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The humid/wet weather that has been discomforting him lately, was telling him that July was about to begin. He stared at the crumpled calendar pin on the fridge and his eyes stopped by the date circled with red.
His birthday was coming.
“Josh, are you okay?”
When his eyes were removed from the calendar, they found their way to Seokmin’s. He felt his warm hands caressing him with tenderness and closed his eyes, enjoying the touch.
“I’m alright. Just a little bit tired.”
Seokmin smiled and somehow everything was a little bit better.
“I can fix that. Let 's go to bed.”
Joshua allowed Seokmin to carry him in his arms until the room, where they cuddled up all afternoon of that summer.
However, neither the kisses, nor his boyfriend’s warmness helped to make him forget that his birthday was closer and within it, that strange feeling of yearning and hating him.
—-------
“Alone again?”
The whisky burned down his throat when the bartender approached him. Joshua hated to be pitied, but he still accepted Minghao’s sympathy just because he was Seokmin’s friend.
“Seungkwan needed him.”
Minghao twitched his mouth and shook his head disappointed while cleaning a glass skillfully.
“I really love Seokmin as a brother, but he is an idiot sometimes. You shouldn’t agree with everything he does if it hurts you.”
Joshua nodded without saying anything. He didn’t know how to feel. Seokmin’s actions and priorities upset him almost all the time, but he coped with it because he loved him.
Seokmin would run every time Seungkwan had a problem, but Joshua didn’t care anymore. Seungkwan was Seokmin’s best friend but also used to be his boyfriend and so the priority order was clear enough. But still, Joshua wished to be more important.
Therefore, while crying his eyes out, he came to his mind. It has been two years since he last saw him, but he could still remember how his eyes used to soften whenever Joshua cried. The way he ran to his rescue every time Joshua needed him. How he used to hold Joshua in his embrace until his moral was rebuilt.
Joshua missed him and Seokmin’s absence was making him weaker.
—---------
“Forgive me. Seungkwan’s mother collapsed and he needed me.”
And there they go again.
Joshua stared at Seokmin while kneeling down, begging for his forgiveness two days after vanishing.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, Lee Seokmin. Your priorities were always clear and yet I accepted to be your boyfriend because I thought it was worth trying. You can keep doing whatever you want because I don’t care about being hurt again.” Joshua said emotionless. After days waiting for him, the anger and disappointment were nowhere to be found and the only thing left was the raw and bitter resignation.
Seokmin stood up furiously and said something Joshua was unable to deny: “Don’t believe yourself a victim. We both know very well why you are dealing so great with my indifference. You still love him, don’t you? You are yearning for that criminal!”
Joshua accepted every word in silence. He still misses his ex boyfriend. That was not a lie, but there was something that Seokmin didn’t understand yet.
“I do miss him, you got me there. He has been part of my life for a long time before I even met you. Of course I miss him, but I do not love him anymore. I decided to forget about him because I fell in love with you, Seokmin-ah. I don’t care if you keep running to Seungkwan every time he needs you. As long as you return to me at the end of the day. I love you, Minnie, do you?”
The nickname finally managed to tear down Seokmin’s pride, then he kissed Joshua passionately. “Tell me you love me one more time, please?”
The autumn night that enveloped him as he left the company gave him goosebumps, and he sighed uneasily. He was the last to leave work because of a project that had been delayed, and now he had to walk home.
He had called Seokmin, but he was busy with his family. Joshua had forgotten it was already October, and Chuseok was a must for his family.
He continued on his way, not noticing how desolate the street was. It was no use panicking. But his false calm was useless when a rough hand tried to grab him. He immediately started running while searching his pockets for his house key; it was just around the corner. He felt like he was about to make it, but it was too late when a tremendous force knocked him to the ground.
“Quit fighting! I’ll be quick”
The drunken man's voice slammed into his face as he felt him pull down his pants. Joshua struggled again and searched for the key he'd dropped on the cold, wet asphalt.
His blood ran cold when he felt the same rough, brusque hands rip his pants open as they forced them open.
While the man wasn't planning to kill him or rob him, he had darker intentions than that, so summoning as much courage as he could, he grabbed the knife on his keychain and plunged it into the man’s neck. Blood quickly began to cascade down Joshua's face. He threw the man off him and crawled away from him until he collapsed breathless a few feet away.
When he finally calmed down, he turned to look at the man, who had already choked on his own blood and was lying inert on the blood-covered asphalt.
Joshua came to schock again when he realized what had happened. He just killed a man. His immediate reaction was to call Seokmin.
“Everything’s okay?”
And although his voice brought him comfort, his words still cracked when he answered.
"Seokmin, I think I killed someone."
"What?" His boyfriend's voice cracked.
"Please come here. I don't know what to do. Help me."
"I'll come right away. Send me your location."
After twenty minutes, he saw Seokmin arrive, and although all he wanted to do was run into his arms and cry on his shoulder, he stopped dead in his tracks when he saw another figure beside him.
"What happened, Josh? Are you okay?" Seokmin held his face in concern, and Joshua could only nod without taking his gaze off Seungkwan, who was staring at the man's body with terrified eyes.
"He tried to hurt me, Minnie, and I..." He showed him his blood-covered hands.
"It's okay, my love. Nothing's going to happen. You did it in self-defense. That man deserved to die." Seokmin whispered against his ear as he wrapped his arms around him.
Seokmin was right. He shouldn't have been afraid; he'd only defended himself and had killed him by accident.
"I wouldn't say that. There aren't any cameras on this street that can prove what you're saying, nor do you have a bruise or anything that indicates you were a victim. The only irrefutable proof is that you killed him, and both the blood and the DNA are on you, as well as the murder weapon," Seungkwan said in a cold voice with a stern expression.
Joshua slowly pulled away from Seokmin and shook his head, staring at his boyfriend's friend in fear.
"No, he tried to hurt me. I was just defending myself. I didn't kill him on purpose." Joshua looked back at his boyfriend, looking for the same concerned and understanding look he'd seen a moment ago, but now Seokmin had a doubtful expression.
"Do you think the police won't believe him? What should we do, Seungkwan?"
"I don't think we should be here in the first place. If any of this taints your record, you'll never be able to join the police force. I'm sorry, Joshua, but do you know what passing that exam means to Seokmin? It's always been his dream since child."
Of course, Joshua didn't know. Seokmin had never told him that little detail about his ambitions. Joshua clenched his jaw as he watched Seokmin's compassion and empathy disappear with every doubt Seungkwan planted in his head.
He found himself unable to say anything; no matter what he said, Seungkwan would always have priority in Seokmin's mind and heart.
"You're right. It's better if you two leave," he said, sounding as if he weren't terrified.
Seokmin found himself torn apart. Joshua could sense the fragmentation of his boyfriend. On one side was the man he'd fallen in love with. Sweet, understanding, empathetic, and loyal. The same man who understood all his fears, his mistakes, and his traumas. On the other side was the man he sometimes didn't recognize. Cowardly, condescending, selfish, and dishonest. The same man who now stood before him with a guilty expression.
"I'm sorry, Joshua." Call me when everything is resolved.
And just like that, he was left alone again in the darkness, accompanied by the lifeless body of his alleged attacker.
While Seungkwan was far from pleasant, he was right that Korean laws were complicated and often harsh for victims without sufficient evidence. The man had tried to hurt him, but since the act didn't go through, there was no tangible, visible evidence on his body that anything had happened. And on top of everything, he was a man, a percentage less than his credibility.
The cold sweat that covered his neck made his skin crawl. He didn't know what to do; he couldn't talk to the police, and he couldn't count on the only person he had.
His fingers became shaky as he dialed the number he knew by heart.
Twenty minutes later, he saw a black armored truck park quickly and abruptly in front of him. Soon, he saw the man get out of the back seat and approach him.
It hadn't been more than two years since he'd last seen him, but the nature of his profession seemed to be taking its toll on the youthful appearance of the Wonwoo Joshua still fondly remembered. The old scars were already being replaced by new ones, while his distinctively long hair was now short and unkempt, a look Joshua had never imagined he'd ever see on him.
"I didn't think you'd actually come," Joshua confessed, looking away.
"Then you don't know me at all." Wonwoo examined Joshua again, who seemed unwilling to look at his face, as well as the rest of the area where he soon visualized a lifeless body in a pool of blood. He pressed his lips together, feeling his blood boil. "Did that bastard hurt you?"
"He's the one who's dead, and you're asking if he hurt me," he replied with a laugh lacking in amusement.
Wonwoo's patience reached its limit when Joshua continued to avoid eye contact. As gently as his anxious body allowed, he lifted Joshua's chin and soon met those tear-filled eyes he hated to see.
"It's you I care about, not him. Did he hurt you?" he insisted.
"He tried, but I..." His tormented eyes fell on the dead man and returned to Wonwoo. "He wanted..." Finally, the tears he was trying to hold back fell with every second Wonwoo felt helpless.
Wonwoo didn't ask any more questions. He just held him tight, as if he could protect him from everything that had just happened.
"You're safe now. I'm with you," he whispered into Joshua's hair.
Joshua clung to his shirt as if it were the only thing keeping him connected to the world. An hour ago, when everything had just happened, adrenaline had been keeping him going, but now with Wonwoo by his side, he could feel his muscles relax and his mind at ease. Everything would be okay, he knew.
______
Joshua woke up hours later, wrapped in the darkness and comforting silence of his room. He was in his bed, covered up to his neck in his favorite blanket, and he couldn't help but purr at how soft it was.
"I forgot how much I missed that sound."
Despite the events of that night, he didn't feel frightened or distressed when Wonwoo suddenly spoke from the shadows.
"Where are you?"
"Where I should be. Away from you."
"Come here."
"I can't."
"Please."
Joshua would be lying if he said he wasn't satisfied with the power his simple tone of voice still held over Wonwoo's actions. The mattress dipped slightly as the other lay down beside him.
"Happy?" he asked, even in that stoic tone, still sounding affectionate.
"No. Hug me."
"I'd rather cut off my finger."
Joshua chuckled, and Wonwoo joined him after a few seconds. Oh, how he missed those moments when just the two of them were enough.
"Did you put me to bed?"
"Mmh. I cleaned you up, changed you, and tucked you in."
"Did you happen to cook something? I'm hungry," Joshua said with a cheeky tone and an amused smirk.
Wonwoo groaned.
"Would you stop being so spoiled?"
"I will when you hug me."
"Don't ask me for that."
The vulnerability in Wonwoo's voice unsettled him and erased his smile.
"Why not?" Joshua asked, sitting up so they were face to face.
Wonwoo was silent for a few seconds. Long enough for his hand to move closer to Joshua's face. Only when he was sure he wouldn't be rejected did he let his fingers take on a life of their own and begin tracing the contours of that familiar face. Every crevice and mole was still there, ready to be kissed. His fingers traveled to his lips, remembering how they felt against his: soft and indulgent. Then they moved to his eyes, enjoying the texture of his thick, long eyelashes.
He remembered every glance that had captivated him since they were children, until their paths diverged into two different worlds.
He remembered the pain when Joshua had asked for time, when they were both collapsing under the weight of what they could no longer bear. He remembered the jealousy at watching him build a life with another man, the envy mixed with the reassurance that at least someone else could make him happy in a way he no longer could.
He had endured all of that for Joshua's sake, so that he could finally be at peace. But that night was enough for him to know that if he allowed himself to touch him again, he couldn't walk away once more. Not when he knew what a cowardly and pathetic man Joshua had tried to replace him with was. Not when he had seen him in danger. Not when he could feel how much he missed him too.
"Because I won't be able to walk away again," he whispered. "If you ask me to distance myself, I'll give it to you. But if you ask me to shorten it now, know that there will be no turning back. You'll have me back... forever."
It was Joshua's turn to sink into silence, his thoughts.
He could understand the dilemma Wonwoo was trapped in, because it was similar to his own. He had been the one who asked for time, yes. But that didn't mean he had suffered any less. He couldn't stand watching Wonwoo go to all-out for his safety, watching him break down every time something put him in danger. Wonwoo was a gangster, and Joshua thought he could handle that, until he realized that his very existence made him his greatest weakness. And that... he couldn't allow that. He had tried to build a life with someone else to stop getting in the way of the man he loved. But his body, his soul... they kept yearning for him.
"It's okay... because that's what I want. I want you back forever, Wonwoo."
The distance between them disappeared, and Joshua soon found himself sitting on the other's lap as their mouths met in a longing kiss. Wonwoo's hands took on a life of their own, caressing everything within reach. The warmth of that skin beneath his touch was unreal, so longed for. It no longer mattered how long he'd held back. The choices of his past no longer mattered.
Joshua was his again.
And tonight, he was going to make that clear.
"I missed you so much, my love. I love you."