumped in. “Um, Dad,” he said, tugging on his father’s sleeve, “this car seems a little crowded. Let’s go further down that way.”
He glanced at Mafuyu over his father’s shoulder, smiling and giving her a thumbs-up. She gave him what she hoped was a thankful smile in return, sliding out the open door.
Never mind, Mafuyu, kind Mafuyu—
Shinonome Akito: u dropped the package on the train btw
dw i snagged it for u
i’ll get it to u somehow, is it ok if i give it to ena to pass along
Asahina Mafuyu: No.
Mafuyu pulled her coat tighter around her waist, guilt sitting heavy in her stomach. Shinonome-kun had put so much effort into wrapping it up and hiding it for her, planting it in an easy-to-find but easy-to-ignore spot. He’d stayed up late texting her, and even the fact that he’d answered her in the first place... well. If someone she hardly knew had texted her falling over themselves mid-crisis, she probably would’ve blocked them. But Shinonome-kun had read it, replied, talked her through everything she was confused and scared about and offered her endless solutions until they found one that worked. Despite her anxiety, Mafuyu smiled. Her to-do list was written in his handwriting.
She’d hardly been able to get Shinonome-kun to let her pay, refusing to relent through all his pestering, eventually telling him she wouldn’t take it at all if he didn’t accept her money, and if he kept fighting her, she’d just leave the money with him and give him no choice but to take it.
And now he was being kind again. He’d seen her drop it and grabbed it for her. She sighed, pushing open the door to the home centre. She honestly wasn’t even sure if they’d have what she needed here, but she wasn’t sure where else to go. It didn’t really matter, anyway. Worst case scenario she had scissors in her drawer at home. They probably wouldn’t do as good of a job, but it wasn’t like it was ever going to look nice.
Nice was never the goal anyway.
“Um, excuse me,” she asked, conjuring all her courage and stepping up to the counter. “Would I be able to find some sort of heavy-duty scissors somewhere?”
She tried to stop her hands from shaking. She had the same feeling as she’d gotten earlier in the paper store— the sense that the employee would be able to see straight through her, past the thin, pretty, high-achieving girl she saw in the mirror. Like the man behind the counter could see the remaining half of the cash smoldering in her pocket. Like he could see what she was going to do with those heavy-duty scissors she wanted, and he knew just how immoral and deceptive she’d become. She wasn’t her mother’s perfect daughter anymore. Soon everyone would know it.
But right now, to everyone else in the store, she was just a normal girl making a normal purchase. Mafuyu smiled at the man, tilting her head. “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that.”
“Aisle four,” he replied, unamused at her inattention. “Do you want me to walk you there, miss?”
“No,” Mafuyu breathed, already turning to leave. She needed to do this on her own.
Nice, good, nice…
“Mother,” Mafuyu called, gently closing the door behind her and slipping her feet out of her shoes. The scissors hadn’t been as expensive as she’d expected, but if she gave the change to her mother she’d be sure to ask where it had come from, so Mafuyu had tucked it into the waistband of her underwear. “I’m home.” She walked into the entry way with an attempt at a regular, confident stride, the plastic bag from the paper store brushing against her side. “The shop was out of planners.” She envisioned her list of lies and technicalities, inhaling and exhaling as she crossed another one off. “They— um. They’d all been purchased before I could get there.”
“That’s okay, Mafuyu,” her mother replied. “Why are you so worried? I can get a planner another day.” She pushed her chair back from the table, standing up, and for a moment Mafuyu got a glimpse of her mother coming up to her and hugging her, maybe even kissing her head, comforting her the way she’d always read about in books.
“You look so anxious, Mafuyu,” her mother continued, bringing her back to the real world. “Did something happen while you were out?”
Suddenly infatuated with the ground, Mafuyu shook her head. “No, Mother. Everything’s okay.”
“Alright,” her mother said, turning and busying herself at the counter. “Well, I’ll make your favourite meal for dinner tonight. Just in case.”
Tightness grew in Mafuyu’s chest, squeezing her heart until it hurt. She held the bag from the shop to her chest, trying to take deep breaths. She’d finished the list. Now she just had to… change her entire life. Forever. Her mother would probably never make her favourite meal again, at least not for her. Her favourite food would become just another dish in the cookbook. Her mother would probably refuse to admit she’d ever existed, keeping Mafuyu’s name locked far away in the back of her mind until she forgot it had ever belonged to someone. Thin plastic rustled in Mafuyu’s trembling hands. It was an average day, maybe even a nice one. She was about to ruin it completely.
“Mom?” she asked softly. Her mother didn’t react. “Um. Mommy?”
“Mafuyu,” her mother replied, voice thin and full of fear as she hurried across the kitchen, heels clicking on the hardwood. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
“It’s— it’s nothing,” Mafuyu mumbled unconvincingly, wiping her eyes. So much for acting natural. “It’s just— it’s just that— I know we don’t really speak of it. But, um. I love you.”
“Mafuyu,” her mother said again, taking a small step backward. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Nothing,” Mafuyu replied, ducking her head and letting her overgrown bangs hide her eyes. “I’m going upstairs to study.” She didn’t give her mother a chance to reply, turning and running up the stairs, her purse in one hand and the plastic bag in the other. She’d never heard her heart beat so loud before, and it sort of scared her, but she had so many other things to be afraid of. She didn’t have any time to dwell on it. She pulled the scissors she’d bought out of her pocket. She’d taken them out of the packaging outside the store, cutting the cardboard into little pieces along with the receipt, watching the scraps fall into the garbage can. No evidence.
Just the strangely large charge on her debit card. Just the shifty way she’d been acting all day, something her mother would definitely have noticed if she wasn’t so absorbed in her project. Just the new texts with Shinonome-kun she’d forgotten to delete— she definitely needed to do that later. But first… she’d come this far. She’d lied to so many people. She couldn’t disappoint Shinonome-kun and Amia.
She looked at herself in the mirror— sweaty, bright red, tangled.
She couldn’t disappoint herself. She leaned over the sink and splashed some cold water on her face, pressing chilly hands to her burning cheeks. She had to focus. Never mind the school acceptances, the internships, the hundred-and-four percents on exams. This was the most important thing she’d ever do.
Kind, good, nice—
Mafuyu took a deep breath, bunched her ponytail in one fist, screwed her eyes shut, and chopped it straight off. Goodbye, Mother.
She shook her head, letting her hair fall around her chin. She’d done a terrible job with the haircut— it was ragged, patchy, and she’d completely missed multiple spots, but Amia had promised to help her clean up the edges, so that hardly mattered. Slowly, she raised one of her hands to the bottom of her new bob, running her fingers through the uneven edges. Maybe she could trim it. Just a little bit more. A little bit shorter. Up to the ears?
The scissors were still in her hand, long purple hairs caught between the blades. She tapped them against the counter, watching the strands float to the floor. She met her own eyes in the mirror, leaning forward just a little, tilting her head to see around the sides.
She held her breath while she snipped, the room silent apart from the bustling downstairs and the shriek of the scissors in her ear. Her hair fell softly onto her hands and wrists. She leaned back, brushing the hair off her skin, looking herself up and down.
Her hair curled up at the ends now. It was sort of cute.
She set the scissors down on the counter. Her reflection was stoic, standing perfectly straight. She watched him pull his jacket tighter around himself, copying her movements as she let her hands fall to her sides, taking a couple steps back, shuffling in a slow circle and watching the piles of hair shift under her feet.
He looked back up to the mirror, watching himself with a crooked smile. Carefully, he slid his arms out of the wool jacket, letting it fall to the floor beside him. He raised his hand, giving himself a small wave. Goodbye, Mafuyu.