Work Text:
even if i cover my ears, the daze gets louder
this empty sound is deafening
yeonjun is waiting for him at the corner of the street.
soobin notices him first. he’s typing away rapidly on his phone, texting someone. yeonjun is always texting someone, making plans, moving around, busy, busy, busy.
he’s dressed casually, exuding all the charm of a rockstar on his day off. a distressed tank and a delicate little choker around his neck. soobin’s eyes naturally wander, past smooth shoulders, down his arms to his wrist—adorned by a bracelet that matches the choker. because yeonjun puts effort into accessorizing. his hair falls stylishly over his forehead. its ash pink. you’d think he was the one about to step on stage.
yeonjun looks up, flashing a quicksilver smile at his presence. “soobin-ah.” he reaches out to touch his hand greeting. “you ready?”
soobin lets out a slow breath. “ready as ever.”
yeonjun’s eyes glitter. “let’s do this.”
the bar is far more crowded than he’s expecting. he shouldn’t be surprised, it’s a concert . there’s an underlying current of excitement in the air. yeonjun hooks two fingers into his belt loop to keep him close.
yeonjun is looking at his phone again. he catches soobin’s eye and says something, but the noise makes it hard to hear. soobin can barely hear his own thoughts in his head. his eyes fall to yeonjun’s mouth to try and make out the words.
he’s wearing some gloss. his lips mouthing syllables that soobin is no longer trying to discern.
soobin forces his eyes back up and shakes his head, tapping at his ear.
yeonjun steps closer, leaning up to his ear. “let’s try and make our way to the front!”
soobin nods.
they push their way through the crowd, yeonjun tugging him along. by the time they get to the front, there’s only five minutes before the band is set to start.
soobin squints at the low lighting above them, listens to all the people in this bar. so many people, all here to see his friends on stage. it’s unreal.
soobin thinks faintly of his abandoned lyric book at home, unfinished melodies and pages and pages of compositions.
kai steps onto the stage first. he’s magnetic from the first moment, different from the kai he knows. his hair is longer than it was the last time he’d seen him, curling down around his neck.
there’s an ease with which he waves to the crowd, taking his place at the drum set. a confidence that comes with knowing you’re good. the others file in after, dressed similarly in band tees and distressed clothing. platform shoes and leather jackets.
doused in rebellion and defiance, they are larger than the entire venue.
they take their respective spots on stage. chaewon, ryujin, and beomgyu are carrying guitars. taehyun takes his place behind a mic, front and center.
chaewon introduces herself with a charismatic little laugh. “hello, everyone! my name is chaewon, and we are opening sequence!”
beside soobin, yeonjun is hollering louder than anyone else. the excitement is tangible, vibrating through him, down to the tips of his fingers.
chaewon introduces beomgyu, who shows off, playing a short, fast-paced solo. his hair is just slightly too long, grazing his shoulders. he takes the lead from there, voice smooth and unhurried. beomgyu introduces ryujin as their bassist, kai on drums, and finally, taehyun as lead vocalist.
kai starts off, playing his drums like he has something to prove, fierce. soobin has never seen him like this, stripped of his soft expressions and gentle demeanor.
beomgyu follows his lead, going into a heavy riff on his electric, gritty and bright. the first song is explosive. taehyun’s voice ripples through the crowd like a sonic wave.
it’s mesmerizing. their chemistry on stage is undeniable, you can tell they were made to perform together. soobin doesn’t take his eyes off the stage for one moment. he’s almost scared to blink.
their tracklist is filled with songs he already knows. cover songs and originals. it passes in a haze, from beomgyu’s low, sultry tone to chaewon’s, powerfully clear.
they introduce their last song. “we have a little treat for you guys.” beomgyu grins into the mic. his wrists are delicate and bony on his guitar, under the spotlight. “the last song is a new one. unreleased. we think you’ll enjoy this, can you guys give us a scream!”
soobin hollers with all his might. he wonders if beomgyu can see him, or if he’s just another unrecognizable blob of a face in the crowd.
the song starts hauntingly slow, melancholic almost.
and then, it erupts.
taehyun’s voice is front and center, filthy desperation drenching his vocal cords. he sings into the mic like it’s his last-ever performance. beomgyu’s electric and kai’s percussion kick in at the same time. the whole bar vibrates.
they glow on-stage, painted in hot white lights and haloes of glory.
it ends, and the applause is thunderous. it echoes through his lungs. he sees the moment when they take it all in, staring out into the crowd in awe, and soobin finds himself desperately praying that one of them, anyone, will see him.
they all gather at the front, arms clasped around each other, grins brilliant, euphoria holding them together.
chaewon’s voice is wavery when she speaks into the mic, and she blinks a couple times too many. “thank you all for coming to see us tonight! we’ll never forget today! thank you!” they take a bow, hands clasped tightly.
they wave fiercely towards the audience. soobin holds his breath, hoping, hoping, hoping. but they exit without seeing him once.
—
soobin and yeonjun join the others behind the venue to help load equipment into ryujin’s truck.
she’s in the front seat, reversing it into the narrow alleyway. chaewon and taehyun are standing in the trunk bed.
yeonjun sprints over to the nearest person - which happens to be beomgyu—and pulls him into a fierce hug. “oh my god. holy shit. holy shit!” he sounds breathless.
beomgyu presses a choked-up laugh into his shoulder. “yeah. i know.”
yeonjun pulls back to look him in the face. they make quite a pair, two rockstars in the shadows of the dank alleyway. “you guys were incredible, ” yeonjun says.
beomgyu just pulls him back into his arms.
chaewon leaves her guitar case in the truck bed and jumps off before the truck can come to a full stop, taehyun at her heels. ryujin parks and gets out to join them, automatically linking arms with chaewon.
“i’m going to scream really loud,” chaewon says. she’s thrumming with jittery energy.
“at least wait until we get home,” ryujin jokes. but her face is glowing, and she sounds more like she would rather join chaewon than chastise her.
they all gather in a little group around beomgyu and yeonjun, against the wall. it’s damp to the touch.
there’s a moment where they all stare at each other. and then the entire band bursts out into exhilarated giggles.
“god.” taehyun throws one arm around ryujin and the other around kai, and tilts his head back. he tilts his whole body back, using them to keep himself balanced, and stares at the sky. “i could do that for the rest of my life.” he sounds like he’s in awe.
“we have to do another show,” kai says. at that moment, taehyun lets go of ryujin, stumbling back a couple steps. kai keeps him upright with an arm around his waist. they’re both laughing like they’re intoxicated.
the thrill of the night is infectious; even yeonjun is grinning. soobin feels his own lips twitch up in response to everyone else.
“where have you been hiding that last song?” soobin asks. “that was insane.”
beomgyu gives him a smug little grin. “i still have a few tricks up my sleeve.”
“did you write it?”
“i wrote the melody. taehyunnie here took care of the rest.”
“it was a group effort,” taehyun protests, but he’s smiling.
“it was mostly taehyun.”
chaewon claps once. a faint light spills out of the back door to the venue, casting her face into a pool of ghostly lights. the clips in her hair gleam. it’s like this that soobin realizes just why she’s the leader of this band.
“alright team, we’ve got only a little bit of time till the next band has to set up. let’s wrap this up quickly so we can celebrate.”
by team, she means everyone except ryujin and beomgyu, who lean against the wall to chat up a storm and take a smoke break.
taehyun glares at the pair while carrying cables and amps out of the venue and back to the truck. soobin, who’s been appointed to help kai pack up his drum set, raises a brow at him. “you’re not going to join them?”
“i quit.”
“woah.” soobin blinks at him. taehyun has been smoking for as long as he’s known him. “that’s…i’m happy for you.”
taehyun gives him a strained smile. “yeah, i’m happy too.”
soobin glances at kai, who’s still sweat-soaked, remnants of the concert clinging on to him. he had seen him on stage before, but it's now that soobin really sees how much he’s changed. he’s no longer the shy, seventeen-year-old soobin had met all those years ago. there’s a self-assurance to him now, in the set of his shoulders, in the way he dresses, in how he presents himself.
soobin thinks about the easy way kai handles his instrument, like it's an extension of himself. he looks down at the drum kit in his hands and feels like he shouldn’t be holding something so precious.
it’s crazy how much of a difference a couple of months of distance can make.
“so, hyung. i haven’t heard from you yet. did you enjoy the concert?”
“do you even have to ask me that? it was the best concert of my life.”
kai smiles at him, familiar and lovely. soobin misses him the most. “even better than kara?”
“...one of the best concerts of my life,” soobin amends.
they make quick work of wrapping up. It surprises soobin how easy it is. the way they move around each other like a well-oiled machine. it’s been months, but the process is muscle memory to him.
soobin gives the side of ryujin’s truck a loving pat. even its rusted coat is familiar to him.
“so,” yeonjun starts. “wooyoung is having a party today…. what do you guys think?”
beomgyu immediately groans. “oh my god, hyung, you and your parties . can’t we do something chill? like karaoke?”
ryujin gives a low laugh next to him.
yeonjun looks excessively put out by beomgyu’s reaction. “wooyoung always throws fun parties! and you enjoyed yourself the last time you went!”
beomgyu takes a drag from his cigarette and purposefully blows smoke in his face. “you must’ve been drunk. i did no such thing.”
yeonjun wrinkles his nose. soobin feels his own nose tickle when the smoke blows over to him too.
“taehyun!” yeonjun calls, not taking his eyes off of beomgyu, “no more smoking for beomgyu tonight.”
“what the hell? taehyun is not my keeper.”
taehyun stomps over from where he’s been leaning over the other side of the truck. “sorry beomgyu, no more smoking for you tonight.” he snatches the cigarette out of beomgyu’s fingers and brings it up to his own mouth.
beomgyu only smirks at him. “so, how is quitting going for you, taehyun?”
taehyun takes a long pull and kicks him in the shin, surprisingly childish. “ everything going wrong in my life is your fault.”
they end up going to karaoke.
soobin doesn’t know why he ends up going with them, it’s not like he performed on stage today. but yeonjun is here too, pressed against him on the sofa and clapping gleefully with the singers. so soobin figures there’s nothing wrong with him being here.
taehyun is pouring his heart out along to some tragic, soul-baring song about heartbreak. his eyes are closed, he looks majestic under the lights, a bit haunting. even like this, with his jacket thrown to the side and his shirt a bit rumpled. he has a fist pressed into his chest.
everyone is giggling and singing along but soobin thinks there’s something too sincere about him when he sings like this.
then taehyun opens his eyes again and grins bright, and soobin wonders if he imagined it. it’s been a while. maybe he doesn’t know taehyun as well as he thinks he does.
flashing lights are painted onto the back of soobin’s eyelids. his clothes stick to his skin. yeonjun glued to his side isn’t helping matters, but the idea of being further away from him is worse than how uncomfortable he feels.
the sunglasses perched in yeonjun’s hair are slipping off. one careless head-turn from yeonjun and they fall completely, leaving his hair sticking up— delightfully, torturously disheveled.
soobin catches them before they hit the floor.
“here,” soobin says, giving it back to him.
yeonjun looks at him, wide-eyed. “woah, quick instincts.”
soobin squints back at him. it wasn’t that impressive. “you’re drunk.”
“no,” he assures. “just, tipsy.”
soobin goes to pat him comfortingly on the back, but the way they’re sitting forces him to swing his arm completely over yeonjun’s head. it results in their faces ending up a breath closer.
soobin hates that he notices.
there are little pools of colored lights that dance across his face. soobin feels like this is the first time yeonjun has looked at him the whole night. the first time he’s seen him and actually digested his existence.
he feels desperate under the attention. i miss you.
they are drifting apart. and soobin can’t seem to prevent the inevitable, no matter how tightly he clings.
one hand curls into yeonjun’s shirt, between his shoulder blades. his fingers twitch at his side, and he resists the urge to do… something. he’s not sure what.
“you okay, soobin-ah?” yeonjun asks lightly. his eyes are convincingly sober.
a pause. a breath. “i’m good, hyung. why?”
“you’re quiet tonight.”
soobin’s eyes flick away from his. the others are all involved in themselves.
“i’m fine. a bit tired. i had work today.”
yeonjun nods understandingly. “you’re not drinking,” he points out.
soobin shrugs. “not feeling it today. one of us should probably stay sober anyways.”
“probably.” yeonjun drops it, choosing to rest his head against soobin’s shoulder instead.
“i miss you,” yeonjun says. it hits soobin with a jolt, how yeonjun pries the words out of his mouth. how did you know?
he wishes he’d had the courage to say it first.
“i miss you too, hyung.” everyday, more than you know.
they’re quiet. soobin wants to say something more, but his tongue is all swollen. it feels too big to fit in his mouth. soobin bites down and wonders if time shared with yeonjun will ever feel simple again.
soon enough, beomgyu breaks their bubble to drag yeonjun to the mic. yeonjun pauses when he stands up, eyebrows raised in question and hand held out to soobin as an invitation.
it feels familiar, like deja vu. yeonjun’s promise of safety, and soobin, who can’t believe in the safety of promises anymore.
soobin smiles a little and shakes his head. yeonjun turns away and soobin continues to float like that, adrift.
two songs pass. then four. five.
he finds himself with beomgyu sitting beside him, scrolling on his phone. soobin watches him from the corner of his eye. there’s a stiffness to his shoulders that soobin doesn’t know how to address. he wonders if he’s imagining it.
ryujin plops down on the coffee table in front of them, playfully kicking at beomgyu’s shoes. she sends a smile soobin’s way. yeonjun and chaewon are behind her, loading up a duet.
“hey soobin, how have you been?”
soobin tries not to grimace when answering the question. this entire night has been a reiteration of the same conversation. how have you been? i’m good. i’m fine. tonight’s been fun. it feels superficial. soobin is tired of catching up.
ryujins leans forward. “we’ve been thinking about trying to fit an extra practice session into the week. thursday evening, maybe? you think you could be free around then to come and hang out?” she asks, tentative, hopeful.
ryujin is the only one who still asks him these things. soobin glances at beomgyu again. he’s not saying anything. he won’t even look at him.
“um. you know i want to. but work has been so busy… im not sure how often i’ll be free.”
there had been a time, before, when beomgyu would’ve plastered himself to soobin’s side and shamelessly insisted that he come to practice. soobin would’ve let himself be shaken before inevitably giving in. he always did.
“i know,” ryujin says, “still, think about it, okay?”
soobin can only nod minutely in response.
ryujin sighs and leans back on her palms, tipping her head back, propping her feet on the couch between him and beomgyu. her hair spills over her shoulder, glossy. a simple elegance. “i miss when the three of us would hang out every week. making time was so much easier back then.”
a better time. before everything fell apart. the ease that came with being young and timeless and hopeful. when beomgyu and ryujin would pile up on his single bed after classes and invade his space for the rest of the night. when soobin welcomed the intrusion.
back then the strum of their guitars and their low voices were just background noise to him, a daily occurrence. sometimes, one of them would fall asleep, exhaustion pulling at them, and the other two would stay up talking late into the night. familiarity was effortless.
the memories ache like a bruise. ryujin’s laughter and beomgyu’s easy grin. takeout and scattered notebooks.
most nights, soobin keeps it all locked away.
“do you remember when beomgyu fell asleep and you drew on his face?” she tuts. “so cliche.”
it feels weird to be asked that when it’s all so recent in his head. like it happened just yesterday. do you remember? soobin doesn’t think he could ever forget.
“of course i do. every once in a while, i pull up that picture just to feel better about myself.”
“what i remember,” beomgyu butts in, “is soobin hyung laughing so hard he snorted milk out of his nose.”
ryujin snorts. “i almost threw up laughing that day.”
“i was this close to pissing myself. genuinely.”
soobin thinks he laughed a lifetime's worth of happiness in that one night alone. the physical evidence of joy that left his cheeks aching and his stomach in knots. the milk-soaked bed sheets that he was forced to clean up while his friends watched, rejoicing in his suffering.
soobin looks at beomgyu, who’s smiling with a far-away look on his face.
“you should invite us over soobin,” ryujin says, tapping his side with her boot, “i haven’t even seen your place yet.”
soobin freezes.
“yeah, hyung,” beomgyu says, turning his way, speaking to him directly for the first time that night. “you should invite us over.” he tosses an elbow over the back of the couch, head tilted, waiting for an answer.
beomgyu has always been the personification of warmth. bright, dazzling. there’s something about him that makes everyone turn and stare, bask in his glow, like sunflowers facing the sun.
right now, he watches soobin, eyes frigid. cold enough to burn. the silence ticks in between them in agonizing, syrupy seconds.
“…yeah, i’d love to.” it’s a non-committal response, devoid of any substance.
it’s not that he doesn’t want them over. it's just uncomfortable. he hasn’t brought anyone over to his new apartment except yeonjun. and that wasn’t even intentional.
beomgyu’s stare is relentless, edged with a cruelty soobin doesn’t think he deserves. he shivers.
then, beomgyu gives a closed-lipped smile, so fake that it has soobin cringing away. he gets up and walks away from them, going to sit by taehyun.
soobin blinks after him. what?
what was that?
“are you guys fighting?”
his eyes flick to ryujin, who’s also watching beomgyu.
“i… don’t think so...?”
ryujin’s studies him in a way that makes soobin want to shrink away. “you might want to figure that out,” she says, not unkindly, but it unnerves him nonetheless. and then she sighs, getting up and walking away too.
—
later, when they step outside, it’s even colder than it had been when they entered. they’re all worn out, no longer running on the high of the performance.
soobin is spent. he feels a bit dead inside. being here tonight is taking all the energy he has.
they stand huddled together outside of the building.
soobin watches kai playfully nudge yeonjun’s shoulder with his own. only then does soobin notice that yeonjun is wearing kai’s jacket.
“still want to go to that party?” kai asks him.
yeonjun looks at him, surprised. “you’d really come with me?”
kai shrugs. “sure.”
this makes yeonjun perk up, energized all over again. he looks around the group. “anyone else?”
chaewon and ryujin share a silent look, and then chaewon shakes her head. “we’re gonna head home.”
ryujin leans back against the wall, eyes fluttering shut, spinning her keys around her fingers. “i have an early shift tomorrow.”
“taehyun? beomgyu?” yeonjun asks.
taehyun has a wasted beomgyu leaning against him. beomgyu, who spent the rest of the night not sparing soobin a shred of his attention. no matter how much soobin tried to catch his eyes. beomgyu who drank himself into a stupor.
taehyun and kai look at each other over beomgyu’s head.
“beomgyu isn’t going anywhere like this. i’ll take him home.”
kai nods.
soobin looks around the group, and it feels a bit like everyone has paired off. ryujin and chaewon. taehyun and beomgyu. yeonjun and kai. and him at the end.
yeonjun finally turns to him. “soobin?”
and really, soobin wants to say no. the thought of standing around at a party and socializing with a bunch of people he used to know makes him want to vomit.
but then yeonjun clasps his hands together and makes a pleading face at him. and soobin doesn’t know when he will see them again after this.
“… okay.”
“yes!” yeonjun throws his arms around soobin, soft around the edges. it surprises him, even though it shouldn’t because yeonjun has always been as touchy as they come.
he exhales. maybe it’ll be fun. maybe he won’t regret this.
—
soobin regrets coming to this party. immensely.
he feels like a lost duckling, sticking close to yeonjun and kai while they socialize with faces he can sort of remember but can’t put a name to.
the music is always so loud here. there’s sweat gathering under his arms. its only been a few minutes since they arrived, but he’s already feeling overwhelmed.
even kai, who’s usually in the same boat as him when it comes to these sorts of events, seems more at ease than usual. not completely, but still. present.
they haven’t even seen wooyoung yet.
soobin presses a little closer to kai. yeonjun is talking to a girl, someone soobin faintly remembers seeing around during his university days. but it’s only when yeonjun says her name, kazuha , that it clicks. this was chaewon’s friend.
yeonjun gestures in their direction. “you remember kai, right?”
“of course, chaewon is always talking about her band. you’re the drummer, right?”
this makes kai’s face light up. “yeah, that’s me.” there’s a faint undercurrent of pride in his voice.
yeonjun points to soobin then, “and this is soobin. he’s a long-time friend.”
soobin gives her a little wave. “hey.” his voice is a bit thick, and he cringes internally at how inept he sounds. it’s like he lost all the social skills he spent his whole life attaining all within the last year. now that he thinks about it, this is his first time attending a party since his university days.
soobin presses his nails into his palms and forces himself not to shift on his feet.
yeonjun starts bragging about the performance. he drags hueningkai to his side, showing him off like a shiny piece of jewerly. kai is smiling, shy. soobin is struck again by how self-assured he looks, despite his bashful aura; it's as if there’s a shining halo over his head with how much he’s glowing.
soobin thinks that there’s something wrong with him. he knows how much kai has worked for this, how he’s dreamed of performing, how many nights he’s spent toiling over lyrics and his guitars. he had celebrated with him when they first started, back when it was just kai and taehyun and beomgyu, just-turned-twenty and too young to know… anything, really. soobin had held him after a bad night of band practice, the first time soobin had ever seen him cry, utterly distraught over his fear of the band falling apart.
soobin has been with kai every step of the way, and now he can't even summon enough excitement to be happy for one of his best friends after he’s just achieved one of his lifelong dreams. how self-centered and pathetic.
somehow, more people end up joining their little huddle, people he knows and people he doesn't. soobin dutifully waves and smiles at everyone. he’s almost grateful; the more people there are, the less his input to the conversation matters.
there’s this insistent ringing in soobin’s ears. he brings a hand up to tug at his earlobe. he watches kai say something, but there’s some disconnect, because he can’t actually hear him speaking.
someone nudges his shoulder. soobin blinks at yeonjun, who’s staring back at him, eyebrows raised.
“huh?”
yeonjun’s voice is low, meant only for them. “i asked if you were good. you zoned out a bit there.”
soobin clears his throat. “yeah, im fine. just—dehydrated, i think?”
yeonjun grabs his arm, smoothly extracting them from the group. “let’s grab a drink then.” he taps kai’s elbow, asking without words if he’s coming with. kai follows, and the three of them make their way to the kitchen.
they slip past people in a little line until the reach the fridge. yeonjun opens it, grabbing a beer for himself and tossing a water bottle to soobin. kai takes a water too.
soobin downs half of it in one go. he closes his eyes and releases a slow breath.
“okay?” yeonjun asks. kai is rubbing slow circles into soobin’s back. he’s a bit embarrassed both of them can read him so easily, but its far outweighed by his relief.
soobin nods. he does feel a little better.
yeonjun leans in closer. “do you want to go?” he asks, concerned.
soobin immediately shakes his head. “hyung, we just got here.”
“yeah, but it's not worth it if you’re having a bad time.”
soobin warms up at the words, but he shakes his head again. “i promise i’ll be fine. honestly.”
yeonjun hums, and then pats soobin’s cheek affectionately. “i’ll take your word for it.”
almost an hour passes by, a blur of discolored faces and empty noise and strained smiles. soobin tries his best.
it gets easier, as time passes, to make pleasantries with old classmates and new people alike. he gets better at deflecting, stepping neatly around questions he doesn’t want to answer. rediscovering old skills, decayed after a year of disuse. it’s surprising how many people remember him.
soobin is talking to one of wooyoung’s friends when he catches sight of yeonjun and kai on the couch. yeonjun’s legs are tossed over kai’s lap. which in itself, isn’t unusual, yeonjun and kai have always been playfully flirtatious.
but this is different.
kai’s jacket is still over yeonjun’s shoulders, and yeonjun is gripping his arm. soobin feels dizzy, watching them lean into each other.
kai has a possessive arm over the back of the couch, protective. everything about the fondness and admiration he typically keeps reserved for yeonjun has been replaced with a kind of pure, unfiltered devotion.
devotion that soobin knows all too well.
“are they dating?”
soobin’s eyes snap back to who he was talking to, yeosang, who’s followed soobin’s line of sight to see his friends on the couch.
“uhm.” soobin can’t even remember their previous topic of conversation. “they aren’t.”
yeosang raises an eyebrow, seeming fascinated by watching them. “don’t know how long it’s gonna stay that way.”
there’s that buzzing noise again, filling his ears, ringing in his head. soobin looks away from his friends. “i’m gonna head to the bathroom,” he says, swiftly excusing himself.
everything is hazy.
it’s almost like he’s looking at the world through a filter. soobin stumbles away, pushing past strangers and only faintly registering that he’s supposed to be looking for a bathroom. the sounds of drunk people yelling are too harsh.
he ends up in some dim, remote corner of the apartment. soobin presses himself back against a wall, closing his eyes. he tilts his head back as a part of him sinks to the floor.
he lets the voices flow around him, tries to force his mind empty so he doesn’t have to think . not about yeonjun and kai, not about this party, not about this night, which is supposed to be a celebration of success.
the inside of soobin’s brain turns floaty for a bit.
when he refocuses on the dark ceiling, it’s to the sight of mold growing in the corner, where the wall meets the ceiling. soobin thinks it must be symbolic.
the dim lighting makes everyone look monsterish; a mish-mash of arms and torsos and heads. like the crowd has merged into a single entity.
soobin takes a step forward, maybe to actually find a bathroom this time, when someone crashes into his shoulder.
there’s a flash of dark hair, a flannel button-up, a silver chain on a dainty wrist. for half a second, soobin’s heart stops. beomgyu?
then the person lets out a sorry! and the illusion is shattered.
beomgyu's voice is deeper. not to mention that he couldn’t be here because he was at home, assumedly passed out cold.
and , soobin remembers, he cut his hair short .
soobin watches the guy who bumped into him stagger back to his friends, blinking away the image of beomgyu.
beomgyu, who is definitely upset with him right now. even when they did fight, before, it was never like this. beomgyu has never been anything but earnest and open around him.
soobin needs to reach out, figure out why beomgyu’s upset. he has no idea what he could've done when they haven't even seen each other recently. but... soobin is starting to realize that that might be part of the problem.
it plagues his mind, until yet another person bumps past him. soobin sighs, irritated. what exactly is keeping him here? he’s not enjoying himself, he knew he wouldn’t from the moment yeonjun asked him to come.
the sounds of drunk people yelling are too harsh. he ends up in one of the bedrooms, away from the crowd. there’s a fish tank crammed onto a small desk in the corner of the room, soft blue light emanating from within it. a handful of people are scattered around, illuminated only by the glow of the tank. some of them murmur to each other in soft voices; they all look a bit ominous, eerily radiant. someone is knocked out on one of the beds. no one pays soobin any attention, and it takes him a few seconds to realize they’re all high as kites.
the music is muffled here, like he’s hearing it while submerged underwater.
soobin gravitates towards the tank, not quite ready to go searching for kai and yeonjun yet. at first, he can’t see anything living inside, and wonders if it’s just for show. and then he finds it, a lone goldfish near the bottom of the tank, almost hidden among the faux greenery.
it’s moving slowly, almost lethargic. soobin taps a knuckle against the glass. it gives just a twitch of a reaction.
it looks unbearably lonely.
does it even know there are other fish in this world? more of its own kind, and not the large, clunky beings that are always staring at it through the glass.
soobin decides the fish is a girl. he names her jieun.
“jieun-ah.” soobin leans down so he's level with the fish. “why do you look so sad?”
jieun doesn’t acknowledge him.
“are you hungry?” he asks.
soobin’s hand hovers over the drawer, internally debating the merits of searching through someone’s belongings for fish food.
he opens the drawer. he’s doing it to feed jieun anyways.
he finds a little container of pellets in the very back corner of the drawer. he shells some out into the palm of his hand.
“jieun-ah,” he makes cooing, beckoning noises at her. “you need to eat to be healthy.”
she ignores him.
was it normal for fish to be so unresponsive?
he drops the pellets into the water, letting them fall as close to jieun as he can get them. she still only flutters around in place, as if the food didn’t even exist.
how depressing. soobin feels like they’re connected, a thread of despair tying them together. after all, misery loves company.
he stares at her. he faintly wishes he could be a fish too, if only to keep her company. or he’d just make it worse— two depressed fish feeding off of each other's sorrow.
—
soobin is about to text one of them to go, when he catches sight of a familiar head of dusty pink. yeonjun and kai are in the corner, half hidden by the bookshelf next to them. soobin starts making his way towards them.
then he stops in his tracks. because yeonjun is pulling kai down by the collar and kissing him.
because kai is kissing him back. they’re so intertwined with each other that they don’t notice anything around them. pressed up against the wall like they’re trying to consume each other whole.
his vision swims. soobin tears his eyes away.
he turns around and leaves.
—
the next morning, soobin blinks awake and comprehends his existence. and then he immediately wishes he could go back to sleep.
he’s aching all over. his chest feels too heavy for the early hour, and it makes it difficult to move.
it takes him a while to realize that the repeated knocking at his front door is what woke him up. he forces himself out of bed to answer it.
its not even knocking, its yeonjun slamming his fists against the door and calling his name.
“coming, im coming!” soobin calls out. he makes a feeble attempt to straighten his hair while stumbling towards the door.
he has no idea what business yeonjun has with him right now. soobin doesn’t particularly want to see him.
when he swings the door open, its both yeonjun and kai who are standing there, shoulder to shoulder. soobin blinks at them.
“hi?”
“hi,” yeonjun responds. he glances at kai.
“breakfast?” kai asks, “it’ll be my treat. i’m in a good mood today.” he grins, eyes wide like he’s hopeful.
soobin glances between them. he left the party last night with only a text goodbye and a flimsy excuse of not feeling great. he can tell they’re here to cheer him up.
it’s sweet, because they don't even know why he’s upset. hell, soobin barely understands why he’s upset.
theyre both so bright. standing at his front door like a pity gift from god. he feels dull in comparison; a rock trying to blend in with polished gems.
kai has this little half-grin on his face that’s almost contagious. yeonjun’s eyes are twinkling, the afternoon sunshine like a crown on his head. soobin wonders if the way yeonjun keeps a hand twisted in the back of kai’s hoodie is only obvious to him because he knows their secret.
they’re good to him. here they are, at his front door, seeking him out rather than spending deserved alone time with each other. he’s lucky.
soobin smiles. “sounds good to me.”