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Kevins skin was tight, it wrapped around his shoulders like a too small shirt. His ankles ached in his socks and his knees were popping with every movement he made.
He has been cold the whole day, but at the same time his blue tee was soaked with sweat and sticked to his back.
He texted Neil and they met between classes in the bathroom stalls. Kevin sat down on the disgusting toilet lid and Neil combs his fingers through his hair and scalp without touching any other bodypart of Kevin.
At the end of the break Kevin jumped and rushed back to his classes.
Neil was texting Andrew – sometimes the ginger actually used his mobile phone – to prepare him for Kevin’s state.
At home, Kevins last class was cancelled, he sat down on the couch and leafed through some magazine. Riko was standing behind him, leaned on the back of the couch and observed the pages Kevin was reading.
Soon he put the magazine away and put on the TV, Riko moved in order to sit right next to him. Their shoulders were touching.
He didn’t say a word – which would have been hard considering Riko was six feet under – but he followed Kevin into the kitchen and eyed the glass of juice. Under the hard look Kevin set it aside and only drank a bit of water. Together they sat down infront of the TV again, then they moved anxious up and down the living room.
Kevin was feeling Riko behind him, his eyes pointing at the swirl his hair was making at the back of his head. Suddenly he turned around and threw the glass across the room where Riko was standing. It broke, covering the floor in shards.
Wearily a sigh left his body, but finally he was alone again. Collecting the glass he cut himself and just as Kevin was cleaning the wound Neil and Andrew came home from college.
„Kevin“, Neil greeted him, moved next to him and let his hand float above Kevin’s. He shook his head and Neil moved aside, giving him some paper towels, a band-aid and space.
Kevin felt the eyes of his partners when he moved back to the couch, Riko next to him, before putting on some documentary about sharks.
Silently Andrew started cooking, something healthy with a lot of chicken, and Neil was sitting at the table reading the same Exy magazines Kevin and Riko were reading before.
They ate in the living room, the dirty dishes standing on the small table.
„Kevin“, Andrew mumbled, fixing the other man with his eyes and waiting a few seconds, „Yes or no?“ The taller one didn’t move his eyes from the screen but considered the questions a few moments. „To what?“ „Whatever is fine.“ Kevin stayed silent a few seconds, then shrugged. It was Andrew – the man he trusts most. „Neil was massaging my head this morning. That helped.“ At least for a few minutes, but he didn´t add that.
Riko and Andrew were changing seats, Riko was sitting besides him now and looked at him intensely, Andrew moved behind the sitting Kevin and caressed his head. After a few seconds Riko left and the only body next to Kevin was Neil sitting on the couch, his legs crossed beneath himself.
Minutes moved by, sometimes hours, and they all sat on the couch. Kevin in the middle – which was unusual, since normally he was placed at the left corner, his long legs wrapping around and above his partners.
Neil watched him from the side, his eyes lingering on the queen. It’s his favourite part of Kevins face, because it meant Kevin chose himself. But today the tattoo didn’t made Kevin hotter, it made him look sickly: the black ink was a heavy contrast to Kevins pale skin. His hair looked dull in colour, he was shivering, but there was sweat on his neck. „We should go to bed“, he said and Andrew agreed by standing up immediately. „What about the two of you are taking a shower before that?“, he suggested and Neil and Kevin agreed, moved to the bathroom together.
Andrew knew his boys and he was able to read Kevin like nobody else could. At breakfast he noticed the tremor in his fingers, the weight pulling down his shoulders, the twitching of his nose. Andrew knew that Kevin needed comforting and gentle words: the opposite of Neil who needed harsh reality checks. It was a trait that showed in there reationship aswell: Kevin might be an asshole, he likes to bark orders and to nag, but he is a loverboy without question. He puts every fiber of himself in his relationships, he was surprisingly gentle, in need of good harmony and this love was the only thing that helped him on bad days. At first it was hard for Andrew and Neil to help him, considering they both liked to be reminded of their sorroundings with harsh words and orders – for Kevin they needed a little bit more patience.
Neil brushed his teeth in silence and looked at Kevin through the mirror. His boyfriend had the body of a Greek warrior, even when he was standing anxious and crooked under the shower. The redhead spat the toothpaste into the sinks and allowed himself to stare a few minutes. „You sleeping with me this night?“ „No.“
The boys had moved two of the beds together in order to sleep all in one bed, but the one free bed was always taken – mostly by Andrew, who needed his time alone and chose the bunkbed. Sometimes the managed to sleep all together: Andrew pressed to the wall, Neil in the middle, Kevin pressed to Neil.
Today Kevin climbed into the free bed, usually Andrews bed, who was sitting in the big bed already. He eyed Kevin, looked to Neil which moved next to him and shrugged his shoulders. „Remember to wake us up if there is anything at all“, Neil says to Kevin above them, because Kevins tends to just start crying silently till anyone might or might not wake up and cuddle him. „I’m fine.“
Of course Kevin wasn’t fine at all: around four o clock the whole bed shook when Kevin sat up rapidly. His partners woke up immediately, but Kevin still whispered their names. At least Andrew thought that at first when he moved around Neil and climbed up Kevins bed.
He then realized Kevin was saying something in Japanese.
Neil turned on the light and looked to Kevin, who wasn’t able to breath.
They didn’t understand a word but the meaning wasn´t hard to grasp – at latest when the name Riko left Kevins beautiful lips.
Andrew stretched his hands towards Kevin and said his name twice. „Kevin.“ His tone was calm but fierce and he didn’t got any reaction. At least Andrew didn’t: like hearing something Kevin turned his head to the door.
„I think he is outside“, he said in English, seeming to notice Neil and Andrew, „waiting for me.“ „We locked the door, Kevin, he can’t be outside.“ Reminding Kevin of Rikos death wasn’t wise – they tried multiple times during one of his panic attacks and it always ended badly.
„Look at me“, Andrew requested, but Kevin still glared at the door. „Kevin.“
Neil opened said door and Kevin reacted like he would see Riko.
Which he didn’t, he really didnt, but he couldn’t help himself.
His breathing hitched even more, got even faster, and he moved his hand over his heart like it was hurting. Which it did. „I can’t breathe“, he pressed out, his voice raw and suffocated. Andrew crawled closer, Neil closed the door quickly. „Kevin“, the blonde said, his voice calm but Neil was able to hear the stress: it was in the way he was speaking, harsher and louder like he would speak to Kevin in such state, „we are alone. Just you, me and Neil.“ Kevin was able to find Andrews face with his eyes but he couldn’t fixate on anything. He tried Andrews nose but concentrating was impossible. „Andrew“, he whimpered, reached towards him with his hands and Andrew took them.
„Neil get the drops we got from Abby“, he said, holding onto Kevins hands, unsure what to do. He has seen Kevin in bad states but usually they didn’t got this bad. Yeah, sure, a few times it was even worse but it was the exception.
And it endend always ugly.
He didnt knew what to do but he knew at the same time there wasn’t anything he could do: only waiting till the meds worked and waiting it out.
When Neil was coming back he pushed the small bottle into Andrews warm hand and Andrew shifted closer to Kevin, till their chest were touching. Softly he peeled his other hand out of Kevins grip, put it to his neck and slowly guided it backwards. Now he was able to feel the shaking, he felt the cold sweat beneath his fingers, the tense muscles. Kevins lips were a bit open, maybe to breathe better, maybe to make it easier for Andrew, and he opened the bottle and dropped a bit on his tongue.
Kevin retched, hot spit was filling his mouth but he fought it back. He noticed everything around him, the whole time – he noticed Andrews fingers in his hair, Neil fidgeting with the fringe of his shirt. He knew his lips must be blue, that he was shivering. He knew Riko wasn’t here, he couldn´t even feel his presence. Kevin knew he shouldn’t breathe this fast, that he was having a panic attack. But he couldn’t change anything about it.
He crawled out of Andrews reach, towards the edge of the bed, and he nearly fell down the ladder. Neil catched him, his arms were around his body but Kevin continued to move forward.
His boyfriends in his back he stumbled towards the bathroom, he was heaving again, and he only made it to the bathroom door, till the chicken was on the floor. Kevin panicked even more – if that was possible – and Neil was feeling a strange feeling in his stomach aswell. Maybe because the chicken looked really disgusting but more likely because of Kevins condition. Andrew guided the taller man to the toilet and they both sat down infront of it.
Kevin was fighting the bile in his stomach and the rest of his contents stayed down. His body trembled under Andrews fingers as the man stroked his back in a calming manner.
Exhausted he just fell back, lay limp against Andrews body, who jumped under the sudden touch, but moved his arms around Kevin. His breathe was getting back to normal, his lips were turning pink again. „I’m so sorry“, he pressed out and he meant it – Kevin was sorry for the sudden touch, he was sorry for waking them up, he was sorry for daring to have a panic attack even though he had it better than Neil or Andrew ever had it. „Don’t be.“ And Andrew meant it aswell – Kevin shouldn’t be sorry for the sudden touch, he shouldn’t be sorry for waking them. And especially he shouldn’t be sorry for having his own demons hunting him down once in a while.
Neil was coming from the kitchen with a bottle of water, eyed Andrew to see if he was comfortable, which he was, and opened the bottle. Kevin reached it for it but he was shaking so strongly Neil simply put it on his lips and tilted it upwards. Again he pulled out the bottle from Abby – the other ones were on the floor mixed with the chicken – and Kevin opened his mouth wide.
Tired he let his head roll back and Andrew combed his fingers through his hair. Kevin knew Riko was far away but he also knew he would come back – because he always did. Kevin started crying a bit, no energy left in his body to hide.
Riko was his brother, his better half, his nightmare. Riko was the promise he made and the promise he was given.
„You wanna take a quick shower?“, Neil asked and is was a valid question: Kevin was disgusting. His body was sweaty, his mouth tasted like acid. Over the years Kevin developed an alarming obsession with hygiene. „Shower“, he answered, pushed his body forward and stood up.
Slowly and shakingly he undressed himself while one of his boys turned the water on and the other one started cleaning the floor. They waited in the bathroom, watching Kevin while he showered and brushed his teeth. You never know when the second panic attack was coming and the three men haven’t been strangers in a long time.
Together they lay down in bed: Andrew close to the wall, Neil towards the edge of the bed and Kevin in the middle. He was laying on his back, watching the dark wood of the empty bed above him as Neils fingers ran through his hair. Kevins hair and his scalp was incredibly sensible: during sex, during cuddles, during panic attacks.
„Whenever we were fighting and there where people with us Riko only put his hand in my hair.“ Neil stopped as he heard that and watched the other one, „as soon as we were alone again he grabbed it and pushed me against the wall and… why would you stop?“ Neil put his hand back and Kevins nose twitched – it was only a memory wandering through his mind. „I’m glad I got it back.“
Andrew put his hand in Kevins hair aswell, twisting one of the dark strands around his fingers. „You think you can sleep, Day?“ Kevin nodded. „Abbys stuff is working.“ Which meant his brain was getting foggy and his eyes heavy.
„Are you gonna stay with me?“ „Of course.“