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The footsteps were familiar. Yuki could tell it was him, before the man came into his view. The brisk steps, the mild scent of soap, the tired and disappointed sigh.
Yanagida Masahiro.
His stature reminded Yuki of a willow branch. Elegant, lovely and yet an air of sorrow wrapped around him.
The doctor did not bother greeting him. His eyes honed in on the wound he had come to treat. A tear on his left bicep. Yuki's eyes never left his face though.
He had few opportunities of beholding such beauty in his line of work. Better take his fill when he could.
The doctor got to work right away, peeling the bloodied shirt off Yuki with a care few bothered to show the underboss. Scanning his torso for any other wounds, before his eyes found Yuki's.
“It's just a graze.” Yuki told him.
“That's a lot of blood.” The doctor countered.
“It's not mine.”
The doctor pursed his lips. This shouldn't be surprising to him. But Yuki could see the disapproval in his eyes. When he had first met the doctor he had thought it was because he looked down upon the Yakuza and their violent ways. But over the years Yuki had realised he just didn't like Yuki being reckless.
“Try not to jump in front of a gun the next time. You have enough scars as is.” The shirt was discarded on the floor, and the doctor had started cleaning away the dried blood. “The grim reaper is going to catch up to you one of these days.”
“Won't you fight him off?”
The doctor scoffed even as he turned away to discard the bloodied gauze.
“Why should I?”
People would often ask him why he was so lenient with the doctor. Why he would let the man talk back to him. It was hard to explain. If anyone else had talked to him in such a condescending tone, or dared to look him in the eyes so fiercely - Yuki would've broken a few of their bones.
But he found himself powerless in front of these particular doe eyes. Even if the doctor only had harsh words for him, Yuki would gladly accept them as precious gifts.
“Isn't that your job? To save lives?”
He did not rise to the bait. He was easier to rile up when he was just an exhausted intern, dragged in to patch up goons after his endless hours at the hospital. Yuki too had been careless with his words back then. A hot headed teenager with a crush. Trying and failing to look like a man.
“This needs to be stitched up.”
So clinical, so detached. Yuki knew he was mad at Yuki for staying with the Yakuza. Instead of going to university like he had suggested. That was the major bone of contention. He had stuck his neck out, to give Yuki a chance to run away from this filthy life of crime. But Yuki has chosen to stay. That was the only way to stay close to him.
“This might hurt.”
He said as he readied the needle and forceps. It stung, but Yuki had taken bullets before, this was nothing. He kept his eyes on his healer. But the man did not spare him a glance. As always, too absorbed in his work.
"Ah!"
Yuki let out a pained sound, hoping to catch his attention. Hoping to be coddled like the old times. When he'd get candies and head pats for being brave about getting his shots and stitches.
His pain threshold had risen over the years. But the doctor's heart was just as tender as ever.
Worried eyes turned to his face, hands coming to a stop.
“Does it hurt?” The doctor asked, “I'm sorry, I'll try to be more gentle. It's almost done, just hold on a little longer.”
Yuki heaved a sigh.
“I wish Sensei would be this gentle with my heart too.”
Again the doctor's hands stilled. This time when he pushed the needle in again there was nothing gentle about his movements. Yuki couldn't stop the yelp that escaped his lips. This time it actually hurt.
“Hey! That really did hurt.”
“My apologies.”
He did not sound sorry at all. Yuki didn't provoke him any further. The doctor went on to dispose of the waste and washed his hands. Reciting all the things Yuki had to be mindful of. Reminding him of meds he should take to prevent infection.
He didn't have to. Yuki got injured often enough that he had these precautions memorized on his fingertips. His mind was better occupied with admiring the man's wide shoulders, his surprisingly toned arms. Yuki knew he had built all this muscle so he could lift his ‘patients’ out of dangerous situations. The short sleeved, plain white t-shirt exposed his forearms for Yuki to admire. The water running over his long, capable fingers reminded Yuki of how dry his throat was.
“Are you even listening to me?”
The sharpness in his tone jolted Yuki out of his thoughts. He felt a little like he had been caught stealing a cookie. The man scoffed at his absent minded demeanor.
“Sometimes I think you get injured on purpose just to mess with me.”
“Well, I wouldn't have to go to such lengths if you would just come to me when I call.”
“I don't have the time to dance to your whims.”
The words were harsh, but there was no heat behind them. Just a tired admission.
“I missed you, Masa.”
He hadn't meant for his voice to be so meek. It had been months since they had last met. Seven. Well seven months and twelve days to be precise. But Masa didn't need to know he kept count.
“Don't.” The tension in his shoulders made Yuki worry. “Don't try to Masa your way out of this. Why were you in front of a gun at point blank range?”
“Who told you I was standing in front of the gun?”
“Yuji told me everything on my way here.”
“He's always exaggerating.”
“Yuki.”
Just his name a tired sigh. And yet, no threat of violence, no amount of money could've persuaded him better than the sound of his name in Masa's voice.
“The gun,” he began his explanation as Masa walked back towards him, “was pointed at Mayu. It was my own fault for not being quick enough, but we're both alive so I don't see any problem.”
“What about Otsuka? Where was he?”
“Who do you think finished the bastard off?”
Masa's eyes travelled to his bloodied shirt discarded on the floor.
“I just got rid of the dead body. Otsuka made sure the fucker regretted pointing the gun at Mayu. He made a mess but that's how he's gonna learn.”
“He didn't seem like the violent type,” Masa's eyebrows disappeared under his silky bangs, “he was a shy kid.”
“Tell me about it, I was surprised too.”
“And impressed.”
It wasn't a question. He couldn't deny it because Masa knew him too well. Yuki just shrugged. He had cribbed about Mayu's taste in men to Masa too often to admit that Otsuka was indeed good for her.
“I'm glad she found her match.”
He kept his distance from Yuki. Inching closer to the door and away from the bed where Yuki sat waiting for him. Seemingly in a hurry to leave, and yet, dallying.
“Yeah, she's going to have her happily ever after.”
“She deserves it,” Masa's voice was warm, his smile small but sweet, he did cherish Mayu as if she was his own baby sister “they both do.”
“So do we.”
Even if Yuki enjoyed teasing him, he didn't want to scare Masa off. At the same time, he couldn't stop himself from bringing it up. He had been waiting for an answer for years now. He could wait for years more, but did they really have to?
Masa kept standing at an arm's length. Frozen still, cold and unmoving like an ice sculpture.
Yuki reached out to hold his hand, tentatively. Fearing Masa would step back. But he didn't, letting Yuki entangle their fingers together. Eyes downcast, even as Yuki pulled him closer. Only when Yuki's arms were wrapped snug around his waist, did Masa look into his eyes.
“I need to leave soon.”
“You're always in a hurry. Can't you stay the night? Just this once?”
This close, Yuki could see the faint flicker of uncertainty in his eyes. Yuki knew he was torn, wanting to stay yet needing to run away.
“Like you would ever skip your business just to see me. I have responsibilities too, Yuki.”
“I would gladly skip meetings to see you.” Yuki widened his legs, pulled Masa closer in between them. “You're the one who doesn't want me coming over to the hospital. I'd come see you every night after your shift if you let me.”
“I don't want to see you every night.”
“And yet I do,” Yuki brought one of his delicate hands up to his mouth, brushing his lips over the scarred palm, “I see you every night.”
Masa tries to snatch his hand away, but Yuki grips it tighter. Hold just shy of actually hurting the doctor.
“Yuki if you start stalking me again I swear-”
“In my dreams,” Yuki smiles at his frustrated but surprised face, “I see you every night in my dreams.”
Yuki kisses his hand quickly, looking up at Masa's face as innocently as he could. The older man sighed in exasperation. But he did nothing to get away from Yuki. That was encouragement enough for him.
“Should we run away?” He said quickly, catching Masa's attention. “Live normal lives? We can go to some small village by the sea. You can work at another hospital with a new name.”
“Oh yeah?” Maybe it was because he was injured, but Masa humoured him. “And what would you do?”
“I'll stay at home,” Yuki said, spying a slight smile on his lips, “I'll prepare bento for you and bring it to you during your lunch break. Walk home with you once you're done with your shift.”
“Do you even know how to cook?”
“I can learn.”
Masa searched his eyes. Yuki knew he was looking for lies, but there were none to be found. He had thought it over. Numerous times. Dreamt of it.
“What about laundry?” Masa's hands came to tangle in the locks at his nape. “Have you ever touched a washing machine?”
“I can learn.” Yuki reiterated. “Laundry, cooking, cleaning, sewing. I can learn it all. Small town or big city. By the sea or under the mountain. A penthouse or a cottage. Whatever it is you want, I can make it happen. Just say the word. Just come to me, Masa.”
Yuki hugged him, chin resting against Masa's sternum. His hands caressed Yuki's shoulders, his neck and moved to cup his face. Squishing his cheeks together like he used to when Yuki was just a boy. Letting go when Yuki frowned at him in indignation.
Masa pushed him away, only to kiss him. A faint press of his lips, like the very first drops of rain on his face. But Yuki didn't let him retreat. Arms tightening, holding him in place. A few raindrops won't do, he needed Masa to be the storm that would drown him.
Tonight, Masa indulged him. Let Yuki have his way, kissed him back with equal fervour. Holding Yuki's face tenderly. Stealing the breath from his lips. He let Yuki untuck his shirt, let the hands wander up his back.
When Yuki fell backwards on the bed, Masa went down with him. Urged him further back without breaking the kiss. Musing his hair up, chewing his lips, just as hungry as Yuki. It was Masa who had to pull away to breathe. He was a vision with his kiss swollen lips and determined eyes. Yuki could feel the last strand of his patience stretching taut.
“You're in my bed.”
“I know.”
“I'm going to take that as a yes.”
“I know.”
“I'm serious -”
“So am I.”
Masa pulled away and took his shirt off, before starting to undo Yuki's pants.
“We don't have all night, Yuki. Where's the lube?”
Yuki pointed to the bedside drawer, and Masa got off the bed to look through it with one hand, while taking off his own pants with the other. Even when he climbed back to the bed Yuki was having some difficulty in believing the turn of events.
“How do you-”
“I'm going to ride you.”
Yuki almost choked on his spit. Masa had always been curt and straightforward. But Yuki still had some difficulty with the same in bed.
“Thank you- I mean, give me the lube, I'll-”
The doctor swatted his hand away.
“Ow! I am still your patient, you know?”
“Keep your hands to yourself,” Masa was cool as a cucumber, and it was making heat rise up to Yuki's face, “until I allow it. Understood?”
Yuki pouted at him but nodded. Masa got rid of his underwear and started prepping himself. Spreading his legs open for Yuki while gesturing at him to move away towards the headboard.
“What am I supposed to do?” Yuki couldn't hold back the whine in his voice when Masa inserted the first finger dripping with lube. The man of his dreams was naked in his bed, and he was just supposed to sit still?
“Sit back and enjoy the show.”
Well. Now that he said it like that. Yuki settled against the headboard. Palming his cock, as all his blood rushed down to it. Masa truly was putting on a show. Fingers knuckle deep, chest scarlet from the effort, his breath hitching in a way that had Yuki holding his own.
He let Masa do the work for a few minutes. Let his eyes feast on his beloved. His milky skin, his parted lips, his mused hair. Those darkening eyes. But each passing moment was torture. The desire bubbling inside him searing his skin. He had to touch, he had to feel Masa.
Yuki moved when Masa's eyes fluttered close. That was his tell, when the pain and discomfort gave way to pleasure. He was ready, and Yuki wasn't going to wait anymore. His yelp of surprise was so cute Yuki had to kiss him again, as he pulled the man closer by the ankles. When his eyes flew open Yuki could see that he was about to be chastised. So he kept kissing Masa’s face, distracting the man so he could pull his fingers out and line up his cock. Teasing his hole with just the tip.
“I told you to wait-”
“I can't wait. Don't make me wait anymore please? Please Masa?”
Yuki knew him well. Orders and threats would never work on Masa. He was too stubborn. But if Yuki pleaded, if he said please. Masa would melt for him. Which he did. Nodding to give his permission. Taking Yuki so willingly, so well.
He was quiet in the beginning, biting his lips, an arm thrown over his eyes. Yuki was careful, savouring every second. It had been too long. He didn’t know when Masa would be so weak as to fall in his bed again. He had to have his fill tonight. Leave the imprint of his desire on Masa’s pale skin. Memorize the softness of his thighs, the intoxicating moans, the sting of his nails digging into Yuki’s shoulder blades.
“Yuki…”
His name is a breathless whisper, almost lost in the sound of flesh slapping against flesh. But Yuki still slows down, bows to Masa’s call.
“Masa.”
Yuki mumbles against his neck, quietly, lovingly.
“I missed you too…” he says, “so much.”
If Yuki was a wiser man he’d say he knew. That it was alright, Masa was here now, they were together again, and that was all that mattered. But in Masa’s presence he always reverted back to the angry child he was. Wanting to argue, wanting to throw tantrums. Starved for attention, for affection. Which Masa would lavish on him. Selflessly, unconditionally. So it was his own fault that Yuki was so obsessed with him, to the point he would wound himself just so Masa would come running back to him.
Then why do you keep leaving me? Why don’t you come to me when I beg you to? He wanted to scream.
Maybe he saw it in Yuki’s eyes. The urge to argue, to whine. Masa’s finger came up to caress his face, pushing his hair out of his eyes. Such a familiar gesture, such a sweet touch, it soothes his ruffled mind into quiet contentment.
“Kiss me.”
How could Yuki ever say no to that face, to the sparkling eyes, the pleading lips. So he kissed the love of his life, until the man fell apart under him. But once wasn’t enough. Masa wanted him just as much, just as desperately. He had a drink of water, made Yuki take the medicines he was supposed to and then rode Yuki like he had promised. Not so apologetic anymore. Making Yuki wait, making him whine, gripping the reins of his heart in those calloused fingers.
In his line of work, Yuki saw a lot. Greed, suffering, lust, violence, death. Witnessed hideous moments that made him question if there was any point in living such a filthy life. But the beautiful things, a smile, a content sigh, a kind touch. Those rare luxuries that he only received from Masa. A smile pressed into his skin, his lover embracing him as they settled in for the night. These were the moments he kept living for. Masa, his light at the end of the tunnel.
Yuki fell asleep listening to his heartbeat, but woke up to an empty bed.
“Running away already?” Yuki’s voice stopped the doctor in his tracks, he turned to find the doctor with one foot out the door. “You're breaking my heart Yanagida sensei.”
He turned around, the tension leaving his body in a sigh. Seeing Yuki wide awake, he came to sit on the bed. His face calm, his breaths collected, unlike the heavy and harsh breaths that rattled through Yuki's chest. His cool gaze slicing away the mask of indifference Yuki was trying to shield himself with.
When Masa tried taking hold of his hand Yuki snatched it away. A couple of times. Turning his face away from the man.
“Yuki, look at me.”
His voice was too soft, too tender. Yuki never stood a chance. His eyes betrayed him, as his heart always did when it came to Yanagida Masahiro.
“You know we can't be together.” The tilt of his head was as beautiful as it was devastating. “They will use me as a pawn to control you. I want to protect you. I don't want to become your weakness.”
“I told you we can run away!” He got up too quick, his arm throbbed in pain, but Yuki ignored it. “I have prepared everything. Just come with me, no one can stop me.”
“And how exactly are you planning on running away, huh?” The disapproval and annoyance seeped back into Masa's voice, “If you go to tell them you're quitting you'll get shot in the head.”
He tapped Yuki's forehead harshly as he said that.
“And if we run away secretly they're going to hunt you down. We'll never get to live peacefully, Yuki. We'll always be on the run.”
The tears were like dewdrops in Masa's eyes.
“Stop it. Stop making it harder than it already is.”
“Just say you don't want me -”
“I want you alive. I want you to be healthy and happy. Are you going to be happy away from your sisters? Yuji? Taishi? Can you really leave them all behind?”
Yuki shook his head. Anger, pain, longing all warring in his head. Tearing away at his heart.
“Don’t pin this on me. You don't want to leave your life here. To you your family and your work is more important than me-”
“Oh stop it! As if you would be content with a life in some small village. You'd get bored in three days. We will be found in five and before the week is out our bodies would have been thrown into the ocean.”
“I will kill every single one of them if I have to.” Yuki told him, not a shred of hesitation in his voice, “You think I’m all talk but there is nothing I wouldn’t do to have you Masa-”
“What about Mayu?”
“What about her?”
“Oh really?” Masa was not buying his unaffected act, “Say we were to be free, and escape this mess. Do you really think Mayu, Taishi, or my parents would be left alone?”
“We will not make any contact with them. Mayu can take care of herself. Besides, she is Otsuka’s responsibility now.”
“Do you really think you would be able to sleep a wink without checking up on her? You wouldn’t last an hour without hearing from her. What happens if someone targets her again while we are gone? Too far away to help?”
Masa was always the sensible one. Yuki hated it. So he does what he always did when Masa was trying to talk some sense into him. Ignores the older man and goes to the bathroom. Masa follows him, leaning against the door, arms folded over his chest.
“Just like you I also have people who need me, Yuki. There are people I love and need to take care of. You had your chance at running away, and you… let it go. No one gets second chances in our world. Certainly not the next head.”
Yuki kept brushing his teeth, looking into the mirror and making every possible effort to not break down into tears. Masa seemed to have said his bit and was readying himself to leave. Squaring his shoulders, sniffing a bit, he was never one to cry freely.
“Don't get hurt.”
Masa shut the door behind him after those parting words. Not waiting to hear Yuki's response.
“Then stop hurting me.”