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Music pumps, low and angry, from the stereo in Shauna’s room. The lyrics fill the silence as she pulls on a shirt, checks herself in the mirror, and rifles through her closet for something else to wear. She looks in the mirror again, picturing herself through different eyes. Frowning slightly, she shuts off the music, grabs her backpack, and leaves without looking at herself a third time. She couldn’t stomach it if she tried.
It doesn’t take her long to get outside, to get to her car. The second she turns the key, her hand flies to the radio dial, spinning it until something halfway decent drifts from the speakers. One deep breath in. One deep breath out. The song balloons her chest and she closes her eyes, hands on the steering wheel. School and soccer and Jackie. A silent mantra of the day ahead, keeping rhythm with the song. School and soccer and Jackie.
Positioning her foot on the gas, she opens her eyes and pauses. A small brown rabbit sits in the road, blocking her path forward. Eyebrows pinching together, Shauna rolls the driver’s side window down and leans partially out. “Hey! Go on, go!”
The rabbit sits a moment longer, ears twitching at the sound of her voice. Slowly, it looks in her direction, never quite making eye contact, before finally hopping away. She watches it until she sees it reach the lawn of the house across the street and lets out a short exhale. Killing a bunny is not on her list of the day’s activities. And so, as the white tail of the rabbit disappears into the slightly overgrown grass of the lawn, Shauna pulls away from the curb in front of her house.
A woman’s voice carries an off-kilter tune as Shauna stops, staring out at the large house at her side. It is everything middle class opulence should be. Well-groomed bushes, a clean facade, and a beautiful girl standing in the open doorway. Jackie waves brightly, pulling the door closed behind her. The smile never leaves her face as she makes for the car, a slight bounce in her step. Shauna’s heart clenches as the passenger side door swings open and Jackie slides in with perfect hair, perfect eyes, perfect lips.
“Can I stay at your place tonight? Your folks won’t mind, right?” Jackie asks as way of greeting.
Shauna’s lips twitch into a small smile as Jackie gets comfortable, throwing her bag into the backseat and adjusting the music. Something Top 40s plays, replacing the angry woman from before. Getting back on the road, Shauna nods, “Yeah, they won’t mind.”
“Thanks. I swear it feels like my parents have been up my ass about this test coming up. So, I figured we maybe study a little and then watch a movie or go to a party,” Jackie grins and grabs Shauna’s arm, lightly shaking it. “Something fun!”
“It’s a Tuesday,” Shauna replies, shooting Jackie a look out of the corner of her eye.
“And?”
“And who’s gonna throw a party on a Tuesday?”
“Randy.” Pulling out a tube of lip-gloss, Jackie turns the rearview mirror so that her reflection fills the whole view. So she’s all Shauna can see. “Yeah, Jeff told me about it last night. Apparently Randy wanted to have it tomorrow so it was a middle of the week thing, but his parents are getting back from a business trip or something. So, tonight’s really the only night he could swing it.”
Readjusting the mirror, Shauna looks straight ahead. Stomach churning, she nods, “Of course it’s Randy.”
“Oh come on, it could be fun! Plus, maybe you two could make something happen.”
“Me and Randy?”
“Think of the double date potential. Me and Jeff, you and Randy,” Jackie tilts her head, wide smile plastered across her face. Like she can picture it already and it looks beautiful. Some scene from an episode of Happy Days where they all share the same strawberry milkshake.
Turning into the school parking lot, Shauna lets the scenario play out in her own mind. Her and Jackie sitting across from each other at some cheap diner, nothing as wholesome fifties as Happy Days, with Randy and Jeff at their sides. It’s almost perfect. Almost. The image solidifies, warped and fractured by what could be but isn’t. She can see the truth of what a double date would mean. Jackie and Jeff making out on one half of the booth while Randy stares at her expectantly. Taking a sip of her milkshake and tasting every sour note. The performance of a lifetime as she feigns smile after smile in Randy’s direction, letting out strained laughter at his jokes that she’s tuning out. She shakes her head gently, “I don’t know…”
“Please,” Jackie leans forward, big eyes going soft at the corners as she juts her lower lip out ever-so-slightly, “for me?”
And, because Shauna can’t say no to her, she simply nods once. The movement is slow and hesitant, an alternative for the yes that she can’t push through her lips, but Jackie grins with all the brightness in the world just the same. Her stomach heats at the sight and she forces her gaze to the steering wheel in front of her, taking it one breath at a time.
Mere moments later a distraction arrives in the form of Laura Lee at the passenger side window, bending over so she can wave at the two of them. Her eyes are bright, hair a golden mane of light beneath the morning sun, and her mouth is moving with muffled words.
Rolling down her window in response, Jackie turns a confused, pinched expression toward Laura Lee. “What was that?”
“We’re not going to first period. Coach Martinez sent me to round up everyone. Well,” she pauses, her smile gentle and sweet, “he sent me and Misty.”
“Is something wrong?” Shauna asks, ducking her head to meet Laura Lee’s eyes through the window.
“No, everything’s fine! He just has some announcement to make and needs everyone out on the field.”
Twisting in her seat, Jackie reaches for her bag in the back. When she turns back, she smiles at Laura Lee, hand resting on the handle of the car door. “Okay, we’ll head to the field. Thanks for letting us know.”
Waving once more in goodbye, Laura Lee backs up, squinting slightly against the sun that’s slipped down her face into her eyes. “See you out there!”
Climbing out of the car, Shauna one step behind Jackie, the two girls cross the parking lot. The school watches them in the near distance, but they pass by, making their way to the soccer field on the far side. As they walk, Shauna sneaks glimpses of Jackie. If Laura Lee looked like she had a halo of sunlight wrapped around her head, then Jackie looks like she’s been lit from the inside. Her whole body glows beneath the warmth of it, too bright to look at for too long. So, Shauna follows her footsteps with her eyes for the rest of the trek to the field.
“What do you think coach wants to talk about?” Jackie asks as they reach the edge of the grass. She angles herself closer to Shauna, their shoulders just barely touching, her hair catching on the slight breeze and brushing against Shauna’s neck. “Like, it must be something important, right? For us to miss all of first period.”
Shauna cracks a smile, tilting her head at the tickle of Jackie’s hair. Knocking her lightly aside with her shoulder, she shrugs, “You want me to guess what goes on in Coach Martinez’s head? I don’t think Coach Scott could even tell you what he’s thinking.”
Adjusting the straps of her bag on her shoulder, Jackie raises her arms in false surrender, laughing brightly. “Good point.” She pauses, grins, and continues, “Hey, do you think he talks to his kids in soccer plays and metaphors?”
A bark of laughter bursts out of Shauna and she stares at Jackie, eyes crinkling. Taking a moment, she leans forward, voice lowered conspiratorially, “What if it’s not just his kids he talks to like that? You know… in the bedroom, telling Mrs. Martinez that they’ve almost reached the goal. They’re two points away from glory.”
“Oh my god!” Jackie shoves Shauna away from her, laughter engulfing the two of them as their paces slow. “Shipman!”
“What? You’re the one who brought it up!” Shauna says with a faux defensiveness, eyes going wide and innocent. “I was only following the thought to its natural conclusion.”
“Its natural conclusion did not have to be in Coach’s bedroom!”
Shauna shrugs, grinning like a jackal.
They’re still laughing, giggling and leaning into each other when they reach the benches where half the team sits scattered. Shauna settles onto the end of one bench and Jackie perches next to her on the grass. A sobering desire fills Shauna, quieting her laughter, as she watches Jackie pull some of her hair away from her face. Her fingers itch at her sides, begging to run gently through Jackie’s hair, to braid it like two little girls at a slumber party learning how to arrange one piece over another over another. And it’s made all the worse by the fact that she knows she can. She can reach out and touch her, like she has so many times before. Because they were those two little girls. Somewhere inside they still are. But she thinks of Jeff and she knows it won’t be the same as it was all those years ago. So, she swallows and tucks her own hair behind her ears instead.
“What’s so funny?” Van asks, dropping her voice. Looking between the two of them expectantly, eyebrows raised, a smirk pulls at the corners of her mouth.
“Soccer,” Jackie answers quickly, sharing a small look with Shauna. Her eyes sparkle, filled with silent laughter.
“Right,” Van nods, smirk growing, “soccer…”
But if she wants to push the topic further, she doesn’t get a chance as Coach Martinez emerges from the gym with Coach Scott and Misty not far behind. The three travel the short distance and Coach Scott gestures for Misty to join the other girls. With her smile as wide as her face will allow, Misty stands by the benches after a moments hesitation, gaze stuck on coach’s face. And the way she watches coach, like a puppy dog waiting at the door, makes something hot and oily stir in Shauna’s stomach.
A hand wraps around hers and Shauna looks over at Jackie. Quietly, Jackie asks, “Do you think this is about Nationals?”
“I don’t know,” Shauna answers, giving Jackie’s hand a light squeeze. A few other girls are whispering to each other around them, but she can’t make out what they’re saying. From the hushed tones and the furtive glances thrown in Coach Martinez’s direction, it’s easy to guess that their conversations are following the same concerns.
Out of the corner of her eye, Shauna sees movement on the far end of the field. She follows it, tracking the small blur in the distance until she can make out what it is. Small and brown, a rabbit runs from the grass, disappearing into a bush along the perimeter. She almost points it out to Jackie, but it’s gone before she can. And she’s back in the moment, listening to everyone worry about what coach has to say.
“I mean, the spots aren’t all filled yet, so it can’t be that… Right?” Suddenly, Jackie’s eyes go wider and her grip on Shauna goes tighter. Lowering her voice even more, she hisses out, “You don’t think it was canceled, do you? Shit… The first time we have a shot at getting there and it’s canceled!”
“It’s not canceled.”
“You don’t know that!”
“Jackie,” Shauna smiles softly, inching closer to her, “coach hasn’t said it was canceled. He hasn’t said anything yet. We still have a shot.”
Nodding slowly, then faster, Jackie meets Shauna’s eyes, her face calming. “Right… We still have-”
“Circle round and listen up!” Coach Martinez calls. The sound of his voice silences the rest of the team and they all settle, waiting for what comes next. There’s a brief pause as the few remaining stragglers join them, shepherded by Laura Lee. Coach Martinez nods briskly, placing his hands on his hips. “Alright, now that we’re all here, I have some information concerning Nationals.”
The worried conversation that had quieted at his words starts back up in full force. One voice rises above the rest, aimed at coach himself, as Mari asks, “We didn’t get a spot, right?”
“I’d appreciate it if there weren’t any interruptions,” Coach Martinez starts, shooting a pointed look in Mari’s direction. She shrinks back slightly and Shauna leans forward from her spot on the bench to catch Mari’s eye. Once she does, she offers her a small, sympathetic smile. The corners of Mari’s lips twitch in an attempted smile of her own, but she looks away quickly, opting to stare at the ground. Shauna sits back, Jackie’s hand still clutched in hers, as coach continues, “The deciding games for Nationals haven’t finished. So, until we play our final qualifying match, we won’t know if we have a spot. Now, as far as that final match goes, we aren’t going up against the Pistons anymore.”
“Then,” Natalie begins, jaw set as she meets coach’s gaze, as if daring him to call out her questioning, “who are we playing against?”
He watches her a moment, expression a mask of neutrality, but he doesn’t call her on it. And Shauna notices Mari whisper something to Akilah with a heavy frown, her heart tugging at the sight. Coach Martinez doesn’t notice the break in the silence or, if he does, he doesn’t say anything.
Instead, Coach Scott steps in, a half-formed smile on his mouth and his eyebrows pinched together, “Good question, Natalie, we will be playing against the Sabertooths from Northrich.”
A collective groan erupts from the group. Again, the silence breaks.
“We’re fucked,” Van mourns from her spot next to Shauna.
And then, on Shauna’s other side, Jackie adds, “No shit.”
Putting his hands out to gain control of the situation, Coach Scott nods contemplatively. “I know this isn’t the news you were hoping for, I know it makes the fight for Nationals even more intimidating, but you’re a strong team. You understand each other out there, on the field, and that’s important. That means you can still win this. You just have to practice a little harder and learn to trust each other even more.”
“And that extra practice starts right now,” Coach Martinez says, picking up where Coach Scott left off. His eyes narrow, like he’s fighting against the sunlight as his gaze sweeps across the girls. “I got permission form the principal to instate secondary practices leading up to this game. They will take place first thing, just like today, and you will come to the field instead of your homeroom classes. I trust that this will not interfere with your classwork and that you will continue to give your all to the team and your academics. I want you girls to go to Nationals. I want you to win the whole thing. Do you want the same?”
A chorus of ‘yes coach’ and ‘we do’ and ‘let’s win’ fills the early morning air, loud and raucous and suddenly hopeful. Shauna laughs bright and clear into the wind, her voice getting swallowed up in the cacophony. Looking at her teammates she can’t help but grin. Because they all want this. They all want to belong on this team and with each other and at nationals. They’re Yellowjackets through and through, no matter the reason they joined the team.
Jackie may have gotten her there, but they both belong the same. Captain and player. Teammate and teammate. Yellowjacket and Yellowjacket.
-
“I don’t know why I agreed to this,” Shauna groans, staring at her reflection.
“Because you love me and you’d be utterly lost without me,” Jackie responds, voice muffled from her spot in the closet.
“Right,” Shauna turns from the mirror, pulling the edge of her dress down. She casts a quick look in the direction of her closet, trying to think of anything other than the way the dress sits like a second skin. If she closes her eyes, she can pretend they’re somewhere else, she can pretend they aren’t going to a party at Randy’s. But she doesn’t close her eyes. And she can’t forget her dress. Her stomach flips and her heart squeezes, as she finishes her thought, “that’s why.”
Poking her head around the closet door, Jackie grins, a pair of black Mary-Jane’s hanging from her fingers. Moving toward Shauna, she takes a few steps forward and another back in a semblance of dancing. Her free hand reaches out, finding Shauna’s, as she spins under Shauna’s arm. Breaking into a jingling laugh, she rests her forehead against Shauna’s shoulder, the shoes brushing against Shauna’s leg. Breath ghosting along Shauna’s skin, Jackie says, “Come on, it’ll be fun! We’ll have fun!”
Slipping the shoes out of Jackie’s hand, Shauna breaks away and takes a seat on the edge of her bed. The tension in her body eases slightly as she pulls on one shoe, flicking glances at Jackie. Thinking about the party again, she pictures them dancing together, surrounded by a sea of drunk classmates. And this time she doesn’t have to close her eyes to see it, because she can still feel Jackie’s hand in hers, Jackie leaning against her. It’ll be fun, her mind echoes. And, like so many things, she hears it in Jackie’s voice plain as day. The same as if she had repeated herself.
“Just…” Shauna pauses, weighing the words. They sour on her tongue. But she forces them out, feeling juvenile as she does, “Don’t leave me alone?”
Dropping down onto the bed, both girls rock slightly from the movement. Jackie cocks her head, smiling softly as she slowly nods. “Like I said, we’ll have fun.” Then she places her hand in the air between them, pinky finger out. “I promise.”
Shauna takes it in her own, linking them together.
“I promise,” Jackie repeats reassuringly.
Nodding, Shauna smiles and pulls back to finish putting on the shoes. Fully dressed, she pushes herself up from the bed and offers her hand to Jackie, who takes it happily. Already knowing the answer, Shauna asks, “Do you think there’ll be any good music?”
“Mmm, depends on your definition of good.”
“So, no.”
Jackie grins, “Yeah, no. But it should be good for dancing.”
Faltering momentarily on their way out, Shauna can’t help but think that maybe there are other qualifiers for what makes music good.
-
Cars are already lined up and down the street around Randy’s house when Shauna pulls up. Craning her neck, she scans the darkened road for a free spot, but sighs when she realizes every possible inch of space is taken. Even the lawn directly in front of his house is littered with cars. She wants to take it as a sign, turn around and go home. But she’s never really believed in signs and Jackie looks so excited in the passenger seat. So, Shauna drives a little further, taking a right, and finds an area to park on the next street over.
Still, she waits a breath after turning off the car and catches Jackie’s eye, “You ready?”
Jackie squeezes her hand, smiling sympathetically, “Are you ready?”
Shifting in her seat, Shauna lets her eyes roam over the cars she can still see from her parking spot. Her heart beats in time with music she can’t hear but knows is already pumping, filling Randy’s house with a tempo that can barely be shouted over. Is she ready? Ready to be surrounded by people she can’t remember the names of, dancing like the world is about to end and they don’t care who sees. Ready to smell like shitty beer and secondhand smoke. Ready to watch Jackie and Jeff whisper in each other’s ears like their the next coming of Romeo and Juliet.
Steeling herself, Shauna peels her eyes away from the cars, looking at Jackie again. Ready to dance in that mass of sweaty bodies, drunk on that cheap beer, whispering in Jackie’s ear because the music is too loud to shout over, but just loud enough to whisper under. She smiles back and she knows it’s a little uncertain, but it’s genuine as she nods and finally answers, “I’m ready.”
“Good! Let’s get going!”
-
The inside of the house is dim, lit only by lamps with fabric thrown over them. It casts the walls in glowing shades of purple and blue and it takes Shauna a moment to recognize the fabric as sheer scarves. Her eyes rake over the rest of the living room and it’s simple décor. In any other lighting it would be beige and eggshell with warm brown couches, but in the coloration of the scarves it’s too hazy to feel ordinary.
Shooting Jackie a bemused look, she tilts her head slightly and asks, “Scarves?”
“They were my idea,” a voice sounds behind them and Shauna’s skin prickles.
The two girls turn, Jackie’s expression morphing into something brighter, almost too bright for the darkened room. It’s different than the way she looks at Shauna, sharper edges and wider eyes, like she’s trying to take him in all at once. And Shauna can’t bring herself to look at him at all. She’s seen too much of him. She should never have looked to begin with.
“They were not,” Jackie contests, draping her arms around Jeff’s neck. Glancing back at Shauna, still hanging off of Jeff, she grins, “I had the idea last time we were here. People do it in movies all the time and it always looks so… moody, I guess. So, I suggested it to Jeff.”
“And I remembered. So, really it was a joint effort.”
“Whatever,” Jackie says, her smile tinging the edge of the word.
“That’s cool,” Shauna replies, voice low. Crossing her arms across her chest, she nods in the vague direction of the kitchen, “I’m gonna grab a drink.”
She doesn’t wait for Jackie’s response or to see if her best friend detaches herself from Jeff, she simply leaves. Navigating her way through the party, Shauna avoids at least two drinks being spilled down the front of her dress, somehow managing to find the kitchen without getting a drop on her.
Grabbing a cup from the stack at the edge of the room, Shauna goes further in, but people cluster around the bottles lined up along the kitchen counter, blocking her way. Sighing, her arms go slack at her sides, the cup hanging limply from her hand. Nobody looks up, nobody notices her presence or makes a space for her. She’s stuck on the outside, just trying to get a drink.
“I don’t want mine, if you want it? I haven’t even taken a sip, I swear,” Misty offers, appearing at her side.
Taking a step back, Shauna stretches a strained smile across her lips. She places her own cup back on the counter, risking a quick glance behind her. Through the mesh of bodies, she can see Jackie and Jeff swaying slowly, and, when she turns back, she takes the cup from Misty’s hand. “Thanks.”
“Are you here with Jackie?” she asks, following Shauna’s previous line of sight.
“Yeah, we came together.”
Nodding, Misty grins, pushing her glasses up on her nose. “That’s nice. I think most of the team is here. I mean, I saw Tai and Van out back. And Lottie was around here…” She swings her head around, searching, but gives up shortly, “somewhere?”
“Did you come with anyone?” But Shauna knows the answer. The real question she wants to ask, the one that feels too mean to say out loud, is how did Misty even know about this party? Anyone from the team could have told her, but would any of them?
It takes a second for it to register. Jackie would have. Jackie would have told everyone on the team, including Misty. And Shauna’s heart squeezes.
“Not really, no,” Misty says, finally.
“Oh, okay,” and because she can’t figure out what to say next, Shauna takes a large sip of her drink, scanning the room again. The faces meld together, becoming a blob of people she should recognize but she’s never taken the time to get to know. Some are making out, leaning against the walls or scattered across the chairs. Some dance, loose and sloppy. And others talk, heads bent low to hear each other. Every once in a while her eyes will snag on a face she does recognize. Lottie slipping through the living room to a hallway. Nat sitting in one of the darker corners, laughing at something a dark-haired guy is saying. Mari and Akilah singing loudly along with the song filling the house, their movements haphazard. Slowly, she takes another sip and finds some words for Misty, “Are you having fun?”
Blinking, Misty stares at her for a second too long. Her eyebrows start to pinch, but she smiles again instead, “Yeah! I’m glad I came. It’s nice seeing everyone outside of practice.”
“Well, if we make it to Nationals, we’ll all be together for a while.”
“Right!” Misty perks up, nodding emphatically. “It’ll be like living in dorms.”
“Yeah, I guess it kind of will.”
“And we could play games or watch a movie or something!” She grabs onto Shauna’s arm, shaking it lightly and causing the drink to slosh around, not quite spilling over the side. Her voice lowers and she leans in, like she’s whispering a secret she doesn’t want the world to hear, “You guys can do it, I know it. You’ll make it to Nationals.”
Shauna’s eyes roam over the planes of Misty’s face, taking in every inch of her eager expression. And, slowly, she smiles back. “Thanks Misty.”
Nodding once, Misty grins, eyes landing on someone in the distance. She lets go of Shauna’s arm and starts to slip away into the crowd. “I’ll see you at practice?”
“Yeah, see you at practice,” Shauna returns, leaving in the opposite direction.
Sliding doors sit in front of her, framing a picture of small groups of people and distance from the cloying smell of alcohol and sweat. She makes her escape, sitting on the wooden steps of the deck, swilling her drink around. Her own face reflects up at her from the murky beer, distorted and tired. Sighing, she tears her eyes from the liquid and gazes across the backyard.
From her spot on the deck, she can see Tai and Van talking closely, partially obscured by the thick trunk of an oak tree. The thought of joining them crosses her mind fleetingly, but she watches tai laugh and cover her smile with her hand, and thinks better of it. Instead, she downs more of her drink, staring at the grass and the bushes surrounding the yard like they’ll tell her what to do next. She can’t leave and she doesn’t want to go back inside. So, she’s stuck on the steps, listening to the muffled music as it switches songs.
Her eyes drop back to her cup just as a small rabbit darts out from under the deck, speeding across the length of the yard. Weaving between the meandering footsteps, the rabbit stops by the bushes separating Randy’s property from the neighbor’s and Shauna starts to stand. Attention glued to the rabbit, she steps onto the grass, setting her cup on the deck railing.
“So, this is where you disappeared to…” Jackie’s voice sounds behind her and Shauna pauses, turning around. Smiling openly, Jackie stretches her hand out between them. “I thought we were gonna dance.”
“You were busy,” Shauna says, struggling to keep the bitterness from her words. She casts a quick glance over her shoulder, but the rabbit is already gone.
“Oh, come on, I’m never too busy for you.”
“Where’s Jeff?” And she knows how she sounds. Insecure and jealous, like she has some claim to Jackie. She doesn’t, she knows she doesn’t. But neither does Jeff.
“He’s getting a drink. Look, I’m really sorry, I didn’t mean to ditch you. I should have come after you immediately, but,” she steps down, offering her hand again, “I’d still really like to share a dance. If you still want to, that is.”
Eyeing her hand, Shauna shrugs and takes it, the hint of a smile twitching on the corners of her mouth. “Yeah, I want to.” Then, with a smirk she adds, “I guess.”
“Wow, okay! If that’s how you feel, we don’t have to,” Jackie retorts, the grin never slipping from her face.
Shauna’s laughter joins hers, pulling herself back onto the deck, the two of them still connected at the hand. She lets Jackie lead her back into the too-loud house and through the crowd of people still pressed too close together, not stopping until they reach the middle of the living room.
Jackie moves closer, draping her arms over Shauna’s shoulders the same way she had held onto Jeff, and Shauna finds her hands migrating to Jackie’s hands. The beat of whatever song is playing pulses through Shauna’s body as they sway softly from side to side. Pressed together, she can feel the warmth of Jackie’s body and it reverberates through her, heating her cheeks in a way she hopes isn’t visible in the dim lighting of the room. But she isn’t willing to pull away, to lose that warmth.
“Do you ever think that maybe I shouldn’t be captain?” Jackie whispers, leaning in so Shauna can hear her.
Pulling back without breaking contact, Shauna stares at her. Eyebrows creasing, she shakes her head slowly, watching the gentle insecurity play across Jackie’s features. She moves back in, struggling to find the right words to encompass all of her thoughts. Unable to find them, she says the only thing she can think to, “I don’t understand.”
“It’s just- If we make it to nationals, it won’t be because of me. And, if we don’t make it to nationals, it’ll be because I’m not a good enough leader.” Shaking her head, she rests her temple against Shauna’s, words ghosting along Shauna’s cheek, “I don’t know how to lead.”
“You do, you’ve been leading us this whole time. And, win or lose, we’re doing it as a team. It isn’t all on you, Jackie. It never was.”
“You’re just saying that to get in good with the captain,” Jackie laughs and Shauna can feel her smile.
“Well, that’s only because you’re a really good captain,” smiling back, she separates them from each other enough to be able to look Jackie in the eye, “Seriously, you keep us together. You keep us from killing each other sometimes.”
“You mean it?”
Holding her fist up in between them, pinkie out, Shauna nods, “I would never lie about this.”
Jackie takes Shauna’s pinkie in hers and laughs. “I think maybe I’m a little buzzed.”
“I think maybe we both are.”
“I love you. You know that, right?” Jackie watches her imploringly, their fingers still linked.
“I do.”
-
The cacophony of the party rings in Shauna’s ears in the quiet of her room. Slipping into her bathroom, she stares at her reflection. Taking in the way her makeup has smudged around her eyes and her hair is weighed down from the humidity of too much body heat in too-confined a space, she sighs and splashes cool water over her face. It does little to wipe off the evidence of the night, but she isn’t ready to wash it away just yet.
“I’m sorry you didn’t get to talk to Randy,” Jackie calls from the other room. “I asked Jeff where he was, but he had no idea.”
“It’s okay. I had fun,” Shauna says, sparing one last look at her reflection. Her eyes look soft and tired, but a small smile rests on her face. She had fun. Because she didn’t have to see Randy. Because… because she got to dance with Jackie.
Leaving the bathroom, she sees Jackie sprawled on her back on Shauna’s bed, legs dangling over the side. She turns her head lazily at Shauna’s entrance, the corners of her mouth lifting.
“You know, I was talking to Misty at the party,” Shauna starts, perching next to Jackie on the bed, “and she was saying how Nationals will be like living in dorms, but I think it might be a little more like this. Like a long sleepover.”
“How many of us do you think will be stuck in one room?” Jackie asks with a laugh, pulling Shauna back so she’s lying down too. “Because Misty might be right.”
“Could be a crowded sleepover,” she amends, facing Jackie.
“Like a birthday party,” Jackie’s words come out hushed, their faces close now that they’re lying next to one another.
“Right, like a birthday party…”
“Shauna?”
“Yeah?” Heart pounding, Shauna examines the striations of colors marking Jackie’s eyes, counting the various hues in an effort to steady her breathing. But her breaths come out shallow and she tenses slightly, scared to find out if movement will startle the moment away.
Jackie props herself up on her elbow, leaning closer still. “I think I’m still a little drunk.”
And because she would take table scraps from Jackie if she offered them, Shauna simply says, “That’s okay.”
Shifting slowly until she’s positioned over Shauna, their noses nearly brushing, Jackie watches her, waiting for something. The seconds tick by slow and thick and Shauna reaches up, tucking Jackie’s hair behind her ear. And that’s all she needs. Their lips connect in a studied, languid rhythm. They know this. They know each other. And Shauna has the aftertaste of the cheap beer in her mouth, but she can’t tell if it’s from her or Jackie. Hands tangled in Jackie’s hair, she lifts her head slightly, rising into the kiss.
Jackie pushes her back down, slowly, gently. And then she pulls away, leaving Shauna reaching. She blinks against the light of her room, taking in the way Jackie’s hair is mussed on one side. The way her lips are pinker than before, even though her lip gloss is now spread across both of their mouths. She can see every effect she had on Jackie, every little change in her facade, but she knows she can’t have her back. Not now, not yet.
“When you find a guy you like,” Jackie says, voice low, as she sits back down and runs a hand over her hair, “you should do that. He’ll like it.”
Swallowing down the bitterness in her mouth, Shauna nods, straightening herself up too, “I will.”
And that’s it. That’s always it, in some way or another. Jackie excuses herself to the bathroom and when she comes back, showered and dressed in pajamas, she looks the same as she always does. Like Shauna’s best friend. Nothing else.
Shauna takes her turn in the bathroom next and, aside from the slightly glossy sheen to her lips, she looks the same as when she saw herself before. She hasn’t changed. They haven’t changed.
They never do.
-
Sunlight breaks through the window, landing in a strip across Shauna’s face. Covering her eyes, she rolls over, taking a moment to wake up and prepare herself for the day ahead. But her mouth feels like cotton and the sun burns even through her eyelids. So, she waits a few seconds longer, listening to the birds outside.
After her head settles somewhat, she gets up and adjusts the blinds so the sunlight doesn’t disturb Jackie, fighting the urge to comb some of her hair back from her face. Instead, she focuses on the window and the view outside. The grey birds resting on a branch, chattering among themselves. The way a light breeze ruffles the leaves. And, stomach dropping, the small brown rabbit caught in a bear trap, struggling against the confines of the metal teeth.
Heart hammering against her chest at the sight, she hurries for her door, not daring to wake Jackie. It would only scare her to see the rabbit like that, imprisoned and bloodied in the jaws of the trap. And Shauna knows she doesn’t have the stomach for it, couldn’t help even if she had the purest of intentions to do so. Because she can’t do what might need to be done, even if the idea pains Shauna too. Which is why she leaves her, sleeping peaceful and unaware, as she runs out, quickly pulling her shoes on at the back door.
She wastes no time in crossing her backyard, making for the fence separating the two properties. But, even as she runs, she can see the rabbit slowing, its movements twitching out in shuddering spurts. She doesn’t stop, doesn’t slow until she’s on her knees beside the trap.
The breeze picks up again, cooling her face where tears have started to stream down her cheeks and ruffles the fur of the small rabbit’s body. The effect is almost that of breathing, but she knows better.
Sobs wrack her frame as she folds into herself, wrapping her arms around her middle. A plaintive cry rips out of her throat but there’s no one around to hear her. Jackie is still inside, blissfully unaware of the tragedy unfolding in front of Shauna, and her parents have already left for work. It’s only Shauna and the frail body. She’s the only mourner. The only one who knows what’s happened.
She stays like that for awhile, sucking in shuddering breaths in an attempt to regain control of herself. The tears slow, but they don’t stop, as she straightens slightly and inches closer to the bear trap. Placing her fingers carefully between the teeth, she pulls at them, bringing them flat again. The rabbit now freed from their grasp, she lifts it carefully from the metal, her hands already stained red.
Settling it back on the ground, she stands and turns, trudging back to the house. It doesn’t take her long to find a shovel.
The grave is identifiable only by the fresh dirt and a small flower replanted from her mother’s garden.
Her hands are marred by blood and soil, but it isn’t until she’s back inside that she does anything to wipe it away. She scrubs at her face too, trying to erase the tears and the redness in her eyes. But it’s all still there. She is Lady Macbeth and this is her crime. Being too late.
With leaden feet, she makes her way back to her room, curling herself into Jackie’s still sleeping form. The other girl stirs beside her and, voice raspy, quietly asks, “What time is it?”
“We’re going to be late for school,” Shauna says in lieu of an answer, speaking softly in an effort to keep her voice even.
“Do you think coach will kill us if we skip?”
“Probably.”
“We should anyway,” Jackie murmurs, her arm snaking around Shauna.
And because the rabbit is all she can see and Jackie is all she can feel, Shauna nods, a warm tear slipping down the side of her face. She laughs lightly, the sound choked, “I mean, you never did study for your test.”
“Exactly.”
“We’re sick,” Shauna supplies.
“Deathly,” Jackie agrees.
“Maybe we can see a movie later.”
“Maybe,” Jackie says noncommittally, her words coming out slow and sleepy, “What do you wanna see?”
“I don’t know, something happy.”
Warmed by Jackie’s body heat and the few errant rays of sunlight still breaking in through the window, Shauna lets herself relax. She’ll check the grave later, make sure it hasn’t been scavenged. But for now, she needs to sleep, see a movie, go to the mall. Do anything ordinary. For now she needs to live in the space where they don’t change. Because nothing dies if nothing changes. And she and Jackie know too well how to stay the same.