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It’s raining out today, I found this out as I started out without an umbrella. I’m thankful it’s only a light rain, it might bother me a little more, but it seems to fit my mood lately. I make my way into the dance studio and wipe off the rainwater with my newly embroidered Hope On The Street towel. I can’t help but to sigh when I look at it. I haven’t been feeling myself lately. My upbeat bubbly self seems to only appear outwardly now a days. I’m not too sure how well I am at hiding it really among the rest of Bangtan. Though they would surely say something if they thought something was wrong…right? I don’t really want to talk to them about it though. I feel maybe a little selfish in my self-consciousness. It seems lately our fans don’t seem to appreciate me as much as the others members…that makes me feel sad but also a bit selfish to be upset by that fact. I’m not sure what to make of it really. A majority of the fans only seem to want to watch me dance when I invite one of the other members with me. It just puts me off think my dancing doesn’t matter as much as I’d like it to. I’ve worked so hard practicing my dances. I know a lot of our fans love watching me dance…that’s why I feel like I’m being selfish. But I guess it’s just difficult knowing you aren’t as loved as someone else. I just want it to be us loved equally as BTS, but I feel the different popularity levels hitting me lately. I hate feeling like this. I know I shouldn’t. I walked all the way here, and instead of dancing I just lay here, eyes closed, lost in thought.
Finally I manage to sit up, and stretch my body out, feeling all the stiffness and knots that are probably because of stress more than anything. I go over to the stereo to press play, a remix of Long.Life.A$AP by A$AP Rocky starts to play, I close my eyes for a moment, as it starts to feel like I was pushed under a wave, I’m lost in the water, then I come up for air, I jump into step as the beat hits. I move to the sound, popping out all of the frustration built within me, feeling every note hit my body, sending vibrations of sounds throughout me. I flow with the waves of sound as they wash over me never wanting to stop, the weight seems to get heavier and lighter all at once as I move. I dance with a sway in motion to the music pushing and pulling me, lower, lower, higher, harder, back and fourth, then down under the wave I go again. As the music fades to a end, the wave lets me go, and doesn’t bring me with it, I’m left on my knees, panting for air, with beads of water dripping down me.
Stepping out of the shower, I dry myself off and get dressed. Walking out of the bathroom I hear Jiminie giggling with Kookie. I think my head is still swimming, it sounds a bit clouded as I look down the dark hallway, the only light emitted is from the half opened door of the room. I decide to just head to my room and bypass conversation for now. A dim light is on in our room, as I enter I see Taehyung lying on my bed playing his Gameboy. He sees me, and a bright smile crosses his face as he puts his game aside and sits up to look at me. Of course I can’t help but to smile back at his stupid smile, “Hey, what are you doing on my bed, silly?”
This time he stands up and rushes over to reach his arms around me and nuzzle into my neck, “I just missed you, hyung.” The weight of his words hit me harder than it should have, so I embraced him tightly, and with a sigh, I told him that I missed him too. He then broke the embrace and grabbed my hand, “Come on, let’s go, I want to show you something.” With nothing but trust, and lack of wanting to speak much, I just followed him obediently. He grabs his backpack, we put on our jackets, and head outside into the brisk air hand in hand, and he just looks at me and smiles every now and then, not saying much. Tae is the only one I can truly let my guard down with; I think he looks into my soul sometimes. As talkative and goofy as we usually are with each other, we can also just be content with not saying anything, and just enjoying each other’s presence, if the moment calls for it, which honestly isn’t often given our personalities. Sometimes though, he knows when I need that. I hear him say “this way,” as his tugs my hand toward a parking garage, and we climb the steps to the very top.
“Wooow,” I’m staring up at brightly shinning stars, there are so many of them. We are in an area that isn’t well lit so they shine so brightly. I look over at Taehyung, and he is just looking at me with the biggest smile. He then lets go of my hand to pull a blanket out of his backpack laying it down on the ground, and sits down patting the area next to him, so I sit as well. Eventually we lay back and just stare up at the stars in awe.
He eventually speaks up, “You see those stars. There are only certain times when we can truly see them, but they are always there, whether you notice it or not. Just like everyone who cares about you. It might not seem like we are all here for you. But we truly are, hyung. You have so many stars to look after you, I just don’t want you to forget that.” I am star struck, to say the least, how does he always know the right thing to say? I reach over to pull him in closer to my chest so that he can rest his head on my arm.
“Thank you.” I kiss his forehead, and watch him smile as he continues to stare at the stars, while I stare at the brightest star there is. “Taehyung, I love you.”