Work Text:
Jean was pretty sure you weren’t supposed to stare at the sun- not that he’d had much of a chance to in recent years. But not staring at Jeremy Knox was impossible. Even at night, asleep, in the room they shared, Jeremy settled something within Jean. Maybe something was wrong within him- alright, according to common consensus many things were wrong with him- but Jean could not bring himself to consider studying Jeremy across the breadth between their beds to be one of those things.
Jeremy slept with the sort of abandon he brought to most things in life: limbs sprawled out, face only half pressed against his pillow, one arm dangling off the bed. But he looked as pretty in the streetlight streaming in through the window as he did in the daylight, and Jean, in his half asleep state- couldn’t pull his attention away. Jeremy’s lips twitched around a nonsense sound in his sleep, which drew Jean’s unwitting attention to his mouth. It looked so soft, and-
Soft. Soft? Jean frowned as if there was someone conscious to witness his self-aimed disappointment. His brow furrowed. He should not be thinking about his captain’s mouth. He probably shouldn’t be looking at all, not when Jeremy was so… vulnerable. But staring at the blank wall currently at his back would not have comforted Jean nearly as much as the sight of Jeremy.
Except he wasn’t comfortable now.
Jean did not know what to do with desire. It was like the barking of a neighbor’s annoying dog: impossible to ignore, and yet Jean had no jurisdiction over it. It did not come and go at his discretion. Only yapped in the middle of the night, apparently.
He felt desire, yes. But between him and giving it any sort of life were barriers made of memories he had barely begun to untangle. Memories he was trying avidly to avoid at the moment, instead half-heartedly counting the freckles he could see on Jeremy’s shoulder.
Jeremy shifted in his sleep, rolling over onto his back. It figures, Jean thought, that Jeremy would be restless even in sleep. He had this energy that seemed to live under his skin. Jean could see it in the constant tapping of his feet or fingers. In the way the court or the pottery wheel in their share elective course only served as temporary vessels for that energy. Nothing ever quite contained it. Jean wondered what it would take- to get Jeremy entirely exhausted.
God. No. Wrong question. Jean’s mind went spinning in a million different directions, each flash of an imagined scenario more damning than the last. Sun-tanned skin and capable hands and that smile - the real one. Not the one for the cameras. The one Jean caught over the dinner table, when Laila had cracked a joke Jean hadn’t caught onto quite yet but Jeremy was already grinning in his direction for some reason. Jean was afraid he would do anything for that particular smile.
What am I thinking? I can’t be this stupid. Even as he chastised himself- again- Jean’s gaze ran over Jeremy’s hair splayed out on his pillow like a halo. The choice to bleach it had shocked Jean, sure, but in safety of his thoughts he had to admit it looked good. It suited Jeremy. Of course the captain of the Sunshine Court was golden- Jean was unable to imagine it being any other way now. He had so far avoided the thought during the day, but Jean’s weary mind slipped into imagining what those strands would feel like between his fingers. They must feel something like silk. Would Jeremy like it if he-
Okay. No. No, that was it. Jean was driving himself in torturous circles, and he had things to do in the morning. Between his aversion to water and the late hour, he could not take a cold shower. So he turned over, wincing at the sound of his bed creaking, and stared at the boring wall. The boring wall was safe. And not his captain. And eventually- although still thinking of Jeremy Knox’s smile- Jean drifted off to sleep.