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'Falling in love’. What did that mean? Jeremiah had never felt like he had been in love and in all honesty, he didn’t know what ‘in love’ felt like. What was it supposed to feel like? Everyone around him spoke differently about it. Jeremiah would see people acting like they were in love, but was it all genuine? He didn’t know.
Was there only one way to be in love or a perfect way to love someone? He wasn’t so sure. The only thing he was sure about was how he felt around people. The ones he cared about in his life meant everything to him and he wanted them to know. He wanted to feel loved too. But what was that supposed to feel like? To be loved?
Kissing and being cozy was fun. For Jeremiah it was his way of getting the physical affection he so longed for and craved. He needed to feel the embrace of others, he needed to feel warmth around him. He wasn’t harming anyone by being affectionate. Sometimes though, Jeremiah felt as though the only person he was harming was himself.
Jeremiah had realized that his kissing and being cozy activities had earned him the label of being the ‘unserious party boy slut’, a label that he found himself questioning, because he really didn’t go to many parties at all and if he did, he would be with his brother or Steven during the summer months and more times than not, he was the DD. Alcohol wasn’t really his thing either – beer was alright, the odd vodka ice luge was fun, but really all Jeremiah ever wanted, was a ‘half cherry-half coke’ with plenty of ice (a Belly Conklin special and Jeremiah would always insist on Twizzlers for straws).
Jeremiah was the type of boy who used to hug his mother all the time, even though he was told by many he was technically too old for it, but he didn’t care. Every opportunity he got, he would be hugging Susannah and laughing with her about something he saw, or just teasing her about her latest painting. His mother’s paintings were his comfort now. Each time he looked at one, it felt like he could feel her presence and her glow.
‘I adore you sunshine boy’.
‘I love you too mom’
Jeremiah would often hear whispers of ‘my darling ‘sunshine boy’ while asleep or while sitting alone in silence. He ached to hear his mother’s voice again, just one more time
'My darling Jere bear’
His father never once called him anything but ‘Jeremiah’ or ‘Son’ or ‘Kid’. Sometimes Jeremiah wished that his father would address him with some fragment of affection, just so that he could imagine that it was his mother calling out for him.
His mothers tender embrace, before it became too physically too hard for her, was a bittersweet memory. The frailer Susannah became, the harder it was for her to do anything. Jeremiah would hold onto his mother each day, absorbing in every moment. He wanted to remember his mother’s affection and her soothing words forever.
Whenever he felt alone, he would close his eyes and recall his memories of her. Memories that belonged to him and no one else.
Conrad didn’t do hugs. It was always ‘Jere’ and a pat on the back and bro type handshakes. Or the constant request for him to ‘grow up’, which felt like it had no expiration date on Conrad’s part. His brother just wasn’t wired that way and Jeremiah never minded, because he knew deep down that although his brother did love him, he just couldn’t express it the way Jeremiah needed him to.
‘Everything just comes so easily to you’
Conrad’s love felt like it came from a sense of duty as he was the older brother. Like it was his job to protect Jeremiah. But truthfully, Jeremiah hadn’t felt protected. He felt dismissed, he felt unseen and was never taken seriously by Conrad.
Unlike Belly... Bells. Belly running and jumping into Jeremiah’s arms for spin hugs was like two butterflies fluttering in the sunshine. It was their thing and always had been. The room could be packed with people, but somehow, they would find themselves drawn to each other and embrace, spinning and laughing like no one else existed. Steven would poke fun and call them losers, but Jeremiah didn’t care. For Jeremiah, being held by Belly felt like being wrapped up in coconuts and sugar mixed with warm banana bread.
Summer was Jeremiah’s favorite season, but it only really started once Belly would arrive at the beach house. He would wait all day for her to arrive so that they could run into the ocean together. Summer would only start once he and Belly had run into the ocean together after walking down the seashell lined pathway. The pathway that had felt the weight of their footsteps for as long as they could both walk, with Jeremiah holding her hand and running down in a rush, as if the ocean would somehow wash away before they could soak in the sea salt into their souls.
‘I’ve waited all year for this’ Belly would say each time they stood looking out to the ocean. Each time she said that Jeremiah’s heart would swell with a fuzzy and warm feeling he felt right in his chest… in his heart. It was as if Belly had meant that she had waited all year to see him.
Jeremiah didn’t want to see Belly just for summer though, he had wanted to be with her for all seasons. He didn’t really know why, but he just did.
He had waited all year for his time at the beach house. Not because of the house though. It was who was in the house that made it special. All his favorite people under one roof, for the most part that is. Jeremiah often longed for his father to be at the beach house during summer more than he was. He never really asked his mother why Adam never spent more time with them. He wanted to, but after hearing his mother sing ‘the women and children, just the way we like it’ for most of his life, he concluded that this was the way it was supposed to be, even if it didn’t always feel right.
Jeremiah needed his father but at times it seemed as though his mother or Conrad didn’t, and despite this hurting his heart, he stayed quiet about it. It was true that his mother was the one who really ‘saw him’, but Jeremiah longed to spend time with his father, like he when much younger and before things had begun to feel complicated and suffocating within their family.
They would wrestle and throw a ball about, talking about things such as school and TV shows about cooking, fashion and travel that Jeremiah was watching. His father made some effort to take an interest in the things that Jeremiah was curious about.
His father would listen to him at times, but Jeremiah always understood that his father’s love for him was different to the way he loved Conrad. It wasn’t any lesser though, it was just different and there was nothing wrong with that. Sometimes Jeremiah needed to remind himself of this. His father was there for Jeremiah when it mattered. When Jeremiah felt like the loneliest person in the world, his father held him as he cried. For a while. Until he stopped holding him.
Adam never let tears drop from his eyes. He never did in front of his sons, not even at Susannah’s funeral. He mourned in private. Jeremiah cried enough tears for them both that day. Not any more. The tears that fall for his mother on days he misses her the most, are solely his own, with each tear representing a memory that only he holds. Jeremiah’s memories of his mother and his pain of losing her haunted him and provided comfort all at the same time.
His father had been there for Jeremiah, the best way he could be. It was true that his father wasn’t going to win any awards for his parenting style, but he was there when it mattered. Unlike Conrad. Jeremiah had tried so many times, but all Conrad did was push him away, it was exhausting.
‘What do you want, a medal?’
These words stung but Jeremiah didn’t hold these words against his brother; he knew he was hurting too. Despite this stinging wound, all Jeremiah wanted to do was pull his brother towards him and say, ‘I don’t need a medal. I want my brother to see I’m hurting too and tell me that I’m not alone’ but he didn’t. There was no point. Instead, he did the one thing that he had never dared do before. He finally spoke up, but he felt like an erupting volcano that had finally been given permission to blow up.
Months of hurt and despair pouring out like hot molten. Jeremiah’s mask slipping and revealing his anguish at the thought if his brother not being able to recognize his pain let alone his own.
They were both broken and there was no glue left to fix them back together again. A bond shattered in every way possible.
Tears fell from Jeremiah’s eyes at the end of his graduation ceremony, in the restroom of course. His father and Laurel showed up to his high school graduation. Conrad couldn’t make it due to being unwell, Steven hadn’t responded to his invite and Belly…he had no idea where Belly was. Jeremiah didn’t know why Belly didn’t turn up and he never thought to ask Laurel, because asking why didn’t change the fact that she wasn’t there. She was supposed to be his best friend. She was meant to be here for him.
‘Jere please, I didn’t want to hurt you, you’re one of my best friends’
‘No, you don’t get to call me that’
‘You don’t mean that.’
‘I do’
It was true that Jeremiah had said these words, but he didn’t mean them. He wanted to take them back, but it was too late, but the words flowed out of his mouth like sour citrus juice that stung your fingers sliced with paper cuts. Jeremiah felt like they had lost part of their connection in that gut wrenching moment. What they had, was now tainted by what Belly had told him. Everything had changed in that moment.
‘We wanted to tell you right away’
‘You’re already a ‘we’?’
Jeremiah had waited for Belly. He waited for days to talk about their kiss. But in some cruel twist of fate, the only kiss being discussed was the one that broke his heart.
‘Do you think you could ever? Yes…yes…’
Jeremiah could not believe what was happening. Years of longing from afar and trying to understand his feelings for his best friend and now he was kissing her. It was the best kiss of his whole life. Like a hesitant dream at first, but one look and her hand moving up his shoulder and up to his neck, it felt real. They melted into each other’s arms, Belly’s legs around his waist, tugging his wet hair. Jeremiah felt like the world had stopped. Like he was drowning, and Belly was air. It was nothing like he had ever experienced before. It was passionate and his heart was beating faster than he could breathe.
It was a fact that Belly didn’t attend his graduation. Jeremiah had to accept this. It didn’t matter if she was dating Conrad or fighting with him or broken up. She was supposed to be Jeremiah’s best friend, and he needed her. Whatever had happened before between them, was pale in comparison to the loss of his mother.
He was alone and nobody seemed to notice his isolated state. he had to accept that Belly didn't care, because the alternative was too confusing and painful to think about.
It took every ounce of strength for Jeremiah to stand up onstage and collect his diploma. He smiled but he felt broken and alone.
Nobody noticed. No one saw him.
'S he doesn’t want to hurt you Jere, it is killing her that you haven’t responded to her texts’
Hearing these words come out of his brothers mouth felt so wrong.
‘Do what you want, you always do anyways’
The words being spoken felt empty.
' It hurts, my chest physically hurts, to not be able to tell her that I’m in love with her’
‘I’m not going to be the one keeping you guys apart, so go for it’.
Jeremiah longed for his mother at his high school graduation. He cried for all the things she would never see him achieve. His father failed to understand why Jeremiah had insisted on embroidering the words ‘adventure is worthwhile in itself’ onto his graduation cap, but Jeremiah didn’t feel the need to explain the words either, as they were between his mother and him only.
Her words would remain in his heart locked away until he was ready to fully understand them.
‘This is just the beginning of your story Jere, the fun in life is figuring out the rest of the story’.
Jeremiah had spent his whole life holding onto a belief that the two most important people in his life really did see the real him.
‘Belly was convinced I could read her mind, and she could read mine. The truth was, I could just read Belly.
Turns out he was wrong.
‘Everyone just expected me to be fine, and I wasn’t’
'We thought you were over it’.