Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

I sit on my bed, taking slow, deep breaths. I don’t know if I can do it. My hand shakes, and I can hardly see my screen through the tears falling down my face. Can I send it? Send him the message? I don’t know if I can.

I’ve been weighing my options for the better part of the hour. I know I just need to do it—get it over with so I can go and leave. Maybe for a couple of years, maybe forever. But I just know I can't stay here any longer.

Despite what so many of the people who know me, I've been planning to leave for so long. Where? New York, the city of so many opportunities. Here, in a town of fewer than five hundred people, there's nothing other than small-town jobs that no one knows exist outside the town lines. I need to be known. I'm not going to make any progress; I'm just staying here. So that's why I'm leaving.

I've known I wanted to leave for years, and when the senior year finally hit, I knew I had to go. During my four years in high school, I did everything I could to get into the dance school of my dreams. When I finally got that acceptance letter, I couldn't have been more excited to leave.

It might be hundreds of miles away, but I know it's for the best. I'll perform with the best dancers in the world and will be known one day. I'll be on stage and get all the recognition I've wanted since I was a little girl. The promise I made to myself when my mother left me.

No one in the town knows I’m leaving other than my father, who hardly agrees. Most everyone I know doesn’t want me to leave; they want me to stay where I grew up. But I’m desperate to get out of here. To leave the life I’ve ever known for a new, unknown one.

The first step is to send this text to Nick and leave it.

I'll admit there's a part of me that wants to stay. This is the only life I've ever known, and I have so many memories here. This is where I grew up. This is my home.

But I know I can't stay stuck in the past. Leaving is going to be for the best; I just know it. But why can't I just send the message? I've sent hundreds of text messages to him. Why can't I send this one text?

Because it's a break-up text, the end of our relationship forever, only for me to leave, doubting I'll ever return.

Nick and I have known each other forever. We attended school together, as there's only one elementary, middle, and high school in town. We've been close since we were little. He's always the joke star, making any situation hilarious, even difficult ones. While I'm stern and stoic, we balance each other out.

We started dating during our sophomore year and have been together ever since. I love Nick; I know I do. Everyone in the town thinks we're meant for each other. But high school relationships aren't meant to work out. We're not going to stay together long-term. We're going to move on and do our own things. That's precisely why I have to send him the text. I don't want to. I desperately don't want to break things off.

But I have to. I made the decision. I can't turn back. Nick has to know. I can't just leave without ending it. That would cause too much hurt in the long run. But I still love him, but I can't keep this going when I'm gone. I'm not going to have a long-distance relationship when I'm just trying to forget my past. It's just time for me to move on.

I gaze down at the text I've written. It's short, but I didn't know what to say. I know I should do it face-to-face, but I just can't. It would hurt too much.

I read what I have typed out one more time.

"I'm sorry to do this in a text, but we have to break up. -Ape"

I close my eyes, taking a slow, deep breath before hitting the send button.

There. It's done. I sent it. Opening my eyes, I see the message pull up. Sent. There's no turning back now.

I immediately shut my phone off, feeling the tears start to flow. Right now, I might regret it, but when I'm there, I won't. It's only going to hurt now. I knew it would hurt; I just didn't think it would hurt this much.

I don't want to move. I just want to cry and try and forget what I did. To forget that I just broke up with my long-term boyfriend over text. Part of me wants to delete it or call him, crying that I didn't mean it.

But I do. I meant every word. I don't want to break up with Nick, but I also know I can't stay with him. I don't want to be held back by him when I'm gone. I debated for a minute about whether I could bring him along, but I couldn't do that. He would distract me from my goals, and I knew I couldn't achieve them. When I'm in New York, I need to focus on my dreams. I don't need to worry about relationships right now.

I grab my phone once again, scrolling away from Nick and my message; I gaze at the time. I need to go. I don't have much time.

I slowly sit up, gazing around in the darkness of my childhood bedroom. The light green paint on the wall, the flowers donning my bedspread. Pictures, trophies, ribbons, and other memorabilia line my wall, reminding me why I'm doing this. Getting up, I see a familiar picture—my first recital after my mom left.

I gaze into my mirror, seeing my tear-stained face, my face puffy, and the little makeup I have on running down my face. I feel disgusting.

Get it together, April. You have to go.

Grabbing my bag, I leave the quaint bedroom—it might be the last time I see it. I don't have much I'm bringing with me, just the necessities. The apartment I found in New York near the campus is small, and there isn't much room for me to bring along my other items. I only have my small bag and the clothes on my back.

Tracking down the stairs, I tread carefully, not wanting to wake my father. He knew I was leaving, but I decided to leave at night. It would be easier, and fewer people would try and stop me from leaving. So, here I am alone. Sitting on the first floor of the house I grew up in. I advert my eyes to everything around me.

I just need to go. I need to stay focused. I've already called a ride-share company to pick me up and drive me to New York. I know it's going to be expensive, but I can't exactly bring my car with me all that way. It's going to take a long time, but I'm willing to take the drive to make my dreams come true.

Walking to the door, I pause, glancing back to take in the house one more time. This is it. I'm finally leaving. I don't know when I'll be back, but part of me will miss this place.

But the part of me that's desperate for adventure and wants to get out of this town is begging me to go. So, I listen.

Opening the front door, I step out onto the porch. It's getting colder as the days rapidly get shorter. Soon enough, it will be fall and then winter. At the start of the school year, as children go back to school, the freezing weather of the north will cover the town.

I adjust my jacket a little. I place my bag down and sit on the steps. I pull out my phone to check when the car should arrive. I listen to the bugs make their sounds, so familiar and comforting, as I enter a world that's so unknown.

After waiting a few minutes, I see the car pull up in the driveway. I stand up, grab my bag, and slowly step down the steps. I can feel my body almost shake; I can't even bring myself to gaze back at the house. I know it would be too hard.

Getting into the back of the car, I place my bag beside me, clutching it close; I close the door to the car. After a short chat with the driver, they begin making their way out of the town. As we sit silently, I stare out the window; I can't help but feel my nerves rise. In the eighteen years I've been alive, I've never left Wisconsin, and now, I'm heading states away. It's unsettling, but I have to do it. It's time for me to leave for good.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-

As the car slows down in front of a long street of apartment buildings, I stare up at them in awe. This place is so much bigger than anything back home. I knew the buildings were huge, but this place is nothing like I could imagine.

It's mid-afternoon now. We've been driving for a few days to get here. I took multiple ride shares to get me the complete way. The sun is bright in the sky, and it feels warmer than I would expect during this time of year, but I'm in a completely different place now, so I guess it makes sense.

"And we have arrived," the driver says as they come to a complete stop. I sigh as I gather my belongings and climb out of the car.

They're right. I have arrived—at my new home.

I'm not exactly in Wisconsin anymore.

Slowly walking up the apartment steps, I notice the sound of the wood squeaking beneath my feet—much like the old wooden steps on my old porch.

The building feels old, creepy, and unsettling, but this is my new reality for who knows how long. I suppose almost every building in this city is built similarly.

I slowly step through the hallway, not knowing where my apartment would be located. I'm starting to have second thoughts about coming here in the first place. Maybe I should have just gotten a dorm after all. At least then, I might not have to worry about the building collapsing on itself.

"My, my, my. What do we have here? I haven't seen you around here before?" I hear an unfamiliar voice state in a joking tone.

I quickly turn around to see a man in the doorway, wearing a very... Interesting outfit. It's not something that I would ever see any of the guys wear back home. Is that the style of the city? Bright colors and nothing that seems to match?

Maybe I have something else to worry about that I didn't even think about in the first place.

"Umm, hi," I whisper, stepping further back. I don't know if I can trust this guy. I don't know much about people from around here.

"I'm taking it you're new," the man continues, not making any motions to move. "It's not often we get new neighbors. What's your name, baby girl?" the man asks, making me slowly bite down on my tongue. Well, his tone doesn't seem hostile. He seems more chill than anything.

"Umm, April. What about you?" I respond, making the man chuckle as he stands up from the doorway.

"Deco. Artist and designer extraordinaire, to be exact. Look, I'm going to be the neighbor closest to the door. I'm the one who likes to keep a little eye on the ones who enter this humble little place," the man explains. I guess it's apparent that I'm going to be living here. I'm sure this place gets a lot of people like me.

"Oh, okay. Well, I'm going to go find my place. See you around," I turn around and keep walking. I pull up the apartment number that's supposed to be mine on my phone.

Finding the same number on the wall beside one of the doors, I sigh to myself. The door is a muted, disgusting green color, but it’s the doorway to my new home. Pulling out the key that was sent to me, I slowly open the door and step inside the small, cramped apartment. It’s definitely not much room, but it’ll do.

At least I could get a small kitchenette, even if it’s an outdated pink. It’s a small studio apartment, so the bedroom is also the living room, and the bathroom is practically the only other room in the whole place. I walk to the center of the room, gazing at everything. It’s empty, but that’s because I haven’t brought any furniture myself. And I haven’t even thought about how I’m going to get that furniture. Great.

I scrunch my nose up in disgust. This place even smells disgusting. I don’t know how I’m going to tolerate that. Maybe I should have sent up some furniture and spray when I came here.

I drop my bag, completely abandoning it as I walk into the tiny living/bedroom. Sinking to the floor against the wall, it finally starts settling in.

I’m miles away from home in a completely unknown environment with no support. I was so focused on leaving that I didn’t even consider how I would feel once I got here. I didn’t expect that I would miss my old life this much. But right now, I’m scared. I’m only eighteen. I’m not ready to take care of everything completely by myself. But I have to. I don’t have anyone else here. I’m just going to have to suck it up and keep going.

Slowly reaching up, I feel tears. I quietly groan. I shouldn’t be crying right now. I have work I need to get done to make this place even remotely livable. But I can hardly move. I’m just clutching my knees to my chest, feeling almost paralyzed. How am I going to get anything done if I can’t even bring myself to get up?

I bury my face into my knees. Come on, April. You can’t just sit here doing nothing. You have to get up. You can’t just stay on the floor.

But despite how much I desperately want to get up, I can’t. I stay on the ground for what feels like at least a couple of hours.

But finally, my body releases, and I feel like I can move once again. I open my eyes, feeling more energized, yet my head is still a bit fuzzy. I finally get up and gaze around the room. I need to find some furniture since I don’t really want to sleep on the floor. But I have no clue how I’m going to find any furniture. I don’t even know my way around the small part of the city. I mean, I don’t even know how to get to campus.

I'm starting to realize I really didn’t think this through.

I walk over to the window so I can gaze out. And, of course, I don’t even have an interesting view—just a brick wall. With everything else, I expect nothing more.

Hardly any light comes into the apartment. It’s so dark in here that I can hardly see anything, and the lights don’t even work well. Hopefully, I can find some lamps to put in here to brighten this place up so maybe I can rehearse in some light.

As if there's any room to practice at all.

I need to get out of here. Being cooped up isn’t going to do me any good. Maybe I can at least find my way to campus because I’m probably going to be there a lot. I’m sure I won’t spend more time here than I absolutely have to.

I grab my belongings and step out of my apartment, not feeling comfortable leaving anything here until I get to know the “neighbors” better. Quickly making my way through the hallway, I put the address to campus on my phone.

As I spot the doorway to leaving the building, I notice the man from earlier standing there. He gives me a glance as I start to walk past him. But I pause, figuring that I could possibly ask about the quickest way to campus. I obviously don’t know my way around, but maybe he knows a quicker way.

“Do you happen to know the quickest way to campus? The closest college campus, I think?” I suddenly ask, making the man gaze up, softly chuckling for a second.

“Ah, so you’re one of those people. I figured as much. I don’t know much about that place, but I’ll say if you just use your phone, you’ll be fine. It’s pretty far from here; just be aware of that,” the man explains, making me nod in understanding. I already knew that—all the places near campus were much more expensive than I could afford. This was the closest place to campus on the budget I had.

“M’kay,” I respond, starting to walk out of the building.

“Let me know how it goes,” I hear the man call out. I stop on the steps, turning to gaze at him for a second.

“I will do that,” I respond again before returning down the steps onto the city sidewalk. A few people are out, walking around, so I try to follow the crowd, putting in my earbuds as I put the address to campus on my phone. I hope it works. I’m in a huge city, alone, not having any clue where to go. I just have to hope I can make do with what little I have.

But I am excited about the opportunity I have. I mean, I'm finally in a place where I can make my dreams of being on stage come true. I just have to keep working at it. But I'm determined to work hard. I always have, I always will. But the first step is to see where I'm going to be studying for the next while. But I have high hopes.

I mean, who wouldn't want me on their team?

Chapter Text

 I finally arrive on campus, trying to keep up my speed and weave through people trying to get to class. I’m so late. I completely underestimated the time it would take to get here. Why were there so many people on the sidewalk this morning? If it’s going to be this busy every morning, I’m going to have to start leaving so much earlier.

Luckily, I’m not incredibly late, but I hoped to get here quicker than expected. I still have some time, but I still need to hurry. I hardly focus on anything else; I'm just trying to get to my building and class.

But then I feel my body get slammed into someone else, catching me off guard as I stumble back. I groan as I adjust my bag, not having the time to get distracted.

I noticed that while I was able to stay completely on my feet, the girl I bumped into is sitting on the ground, disoriented, as she gazes up at me. I stare at her for a second, scowling as she had gotten in my way while I was trying to get to class. Did she not see me when I was walking towards her? She should have been more careful.

"I'm sorry!" the short girl exclaims, pushing back the blonde tendrils of her hair out of her face. I shake my head, dismissing her. I don't even glance at her before running again, entering the building, and into the dance room.

Not noticing the other people in the room, I go straight over to the wall, dropping my bag and adjusting my black outfit as it has gotten messed up while running. It's a black tank top with thin leggings. I have to take off a muted green sweater that I put on to try to keep myself warm, but I know I can't wear it in class. The teacher specifically said that we needed to wear black clothing only, and since I predicted the room would stay warm, I wore a tank top.

I glance at my phone, noting that I'm right on time. All the panic about getting here on time must have paid off, but I know I can't dally in the future. If I'm going to be the best, I can't get here late.

Still standing off to the side by myself, I gaze over at the other students, taking note of my fellow classmates. I'm sure most of them are on my level, but I already know this class will come down to the people who work the hardest and are most dedicated to the art.

I already know I have one of the best dancing work ethics I have ever seen. Not only is dance my passion, but it is also a lifeline when everything else in my life is completely out of control. If I can focus on dance, everything else becomes much simpler and smoother, as I can handle it more.

I can't help but notice a small collection of students over by the mirrors. Even though I don't know them, they clearly know each other. I'm a little surprised that it's the first day and people already seem to know each other because people across the country, even sometimes the world, come here to learn to be a professional dancer.

So, how do some of the kids already know each other? Maybe they all come from the same area, but I doubt that would happen. Maybe they all met during orientation, which, of course, I had to miss because I had to get my new "apartment" set up, which I have come to realize isn't much of a home at all, much more of a place I'm stuck at until I can find something bigger.

I mean, seriously, there isn't any room to even practice. I'm going to have to use the facilities here so much, even to get enough room to practice. But it won't be so bad; it would give me an excuse to leave the apartment building that I already despise staying in.

Placing my hands on my hips, I stand up tall. While these people don't know me yet, I'm determined to prove myself to all of them. I know I'm outlandishly talented, and I have proven that so many times before. I just have to do it again, which shouldn't be too hard.

But I'm not the most thrilled about talking to my classmates. I knew that the best way to improve would be to take a class, but I've never been the biggest fan of conversing with my fellow classmates. I know I will eventually have to because we will be dancing as a group, but I don't intend to get to know them that well.

But I can't help but gaze at the group already congregating by the opposite wall. To be fair, it isn't a large group, just three, but still. Those three are quick at making friends or already know each other. Either way, I know I can't exactly relate.

But I don't have to be the best at making friends. Yeah, I know I have to get a head start on networking and connecting with the best of the best, but I can at least pretend that I care. I'm not one to get all buddy-buddy for the sake of being friendly.

Another student barges into the room, and the sound of her shoes squeaking against the dance floor makes me cringe. I can't stand the sound. I already know that person's going to be a problem. Do they not know you have to be careful on dance floors, or you're going to scuff them up? I mean, that should be Dancing 101, not in a high-level best of the best dance class.

I take notice of the blonde-haired girl. That's the girl I ran into earlier! How is she a dancer? She can hardly stay up on two feet! There is no way she's an actual dancer.

What surprises me even more is that the girl goes straight over to another group of dancers. I just stare in surprise, not believing that the girl would be in the class, let alone talking to the "popular" group already. Who is that girl, and what's her deal? That group of students has to know each other already.

Pulling my gaze away from the group, I take a moment to collect myself. I shouldn't let that group get to me. I mean, I don't even know them yet. I doubt they will be that kind to me, even after I slammed into the short girl and ran off without a second glance. Of course, it's only the first day, and I've already managed to screw something up.

I then notice a person come from the back room—the teacher, most definitely. This is it. It's time to prove myself to the class and ensure I come up on top, but I can't let them know. I have to at least act like I care about my fellow "classmates," but I can do it. I've done it for years. How hard can it be?

I watch as the teacher claps their hands together. "Okay, class. Let's get started," the teacher begins, making me smirk knowingly, hardening my gaze as I start focusing. Okay, I can do this.

This is my time to shine.

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As the first class finally ends, most of the students are panting and exhausted, obviously not expecting the rigor that even the first day will bring. But while some of the kids almost seem like they are at the point of nearly collapsing, I'm completely fine. My body beams with adrenaline and energy, a rush I almost always get from dancing.

It took many years for me to get to this point and stay energized, even after a couple of hours of exhilarating dancing. It took years of constant work, not only dancing in school, doing it every chance I got, but also doing it after school with the dance studio that I went to growing up, the one my Mother helped create. On top of practicing at home and even trying to follow along to the most complicated dances I can find online, it really built my body up; along with keeping a strict diet, everything comes together eventually into who I am now.

But I'm sure the other students will get there eventually. They just have to keep working at it, but I'm pleased to know that I'm already ahead of the group. It's only uphill from here.

But I can tell the class isn't exactly over yet. With about fifteen minutes left, I wonder if we're going to do another routine. We've already learned some new routines from scratch, so I doubt the teacher would start something new with the amount of time we have left.

"Okay, everyone, come and gather around in a circle," the teacher instructs, making me scowl in confusion. Sit around in a circle? Like we're in elementary school? Okay, that seems a little unnecessary, but I guess I'll do it.

I find my seat beside two kids whose names I don't even know. Well, I don't know anyone's name, but still. Of course, the little group from earlier has all congregated together; they'd stuck together all class, and I doubt that's going to change until the teacher makes them.

"So, to end today's class, I want everyone to go around and say their name and where they're from, since I know so many of us are from different parts of the country, and part of dancing in a group is getting to know your fellow dancers.” So, the teacher starts talking about herself, saying she grew up in the city.

I hardly listen as the students go around telling their names. But when the little group starts, I can't help but listen in, my curiosity piquing. There seem to be two guys and two girls in the group, one of the girls being the one from earlier.

"The name's Isaiah. My hometown is good old Durham, North Carolina," the first guy with bright, colorful hair introduces.

"I'm Jasmine. I'm from Durham, North Carolina, as well," the girl beside him says.

"Jake. Also from Durham, North Carolina," the second guy says before glancing over at the exact girl that I ran into earlier. She's been reticent, only talking to the other people in her little group. She clutches a leg close to her, hardly gazing up.

"Umm, I'm Quinn, and I'm also from Durham, North Carolina," the girl says just above a whisper. So, the group is all from the same place. I don't know much about that state or place, but I have a feeling that since they're all hanging out and from the same area, they all know each other.

A few students go after the little group, and it gets to my turn. I quietly sigh as I force myself to sit up taller, trying to come off as confident as I can.

"I'm April. And I'm from New Hope, Wisconsin," I say, my voice trailing off a little at the end. Obviously, Wisconsin isn't always the most exciting place, but it's my home. It's where I grew up.

The circle finishes, and the teacher gives some closing comments before finally releasing us. I sigh in relief as I stand up, rushing to the locker room to gather my things. While I would be fine to keep rehearsing, I'm ready to catch a break from this crowd. As much as I love crowds, there’s only so much I can often handle.

But still, I might head over to one of the public studios on campus before my next class. I'm wanting to go over what I learned today to ensure I got the dance down before next class. I'm feeling sort of off, and I hope to dance all those worries away. Just like I always do.

I overhear a conversation nearby as I gather my belongings from the locker. Gazing over, I notice that it’s the two girls from the group. The shorter blonde one keeps her gaze on me as she talks. I can’t quite make out what they’re saying, but as the other girl catches my own gaze, I can’t help but wonder if they’re talking about me.

But what’s the big deal if they are talking? I don’t care. I don’t even know them that well. I quietly scoff, shaking my head as I put my backpack back on. I then start making my way to the exit, where I have to pass the two girls.

I try to keep a brisk pace, hoping to get past the girls without much notice, but of course, one of the girls must reach out to stop me. I take a few more steps, trying to reach the door.

“Hey, wait!” the shorter girl calls back. I bit back a groan but come to a halt. What does she need? I don’t have time to chit-chat.

“What?” I ask, not really wanting to stop, but I also don’t want to be completely rude.

“I just want to say I’m sorry about what happened earlier. I didn’t mean to run into you, really,” the girl admits. I let out the breath I was holding. Honestly, I don't care that she ran into me now that I know I wasn't late for class. I don't want to make a big deal about it, so I have no hard feelings, but I just don't care.

"It's whatever. I need to go," I simply respond before walking off, completely abandoning the two girls. I aggressively push the door open, briskly walking onto the outdoor sidewalk. Making my way straight to the fitness center, I ensure I don't accidentally run into anyone else, unlike I did earlier.

Walking into the rec center, I start going through my bag, pulling out my earbuds to listen to my own music, not the horrifying workout music blasting through the speakers. Racing up the stairs, I make my way to one of the empty dance studios on the second floor. They're off to the side, away from the heavy workout equipment. The perfect place for me to get some space.

I sigh in relief as I walk into the studio. The background noise instantly disappears, leaving only the music playing in my ears. It helps relax me. I was so uptight, just trying to get out of class. Staying here in silence is much more reassuring than the blaring sounds of the rest of the campus. Here, it's quiet, allowing me to focus.

Placing my bag down on a chair off to the side, I pull out my phone to change it to something slightly more upbeat so I can dance. Taking out my earbuds, I connect my phone to a Bluetooth speaker I always bring with me.

But as I stare at my phone, I can't help my thoughts as they drift back to Nick. He hasn't messaged me back. I'm not surprised, but part of me is hurt. I don't know what I was expecting. Nick isn't the guy to beg for a girl, and it's not like I would have listened anyway. But the fact that he didn't reach out and didn't respond makes my stomach turn and hurt.

I hate to admit that I've read some of our messages. Nick left me on read, and of course, I haven't tried to reach out again. But I still read our messages. He knew I was thinking about leaving, and he tried to talk me out of it for a while, but I wasn't about to listen.

Nick doesn't understand that leaving is the best thing for me. He just didn't want to see me leave. But I'm happy here—at least I will be. Yeah, I don't know anyone here yet, but I'll find friends eventually. I'm just not as lucky as the little group of people in the dance class. But I'll get there.

I feel a tear fall from my eye; I quickly reach up to wipe it away, not wanting to mess up my makeup. I need to distract myself. I absolutely don't need to dwell on the past. Clicking on the song, I close my eyes, hearing the beat enter my ears. It's familiar and comforting, reminding me of home despite how much I'm trying to forget it. But the song is still part of me.

I step into the center of the room. I start slowly but focus on the sensation throughout my body. Feeling the beat of the music is incredibly important to me. That's how I dance, feeling the beat to the song and following along with intricate routines.

Dancing is the only time I can truly feel at peace. I love it and put all of my focus into it. Dancing takes up my whole body, not just my mind, like at school or simply running, which at this point is completely second nature. Of course, I still run and work out, but it's not as beautiful and entirely seamless as dancing. Dancing takes both mind and body, two different things I need to focus on.

I run through a routine that's so familiar to me. I learned one on my own, but I have practiced so many times. It's just something I need right now. There's so much unknown with my life right now, even when it comes to dancing, but this dance that I've done so many times is a root, grounding everything else around me. I know I'll practice the dance I learned today soon, but having the muscle memory of the routine I hold so incredibly close to my heart is enough for now.

While I dance, I can nearly block everything else around me, not entirely since I'm still technically in public. Despite being in my own room away from the rest of the people, it doesn't stop people from coming in here.

But when the door to my room opens, it takes me a moment to realize that I have an audience.

"Umm, hi?" I suddenly hear, making my body rigid, my dancing stopping entirely.

After taking a long second to compose myself, I take a slow, deep breath and tried to keep from yelling at complete strangers. I don't need to get on anyone's bad side or get in trouble. Not this early on.

Once I'm as composed as possible, I open my eyes and gaze into the mirror, seeing the same two girls from earlier. Were they following me, or just had the same idea?

It doesn't matter because they're here now and saw me. Some people I hardly know saw me in my private rehearsal space. I feel my embarrassment grow. I don't even try to respond as I go straight to my bag, just wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible.

"I'm sorry. We didn't know you were in here. But we can go somewhere else," the taller girl calls out, and I can't even bring myself to respond. Shoving my belongings into my bag, I throw the bag over my shoulder. Rushing to the door, I try to get past them, not even being able to meet their eyes.

"You don't have to leave," the shorter girl exclaims, making me roll my eyes. Why would I stay here after they just saw me? How did they not know I was in here? There are literally windows in the room. They must be here to cause something.

"Just move," I sneer, glaring at the shorter girl to move out of the way. The girl stares up at me in fear, quickly stepping away. I then take off, running back down the hallways of the fitness center. How stupid am I to think I can get privacy in this place?

This isn't like back home when hardly anyone was that into the same things I'm into. Here, there are so many people like me. I'm going to have to be so much more careful in the future because there is no way I'm getting caught like that again. It makes me sick, but I can adapt. I'm a dancer, after all, and that's pretty much all I do. I just have to make sure I don't embarrass myself or do something stupid in the future.

But that shouldn’t be too hard. I can do this. Right?

Chapter Text

I quietly groan to myself. What was that? Our group is never going to make any progress, and Blondie can hardly stay up. I’m seriously starting to wonder how she even got into this program. I know I need to say something, but every time I call her out, she reasons with a fierce retort that’s only backed up by her little posse.

I haven’t completely kicked her out because the teacher finalized groups during class today. Besides, Blondie’s little group would get mad if I tried. The only reason I’m tolerating her is because I have to; besides, sometimes dancers have to put up with people they don’t like. I just wish these people had an actual ounce of talent.

I mean, the girl’s trying, but just trying isn’t going to cut it here. She needs actual talent, which she clearly doesn’t have. I have no clue how we’re going to make it through the performance because right now, I don’t have high hopes.

After the teacher finalized the groups and observed our first performance, she instructed us to prepare for the competition. We’re planning to build on the dance we've already started, since we don’t want to start completely from scratch. However, we need to make some minor adjustments based on the teacher's instructions. Of course, most of the feedback focused on ideas the other team members came up with, but I’ve chosen not to bring that up.

We’ve just gotten out of class and decided to meet again at the campus fitness center. I’m spending more and more time there, and I like it. It feels a lot more put-together and professional than anything back home.

We’re up in the first dance studio working on the dance. We’ve just started, and I’m already frustrated with the group. I just wish that girl knew what she was doing! We’re not going to get anywhere if she can’t even stay up. How did she even get into the program in the first place?

I bite my tongue to prevent myself from speaking up. I know if I say something, it will just further divide us if that is even possible. But at the same time, I can’t stand here and let Blondie get away with dancing like that. It just looks pathetic.

The other guys finish catching their breath as I walk over to stop the music with my phone. “Okay, I think that could use some work. Do we need to take it step by step again?” I offer, figuring that would be better than just scolding and making it evident that the girl completely screwed up.

The Blonde girl sighs as she gazes up at the dark-haired guy, with who she is undoubtedly the closest. I personally wouldn’t be surprised if they were dating. I’ll be honest; I have no clue if they are since I simply don’t care, but maybe it piques my interest a little bit.

“We can if you want. I think it might help,” the dark-haired guy tells Blondie as he sits down for a second to take a sip of water. After Blondie herself, he’s the second one to get tired the quickest, making me doubt that either of them will stick around for long.

Blondie’s friend, who I have dubbed the “Cheerleader” after accidentally listening to the two girls’ conversation, can usually hold her own during rehearsals, including the Pink-haired guy, who clearly has the most talent out of the little group. I have a feeling that both of them will progress fairly well in the program as long as they can keep up.

After contemplating it for a second, Blondie sighs in defeat as she reluctantly turns her gaze to me. “Fine. We can go over it again; just please be nice. I’m trying to follow along,” she tells me, making me sigh, crossing my arms. I’ll try to go as slow as I can, but she’s going to have to learn to keep up if she’s going to get anywhere.

But I need our performance to be perfect, so I suppose I’ll try to take things slow so she doesn’t have an excuse when she doesn’t understand next time. “Okay, fine. Let’s go over it again. Get back in first position, and we’ll take it step by step,” I instruct, motioning to where she usually stands off to the side, where we agreed to place her so she’s not in the center of focus.

Blondie nods as she steps back into position. Right before I can start showing the girl her dance, the Pink-haired guy comes over, trying to help when I know I can handle this on my own. I’ve had to prepare numerous people for performances in high school. I can teach a girl how to get a dance down even if she has no talent to begin with.

“Need any help?” the pink-haired guy offers, making me give him a tight, fake smile.

“Nope. I got it handled here. I know what I’m doing,” I tightly tell the guy, wanting to handle the teaching on my own. I don’t need help to get this girl to get the dances down.

“I’m just trying to help. I know the dance as well. You don’t have to do it alone,” the pink-haired guy states, motioning to the blonde-haired girl. “Besides, I know her better than you do.”

I shake my head and hold my hand up to gently push him away. “Just let me handle this,” I snap before turning back to the girl. “Ready?” I place my hands on my hips.

“You know Isaiah can help as well,” the blonde girl bites back. I can already tell this is about to become a huge thing when it doesn’t have to be.

“But it’ll be easier if I just do it. I know what to do as well. Now enough, we need to get started,” I snap, making both of them groan at my stubbornness. I don’t care. It’s just going to make everything more complicated if multiple of us are trying to help at once.

“But you hardly know her, and the whole time you’ve been here, you’ve just been so controlling!” Isaiah exclaims in frustration, making me scoff. There’s a pretty apparent reason why I’m this way. We do have a huge performance coming up, after all!

“But does that matter? Most of the class are complete strangers, but that doesn’t mean we can’t work together!” I argue that it shouldn’t matter that I’m the only one who is the odd one out, but we should all be able to dance with each other either way.

“Yeah, but don’t you think it would be helpful if someone who knew her helped out,” the boy continues to argue, making me clench my fists, nearly at a breaking point.

“Just let me handle this. I know what I’m doing, so back up!” I gently push him away, hoping that he’ll finally listen. I’m so close to just giving up. If they’re going to keep arguing with me, I don’t want to deal with it. If they’re not going to listen, they can figure it out themselves. I’m just fine dancing on my own.

“April, let’s just move on. I’m ready; let’s go over the dance!” Blondie exclaims, her hands by her side in position. I quietly sigh. Fine. Let’s do this.

“Okay, let’s do this,” I say, throwing my hands up. I’m not going to argue with the group. If the guy wants to help, I suppose he can.

“Okay, let’s take it one step at a time. Are you ready?” the pink-haired boy asks, making Blondie nod. The pink-haired boy and I start going over the dance. Slowly and step by step, the girl follows along.

But as we go through the steps, I notice the pink-haired boy messing up just a little. His poses aren’t as sharp as they should be, and he’s stumbling a little. It’s enough to make it noticeable. If he’s going to help, he at least needs to get the dance right.

“You’re falling behind, dude. If you’re going to help, at least know her part! I thought we already went over this!” I exclaim, calling him out because I want to make sure Blondie gets the dance down, perfect, not whatever he’s doing.

“What? The dance’s a little difficult. I’ll get there,” he states, simply shrugging his shoulders. I shake my head, starting to feel more frustrated.

“Yeah, but if you’re going to help, you at least need to know the dance!” I exclaim, frustrated that he’s going to show the girl wrong. I know from experience that it’s hard to unlearn dances. The dancer needs to get it right first, so we’re not worried about relearning dances.

“April, it’s literally not that big of a deal! Just let him help!” Blondie cries out, making me let out a small scream. I give up! If they’re just going to keep arguing with me, I might as well give up. It’s clearly what they want. They don’t need my help. They already have each other for support. I’m just getting in the way.

“Fine! If that means that much to you, figure it out yourself!” I storm away from the group. If they’re just going to argue with me, I might as well let them handle the dance themselves. It’s their loss!

“April, come on! We want you to help, but you have to let us help as well,” Blondie calls out, making me shake my head as I lean against the wall.

“No, if it means that much to you for him to help, just let him do it. Why does it matter that I help if I hardly know you, and I’m just going to yell at you?” I bring up, not understanding why she's suddenly wanting me to stay when I'm making things worse.

“Why are you acting so stubborn? He literally just wants to help,” Blondie argues, making me scoff as I thought it was pretty obvious why I was acting this way.

“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe it’s because we have a huge performance coming up that we have to perform in order to be able to move on in the program. This performance means everything to me. And for your information, Blondie, I want the performance to show us at our best. If you didn’t notice, our teacher gave us notes on the parts of the performance you guys choreographed. So, maybe I do know what I’m doing. I know what’s best for the group!” I rant, my sass coming out in full force as I try to get the group to understand the stakes.

“First off, my name’s Quinn, not ‘Blondie,’ get it right if we’re going to be in a group together! And not everything has to surround you. I know the performance is important to you, but it’s also important to us!” the girl exclaims, making me stare at her in surprise, not expecting that she would retort so strongly. I didn’t know she had that sort of fight in her.

“Exactly, and we’ll figure out the dance. But we’re not going to get anywhere if you keep arguing with us. If the performance means so much to you, at least try to get along with us,” the pink-haired guy responds as well.

I scowl, knowing they're right, but I don’t want to admit it with every fiber of my being. I wish they would listen to me because I know what’s best for the group! I’ve done dance for years; I know how it works. But I’m done fighting. I just need space.

I gaze out the window into the main lobby. I can’t stay in here. If I do, I’ll just yell, and I don’t want to upset the group more. I need to take a moment for myself and regroup before dealing with this again.

“I’m taking a moment to step out. Just practice the dance again. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” I step out of the dance studio and into the hallway. I take a shaky breath, silently berating myself for yelling. The group has a point. If we’re going to dance together, we have to work together.

I start pacing back and forth, trying to gather my thoughts. I hate it when this happens, especially when my thoughts are so scattered that I can hardly think straight. I guess I’ve been going constantly since this morning, so I haven’t had time to stop and think.

Maybe it wasn’t the best to completely flip out at the group. But I’m just terrified about the upcoming performance. There's no option to lose. But we have to work to make sure we don’t.

But we also have to work together, something I’m not the best at already. I’m so used to counting on myself and myself alone that it’s difficult to rely on others because I can’t count on anyone else but myself. I can’t control anyone else like I can myself.

But it hasn’t stopped me from trying. Last night, I practiced the dance over and over, ensuring I got it down before class today. Today, I clearly have the dance down, but the other guy doesn’t. I just don’t think he should be helping out if he hardly knows the dance himself.

But it’s clear that none of the group seems to care. It’s like they just don’t care about the performance that much. If they did, they would just let me lead them because I know what I’m doing, and they don’t.

But now I know I can’t speak up because they’ll retaliate. I’m not used to dealing with people who speak up against me. I’m getting more worried about this performance, but I can’t break down or give up. I need to get it together.

I'm going to have to get myself together and tolerate working with them because I can't crash and burn, even now, at the very beginning. What I do now will affect everything in the future. I might as well start strong if I want to continue in the program.

After pacing for a few minutes, I head downstairs to the first floor to grab another water bottle from the vending machine, just to give me something to do. Going back upstairs, I make it back to the dance studio. Taking a deep breath to stabilize my thoughts once and for all, I walk into the dance studio. The eyes of the four other people land on me.

Embarrassment fills me, but I push the feeling down, getting back into the right mind state. "I'm back. Ready to get back to work?" I inquire as I walk back over to the group, trying to ignore my embarrassment.

"Why did you leave?" Blondie speaks up, making me shrug as I wish they wouldn't bring it up, but I know I'm going to have to face it either way.

"Like I said, I just needed a moment. Now, are we going to get back to work or not? We can work together, but I don't want to waste any more time, got it?" I remind the group, wanting to move on and get straight back to work.

Blondie sighs in defeat before gazing at her friends. "Okay, as long as you're done fighting us, we can get back to work," Blondie states, making me smirk. That's more like it. Let's get this show on the road.

-+-+-+-+-+-

Later in the afternoon, we finally decided to call it quits. The rest of the practice remains pretty tense. I was on the verge of speaking out against others because of one thing or another, but I managed to hold back most of the time.

It's not like I'm deliberately trying to screw with them, but I just know I can't play it soft when it comes to the dance. I just wish they saw that as well.

I don't know how we're going to make it through the entire performance when we can't get along because the rest of the group is just so far behind me. But maybe I can catch them up, only if they're willing to put in the effort.

I watch as the rest of the group gather their belongings to leave. Just because the rest of the group is leaving doesn't mean I'm ready to leave yet. As I don't have any more classes for the day, I hope to unwind in the studio alone before taking the long trek back to the small and cramped apartment I spend so often trying to avoid. But I want to have some time to decompress first.

I take a sip of my water as I check my phone, silently waiting for the others to leave. I notice most of the group leave out of the corner of my eye—everyone except Blondie, who lags behind, only to approach me.

"Look, I know you're irritated with us, and you don't want us to be part of your group, but you're going to have to learn how to get along with us. Plain and simple," Blondie exclaims, a stern gaze in her eyes and her fists slightly clenched.

I just stare blankly at the girl, no longer caring at this point. I'm done dealing with the group today, but I do take notice of what she's saying. I know I have to get along, but getting along with people I don't know is hard. But I'm trying to deal with it—one step at a time.

"Look, Blondie, I am trying to get along with you guys. But you also have to take the performance coming up seriously because it determines if you stay in the program or not. And we won't get far if you're not willing to put in the effort. That’s plain and simple," I retort, trying to make it clear because I want her to understand why I'm taking the performance so seriously. It's not because I'm trying to be mean, but because I care about getting it right.

"And we are putting in the effort, but you're also going to have to learn how to tolerate us!" Blondie tells me, making me shake my head, not wanting to deal with this conversation right now.

"Look, I'm not going to argue with you right now. I have stuff to get done, and it looks like your friends are waiting for you." I point out the window to where the three others await the girl.

Blondie just shakes her head as she steps closer. "If you should know anything about me, it's that I don't give up! I'm not very familiar with dance, but I got into the program through my friends. I'm willing to learn. But you also have to be willing to work with me. But I'm not going to give up on the group, which means I won't give up on you! We'll get through the performance, I just know it, but you also have to realize that yourself! And once again, it's Quinn! Maybe at least try and learn your group members' names!" the girl declares, her voice strong in a way I still don't get how she can do. I mean, she looks so frail and innocent, and the fact that she can be so intense is kinda startling.

But I just stare at the girl, unsure of how to respond. Does she actually want to make this group work? She hopes to get far in the program, but she admits she hardly knows how to dance herself. She has some pretty wild dreams if she wants to believe that.

"Quinn? You coming?" the other girl calls out, finally making Blondie turn back to the rest of her group.

She turns back to me, but I just motion for her to leave. After I don't respond, the girl slightly glares before running to catch up with her group, closing the door behind her.

I sigh as my body goes limp. Why was I so controlling today? I know I screwed up, but I still went along with it. Why did I try so hard to control the group when I knew it wouldn't work and I would just embarrass myself further?

I knew the whole time that I should just stand back and let the group do their own thing because, at this point, it doesn't matter what the rest of my group looks like as long as my dance is perfect. But I guess I was so desperate for the whole dance to be perfect that I tried to change the others to fit my vision of how I think it should look.

Maybe my life just feels out of control right now. So much has changed, and there's so much right now that I can't control that I'm trying to grasp any sort of control I can get right now. I'm trying to control the group because I can't control anything else. But I know I should focus on controlling myself, not others. Hopefully, it'll get easier with time. Maybe soon I won't have these feelings anymore.

Chapter Text

After taking another sip of water, I continue to pant, feeling my heart pound in my ears, my body burning up as sweat sticks to my face. I’m exhausted, but I don’t want to stop now. I don’t want to stop for anything because I know if I do, I’m going to lose my rhythm, and I can’t let that happen.

I don’t know what time it is; the rest of my team left a little while ago. Our first competition is coming up, and I know that everyone’s eyes are going to be on me. I know I need to be at peak performance from the very beginning.

That’s why I can’t afford to falter now. I need to keep going until I get this routine perfect. I don’t know how much longer it’s going to take, but I can’t bring myself to pull away from rehearsal, not now. It’s too soon.

But it doesn’t mean that my body isn’t trying everything in its power to get me to stop practicing. I’m sure after a minute or so, I’ll find my strength again to get back into it. But as I try to suck in my breath, I notice that it’s a little hard to breathe, making me have to sit down, just trying to catch my breath.

Trying to catch my breath, I notice how dizzy I feel—feeling a small strike of panic starting in my stomach, bursting throughout the rest of my body. I already know that’s going to make my sick feeling so much worse. I need to get my body under control. How is this happening now, of all times?

The only reason I’m panicking is that I had a moment where I had a hard time catching my breath. It’s not even that big of a deal in the first place. I just need to take a moment to get my bearings, and I don’t even know how I got distracted in the first place. But my brain surely doesn’t seem to think so.

The thought crosses my mind that maybe it isn't the best idea to try to force me to keep going when I know that it's not the best idea. And now my body’s trying to fight against me when it doesn’t need to in the first place. I’m fine, so why does my body think it’s not?

Luckily, my body stops feeling quite as hot and tense, my breathing finally getting under control after I don’t even know how long. But in the place of the previous feelings, an overwhelming, heavy feeling takes hold, and my body finally screams out for a break. At this point, I’m scared of how my body will react if I don’t listen to it.

After taking a few minutes to ponder the idea, and while I still despise it. Maybe it is time to call it a night. After taking a few minutes to build my strength back up, I push myself off the ground, my body still trying to revolt against everything that I’m trying to get it to do.

It’s like my body really is trying to make it clear that I pushed myself too far. I had no idea I could have pushed myself to the point where I couldn’t function properly. I mean, I didn’t even think I did it that badly. Hours of rehearsing, just going over the steps over and over again to the point that it’s perfect every time, is just how you get better. It’s just what I have to do.

I gaze over at my phone lying beside my Bluetooth speaker, which I stopped right before grabbing a sip of water. Perhaps I can review it one last time to ensure I have it down before I finally call it a night.

I step over to the phone, pick it up, rewind the music one last time, press play, and allow it to hit the speakers. But as the music hits my eardrums, I can’t help but notice that it almost stings. I let out a quiet grunt, quickly holding myself back from covering my ears, them suddenly being too sensitive to try and listen further.

You’ve seriously got to be kidding me. I can’t listen to the music without my brain protesting its annoyance. Besides getting tired for a little bit, I still hardly know what triggered it this time.

But I think it’s already been made clear that I’m not going to be making much more progress. After quickly stopping the music, I let out a quiet sigh, feeling frustrated beyond belief that I can’t even keep going and that my body is preventing me from continuing.

Letting the silence sit in the air for a few more seconds, I finally find the energy to start packing up my things to head out, still furious at myself for the predicament that I’ve got myself in. Just because I might be down for the count right now means that I can come back even stronger tomorrow.

Maybe that’s how I should look at it. Just because I can’t keep going tonight means I can come back early in the morning and work the whole day until I have to go to class. It just means that I can do better tomorrow.

Finally, after gathering my things, I place my bag over my back, my body still feeling weighted. I know that I have to trudge all the way back to my apartment, which is not that close to the school, starts to loom over me. At this point, I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know how I’m going to be able to do it.

But I know that I have to. There’s no way I can just stay in the rec center all night. Besides, I’m sure it’s closing soon, so soon enough, I won’t even have a choice in the matter.

So, it's about time I got out of here. There's no point in dragging it out even longer, not with my own energy draining and knowing the walk back to the apartment would be even more brutal if I did that.

Grabbing onto the door's handle, I quickly open it up, step out, and gaze straight ahead. I suddenly notice that the once-bright exterior, showcasing all the buildings and students traveling around campus, is now replaced with pitch darkness. When did it get so dark outside? I swear I wasn’t working for that long.

I groan quietly, dreading the walk home, only to be so much worse. Now, I have to walk in the dark, which isn’t the most thrilling. I always try to get back to my apartment as soon as possible before it gets dark, but I suppose with the days getting darker earlier, it might be time to adjust my schedule.

I don’t want to because it would take away from my dancing time, but I can always rehearse in the apartment. It’s safer for me to stay in the apartment instead of being in public, where who knows what could happen.

And the thought only seems to make me even more anxious. How in the world am I going to get home tonight? I don’t want to just wander in the darkness! That’s not safe!

I don’t even know if I can just suck it up and get through it, either. I don’t want to give myself a chance to get hurt by whatever creep is in the night. But I know that I can’t just stay in here either, so what am I supposed to do?

I keep walking to the entrance of the rec center, walking down the large staircase, my eyes still gawking at the darkness outside. It’s honestly really ominous how dark it is outside and how little is visible. It’s unsettling.

As I reach the entrance, I let out a nervous sigh, already dreading going out there. But I know I’m going to have to do it sooner or later, so I might as well just try to get it over with before it has a chance to get any later.

I stop in my tracks, holding my breath, before stepping out into the darkness. The crisp, cold nips at my skin, making me flinch at the sensation. While I don’t feel as overwhelmed as in the dance studio, I still don’t feel the most stable.

I just go straight down the path, trying to make it to the apartment as quickly as possible. I know that it’s going to be a while, but if I’m quick, then maybe I might be okay. But I don’t know for sure, so I won’t slow down, not even for a second.

“April!”

The way I flinch at the name is ridiculous; my whole body shudders, making me lose my footing for a second, and a wave of cold washes over me. After my body settles, I see none other than Blondie approaching me with her little buddies behind her.

“What are you doing here?” I bite, trying to keep my confidence up to show the girl I’m not scared. I don’t want her to know that anything’s wrong with me.

“What are you doing out here so late? We finished rehearsal hours ago. Are you seriously still working?” Quinn inquires, gazing up at me with wide eyes as the blonde’s friends eye me skeptically.

“Yeah, there’s always room for improvement, you know?” I state, crossing my arms, hoping to get Quinn to brush me off so I can be left alone. While Quinn wants me to like her, the rest of her little friend group despises me already, and I don’t want to entertain that or feed their hatred more.

I would much rather just be left to my own devices instead of being hated by others, but of course, Quinn’s about to do anything in her power to get me on her team, which I know isn’t going to happen, even if there’s a part of me that wants that to happen, even though it is impossible.

“But it’s dark outside. Are you going to be walking back to your dorm by yourself?” This time, Isaiah speaks up, the guy I always seem to butt-heads with the most. Both of us have a lot of talent, but when it comes to hard work, I’m the one who always carries it out.

“Yeah, I don’t exactly have anyone to walk back with me,” I state, trying to start backing up a little, but Quinn reaches out, pulling me back.

“Well, you don’t need to walk back in the dark. What about we walk with you?” Quinn offers, making my body hitch a little, gazing at the blonde’s friends, not knowing if they’re okay with that.

Once again, I don’t want to be a problem, so I won’t keep myself as separated from them as possible. Trying to form relationships with people who don’t care about me is useless when I know it won’t matter in the end, because we will be going our own way. I’m just trying to save myself from heartbreak again.

“No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about me,” I try to brush off, my eyes locking with the girl’s friends behind her. As I eye them again, Quinn’s best friend, Jasmine, speaks up.

“You know you’re not supposed to walk alone in the dark, right? We’re already heading to the dorms anyway, so you can just come with us,” Jasmine states, making me grow quiet again.

A small sense of embarrassment rises in me since I know I don’t live in the dorms, but I’ve been trying to keep that from them. I don’t want them to know that I don’t have enough money to afford a dorm, instead being stuck in a small, cramped apartment that hardly has enough room for me.

But something’s holding me back from just brushing them off completely. After all, I don’t want to walk in the dark alone, so maybe having some people to walk back with won’t be completely bad.

"Umm, I don't exactly live close to the dorms," I start, not really knowing how else to word it. I want to see if they would at least walk with me a little bit, but I know they won't want to walk with me all the way back to the apartment. I know those boundaries.

“Then where do you live?” Quinn’s boyfriend, Jake, speaks up, making me grow quiet again, trying to decide how to respond.

I’m not going to tell them anything about the apartment I live in, but I suppose I can tell them that I live off-campus, and if they just follow me to the edge of campus, I should be able to handle things from there. I don’t know how I’ll handle making the trek all the way to the apartment, but it’s at least a start.

“Nearby, but it’s off campus. If you’re open, if you just walk with me to the edge of campus, I should be fine from there,” I reveal, figuring that should be a fair enough compromise.

“You live off campus?” Jasmine asks in surprise, making me a soft, nervous chuckle. This is precisely why I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I don’t want them worrying about me.

I don’t like people worrying about me, especially when it’s out of their control. I just keep information like that to myself. No one needs to worry about me.

“Yeah, a small place nearby. It’s fine. I’m not expecting you guys to walk with me all the way back there, but if you really want to walk with me, that’s where I’m heading,” I state, finally deciding to be a little open with them if it means that I can get back to the dorm safely.

While I wouldn’t usually want to be so open with the team, prioritizing safety is more important now. If the team is open to walking with me, I’m going to take it. I’m not going to push away that opportunity.

“Well, I’m sure we can stop by the edge of campus for you, right?” Quinn speaks up, turning to eye her friends behind her. While I would normally expect the rest of the group to show their disappointment on their faces, I don’t think they look entirely miserable this time.

“Yeah, I mean, there’s no reason for you to have to walk back in the dark,” Jasmine speaks up. I can’t help but feel a small sense of warmth enter my chest at the group's even minor dedication, even though I wasn’t expecting it at all.

“Yeah, I suppose it shouldn’t take too long,” Isaiah brushes off, his usual tone of trying to show who’s boss isn’t apparent right now. Does he actually care?

“Yeah, it should be right up the road. It’s near the rec center, right?” Jake points out, making Quinn nod as she leads the way down the path, and I can’t help but feel more at ease under the warm night lights of the lamp posts dotted along the path.

The city always feels so alive, even at night. Back home, when the sun went down, people settled down. There wasn’t much nightlife, but it’s always teeming with energy here.

“Yeah, it’s not that far, so it shouldn’t even take that long,” I assure as I know the pathway home like the back of my hand, having done it pretty much all day for about a month since I started school.

“Well, we can take the walk with you. So, you’re out this late to go over the dance again? I hate to admit this, but that might be a little excessive, even for this school,” Quinn brings up, trying to seem as kind as possible, but I can tell that she doesn’t mean in the nicest way.

“Well, like I said, I won’t fall behind. Besides, I’m sure I’m not the only one doing this,” I say before walking a little ahead, still trying to get back to my apartment as soon as possible.

“Well, there’s more to life than just dance. Even I know that,” Isaiah brings up, making me scoff before glaring at him.

“Easy for you to say,” I retort before gazing ahead, deciding it wouldn’t hurt to continue to converse with the group.

“I’m just saying, you’re going to burn yourself out, and we have hardly started as well,” Isaiah points out, making me glare at him again. Well, not all of us can afford to not dance whenever possible; some of us have to be the best, which means working towards it constantly.

“I think I’ll be fine. I don’t get burned out,” I simply respond, as it’s oddly true. Dancing is how I cope when stressed when I’m stressed about other issues.

It’s what I do when I get burned out in other areas, so I can’t imagine getting burned out of dance. Honestly, that kind of scares me more than anything. To suddenly not be able to dance as much anymore, I don’t know if I would be able to handle it. That’s literally my everything, my whole world. I can’t imagine suddenly not being able to dance for whatever reason.

“Well, hate to break it to you, but it happens to everyone who does something too much. Better be able to have a handle on it before you burn out,” Isaiah comments back in his ‘I know more than you,’ tone that I simply can’t even stand.

“I’m done talking about this,” I simply state, hoping to make it clear before he goes in deeper, making me even more upset. I’m honestly not in the mood for an argument tonight. I just need to get back to my apartment safely and soundly.

“You really don’t like talking about anything that tears you down, huh? Can’t handle the truth?” Isaiah speaks up after I walk ahead a little. I come to a stop, trying to hold myself back from snapping at him.

“Okay, Isaiah now's not the time to start anything. Let’s just get April going back to where she lives,” Jasmine speaks up, not even Quinn this time to try and defend me.

I honestly don’t get it. Does this team like me or not? Most of the time, they’re just brushing me off, clarifying that they don’t like me, but here they are trying to defend me! It’s just not adding up!

I let out a long exhale, thankful for someone else speaking up so that I don’t have to. I don’t want to blow up at the team, knowing that I would make everything so much worse.

“Yeah, agreed. We’re being nice and walking April back to her apartment, so we need to be nice to her while she’s finally hanging out with us,” Quinn says before rushing to my side to walk with me.

I hear a small scoff from Isaiah. “I thought I was just pointing out the obvious,” he points out. Well, some things are just left better unsaid.

“Well, now’s not the time for that,” Quinn retorts, keeping her head high as she walks beside me. “Anyways, how was your day?” she inquires, making me quietly sigh before entertaining the girl a little. It’s the least I can do since she and her friends are kind enough to walk with me.

Quinn keeps the conversation going pretty much the whole walk. As we reach the edge of campus, I give my final goodbyes to the group, but before I can leave, Quinn crushes me in a hug, making me tense up for a second before slowly returning the hug.

“Be safe, okay? We’ll see you tomorrow,” Quinn declares before finally pulling away. I don’t even know how to respond to that. I don’t want her to think this is going to last. After tomorrow, it’s back to business. I’m not going to keep entertaining something that isn’t meant to last.

“Yeah, bye,” I respond before giving the group a small wave. I turn around and finally head in the direction of my apartment. My senses start to be on edge again, but if I’m quick, I should hopefully be okay.

As I make my way back to my apartment, I keep a sharp eye out, keeping my head on a swivel, not faltering for a second. Finally arriving back at the apartment, I quickly rush inside the building, heading straight down the hall to my apartment, opening it, stepping inside, and slamming the door shut. Leaning back against the door, I finally allow my body to decompress from the long night.

My body remains heavy, a dull sensation pulsating under my skin, which makes it all the more evident that I'm overwhelmed. I hate that I get like this; it always makes me feel so pathetic. But it's a feeling that I unfortunately know all too well. It's something that I've dealt with for as long as I can remember.

I end up dragging myself to bed, desperate to get under the covers to finally let myself settle down, finally be at ease, and not have to worry about the overwhelming sensations that bombard me throughout the day.

When I started rehearsal today, I wanted to spend as long as possible on it, but I didn’t want to do it too long since I didn’t want to walk in the dark. I suppose I lost track of time, but I had to anyway.

I am glad that my team found me. While I never feel like I’m a part of the group, I’m glad I have someone to walk with, and a group was even better. I still don’t know exactly what to make of the group, but maybe they’re starting to warm up to them. Not completely. I’m not going to let myself get too deep, but perhaps it won’t be a bad thing if I have some people to lean on, especially with all the other stress in my life. Maybe they can offer some familiar stability.

Chapter Text

Today’s the day. The day of the first official competition since I started studying in one of the top professional dance colleges in the country. I’m putting a lot of pressure on today, so I know I can’t falter one bit. I just hope I can count on my team today.

I’ve slowly been getting adjusted to living on my own. The apartment isn’t as frightening as before, and I’ve even found some people I can rely on. Mostly, the man who lives near the front: Deco. While he might not be someone I've quite gotten to know before, he's been able to keep a lookout for me and even taught me a thing or two about living here in New York.

I’ll admit that it’s nice to have someone willing to look out for me, especially after I don’t really have anyone else to turn to. We’re both very different people, but at least he tolerates me when I need someone to lend an ear, and he makes sure I don’t go off and do something stupid and make sure I stay on track with everything.

I’m learning my way from my apartment to campus and around campus. It hasn’t been easy, but when you spend so much time in a place, you tend to learn your way around.

And, of course, I’ve had to learn how to get along with my dance group. It’s been difficult since it seems the group hasn’t been the biggest fan of working with me. It just seems like they would rather work with each other over me.

It really only seems like Quinn’s the only one who wants to be remotely kind to me. But when her attitude just seems fake, and it’s clear that the rest of her friends don't like me, it’s just hard to be nice. Plus, it’s always been hard for me to warm up to new people, so it’s not like we’re friends.

I just don’t know how attached I should get to the group. I know they’ll be sticking around for a while if we can even make it through the first round. But I don’t know if I should become all buddy-buddy with them because what if I do? Would they just end up being another group of people I’m forced to leave? I doubt I can handle that, especially after I left the only world I’ve ever known. So, I guess that’s the biggest reason I’m not trying to get close to the group.

And today, I have high hopes for my performance. I’ve been constantly working on the dances, just as I always do, and I know I’m ready. The amount of time I've spent rehearsing in the dance studios, the gym, and even my apartment has been remarkable. Noticing where most of the other students are in my class, they can hardly compare.

Most of the students are good, but I’m willing to play the long game. I'll do it if I have to spend all my free time rehearsing. It’s what I enjoy and do best. There’s no way I’m going to fall behind and lose my spot at the academy.

But with the rest of the group, I’m not sure. I still have no clue what the rest of my team is going to do. I’m not worried about Isaiah or Jasmine, but I know they won't get far regarding Jake, especially Quinn.

I do feel pretty bad for Jake. He’s been struggling with an injury for quite a while now that has been affecting his ability to dance, but he’s got skill when he’s feeling up to it. He has to take extra breaks and take additional time to prepare for intense performances like today. I just hope he can keep himself together to perform.

And with Quinn, I still have no clue how she got into the program. Her friends must be really impressive at convincing the academy because that girl has no talent. She’s a hard worker, I’ll give her that, but she still struggles to keep up and can hardly get the dance down. I just hope she can stay up today, or she'll be out of here. She won’t get far if she can’t learn the dances properly.

And she better not ruin my chances of making it on Broadway, or we'll have issues.

We are sitting in the auditorium building, in one of the many side personal dance rooms, waiting for our turn to go on. Per the school’s rules, each competitor isn’t allowed to see the others' performances.

While the others have concluded that they’ve rehearsed enough and are ready, I won’t take any chances. Gazing into the mirror, I repeatedly review the main part of the number, making sure it’s one hundred percent down pat for today. It’s one of the most important parts of the dance, so I can’t let that part of it appear wimpy by any means.

“April, you’ve been practicing since we got in here, and there are still multiple groups in front of us. Don’t you need to conserve your energy? Just get over here and sit down!” Isaiah urges as he sits beside Jake on the floor, who’s obviously resting up the most before the competition. Quinn and Jasmine sit beside them, whispering to each other in whatever weird girl talk girls like them do.

I roll my eyes. Of all the people other than Quinn, Isaiah has made this team absolutely miserable for me. He’s the one who always wants to make sure he has control of the group. I thought I made it clear that while he can lead his little buddies, I’m going to stick to myself. I know what’s best for me, and I know I need to rehearse.

“I’m fine. I need to go over the dance again,” I respond before trying to start from the beginning, as I lost track. I’m following the step along pretty well, that is, until I can’t help but get a shaky feeling crawling up my spine, forcing me to stop before I stumble over.

I quietly groan under my breath as I drag myself over to where I left my bag, which just happened to be lying beside the rest of the team. I practically collapse to the ground, reaching out to grab my body just as I feel a shiver rip through me.

I quickly bring the water bottle to my lips, trying to ease the dizzy feeling going through me. Once the cool water hits my tongue, I feel instantly better, but far from one hundred percent. I search my bag again, trying to find the snacks I’ve recently discovered that I need to carry around with me all the time.

I hate going to the dining hall. It takes away from studying or class time, and there are so many options that I never know what to do. Plus, since I don’t live on campus, I don’t have a meal plan, so I’m paying out of pocket for everything, and I don’t exactly have the money to constantly afford food. So, I make do with what I can get, but I’ve found myself needing to carry snacks whenever I feel too sick to rehearse or perform.

I close my eyes as I finally start to feel a little better. I’m still not ready to get up and rehearse, but I don’t feel like I’m about to pass out anymore. But I still feel a little shaken up, so I bring my knees to my chest, trying to force myself to calm down.

“Hey, April.”

I gaze over to see Quinn scoot over to sit beside me. I stare at her with tired eyes before taking another sip of water. “Yeah?” I ask, not feeling in the mood to talk much.

“How are you feeling about today? Are you ready?” Quinn curiously asks me, having a lot more perkiness than I would care for right now.

“Yeah. I’ve been constantly practicing for the past month. What about you?” I ask, knowing that the girl is nowhere near as ready as I am. I’ll admit she’s come a long way, but there’s only so much one can improve in one month, and that girl is so far behind.

Quinn just softly chuckles as she sits up straight. “I think I’m ready. I’ve never practiced so much before, even when preparing for the high school competition. So, yeah, I’m ready, too!” Quinn declares in a much more confident manner than I would give her.

I think she has made a lot of progress from where she started, but I’m still sure she’s going to struggle during the competition. I just hope for the best for her, but once we step onto that stage, it’s going to be up to her.

I finally quietly scoff, obviously not wanting to hurt her feelings. Despite how much I’ve tried to keep my distance from the group, I’ll admit that Quinn has been kind to me. And besides, she and the group are practically all I have.

“Well, I’ll hold you to it. Break a leg, kid,” I tell Quinn, who softly smiles as I finish eating the small snack I kept in my bag. It wasn’t much, but it should tide me over for now. I just know that I’m going to have to get something to eat after the performance.

I start placing my trash in my bag for later, only for Quinn to speak up. “You can eat at a time like this? I thought you didn’t like to eat before a performance,” she inquires, making me skeptically eye the younger girl.

“Yeah, well, I kinda need it.” I take one more sip of the water. “Now, I need to get back to work. We’re going to be on soon.” I start to get up, only for Quinn to pull me back down, giving me a small glare.

“You’ve been practicing since you got here. Don’t you want to conserve your energy?” Quinn speaks up, making me sigh in defeat before dropping back to the ground. Okay. Fine. I’ll admit I don’t have much energy left anyway. I probably need to regain that energy to be ready to perform tonight.

I quietly sigh as I gaze down. “Fine,” I whisper, messing with my hands nervously, never being one to be able to sit still for long. I can sometimes hold myself back, but I’m really nervous about the performance. I just hope everything goes well.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-

The time finally comes for us to perform. Getting up from the wall, I step forward. I want to be the first one out on the dance floor. I glance back to see the rest of the team gathering behind me as we make our way through the hallway backstage.

We finally reach the wings of the stage. I glance out to see the team ahead of us already performing. I study the dance for a minute, noting how they choreographed their jumps and turns. They’re remarkable; I almost wish I had thought of that beforehand. But at the same time, I’m pleased with our dance. I have hopes that we’ll be able to move on.

I suddenly take in a sharp intake of breath, my eyes widening in fear as my chest constricts just a little. I hold myself back from making any noise, only for me to have to step back into the hallway to stop myself from spiraling out of control.

I close my eyes before I lean my head against the wall. Keep yourself together, April. You won’t be able to go out there if you have a panic attack. Stop breaking down and get a grip on yourself!

“April? What are you doing out here?” Isaiah steps out of the wings as well. I groan, feeling irritated. Isaiah is always the one to be extra rude about my behavior. He’s just here to yell at me and force me to get back out there. I’ll be fine; I just need a moment.

“I’ll be back in a few minutes. Just give me a minute,” I call out, hoping Isaiah drops it and heads back inside.

“What’s wrong? You’re not chickening out on us, are you?” Isaiah snaps, making me roll my eyes. No, of course not. I’m just being weak again.

“No. Can I not take a moment to prepare myself? I’ll be there in a few,” I snap back, needing the silence to calm my thoughts. Isaiah just groans before gazing back into the wings.

“Well, don’t be late. We’re about to go on!” Isaiah declares before stepping back into the wings. Once he’s gone, I finally feel like I can breathe. Get yourself together, April. Nick’s not here to comfort you like back in New Hope. You have to do that all yourself now.

After taking those minutes in silence, I already feel so much better. Taking one more deep breath, I turn to go back in there. I can do this. I know I can.

I walk back into the wings, my body all prepared. The energy coursing through me, and I feel confident. I might not have Nick here with me, but I know I can get through this.

Once the rest of my team spots me, they give me a sharp nod. The team before us finishes, and the music for our dance starts up. I close my eyes, allowing the beat of the music to flow through me once again before opening my eyes. I run onto the stage first, followed by the rest of the team.

I stare out to the crowd, feeling yet another burst of energy. It’s time to do this. It’s time to show everyone all I have!

-+-+-+-+-+-+-

As the dance finally comes to an end, I sigh in relief, knowing that I got every move down perfectly. All the hard work paid off. And by judging the judge's faces, they seem pretty impressed as well.

The whole time, out of the corner of my eye, I kept an eye on Quinn, and I’ll admit that she did a lot better than I expected. Maybe she’ll get through this first round. I think she deserves it. So, as I make my way across the stage and back to the hallway, I move over to walk beside the blonde-haired girl.

“I’ll admit you did pretty well out there,” I start, making Quinn softly smile at the compliment.

“Wow, never thought I would hear you say that,” Quinn responds, making me roll my eyes.

“Well, I’m not a complete heartless monster. I acknowledge talent when I see it. It’s not perfect, but that was your best performance yet,” I tell Quinn, making her eyes light up.

“You think so? Do you think I’ll be able to move on?” Quinn practically begs, making me shrug because I don’t want to make any promises to get her hopes up just for it all to come crashing down.

“Well, that’s not exactly up to me to decide. Let’s hear what the judges have to say,” I remind the girl, who sighs as she gazes down.

“I hope it’s enough,” she mumbles.

“It will be.” Jasmine quickly runs to join our side. “You rocked it, girl. I think the judges loved it!”

“I hope so,” Quinn admits as we reach the dance room once again.

Once we step into the safety of the dance room, I feel my body instantly relax, knowing that, at least for now, I don’t have to worry about working on the dances for the performance. We just have to wait to hear back from the judges on who passes and who gets kicked out. I can’t do much more now.

I find my spot near the wall, just wanting to go ahead and get the word out before rushing back to my apartment so I can decompress before getting up tomorrow to hopefully start working on the next performance. But for now, I’m completely wiped out.

Of course, the rest of the team gathers a few feet away from me, quietly whispering about the performance. At this point, I don’t even have the energy to listen, and I’m thankful that Quinn or the others don’t try to call me over, probably too tired to argue with me anymore.

I finally just pillow my head against my knees, feeling a little overwhelmed. I really overworked myself for that performance. I know I’m going to have to catch a break.

I still have a little while until the five of us have to head out to the auditorium, since everyone gets to be there for the final announcements, where we find out who gets to move on. But that’s not for a while, so I can finally have my own space.

-+-+-+-+-+-+-

I softly smile to myself as I step out of the auditorium, feeling pleased with myself. Just like I expected, I’m moving on. And on another pleasant note I suppose, the rest of my team did as well. The judges definitely didn’t pass everyone, but I think they were still being a little lenient at the beginning. I don’t think it’s that bad. At least I don’t have to worry about trying to change up my team already.

But now that the performance is over, I’m more than ready to head back “home,” if I can even call it that. It sounds like the rest of my team’s going out to celebrate, but I’m just ready to rest. Tomorrow, I plan to get up bright and early to start working on the next performance. Dance never ends, and I know I’m going to end up going crazy if I end up getting too far behind.

But as I start to make my way to the doors, Quinn finally races to catch up with me. “Hey. You should join us. You’re as much a part of the team as we are! What do you say?” Quinn starts, making me pause before turning and gazing back at the rest of the team, who don’t seem completely disappointed that Quinn’s begging for me to come along.

“I don’t know-” I start right as Quinn gives me puppy dog eyes.

“Please?” Quinn begs, her eyes widening in desperation.

I sigh in defeat. What’s the harm? I doubt we’ll be out long anyway because I’m sure the rest of the team is about as wiped out as I am.

“Okay. Fine. Where are you thinking?” I ask, finally giving in, making Quinn smile before she practically drags me over to the rest of the group.

“Oh, we’re just staying on campus, but we’re going to one of the restaurants nearby. You’ll like it, come on,” Quinn reveals before she practically drags me with the rest of the group toward the exit. I don’t even try to fight her right now.

But maybe it won’t be that bad. Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve learned that my group might not be as bad as I thought. We’re far from close, and I don’t necessarily like working with them, but I think they’re more talented than some groups. I have high hopes that we’ll go far together.

And besides, I never know. I might have found people I can fall back on. I doubt it, but it doesn’t stop me from dreaming. But what am I kidding? I shouldn’t need anyone but myself. I don’t need to get involved in something that’s just going to cause me more pain in the future.

The only person I can rely on is myself, and that's just how it is and how it will always be.