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“oi, ray!”
a voice rang out across the bar, ray following the sound until he saw cheum sitting at their usual booth, arms waving for his attention before raising a full glass, a teasing attempt to lure him over quicker.
granted, it worked, and he was quickly sitting beside his friend, immediately reaching for a shot to down before uttering a word.
“wow,” sarcasm was already dripping from cheum’s lips. “i see you’re more eager to reunite with a drink than with one of your precious friends. i feel so loved.”
he laughed and gave her shoulder a joking nudge, the two of them nothing but smiles tonight. “hey, i’m sitting with you, aren’t i? you should feel honored.” the two exchanged a few more laughs, along with a couple more drinks, before ray looked around the room. “where’s mew?”
the question drew a knowing grin out of cheum, leaning in and already smelling of liquor. he wondered how long she had been here before he had arrived.
“he told me he was going to stop by boston’s place today. probably putting that slut in his place like he deserves.” she was shaking her head, arms crossed in disapproval of what boston had done.
they had all known the kind of person boston was. he was selfish, greedy, always hungry for something new, the next excitement, the next thrill. and while they didn’t always approve of his actions, they continued to call him friend. perhaps they had been too naive, too ignorant, to assume that it would ever come to affect them personally. perhaps they were all just as messy as he was. perhaps they knew and just never wanted to admit it. like hanging out with someone worse made them all a little bit better.
“god, i wish i could be there to see what mew does to him. i wanna see the look on boston’s face as he gets a taste of his own medicine.” cheum waved a hand, trying to flag down another drink as ray leaned back in his seat.
he let the drink swish loosely around in the glass, bringing it up to his lips and then pulling it back down again. “do you think he’ll do the same to top? i mean, the both of them betrayed him, right? it’s only natural that he gets back at both of them.”
it was no secret that ray wasn’t fond of top. he’d made that little tidbit more than clear since the moment they had first met, since the moment ray saw mew’s eyes flicker in intrigue and attraction. since the moment mew was taken from him. he frowned at the memory and downed the rest of his glass.
mew had dated before top, though, they didn’t last as long either. he had such a set standard for his relationships that they would end if he didn’t see a fruitful future. the top in ray’s eyes was the furthest thing from mew’s ideals so it was only natural for him to seek revenge for wasting his time, wasn’t it? mew clearly hadn’t been so deep in love with the so-called top tier that he’d mope around. after all, this was mew. he was smart, calculative, too logical to be swayed by such petty emotions.
cheum leaned against ray’s shoulder, lightly tapping her glass to his with a tipsy grin. “of course he will. he’s in his hot girl revenge era!” she downed her shot, cheeks flushed warm. “if anyone can get their shit together after something like that, it’s mew! our strong and cool mew!”
——
mew closed the door behind him, hearing the click of the lock as if it came from somewhere far off in the distance, as if he wasn’t in his own body but outside of it.
he thought he would feel refreshed after his little revenge scheme. he thought he’d be able to delight in it: the look on boston’s face, the power mew could hold over him, the chance to spit back a taste of boston’s own poison, and to walk away with the arrogance that mew would forever be better than him. better than a cheater, a manipulator, a blackmailer. that a little virgin like mew had been able to snag the top-tier of boston’s dreams, leave him so jealous and insecure, and still walk off with a victor’s smirk in the end.
he thought he’d be okay.
the emptiness growing within him told him otherwise.
he took a step further into the room. and then another one. then another. it was as though he was moving on autopilot, convinced he’d do nothing but fall apart if his body didn’t remember how to walk on it’s own.
a hand reached out, needing to grip onto the kitchen countertop to steady himself. to keep him from falling.
his hand recoiled back in seconds. top had been on this counter. top had been in this room. mew almost threw up.
the countertop where they had first shared a kiss and even some ice cream. the bed where he had allowed top to slip into. the floor where top had worked to assemble some furniture. the couch they had slept on. the wall mew had been pushed back against. no matter where he looked, top was there.
he was everywhere.
and it was somehow suffocating and still so lonely. he was everywhere and he was nowhere.
mew could barely take any more steps forward before he finally allowed himself to sink down to the floor, resting against the wall as he looked around his apartment. this was supposed to be his home. instead, it had become a prison of his mistakes. a reminder of his idiocy.
he could always move out, find another place that wasn’t plagued with so many memories. but he knew he wouldn’t. he knew he’d continue to live here, surrounded by his regrets. because this way, at least, he could still be with top.
a groan slipped out, mew clutching at his head as if he was in pain. and he was. maybe now he’d always be. maybe, at this point, he deserved it. he had always been so sure of himself, so confident that he’d have the sense to know who to let into his heart. instead, he had been made into nothing more than a fool. he had become living proof of other people’s assumptions and judgements. that he really was just a naive, innocent, inexperienced virgin. that maybe he could have avoided this situation if he knew more about relationships, about the horrors that could happen. that he was another idiot blinded by love.
and maybe they were all right. after all, he should be sitting here, relieved to have gotten rid of two dead weights in his life before he got involved even deeper. wasn’t it a good thing that he found out boston and top’s truest colors before … hell, before he had considered marriage? he had gotten his revenge, he had snapped back at them both, left them both stunned and pleading at his feet.
why did he still feel like he was drowning?
why was there a strange pit in his stomach when he thought about top? why was there something instead of anger lodged deep into his chest?
a voice spoke to mew. he wondered if it was his head or his heart. maybe it was both. maybe it was neither. whichever it was, he feared he’d never learn to trust it again.
it hurts, doesn’t it?
of course it does.
why does it hurt?
because he played me for a fool. why else?
no.
what?
why does it hurt?
what do you mean?
why does it hurt?
what the hell are you trying to say?
it hurts because you love him.
…
it hurts. because you love him.
i love him, mew sobbed.