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Hyukjae is 16 when he first kisses a boy. Of course, said-boy is the short boy from the farm with a loud laugh. Donghae is a fix in Hyukjae’s life, they do everything together, they are the best of friends. Donghae is righteous, goes to church with his grandmother every Sunday. He helps at the farm after his tutoring classes, he started coaching at the small kids’ football club on Saturday mornings. Hyukjae is shy, a good student that is already thinking of scholarships and universities. He dances competitively at national level and plays football at regional level. His family sacrifices a lot for his success and disappointing them is not an option.
Their first kiss is stinky because 16-year-old Donghae does not believe in washing his teeth after snacks. They are sitting down on the floor in Hyukjae’s room, legs crossed and knees knocking into each other. The kiss is awkward, they keep their hands to themselves, the only part touching each other is their lips. It starts by small presses of lips, until Donghae, ever the greedy one, applies more pressure and stretches it out. When they break away, Donghae has gotten up on his knees between Hyukjae’s legs. He smiles dumbly, regaining his balance by putting his hands on Hyukjae’s thighs.
“I never understood why we said pillowy lips, your lips are much better than any pillow.”
Hyukjae snorts and grabs him by the collar of his t-shirt to kiss him again, head and heart pounding. They stay in Hyukjae’s room all day discovering each other in entirely new ways, until Donghae’s mother calls to have her son back for Chuseok.
Every year they meet on the same beach they used to go to as teens, on the first day of the holidays, at the same hour. Hyukjae is late, stuck in traffic, he fiddles with his phone debating whether to call Donghae or not. They do not really call each other. They see each other once a year, pretend for a while, before going back to a routine without one another. But Hyukjae’s routine has changed since he came back from the military. It is part of why he is late right now. He finally makes it past the city’s traffic to the coast and the beach. It has begun to rain lightly so Hyukjae hurries, and gets out of his car, hood on his head.
He recognises Donghae’s silhouette, standing with his feet in the water. Military and working at the farm have built Donghae up, he is no longer the short skinny boy he used to be. They are both nearing 30 years old now, and have known each other for more than half their lives.
“Lee Donghae!” Hyukjae shouts, hands above his eyes to protect them from raindrops. Donghae turns around, his dark hair curling around his face, his mouth stretched in a smile. He picks up the shoes he abandoned a few meters from the water and runs to Hyukjae. He stops a few steps before him.
“You’re late.” Donghae frowns.
“But I’m here.” Hyukjae grins. They walk to Hyukjae’s car and wait for the rain to stop.
They are quiet in the car and are keeping to themselves, both things unusual when they are together.
“How’s life?” Hyukjae has been hoping Donghae would not ask this question first. They do not lie to each other, they avoid and they elude topics but they never lie. Hyukjae knows Donghae is not asking about work or his loud neighbour.
“I’ve met someone.” Hyukjae lets out an exhale, looking at the sea and the dark clouds above it. Donghae does not say a word, so he keeps going. “He’s been helping me go through some hard times. We… I told him I wasn’t looking for something serious. But it’s nice. To have someone there.”
When Hyukjae finally looks Donghae’s way, there is a small smile on the man’s lips, a softness in his eyes. Like he understands why Hyukjae needs someone to care about him in the city. Like he does not mind sharing Hyukjae with the world.
The main reason Hyukjae does not like visiting Mokpo is that Donghae and the thought of them is everywhere here, he cannot escape them. In Donghae’s aunt’s restaurant, on the beach, driving past their old school, at the greengrocer where Donghae works when he is not helping his uncle at the farm or his aunt at the restaurant. Sometimes Hyukjae lets himself imagine not having to visit, being here all year long, going back home to a tiny cabin on Donghae’s family land. And a weight is lifted up his chest at the thought of being with Donghae. This feeling is better than any sunset on the Seoul skyline. So sometimes, Hyukjae revisits the choices he has made, but he is stopped right away by Donghae.
The rain finally stops and they step out of the car to enjoy the fresh air of the sea. They sit in the wet sand and stay silent for a while.
“Mokpo finally feels like home when you’re here.” Donghae whispers in the wind, eyes on the waves. “How’s Seoul?”
“Big, bright, scary. How’s here?”
“Small, dark, empty.”
A few hours later, they are lying in bed in Donghae’s cabin when Hyukjae’s phone rings and flashes a picture of a man. They both look at it in Hyukjae’s hand before he locks the screen, turning it off. Donghae smacks his lips and sits up on the edge of the bed.
“You can take that if you want, I’ll go and clean up.” He doesn’t wait for Hyukjae to answer and closes the bathroom door.
Hyukjae looks at the missed call on his lock screen but deletes the banner without calling back. He gets out of bed and puts back on his discarded clothes, looking around Donghae’s cabin. It is so far from the comfortable flat he rents in Seoul. Last year, the bathroom did not even have a door and he is almost sure Donghae still uses the toilets at his mother’s place to this day. Back in Seoul, Hyukjae is known as the most high-maintenance person of his friend group. If they knew he is hopelessly in love with someone who barely has a functional shower and owns a mattress that is older than himself, they would laugh him off.
Hyukjae pours himself a glass of water when a picture on the fridge catches his eyes; Donghae and Hyukjae posing on Donghae’s discharge day. 22-year-old Donghae was already bulky but less than these days, Hyukjae was as lithe as ever, disappearing under Donghae’s arm. It was their first time seeing each other in almost 2 years, Donghae had refused all visits from Hyukjae at the barracks and purposely had not reached out except a few letters. Reunion had been a bliss for them both, until Hyukjae went back to Seoul and Donghae went back for a 5-year tour and refused to buy a cellphone to keep in touch. They never actually broke up. Hyukjae left for Seoul and Donghae left for the army. And that was it. Donghae kept him at arms-length for a while until he could not anymore.
“We were cute back then.” Donghae says and laughs when Hyukjae gets startled. “You’re still jumpy.”
“We’re still cute and of course I’m jumpy when someone creeps up on me.” Hyukjae downs his water and takes a long look at Donghae standing there in a towel, smirking. “I have to go back to my parents’, but I’ll come back tomorrow. Do you read your texts?” Hyukjae gifted him a cellphone two birthdays back but Donghae usually leaves it at home and forgets to charge it.
“Hahaha funny, yes I’ll even answer if you send one.” Donghae rolls his eyes.
“Do you want to have lunch with us tomorrow?” Hyukjae says because he has no self-control and wants to spend every possible second in this forsaken town with Donghae at his side. “I’ll ask my mother to make your favourite.”
“I cannot refuse then.”
“Great.” Hyukjae kisses Donghae on the lips, quickly, breathing over his mouth. He breathes in Donghae’s scent fresh from the shower.
“Go.” Donghae smiles dumbly and pushes him away, hands on his chest.
Hyukjae steps back to the door; still facing Donghae. He opens the door on Donghae’s brother. “Welcome back Hyukjae!”
“Hey, I was just leaving.” Hyukjae answers tightly. Donghae’s brother was never a fan of their relationship. “See you tomorrow, Hae.”
“Always nice seeing you. Are you sticking around for more than a minute?”
“Hyung, stop.” Donghae is not smiling anymore.
Hyukjae turns around and gets into his car. He looks into the rearview mirror and Donghae still stands at the door in his towel, his brother arms-crossed next to him.
Hyukjae drives to his parents’ house where his mother waits for him with open arms. “Did you boys have fun?”
“Yeah, he’ll come for lunch tomorrow.” Hyukjae clings to his mother a little bit longer, still shaken from his interaction with Donghae’s brother.
“That’s nice. Did something happen, my son?” His mother pats his hair.
“No, it’s just nice to hug you again as long as I want.” His mother giggles and lets the hug linger a bit more.
The following day, after lunch, Hyukjae helps his father with the dishes while his mother fusses over Donghae.
“That boy still looks at you like he did when you were kids. He’d follow you anywhere.”
“Except Seoul.” Hyukjae sighs.
“Ever asked him that?” His father’s brows go up with his question. “Have you properly asked him to go with you?”
“His life is here, his family, the farm. He’d never leave them.” Hyukjae scrubs the dishes harder than necessary.
“So you never asked.” His dad puts a soapy hand on his shoulder. “I used to assume a lot of what your mother would dislike, and then one day I asked her and she surprised me.”
“It’s not about Donghae liking lilies or roses. It’s about him leaving everything he’s ever known, his home. I’m not asking this of him.”
“Sometimes home is not a place, it’s a person. Just think about it, son. Ask him, and let him decide for himself.”
People always told Hyukjae he was brave. Brave to leave home and go into the world. Brave to go to university. Brave to stay in Seoul even when everything called him back home. But Hyukjae is not brave enough to ask the man he loves to move in with him. He is not brave enough to hear no and pretend he’s okay. He is not brave enough to give up on Donghae forever, so he’ll take what he can get.
The holidays go by, Hyukjae wakes up in his teenage bed or in Donghae’s. He spends time with his mother, and tries to charge up on Donghae to last him until the next holiday. He’s at Donghae’s place for his last night, arms around the cabin owner, chin on his shoulder, rocking them to nonexisting music. The kitchen-slash-dining-room-slash-bedroom looks homey in the steam of diner being cooked. Donghae reads the recipe off Hyukjae’s phone when the screen goes black and lights up again with a familiar man’s face. Donghae tenses and makes space between them. “You should answer it.”
“No it’s alright.” Hyukjae picks up the phone to hang up.
“How many times has he called since you arrived?” Donghae is still facing the stove, standing still.
“I don’t know, I haven't been counting, why?”
“You told him about me? about us?” Donghae finally turns around and Hyukjae can see the panic in his eyes.
“Of course I did. Why are you acting this way?”
“I don’t understand why he’s calling then. If he knows about me and he knows you’re visiting.” If he did not know any better, Donghae would sound insecure.
“Is this your way to say you want us to be exclusive, then?” Hyukjae teases.
“That’s not what I said.” Donghae clams up, face closed.
“Of course not.” Hyukjae scoffs. The conversation turns sour and Hyukjae already feels like it’s out of his hands. Maybe they need to get this out of their systems.
“We only exist when you’re in town, Hyukjae.” The view of Donghae with an apron, fists on his waist should have been the funniest and cutest moment of this year, but he just looks murderous.
“That’s what you decided.” Hyukjae holds himself back from pointing his finger accusingly.
“You left.”
“You left first.” Hyukjae knows that was a low blow.
“That’s not fair.” Donghae’s voice breaks.
Hyukjae looks at the ceiling and the silence lingers between them. He hates fighting, especially with Donghae. Him leaving town has been out of line for years between, too many fights followed. Donghae chose the army right after high school and to come back to his family to help at the farm. Hyukjae chose Seoul, a university degree and sleeping in his teenage bed twice a year.
“Do you blame me for what’s become of us?” Donghae reaches his hand out, palm opened, between them.
Hyukjae looks at it and takes it, letting out a breath he did not know he was holding in. “I’d rather you let me have this than none of you at all.”
When they do fight, it always leaves deep wounds. They know each other too well, they know where to hurt the best. Their place in each other’s life is messy, they have kept the lines blurred for too long.
“I won’t ask you to stay, Hyukjae.”
“I never asked you to wait.” Hyukjae is still on edge.
“I know.” Donghae whispers against his lips before pressing them together.
His friends in Seoul would say he is holding on to the past, that he must let Donghae go. Problem is neither of them wants to let go. Problem is their first love happened to be epic and everything else feels pale in comparison. Problem is they fell in love with their best friend, the one person that knows and understands them more than any other. A few days together are still worth those hundred days apart.
Donghae comes to say goodbye, like he does every year.
“I’ll see you next year then.” Donghae looks at the ground, hands tucked in his washed-up jeans, flannel shirt barely buttoned up under his winter coat.
“Or maybe I’ll come down for Christmas.”
Donghae lifts his head and meets Hyukjae’s smiling eyes. Hyukjae wants to kiss away the sad smile stretching Donghae’s thin lips, and Donghae is still as good as reading him because he just takes his face in his hands and crashes their lips together. It ends too soon for Hyukjae’s taste, but he does not say, he is the one leaving after all.
“Don’t miss me too much.” Donghae whispers against his mouth, teasing as usual. Hyukjae snorts and steals an ultimate kiss before getting in his car.
Donghae stays on the side of the road until Hyukjae’s car turns the corner.