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This too shall pass. I won’t be here forever.
Jonny tells himself this every night. Whenever Toby brings over a guest, he feels a need to curl in on himself. If only he could disappear. He wanted to be lighter than the sound of the footsteps of everyone that entered the home. Quieter than the walls that surround him.
Sometimes he’ll wonder if this is the life he wants. Sometimes he’ll wonder if he wants to get out of bed to look for somewhere else to go. Bed, he almost wants to laugh. He had kindness around him once, but there’s nobody here now. Toby’s all about throwing parties, isn’t he?
Maybe that’s where Toby has gone.
He looks to the pile of clothes that he swore he’d keep. There was a time in which he could relate to Toby. There had been a time that Jonny would have found clothes on his floor, ones that weren’t his, but ones he never planned to return. Especially not after they’d separated. He kept it for himself.
On the chance that he’d lose the weight, he’d have clothes waiting for him. It’d been from a simpler time in his life. Even if he hadn’t been himself. He could try to be someone else.
Max would be mortified at how he glorifies it. Jonny had always said how he hated that era of his, for how childish he’d been — but maybe that had been what he missed the most. He missed when he didn’t have to worry about things like this. Surely, he had struggled, but his problems would always be resolved. Max was always there, waiting. He always had a solution for him.
His problems never left him to live in his friend’s living room, doomed to listen to things he wished he could understand. Or have they? Is his current surroundings proof of this?
They were meant to live together. Not him and Scott. If things had worked out, he wouldn’t be doomed to live like this.
The only thing that makes him hesitate if it’s worth it is the recent kindness in his life. He looks at the watch that Steph had gotten him. He never cared for the time, but he cared for her happiness.
It’d been too big for him. She thought it was a shame, really, but part of Jonny found happiness in it. He liked the feeling of being smaller. He absolutely hates the idea of growing.
He’s totally irrational. This isn’t healthy. He sleeps so close to Toby’s kitchen, but he keeps himself far away from it when he’s awake.
His hand buzzes as if it’s asleep. The bundles of nerves that are awake are extremely sensitive, and it’s a sharp, stinging feeling that electrifies his hand. The sparks threaten to mimic the shape of Max’s hand. He wonders if things would have gone differently if his nerves weren’t like this. If he could truly feel.
He’d just been thinking about Stephanie, why was it coming back to Max? He’s moved on. Right, he reaffirms to himself. He doesn’t know why he’s left shaking like a dog.