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The rain poured hard on the metal sheets above their condominium, drumming in the steady rhythms that echoed through their unit's thin walls. It was the kind of rain that made the town...small. It made it heavier and darker. JC slouched over the table, sitting on a chipping wooden chair. He tapped his ballpoint pen on the table, trying to tune out the loud sounds of the rain outside.
Their clothes hung limply on a steel rod near their window, barely catching any air. It mirrored the falling droplets from the ceiling and walls, hitting the idle metal pans on the floor, the couch, and above the TV.
Ashton stood barefoot at the stove with the old tank, too—2 years working and hasn't been replaced. The smell of damp fabric mixed with the sizzle of garlic perfectly. He was mixing canned corned beef on the pan, trying to make the process look appealing with such basic cuisine. He had put too much oil on the pan—JC noticed but didn't say anything.
Ashton always had a way of making things taste better than they should.
Emilio sat on JC's lap, purring on his stomach. Emilio was a rescue—they found him inside a forgotten box near a graffitied wall. JC felt awful for the cat and took him in. He was a calico, perfect for the weather and their love...right?
JC was trying to reason out with himself about the current situation with their bills. Rent was almost due and they haven't paid for at least a month. He sighed, removing his glasses and setting them beside the table. He rubbed his temple and took a breather—making sure that Emilio wasn't disturbed by his slumber.
“Kain na,” Ashton placed a plate of rice in front of JC. JC didn't care and grabbed the fork from Ashton's hands. “Short na naman ulit tayo ng 1k,” JC replied, forcefully shoving his fork on the corned beef. Ashton only sighed, focusing on his food.
“Babangon rin tayo, Ja,” he said, reasoning out. JC felt Ashton was too apathetic with the whole thing. He thought Ashton got used to living like this but never realized that JC wasn't like him. “Kukunin ko yung utang ni Kuya Enzo sa akin, may kulang siya 500 eh,” Ashton said while shoving food in his mouth.
“Hindi pwede na parati nalang tayo humihingi,” JC replied, caressing Emilio's head with his palm. “Ano bang masama? Kinukuha lang naman natin ulit ang pera natin,” Ashton replied, a slight pitch from his usual tone. JC's shoulders tensed, his mouth couldn't form any words and so he did what he did best—eat.
“Kukunin ko yung pera bukas,” that was all Ashton said before placing his plate on the sink. He walked towards the couch and opened up the TV as JC sat alone on the dining table. As JC ate his dinner, the lighting continued flashing outside, occasionally ringing their ears. JC's eyes started to water but he didn't know why.
JC finished his dinner. He raised his body high, carrying Emilio with one hand and his plate in the other. He placed the plate in the sink, washing both his and Ashton's. Emilio purred beside him and JC gave him a slight smile before drying off his hands on the hand towel.
“I love you,” he says, trying to be optimistic. He gave Emilio tons of kisses on his neck, making the cat purr in excitement. Ashton only looked at the basketball game on the television, too distracted to notice that JC was preparing for bed.
JC laid his head down on the unwashed mattress. Its colors faded but you can still sleep on it. The mattress was filled with dust, from chips to normal, house dust. As JC laid down his body on the mattress, his back started to ache but JC didn't care. At least, for some time, his back has something to lay on.
JC raised Emilio up his face, treating him like a baby. He kissed Emilio's head like a peck, which made Emilio purr. Afterwards, JC placed him below the bed to let him scurry off back outside, scratching on his post while JC looked up at the ceiling. JC tries to keep it in, but there is a sigh of frustration that came out of him. As the blades of the ceiling fan spun above him, JC asks one thing:
“Paano tayo naging ganito, Ash?”
__________________________________________
The sound of the moving metropolis echoes around JC. The screaming vendors beside him, the stray dogs that bark at random children, the hollering kids that begs their parents for a balloon—it was all España for JC. JC just got out of studying in UST with his last class ending at 7PM, now he needs to get back in his dorm but first—he wanted to appreciate the graffiti on the walls.
Why must love feel like war?
That was the 6 words that made an impact on JC, along with the other graffiti made by L.L. As the world moved around him, all JC could do was stand and breathe a sigh of relief. Then, he heard footsteps coming from his left. The footsteps weren't creeping up on him, it stopped beside him. He looked at his left and saw a guy from Ateneo staring back at him.
Ashton holds his tote bag tight on his shoulders. He fixes up his glasses on his face and breathes—however, he notices a guy staring at him from his peripheral vision. He looked, hoping to catch him in the act but they both looked at each other's eyes at the same time, flicking their heads in each other's direction.
Ashton blushed, hiding his embarrassment from him. JC did the same. He coughed, composing himself as he looked back at the graffiti. They both stared at the same piece of work, no words exchanged between them. Ashton couldn't handle the suspense, it felt awkward for him. His mouth opened, only saying a few words nonchalantly.
“You like Limmy, too?”
“Hmm?” JC asked, dumbfounded. “Si Limmy? Siya ang artist nito, look—” Ash pointed at the spray-painted L.L on the side of the graffiti. “Love, Limmy,” he says, pointing it out. JC nodded, smiling at the thought.
“I'm Ash, by the way,” Ash held out his hand at JC with a sweet smile. JC was hesitant, his heart was beating out of his chest and his body tensed. But he couldn't resist the temptation.
“I'm JC”
__________________________________
JC woke up with a headache from last night. Emilio was purring right beside him but Ashton was nowhere to be seen. All that was left was an envelope on their bedside table from Ashton.
Kinuha ko na utang ni Kuya Enzo. Punta muna ako kela Priscilla.
JC sighed, opening the envelope to only see 300 pesos. It was short but it was still something to let him live by. He stood up, walking towards the kitchen and wishing that the landlord would not come around their house. He looked at the mirror, trying to force a smile and pretend that everything was okay. In the end, he only had the courage to sigh once more.
JC looked at the mountain of dishes on the table and the unclean sink. Maybe this was Ashton deserved today. This day, 2 years of love.
As night came, JC covered the table with a red cloth to mask the dirt that covered it. Moreso, he took out their good china out of the cabinet. JC chuckled at the thought. It was only two plates that only came out on special occasions like this, but it was enough to fill his heart with warmth.
As the clock strikes 7, he breathed. Emilio was purring right beside him with a piece of chicken bone on his mouth. JC caressed Emilio's head but Emilio didn't notice, biting down on his food. JC had prepared pochero, one of Ashton's favorite dishes and the first dish JC made when they started living together.
The pochero was well-crafted, JC thought. The pork was tender and the sauce was divine, however JC hadn't taken a taste out of it. He wanted Ashton to take the first bite and give his thoughts first. Where is Ashton anyway? JC thought. He should be home by now, it was already 7PM.
By 8PM, JC's stomach started to rumble, his eyes bulging out of his head and his tongue salivating from the food. JC began to eat, Ashton wouldn't mind that the ate first, right? JC sighed, but the thought that Ashton forgot about their anniversary was out of his mind. Maybe he's just late or maybe he's preparing a surprise for him, that's all.
When 9PM struck, JC was fed up. He took his plate to the sink and washed the dishes. He covered the pochero with a dish and looked at the mirror with intense eyes. He couldn't believe that Ashton forgot, but he couldn't also believe that he did this charade for so long.
JC opened his phone before washing the dishes. No messages. No missed calls. Only a notification from his GCash account: balance low. Please pay your remaining loans.
He took a deep breath, opened the water of the sink and washed the dishes himself. He heard the doors open, alongside with the slight pitter-patter of the rain on their roof. JC didn't look back to see who it was, knowing that it was only Ashton that came through those doors.
Ashton was tipsy, not too drunk that he didn't know what was going on but too tipsy to recognize that JC was more silent than before. Ashton approached JC in the sink, hugging him from behind. “Miss you,” he said, kissing JC's neck. JC could smell the alcohol from his breath, he couldn't take it anymore.
“Nakalimutan mo na ba ang araw na 'to?” JC said, pushing Ashton away from him. Ashton looked at the neatly arranged table and Emilio purred at the side. “Sorry, anniversary pala natin. Sa susunod babawi ako,” he said, but JC continued to push him away. Ashton was dumbfounded, only looking at JC with disdain.
“Ano ba? Bakit ba galit na galit ka? Nagkamali lang ako ng isang beses, ano?” JC didn't respond, continuously washing the wine-stained glass and putting it on the rack to dry. “Ja, harapin mo ko!” Ashton tried to pull JC's shoulder but JC didn't budge, only focusing on the dishes in front of him.
“Ano? Pagod ka na ba, Ja? Ano? Sabihin mo sa akin! Murahin mo nalang ako, Ja! Ano?!” Ashton said which made JC clench his fist. He turned towards Ashton and slapped his face with full force. “OO! Pagod na pagod na pagod na ako, Ash,” JC said, facing Ashton intently.
“Anong gusto mong isipin ko, Ashton? Nung nagkita kayo ni Priscilla, ha?!” JC pointed at Ashton, as if accusing him. Ashton moved back, holding his hands up. “Anong iniisip mo? Na nangangaliwa ako?” asked Ashton. JC couldn't respond.
“Anong gusto mong isipin ko, ha? Na nagkuwentuhan lang kayo? Nag-inuman? Nagkamustahan?” asked JC. JC's mouth starts to quiver in frustration, his hands trembled and his feet start to weaken.
“Kung nagawa mo noon, MAGAGAWA MO ULIT NGAYON!”
JC moved away from Ashton towards the couch. JC's eyes start to water, his hands clasping against his chest as Ashton moves towards his direction, his cheek still red from JC's slap. The thunder roared behind them, the flashes of light came from their window and shone upon them. “Pagod na ko sa lecheng buhay na ganito,” JC only muttered to Ash.
“JC...” Ashton could only mutter. JC looked up at him, his tears ran on his cheeks and dripped on the floor, mirroring the droplets of rain from the roof.
“Pagod na kong sabihin sa mama ko na okay lang ako. Pagod na kong umasa na may magagawa ka pa. Pagod na pagod na ko,” JC asked, standing up as Emilio cowered beneath the couch. Both Ash and JC didn't notice, only focusing on the argument in front of them.
“Ilang taon akong nagkandakuba para lang maitaguyod ang bahay na 'to. Ilang taon akong nagmakaawa, nagsakripisyo, umiiyak na walang nakakaalam,” JC explained more. He wiped his tears off, hollering and catching his breath and Ash only stood there, looking at JC.
“Tinatanong ko nalang sarili ko, paano mo ko nakakayang makita na nahihirapan?”
JC noticed that Ash didn't reply. JC took it as a sign. He rushed out of the door and into the rain. “Aalis nalang ako!” he shouted. Ash quickly followed him, grabbing an umbrella from the table. “Ja!” he shouted as he saw JC ran towards the side of the road, the rain covering his sobs as he knelt down.
“Ja, Teka lang!” shouted Ashton. “Balik na tayo sa bahay, malamig dito. Ja!” he shouted back but JC could not bother anymore. He walked on the side of the road, careless with the random cars passing by as his top began to get wet. Ashton covered JC's head with an umbrella but JC pushed it away. “Lecheng yan!”
“Alam mo talaga paano ako kunin eh. Simpleng acts of service lang, ayan, babalik ulit puso ko sayo,” JC said, wiping the rain and tears from his eyes. “Pagod ka na ba talaga?” Ashton said, hugging JC and JC didn't fight him for it. “Hindi ko kaya na mawala ka, Ja,” Ashton begged which made JC break.
“Putangina! Yan yung mahirap sayo. Ikaw, ikaw, PURO NALANG IKAW!” JC cried, covering his face as the rain kept pouring down on him. The thunder began to crack, which made JC wince. “Wala na kong panahon para tingnan kung kaya ko pa ba, kung kaya ba ng buhay ko,” JC pushed Ashton away, pointing back at him. “Kasi puro nalang IKAW!” he shouted, moving away.
“Si Axl, nasa New York na, nagbubusiness ad. Si Alex, nag Intarmed sa UPM, magdodoctor na siya in four years...tas ako?” JC asked, standing still as his heart started to break.
“Anong mukha ang ipapakita ko sa nanay ko, Ash?”
“Pagod ka na ba?” Ashton asked. JC nodded, covering his face. “Sinasayang ko lang buhay ko sa relasyon na 'to. Pero kahit amuning lang ng oras mo, hindi mo pa kayang ibigay sakin,” JC forced a smile, as Ashton held his hand. JC started to cry, and no one said a word.
Why must love feel like survival? Feel like...war?