Work Text:
Eddie couldn't quite believe how right it all felt. It should have been weird, probably. He had confessed, after all, and he knew Buck felt the same. Even if Buck hadn't told him what ought to be the most romantic words ever adressed to Eddie - or to anyone, really - he would have figured it out by now. It was in the way their eyes would find each other, no matter where - out grocery shopping, on a call, back at home. They were two polarized magnets, and Eddie could feel the pull, the raw energy that linked them both. Nothing had changed, really. They still lived together, in their house. They worked together. They... were together. They hadn't discussed it, and nothing major happened - no matter how much they both wanted it to. Eddie could feel it buzz under his skin sometimes, when Buck would smile at him like he somehow was the sun, the tide and the stars combined. It was like an itch he reveled in. Buck would be chatting with Christopher, beaming, and it would take his breath away. He wasn't sure how it happened, who decided he got to have this, but he was grateful. The world had finally started turning again, after a year of stalling. It was still hard sometimes. They had bawled their eyes out when Chim had uncovered the plaque he had installed for Bobby, back at the station, once they got home. But they did it together. They cried, and they held on to each other so that the storm wouldn't tear them apart. They lied in bed together, facing each other on their sides, limbs tangled together likes vines, eyes imbedded in the other's, breathing each other's air, wiping each other's eyes, and it felt like healing. The pain was still raw, and sometimes it felt like nothing would ever be right anymore, but then a hand would latch on another, and fingers would intertwine, and they were okay. They were in pain, but they shared it, and it felt right.
Eddie was grieving, and yet, he had never felt happier. And he couldn't even feel guilty about that, because he knew that what they had allowed Buck to breathe too, and he couldn't ever regret anything that made life just a bit less painful for him. Chris had gotten his room back, and the fact that Buck had left it untouched did things to him. Eddie still slept on the couch, but it was a choice. He wanted to enjoy it all - the glancing, the innocent touches that lingered, the intimacy of it all. He was learning things about him every single day, and it felt incredible. He understood why everything had felt wrong before, or at least not right, and it was a revelation. He found himself more often than not quite literally obsessing over some feature of Buck : his hands, his birthmark, his smile, his shoulders, his hands, his legs, his arms, his hands... It was just that there was something captivating about the way Buck's hands moved, the care in them. How the same very hands would prepare them breakfast, hold on ropes and powerful tools, and brush against his skin with the same care, the same heartwarming concern. Eddie was gone for how they made him feel, when the three of them were sprawling on the couch, watching a movie together, as a family, and these fingers would caress his shoulder in a thoughtless motion. Chris had caught on to it right away, Eddie knew, but like everything else, they hadn't discussed it yet. The first time, when they were eating pizza together and Eddie had laid his arm on Buck's shoulder, he had caught his son's eyes, the interrogating look, and the way the answering nod to a question that had yet to be asked had made a smile bloom on his kid's face had warmed him to his core. Like he had finally gotten it right, and that was enough. He knew his kid got it, even better, that he approved, and that made all the talks they would have incidental. They would talk about it, because Eddie never wanted anything to be straining their relationship ever again, but it wasn't a secret. There wasn't anything discreet in the way he looked at Buck, and he knew it. Nobody at work had said anything, but Eddie knew for a fact that Maddie had noticed. He had seen it in the way her eyes darted between the two of them and the unmistakable glee she was barely hiding.
They created a new routine, from the way Buck took on the cook's responsabilities both at the station and at their place, to the way all their evenings were spent together, enjoying each other's company, in facing bunk bed at the station, and on the couch once Chris was back in his room back at home, until one of them couldn't keep their eyes open without struggling. There were taking things slow, and Eddie felt surprisingly good about it. He wasn't scared about taking things too fast, wasn't anxious about this being his first relationship with a man - with a man, how crazy was that ? It wasn't that he needed time to process it, to adjust. It was that everything felt so good, that he wanted to enjoy every part of it. He felt giddy with the way Buck's eyes would follow him everywhere he went, how their hands would find each other's skin in gentle touches and comforting caresses. It was exactly like what his friends used to talk about when he was a kid, and he had never really understood. He wanted to enjoy all these new sensations, the way his heart would beat faster, or skip sometimes, the tingling in his skin, the hunger he sometimes felt, how he craved Buck, his touch, his smiles, everything about him. The wonder in Buck's eyes when their eyes locked together, and the way it made him feel stupidly emotional. The shyness in Buck's smile when it was him who was struck with wonder and he couldn't keep his eyes, or his hands, off him. There was no rush, no feeling of urgency. They had time. Buck was following his lead, and Eddie was amazed by the fact that he never felt like he was holding them back. They were learning each other, what made the other smile, or sigh, or close their eyes in bliss. There would be time to learn what made the other moan, and squirm, and scream, but they weren't there yet, and it was okay. Eddie had never felt anything like that before, and the way Buck sometimes looked taken aback by something as simple as a cup of coffee quietly pushed towards him when he woke up made him think that maybe somehow it was all new to him too. And wasn't it something, to discover this together, too ? The quiet certainty of care, and trust, and love. Because even without any of them voicing it, they both knew.
They were sitting together on the couch, their hands intertwined together while an action movie none of them was watching lit up the dark living room. Chris was in his room, and he was supposed to be in bed by now, but it was a friday, and he was quiet enough that they could pretend he was. Eddie's thumb was brushing against the knuckles of Buck's smaller hand. He saw from the corner of his eye the way Buck was glancing towards their linked hands every few seconds, and he rose them to his lips to press a kiss to the back of Buck's. He smiled against the skin when he saw Buck's cheeks pinken slightly. He squeezed their hands, and Buck squeezed back. There was a sound of explosion on the TV, but they didn't react. They could probably have been a real one and they wouldn't have given it much more attention, too lost in each other to care. Eddie turned to face Buck, and he pulled on his hand to get him closer. Buck followed and they shared a smile. They tangled their legs together, leaning in each other's space, Buck's arm worming his way to circle around Eddie's waist, who blushed right back and arranged his own arm around Buck's shoulders, his hand going right to the little curls at the back of his neck and combing through them like it was second nature. They were smiling at each other, limbs tangled together like two trees planted too close to each other. Eddie sighed.
"You okay ?"
Buck's voice was just shy of a murmur, like he didn't want to disrupt the quietness of their bubble, his hand rubbing softly against Eddie's back. Eddie nodded, rising the hands still connected between them so that they were lying on his chest. He was staring at Buck's birthmark, the splash of colour on above his eyebrow, and he was suddenly overwhelmed with the fierce need to kiss it, to feel the pink skin against his lips, to see from up close the way it pinkened according to Buck's blushing and excitation. He leaned in a little, intending to make do on his fantasy, but stopped when he saw Buck tense. He waited a second, wondering if he had crossed a boundary he wasn't aware existed, before asking.
"No ?"
"No - I just - Sorry, I...", he was surprised by Buck's reaction, who looked, well, bashful ? A little embarrassed, maybe, but there was something else, something more hiding in the way he avoided his gaze, in the nervous laugh he exhaled. "I wasn't expecting it, sorry."
Eddie hummed, but he didn't get closer immediately.
"That's okay. Are you expecting it now ?" He asked, a little playful, the need to feel his lips on the other man's skin still very much present, like gentle flames warming up his stomach.
Buck nodded, his blue, blue eyes slightly widened and holding his breath, and Eddie leaned in again slowly. He was almost there when he noticed the nervousness emanating from Buck in waves, and stopped again.
"What is it ?" he whispered, so close to Buck he could see the way the TV light shone on his eyelashes, the way the side of his face was bathed in it, and how painfully beautiful he looked.
Buck bit his lip, looked down, then back at him, hesitating. He must have found in Eddie's eyes the reassurance he needed, because he answered.
"What if you don't like it ?" He asked, a little out of breath, looking embarrassed. Eddie didn't immediately understand the seriousness of the question.
"Well, I guess there's only one way to find out..." he whispered, leaning in just a little more in Buck's space, looking at his handsome face from under his lashes. He didn't expect Buck to stiffen and actually lean away from him. "What's wrong ?"
"No, Eddie, what if - what if you don't like it ?"
His voice broke in a way that threatened to shatter Eddie's very heart, like he was at least as scared of voicing his thoughts out loud as he was of discovering they were warranted. He looked genuinely upset, bottom lip shivering just a little, chin wobbling and a frown of distress barring his forehead. Eddie forced himself away from Buck ,letting go of his hand, hoping it would soothe him, but it seemed to distress him even more, and the same hand fisted itself in his shirt, not letting him get away, his arm tightening around Eddie's waist.
"No, don't leave, don't -"
He let himself be guided back in Buck's embrace, leaving some space between the two of them for him to breathe without letting go of his own hold on Buck's nape. He caught a tear on Buck's cheek with absolute horror.
"Hey, hey, Buck... I'm here, I'm sorry, I'm listening. Don't cry, it's alright. We don't have to, it's okay." He tried to convey his love, and his tenderness through soft touches on his boyfriend's face, brushing his hand against an unshaven cheek.
"But I want to !" It tore away from him like a sob, or a cry, and Eddie felt just as lost as before.
"I... You're gonna have to work with me here, big guy, I'm not sure of what's going on right now. What's happening in this beautiful head, hmm ?" He let go of Buck's nape to start to comb his fingers trough Buck's curls in what he hoped were soothing motions, scratching his scalp lightly before twisting blond tendrils around his fingers, and starting again, just like he used to when he was soothing Chris back to sleep after a nightmare.
Buck was still breathing loudly, his face a blotchy red, and tears-filled eyes. Eddie waited, letting him gather his thoughts, but he didn't let his eyes wander away from his, trying to decipher what he could in them. They were lovely eyes, admitedly, but tonight, they were more of an orageous grey than a sky blue, and it wasn't helped by the way Buck's eyebrows were furrowed. He opened his mouth, before shutting it, then again. Finally, he sighed.
"You're gonna think I'm stupid", he mumbled, toying with a loose thread on Eddie's shirt, not daring to meet his eyes anymore.
"Never." Eddie's voice didn't leave room to any misunderstanding, no hesitation to be heard, just the calm assurance of something that would never happen.
"No, I, I know you won't", stuttered Buck, looking up to meet Eddie's eyes before dropping them again to his fidgeting. "But you'll think I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that I'm being dramatic, or something."
"I swear I won't. I don't know what it is, but if it's upsetting you this much, it can't be nothing." Buck didn't answer, but Eddie could tell he wanted to. "Trust me, please ?"
Buck took a deep breath, before detaching himself from Eddie who let him go, before catching Eddie's hands in his. He swallowed, then raised his head again, like he was steeling himself to brace Eddie's judgement. Eddie squeezed his hands softly.
"You're my best friend in the whole entire world, Buck. Please talk to me. I want to help. Please let me help."
Buck's breathing hitched, his eyes connected to Eddie's like he couldn't look away, and finally, he let the words drop from his lips.
"I'm scared you won't like it. Kissing", he added at Eddie's look of confusion. "I'm afraid you won't like it, and you'll realize it's not for you, or that - or that you don't want me that way." His voice was trembling. "And then you'll feel sorry for me, and - and then what will we do ? It's not like you can force physical attraction, or -"
"I should have kissed you that day", interrumpted Eddie. "I should have done it right then, and you wouldn't have had the time to overthink it." He detangled a hand from Buck's and rose it to the man's face, cradling it gently. Buck glanced at it before leaning into the touch, closing his eyes.
"I'm sorry", he mumbled with a self-deprecating smile. "I'm just being stupid."
"No you're not", assured Eddie. "I understand what you're saying. I would be scared too."
"You're not ?" asked Buck, surprise coloring his voice.
Eddie laughed. He couldn't help it.
"I can't wait to kiss you. I feel like I have never wanted anything else as much as I want to kiss you. I think I've waited my whole life for this. For you. If you knew how much I've been thinking about it, you would understand why I've never even thought about what you're saying. I'm always thinking about kissing you. I watch you when you drink your coffee, and I wonder how it would feel to taste it on your lips. You laugh, and I want to feel your smile against my mouth. I don't think I ever thought about sex as much as I think about kissing you." He allowed himself to lean a little towards Buck, who was staring at his lips like he was hanging at his every word. He brushed his thumb against his cheekbone, reveling in the way it made his heart flutter along Buck's eyelashes. "I have never wanted to touch someone like I want to touch you. You... You take my breathe away, Buck." He smiled, and maybe his eyes were getting a little wet too, because he had never even thought it possible to feel this kind of connection to someone. "We don't have to, and I won't if you don't want it like I do, but God, Buck, if you knew how I feel when you look at me, when you touch me, it's..." He licked his lips. "It's like I never touched anyone before I touched you. Like I never felt anyone's touch before yours. I'm 34, and when I feel your hand in mine, I realize nothing has ever felt like this." He squeezed his hand around Buck's as if to make a point.
Buck looked dazed, now, his gaze a little glassy, and he was breathing loudly, in a good way. In a way that made Eddie's feel warm and flushed all over, in fact. He was staring at his lips like he was spellbound, and Eddie couldn't blame him. He too felt mesmerized, looking at Buck's and the way his whole face was flushed, his eyes unblinking and focused, his lips - his lips slightly opened and quivering. Eddie couldn't resist and let his thumb wander until it brushed against the corner of his mouth. He leaned in, and Buck's breath hitched, before his eyes went up to his and down again to his mouth. He looked like Eddie felt. Undone. Eddie closed the distance inch by inch, stopping when he could feel Buck's breath on his skin, and allowed himself to savour the moment. Buck's breath was unsteady, and his eyes fluttered close. He looked devastating, waiting and quaking from anticipation. His hands were trembling slightly, and Eddie squeezed them one last time before raising his other hand to Buck's clavicle, brushing the pad of his thumb against warm skin, fingers squeezing lightly the muscles of Buck's neck and shoulder. He cradled Buck's face in his hands, tilted it slightly downwards, and pressed a tender kiss on his birthmark. Buck gasped like he wasn't expecting it. Eddie kissed it again, longer, enjoying the feeling of the skin against his lips, and the way Buck's breath was heaving.
"I like it", he whispered. He kissed Buck's forehead next, his touch feathery as if not to spook him. "And that."
Then, his lips trailed down to his cheekbone, his nose nuzzling accross his temple, unhurried. He smelled of the coconut shampoo they had bought together, and Eddie liked the thought that his own hair smelled the same. It felt right, like they belonged together. "I like that too."
Buck's hands reached out blindly and held on his forearms tightly. His eyes were still closed, his breath so loud in the quiet space, his whole body shaking against Eddie's.
"Do you like it ?"
Buck didn't answer, but his hands tightened, and maybe that would leave a mark, but Eddie was so, so okay with that. He cradled Buck's face in his hands with all the care in the world, angling Buck's face slightly upwards, and shared his breath with the other man, reveling in the intimacy of it. His thumbs drew patterns on his cheeks, brushing against the prickly skin in soothing motions. He kissed one cheek longingly, delightling in the feeling of the stubble against his chin.
"I really like it", he breathed against the skin, and a noise escaped Buck's mouth, something that sounded like a whine, and heat bloomed in Eddie's belly, and he wanted. He brushed his lips against Buck's cheek, slowly descending towards his jaw, where he left another kiss. Buck's breathing hitched when Eddie didn't stop there and continued his descent towards his neck, his nose gracing his skin, barely a whisper of a touch. He felt him shiver against his lips, and blew on the goosebump that appeared under them without even thinking about it. Buck jolted, and inhaled sharply, turning his head to allow Eddie to sink in his neck, until he could feel the pulse beating there against his mouth. It was erratic, and probably the most sensual thing he ever felt. Buck was so responsive. Like he too felt that nothing except them existed anymore.
"I love that", he mouthed against the skin, kissing the beating pulse in an open kiss, and Buck sighed. "I love how you feel."
He pressed a kiss to his Adam's apple, and felt him swallow reflexively. He lifted his head, and held Buck's delicately between his hands, nudging him upwards. He pressed a kiss on his chin, then the corner of his mouth.
"I love it, Buck."
They were only a breath apart, both their hearts beating so loud they could hear it. He felt the hands around him tighten once more, and then lips collided with his. He gasped softly. It was a slow brushing of lips, deliberate in their unfolding. It was an offering, and a promise. Eddie had never kissed a man before. It was the easiest thing in the world. He was right not to worry. It was Buck. Impossibly gentle, warm and sincere.
It wasn't like burning, or tingling, or anything people usually say. It was like the kind of satisfaction you feel when you find your way back even though no one believed you when you said you knew the way. It was the sheer joy and pride of knowing all along you were right. It was getting out of a maze with only the stars and your guts to guide you. It felt right, and satisfying in a way nothing had before. It wasn't so much about the feeling of Buck's lips against his, even though they felt very nice, soft and firm, it was about how they made him feel. Eddie felt like he finally understood something. Himself. He was 34, and he was finally exactly where he was supposed to be. He was a man in love with another man. With his best friend. It wasn't about what they did, or how. It was about how he was undone by something as simple as a kiss. It unraveled him and left him a new man. Except he wasn't. He just felt so different, so unexplicably transformed, that there wasn't any other to put it. He was Eddie before, and it meant something, and he was Eddie now, and it meant something entirely different. Their lips sided together perfectly, warm and a little rough, so different from kissing a woman, unhurried and soft. Buck's hands were tracing abstract shapes on his forearms with feathery touches that made his eyes tingle. He felt like crying and laughing at the same time, overwhelmed with a whirlpool of emotions he was helpless against. It consumed him, and left him feeling weightless, like he could just fly away if it weren't for the way Buck tethered him. The world tilted, and narrowed, until there was nothing but them. Buck's fingers trailed over the skin of his arms, exploring like he wanted to memorize the shape of him, the reverence in that touch tore a sound from Eddie. A little damp laugh that broke their kiss. Buck opened his eyes, and they became unbelievably tender as he witnessed the wonder on Eddie's face.
"Are you okay ?"
"I have never felt better." Buck smiled, and he looked soft, and warm, and safe. They looked at each other without talking, and it was the best conversation they ever had.
Buck leaned in slowly, and he pecked Eddie's lips so softly it felt like a caress, before letting go of his hold to wrap his arms around Eddie's neck, and press a longing kiss to his mouth. Eddie felt himself flush all over, and his breath hitched. He opened his mouth, and he trembled. Nothing could explain how he felt. The way he felt warm and chilly at the same time, like his body couldn't process the way kissing Buck felt. He let himself be kissed, and reveled in the way Buck coaxed him into kissing back , because it wasn't about domination, or sex, it was about making the other feel seen, and heard, and touched. Their lips collided and broke apart again and again, and Eddie's hands tied themselves into Buck's hair, and he held on tight.
It tasted like joy.