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She’s quiet when he walks on to set that morning. Quiet and lonely and sad. Very sad.
He can see the tears welling up in her eyes and while he doesn’t understand why she’s so close to crying, all he wants to do is wrap his arms around her and hold her close. Shielding her from whatever may have upset her, simultaneously swearing he’ll make it better.
And it’s barely seven in the morning.
He dropped his bag next to her seat, smiling at her as she looked up at him, wiping at her eyes and trying to hide the hurt that he knew was there. He stepped forward, encasing her in his arms and cooing to her as she buried her face in his shoulder. She shuddered, taking a deep guttural breath as she tried to control her emotions and he whispered in her ear. “Whatever it is Alex, you’ll be okay.”
She sniffled, pulling away and smiling sadly. “Of course darling.”
He shook his head, drawing her closer because he knew that she didn’t believe what he’d said. She fell in to his arms silently, accepting his comfort as she wrapped her arms around his waist. He kissed her temple, mumbling ‘you’ll be okay’ against her forehead as he stroked her hair and she nodded slightly, lowering her head until she was silently crying in to his shoulder. He could feel the dampness of her tears through the shirt he’d worn that morning, her fists curling at his back to grip the fabric tightly. He shushed her, rubbing circles against her back while the crew bustled passed them, the occasional glance of concern but he shook his head, steering them away while Alex slowly gathered her emotions and pushed them back down.
She pulled away again, sliding from her chair and with a watery smile and a kiss to his cheek, wandered away towards hair and make-up. He watched her leave, concerned and distracted. He didn’t like it when Alex was upset, didn’t like it when she cried and then pushed people away. It wasn’t healthy, and he wasn’t going to let this one go. She’d never brought whatever upset her to work before, always putting on a façade and slipping straight in to character before she’d even left her car. Whatever was going on now was particularly difficult for Alex, and he wasn’t going to back down on this one.
All throughout the day, Matt stayed by Alex’s side, his arm thrown around her shoulder as he jokingly spoke about Karen visiting the set next week and how they should all pretend they forgot who she was. Alex had swatted at his arm, declaring that no one would do that to the poor girl and that he was horrible for coming up with such an idea. And while she was smiling, joking back with him, her smile never reached her eyes and her eyes had never looked so lifeless to him.
He was scared for her.
Matt kept his eyes on her all day, never letting her out of his sight and going frantic when he couldn’t see her. Jenna had at first, found it cute and endearing, that he seemed so smitten. But soon she grew tired of his lack of attention and focus. He tried to tell her that he was worried for Alex; that something wasn’t right and he was concerned, but Jenna had walked away, stating Alex was a big girl and didn’t need a boy like him to watch over her. But he saw her glance to Alex, biting her lip as she saw what he’d seen.
Filming ended quietly that day. It was new for them, something they weren’t used to. Usually, the last scene of that day ended with a full take of just improvisation, nothing but joking around and having fun, letting off steam at the end of the week. But today was quiet. Alex had been silent for the day, only speaking her lines and offering greetings to those that said hello. Matt was so focused on Alex that he wasn’t as joyful and jumpy as usual. And Jenna had finally seen the genuine concern and the exact reason for it, her own worry growing by the second as Alex sat by herself in the corner, refusing to speak to anyone and wallowing in her thoughts.
As he drove back from set, he had an idea and immediately turned around, pulling up to a particularly good bakery that he knew Alex adored. Buying what he needed, he loaded his gifts in to his car and drove to Alex’s, carrying the bags up the stairs and knocking on her door, balancing everything in his arms and hoping they didn’t fall.
They didn’t.
Alex opened the door, her eyes red-rimmed and her hair in disarray, drenched in an oversized jumper that absolutely drowned her small frame. She sniffled, shaking her head as her lips fell open. “Matt? Matt – What are you doing here?”
Her voice was so small, so timid and nothing at all like the Alex he knew. He didn’t like it, and that’s exactly why he was there. He stepped passed her without a word, walking down her hall as she watched him open mouthed before shutting the door and following him. “Matt?”
He dropped the bags carefully on the counter, pulling out food and drinks and a tub of ice-cream. Finally removing a white box and holding it out to her. She took it carefully, confused at his appearance. Slowly, she pulled the lid off and tears welled up in her eyes again, a soft smile on her lips as she pulled out a white chocolate and coconut rough cupcake. He knew they were her favourites, something she only indulged in every few months. She looked up at him, a tear slipping down her cheek. ‘Thank you’, she mouthed to him as he circled the kitchen bench to where she was standing, reaching up and wiping the tear away gently. ‘It’s okay’ he mouthed back, even though he was directly in front of her. She looked up at him, closing her eyes as she took a shuddering breath and tried to hold back the tears. He took the cupcake from her hands, placing it on the counter and steering her towards the couch in the corner.
“Matt –“
He shushed her, sitting down and pulling her down beside him, his arms holding her to him as her head fell to rest on his shoulder. “Let it out Alex. It’s okay. Let it out.”
She turned her head upward, her shoulders shaking as she looked in to his eyes and finally let out a deep shaky sob. She closed her eyes as the tears slipped down her cheek, her arms moving to wrap around his neck as she cried in to his shoulder. “Ma-att” Her voice was shaky, stuttering as she tried to speak. He shushed her again, shaking her head. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m right here.”
He held her to his side as she cried, rubbing circles on her shoulder and running his fingers through her hair in an effort to soothe her. Alex curled further in to his side, burrowing her head in to his neck as hot tears slid on his sleeve.
Slowly, her shaking subsided and her breathing evened out. He glanced down, thinking maybe the crying had taken its toll and she’d fallen asleep. Her eyes were closed, and her lips parted just slightly. He smiled, glancing up to the kitchen where he’d left the food and sighed. Carefully, he slipped from the couch, lifting Alex in to his arms as gently as he could, and carried her down the hall to her bedroom. Laying her down, he pulled the covers over her shoulders and softly wiped the tear tracks from her cheeks. Standing, he stretched the cramp in his shoulder and wandered down the hall, placing the food in Alex’s fridge and cleaning everything he could find.
He was going to leave then; just pack everything away, write her a note and head home. But something made him stop. He couldn’t leave her alone. He didn’t want her to wake up with only a hastily scribbled post-it left on the counter. Moving down the hall, he pushed open her bedroom door slowly, leaning against the doorway and watching her sleep. The curtain was open just a crack, and the light from outside streamed in, lighting up her face. He sighed, looking to the ground as he noticed that she was, once again, crying. He crossed the room, drawing the curtain closed and sliding next to Alex, sitting on the edge of the bed and he once again brushed the tears away with his thumb. He moved his hand, prepared to push himself off Alex’s bed and move to the living room. Alex had the most comfortable couch he knew; and while it wouldn’t be his idea sleeping arrangement, it’d do for him.
Alex gripped his wrist, holding him to her side as her eyes fluttered open. “Stay”. Her voice was raw, filled with sadness and need. He smiled, slipping his shoes off and climbing up the bed to lie beside Alex. He lifted his shoulder, letting her crawl in to his side and wrap her arms around his waist. He pulled the duvet over the both of him as she curled in to his body, seeking comfort as she drifted back to sleep. He tilted his head, kissing just above her temple as he listened to her occasionally hitched breath and soon – he was fast asleep.
XX
Matt woke the following morning feeling stiff in his back, and slightly disorientated. He had no idea where he was. The walls were lighter in colour than his, the bedding completely different. He tried to move, to shift just a little, but a warm body prevented his movement. He glanced down, blinking blearily as sleep drifted from his eyes, and he was met with curls. Alex’s curls. Crazy and wild, even more so than usual. She was still drawn in to his side, her head rested on his chest and her arms still wrapped around his waist. He noticed the small smile on her lips, a welcome sight as opposed to her trembling cries that he witnessed the night before
She shifted in his arms, mumbling something unintelligible and turning her head inward, hiding her eyes as she blinked them open. “Kingston?” He murmured, careful not to jostle her. “Kingston, up you get.”
She whined, shaking her head and gripping him tighter. “Five more minutes.”
He grinned, shaking his head and tapping her shoulder gently. She swatted his hand away, shaking her shoulder and groaning. “No.” He tapped her again, stifling his laughter as she swore, lifting herself up on her forearms and glancing around. She rubbed at her eyes, blinking as the haze of sleep released her from its clutches. She finally focused on him, staring at her with a small smile, and she looked down, noting the arm casually thrown around her shoulders, pressing her in to his side. It took her a moment to remember all that had happened, and he could see the panic in her eyes. Did she think we did something? She relaxed in to his arms, leaning her head back down on his shoulder and tilting her head up, kissing him on the cheek softly. “Thank you.”
He smiled, his eyes soft and showing something she hadn’t seen in a long time. “Anything for you Kingston.”
She smiled again, resting against him and falling in to a comfortable silence. He remained where he was, despite the pain in his back and the cramp in his arm. To be honest; he couldn’t be fucked moving. In fact, he didn’t really want to.
“It’s stupid.” He glanced down at her, cocking his head to the side as he studied her face. She wasn’t looking at him, more like staring at the closed curtains, although her eyes were unfocused, unseeing. “What I was upset about? It’s stupid. It’s not something that should affect me – but it does, or did.” Her voice was soft, small and for a moment, something he couldn’t put his finger on. There was something in her that wasn’t there yesterday.
Acceptance.
“Florian called yesterday.” Matt tensed, rolling through scenarios and problems that could have had her so upset. Nothing came to mind though; well, Salome had. But she would have a right to be upset if it was something about Salome, so it couldn’t be her. And her ex-husband was a right bastard anyway, and Matt was sure Alex was more than used to dealing with him. “Alex?”
She sighed, continuing to stare at the covered window, either ignoring him, or not having heard him. “We had a row. Nothing really new about that I suppose. But –“ She bit her lip, taking a deep breath. “But he said something. About me. It’s just – It’s really stupid Matt, I’m sorry for worrying you.”
Matt shook his head, placing his index finger under her chin and lifting her head up to look at him. “Tell me. It’s not stupid if it upset you.” She bit her lip, shaking her head as a faint blush rose to her cheeks. In all the time he’d known Alex, blushing was a rarity for her. It was usually the other party that felt themselves redden whenever she was around. “Alex. Tell me.”
She sighed, closing her eyes and once again gnawing on her bottom lip. “Am I – Am I needy Matt?”
Matt frowned, choking on his answer. “W-what? Kingston, what are you on about?”
“Flo. He said I was ‘needy and desperate’. I just – It was something said to me before. By – By Ralph.”
Matt cursed, shaking his head as he sat up, ignoring the shooting pain down his back and the stiffness of his arm. “Alex. Listen to me okay. You are not now, nor were you ever, ‘needy and desperate’. You are perfect okay? The only bad thing about you is your decision in men.” He tilted her slowly lowering head, forcing her to look at him. “He’s wrong. The both of them were wrong okay?”
Alex bit her lip, and for a moment Matt was distracted. She’ll start bleeding soon. He shook his head, clearing his throat. “Okay?” He stressed, determined to make her believe him.
He hated when she got like this. There was one other time she’d been so insecure, so self-conscious; and the parasites that surrounded them at the time made a right good show of it. No wonder Alex was so determined to be left alone. She didn’t want her picture in those no good gossip rags, just like last time.
“Why?”
He broke from his thoughts, focusing on her as she looked down, picking at the loose threads of the blanket still covering their laps. “Why what?”
Alex sighed, looking up at him and shrugging her shoulders, throwing her hands in the air and huffing in exasperation. “Why did you stay last night? Why are you telling me these things? Matt – He’s right. I cling to people because so many have just – left me and I know they do that because of me. It’s always me Matt. I’m clingy, and needy, and desperate and all I do is take orders. I have since – since The Academy. And I –“
“Alex.”
Alex fell silent, the stern tone of his voice and the dark look in her eyes causing her to shrink visibly. He relaxed, shaking his head and pulling her in to his arms. “Just – stop. Please. You aren’t any of those things. I wish you could see how everyone else sees you. How your fans see you. How I see you. Alex – There isn’t a single thing I’d change about you – Except for the way you see yourself.”
Alex shook her head, trying to pull away but he held on to her tighter. His thumb rubbed circles on the bare skin of her shoulder, goosebumps rising where the pad of his thumb ran over. “I stayed last night, because you asked me too. I was going to go sleep on your couch, but you asked me to stay. And I did. And I’m telling you these things Alex – because it’s true. You deserve to be happy, to be loved and cared for – And the jackasses that hurt you don’t know what they’re missing.”
Alex took a shuddered breath, biting the inside of her cheek. He continued on, speaking without really thinking, but with an intention in mind. He wasn’t going to let Alex just go on believing she wasn’t worth the world, because he knew she was. He’d known for a while, bucking up the courage had just never been an easy task. But now? Now all he knew was that Alex didn’t believe anyone could truly love her – And he was going to prove her wrong.
“I know you don’t believe me. I know that you’ve been hurt, and scarred, and that you may never properly move on from that. I know you Alex. I know you like your tea scalding hot, two sugars and just a dash of milk. I know you prefer to wear your hair down because it’s too much of a hassle to tie it all up. I know that you have trouble deciding what to wear because you quite literally want to wear everything – and sometimes you do. I know when you’re thinking – you bite your lip softer than you usually do, and you tap your finger on your elbow. I know when you’re angry, or about to be angry – you crinkle your nose just a tiny bit and purse your lips. I know when you’re upset – you get quieter and your smile never reaches your eyes. I know you Alex, and I know that you’re not going to believe a single word I’ve said to you. But I wish you would. I wish you would see what I see when I look at you. You are so much more than what you think you are.”
Alex looked at him, wide eyed and with her lips parted ever so slightly. She was taking in what he’d said, he could tell. She shook her head, clearing her thoughts. “Matt – “She whispered, her hand moving to slide up his chest and he realized he’d moved; slid across the blankets until he was kneeling in front of her. He grabbed her hand, lifting it to his lips and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. She tilted her head, closing her eyes and sighed. “Matt –“
“Trust me?”
She opened her eyes, her entrancing eyes shining with unshed tears and she nodded. “Always.”
He smiled, leaning forward as her hand slid to the back of his neck. She leant back as he crept forward, hovering over her with his knees either side of her legs and his hands holding him up, placed beside her shoulders. “So much more.” He whispered, and he watched as she swallowed, nervousness and confusion, hesitancy showing in her eyes and he knew he only had one chance. One chance to make her see that he had been in love with her since the day they’d met.
“You’re perfect Kingston, because you’re not. You don’t care about how you dress, you don’t care about material things. You fight for inane reasons like not putting tea cups in the dishwasher and you’ll throw a DVD case at my head if I annoy you.” He spoke, muttering the words just low enough for her to hear, but the lack of volume made this moment even more intimate. “You are gorgeous, and there are times when I think you know you are; you flirt with anything and everything, even when you don’t realize you’re doing it. You walk with a slight sway when you know you’re looking good, and you’ll walk with a tiny bounce when you’re in a good mood.”
He leant down, his lips barely touching hers and he could feel the heat radiating from her body, could hear the slight hitch in her breath and feel the tiny scrape of her nails on his neck. “I wish you could see that. But I know you don’t. So – If you’ll have me – I’ll be here to remind you. Because you deserve love Alex – And that’s all I’ve got for you.”
Alex’s lip trembled, a small smile creeping across her lips and her laughed, huffing slightly as she leant up and captured his lips with hers, pulling him down by his neck and he fell against her. She nipped at his bottom lip with her teeth, soothing the slight sting with her tongue and licked along the bite. He opened his mouth, surrendering to her in more ways than simply physically. “Alex – Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll stop.” He mumbled against her mouth. Though he knew she had first kissed him, she wasn’t exactly put together, and he wasn’t going to take advantage of her vulnerability. Not like that. He wanted her to see him, as more than just a friend or a co-worker. And while he wouldn’t want to stop, he would if she asked.
Alex shook her head, pulling away and leaning her forehead against his. “I-I can’t give you everything Matt. I just – I can’t. I don’t want to get hurt again. I don’t think I’ll survive it.”
Matt closed his eyes, his heart racing as she spoke. He wasn’t going to hurt her. He wouldn’t let that happen; couldn’t let that happen. But he understood. He understood her need to protect herself, the basic survival instinct to just build up the walls and hope they don’t fall. “But –“
He opened his eyes, looking at her with a slight shine as she sighed, nodding her head. “I asked you to stay.” Matt frowned, confused. He had said that, hadn’t he? “Yeah?” Alex smiled, the tremble in her lip having long ago disappeared as a small smile took its place. “And you did.” Matt nodded, still hovering over her as Alex slid her hand up his neck to tangle in his hair. “I’ve asked people to stay before – begged them practically. You’re the first one who ever did.”
Matt smiled, hiding the growl that was just waiting to spring from his throat. He cursed her exes names, smiling at her. “And I always will. I mean it.”
Alex nodded, lifting her head and whispering. “I believe you.” Before she kissed him again, softly and not at all as demanding as she had been before.
And he really hope she did.