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What could I say to him to make him finally see me as more than just a friend? He's been my one constant source of happiness in this otherwise dull and miserable life I live. Okay, that might be a bit of excessive to say. My life for the most part is pretty mundane, yes, but Soobin has been my source of happiness for the past four years I've known him.
From his terrible jokes, infectious laugh, to his bright view on life. He has been such a joy for me, and I'm terrified I'd ruin our beautiful and endearing friendship by confessing my feelings to him. But he sure as hell doesn't make not confessing harder when he says things that make my heart skip a beat or does something that has the feeling of heat on my cheeks.
He complements me in ways only a man who sees me as a women would complement me. He wants to spend every free moment of his day with me, whether that's going out on dinner or lunch "dates", going on staycations and seeing new things we would normally never be up to seeing, or just staying at either of our home's watching movies or playing games to bid the time or in complete silence on our phones or reading books in each other's presence. He doesn't care what we do, as long as we're together. Just us two, never any of our friends, never wanting to be more than just us two. Only us having our private shared moments of joy and happiness.
Messing with the keys on my lanyard, looking for one specific key to my best friend's apartment, a lilac purple rabbit key (a matching set to Soobin's sky-blue rabbit key) trying to hurry inside with our chicken and beer for tonight's movie night. Finally finding the key and placing it in the keyhole, the door suddenly opens, causing me to jump back.
"Fucking shit, you scared me half to death Soobin!" We both laughed at the expense of my scare. Still laughing to himself, he grabbed the bags of food and drinks, gesturing for me to come inside with a swing of his free arm. "Sorry, I didn't mean to. I was walking to the kitchen and heard your obnoxious lanyard of keys and keychains." Shaking my head and closing the door behind me, I hit his arm, "They are not obnoxious! They're aesthetically pleasing keys for important things and keychains of everywhere we've gone on vacation to match said keys"
With a shake of his head, he placed the bags on the counter and turned to face me. "You know, normal people don't have like a million accessories on them at all times, right?" Placing my purse on the opposite side of the counter, I shrugged my shoulders at his response. "Well, we both know I have a million and one accessories on me at all times," he laughed at that, "and that I'm not normal like other people, you of all people aren't normal either Soobin." Digging out my phone from my purse, I click on photos and go to my favorites folder and pull up a photo of Soobin and show him my screen. The photo is of him dressed like a Minion but with a dress on with 6-inch cowboy boots on. It wasn't even Halloween or anything like that, he just wanted to dress up like that is what he said.
Both of us laughing, he throws both arms up in surrender, "You're right. Damn, you'll never let me live that down, will you?" Laughing some more and locking my phone, I shake my head and grabbed a cup from the cupboard to get myself some water. We both know we have some very unflattering pictures and videos of each other. I mean, we've literally been inseparable since becoming friends. Soobin has videos of me sleeping on his couch, drooling like a baby who is teething and snoring like a 45-year-old man. Him in weird outfits or sleeping with his mouth wide open while I put food in his mouth.
Heading for the couch, we spread our dinner and drinks for the movie out on the coffee table and make ourselves comfortable. This week's movie is a rom com, chosen by our Google randomizer of a list of popular movies to watch. We like to keep things interesting and watch different genres of movies each week. Some weeks, like this week, it's a rom-com, other weeks it's a horror/thriller (which Soobin hates but watches them with me because he knows I love them), animated or cartoon like movies, or Sci-Fi movies. This week's movie is "My Best Friend's Wedding" starring Julia Roberts, Dermot Mulroney, and Cameron Diaz. After finding wear to watch the film, Soobin finally puts it on and we sit, eat, and enjoy watching the movie together.
"I could not be brave or bold enough to EVER tell my best friend who is getting married, that I'm in love with him! I mean, even if he felt exactly the same way I did and called off the wedding with his fiancé, I don't think I could ever live with myself or ever let myself be fully happy with him with that thought going on in my head 24/7." Soobin is eating some sour gummies, without ever taking his eyes off me, while I give him my take of the movie and rant about hypothetical situations.
"I would." He puts the gummies down and looks at me with an emotion I can't quiet put my finger on. "I mean, if it was you marrying some guy, I would totally want you to know. I wouldn't feel bad about it either." Heat rises to my cheeks at his statement. "I might feel a little bad if I knew the lucky ass hole who would marry you but if he was a complete stranger with you being our only shared connection, I wouldn't feel anything other than my feelings for you."
Sipping on my beer, I sit blanking out any coherent thoughts. I'm either completely wasted, or he is, because there is no way he boldly said he would do what Julia Roberts did in the movie. Laughing a little, I placed my beer back on the table and joked with him, "Well for starters, you'd have to be in love with me to confess something like that and secondly, I would..." his voice is smooth and confident as he cuts me off. "I am in love with you. I've always been in love with you."
My heart starts beating faster and slower at the same time trying to process his confession. He really must be drunk. I am mostly definitely drunk too, because this is crazy. I can't seem to look at his face. "You don't have to lie to me," I can hardly hear my own voice with my heart beating wildly in my ears. “Don’t joke like that Soobin, we don’t play around like that. We’re...we’re just friends, best friends.” My thumbs rubbed circles against the back of my hands, waiting for his laugh after he knows he tells a terrible joke. I brave a look at his direction, my breath catching as I meet his eyes. His eyes dark but somehow still full of...full of so much emotion. Tenderly gazing at me. A slight amusement dancing in his eyes at my baffled expression. Fear for admitting his feelings and possible rejection to his confession. And... love.
Love. So much love. How can I deny his feelings when he looks at me like that. He reaches his hand towards mine, lacing our fingers, gently pulling me towards him. “I didn’t want to tell you like this. I didn’t think I would tell you at all until I was certain...certain that you might feel the same as me.” He squeezes my hand, my hands sweaty with nerves, or is it his hand that was sweaty. He’s probably just as nervous as I am. “I wanted to tell you from the moment I first saw you but held back. You seemed oblivious to my flirting when we first met, and I sort of gave up.” HIs voice is soft and soothing as he explains his reason. “I think that what I needed and wanted from you, you weren’t ready for, so I patiently wanted to wait for you, or I guess tried to wait.” He rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand.
There are so many things running through my mind. I’m trying to find any memory of Soobin that proves what he said. My mouth is moving before I my brain has time to function, “I’ve always liked you, loved you, love you. I-” My words are cut off when his lips are suddenly on mine. Soft but demanding. Sweet yet unyielding to leave mine. Everything I’ve ever dreamed of. Everything I’ve ever wanted it to feel like.
I can’t fight it not feeling anything for him anymore. I don’t want to fight the feeling of not being with him, fight the way my entire being feels like it was made just for him, the feeling of every fiber in my body vibrates with happiness just being in his presence. I kiss him back with the same passion, wanting to never leave his embrace. This is the best night of my entire mundane life.
The kiss comes to slow end, his lips seeming to never want to leave mine, the same with my own lips at the feeling of his. He’s still stealing soft pecks on my lips, cheeks, forehead, any where his mouth takes him before pulling away to stare into my eyes. Were his eyes ever so passionate, so hypnotizing to gaze at? One hand reaches to cup my face lovingly, while the other finds my hand and molds to mine. “I can’t believe I finally got to kiss you.” His voice sounds as if he is stuck in a dream, soft and dazed, but fully aware of what’s happening. “You can’t even begin to understand how long I’ve waited to do that.”
I giggle and squeeze his hand while rubbing my thumb on his knuckles. “Actually, I do.” My voice is quiet and breathy. “I’ve wanted to kiss you since we first met but you didn’t seem like the type to like me. He’s shaking his head while removing our intertwined hands to fully cup my face between both of his warm palms. “How could I not like you back? I mean, just look how stupid I’ve made myself look in front of you to even catch a glimpse of your smile or to hear your obnoxious but cute laugh.”
My insecurities about my weight have always held me back. I didn’t think someone as tall, handsome, and skinny as Soobin would ever be attracted to me. It has held me back when expressing myself to him but thinking back on it, he never once let me miss out on any adventures together, or with our friends. He’s always been my biggest supporter, even if I couldn’t see it then. “I know but...I just...” His lips press gently on mine again, easing my nerves slightly.
“You are everything I could’ve ever dreamed of,” he kisses my right cheek, “You’re everything I’ve never known I needed till I met you,” another soft kiss on my forehead, “you’re everything I wished you to be,” he kisses my left cheek, “You are the reason I get up and want to be a better man.” His captures my lips once more in a passionate kiss. “I love you and will always love you in every single lifetime we share together.
I think I’ve died and went to heaven.