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sometimes byulyi thinks good days are like stars.
tiny, out of reach, and painfully beautiful. she makes wishes on the best days, like the day her mother brings home a tawny cat for her tenth birthday. it’s small enough to fit in her cupped hands, and she’s so happy she wishes for everything to stay the same. when she looks back on it, she thinks she ought to have known better, because good days are like stars and wishes made on stars don’t ever come true. the little cat named nabi dies when he’s only three years old. it’s the same week her mother leaves. at the time byulyi thought they were connected, that there was some evil outside force snatching away the things she loved. now she thinks that the evil outside force is just life.
she makes a wish the first day she meets yongsun, too.
yongsun is like no one she’s ever met before. she’s full of life in a way that makes byulyi jealous; she’s like the sun, and byulyi orbits around her helplessly, hoping to catch the leftover light. byulyi wants to shine like yongsun does, wants to catch gazes as she walks past. it’s not until much later that byulyi realizes all she really wants is to catch yongsun’s gaze. that’s around the time she starts to understand that the fluttery feeling she gets when yongsun laughs, the giggly breathless one that shows off her dimples, is something much different than envy.
by the time she figures it out, they’ve been friends for three years. it’s a rough three years, full of ups and downs. byulyi always seems to get left behind by everyone that matters until she starts to think there must be something wrong with her. she dates a girl with an infectious personality; the relationship crashes and burns and byulyi forgets what it’s like to believe in love. all she knows is she believes in yongsun and the way her smile makes byulyi feel as if she can do anything. as if there’s nothing wrong with her at all.
every day with yongsun is a good day. byulyi makes a lot of wishes when they’re together.
but yongsun shines so brilliantly she’s blinding and byulyi is nothing more than a broken shadow on the edges of yongsun’s vision. the best she can do is bask in the glow, hold onto the hope that yongsun offers of a future that isn’t full of heartache. it hurts, sometimes so bad she spends nights curled on the cold floor in the corner of her room as sobs wrack her body, but byulyi thinks she might be satisfied just with being near yongsun for the rest of her life, even if she can’t have her.
they’ve been friends for four years when yongsun finds a girlfriend.
wheein is so funny and kind and welcoming that byulyi can’t find it in herself to hate her, no matter how she tries. watching them together, sharing loaded glances and sweet kisses, makes byulyi’s stomach roll with want. so she drifts away to the sidelines, makes herself invisible. shrinks into a speck of dust in yongsun’s life. it’s inevitable, perhaps, written in the stars that byulyi will always end up alone. byulyi’s mother left her for a man she loved and yongsun is leaving her for wheein. it’s nothing new.
but they’ve been friends for too long for that to last. when they break up yongsun comes crying to byulyi, and byulyi wants to distance herself but when she sees yongsun’s pretty face scrunched with sorrow, she can’t help herself. so she puts on yongsun’s favorite cheesy movie and buys her a bag of candy and curls up next to her under a knitted blanket. she listens to yongsun talk about wheein all night.
“she doesn’t know what she’s missing out on,” byulyi says, almost vehemently. “if you were mine i’d never let you go.”
yongsun blinks through teary eyelashes, half-eaten chocolate bar sticking out of her mouth, and suddenly byulyi is terrified that she’s been too transparent. that she’s ruined everything. but then yongsun sniffs and hits her shoulder and the moment is over, just like that.
they’ve been friends for six years when byulyi breaks.
they’re out for ice cream like they are every Friday afternoon in the springtime, at the stall by the park run by an old lady who gives them a discount if they act extra cute. byulyi is teasing yongsun for always getting a plain old vanilla cone with sprinkles and yongsun is getting defensive in that giggly leave me alone kind of way.
“vanilla is classic,” she insists. she takes too big of a bite and leaves a blob of cream streaked across her lip.
byulyi grins wickedly, dips her finger in the side of yongsun’s cone to catch droplets of melting ice cream, and wipes her finger on yongsun’s nose.
“hey!” yongsun is laughing too hard to retaliate, her teeth bright and her nose scrunched and her eyes sparkling. soft locks of hair bounce as she laughs. byulyi has always loved the way yongsun shows joy with her whole body, from the curve of her brow to the tips of her toes.
suddenly byulyi is painfully aware of how very many days there are ahead of her, and how very much she wants yongsun’s laughing, ice-cream covered face to be a part of each one. how she’s got a chance, right now, to make every day worth wishing on.
so she leans across the table and kisses her.
it’s a soft one, chaste and quick, barely enough to feel the softness of yongsun’s lips against her own. when she pulls away yongsun’s eyes are wide, all the mirth gone from her face. byulyi’s stomach clenches. it was stupid to hope. it was always stupid to hope.
but then a small, shy smile curves the end of yongsun’s mouth upwards. “you didn’t get it all.”
“huh?”
“the ice cream, i mean.” yongsun points to her own lips, where the slightly smeared blob of vanilla remains. “there’s some left.”
so byulyi smiles and kisses her again, for longer this time, long enough for her tongue to slip out and trace along yongsun’s upper lip, catching every last drop of ice cream. vanilla isn’t so bad, byulyi decides. in fact, it might be her favorite flavor of all.
good days are like stars, and byulyi makes wishes on the best ones. it takes her a long time to realize she’s been wishing for yongsun all along, since the very first day she saw her standing in the classroom doorway with a smile so bright it’s still imprinted onto the back of byulyi’s eyelids.
byulyi is used to getting left behind. but when yongsun whispers pretty promises into her ear, she believes them.