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The church sat in a hush—everyone waited for me. I stood in the entrance of the church, the solid oak doors welcomed you into the stone pillared room, stained-glass windows painted the small house of God in a wash of colours. It was Dimitri’s favourite church, nestled between the community centre and the old school house. Not many humans attended the church, so no one questioned why Saint Vladimir was depicted so often in the art decorating the walls.
The sun shined behind me; Dimitri loved the sun, so of course that was the right time to do it.
It was perfect for our wedding.
It was perfect for his funeral.
People turned to look at me, waiting for me to take my first steps down the aisle.
I felt like I needed to roll my shoulders to shake off the oppressive weight of everyone's eyes. They were full of pity, and I didn't want it.
I didn't want to be there. I didn't want my reality to be true.
I wanted Dimitri back.
Dimitri smiled at me from the altar. It was only his eyes I focused on. Olena had gone all out with the decorations and Abe had funded it all. Neither Dimitri nor I cared how it looked, but the finished results were amazing.
Each pew had ribbons and flowers pinned to the end, lining the aisle with orange flowers.
The flowers were white. Or maybe it was that my world was in black and white. All the colour had left—all the warmth.
It grew colder with each step I took, bringing me closer to the front of the church where Dimitri…
Dimitri stood beside the priest, a beaming smile on his face and hands clasped in front of him. He appeared calm to others but I could see how he practically buzzed with excitement.
Today was the day.
I had been dreading it. I had to give a speech and somehow manage to fit in every single reason why I loved him so much, and why I would miss him every second of every day. Half of me was missing and would never come back.
I hadn't written what I wanted to say, unable to write a single letter. Each time I tried it meant I had to accept he was gone. It was too painful.
It was too much.
The music. The flowers. Lissa and Dimitri’s sisters dressed as bridesmaids. My way would have been in Vegas or at City Hall in front of a judge. Quick and easy.
Instead I wore a flowing white dress and my hair was pinned back with a veil woven in. It was a lot, and I found myself in love with it.
Never had marriage been in my five year plan, not until I met Dimitri. I suddenly dreamed of a day I never thought I would have.
A smile grew on my face, matching Dimitri's in size. He was so full of warmth. So happy. He was…
Cold.
Still.
God, he was so still.
Why was it an open casket?
Why was he displayed in the same place we took our vows?
I couldn't look away.
My eyes never left his. We stared at each other and said so much without a word spoken.
It was perfect.
I couldn’t want more.
I wanted more. I wanted so much more. I needed more time. There was so much I never said.
I couldn't remember the feeling of his hand on my skin. I couldn't remember how it felt when he touched my hair. I couldn't remember the sound of his laugh.
I didn't know I had so little time to memorise those moments.
I just wanted to feel…
Dimitri’s hand rested on my cheek, angling my head so our lips could meet. It was all a blur that I couldn't remember if I said my vows correctly, not that it mattered. Dimitri knew how I felt.
A cheer filled the church when we broke apart, facing our family and friends. Lissa reached over…
She grasped my hand tightly in hers, whispering something I didn't understand. I just kept looking at Dimitri.
Someone had put makeup on him to hide the discoloured skin of his broken neck. I almost laughed; Dimitri would have hated wearing makeup.
The beginning of a smile grew on my face, but I caught myself, and sobbed.
How could I smile?
I spun, desperately searching for an exit. The oak doors stood open and called to me.
Dimitri pulled me to a stop in the doorway, the stone arch above us. He kissed me again, lingering longer than before.
“I love you, Roza. More than anything,” he whispered against my cheek.
I swore my heart would burst from how happy I felt. “I love you too, Dimitri. I always will.”
I could never leave him.
“I'll always love you,” I whispered. I squeezed Lissa’s hand for strength as I placed my other hand on Dimitri’s cheek.
“Goodbye, Dimitri.”