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Jo remembers when he was 5 and ate a peanut. 5 year olds don't know better than to eat an unpeeled peanut. So he had choked, of course.
The countless parenting books his mother had on a shelf in her bedroom finally seemed to make sense when she pulled him into herself with fists locked over his chest.
Jo had survived that day. He still remembers the feeling of his life slipping away starkly though.
The dry shell of the peanut pierced the inside of his throat and he couldn't even gasp. He wonders if that's what muffled his voice.
He never ate a peanut again. Went as far to lie about having an allergy. One particular boy had been making his allergy flare up though.
It started small, peanut sized.
Fuma had returned from a snack run for the group. His bangs stuck to his forehead from the June weather taking its toll. He emptied the contents of the bags onto the coffee table as he sat back down.
He'd bought peanut crackers. Jo's heart sank just a little.
He could feel a peanut shell at the back of his throat. Maybe he should've gotten used to not being noticed.
His eyes remained fixated at the coffee table. Until, he felt a tap on his shoulder and saw a flash of green from the side of his eye.
Yuma quietly nudged a chocobi into his hand. When he looked up, Yuma was already looking the other way.
To him, the chocobi tasted like care. He chewed on them silently until it filled his lungs and buzzed in his fingertips.
He started noticing the little things. His thoughts lingered on snaggle teeth and cat eyes.
And then it only grew. And the singular peanut sized feeling now had a hard shell.
But Jo was allergic to peanuts. So he stayed away from the feelings that threatened to claw at his throat.
3 months in, he realised he had been foolish enough to assume that he could stick to his sense of normality.
He doesn't know when loving Yuma had become a part of normality.
He looked at the shark cat mofusand figurine on his table and the chocobi wrappers in his trash can. Nobody but him knew about the single folded chocobi wrapper at the back of his drawer.
The mofusand seemed to mock his existence with its beady eyes.
It was just supposed to be a little crush but now whenever his eyes met Yuma's or their fingers touched, he could feel his airways closing, the allergy flaring up a red rash on his cheeks.
It was Yuma that asked him first.
They had gotten caught in the rain on their way back from getting coffee. The sun was setting as they watched from the shed they'd taken a cover under.
The pink of the sky seemed to blend into the pink of Yuma's lips. His hair was stuck to his forehead, dripping tiny drops that slid onto his cheeks and formed tiny pools in his collar bones. Yuma's hair was a dirty blonde with black streaks, like a peanut, he thinks to himself.
"Do you like me?"
"No" he says
Because I love you, he doesn't continue
And there's the peanut allergy again.
He thinks he sees a flash of green in Yuma's bag. He doesn't say anything.
Yuma doesn't reach for his hand again the whole walk back. Probably disgusted by the obvious lie he told. Disgusted by his feelings.
They reach home drenched. He hears the squeak of Yuma's wet converse against the floor and the thud of a door. And then -
Silence.
It has been silent for a week now. Surprisingly, his peanut allergy seems to have gotten worse. Nowadays, he can't sleep at night without losing breath.
8 days of silence later, he finds Fuma.
He's sitting on his bed in a tank top and pants with pokemon all over them. A pack of peanuts lies opened next to him as his fingers tap away at his switch.
He makes his way to the bed and folds himself into a ball. His head rests on Fuma's right thigh and he folds himself into a cocoon around his leg. He can see Togopi judging him from the other thigh.
Togopi and Pikachu and Charmander seem to blend into one singular blob of colours as his vision goes blurry. He wonders if the peanut allergy had gotten bad enough to cause watery eyes.
Fuma doesn't acknowledge his presence except for the hand that runs through his hair silently.
He feels a little apologetic when he sits up and sees bulbasaur soaked in his tears.
Fuma's hand is still in his hair, his bicep straining now that Jo was sitting up. His switch rested on the side table now as he looked at Jo with gentle eyes. Jo felt like crying just a little bit more.
"It's Yuma isn't it?"
He doesn't reply, doesn't have to.
Fuma silently raises a peanut to his mouth.
"I'm allergic to peanuts" he says. The lie falling smoothly from his lips.
"Are you though?"
Oh. Maybe Fuma had noticed more than he thought.
"I am scared of peanuts. I choked on one when I was 5"
"Have you tried peeling them?"
He opens his mouth to say something but-
he hadn't
Fuma puts something in the pocket of Jo's night shirt and pats it.
"Go talk to him"
But it's easy to say if you haven't eaten the peanut whole. When you haven't felt the choke of your windpipe as it struggles to pull in air.
That night he dreams of a soaked bulbasaur that pummels him to death and a peanut haired boy with shark teeth.
It's 2 days later when he steps into his room and sees a chocobi on his table and he pats into his pocket to take out the singular peanut Fuma had given him. It feels like it's scrutinizing his cowardness.
It's with his fist closed around the peanut that he steps into Yuma's room.
Yuma's room is bathed in darkness, a single panda night light shines on the table next to his bed.
The yellow light catches onto the blacks of Yuma's eyes as they glimmer like stars on a cloudless night.
His allergy is flaring up again and it's getting harder to breathe.
"I don't like you" he blurts out
He can see the shock flicker on Yuma's face and then his face scrunches up.
He can feel his breath growing shallow and his fingers trembling. He thinks he sees the moisture at the corners of Yuma's eyes. He feels his mother's fists on his chest again and he still can't breathe and he opens his mouth.
"I love you"
He draws a full breath.
And another.
The confession blends into the walls and entangles itself into Yuma's sanrio blanket and the tears finally roll over.
Rejection curls deep in his chest and can allergies cause stomach aches? He turns on his heels to step out of the room. Back into his bubble, away from peanuts and sharks and cats.
The grip on his shirt stops him in tracks.
Yuma tugs a little harder and then Jo starts to fall face first into the bed until Yuma's arms make him sit back up.
And -
They are close.
So close that he can name each constellation he sees in Yuma's eyes.
"You're an idiot, you know. Can't you complete your sentences properly?"
"But-" his words are cut off by lips connecting with his own.
He blinks. And blinks again.
He tries to breathe through it but his eyes are a little wet and his nose is a little clogged.
"Oh Jojo. Come here"
That's the final punch to get the peanut out. And with each sob comes a warble of words
ImsorryImsorryImsorry
He keeps mumbling into the crook of Yuma's neck
"I love you too" Yuma whispers
He sobs and he gulps for air until his lungs feel full of Yuma and his brain melts to the ground in a puddle.
In the puddle, he sees a shark cat swimming happily.
1 month later, they sit in front of sunny window. Yuma stretches out his limbs like a slightly overgrown cat. His skin shines in the afternoon sun, eyes focused on the peanut he's trying to peel.
His nail paint chips at edges but the peanut doesn't budge. Jo grabs the peanut from his hand and peels it for him.
He brings the peanut to Yuma's open mouth and pulls it away, only to pop it in his own mouth.
"Don't you have a peanut allergy?"
"No. Maybe just a Yuma-llergy."
And then he's getting pulled down by his collar and getting kissed on his mouth. Well, he thinks his mouth is what Yuma aimed for, but between giggles and eyes crinkled with mirth, all they manage is to nuzzle their noses.
He sees a bulbasaur at the end of the hallway, but his mind feels like it's made of peanuts and chocobi.
He feels breathless when he comes up for air and his cheeks seem to have a red bloom.
Maybe he does have a Yuma-llergy after all.