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Language:
English
Series:
Part 1 of The Curseproof Crew
Stats:
Published:
2025-05-21
Completed:
2025-08-22
Words:
29,975
Chapters:
17/17
Comments:
17
Kudos:
68
Bookmarks:
18
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1,848

Don't Kiss the Auror

Summary:

The war is over. But peace is political, fragile, and held together by fragile treaties and prettier lies.

Jeon Jungkook — retired Quidditch star, newly recruited Auror — is assigned to guard Assistant Secretary Kim Namjoon under the guise of being his very close friend.
It’s a fake relationship.
A classified mission.
A terrible idea.

But then again, so is falling for him.

Across the Ministry, Seokjin runs a cafe, breaks international law, and secretly happens to be married to Yoongi — who’s technically not even supposed to exist on official documents.

It’s love. It’s war. It’s probably violating several Ministry guidelines.

But at least they’re all curseproof.

(Except emotionally.)

Chapter 1: Introduction

Summary:

The casts and their bios. This applies to all works within this series.

(In order of appearance)

Chapter Text

🐍 Jeon Jungkook (Born 1991, Slytherin) – Retired Quidditch Star Turned Auror

  • Played Chaser for the Puddlemere United (number 7). Retired after a cursed injury in mid 2017-2018 season and transitioned into fieldwork.
  • Now an Auror. Exceptionally skilled in wandless defense and high-risk combat magic.
  • Physically lethal, emotionally squishy. Sleeps shirtless.
  • Both highly intuitive and perceptive.
  • Seokjin’s younger brother
  • Slytherin with a Gryffindor heart (thanks to Seokjin. or no thanks?)
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Rowan — excellent for defensive magic, wards, and physical resilience
    • Core: Dragon Heartstring — raw power, great for duelists
    • Length: 10½ inches
    • Flexibility: Supple
  • Patronus: Wolfdog (a mix of wolf and husky) — loyal, protective, independent but pack-oriented; symbol of strength, instinct, and fierce love

🦁 Kim Seokjin (Born 1986, Gryffindor) – Espionage Auror / Café Owner

  • Jungkook's older brother. A legend among Aurors for his charm, stealth, and terrifying ability to neutralize a dark wizard mid-conversation over tea.
  • Owns a Korean cafe near Diagon Alley, which is also a Ministry intel drop-point.
  • Disarms people with dad jokes before literally disarming them. Secretly funds resistance cells in Eastern Europe.
  • Secretly married to Min Yoongi
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Cherry — elegant and powerful, often misunderstood
    • Core: Veela Hair — unpredictable, passionate, dangerously charming
    • Length: 12 inches
    • Flexibility: Whippy
  • Patronus: Peacock — proud, magnetic, regal; used as a distraction during missions (and dates)

🤫 Min Yoongi (Born 1987, Ravenclaw) – Unspeakable / Potion & Anti Curse Specialist

  • Works either at the Time Room or Thought Chamber, Department of Mysteries. Rumored to have created a potion that bends memory, but no one can prove it.
  • Drinks five cups of bitter black tea daily. Lives in a warded flat filled with enchanted clocks and talking shadows.
  • Gives Namjoon cryptic advice in ancient Latin that sounds like a curse but turns out to be therapy.
  • Dry. Dangerous. Looks like he’s always judging you (he is). Quietly married to Kim Seokjin. Secretly soft. Accidentally charismatic
  • Knows EVERYTHING
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Elder — extremely rare, suited for great and mysterious power
    • Core: Thestral Tail Hair — only chooses those who’ve accepted death; very rare
    • Length: 13 inches
    • Flexibility: Rigid
  • Patronus: Panther — silent, fierce, intelligent; defends what’s his without hesitation

🐍 Park Jimin (Born 1989, Slytherin) – Muggle Relations & Diplomacy Liaison

  • Bridges the magical and non-magical world. Fluent in seven languages and emotionally fluent in eighty-five.
  • Frequently mediates disasters caused by rogue spells in muggle areas — has negotiated peace treaties in stilettos.
  • Was Jungkook’s roommate at Hogwarts. Still his chaos manager. May or may not have dated a French vampire diplomat once.
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Ebony — for those unafraid of the dark, strong-willed and graceful
    • Core: Dragon Heartstring — passion, intensity, showmanship
    • Length: 10 inches
    • Flexibility: Slightly rigid
  • Patronus: Swan — graceful but deadly, fiercely territorial and devoted; symbol of elegance, poise, and quiet strength

📚 Kim Namjoon (Born 1988, Ilvermorny – Horned Serpent) – Ministry Official & Wizengamot Advocate

  • Assistant Secretary for International Magical Cooperation; sits in on international summits, security talks, and global magical policy negotiations.
  • Junior Member of the Wizengamot Advocacy Chambers — focuses on magical ethics, minority protections, and dark magic law reform.
  • Has a photographic memory, an unreadable poker face, and a thing for Slytherin Aurors who smile like they want to hex him (looking at you, Jungkook).
  • Brilliant. Overworked. Emotionally constipated.
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Black Walnut — rare, for those with powerful insight and an instinct for truth
    • Core: Phoenix Feather — versatile, fiercely independent
    • Length: 11¾ inches
    • Flexibility: Unbending
  • Patronus: Grey Heron — solitary, observant, graceful under pressure; associated with diplomacy, calm intelligence, and hidden strength

🧚‍♂️ Jung Hoseok (Born 1988, Ilvermorny – Pukwudgie) – Healer at St. Mungo’s

  • Specializes in pediatric and cross-species healing. Runs free clinics for house-elves, goblins, and low-income families.
  • One of the most requested healers due to his bedside manner and ability to calm even a banshee in heat.
  • Great researcher
  • Best friends with Namjoon. Always knows when Namjoon's lying — or falling in love.
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Dogwood — playful, loyal, unpredictable, best with creative spells
    • Core: Unicorn Hair — stable, gentle magic, especially good with healing
    • Length: 9¾ inches
    • Flexibility: Springy
  • Patronus: Golden Retriever — sunny, affectionate, protective; defends the weak with reckless joy

🦉 Kim Taehyung (Born 1989, Hufflepuff) – Care of Magical Creatures Professor / Animagus (Eagle Owl)

  • Lives on Hogwarts grounds with three rescued hippogriffs, one melancholic kelpie, and an over-affectionate manticore cub named Popcorn.
  • Animagus form is a large eagle owl — perfect for sneaking out to Hogsmeade for hot chocolate and low-key espionage for Jin.
  • Students love him. Staff are scared of what he’ll bring to staff meetings next.
  • Wand:
    • Wood: Hawthorn — suited to those with internal conflict, healers, and beast-bonded magic
    • Core: Phoenix Feather — unconventional spellwork, creative instincts
    • Length: 11½ inches
    • Flexibility: Twisty
  • Patronus: Eagle Owl (matches his Animagus form) — watchful, wise, solitary but loyal; sees everything, moves in silence

Lani Kusuma (Born 1992, Gryffindor) - Kim Namjoon's Assistant 

Harry Potter (Born 1980, Gryffindor) - British Head Auror

Hermione Granger (Born 1979, Gryffindor) - Deputy Head of Magical Law Enforcement and Senior Minister, Future Minister for Magic

Ron Weasley (Born 1980, Gryffindor) - Management of Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes

Viktor Krum (Born 1976, Durmstrang) - Former Quidditch Star/Bulgarian Head Auror

Ethan Belanger (Born 1990, Quebec-based Whitestar Academy of Magic/Académie de Magie de l'Étoile du Blanc)
Former Wimbourne Wasps Chaser/Jungkook’s ex-boyfriend)