Chapter Text
The world blurs around me in a swirl of different colors. It's hard to differentiate them as I lift myself again and focus all my energy on completing the routine running like clockwork across my mind, nor do I care. My arms feel the strain of gravity as my feet pick up off the ground, but I enjoy the breeze that sends the loose tendrils of my hair gliding over my shoulder or whipping against my face. The routine is as perfect as it's going to get the day before the festival. Everything will be fine. It has to be.
If anyone had told me that this was the fate I ended up signing my life away to, I would have laughed. Or perhaps cried in indignant belief. There had been a lot of change over the years- some harder than others, some not worth occurring, and others that had been years in the making. The Ming-Hua I had once been didn't exist in the same way she had when I first stepped foot into Awa. And if anyone was surprised the most by it, it was me.
It has taken time. All of this has. Had it not been for Ma and a few other valiant souls who had carried me on their backs when I literally gave up on moving a single inch in life, I doubt I would have come to this place of steady assurance. It was disgusting, remembering how weak I had been, how much I had blamed the world for making me powerless when I was the only one making myself out to be a victim after so much time. But with time had come space to clear my mind, soothe my soul, and revitalizing my bleeding heart to become a woman who took in her past with a grain of salt and the future with a heavy hand of reality.
Five years have passed since I had last seen Shin-ah and the others. Word came from time to time of their journeys throughout the kingdom and beyond, but not once had they ever made a reappearance back into my life. I know Ma missed them as much as I did- she often brought up Jae-ha the first few years we spent together and I knew that while she called him an insolent brat who was too flirtatious for his own good that she loved him as much as she loved anyone else on this planet. We felt their pain when the times were so dark that we feared their deaths and leaped for joy the moments we heard of their triumphs and the changing era being brought to these lands once ripped apart by plague, starvation, and power-hungry factions.
I saw that joy tenfold in the citizens of Awa over the years. These people who had once been shackled to human trafficking, deadly disease from trans-ocean fares, and inclement weather were beginning to feel the time of peace finally radiate over them as well. The once fervid prayers that came to the shrine had become less dire and less frantic with the masses as better control of the area began to take shape with a newly instated governor. We had all seen more than enough heartache in this lifetime. Now was the time to rebuild and revitalize.
If anyone would have told me that I would have remained in this port city as long as I had alongside being a priestess, the old me would have scoffed in mocking disbelief. The girl who could barely help herself, giving aid and instruction to those in dire straits? Impossible.
But here I was, practicing my routine for the main part in the festivities set to go on tomorrow night. As chief priestess of the shrine, it was my duty to channel the hopes, sorrows, and prayers our people wished for as the anniversary of Lady Yona ascending back to the throne came yet again. My dance embodied their journey and mine as well. There was more hope yet to be found on this earth. The darkness that once latched itself to every corner of this country was losing its foothold with each passing moment.
I settle to my feet and try to catch my breath, but the task soon proves impossible as a set of slow claps echoes on the seaside cliff around me. The shrine maidens know not to disturb me with so much hanging on the balance for tomorrow's performance. Ma is far too busy helping the other citizens ready the town for the day long festival, and gods know that none of the sailors had the audacity to peep on me without getting chewed out by one of the others. My stomach drops into the pit of my stomach as the claps end and no other clues come to alert me as to who my mysterious visitor is.
There's a muted rustle through the grass around me, and I jerk my foot back when a sudden warmth invades over my bare feet. It's hard to perform with shoes; after spending years of my life barefoot and on the verge of starvation, it seemed almost second nature to me even now. The feeling of the dirt beneath my feet steadied me. It reminded me from where I came and where I would return to once this life reached its end.
But when the warmth releases a sudden chirp of delight, the world that once stood still around me begins to spin in slow loops across my eyes. That noise... I knew it as well as my own name. But no. How could it be? Ao?
Sure enough, when I jerk my head down to look at the ground, a chubby squirrel is looking back at me. She has aged in the years- the coat once bright and soft had grown a little more coarse and faded- but those eyes are just as brightened by vivacity like they had been all those long years back. I can barely believe it is reality, but when she chirps again and sends her tail quivering about in excitement, I know the adrenaline racing through my veins has not conjured the creature out of thin air.
I dip down to the ground and cup the plump squirrel in my hands, laughing between tears of joyful remembrance as the warm weight registers on my palms. She hoists herself to my shoulder after I press a kiss to her head, and my laughter only rings louder as her body presses itself into the side of my neck. Oh gods, how many nights had this little creature been my companion when I first set out on the roads with the others? How many laughs had she brought to us all? And the joy she brought to Shin-ah, heavens k-
My heart stops.
Oh stars.
Shin-ah.
If Ao was here, then-
I roll my head back to take in the cliff, and my thoughts stop as a pair of golden eyes meet my own. The face is older, but oh gods, the bone-deep familiarity of it sends me weeping. The lean cheeks of early adulthood have now been broadened with age, giving the always masculine frame a steady visage to match up with. His hair is longer- I can see the beginning of a ponytail at the nape of his neck without having to squint. But it's him. Despite time, despite the regal outfit he's now clad in beneath the traveler's cloak sitting a little haphazardly over his muscular shoulders, it's Shin-ah.
My hands reach to clutch into my tunic, and I'm suddenly self-conscious of myself. My practice outfit of a dingy skirt and old tunic from my sailing days aboard Ma's ship suddenly look even more tattered, and my hair- I reach my hands to frantically smooth against the locks that run all the way down my back- must have been tangled in every direction from completing my dance. He must think me a savage now. My cheeks burn in mortification. So much for a spectacular first meeting.
But when his lips pull into a pleased smile that sends him chuckling, I find myself unable to breathe again. Shin-ah barely smiled, let alone laughed in the short span of time we had spent together. And to see him doing so now with such ease made me realize how well time has been to him in the span we'd been separated.
He opens his arms to beckon me to him, but my feet are frozen in place. I can barely think, let alone move with ease. My limbs have become like lead. Any command I give to move them elicits no response, and for a moment I fear that they never will work again.
The man lowers his hands as he walks forward. He's watching me- there's a question in his eyes allowing me time to tell him to stay away if I so wished it- but I can barely see as the tears begin again in joyful anticipation of his touch. He comes and holds me awkwardly at first, but the hug grows tender with each passing moment as he cradles me in his arms.
My limbs finally seem to obey me once his warmth seeps over my own, and I'm hugging him so tightly the muscles in my arms are screaming in pain. The material of his tunic wads underneath my hands curled across his back, and the tangible feeling that this really is happening sends me sobbing uncontrollably into his chest. Five years. Over sixty months of separation have come before this long awaited day has finally occurred, and I never want to let go for the fear that another sixty will have to pass for it to ever happen again.
There are so many things I want to tell him. So many stories, memories, and dreams that they all rush into one swarming mass of visions, feelings, and thoughts until I'm physically sick to my stomach. But as his scent hits my nostrils, the soothing smell calms my mind until I can do nothing but stand peacefully in this embrace I have prayed for almost every day since we have last seen each other.
“This isn't a dream.” The shaky whisper sends my hot breath seeping under his tunic. “Oh gods, please let this not be a dream.”
His arms tighten slightly against my body. “It isn't. I've come back. Like I promised you all those many moons ago.”
Only a strangled sound of agreement passes through my wobbling lips. Oh praise the stars, the heavens, and all the gods. The selfish prayer I always offered had finally come to fruition. It was more than I ever hoped for- sometimes more than I knew than I deserved when so many others needed happiness much more than I did.
I'm not sure how much time passes as we stand in this embrace long overdue, nor do I wish to keep track of the minutes steadily ticking away beneath my nose. There is far too much to think about, and doubly as much to do. All I wish is to forget the worries of the world and keep Shin-ah beside me forever.
He lets go to hold my hands in both of his. It's a little jarring to have him so physical with me, but the years must have given him time to come to grips with himself. The silent, aloof man who once cowered behind a mask no longer existed in such a manner. He had found his strength to look towards the future. And I only hoped that future still included me in some form or fashion.
“It's been so long.” His voice dips low in melancholy remembrance. “Too long. I'm sorry.”
I shake my head. “No need to apologize. Not now. There is far too much I want to hear fall from your lips than that.”
“Then tell me what you wish to know.” He squeezes my hands gently as he leads me to sit in the grass.
I sit on the grass beside him and look into his face when he releases his hold on me. Those beautiful aurous irises are sweeping slowly over my face; I wonder if he can tell how the years have affected me. Do I look much older? Hardened like the stony cliff around us, or cold like a harsh winter wind? Whatever it is, I hope it still settled well on his mind.
“Have you come on your own?”
He shakes his head. “Jae-Ha accompanied me. He too wished to return to Awa and reunite with the people who have lingered on his heart after all this time.”
“Ma will be so happy.” I mused with a content sigh. My eyes widen as I realize Shin-ah does not know who I'm talking about, and I quickly move to smooth over my mistake. “I-I mean Gi-gan. She's missed him very dearly since you all have left.”
“And he's missed her too.” Shin-ah snorts. “Though he won't admit it aloud.”
I smile. “Typical Jae-ha.” We share a laugh at his expense, knowing the man deserved a humored smile or chuckle at the way he always attempted to hide his true feelings from the world. “Anyway, how the others?” I fidget with my skirt. “Have you all lived to see this day?”
“Everyone is alive and well in Hiriyuu Castle.” There's no mistaking the pride in his voice. “Yona and Hak are ruling this country with a steady hand. Yoon is currently chief herbalist for the entire castle, and my brothers are continuing to do their part to serve our queen as needed.”
I clutch my hands over my heart. Everyone remains alive and well. Yet another prayer of mine has been answered. “Praise the heavens.”
“And it seems you are alive and well too.” He lifts a hand to my cheek. I can barely suppress the pleasant shiver that threatens to travel down my spine from the tender touch. “So our prayers have been fruitful in return.”
I smile at the dirt, so flustered by the relieved intonation his words held. I wonder if he worried on my behalf as much as I did on his. It feels wrong to ask.
“Will you be staying long?” I know this question is one that needs to be asked. Perhaps Yona has only allowed them a short time to visit. My heart clenches; gods know that I would not be able to bear it if he would be whisked away from me anytime soon.
He keeps his gaze on the sea beyond and offers a curt nod. “There is no rush to return on our behalf. You must not add any more burdens to your shoulders. It seems you have more than enough as it is.”
I know he means my position as chief priestess and the upcoming festivities. Is he angry that I've taken such a role in this community? No. I can't help but think he's proud that I managed to find strength within myself to help others in the best capacity that I can.
“Good.” I stand to my feet and give the sleeping Ao still curled on my shoulder a small scratch across the back. The squirrel gives a half-asleep chirp that sends my smile tugging at the sides of my face. “I am glad that we will have some much needed time together.”
I walk the short distance to retrieve my staff. The wood is polished and smooth, though the years of holding it have left the wood worn in the familiar crevices my hands usually rest at. At the top is a metal orifice a blacksmith down in Awa smelted for this staff solely. Within the metal circle rests the crest of the county and the symbol for perseverance. With the priesthood revitalized under the queen's reign, it feels like a badge of honor for being chosen to do what my soul had done a thousand years ago.
The bells that hang from just below the metal adornment tinkle in muted notations as Shin-ah keeps pace beside me. He is watching the path before us as I continue to take him in, so in awe that so much, yet so little has changed in the time we have been apart. The man I fell in love with is still there, though those attributes seemed to have been strengthened by the calm courage he now exudes. Perhaps the awkward compassion he offered was not there, but he still cared- still wished to protect me, if I was reading into this reunion correctly.
His eyes slide to meet mine, and I hasten to avert them to the forest where Jinju Shrine is located. The name came through trial and error as we repaired the old, abandoned building a couple of years back; like the pearl it was named for, after long, tiring years of being put under strain, the pressure strengthened it into something beautiful. No one thought the place was worth anything but attracting bandits or loitering groups to have a safe shelter on the outer banks of the port, and the call to tear it down came not long afterward. I spoke to Gi-Gan about it, tears brimming my eyes as I remembered the memories I had made in that place, and we begged the new governor of the port to let us reconstruct it with our own time and money. The man hadn't seemed to care, and the crew came together to gather supplies to bring this neglected place back to its former glory all for my sake.
But I returned that kindness tenfold to the citizens of the city. Women from the trafficking incident still had found it hard to receive jobs in the city, and those too poor or with families too large could not leave the port in search of employment elsewhere. I offered them solace in my shrine, teaching them valuable skills and a place to call home where the need to support anyone other than themselves was not needed. And they remained as my shrine maidens and kept this shrine alive for the better good of Awa's people.
A handful of them are airing out the festival outfits for tomorrow out on the clothesline to the side of the shrine as Shin-ah and I approach in silence. A few look at him, then at me, then between themselves with a small giggle. My gaze sharpens when they gaze at me again, knowing it wasn't up to our creed to have the girls acting like this. If they wanted to carry on and have a fun time, it was done behind closed doors once our duties for the people were over with for the day. While they were in our uniform of red skirts and pure white tunics, they would act under the heaven's decree, not their own.
I feel Shin-ah's eyes on me, and I turn to give him an apologetic frown. “You must forgive some of the newer additions to our shrine. They haven't quite gotten the gist of expected behavior when out in uniform.”
He gives me a look of pride. I feel my cheek burns- gods, of course he wasn't worried about the girls. Still, how could he find such delight in seeing this place strive? Did he too remember the beautiful times we shared here and find his heart moved to see it standing in the glory it deserved?
“They all are doing well.” He pauses when we come to the front of the shrine. His eyes drift across the two guards keeping watch at the path leading up to the building and a tiny glimmer of light catches as both Hyeon and Jeong lift their free hands with an exclamation of his name. The sailors had remembered the Dragon Warriors well in the time passed between this meeting and the last, and held them all with admiration in their hearts and minds. “You must receive the highest of praise for being entrusted their care.”
“I deserve no such thing.” I shake my head with a small smile. “The heavens have been far too kind to me. My only desire is to have it returned tenfold to those who need it much more than I ever did.”
The tender look he offers me has me threatening to dissolve into a puddle at his feet. The warmth of those mesmerizing eyes feels like a spring breeze after months of harsh winter chill. It says so much more than words could- I can feel its meaning flooding in through every pore of my body.
“You deserve far more.” His quiet remark comes after what seems like an eternity lost in our own world. “For that beautiful heart of yours is worth the universe and far greater.”
I flush so fervently that the heat seeps over the tops of my ears and down my neck. This man... who has given him the power to finally speak his heart with such poetry? Has his love for me been the key? Or has falling in love with some other woman on his journey open his body and soul to the notion of flattering words?
My stomach falls. Oh, how easy it would be to pretend that such a notion was foolish. But I can't- not without knowing what had happened in the numerous years we had been apart. He could have easily found another woman on the journey he has taken this whole time. And how could I find it in my heart to blame him?
“I must excuse myself for now.” I move to remove Ao from my shoulder, and the squirrel makes a sound of discontent but continues to sleep. I extend her out to him and give a tiny grin when she snuggles into his cupped hands. My eyes search his face as he places the squirrel into a pocket on his embellished tunic with gentle caution. “You will be back, won't you?”
He nods. “Until later, then.”
Hyeon and Jeong move in a direct beeline for Shin-ah once I'm safely inside the shrine. I try not to laugh as I hear their voices rise and fall in a animated sort of conversation. Gods know what they're bombarding the poor man within a matter of moments. Still, I'm sure it is a conversation they are all savoring. Who could deny them the pleasure of a meeting so many years in the making?
The girls know better than to ask me why I arrived with Shin-ah in tow, nor do I feel like answering their questions even if they find the bravery to pry into this newly unfurling situation. Part of me knows it is because I do not wish to divulge such personal details of my life or heart with them, while another knows it is because I am afraid I will not have the answer. There is still far too much uncertainty as to the reason why Shin-ah has returned. Was it merely to show that he was a man who honored a promise he once made to me? Or was it that and something more- something that reminded him of the bond of our souls shared in this life and another now long gone?
Chiao-Xing's memories had come and gone with the years just like they always had. Some were warm and blissful in the love she once shared with the first Blue Dragon Warrior, while others were so heartbreaking I wondered why this love within her soul had not forsaken him. It was hard at times to swallow them; I worried about what they spelled for my future with Shin-ah, if one really even existed between us in this lifetime.
Still, I knew the shrine maidens would not be able to hold their tongues forever. We all ate a communal meal when darkness fell and when dawn broke, and the long gatherings were usually conducted to either bring order to the day or dissect it once it was at its end. The hall is a buzz with noise as the twelve women excluding myself held quiet conversations between themselves. I heard them all in passing as I picked at my own serving of the meal, glad that they were all excited for tomorrow's festivities. We all had put such great effort into it to not wish to enjoy in the fruits of our labor.
“Ju-in,” I lift my head at the sound of my title. It is something that came in joking taunts from the sailors as we began our work on the shrine, but it had stuck as some of the women showed their respect for my position of leadership here. One of the younger girls is smiling as I gesture for her to pose whatever it is she wishes to speak to me about. “Is it true that man is apart of the royal household? That he is one of the Dragon Warriors who protects the queen?”
I nod. “He and another from the palace will be joining us for the festivities.”
The girls are all humming in excitement, though a few of the older ones who have lived through the crisis and my group seem a little subdued. I wonder if they vaguely remember Shin-ah or Jae-ha's tie to me. Perhaps they understand that this will be a new time for our city, palace, and monastic lifestyle. I see the question in their eyes and only shake my head with a small smile. They will not lose me; not just yet.
The sacred fire is lit when midnight hits, and as head priestess, I take first watch. The women are asleep in clusters all around me, and my lips curl at the peaceful innocence drifting through the air. How many nights have we all passed together? How many hours have we spent in each others company, laughing or smiling as the hope for another day dawned upon us? These women understood suffering and wished to end it in their own way. They would do good for Awa. They already had.
My mind wanders through the memories made in this place until ultimately settling on the time Shin-ah and the others had occupied this building with me. I could hear the faint tinkling of laughter we shared over meals while Hak provoked Ki-ja into another unnecessary argument, and the exasperated looks Yoon would give as he refilled our tea or served one of the men another serving of the meal. I remembered Yona's face flushed in giddy exuberance as the group around us interacted in such a humorous manner.
It proves impossible to not focus on Shin-ah in the memories I still cherished so dearly from our time together. My chest constricts as the worries from before return with vigor. Oh stars, how would I ever find the strength to listen to him tell me that there was someone more important in his life? Or worse, that he believed it best for us to never endeavor on in this life side by side?
Still, it seems foolish to blame him even if that is the case. He had no right to remain tied to me. The promise we had made all those years ago was forged when we both had been different people. I had no right to bar him from happiness if he had found it within another being. As long as he was alive and enjoying his life, deep down, I could wish for nothing greater.
I move to wake one of the older maidens for the next watch and take my spot among the group to attempt to sleep. Jung has already murmured for me to get some rest for the busy day weighing down on my shoulders, and I know she is right to offer me some motherly regard. She will do well as the next leader of this place should I ever leave. The shrine will not falter or corrode to the world's whim if placed in her hands.
Despite her warm wishes, I cannot sleep. All I can see is Shin-ah and our sudden reunion now almost a day old. My heart aches so terribly I know there is nothing that can calm its cries. The emotions rampant within me leave me nauseous and vulnerable. I have not felt this vulnerable to the existence of another person since they left. The feelings that flood my weary veins are powerful and equally as dangerous. I am afraid of how weak it will make me and how much it will revert the calm, assured aura I fought tooth and nail for this entire time.