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It was always in the quiet. Not even the chaos, the screaming, nor the bloodshed. That’s where Nat’s walls cracked.
And Lottie. Lottie always knew where to look; she knew how to find Nat in that quiet. Maybe it was instinct, or maybe – just maybe, she simply knew Nat better than Nat dared to admit.
“Nat.” Lottie called out, softly. Her name, in Lottie’s mouth, sounded like something that shouldn’t be there; something entirely different – like love; tenderness; affection.
And Nat hated it, or did she really? Hate Lottie? Hate the way she says her name? Hate the way Lottie calls her like she’s someone valuable? Someone deserving of love?
Or maybe… she hated how much she needed it; needed her; needed Lottie.
She didn’t turn around. She fixed her gaze at the trees that extended past the compound walls. Those fucking trees, after all these years, still watching them.
“You always hide here.” Lottie whispered softly behind her.
Nat nibbled on her cheek, “Maybe I’m hiding from you.”
Lottie didn’t laugh, and that’s what scared Nat the most. Tonight, Lottie didn’t act the part; didn't put out a performance – she sounded worn out; sincere.
“What are we doing, Nat?” Lottie whispered, barely loud enough that Nat almost didn’t hear her.
That question again.
Paikot-ikot lang mula no’ng mailang… (Going around in circles, since that awkward moment…)
For years, they’ve been doing the same thing; this same scene.
A glance; a touch; then silence.
Nat let out a bitter breath, “We’re doing what we always do.”
“And what is that?”
Nat finally turned, and faced Lottie. “Hurting each other. Pretending like we’re not,” Nat said bluntly.
Lottie looked at her like she was made of glass, like if she breathed too hard, Nat would shatter – it made Nat furious. Nat didn’t want to be seen like that – fragile; breakable; brittle.
But Nat was, and it was because of her – Lottie.
“You act like you know everything,” Nat snapped, “Like you can see inside of me, but you don’t, Lottie!”
Lottie took a step forward, going into Nat's space, “You don’t think I feel it too?” Lottie whispered, “You think this doesn’t drive me insane?”
Lottie was close now. Too close.
“It’s not about that feeling,” Nat said, voice breaking, “It’s about doing something about it.”
Lottie’s lips parted, and Nat could see the exact moment she wanted to say the words “I love you” – but she didn’t.
She never did.
And they stood there, as the same old cycle tightened its hold on them, as they stood there breathing the same air.
Paulit-ulit na lang sinasabi… (Always saying the same things…)
Pero ‘di ko naman pinaninindigan… (But I never really have the courage to follow through…)
Nat stepped back.
And Lottie. Lottie let her.
And that hurt more than anything that she was willing to admit.
--
That night, Nat couldn’t sleep.
Ikaw lang at ikaw ang sinisigaw (Only you, it’s you my heartless heart is calling)
Ng puso kong 'di mapakali… (Of my heart that can’t be still…)
And she realised, that she was tired – tired of running; tired of pretending; tired of going through the fucking cycle over and over again – of almost; of pretending; of standing at the edge, but never letting herself fall completely.
So she did something she never did before – she got up, and went to Lottie.
Lottie’s room smelt like lavender, and smoke. The candles, burning down to soft puddles of wax, like she could keep the darkness at bay if she tried hard enough; pretending that the world outside couldn’t hurt her.
Nat pushed the door open. Her heart was pounding fast, and hard, that it made her feel sick.
Lottie sat up instantly, “Nat?” Her voice cracked, as if she had been waiting for this for so long, and Nat didn’t give her time to play it safe. Not again; not this time.
“I’m done,” Nat said with her voice low; rough, “I’m done pretending. Done lying. Done running away from this, pretending that we don’t want the same fucking thing.”
Lottie’s eyes widened, like she couldn’t believe that Nat was actually standing in her room, finally saying it.
There was silence – a long, uncomfortable silence, that you could break through with a knife.
“I love you,” Lottie finally whispered, scared, but steady.
Nat laughed, but it was ugly; and broken. It sounded like a sob.
“You finally said it,” Nat whispered back.
Lottie swallowed, “Are you gonna run now?” Lottie expected it – that’s what they always do; always did, but this time, it was different.
Nat shook her head.
She moved towards Lottie, grabbed her face with shaking hands, and this time, she didn’t ask for permission – she kissed her.
It wasn’t soft; sweet. It was messy, angry, and desperate – everything that they’ve been burying alive for years.
Nat kissed her like she hated her; needed her; like she couldn’t breathe without Lottie anymore.
And Lottie kissed her back like she’d been craving for it.
When they pulled apart, their foreheads remained pressed together, their breaths blending; tears, streaming down their cheeks they refused to wipe away. They didn’t want to ruin the moment.
“I love you, too,” Nat whispered, like an apology; a confession; a prayer.
And in that small room, surrounded by candlelight, and these old, deep scars, they weren’t spinning anymore; weren’t running away.
They were finally still.
Together.
Habang buhay ay pipiliin ko ikaw… (For a lifetime, I would always choose you…)