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Sora thought he would be all alone when he woke up in Quadratum. But thankfully, he befriended one of his neighbors before too long, a girl around his age named Strelitzia. They became fast friends because, as he quickly figured out, she was just as lonely and desperate for friends here as he was.
Strelitzia had been in Quadratum for a long, long time, and her apartment was filled with trinkets, treasures, and antique equipment. She’d taped vintage postcards from places around Quadratum to her walls, and all remaining wall space was taken up by bookcases of varying shapes and sizes filled with dusty tomes and curious knickknacks. Sora marveled at her snow globe collection, her old time radio with its knobs and dials, the stacks of coins dating back decades.
But something in particular, situated on its own table next to her faded couch, caught his eye.
"What's this?” Sora asked. It was one of those old rotary phones where you had to dial the numbers by hand using a small wheel. The power cord lay idly on the table next to it, and Sora's thoughts flickered to old movies and the faint, musty scent of his grandma's attic.
“It's called a wind phone,” Strelitzia said, her hands running over the receiver like it was an old friend. “I use it to call my brother when I'm feeling lonely.”
Sora did a double take just to confirm he wasn't crazy. He still had to figure out a lot about this Quadratum place, and for all he knew, dead people could call their loved ones somehow. “But it isn't plugged in,” he finally said, which was stating the obvious, but he was curious. “You can't actually talk to him, right?”
“No, but it helps to get my feelings out. To think about what I would say to him if I still could.”
Sora understood why. There were so many things he wished he could say to his friends. So many things he wished he could say to Kairi.
What he wouldn't give to talk to her just one more time. That was the worst thing about death. It was so final. He was gone from her life, from her world, from her reality, a great barrier separating them. His words couldn't reach her. Wouldn't reach her. She couldn't hear his voice, no matter how much he begged and pleaded and screamed.
Strelitzia picked the phone up. “I want you to have it, Sora. I think it would really help you.” She smiled, one of those sad, knowing smiles that said so much more than simple words could. Grief was like a language you didn't understand until you’d lost someone, and he and Strelitzia spoke it fluently now.
“Strelitzia, I can't take this from you. Not if you're using it to talk to your brother.”
“It's okay. I have a journal too, and I write letters to him.”
That sounded so much like Kairi it made his heart ache. Had she written him any letters since he’d disappeared and broken her heart? What he wouldn't give to hear her voice again.
He swallowed the lump in his throat and took the phone from Strelitzia, carefully cradling it in his arms because it was priceless. “So I just pretend it's a normal phone call?”
“Whatever helps you. It's just good to get it all out.”
"Right. I don't want to risk turning into a Heartless again.” It had already happened once during battle here. His Heartless form was bigger and stronger than ever. But that made it more unpredictable, more dangerous. He had to get his emotions under control if he wanted to control himself in that form.
It was just so hard, with the waves of grief hitting him over and over, sweeping him off his feet and dragging him under the current until he felt like he was gonna drown. During those moments, his chest really hurt and it was hard to breathe, like invisible hands were squeezing around his heart and lungs. He felt like he was dying all over again, like the future was pointless, like it didn't matter if he gave up and let himself sink.
So if pretending to talk to Kairi would help with all that, maybe it was worth a shot.
“Thank you, Strelitzia. I'll give it a try.”
She smiled and nodded, and he returned to his apartment. It was so bare and sparse compared to Strelitzia's. He only had a few pieces of furniture—a couch, a small table next to the couch, one of those heated tables called a kotatsu, then his dresser and bed. He set the phone down on the small table and nearly plugged in the phone out of habit before remembering it wasn't supposed to work. Not like that, anyway.
He stared at it for several long moments, his stomach twisting into knots. What was he so afraid of? Losing control and breaking down? More waves of grief engulfing and overwhelming him? No matter how hard he outran his sorrow, it always caught up to him in the end. Maybe he should take charge of it for once.
He picked up the receiver and dialed Kairi's phone number with slow, deliberate movements. Like he was calling her any other time, like this wasn't any different from all the other times they’d talked on the phone. His hand shook a little, but he kept the receiver glued to his ear.
“Hey, Kairi,” he said, feeling a little silly. “It's me, Sora.”
The line was completely silent. Of course it was silent. But that didn't stop his heart from sinking.
He steeled himself and swallowed. “I hope you're doing okay.” It was a stupid hope because he knew she wasn't okay, not with him gone, but he wanted her to be okay all the same. “I'm sorry I disappeared on you like that. I didn't want to, trust me. I wanted to stay with you. I wanted to make so many more memories with you. I wanted to be there for all of your special moments, and I wanted you to be there for mine.”
Those invisible fingers from before wrapped around his heart. A tsunami of grief was just over the horizon. He plunged in. “I miss you so, so much,” he said, his voice breaking. “Not a day goes by where I don't think about you. You're on my mind and in my heart, always.”
His eyes watered and his lower lip trembled, but he attempted a smile for her. “You make me a better person, Kairi. The best version of myself I can be. You're my light in the darkness, my hope when I'm hopeless, my strength when I'm weak. Without you, I feel so lost.”
He was raw and exposed now, drowning in his grief, but he couldn't stop.
“I wish with all my heart I could see you again,” he told her, the words tumbling out of him. “That I could hear your voice, just one more time. I think about you all the time, I dream about you every night. Everything reminds me of you, I can't go anywhere or do anything without remembering you—”
A strange, static sound crackled in his ear. His heart jumped into his throat, and he glanced at the power cord to confirm the phone wasn't plugged in.
“Sora,” a voice said on the other line, sounding very far away and breaking up multiple times.
Chills went down his spine. No way, this shouldn't be possible—
Muffled sobbing came over the other line. “I miss you so much, I want to see you again.”
He knew who it was. He knew whose voice that was, and those heartbroken sobs were for him. He wanted to cry and jump for joy all at the same time. “Kairi, it's me, I can hear you, I miss you too—”
“What I wouldn't give—to talk to you one last time,” she said, as if she hadn't even heard him.
He gripped the receiver so hard his hand began to hurt. “But you are talking to me! Kairi, it's me, it's Sora!”
The crying on the other line continued, and he felt like a Heartless had just ripped his heart out of his chest. She couldn't hear him, could she? He could hear her, but she couldn't hear him. Didn't know that he was trying to reassure her and comfort her.
Hot tears welled up in his eyes and trailed down his cheeks. Before, he felt like he was in limbo. Now he just felt like he was in hell. Because it was a special kind of torture, hearing Kairi's grief by being unable to do anything about it.
Still, he couldn't bring himself to hang up the phone. This was his first time hearing her voice since their separation, so he would go through this for her.
“There are so many things I wanted to say—that I never got to tell you,” she choked out.
“You can tell me now,” he said softly, his own voice choked with emotion.
“All the different things I love about you, all the little things—the way your head tilts when you're confused, the way your eyes light up when you're excited. How you can fall asleep anywhere, no matter how uncomfortable the place. The way you rub under your nose when you're being sassy and the casual way you put your hands behind your neck when you're walking along. How your spiky hair defies gravity and refuses to stay tamed for long. How you look at me when you think I'm not watching and how big and strong your hand feels when you're holding mine. And when you smile at me, I know that everything's gonna be okay.”
He gave up all pretense of being in control of his emotions and just sobbed. This was exactly what he needed to hear, and he wished with all his heart she knew that he could hear her.
“It's funny, isn't it?” she said, and he pictured a smile on her face. “How important all the little things are when you lose someone. All the little things that make you you. I knew I would miss you, I just didn't think about missing all the little things. But I do. I miss you, Sora, everything about you. I know there's hope, I know Riku is searching for you, I know I'm training with Master Aqua so I'll be strong enough to fight by your side again. But that doesn't make this any easier.”
Riku was searching for him? Kairi was training again so she'd be stronger? Sparks of hope lit in his heart.
“Well, my break’s about over,” she said. “I should get going.”
No, he didn't want this to be over, he wanted her to keep talking, he wanted to listen to her voice—
“But Master Aqua was right. I do feel a little better, trying this wind phone thing. I know it's not the same as actually talking to you, but it feels nice. Like a big weight has been lifted off my chest.”
“I'm glad you tried it too, and I'm glad you feel better,” he said, smiling through his tears.
“I love you,” she said, the words simple but heartfelt, and his heart broke all over again. He knew she did, he knew it was true, but hearing her say it was something else entirely.
“Love you too,” he replied, wishing with all his heart she could hear him.
“Hope to see you soon. Bye for now.” With that, the other line went dead.
He sat there for a long time as silent tears rolled down his face. And yet, the sparks of hope were now a small, warm flame.
He smiled and wiped his eyes. “Thank you, Kairi.” And thank you to Strelitzia and Aqua too, for suggesting this in the first place. It helped, it helped so much more than they could imagine. This wasn't over. He wouldn't give up. Kairi missed him and wanted to see him again. Riku was looking for him. He had to do his part, had to find a way out of this place. Had to find a way home.
He put the receiver down. With this new drive burning bright inside his heart, he could face another day.