Archive of Our Own

Lavender couldn’t believe it. Her hands ran over her face, rubbing the scars magically healed months ago. Still, they itched no matter what she did, and all it did was leave Lavender with the feeling of wanting to tear off her skin and finally scratch whatever was growing beneath it. 

She knew what it was; everyone did. It was remnants of dark magic, trapped beneath the surface and constantly driving her mad. Fenrir Greyback, the beast that attacked her, had been an idiot. He’d also escaped custody. 

Lavender sat at the old building of her elementary school, hidden away in the Muggle World where she could heal. She’d been sent here after her magic had almost exploded with a simple spell. It was normal, all of the nurses said. She’d been through something traumatic. Mother had left on a cruise with some women she had fallen for, which was fine with Lavender. She liked being alone, especially looking like this. 

“You’re out here again?”

Except her beautiful, stunning, overly-kind girlfriend never let her be alone. 

“Padma, babe, really?” 

“Hey, I went looking for you, and you weren’t in the house. The only other place you could be is here.” Padma sat down beside her, her butt on the uneven grass and her feet rubbing against the faded asphalt. The chain-link fence stretched and locked behind them, shaking and clanging in the wind. Lavender had grown up in this little town. She had gone to this school, made friends, and eventually left. It had shut down two years ago, but Lavender didn’t care. The playground was still put together. 

“You ever miss being a kid?” Lavender asked, laying her head on her knees. Across the lot was a set of climbing bars, their red paint chipped and faded with time. Across from it was an old metal slide that seemed to groan with Lavender’s weight. Surely, she’d break it if she went down it now. 

“Not really. I didn’t have a normal childhood, not really. My sister and I stayed inside too often and never really made any friends.” 

“Why?” Lavender looked at her girlfriend, blue eyes curious. Padma shrugged, meeting her gaze with a soft smile. 

“I didn’t like girly stuff. Neither did Parv, for that matter.” 

“Shove off, will you?” Lavender laughed, linking her fingers with the other girls. Lavender had always been teased for being too feminine, but that changed after the war. She couldn’t wear the same clothes or makeup she had before. Fenrir’s claws had ripped out her hair, too, and she was stuck with short hair she didn’t care for. It took all the joy out of dressing up when she had nothing to actively dress up. You could put a slaughtered swine in a wedding dress, but in the end, you were still marrying a dead pig. 

“You okay?” 

Lavender shrugged, looking ahead again. A swing set, missing one of its seats, creaked lazily as the breeze passed. The sandbox was half-filled, with more dirt than sand now, with a few plastic shovels and broken toys buried in its corners. Long ago, children ran in every direction, shouting, chasing, pretending, but now it was empty. Too empty. It reminded Lavender of herself. 

“Part of me wishes I hadn’t survived,” she admitted in a whisper so quiet it could have been the wind. Padma squeezed her hand. 

“I’m sorry, Lav.” 

“Is that selfish of me?”

Padma didn’t answer, and Lavender didn’t need her to. Near the fence, a row of plastic tricycles lay forgotten under a tree that dropped crunchy leaves in the fall and sticky seed pods in the spring. Lavender remembered how she would paint the tree with dyed water and chalk, calling it a masterpiece. 

“I want you to live, Lavender.” 

Did Lavender want that? Her gaze fell on the old white wall with faded murals of rainbows and stick-figure children painted along one side. It had two broken drink fountains sticking out of the side, but behind that, two girls stood and grinned, their little stick hands holding each other tight. One was blonde, the other was brunette, and they looked happy despite being weathered and ruined by rain and wind. 

“I know you do.” Lavender swallowed. “I know.” 

“Just take it one day at a time,” Padma leaned her head on Lavender’s shoulder, eyes shut tight. “Please. That’s all I can ask.” 

Lavender kissed her head but didn’t answer. She didn’t want to make a promise she couldn’t keep.