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'If by just wiping me away, hundreds of millions of people rejoiced and no one held hatred for anything, then I couldn't be happier.'
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Again, I let myself into my empty flat. My expressionless mouth lets out a sigh as I survey the mess around me. This is my life: monotonous, boring and empty.
Truthfully, I don't know why I'm still here. I don't know why I'm living this meaningless existence. I don't even know how I ended up in such a state.
Regardless, I don't intend to be here much longer.
It's not like I have much to live for anyway. No family, no friends, failing grades - my future looks bleak, so why have one?
I flop on the sofa and commence the only activity that takes up my time: 'doomscrolling'. My feed is filled with people I could've been. Outings with friends, enjoying education, doing a fun job. I witness talents I couldn't even dream about, because I am simply capable of nothing. Occasionally, I'll take a look at the news to see what's happening in the outside world. War. Murder. Rape. What else should I expect? The world is just as messed up as I am.
You may wonder why I do this. Why do I spend all my time scrolling, scrolling, scrolling? Well now, it's a habit, but it started as a way to keep the darkness at bay. I live alone, so I used to find myself spending long periods of time with just my thoughts. That's when it appears. The overwhelming darkness that I just can't seem to say no to. Scrolling is the only resistance I have, and even that is starting to weaken.
So that's why I'm here now; scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, as usual. With a swipe of my thumb, I come across a video of someone fulfilling their dream of being an artist, however it is not their work that captures my attention, but their music choice instead. As strands of hair and eyelashes appear on their paper, a strange melody is playing. Confusion fills me as I find myself drawn more and more into this song. The only music I listen to is melancholic and purposeless - like me. But this? This feels hopeful and... uplifting. As I'm almost brought to tears by a silly song, I suddenly realise I can't understand the lyrics. They're in Chinese? Japanese? Some Asian language. For some reason, I decide to make a note of the title of the song: 'Because You're Here'.
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Two days on and I know I'm nearing the end. I can't keep going much longer. As I'm sitting in the shower, water stinging my arms and legs, I remember it. 'Because You're Here'. After my shower, I lie on my bed, but rather than the usual darkness, my mind races with that song instead. So much so that I am compelled to look it up by some invisible force. Whilst I'm typing it into my phone, I feel ridiculous. I've never looked up a song before, why now? What's so special about this? Shaking away my thoughts, I find a video with English subtitles.
The first few notes play and I can already feel tears threatening to fall down my face. When the lyrics start, I realise why. 'Even if I'm not loved, it's okay. If you're here I'm still able to sing.' 'Even if I'm not loved, it's okay. Because in the country of music full of odds and ends, I found something that's truly precious.' Something truly precious...
When the song ends, I'm a mess. Tears coat my face and I'm struggling to breathe through the sobs.
How is it possible to feel so strongly about a song?
I don't think I've felt emotions like this in years. In the wake of my sobs, are laughs. I'm laughing? What is happening? I listen to the song a few more times, crying each time, and make a decision. The girl in the song - Hatsune Miku? - is able to keep going, able to keep singing, because she finds 'something that's truly precious'.
What if I can do the same?
For the first time I've realised something: I don't want to be wiped away. I don't want to disappear. But for the longest time, that's felt like the only choice I had. But maybe - just maybe - if I can find something truly precious, I'll be able to sing too.
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Over the next few months, I find myself doing something other than doomscrolling. I looked up the artist of 'Because You're Here' - PinocchioP - and discovered Vocaloid music through him, as well as the passionate community that comes with it. Right now, I'm actually messaging a group of fellow PinocchioP fans (after listening to practically all of his songs, I think I can call myself a fan). No songs hit as hard as 'Because You're Here' - I still cry while listening to it - but I love listening to and talking about others.
- Have you listened to Super Superhero yet?
- Of course! It's epic!
It really is, and Pino's tuning is beautiful as always. -
- Have you got expo tickets yet?
- Yeah! Super excited, can't wait to meet you all!
- Me neither!!!
I froze, remembering I'd forgotten to buy a ticket. Rushing onto the website, I hurriedly bought one and let my friends know.
Wait a second.
I pause, slowly gathering my thoughts together.
Friends. I just called them my friends.
My eyes prick with tears as I have one final realisation. Not again, I think to myself, as I begin to cry again. Yet this time is different: they're happy tears. As I lie on my bed, once again bawling, I know. I found it - my precious something. It's my friends, because I have those now. Miku - I did it, I found it too. And for the first time in a very long time, I'm truly smiling.
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'Just because I'm alive, why do you smile so much? If you smile like that, no matter how sad, how much I want to disappear - if only all my reasons to say goodbye went away.'