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Felix is quiet on the flight home. He sits next to Chan on the plane, but doesn’t say much except for the occasional check in and to climb over him for the bathroom. Chan doesn’t push him either, thinking it’s probably the exhaustion of the last three weeks finally catching up to him.
When they’ve got their suitcases back from baggage claim, Chan taps Felix on the elbow, brushing the hair out of his eyes.
“All good, baby?” he murmurs, voice low enough for those around them not to eavesdrop, but enough for Felix to hear. Felix nods with a soft hum, flashing a weary smile that’s still painfully bright. Chan’s heart hammers against his rib cage, and all he can do is smile back before he turns away to break up a petty argument between Jeongin and Jisung.
Felix starts to head in the direction of his and Seungmin’s car, only to be stopped by a gentle tug on the bottom of his jacket. His gaze travels up, softening when he finds it’s Chan.
“Come back to the dorm?” he asks, nodding over to their car. Jeongin is already sitting inside, smiles when Felix makes eye contact with him.
He nods, turning to Chan again. “Yeah.” A simple glance between his suitcase and Seungmin is enough for the latter to sigh fondly, shooing Felix away with a hand and starting to wheel his bag away. Felix makes a mental note to bake him some cookies when he’s back home and climbs into the car behind Chan.
In the car, Felix is still quiet. He lets out a little yawn and reaches out to hold onto Chan’s arm like a koala, head resting on his shoulder and his eyes threatening to slip shut. Chan’s warmth and smell is so comforting to every one of his senses, he can’t help it.
“Go to sleep, little one. I’ll wake you when we’re home, yeah?” Chan’s already coaxing Felix’s head back down onto his shoulder when he tries to sit up again, laying a hand over the one Felix has on his thigh.
“You’ll wake me?” Felix murmurs, his words already slurring. He nuzzles his cheek against Chan’s shoulder, shuffling even closer.
“Yeah, baby. Hyung’ll wake you.” Chan is so fond of Felix, his heart hurts. He hopes his breath hitching goes unnoticed when the younger man turns his hand and links their hands together with a content little sigh.
In front of them, Jeongin turns around — briefly, barely more than a few seconds, but his knowing smirk and slightly raised eyebrow is enough for Chan to avert his gaze with his ears burning hot. He hates being perceived in moments like this, but especially so by the maknae, mostly because he never says anything and that only makes Chan more antsy.
Felix is asleep in a matter of minutes, still holding onto Chan. He holds their joined hands up to the light, his chest inexplicably tight as he marvels at how much smaller Felix is compared to him.
It baffles Chan, how they’re so different, and yet they’re so similar that they fit together perfectly. Felix is Chan’s sun in the same way he’s Felix’s moon. Two halves of a whole. Yin and yang — a perfect balance of each other.
Soulmates.
“Mm, we’re here?” Felix murmurs beside him. Chan blinks rapidly, lifting his head and finding that they are, in fact, parked outside the dorm building already. He watches Felix sit up, stretching out an ache in his neck and then his gaze dropping to their hands, which Chan still has held up.
“Y-Yeah. C’mon.” He’s already swinging both their bags onto his opposite shoulder, keeping a hold of Felix’s hand as they get out of the car. Their manager notices but doesn’t say a word, simply flashing Chan a look that says everything that Chan has heard countless times. Be more careful. Don’t do too much. Think about your career. The group. Felix.
Felix is all he thinks about, and not in the way their biting words mean — poorly concealed discontent behind a slipping mask of good-natured concern.
Felix is half-leaning on him for the elevator ride up, fingers twisting into the cuff of Chan’s hoodie. He refuses to pull away, even as Jeongin makes a very pointed gesture to look down at their hands. Nor does he pull away as they make the short trip to the front door, down the hallway to Chan’s room. It’s only when the door closes behind them that Felix suddenly straightens up and pulls away, rubbing at his eyes.
“I didn't bring anything to sleep in,” he mumbles, letting Chan slip his jacket off his shoulders.
“Like you don’t just sleep in my hoodies anyway,” Chan giggles. He kisses Felix’s shoulder, then leads him in the direction of the bathroom.
Unlike his usual routine of being glued to Chan as they brush their teeth together, Felix lingers in the doorway this time. Chan doesn’t push it, thinking he’s probably too tired. He tries not to get too upset that tired Felix is usually cuddly Felix, tries not to spiral into that catastrophic thinking. Maybe he didn’t do anything, and Felix really is just too tired to act how he usually does around Chan. Or maybe things have changed.
Chan opens his arms for Felix once they’re under the covers, the younger sighing contentedly when he’s caged in. His lips are pressed to Chan’s bare shoulder, hair tickling his nose.
“What’s up, bubba?” Chan murmurs after a long while. He starts to think Felix has fallen asleep where he doesn’t answer, until he shifts in Chan’s arms a little. “You’ve been really quiet since we got on the plane back.”
“It’s stupid,” Felix whispers, his voice trembling. “Just me overthinking.”
“If you’re worried, it’s not stupid. What’s on your mind?”
Felix sighs, craning his head up to look at Chan. “What are we?”
Chan’s heart drops to his stomach, nausea making his head swim. He’s done well to avoid this conversation up until now, and has been grateful that Felix has never really wanted to bring it up either. They’ve been doing well without addressing it. But Felix’s tired eyes still hold a light in them that Chan can’t ever avoid.
“What’s brought this on?” He brushes the hair out of his sunshine’s eyes, fondness gnawing at him when Felix leans into the touch.
“S’just…” Felix trails off, hesitantly chewing on his bottom lip. “The kiss. On stage.”
Oh.
Chan knew they’d have to talk about it at some point. He simply wasn’t expecting it to be so soon. He swallows hard and nods for Felix to continue.
“When we talked in Australia,” he starts, referring to their impromptu trip home in 2022, “you said you wanted to be with me. That it’s all you want, but we’re at a point where something like that just isn’t feasible for the group. That things will only backfire on us. You pulled away for that exact reason, Chris.”
“I did,” Chan whispers. Hearing his words repeated back to him verbatim, reminding him of the pain he inflicted on Felix, makes him grimace. Makes him want to recoil out of disgust for himself. “I’m sorry, Lix. Nothing excuses the fact that I did that.”
“I know, love. It’s okay,” Felix reassures quickly. His eyes soften and he reaches up to place a hand on Chan’s cheek. “That’s not what I’m getting at, though. Just the fact that us being together—”
“Right now,” Chan interjects.
“—right now,” Felix nods, “was what you said. And then you go and kiss me on stage. Like, yeah, it wasn’t a kiss kiss… but it still meant something. Right? I’m not wrong that you meant it that way, yeah?”
If only he knew. Chan wants to tell Felix that everything he says or does is meant in that way, everything is a product of the overwhelming amount of love Chan holds in his heart for the man in his arms. But that seems like too much seemingly out of nowhere, so he just nods.
“Just wondered what changed. Why now?” Felix asks. He’s looking at Chan like he hung the very stars in the sky, the stars now reflected on his cheeks. Chan’s favourite stars. “If we aren’t allowed to be together, then surely we can’t kiss? ‘m not upset or anything, just a little confused.”
“I stopped giving a fuck,” Chan says matter-of-factly with a shrug. He breaks into a grin when Felix gives him a blank look, then shakes his head.
“Wait, what? Then…?”
“I’ve had to give up so much. I did give this up, for a long time, and it’s one of my biggest regrets. I don’t care what they think or say anymore.” Chan brushes a thumb over Felix’s cheekbone, his gaze softening. “I just want to be with you, Lix. Even if it’s not in the way I want, just the knowledge that I’m yours would be enough for me.”
“You are mine. You have been mine, since the very beginning. Since the day I got introduced to you.” Felix mimics Chan’s thumb stroking over his cheek, heart clenching when he notices the tears. “Same way I’ve been yours. My heart is yours, Chan, in every way it can be. You know that, right?”
Chan nods silently, tracing over his freckles. “Almost-boyfriends, yeah?” he lilts, echoing Felix’s whispered words from that night under the Australian night sky.
Felix laughs and nods, sliding up in Chan’s arms to bump their noses together. “Almost-boyfriends.”