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Toma lies. And he is smart, and never careless; he's meticulous and through. Toma always makes sure he can't get caught, that he has an alibi, that he has a queue of other lies to justify and precede the newest one. He has carefully laid and built a web of crafted lies around his life and environment. To survive.
His lies are always spotless, almost perfect.
In fact, Toma is so good at lying he's barely able to distinguish truths from lies anymore; not when they are his. Not when he's made such a huge effort to make other believe in them, carefully spreading them like a warm blanket of comfort.
And yet, Toma has never lied to get out of trouble, or to make himself look good: he's never had interest on any of these things. But when it came to hiding a part of himself, he learned to perfectly mask and erase it with lies.
For her sake, Toma has built a world of lies.
For his sake, his world has become a lie.
And he knew he had to make-believe in every of his lies, because to fool others you have to prove them your lies. You have to be the first fool. The smartest and at the same time, the most foolish. Until truths became lies, and lies, absolute truths. Until there is no way to tell which is which.
It was only natural then, that in time he ended up falling for his own trap, that he distorted reality and could not tell apart truths from lies, where one ended and the other began. And he was fine with that. In a cruel world where reality was so painful, these lies were soothing. These lies provided him, and her, and them, the comfort truths would never be able to.
The price though, was that now Toma could not get away from the spiderweb of lies he had trapped himself in.
But if he had fooled her- then everything had been worthy. Then everything was fine, so long she was happy. So long she was... fine. So long she knew he loved her, as her stepbrother. As the filial, not blood related but almost, as if, brother. As her harmless friend, as nothing else.
What else was there, besides that.
(He could not... remember)
Yeah, he was such a good liar. He kept telling himself that least he... couldn't believe his own lies.
But that was fine with him. He needn't a heart if she was happy. Her heart would supply his. Her smile would light his day, and her warm kindness would keep him alive. From the distance, always the careful distance. Always. And everytime a step further.
Carefully stepping away, while in dreams he reaches for the forbidden.
So long he could keep at this- and he was good, there was no way he could not-, the lies would be truths, and the world would keep spinning as it should. A world where she would not have to suffer because his selfishness would destroy their bond, a world made of the parts of himself he tore apart for both. A world where he kept her as his friend. A world where lies protected instead of destroying.
And so, for years, this kept him together, precariously but somehow together. Until now.
Really, when reality decides to slap you it's more like it decides to crush you mercilessly, as if taking revenge for all the time you ignored it.
Gradually that blanket of comfort made of lies had worn out, enough to let Toma see through it. Enough so he could be aware of all that web of lies had been shielding him, and not her, from.
It was not that keeping the lie had became tiring- because he was protecting her, and that kept him together, kept him fine-, it was the fact that whilst he kept that lie he couldn't protect her from others. From that other childhood friend, bold and blunt, but honest and determined. From that sly and womanizer coworker of hers without a single good redeeming quality, and the pack of bitches that were his fan club.
From all the strange things that kept happening around her threatening her life without any logical explanation.
Toma had never realized how dangerous lying was until now. Until this very moment, when he saw his lies had blinded him from reality. That his lies prevented him to act.
He had fooled himself so well he had not realized the sub current running outside his world of lies. As he had shut himself from the world where he was not allowed to love, the rest of the world had kept moving and changing. And so, this happened.
It's always the small decisions, piling one after the other until they build a wall between you.
What you say and what you don't. The silences. The distance.
It's always the small things you underestimate that hurt the most. And he never thought all this would backfire him, but it had;
Toma found he could not protect her because he could not fight- he was not supposed to fight.
For her.
He had been such a good liar. Until he could not lie anymore. And decided to act.
And as everything Toma did, it hadn't happy medium.