Chapter Text
The only light present in Izuku’s room is the one originating from Todoroki’s phone.
It isn’t the typical haunting blue. Instead, the light from the screen takes on an orangey-yellow hue from the light filter Todoroki likes, one that they had found together to help with his eye strain. Currently, Izuku lies next to him in bed, glancing at whatever he scrolls past every so often.
It had been another one of those nights. You’d think that as third years, they would have moved past this phase of sneaking into each other’s dorms in the late hours of the night for refuge from nightmares or for company in restlessness. Somewhere in the recesses of Izuku's mind he thinks that they should know better, and be able to cope on their own by now.
Alas, their nightly gatherings have remained a constant throughout the years -- in a twist that isn’t all that surprising in retrospect.
He can't speak for Todoroki, but these periods of time spent together have proven to be invaluable. He sleeps so much better when Todoroki is near, a fact he’d rather not look far into.
Recently, though, he has been troubled. Especially during nights like this. Nights where Todoroki is so close yet so far from his grasp, where he can’t focus on anything other than the sound of his breathing and the warmth and weight of his body next to him.
Somehow this current state is better than how the night started, though, which was when Todoroki was telling him about the stray kitten he found near the dorms. The kitten, who Todoroki dubbed “Onigiri” due to her coloring, was now in Koda’s care. Todoroki informed him that he visits Koda’s dorm every so often to see her.
Apparently he and Oni have gotten to a point where she climbs into his hold when he’s around. He can’t lie, the soft visualization of Todoroki gently holding a kitten feels like a hand-crafted graphic meant to give him heart failure.
Put simply, Todoroki quietly relaying this story to him in the smooth cadence of his voice as they laid next to each other in the dark absolutely messed with him on an astronomical level. It always feels both domestic and dimly thrilling, sharing a bed and having Todoroki talk about such small things so earnestly. Some days, he looks forward to the fact he won't be able to sleep just for moments like these.
If he were braver, he would wrap his arms around Todoroki as he listens to him talk about his day. He would take his hand, as he has wanted to do for ages, and not let go, even as they fall asleep. But for all villains he has fought and adversities he’s faced, the implications of what that simple action would mean is enough to have him claiming defeat before even taking action.
So, he stays where he is. Hands to himself, no matter how desperately they want to navigate towards Todoroki. The temperature of his skin that he can feel without even touching him is the only thing he allows himself, even as Todoroki's own body makes various moments of contact with his own when he shifts.
Light still hitting his face, he closes his eyes; any semblance of sleep would help to further keep these thoughts at bay. A mental barrier to promote the maintenance of this physical barrier. A clear mind and closed heart.
That’s all he needs.
~~~~~~
When Izuku wakes up, the first thing he notices is the weight far too close to his side and the feeling of skin on his own.
He cranes his neck down, and there lies Todoroki, cuddled up into him and sleeping soundly.
He tries his hardest not to startle, even as his temperature rises along with the redness of his face. This certainly isn’t the first time they have ended up in a position similar to this – but his state has not improved one bit since last night. More than anything, he wants to kiss Todoroki’s forehead tenderly and gently hold him in his arms right now.
But he wouldn’t. He can’t.
Sweat beads on his forehead as he carefully extracts himself from the bed. As his feet meet the ground, he wobbles backwards briefly before regaining his footing and snapping his head back to Todoroki to see if he woke him.
His heart skips a beat as he hears Todoroki grumble and stir. After a beat or two, he exhales once Todoroki fully settles, continuing to sleep without disturbance.
As quietly as he can, he changes his clothes, putting on a t-shirt that reads “running shirt” across the chest and pulling on a pair of sweatpants. He glances back over to Todoroki periodically, but once he is fully prepared and ready to depart, he tears his gaze away completely and exits the room. He takes extra care in slowly and quietly closing the door behind himself.
With a breath, he makes his way down the stairs, forgoing the elevator for today. He needs as much movement as he can get at the moment, especially after that.
It’s a Saturday, so no one is present in the common area nor kitchen at the ripe hour of five thirty three AM. Most were probably still asleep, and those who weren't had either already gone out or were in the midst of their morning routines. It wouldn’t have been a surprise if he had run into Iida on his way out, though as he passes through he sees no sign of him.
As the early morning breeze hits his face, he starts to relax a little, easing into his jog. Running is always a pleasantly sobering activity. Finally, now that he is free of the pressure of Todoroki’s existence on his heart, he allows himself to think.
Todoroki Shouto is a lot of things. Kind is the first adjective that comes to his mind; followed by intelligent and passionate. Nothing he wouldn’t also apply to all his other classmates to some degree. But there is so much more, so much he could wax poetry about that made up who Todoroki is.
Todoroki’s physicality and the peculiar, almost contained way he expresses himself. The tilts of his head and small smiles, the way he frowns with intention and pouts without. The shape of his face and texture of his hair. The dry tone to his words and humour. And definitely the way he laughs – he loves Todoroki’s laugh in a way he can’t fully put into words.
But that’s just outwardly. If Todoroki is downright beautiful on the outside, his inner self is a whole other world.
Todoroki feels things deeply, a trait that Izuku can’t help but feel drawn to. Todoroki has a conviction, an assured air to him that is downright infectious. He’s considerate in ways Izuku hadn’t even thought were possible before meeting him. And everything he does and says is genuine and often fatally endearing.
He could go on for hours about Todoroki if he were allowed; he would spend hours with Todoroki if he could.
But the worst part, the part that makes him sick to the very pit of his stomach and light in the head, is the fact that Todoroki would do the same.
He stops running to rest and takes a swig of water from his bottle. His heart pounds heavy, and he’s not entirely sure if it’s all from the workout or if some of the weight comes from the topic of his thoughts.
Izuku is oblivious to many things. He knows this, and it’s something he’s trying to work on. But for as oblivious as he is, Todoroki is far too bad at being any semblance of suave for him not to notice.
To not notice the fond gazes that last for far too long. To not notice the way Todoroki’s hand inches closer to his when they’re next to each other, the way he leans closer than needed when the opportunity strikes. To not notice Todoroki’s line of sight frequently going to his lips or arms or chest or any other part of his body. To not notice the way he avoids him in the locker room and gains a light blush on his face when they do interact.
He’ll admit, at first he thought it was nothing. He thought that Todoroki was just awkward, because he usually is. He thought Todoroki just felt comfortable doing these things because they were such good friends. But as these little oddities continued, and happened more and more often, he couldn’t ignore it. Not when he could, somewhat embarrassingly, recognize the same behaviors in himself.
And the thing is, he couldn’t explain it away in any other way, either. Because he still remembers a month ago, when Todoroki tried to confess to him.
Izuku takes a deep breath, and continues his run. It has become a little brighter outside, and as a result he hears more and more life around him as he runs around the campus. Even with the budding atmosphere, he can’t help but grimace to himself.
He knows that Todoroki likes him. He often indulges in the affection Todoroki gives him. But honestly? He doesn’t think he’ll ever address that first fact.
He doesn’t think he’ll ever confront Todoroki about it. If possible, he'd like to never talk about it. Talking about it means making choices. He knows what his choice will be; but he also knows making that choice will end this strange limbo they're in and all the heart-fluttering things that come with it.
Does… does that make him selfish? Wanting to keep Todoroki, but never fully taking him as his own, even though he knows that’s what Todoroki wants?
He slows his jog, but does not come to a stop. The last thing he ever wants to do is hurt Todoroki. But pursuing him would just end up hurting worse. By that metric, what they have going on now is fine. Good, even. He loves to fix things, even those that don't appear broken -- but he can definitely sit this one out.
Izuku sighs and picks up his pace once more. He’s nearly back at the dormitory. The sky is starting to take on a more solid hue, and he can hear the bustle of some of his classmates the closer he gets to the dorm doors.
He'll try not to worry anymore. These feelings and this situation isn’t any cause for concern. What he and Todoroki have now will probably last a little longer, but eventually fizzle out and become something in the past to laugh about in the future.
He opens the door, stepping into the dormitory. He instantly hears the sound of a pumped Kirishima and an exhausted yet still boisterous Kaminari squabbling about something on the couch.
He gives a quick glance over to the kitchen and sees a content looking Iida preparing some sort of breakfast in the kitchen with some light classical music playing.
Whatever he's cooking smells great! He can feel himself salivate from the scent alone. He’ll have to see what it is, and also ask if he has any extra of it.
Izuku closes the door and walks in further, fully intent on speaking to Iida. However, his gaze shifts to the other two figures in the kitchen. It’s then that he stops in his tracks, and his mouth goes a little dry.
On one of the stools in the kitchen, Todoroki sits next to Shouji. They are talking somewhat quietly, although he probably wouldn’t have been able to make out what they were saying even if they were screaming, as all sound seems to fade out as he stares right at Todoroki.
Todoroki is facing away from him, but that does nothing to dissuade his rapidly beating heart. His short hair sticks up in more places than usual, the picture definition of bedhead. He’s leaning on the counter, but the main draw is his hoodie. Or more correctly, Izuku’s hoodie.
It’s one of his All Might ones. Completely oversized on himself, but just about a size or so too big on Todoroki. His heart stutters and trips over itself, mimicking the current state of his mind.
“Ah, Midoriya!” Iida calls out. Izuku tears away his gaze to address him, but in the corner of his eye he sees Todoroki turn around and feels him lay his eyes on him. He can’t help a quick, full glance back, and the sight that meets him is far more than he can handle right now.
Todoroki is smiling at him, because of course he is. He does that almost every time he sees him. But it’s worse now, because he looks tired but content, and his hair is even messier in the front, and he’s looking at him with the most gorgeous eyes–
Okay, maybe ignoring all this will be harder than previously decided on. But he’ll manage. Somehow.
~~~~~~
The sound the punching bag makes when his fist meets the surface is a comforting constant. It rings throughout the gymnasium, making it and his laboured breaths the only noise to be heard. Only a single row of harsh lights are on, leaving much of the gym shrouded in darkness only broken by the dim light of the moon.
This past week or two, he has taken to… well, not avoiding, but not exactly going out of his way to see Todoroki. And that's mostly why he's here, at near midnight, working out. He feels a little bad, as they did have some plans – but this distance is necessary.
Technically he's not supposed to be here, but he's broken more important rules before. Coming here at this time means there's no chance of seeing Todoroki, and he can do what he needs without his eyes disobeying him and glancing at Todoroki every two minutes.
But that's not the only reason he's in here at such an odd hour. He also cannot stop thinking. Which isn't something new. But all his thoughts tonight are centered around Todoroki; which also isn't new, but that's besides the point.
Avoiding him these past few days has hurt. They tend to spend a lot of time together in general these days, and losing that, even for such an insignificant amount of time, has left him feeling so empty. And it makes him angry, too.
He wants to be around Todoroki. But every moment with him pushes Izuku closer and closer to the edge – closer and closer to saying something he can't take back in any way that matters. And once he falls down that path, how everything will end up is a mystery he is nowhere close to solving.
And that's only half of the issue. The other, and more important half in his opinion, is Todoroki himself.
Izuku wants to be a hero. More than anything in this world. He wants to save people. And he's learned time and time again that doing so requires resilience – and sacrifice.
Sacrifice of his time, his resources, and himself. Things that he'd have to dedicate to Todoroki in some amount to make a relationship work. Things he simply wouldn't be able to, especially considering all the other people and things he holds dearly that need the same.
The thought of slowly hurting Todoroki over the course of any potential relationship that they could have hurts more than the pain that any villains have inflicted on him and more than any pain he has inflicted on himself. He cares about Todoroki too much to ever do that to him.
Izuku sighs and drops his fist, just standing in front of the punching bag for a while. Eventually he puts his forehead against it with a dull, barely audible thud.
This is ridiculous, he thinks.
Because, how is it that he knows and understands all of this, but the mere thought of Todoroki's hand in his is enough to keep him up all night?
How can he be so painfully aware of the fact he and Todoroki will never be together, but still see his face when he closes his eyes?
How come he can list off every reason they wouldn't work out, and imagine kissing his lips in the very same breath?
How come he can hear his voice in the middle of the night and–
“Hello, Midoriya.”
Izuku lets out an indignant yelp and jumps far higher than he means to. While in the air, he registers the voice as Todoroki's, and looks towards where the voice came from to confirm his suspicion.
He ends up seeing that it is, in fact, Todoroki. He also ends up forgetting to do something about his landing. He ends up half crashing into the floor, catching himself with float before making a full impact.
Todoroki bends down quickly, wearing a worried expression as he looks him over. “Are you okay?”
Izuku groans and settles the rest of his body on the floor. He sits up, resulting in his face being mere inches away from Todoroki's.
“Uh,” he says, wide eyed. Todoroki still looks worried. “I'm fine!”
Izuku smiles and backs himself up a little too quickly. Todoroki sits on his knees, and does a once-over of him one more time. He can feel the redness of his face as he watches Todoroki inspect him.
“Are you sure?”
“Y-yeah! I promise, I'm all good.”
Todoroki's expression then shifts to something apologetic. “Sorry I startled you.”
“It's okay,” Izuku says, starting to stand up. “What are you, ah, doing here?”
“Tokoyami said he saw you leave the dorms. I figured you'd be here or in the teacher dormitory.”
Oh. “Did you need me for something?”
“No. I… I just wanted to see you, I guess,” Todoroki says bashfully, averting his eyes as he stands up as well.
“Oh,” Izuku murmurs. In some part of himself, he knows he should get Todoroki to leave. There is a reason he's avoiding him, and he can feel it in the pace of his heart. But another, louder part of himself takes over his vocal cords and asks, “Do you want to spar?”
He misses sparring with Todoroki, in his defense. They haven't done it in a while, and they were supposed to the other day – one of the plans they had – but considering his current mission of avoiding him, it hasn't exactly been a possibility.
“Now?” Todoroki asks. He supposes his confusion is reasonable – it is midnight, and they should be in the dorms and sleeping by now.
“Why not?” Izuku says, before he remembers he's not supposed to be indulging in Todoroki. “Unless you don't want to, which is reasonable. It's late and we could always do it another time–”
“I don't mind,” Todoroki says. “I don't feel like sleeping anyway. Quirks or no quirks?”
“Ah, well,” Izuku stammers, trying to find some way to backtrack. “No quirks, I guess. Don't want to make too big of a scene, especially since we're technically not allowed to be here right now. You know, maybe it's not the best idea actually–”
Todoroki shrugs. “We've broken more serious rules.”
Damn it.
“Okay… are you sure you're comfortable sparring in those clothes though? And you've probably already showered, I wouldn't want to–”
“Midoriya. I'm fine. I want to,” Todoroki says with hardened resolve. “Do you want to spar?”
Izuku nods hesitantly.
“Then let's spar.”
He curses in his head. “Okay.”
Todoroki moves into his starting position, taking on the same determined energy he always does when he spars.
Izuku positions himself as well, but with much less drive. His stupid heart is beating faster than it should be, and he already feels incredibly distracted. Still, he's the one that makes the first move.
They eventually fall into a cycle in which he lands a blow and Todoroki blocks. Overall, it's light stuff, not very intense competitively or physically. He doesn't put any particular rhyme or reason behind his attacks; he does whatever is the most convenient and simple, and Todoroki soon takes on the same strategy.
In a way, the movement of their bodies becomes less of a spar and more of a dance. Each move is followed by a responding move of the same force, and each action is just as clear and precise as it is random.
The back and forth continues, a transfer of energy between them. Due to the predictable cycle, he finds it to be no surprise that he becomes a little distracted.
He focuses less on his attacks and more on Todoroki. Todoroki, whose face takes on a concentrated look despite the casual nature of their sparring. He can't help but admire him; from the way he seems to almost glide through the air when he moves, to the shine of his eyes, to his ever unwavering conviction.
He can feel his moves become a bit sloppier, but he finds that he doesn't particularly care. Gazing at Todoroki is far more preferable at this time. Really, though, it's only once Todoroki kicks the breath out of his lungs and he lands on the floor that he realizes exactly how sloppy he had become.
Izuku wheezes momentarily – the kick wasn't even that strong, but the sheer surprise of it left a huge impact. He looks up at Todoroki, who appears to be rather satisfied.
Wordlessly, Todoroki offers him a hand. He takes it and pulls himself up, but quickly finds that he has done so with a little too much force. This causes Todoroki to stumble, and they end up far closer than intended.
He wants to apologize, and step back to allow Todoroki some space to breathe. But instead, for some reason that he knows but refuses to acknowledge, he just stares at him and keeps a firm grip on his hand. His breaths are heavy, both from exertion and the increasing anticipation of every second that passes with his eyes on him.
Todoroki's eyes are a little wide, and his lips just barely open. He stares right back at him. They stand there for what seems like a thousand eternities, before Todoroki hesitantly brings his hand up to hold his face with a gentleness that makes his throat tight and his eyes sting.
He wants nothing more to lean into the touch, but he remains still as a statue. He watches as Todoroki gulps, a small movement that he intently tracks with his eyes before his sight lands on his lips.
“...Midoriya?”
Whatever daze he’s caught in breaks when he hears Todoroki’s whisper. At the same moment he realizes how close their faces had gotten, how close their lips are, how if he leaned in just a little farther, his lips would be against–
Izuku yanks his hand free from Todoroki’s with far more force than necessary, and cradles it in his other hand as though he’d been burned by Todoroki’s touch. It wouldn’t be wrong to say he had been; his body is practically on fire. He also jumps back in the same motion, putting some much needed distance between them.
“I, uh,” Izuku says, floundering, trying to come up with a reason why he started that entire scene.
“Midoriya?” Todoroki asks again, his voice now at its regular volume.
“I have to– I have to, uh, go. Now.” Izuku speaks quickly, completely ignoring Todoroki’s call of his name as he grabs his things and makes a beeline past him, face burning. “Bye.”
If Todoroki says anything else, he doesn’t hear him. The wind rushes past his ears once he makes it outside, and he walks back to the dorms with purpose in each step. His teeth are gritted, and he can’t tell if it’s from the cold or from the ache in his heart and anger in his lungs.
So much for avoiding him. He can practically feel the edge he’s walking on against his feet, and the call of the void is only growing. How could he have been so amenable? He let his feelings take the reins and he ended up indulging in Todoroki far more than he should, and he shouldn’t be indulging his company or his actions at all.
He should’ve left the second Todoroki stepped foot into the gym. He should’ve bit his tongue, and never asked the spar. He should’ve pulled his hand away right after Todoroki helped him up, instead of staring into his eyes and getting closer like a lovesick fool.
But he didn’t.
Why couldn’t this be easier? Why couldn’t he ignore that pounding of his heart and the fluttering in his chest? Why couldn’t he just walk away from all of this, from Todoroki, his feelings, this whole situation they’ve created?
In the back of his mind, an answer poked out its head. Maybe… maybe he should stop resisting. It would certainly be easier. Some little part of himself couldn’t help but wonder if it would be so bad if he gave in, if he let himself step off the edge. If he told Todoroki about his feelings, and if they tried to pursue… something. Something other than what they have now.
Maybe, somehow, there is a way for him to be with Todoroki without hurting him. Maybe the world would be kind enough for that.
Izuku groans. What are the chances of that, though?
He needs to shower right now. He needs some sleep.
He desperately needs some help.
~~~~~~
Three days later, he worked up the courage to get some help.
Izuku stands outside the door to All Might’s office, his hands fidgeting restlessly at his sides and feeling a little sweaty. He had just knocked moments before, and now patiently waits for the door to open. He can hear the sounds of All Might moving around inside the room, getting closer and closer to the door.
It takes a few more seconds, but before he knows it he hears the tell-tale click of the door opening. All Might, standing tall as usual, smiles once he sees him, opening the door wider.
“Midoriya, my boy! How are you? What brings you here today?”
Izuku smiles lopsidedly. “I’m doing alright! I was just wondering if I could…um…” Izuku falters, his gaze downcast. How should he phrase this? “...talk to you. About something.”
He looks up in time to see All Might’s face shift into a look of mild concern. “Of course. What’s on your mind?”
Izuku shuffles in place, darting his eyes to his left and right. “A-actually, I was wondering if we could talk in your office.” He’s sure that All Might’s face has a more pronounced look of concern now, but he refuses to look up and confirm that assumption as reality.
“Sure, no problem,” All Might says, softer now. He moves from the center of the door frame to allow Izuku to come through.
Izuku scampers in, and hears the click of the door closing. He stands in the middle of the room awkwardly for a moment, before making his way towards All Might’s desk and taking a seat in the chair across from it. All Might follows soon after, sitting in his desk chair with a small frown on his face.
“Is everything alright?” All Might starts. “You seem a bit… anxious.”
Izuku gulps, his eyes glued to his lap where his hands are clasped, a tight hold of the sweat and too warm skin that spanned most of his body at the moment. He really should say something, but against his better judgement he stays silent. How is he even supposed to open a conversation like this?
“If you’re not ready to talk about whatever it is you want to talk about, it’s completely fine, son,” All Might says sincerely. “I’m here for whatever you need.”
Izuku’s lips feel sewn shut, but he pulls against the threads and opens his mouth with a little more effort than he’d usually need. Despite successfully opening his mouth, the words did not quite come.
“I… uh–” Really, he should just spit out the question. "Have… have you ever been in love, All Might?”
He nervously looks up to see All Might’s reaction. He looks a bit confused, maybe a bit thrown by the question, but not distraught.
“Ah. I have been, a few times. Ages ago!” All Might exclaims with a smile. “In this line of work relationships are hard to maintain, so nothing ever came of most of those situations.”
Izuku deflates slightly. That isn’t what he was hoping to hear, even though he knew it was coming. Still, maybe there’s more to the story than that.
“Have you ever been in a relationship at all? You said most, but not all, so…”
“That is true. You’re always so attentive, young Midoriya.” All Might holds his chin and looks up and off into the distance as he thinks. “There was one, before heroism even became an option for me. I don’t remember much of it.”
Well. That’s a nail straight into the coffin. “Oh,” Izuku said quietly.
“Now, you don’t have to answer,” All Might says, “but I wonder. Why are you asking me about this?”
Izuku’s eyes snap up to meet All Might’s gaze. He feels his face grow warm. “Uh,” he says, momentarily stupefied.
He would rather not explain that, if only to save himself the embarrassment. So, he just pleads with his eyes for All Might to use the context to understand why he asked what he asked. It takes a few seconds, but eventually All Might’s eyes grow wide and his mouth forms a small “o”, and Izuku slumps in his seat.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
Slowly, he nods. It’ll probably feel better to get it off his chest, right? And maybe All Might will have further insight for him to consider.
“I… there’s someone,” Izuku says, readjusting himself and fidgeting with his hands. “But I don’t know if I should pursue them.”
All Might looks like he wants to say something, but whatever it is is replaced with, “Go on.”
Izuku keeps his eyes on the floor next to him. “I want to be a hero. More than anything. And I’m worried that entering a relationship will be a distractor at best and a liability at worst,” Izuku says, now moving his hands along with his speech. “I mean, having a partner will probably distract me from my training and studying, even though my feelings right now are doing that too. But in a relationship, there’s a lot of commitment to be made that would distract me even more.
“And down the line, if the relationship lasts for that long, couldn’t it be something used against me or them by villains? Plus, I have no intention of slowing down with this. I want to dedicate everything I have to being a hero, and I can’t do that if part of me is with someone like that, can I?”
Izuku’s hands fall to his side, and his face becomes pensive. “Yeah. I definitely can’t do that. I can’t end up hurting him,” he says more to himself than All Might.
Back at the same road again. He knows that this is how things are, how things will be. He’d like to say that vocalizing it helped, but honestly, he just feels more assured in the doom that’ll come if he decides to pursue Todoroki. Not the best feeling in the world.
Wearily, he looks back up at All Might. He’s a bit confused, though, as All Might is smiling for some reason.
“Please excuse me if this is out of line, but, would the person you’re talking about be young Todoroki?”
Izuku startles, doing a quick scan of the room as if there was someone in there with them who could’ve heard. “How did you–”
“You said “he”. And, you’re not the only attentive one, you know.”
Izuku blushes, bashful. “Ah.”
All Might hums considerately. “I see everything you’re saying.” He leans forward on his desk with a sigh. “If I’m going to be honest with you, I want nothing more than to tell you to go for it. You’re young, and young Todoroki is a nice boy. You two are a good pair.”
Izuku makes a startled sound, and fights the urge to hide his face behind his arms. “You really think so?” he asks instead, voice quiet.
“It’s true, my boy!”
“T-thank you,” Izuku stammers. “But… what’s the thing stopping you from saying that? Saying I should… go for it.”
“Well, I do also want to be realistic with you. It’d be a disservice to you if I wasn’t.” All Might sighs deeply. “Everything you said are real concerns you have to consider. Relationships are work, and like with any commitment, they demand something. In this case, time and energy. Those things don’t spawn out of thin air – something will have to give in order for you to be the best you can be for him.”
Izuku nods. It’s both reassuring and painful hearing his fears validated.
“But it’s not all that bad. If you want to, I see no harm in trying if young Todoroki is up for it. Where it really gets messy is the future, if the relationship were to last till then.”
Izuku feels a sinking in his stomach. Of course if he got into a relationship with Todoroki he’d want it to last. Forever, preferably. But the risk factor involved with that haunts him with each fantasy of them living out their lives together.
“Lots of villains are willing to use under the belt blows like loved ones in attacks. And the demands of a commitment don’t disappear until there is no more commitment. Not to mention, considering the, eh,” All Might flounders for a moment, opening and closing his mouth like a fish. “The…nature, of a relationship between you and Todoroki – gender-wise. There could be some pushback.”
He’s thought about it before – the fact that their relationship wouldn’t be straight and the fact that some people may take issue with it. It was only ever brief thoughts before, located in the back of his mind and swept away with ease. Now that All Might is saying it, the concern is far more real. How would a relationship impact his and Todoroki’s careers? Their public image?
“A caveat to most of this, though, is the fact that you don’t have to tell anyone about your relationship. At least, not the media. Overall I’d recommend telling the media as little as possible, but that’s a conversation for another day,” All Might says, impassioned for a moment there about the topic. “And besides, for as long as you love anyone, romantic or not, villains will always have someone to use as leverage against you.” All Might pauses. “That sounded a lot more encouraging in my head.”
Izuku laughs a little. “I mean, you’re right.”
“Unfortunately. Additionally, though, there are plenty of heroes who have made a relationship and their career work. Endeavor, for example.”
Izuku’s expression instantly sours. To his credit, Endeavor is living proof that heroes can hide rather large things from the media. He tries to conceal the distaste on his face, and replies with a somewhat strained “Yeah.”
All Might looks at him quizzically, and seems as though he’s about to question him, so he quickly shifts the focus back to the topic at hand.
“I still don’t know.” Izuku says honestly. “There’s so many variables to consider.”
So many things that could go wrong. So many things that they’d have to worry about, that make it easier in theory to ignore and move on from these feelings.
“Well, it’s your decision, my boy. I won’t judge whatever choice you make. You’re a smart kid, and I’m sure that you’ll deduce the best course of action.”
Izuku nods. “Thank you, All Might.”
He exchanges further pleasantries with All Might as he makes his way out of the room, but in the back of his mind he is calculating. This conversation just confirmed everything he had been thinking – the corroboration is nice, but also disheartening.
To his credit, All Might did also provide counterarguments that are nothing to sneeze at. Ways to make things between him and Todoroki work. Slivers of hope that cut him like glass but also exhilarated him. But, in the end, that’s all they are – slivers.
Izuku thinks as he walks back to the dorms, the sun still out and beating down against his skin. If he put the pros and cons on a scale, the cons would outweigh the pros easily. He can’t put a price on being with Todoroki, but he can see everything it’ll cost in the long run, and it’s far too steep to risk.
He likes Todoroki. Todoroki likes him back. And though his heart protests otherwise, maybe that could be enough.
~~~~~~
The air outside is cool. Izuku stands on his balcony, watching the stars twinkle in the midnight blue sky. His hands ache a bit from the cold, but he doesn’t mind all that much. Here, his mind is clear and his body is at rest.
Todoroki is inside his room, once again. He really should put an end to their random nightly get-togethers.
He purses his lips. He doesn't really want to, but what choice does he have?
Todoroki will probably wonder why. So maybe he can put off doing that for a little longer. Until he thinks of one. Yeah.
Izuku sighs and leans on the railing. They're gonna be graduating pretty soon. He wonders what they'll do on nights like these when they no longer live in the same building, and can’t satisfy the craving of each other’s company.
Things have been normal these past few weeks. His talk with All Might three weeks ago still lingers in his mind, but he’s been able to snuff out any rebellious thoughts suggesting that he attempts to date Todoroki. Restraining himself has been hard, as it always is, but he can probably make it all the way to graduation at least.
Probably.
Izuku sighs. He wonders if these feelings will ever truly go away. Will the distance cause them to slowly fade away, or just make him feel fonder? Or, alternatively, will he lose his mind for a while?
It doesn’t matter, he supposes. Even though those three powerful words still live inside him, some days begging to be said, he has them on lock. They shouldn’t be escaping his lips any time soon, no matter how badly they want to every second he spends with Todoroki.
He hears the click of the balcony door opening. He moves away from his initial thoughts into something less likely to make him slip up and smash Todoroki’s lips into his own. Still, he shudders as he feels Todoroki take his place next to him.
It’s like all of his nerves light up when he’s around. Todoroki’s touch is always like pure lightning shooting through Izuku’s system, his voice a symphony of low tones in perfect harmony to Izuku’s ears. Everything about him pushes some sort of button, induces some sort of reaction in Izuku, as if he was designed with the ability to do just that.
“It’s cold out here,” Todoroki says quietly. “Do you want to come back in?”
Izuku responds at a similar volume. “No, I’m alright,” Izuku says, smiling at him. “It’s nice out tonight. Clear sky. I’ll probably stay a little longer.”
Todoroki hums, but does not object. “Okay.”
He joins Izuku in leaning on the railing. Izuku can feel his warmth next to him – too warm to be natural. His heart squeezes at the thought that Todoroki is trying to make sure he's not too cold.
He genuinely can't help but gaze at Todoroki. He’s wearing his glasses, a rare sight to see but one that could heal the sorest of eyes. His short hair is being slightly moved by the breeze, and his eyes are far more beautiful than any star out in the sky tonight. He's only wearing loose pajama pants and t-shirt, but somehow manages to look ethereal.
He doesn’t know how long he stays like that. At some point Todoroki notices his staring, and raises an eyebrow at him.
“What is it?”
“Nothing,” Izuku says. How can one person be so pretty? he wonders.
Todoroki lifts his right hand, although Izuku hardly notices. He does notice, however, when little flakes of ice that mimic snow hits his face en masse.
Izuku splutters and wipes the icy fragments off of his face. He wants to ask Todoroki in a rather accusatory tone what that was all about, but whatever little righteous fire burning in him dies the second he hears Todoroki laughing.
One thing about Todoroki is that he always laughs like it’s his first time ever laughing. It’s awkward and strained, inconsistent in pitch and volume and length. Yet, at the same time, the sound is filled with such pure joy and delight.
In some part of him, he realizes that the reason for Todoroki’s laugh being this way isn’t a happy one. But still, he feels such adoration towards it – and he'd rather focus on the fact that it has gotten to exist in the first place more than anything else.
Izuku laughs a little himself and asks, “What was that for?”
Todoroki's laugh has now faded into uneven huffs and giggles. “I've been told that staring is rude.”
“That doesn't mean you can just throw ice in my face!”
“I agree.”
Izuku squints his eyes at him. “Then why did you do it?”
Todoroki meets his look with a neutral face that borders on serious. “I like to live on the edge.”
Izuku blinks at him. Once, then twice. And then he bursts out laughing.
“What do you– what does that even–” Izuku says between laughs, unable to form a full sentence. He can see the soft smile on Todoroki's face as he continues laughing.
Once he calms down, they stay in a comfortable silence for a while. He wishes this could last forever, just the two of them on the balcony.
He'll never be with Todoroki romantically. But at least he has this. These moments, they're more than enough to keep him going for a lifetime.
But, because the world is cruel, their comfortable state is cut through by Todoroki saying one string of words.
“I need to tell you something.”
Izuku stays quiet, his blood running cold in an instant. There are a lot of things Todoroki could say right now. It could be anything in the world; there’s many possibilities as there are stars in the sky tonight.
He knows better, though.
This is it, isn't it? He's dodged it once, but twice would be far too kind to him.
“I've never really felt like this before,” Todoroki says, like it's both the most foreign and incredible thing. He gently rests his hand on Izuku's. “I've wanted to tell you for a while. I just… Midoriya, you make me feel so happy. And I hope I make you feel the same. But the way you make me feel is different from everyone else. I've thought a lot about it. I… I think that I–”
“Please don't,” Izuku begs quietly but firmly, his heart beating at a rapid pace. A nausea that reaches his very core overcomes him, and his grip on the balcony railing steadily turns his knuckles white.
The silence from Todoroki is deafening. He can't even hear his breaths. It stretches on like that for what feels like an eternity.
He feels Todoroki's hand lift off of his. The temperature may have dropped a little. He doesn’t want to know.
Eventually, though, Todoroki does speak. A simple whispered “okay” is all he says, the word nearly taken by the wind. However, Izuku does catch the slight crack of his low voice, like a tiny fracture in porcelain. That alone shatters his heart, and panic fills his head as he wants nothing more than to take those two words back.
He feels Todoroki's presence slip away without a word. He does nothing to keep him from leaving. He's alone on the balcony a few seconds later.
His sight grows fuzzy as tears well in his eyes. He did this to keep Todoroki from being hurt, so why does he feel so awful?
He takes a shaky breath and turns to look into his room, on the slightest off chance that Todoroki decided to stay. When he does look all he sees is an empty room through the openings of the rustling curtains.
He sighs softly. What was he expecting? To find Todoroki on his bed, happily waiting after he practically rejected him? What would he even do if he was there?
“Fuck,” Izuku says wetly, stuffing his face in his hands.
It'll be fine, right?
With one last glance to the sky, he re-enters his room. He takes a quick look around – Todoroki's phone and glasses case are gone. The wind had taken away both his scent and his warmth.
The only thing left of him, the only thing signifying he was even there in the first place, is the patch of ice on the door knob that shimmers in the low light as it slowly melts away.