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you bring sickness to me like no other illness.
those words stuck to your thin skull like rotting mold. mold that overtakes your soul like suffocating fog, drying your lungs with every painful breath you take. other than your past memories weighing your chest, of course.
what other way could he have departed from you? by taxi would be too cliche, by leaving your spare housekey on the table would be too overbearing. leaving you in a haste made decision just to push you away from him feels like he’s cutting you from throat to crotch, baring you open like a dug grave. if that were to really happen, you would imagine your muscles whisper of every instance you’ve enveloped him in a hug, and your bones sing songs of dear yearning. the world seemed so fragile in your eyes, and you could picture every continent splitting into threes, and nowhere else could you run from the terror. your world, sebastian, was breaking apart.
adorning his hands that used to hold you so close to him were rings made of rust resistant metal, in one of the bands spoke of your vows to each other. short, but in every aspect perfect.
together shorn of departing.
those were the words spewed in repetition every time you’ve caught yourselves in a tangled discourse. your relationship with sebastian wasn’t a smooth road so to speak, but no puddle or cliff couldn’t be overcome. it was what made you two so bound to each other.
an illness, your name to him now. he had nothing more and better to call you. whilst in your head, screamed all the heart fluttering nicknames he used to throw in the middle of a conversation to have you folded and melted. now, he burned unquenchable flame and you froze with numbing freeze. nothing to tear away your souls binded together with chains infinitely strong.
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you didn’t mind the days of being a restless husk of yourself, a soldier marching to the arches of death. no answers to your calls, no replies to your texts. you knew ultimately better than to have his number on speed dial, morever having him as your emergency contact. but it hurt, way too much when you don’t see that small circle picture of you and him in your notification drawer all wide eyed in wonder under a snow blanketed tree. that was his favourite photo of you together because he said you looked so in love, and he looked so satisfied with where he was in his life. in the echoing abyss you sought refuge in, the one night he rang your phone felt like he fished his hand in the sparta to lift you up. if you knew that the pull of the abyss was stronger, you would have preferred to be selfish and laid in it until you bloomed to be a person who could climb out yourself.
“look, i’m in a really bad situation right now and i know what we currently have between us isn’t something i can just forget,” sebastian said between panicked huffs, and from laying in bed you sat up in a perfect, unbent pose, eager for him to simply pull you through the phone because having this barrier between you was just an obstacle you couldn’t manipulate,
“tell me what i can do, seb.” you commanded, already slipping off the bed and sprinting straight to your doorstep. he had beholded you a story of how no one in his family is answering the phone, and if no one else does, he’ll be sent off without his family, or anyone for that matter, knowing of his whereabouts. you took the mission without another beat of your heart, dismissing your brain’s rationale.
the drive was warm in atmosphere, since your hands were gripping the steering wheel for dear life (along with the fear that if you let go, you might wake the reality of it) thus you had no time to turn the radio in hopes it’ll calm your nerves, or the air conditioner so you arrive to him without being damp with sweat. all you have in your mind, is seeing sebastian again, after so long.
the cold rain didn’t make it any less easier to spot him. but what made you unable to step forward was seeing him in between two guards, larger than him making him look small and frail. in all truthfulness, he really did look all helpless as the red and blue siren lights bounced off the shine on his wet, rain drenched hair. the metal handcuffs clink as he shivered, “you came,” sebastian cried, tears becoming indiscernible with the pouring rain. the heartbreak of seeing you used to love, almost on the brink of falling apart, is similar to the pain of when he left you with nothing.
“you called.”