Work Text:
How To Ruin A Good Thing:
Bakugou, Kirishima, Sero, Kaminari, Ashido, Midoriya, and Mineta were all staring at a wall.
“ What is it,” the cellophane-tape hero raised an eyebrow
“ Who is that,” the electric hero tilted his head.
“ You interrupted me at work for this,” the green-haired hero gestured a hand at the wall.
“ I don’t have anything positive to say,” the hardened hero then shrugged. “Except, why?”
“ When and where do I not buy one,” the explosive hero scoffed.
“ MY EYES,” the acid-shooting hero covered her face with her hands.
In-front of the group was a manly calendar featuring the grape-themed hero. He was shirtless and wearing a purple speedo. Mineta was also holding an axe, winking at the camera, and sporting a seductive smile. The incel-vibes were just oozing out of the photo.
“ I think I’m going to throw up,” Ashido gagged.
“ I still don’t know who I’m looking at,” Kaminari blurted.
The grape-themed hero was posing inside of a log-cabin-like-room. It had a bear-skin rug, a buck-skin chair with a matching foot-rest, a stuffed deer-head, and a brick-fireplace. All of it was fake, of course.
“ Kirishima got one,” Mineta whined. “ So why can’t I?”
“ Let’s see,” Sero held a hand to his chin and looked up at the ceiling. “ How do I put this?”
Ashido slapped a hand over her mouth. She ran toward the nearest restroom. The acid-shooting hero slammed the door behind her.
“ I agree with Ashido,” Bakugou folded his arms.
“ It’s a bit…,” Midoriya rubbed the back of his head with his hand. “ Much…”
“ A bit,” the redhead turned to him with wide-eyes. “ You told me mine was risqué!”
“ Because it is risqué,” the sandy blonde snorted. “ Have you seen the photos?!”
“ There is no way this is going to sell,” Sero reached for the manly calendar.
He pulled it off the wall and looked at it with disgust. Mineta snatched it from his hand and pointed at the group.
“ You’re all just jealous, because you weren’t blessed with good looks like me,” the grape-themed hero accused.
“ As a bi guy, I’d personally rate you as a 3 out of 10,” Kirishima shifted. “ And I’m being generous.”
“ More like a 0 out of 10,” Bakugou rolled his eyes and growled under his breath.
“ Oh, who cares what you think,” Mineta cried. “ You’re guys who like other guys! Your opinions don’t count! Especially yours, Bakugou! You don’t even have a Hot-or-Not filter!”
“ Actually, they do count,” Kaminari pointed a finger-gun. “ Kirishima rated me an 8 out of 10, which a lot of the ladies agree with. Midoriya is a 6.5 out of 10. Bakugou is a 10 out of 10, even with all of the battle scars. Again, the ladies agree with that.”
“ Well, I hope the ladies disagree this time,” the purple-haired hero argued.
“ How many restraining orders have you had,” Midoriya questioned with curious eyes.
“ What restraining orders,” Mineta nervously shrinked and shifted as he scanned the room.
There was a filing cabinet full of restraining orders directly behind him. Ashido returned to the room. She was holding her stomach. Her face was pale.
“ I’m telling you it’s not going to sell,” Sero warned.
“ Well, I’m telling you it’s going to be the best selling manly calendar the world has ever seen,” the grape-themed hero defended.
A couple of weeks later:
The group was watching the news channel from the Dynamight Agency's main office. Bakugou was sitting at his desk, filling out a report. He looked up at the screen. Everyone else was gathered around the TV.
“ This just in, the sole producer of Japan’s manly calendar ‘So Smoking Hot’ has filed for bankruptcy,” the news anchor announced. “ After a massive slump in sales, nationwide protests, meetings with disgruntled shareholders, and numerous employee walkouts, the company has decided to discontinue production and close its doors indefinitely!”
Mineta gawked. He fell onto his knees.
“ What,” his voice broke.
“ Wow, you put ‘So Smoking Hot’ out of business,” Kaminari gave a thumbs-up and a smug grin. “ Way to go!”
“ I told you it wouldn’t sell,” Sero mumbled.
“ Oh, shut up,” the grape-themed hero yelled. “ You don’t know anything!”
“ It’s okay, Mineta,” Midoriya beamed. “ Mine didn’t sell well, neither. And I did that one on a dare…I had quite a few stalkers, though…That was scary.”
“ So much for getting my husband his risqué calendar of me for Christmas,” Kirishima sighed and folded his arms. “ Ah, man.”
“ It’s fine,” Bakugou glanced back down at his report. “ I didn’t want to share you with anybody, anyway.”
“ And that is how you ruin a good thing,” Ashido concluded.
She grabbed the remote from the explosive hero’s desk and turned off the TV.