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Ishe had always felt like a big brother, even though his sister was his twin. Ziyo was always so quiet and hostile, but had no true bite to her bark. Or maybe she had no words to support her violence… it was often that he had to calm her down. As they grew up though, with Mom and Dad giving them more independence and less attention, the dynamics changed a little. Ishe was now getting into fights with anyone who did anything to hurt his family. He knew it was probably unnecessary, and he knew his parents didn’t appreciate it as much as Ziyo did, but they had to be protected.
…
Ziyo had bit again, and Ishe had to come save her. They sat down at the curb near the schoolhouse, staring at the gravel. Ziyo always liked kicking the little rocks around. “Sorry. She was calling me weird and I just couldn’t hold back… it made me so angry! No one ever talks to you like that… you’re such a good kid. Except when ya get mad.” Ishe was glad to hear her talk. He felt so much older than her, and it bothered him. Like an older brother, like a father, not like an equal. “You just gotta focus. I know it ain’t so easy when everything is distracting, but you gotta stay focused. You gotta know that Mom and Dad want us to do good so we can get somewhere in life.”
They walked home after about an hour of talking, both rather satisfied with the vulnerability they shared. Ishe opened himself up a little, letting Ziyo know that he wasn’t happy to be a good kid. He had too much pressure put on his back, and it was weighing him down. Ziyo said she’d do her best to carry some of it. It made him give a big, crooked smile.
…
Dinner time was the best time of day, except for when one of them got in trouble. Mom made a good meal, not their favorite, but good. Dad was a no-show, sleeping on the couch like he owned it. Ziyo always giggled, but Ishe knew he was drunk. Always. Drunk.
Mom sat down and smiled at the two of them, before holding their hands and saying those prayers. What once had been annoying now became precious. Precious enough for Ziyo to look down in guilt and start mumbling about what happened. Ishe let himself eat, watching as Ziyo was held once she started crying. She was 8, like he was… if she was still small enough to get picked up, why wasn’t he? He watched in envy as Ziyo was treated like that, tears prickling his own eyes. He stuffed his mouth full of food until Mom picked him up…
“Shh… shh…” No words came out, just little shushes and coos that expectedly soothed him. Ishe cried like a baby until he didn’t, getting put back down in his chair. Sometimes he felt like he was getting babied, other times, it wasn’t enough. Ziyo smiled a little and ate her food slowly, like always. Except for the meat. She ate that fast.
“Why do you eat your meat so fast? It’s not gonna go anywhere.” He made sure to keep his voice gentle. Teasing didn’t go well if one of them was upset. “I really like how it tastes, but it feels so gross… rubbery kinda, and chewy, and blehhhhhhh…” Despite her being so expressive, her face didn’t change, or the pitch of her voice. Ishe giggled at that and just continued eating. Dinner was finished rather slow today…
…
Ziyo was already in bed and reading the book she did every night, but Ishe had been attached to Mom’s hip for about 20 minutes. Crying, yelling, hitting, silent… it was all he was doing, changing quickly between the four options. Mom eventually picked him up and took him to bed, sitting down with him. “What’s wrong, chido? You’ve been upset all evening.”
“I just don’t wanna do everything. I’m scared. I can’t do it. I’m tired.” With that confession from Ishe, Mom almost cried herself. She held him close and shushed him, shaking her head over and over. “No, no, no… you don’t have to do everything. Let me handle things. Let your sister have some of it. I’ll make sure Dad takes some of the load.” Ishe could hear her frustration in the end, but it was overpowered by her guilt towards her own son. “I’m sorry, chido… please don’t worry about being a perfect little boy. Just be a little boy.” Her words meant the world to him, even if it was just common sense to act as a child. The weight was lifted and his tears stopped running. Ishe started to fall asleep in her arms. Before he was completely out, he could feel the blanket being tucked right under his chin, just like he liked it.
———
Waking up seemed like the best decision to make. Mom was gone and there was a horrible and suffocating stench in the air. The house was hot. Ishe didn’t have time to look around— he was in danger and he needed to get out of danger. Ziyo had woken up at about the same time he did, and was grabbing her stuffed animals. “Ziyo! Now isn’t the time!” He had never managed to make his voice be so loud. Even in what felt like the air of hell, he needed to scream at her. Grabbing her hand as hard as he could, he ran down the stairs and out the house.
He got as far away as he felt he needed to. Mom wasn’t here at all. Ziyo seemed to notice that first, and before he could react, she ran back inside. Desperate and painful screams were heard from her, trying to look for their parents. Ishe ran after and, despite every desire to save his things or look for their parents, he grabbed Ziyo. But not before they could see the source of the fire. Dad’s limp body was lying on the ground, surely burnt to a crisp already. He was the beginning of it, the pyromaniac that set their home ablaze. Ishe couldn’t help but start sobbing, trying to get himself and Ziyo out of what felt like hell.
Ziyo was more silent now, not crying like Ishe was. Ishe ran around like a maniac, trying to find his mom in the midst of all of this chaos. Her car wasn’t home. She wasn’t home. Thank the lord she wasn’t home… Ishe ran back to Ziyo and finally saw what was keeping her silent…
Her left arm shriveled and spewing blood from every burnt injury on it. It wasn’t an arm anymore, barely a limb. Barely even a body part anymore. Ishe stared, then looked up at Ziyo. “We need to find Mom.” He choked out, gingerly taking her right hand and wandering aimlessly around town. “We need firemen!” Ziyo eventually squeaked, pulling back and whining like a dog. “We need to get rid of the fire! Ishe! Ishe! Ishe!”
“I know we’re supposed to be fixing the problem, but Daddy’s GONE! OUR HOME IS GONE! MOMMY NEEDS TO KNOW AND WE NEED TO FIND HER QUICK! I’m not letting you leave my side!” He was quick to break down into tears. Running was a bad idea, as it pulled Ziyo without her being prepared. Ishe had injuries himself, but just little burns on his legs and face. They could be healed. Ziyo was destroyed though… her arm was useless now, her face was red with fresh flesh. His own legs were red and bleeding, but he ignored them. Pressing on was what they needed to do.
…
After wandering and losing the energy they had, the two of them got to Mom’s job. She hadn’t heard any news. It travelled quick around here, but their house wasn’t near any of the other houses. Ziyo ran off, but now that they were in Mom’s office, it didn’t matter. Crying, Ishe went to her and tried to explain the situation. A look of pure terror crossed her face before she screamed and picked Ishe up. “WHERE’S ZIYO!? WHERE’S YOUR FATHER??”
“Daddy’s gone! He’s gone! And I dunno where she went, but she’s here…” Ishe cried out. Mom got a hold of Ziyo and saw the damage. A sob escaped her lips as she held her child close while still trying to avoid the little girl’s arm. “Oh babies… it’s okay… it’s okay… go to the hospital. It’s right across the road. I need to call the firemen. Go. Go!” Mom let both of them go outside with a kiss, and she ran off to the station.
…
The rest of what had happened was a daze, but Ishe regained awareness in a hospital bed next to his sister. Ziyo’s arm was gone. Completely gone now, and bandaged. His own legs were bandaged, one of his ankles put in a cast. Something must’ve hurt it, but he didn’t know what. They were okay. Mom was okay, the house might’ve been put out. It was all okay.
“What did you do to your foot…” Ziyo had that same monotone voice, but it was shaky and nervous. She was never shaky before today… “I dunno. It hurts, but only a little. A little compared to my legs…” Ishe stared at Ziyo again, wishing they hadn’t been set on fire by their own Dad. Was he trying to kill them? Or himself? Did it matter? Ishe couldn’t figure out what was and wasn’t important anymore. Life as they knew it was over. No home, no Dad, and one with no arm. Ishe couldn’t run anymore for a while. Everything was gone.
…
The next few hours, Anokosha came back and looked at her two children. Sobbing silently from the loss of her husband, she sat down in between the two beds. Ishe was asleep now, and Ziyo was just laying there with those wide eyes. She got distracted really easily, and that was that face. Anokosha rubbed Ishe’s hair before scooting over to Ziyo.
“Hello…” her voice had to be soft and soothing for her babies, or else they’d get nervous. Ziyo especially. She didn’t answer, but Anokosha could see her shift a little. “It’s okay… it’s okay… Ishe’s okay and Mommy’s okay… uhm… Daddy didn’t make it though… he made a mistake and our home caught fire… Daddy didn’t make it.” Honesty was the best way to talk to her two children, she realized. Ziyo wasn’t one to be loud, but Anokosha could see that she was starting to cry. “Oh… no no no… it’s okay…”
Anokosha had learned how to deal with her children over the years. It was nice to see them grow with her. And she had to think about them or else she would start crying about her husband again. She couldn’t believe it. So much gone in the blink of an eye. So much lost. Her children were thankfully safe, but they were hurt. They were hurt so bad… Anokosha cried softly with Ziyo as she held her close. “We’ll be okay…”
———
Everything was so confusing after that. Their little broken family had to piece themselves back together after a horrible moment like that. Ishe was trying to keep himself busy, Ziyo was learning how to function with one arm while she couldn’t get a prosthetic, and Mom was trying to find a place to stay. The United States, she said, was the place to go. It had much more to offer, and, depending on where they went, wouldn’t be as vulnerable to fire. Not like that was their issue anyways… but it was a cover up for their Dad accidentally setting his own liquor on fire. Ishe knew it was just a horrible series of events…
Trying to talk to Ziyo was pointless— she wouldn’t say a word. Ishe tried and tried and tried, but he gave up once she smacked him once. He didn’t like being hit. It made him mad. But with Ziyo, it made him feel horrible, guilty. Like he had made her hit him, even if it was just her own uncontrolled emotions. Mom was better to talk to, but she didn’t know what to do with herself. She seemed so lost now, but always regained focus when one of her children was around. Ishe figured out how to help. He didn’t want her to do this alone.
———
Time passed, two years since the fire, and Ishe had discovered that she wanted to be a girl. Thinking about it, it made a lot more sense. She liked being a girl, she liked being known as a girl. They didn’t move just yet, wanting to change her name before they had even more paperwork to go through. Anaishe was what she picked, as it was incredibly similar to the name she had before. Not many people saw her as a girl, but it seemed Ziyo liked having a sister. She couldn’t imagine why Ziyo seemed to be closer to her now… she’d been attached ever since the fire, even if she wouldn’t talk.
A few months after Anaishe announced her own feelings, talking to Ziyo had brought to light that he also felt that way, just the opposite. It was nice to know they were both in the same kind of boat, confused and changed beyond their own will. Ziyo changed his name to Zinyoro right before Mom decided to take them all on a flight to the US. The first and final flight. They wouldn’t be going back home after that day…
———
They had finally got all the paperwork and expenses and all that done and could live comfortable in a home in West Bridge, Minnesota after 1 more year of struggling. Sometimes, one of them still broke down and needed Mommy to come save them. Sometimes Mom broke down too… it hurt to see her cry, but they did their best to keep the support flowing throughout the family.
Anaishe enrolled herself in the school’s mixed junior hockey team to keep herself busy and have a way to channel all of the emotions that bubbled up inside. She picked up tons of hobbies, desperate to never sit down. Zinyoro had reading as a way to process his feelings, and video games just to entertain himself. They were all lucky that they lived really close to an arcade.
…
One time at the arcade, Zinyoro met a boy named Moshe, who said he had moved here when he was a baby from Panama. He and Zinyoro constantly hung out after they met each other. Anaishe started talking to him, and they became such great friends! Zinyoro quickly realized that their friendship sprouted stronger than his with Moshe.
He was either always attached to Anaishe at the hip, or he was isolating himself. The first friend in the United States that he made, and Anaishe had to just be better than him at it. Jealousy flowed through his veins each day he saw Moshe and Anaishe speak to each other. It didn’t take long for him to become that dumb little kid again…
“Ow! What the hell, Zinny!? Don’t just bite me like that, man!”
Zinyoro had bit Anaishe when the two of them started teasing him because he liked clowns. Moshe and Anaishe did NOT like clowns apparently, but he couldn’t imagine why. He was too angry to care anyways. He just wanted his friend back…
…
Zinyoro stormed home that day and just sat on the couch, wishing Mom was always home like Dad used to be. He didn’t look at or talk to Anaishe the whole rest of the day until she made him talk. “I want Mom, not you.” Those were the first few words, but Anaishe didn’t get mad and leave. She looked instead, waiting for more to come out of his mouth. “I’m sorry for biting you. I’m just jealous of how close you are with him.” It felt so horrible to say out loud, that he would hurt his own twin sister because he was jealous… Zinyoro wanted to hold those tears in for Mom, but they started flowing… he hiccuped and cried, trying to get Anaishe to hold him like she was his mother. He hated to admit how many times he wanted her to coddle him.
“It’s alright to be jealous, but say something first man. I didn’t mean to take your buddy. He’s just a fun guy to talk to, and coming from someone who also plays a sport, it’s a nice thing to bond over. He’s still your friend, you’re still his, and I’m still your sister.” Anaishe always tried to calm him down like this, like he was some crazy dog. Zinyoro knew that wasn't why, but his anger was too strong to care.
…
Anaishe was honestly tired of how Zinyoro was, but she knew nothing she could do would help. He only wanted his Mom, and while she was amazing, she didn’t fix the issue, just fixed his crying. It wasn’t good enough. Anaishe knew she had to be firm, she had to push everything down, and she had to will herself to verbally slap him in the face if she needed to. He needed to learn. She used to feel protective over him when he was little, but he was still so needy and uncontrollable, like a dog. She was just annoyed now, and she wanted to get away.
After they had a long conversation, Anaishe hid herself in the bathroom. She figured taking a shower would be a good idea and let herself do that. Pausing, staring at the tub floor, she thought about everything. Dad was gone. He was still gone, and it was his fault. He spilled liquor and dropped his cigarette. He was so stupid. Everything was so stupid! Why was she thinking about her own father like that?
Anaishe was so slow with that shower, but she got every ounce of dirt she could find off, and she felt better. Every so often, she would pause and think, more than she ever had before in the span of 30 minutes. God, she took such long showers… Anaishe had no idea how Mom hadn’t yelled at her yet about that.
Thinking was more of a curse than a blessing, so she didn’t allow herself to think. Clean something, play something, do something, do SOMETHING… but the more she begged to have a task to complete, the more she was met with an incurable boredom. Sitting down next to Zinyoro, Anaishe stared at him. She looked away and sighed, speaking again. “I know it’s annoying, but Mom gets home late. I’m Mom while she’s not here, and you have to listen to me.”
Truthfully, Zinyoro was minutes older than her, but still older. She just didn’t see him as an equal sometimes, and he always saw her as a parent. Or a protector at least. It aggravated her, but almost motivated her to become a babysitter in the future for some money. It always did something, being stuck in an annoying position.
“I’ll listen to you.” That was all that came out. Zinyoro was the master of bluntness, and she was the master of firmness. The two talking like they were fused would make a perfect army general or sports coach. Anaishe felt herself want to baby him though, even if she wanted to be babied herself… she wrapped her arms around Zinyoro and shushed him, hoping he’d feel better. He might not have even been upset anymore, but oh well.
…
Anokosha came home way late and opened the door to their home. It wasn’t a mess like their old home used to be, with two children running around. Children with their bodies intact and without the trauma of seeing their Dad burnt to a crisp… Anokosha just set her things down and went to check on them. Even as 12 year olds, she felt like they needed to be treated like babies. They were too little still. Even if it was just mentally.
Anaishe was up, per usual, staring at the ceiling. “Hi chido. How was your day?” The look she gave her didn’t go unnoticed. Her daughter looked so tired… “Zinny bit me again. I thought he was done biting me. I thought he finally calmed down.” Anaishe frowned as she curled up into a ball on her bed.
Anokosha sat down on the bed and hugged the girl tight, whispering to her. “Old habits never die, they just become dormant. I’m sure it won’t be an issue like it used to be. Why did he bite you?” It was such an odd question to ask regarding a 12 year old, but Anaishe didn’t seem to care about that. “Apparently, I’m taking away his friendship with Moshe. I don’t really have friends either, so I don’t know why he just can’t share! He wanted you to comfort him, but he would just get what he wanted, not a solution. I hate being his mom… please… I hate it.” Anaishe always got the butt of the motherly pressure because of how much Anokosha had to work. She felt so guilty for doing this to her own flesh and blood.
“I’m sorry chido. Tell him to call me if he can’t think of that himself. You don’t deserve to be a mom, because that’s not what you are.” Anokosha noticed that her daughter was starting to cry. It always happened when she was just too stressed, but it scared her. Breakdowns weren’t too impossible with a child that held everything in until she burst. Thankfully, her cries weren’t too intense or painful or exhausting, just mere cries. She did her best to make sure Anaishe was comfortable and comforted during her sob session.
Anokosha was reminded of that night, and she was sure Anaishe was too, because she looked scared. Her daughter held onto her as tight as she could and stared at the floor, muttering a little. “Don’t drink and smoke.” It was almost like she was begging, but Anokosha understood. She nodded and rocked the girl back and forth, making soft soothing sounds. “Everything will be okay, chido.”
…
Anaishe could only remember falling asleep, but she felt the love of her mother seep through her hardened veins. She woke up and turned her alarm off, her brain screaming at her that everything was on fire again. She shook her head and tried to calm down. Draw. Clean. Get dressed. Brush your teeth. Shower. All of those things were things she decided to do to keep herself from freaking out. Zinyoro came into the bathroom when she was brushing her teeth, and he just looked around for a second. He grabbed something he had left and just went back to his room. They weren’t doing anything today, but the two still enjoyed routine.
Anaishe was starting to fall asleep again though. She stumbled back to her bed and laid down. Zinyoro followed her there too… she just wanted to get rid of him sometimes. “Do you want me to make you any food…” it was a surprisingly independent thing for him to ask… “you make really good scrambled eggs… just put that sauce in.” Zinyoro hugged her and did just that. Automatically though, she could feel her heart pounding. What if he had some stupid plan? She never knew what was going on with him, and he stressed her out. Maybe he was just being nice today though…
…
Anaishe woke up with scrambled eggs and hot sauce in her nose. She glanced up at Zinyoro— his eyes looked tired. She placed the eggs on her nightstand and tugged him into a hug. “There better not be anything going on with you.” She almost warned him as she embraced him gently. He wasn’t the most comfortable with close contact. Except with her and Mom.
“Nothing’s happening, An. I woke up at like 2 in the morning, I couldn’t go back to sleep.” He yawned and sat down in her bed, careful of her feet— her right ankle was still sensitive. “Eat those eggs, you’ve been stressed lately. Because of me.” He muttered that last part, not wanting to put pity on himself but unable to not feel guilty. Anaishe sat up and rubbed his shoulder. “If I’m stressed because of you, that means you’ve been stressed. We’re both stressed.” She didn’t want him to feel horrible. “What do you want me to do?”
A question she rarely heard out of him. He often forgot to ask about the solutions, how he could fix what happened, but now? He was much more docile and patient. Like their roles switched…
“I just want to have a bit more time to myself, not worrying about you. I know you don’t function too well on your own, but constantly worrying about you is exhausting. That’s not what either of us want. I just want you to be able to be on your own. At least a bit. Not all the time, just… find some good ways to chill out.” He looked a little hurt by that, but it was much better for both of them this way. He glanced at himself, at his amputated arm, and back at Anaishe. “That is something I need to work on, I know. I’m sorry for using up so much of your energy with my own issues.”
He rubbed his left “arm” and stared at the floor. Anaishe knew he spaced out when his thoughts ran too fast. She felt so guilty to know that he was thinking so much. She ate the eggs, knowing that would make him happy, and it would satisfy her stomach. “These are really good… did you do anything different?”
“No. I made them EXACTLY how you like them.” He responded a little defensively. Zinyoro always stuck to the same old, except for after the fire. He completely changed who he was… he didn’t want to associate himself with a little girl that got her arm burnt off. Anaishe didn’t want to associate herself with a little boy that broke his ankle.
“That’s alright. They’re still amazing.”
…
The day dragged on for what felt like forever, and both of them were tired. Zinyoro just wanted to make Anaishe proud of him— she was annoyed. She always seemed annoyed with him. He was so childish. No one could put up with it. Moshe? He didn’t want to talk to him right now. That 4-eyed goody-two-shoes didn’t need to talk to someone that he didn’t care about anymore.
Immature, really. That’s all he was. Immature. As much as he would love to disprove that, it was nothing but true. Zinyoro didn’t want to annoy Anaishe again, especially since she took his best friend. He wasn’t his best friend if he could leave so quickly. He wanted to scream at her, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere.
Zinyoro just went to sleep the best that he could, trying to get some warm milk in him or tea or something. He panted softly as he laid in bed, wishing Anaishe was there to save him. He could feel her heartbeat in the other room, beating steadily now that he wasn’t bothering her. There was a certain fear to her pulse though, like she was still worried inside. He didn’t want her to worry, but he wanted to get the day over with more than he wanted to console her. And that was the end of it.
———
As the years went on and everything changed, Zinyoro and Anaishe had tons and tons of arguments. Moshe tried to be the mediator between the two of them, but their brains were scrambled and they didn’t even know. So scrambled that they had no idea, and no clue how to get help even if they figured it out.
One day, a girl named Dima showed up in the junior section of the school assembly. She was definitely pretty, Anaishe and Zinyoro both could admit, and she was African American like they were. Anaishe spoke first, noticing she was new, and realized that she was from Russia! Not where either of them expected, but still a neat place to be from.
Over the school year, they talked a lot, since they had a bunch of classes together. She and Zinyoro bonded mentally really well, and Anaishe could laugh and talk to Dima better than anyone she’d ever known. They learned that she got held back in freshman year because she had gotten so depressed that she didn’t do anything… it was a sad story to hear, but they respected that she was still kicking after all of that.
———
On the 1st of April, 1992, Anaishe and Zinyoro got ready for their birthday— 17th birthday to be exact! School was sadly still in session, and they were stuck in that hellhole. It was a Friday, which aggravated both of them beyond belief. Just one day before the weekend!!!
Anaishe got herself dolled up for the occasion, put on her best pants and that tank top she never wore— there wasn’t much to show off in her mind, but Zinyoro always brought her confidence back. She met him in the kitchen earlier than usual. Zinyoro was wearing a colorful button-up— slightly more sophisticated than he typically would be. They both looked a bit more special today. “Happy birthday to you, and to me.” Those were the first tired words that Zinyoro spoke. He laughed a little, and Anaishe nodded and laughed back. “Happy birthday to US, dude. It’s simpler that way, and sounds better. Nicer.” They joked around a little more before it was time to go.
Walking to school was the worst, but at least it wasn’t freezing anymore. Anaishe always smiled whenever she noticed Zinyoro’s prosthetic. She was glad he had one now. Zinyoro always seemed to be happy that she could run and move her ankle around fine. It was a way of both of them saying “we got through hell and we were stronger in the end.”
———
Classes zipped by until they got to 4th period. Dima always kind of brightened up their day, even if she wasn’t the most positive on the inside. She was such a friendly and respectful girl, with such a nice way with words. Zinyoro slumped into his seat and immediately started reading his sci-fi book series, zoned out. He loved Dima, he loved her company, but they didn’t always need to talk. That’s what Anaishe wanted, which was fine. He enjoyed their friendship.
“Soooo… it’s our birthday today! Mom said she’s gonna let us pick a place for dinner, and we could even go shopping a little. This little idiot over here just wants to go to the arcade though… so we might end up separating at the end of the day.” Anaishe seemed to be a little worried about doing that, like SHE didn’t want to apart from him. What a turn of events. He scowled for a second.
“Oh that’s so fun. Whatever you do, make sure to have a good time. Wouldn’t want frowns on your special day.” Dima’s raspy voice fit her dark face— full of makeup and piercings. He always noticed how her hair curled around and framed her jaw, like everything was meant to be there.
“Oh, we will.” That was Zinyoro’s only contribution before he went back to his book. As their conversation went on, and talk of their birthday settled down, he started drawing on his hand. Anaishe was glaring at Dima as she went up to a kid that sat away from everyone. He, presumably, was tall and lanky, but also rather built. That facial structure of his was rather desired and handsome, and that Roman nose made it even better. Zinyoro found himself admiring his appearance and had to stay focused once more. But… Dima was bringing him over? She had never been one to branch out THAT much, even she knew how weird he was! He hadn’t been there that long, but enough to make an impression.
“What the hell is she doing…” Anaishe spoke up first, making a very obvious face as Dima brought the tall boy over. “Just go with it. I’m sure it’ll turn out fine.”