Work Text:
----------
“I love you, Buck.”
These words sound strange to his years, specially because they’re not followed by a man or a buddy.
Buck remains in silence, suspiciously. Not everyday he has Eddie willing to talk to him, without jokes or fights in between them. Buck remembers the last talk. He might be still numb by the recent events, but he has every word on his mind.
Eddie suits himself in the kitchen stool, expectant. The same kitchen that saw him pin his friend to the corner, wiling to do God knows what. He wasn’t himself that day
“Did you hear me, I--”
“I heard you.” Buck says, frowning. “That was not what I thought you were gonna say.”
“What?” Eddie snorts. “Can’t I tell my best friend I love him?”
“You know what I meant.” Buck says, sighing. Eddie looks confused. “There’s… s-something bothering me from a long time, now, Eddie. But… I-I’m not sure how you’re gonna take it.
“Shoot, man.”
“It’s not the first time you tell me I make everything about me.” Eddie opens his mouth, but Buck continues. “You’ve been telling me the same since we met. Since I was in my Buck 1.0 era.”
“You’re seriously bringing that to the conversation?”
“Or course I am.” Buck exclaims, raising his voice a bit. “Every time you tell me that, it reminds me of those times. A-and I’m not denying who I was, not at all, it’s just that… I’ve been through so much, I’ve worked so hard to be a better person, to make better choices, to look out more to the people I love… That you saying that is like it was all in vain.”
Eddie stares at him, arms crossed. He’s not sure what to say. He never saw it that way.
“A-and again, makes me feel like I’m not good enough.”
“Ok, man, that was not what I--”
“But you did. And I don’t know if it’s the grief talking for me, but it’s time you know it. You denigrate me, Eddie. All the time.”
“What? I don’t-- you’re my friend, Buck, how--”
“Are you? I used to think we were brothers, but now I’m not even sure if what we are”
“Buck, hey, Buck, look at me.” Eddie tries to conect their eyes, but Buck avoids them. “Buck, you are my brother. My best friend. Don’t you ever doubt that. Why are you saying those things?”
Buck looks up, containing the tears.
“You can’t just… T-tell me I didn’t do everything I could with Bobby, and pretend it was nothing.”
Eddie sooths his eyes. Oh.
“Well, does it help if I say that… didn’t come out as I expected?”
Buck smiles, unbelieving those words.
“You still don’t get it, right?”
“Apparently I don’t.” Eddie says. “Tell me Buck, because, once again, it seems like you are the only allowed to grief and to be sad, and the rest of us, we just have to pat your back and confort you.” Eddie laughs with sarcasm. “Please, enlight me on what do I have to say, how do I have to behave. On how is the correct way of process our Captain’s death.”
“He was family to me.” Buck murmurs. “He was so much more than my Captain.”
“I know that, Buck. We all knew. And for me, too. But this hit us different for every one of us. You don’t get to tell us how we should grieve him.”
“I’m not… Ok, you know what? Forget it.” Buck turns his back on Eddie, taking a deep frustrated breath, as he stands up from the stool and closes the gap between them. Buck shivers a little, remembering last time they shared that same space.
“I already said I was a dick about it! What else do you want me to say, man?” Eddie opens his arms, tired.
“I’m sorry would work just fine.” He says, turning again to him. “Just a simple apologize would have been enough.” Eddie’s big eyes observe him, in silence. “But I’m learning with the years that you’re not used to do that. At least not to me.”
“What? I do apologize.” He smirks. “I do it all the time. Don’t know why you make such a deal ouf of that.”
“Because it matters to me. Because the other night you almost punch me in the face, and you didn’t even dare to say you were sorry. You just… left with a shitty note, making me believe you were gone, only to come back to mock me, saying I misunderstood the message.” Buck is breathing fast, vomiting the words out of his chest. “And then you brought Chris, knowing how much he means to me, hoping I would forget everything. A-and I’m not gonna lie, I was super happy to see him, but I couldn’t help to think if he was nothing but a low-blow compensation for what happened.”
“Don’t you dare saying my son is a compensation, Buck.”Eddie murmurs, pressing his teeth, while he points at Buck’s chest. After a moment he realizes he’s repeating the same scene of the other day.
“I know, I’m sorry.” Buck almost whispers. “But I swear that’s how I felt it. Because that’s what you do, Eddie. I love you, but you do something wrong and don’t apologize, you just… cover that with something else, for everybody to move on.”
“I didn’t know you had such a concept of me, buddy.” Eddie says. “We surely have a total different version of our relationship.”
“Seems like we do. I knew that when you moved to El Paso, Eddie. Suddleny, I got a lot of time in my hands. And it was because I wasn’t spending half of my nights taking care of Chris when you needed me.”
“You sure it wasn’t because Tommy dumped you and disappeared?” Buck is hurt. His heart is compressed in aching beats. “Oh, ok. Shouldn’t have said that.”
“Yeah, you shouldn’t.” Buck swallows a painful lump in his throat. “I can’t ask you to leave this house, because Chris and your aunt are here, but… That’s something I’d really want you to do, now.”
“Buddy, c’mon.” Eddie whines. “I’m… I’m sorry, alright? Is that it? Is that what you wanted to hear? I’m sorry. I’m sorry we’re going through this fucking moment, and I’m sorry Bobby died, and I’m sorry that things will never be the same for all of us… I’m sorry Tommy left you, and I’m sorry you felt I used Chris or our friendship to take advantage of you, I-I could never—I’m sorry I’m behaving like the worst friend ever…” Buck doesn’t speak. Eddie is gasping, recovering his breath. “I’m so sorry…” He repeats, whispering.
“I know…” Buck says, nodding slowly. “I know you’re sorry… I’m just not sure if I’m ready to forgive you, yet.”
“Yeah, I understand.” Eddie sighs. “I’ll call Aunt Pepa and tell her don’t come here tonight, maybe we can--”
“You don’t call anyone.” Buck interrupts him. “I’m the one leaving today. I need a moment away from all of this.”
Buck rounds the kitchen isle, directing his steps to the living. Thick air can be cut with a knife on his way out, while Eddie csn only follows him with his eyes.
“You can stay. I’m just gonna clear my mind a bit.”
“Buck.” Edde exclaims. “I’m sorry. I really am.”
“You keep saying it, maybe you’ll get to cover all the times you owed me one.”
----------
The door opens.
“Oh, my. What are--” Tommy observes the tired red eyes staring back at him. He lets the air blow from his body. He moves aside, making space for Buck to come in. “Take a seat, Evan. Let me apologize for the mess, I was… not expecting….”
“I can go, if you--”
“Never. Let me get you a glass of water. Or do you prefer something stronger?”
“Water is good.” Buck smiles, taking seat.
Tommy comes back with a glass, handing it towards him. Takes a seat across Buck, fidgeting with his hands on the fabric of his jeans.
“So, wanna tell me what happened?”
----------