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Ben was never one for endlessly scrolling through social media for news about public figures and their very public drama. But, then again, it didn’t always involve his sorta ex. Well, sometimes it did. Kenji enjoyed the spotlight. But it was never this huge.
Kosei Kon in handcuffs was the first image every time he refreshed his feed. It seemed like no one knew exactly what the charges were but they were having a lot of fun coming up with theories. Money laundering, insider trading, coercion, drug trafficking, illegal experiments, bribes to government officials, human cloning.
Ben couldn’t rule any of them out. Most people rolled their eyes at the human cloning and illegal experiments part but most people hadn’t stumbled upon a very advanced laboratory in Kon Manor when he’d simply been looking for a glass of water.
“Best not to ask. ”
That’s what Kenji always said whenever Ben raised an eyebrow at the Kon’s lifestyle.
Did Kosei ever meet with leaders from North Korea?
“Best not to ask. ”
Was the guy who showed up dead the same one Kosei was complaining about last night?
“Best not to ask. ”
Ben shivered a bit. He never felt comfortable staying at Kon Manor after that. At least, not when Kosei was stateside.
Ben had assumed he’d never face justice for whatever crimes he’d committed. Apparently, he was wrong. Some articles were speculating Kon Enterprises would lose everything. Others were wondering if the playboy heir would be in charge. There was that video again. It was the second most famous after Kon being dragged out of headquarters. Kenji, with hood up and face down, guiding Candice to a waiting car. He had one arm over her shoulder, shielding her from the dozens of paparazzi swarming her.
He should text him. Or call. Shouldn’t he?
They hadn’t spoken in three months. Ben let out a loud sigh and leaned back on the park bench. He could barely remember how they got into that fight the last time they saw each other. Kenji wanted something more serious. Ben could hardly believe Kenji wanted to fool around with him, let alone be exclusive. He could have anyone he wanted, most of them models. He’d been with legit models! Why would he want anxious, nerdy Ben?
Bumpy came up to him and nudged his hand. Ben smiled down at his dog, petting her head. His little french bulldog gave him a huge smile. It almost managed to lift his mood. Ben took the ball and threw it. Bumpy happily ran after it.
He should call him. Just to check in. Ben unlocked his phone. He opened the phone app and was about to type in a K before he chickened out. Ben closed his phone and let out a heavy sigh. When Bumpy ran up to him next, Ben attached her leash and got off the bench.
“Let’s head back,” Ben said.
Calling Kenji might not be the smartest idea but he wanted to check on him. He needed to know that he was doing alright. Kenji’s relationship with his father was complicated on their best day. And while he enjoyed the spotlight, Kenji never did well with negative press. What if he was spiraling? Ben had a lot of experience in that department. He’d taught Kenji boxed breathing and name-every-blue-object-in-the-room for when he was feeling panic. He was all alone right now…
Ben pulled out his phone again. Before he could overthink it, he pressed call.
It took three rings before someone answered.
“Ben?”
“Hey, Yaz,” Ben said, trying to sound casual.
“What’s up?”
“Nothing much. Taking Bumpy for a walk.”
“Did that rash get cleared up?”
Ben rolled his eyes. Yaz knew why he was calling. She was clearly messing with him.
“Yeah, yeah, she’s all better now.” Ben bit his lower lip. “Soooo…”
“Yes?”
“Have you heard from Kenji lately?” Ben asked in a rush.
On a normal day, Yaz’s disappointed sigh would make Ben cringe in embarrassment. Today, he wants to skip over all the lectures and get information.
“Yeah, I talked to him earlier today.”
“How is he?”
“Ben…”
“Come on, Yaz. We’re still friends, sorta.”
“Friends who haven’t talked to each other in months! Friends who are very clearly and stupidly pining over each other. Friends who-”
“Alright, alright,” Ben said. “I get it. I just want to know he’s okay.”
“Of course he’s not okay! He’s a mess. Which is totally understandable, given the circumstances.”
Ben’s heart squeezed tight in his chest. Kenji had nightmares from time to time. Ben had woken up to a whimpering, crying Kenji beside him on a few occasions. He’d held him and murmured sweet nothings into his hair to help him fall back to sleep. He hated the idea that Kenji was suffering all alone right now.
“Call him.”
“What?”
“You heard me,” Yaz snapped. “Call him. Talk to him.”
“I thought you told me to move on?”
Another disappointed sigh. “I told you to be honest with yourself. About what you wanted, what you were scared of. I told you this whole situationship wasn’t good for either of you. I told you both that I was done listening to either of you complain about your situation.”
Ben stopped in the middle of the sidewalk. “Both?”
“My point is- you’re clearly worried about him and Kenji can use all the friends he can get right now. So, if you’re ready to be there for him as a friend, then call. Him.”
He didn’t say anything for a few moments. Could he be there for Kenji as a friend? Of course he could. He cared about Kenji. Regardless of if they worked out or not, romantically speaking.
But…what if Kenji didn’t want to hear from him? What if he hated Ben for how they left things? Ben didn’t know if he could handle that type of rejection.
“Hey! Are you spiraling? Cause if you are, maybe it is best to keep your distance. Kenji has a lot going on right now and-”
“I know, I know,” Ben said. “I…I don’t know what I want.”
“Yes, you do. It’s the same thing you’ve wanted since you met him four years ago.”
Maybe Ben should’ve called Sammy. She at least would let him down easier. Yaz wasn’t messing around with any bullshit.
“You’re too scared to admit that’s what you want,” Yaz continued. “That’s a very different problem.”
Ben gripped the phone tighter in his hand. She was right. That only made it harder to hear.
“Sorry, that was harsh.”
“No, no,” Ben argued. “I needed to hear it.” He stopped to let Bumpy sniff at a random bit of grass. “It’s…scary. I still can’t quite believe he’d want to be with me. And what if he changes his mind later on and I’m left heartbroken?”
“Aren’t you heartbroken right now?”
“No…yes…maybe?”
“What if it goes right? You ever give that any thought?”
“No, my mind is strictly a worse case scenario kind of person.”
There’s background noise on Yaz’s end. “Alright, I gotta go help Sammy with lunch. Call him, don’t call him. Whatever. But I am not gonna be your go between!”
“That’s fair,” Ben mumbles.
“Bye, Ben!”
“Bye, Ben!” Sammy yells from a distance.
“Bye,” Ben says before hanging up the phone.
Bumpy pulls at her leash and Ben realizes he’s been standing frozen to his spot for a while. He lets Bumpy pull him along the sidewalk until they reach another crosswalk. Ben let’s his gaze wander as they wait.
Across the street, there’s a small ice cream shop. It’s one of the few in Chicago that serves vegan ice cream. Kenji had tried to be nice and swallow down his first spoonful but ultimately failed spectacularly. He’d downed a whole water bottle to get the taste off his mouth. He complained the whole way back to Ben’s apartment about how people should ‘leave well enough alone!’ When they reached his apartment, Kenji complained that the taste still wasn’t off his tongue and said he needed a palette cleanser. That happened to be Ben’s whole mouth. They quickly got distracted after that. Kenji didn’t complain once, despite the fact that Ben had eaten all of his vegan ice cream on the way back.
Ben’s heart clenched in his chest. He missed him. He missed him as a friend, lover, and potential…boyfriend. He missed him so fucking much but he’d missed his chance already. Surely he had.
The light turned green and Ben felt no sense of relief from moving forward.
He never admitted it to anyone, not even Yaz, but he’d been following any and all news about Kenji since their sorta break up. He’d watched Kenji go from night club to fancy restaurant to yacht party. He’d hung out with people that he’d complained about to Ben before. Kenji had always said he liked their quiet weekends hidden away in Ben’s studio apartment but clearly he’d been lying. Right?
Ben didn’t know which version of Kenji was the real Kenji anymore.
Bumpy jerked on the leash again. Ben nearly lost his hold on the handle. “Wow, Bumpy,” Ben gasped. “What’s up?” Bumpy replied with another burst of energy forward. Ben glanced around. There weren’t any other dogs around them that Bumpy was trying to say hi too. Their apartment building was two doors down. She was never so excited to be back in doors again.
“Bumpy, what’s wrong?”
Bumpy kept tugging Ben along the last few steps of their walk. Ben dropped the handle when he saw who was on their doorsteps.
“Hey, Bumps! Who's a good girl,” Kenji cooed.
Ben stood frozen on the sidewalk as Bumpy licked Kenji’s face. He was wearing plain jeans and a black hoodie. He had a hat and sunglasses on. Bumpy’s excited greeting nearly knocked them off his face.
“What are you doing here?” Ben asked.
Kenji looked up at him, sunglasses completely crooked, and his smile dropped.
“I..I didn’t mean it like that,” Ben quickly corrected.
“No, I mean, that’s fair,” Kenji said. He patted Bumpy on the head and then stood. Kenji held out Bumpy’s leash to him.
Ben reached out to take it and then imagined their fingers grazing. He swayed back, hesitating. God, why was he so nervous? He needed to take the leash. It was his dog, after all. Ben was so overly eager to get the awkward moment over with that he ended up yanking the leash out of Kenji’s hand.
Kenji’s frown deepened and he put his sunglasses back on.
“I should-”
“No!” Ben interrupted.
Ben snapped his mouth shut. He didn’t even know what he was objecting to. He dropped his gaze to the floor, resisting the urge to shuffle from one foot to the other or scratch the back of his head. He should say something, anything to get over this very awkward moment.
“I’m sorry I came here,” Kenji mumbled.
“Do you want to come up?” Ben asked.
Even with the sunglasses, Ben could tell he surprised Kenji. After a moment, the other slowly nodded. Ben walked past him, grateful to not have to look at him for a second. Not that he didn’t enjoy looking at Kenji, or that Kenji didn’t look good. He always looked good. But his heart needed a damn minute to settle.
Ben was grateful that he didn't drop his keys as he got the front door open. He lead them up the stairs to the third floor. It was painfully quiet. In the past, when Kenji would visit, he’d have an arm over his shoulder or around his waist. One of them would be talking non stop about something or another. Or they’d both be rushing up the steps, eager to get behind a closed door to-
Ben stopped that train of thought. This was not the moment for that. He had no idea what Kenji was doing here but that surely was not an option today.
Before he knew it, they were in his apartment. Kenji walked in, taking off his hat and sunglasses. He ran a hand through his hair and Ben wanted to mirror his movements to feel the soft strands in his fingers.
They both stood awkwardly at the door for a moment.
“Do you want-”
“I’m sorry,” Kenji blurted out. He was twisting the hat in his hands.
“What?”
“I shouldn’t have come here.” Kenji’s eyes moved to the door, as if thinking up a quick exit strategy.
“Why did you?” Ben asked. He moved closer to Kenji, partially blocking the door. He needed answers before they both chicken out and let another three months go by without talking.
“I…” Kenji dropped his gaze. Ben’s heart clenched at the tears he could hear in his voice.
God, Ben was such an asshole. Here he was wondering if there was any opportunity to fix things between him and Kenji. He’d given no thought to the fact that Kenji was going through hell right now.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” Kenji said. He wiped his face with the sleeve of his hoodie.
Ben was about to reach out when Kenji lifted his gaze again. Tears were streaming down his face.
“Everything is so fucked,” Kenji said. “I don’t know what to do and everyone is looking at me for answers all of a sudden!” He threw his hands up in the air and then started pacing in front of Ben.
“I don’t know how to handle any of this. Dad’s in jail and Candace is a mess. The board is pissed off. I have lawyers and the press calling me every second. Everything is falling apart and the only person I wanted to see was you .”
Ben’s heart skipped a beat.
“And I couldn’t see you cause you broke up with me. But here I am! So pathetic, thinking that-” Kenji stopped pacing and stood in front of Ben. “Thinking that if anything good is gonna come out of this absolute shit show, it- maybe…maybe you-” Kenji dropped his gaze again- “maybe now you’ll…want me,” he whispered the last part.
“What?” Ben gasped.
Kenji cringed. He actually cringed and stepped away from Ben. Fuck, no. That was not what he meant. Damnit, Ben, get a hold of yourself.
“Wait, no,” Ben rushed forward, both hands on Kenji’s arms.
“It’s fine,” Kenji said, voice raw. “It’s fine. I get it.”
“No, I didn’t mean-”
“I’ll go.”
Kenji tried to move out of Ben’s grip but he didn’t budge. Kenji met his gaze, more tears on his face.
“I do want you,” Ben nearly yelled. “Of course I want you. I’ve always wanted you.”
Kenji furrowed his eyebrows. He shook his head. “But, you broke up with me.”
“I know,” Ben said softly.
“You thought I was too rich and self-absorbed. That I should be dating models. You thought I was some superficial-”
“No, no, no,” Ben chanted. “No, that’s-fuck. That’s not what I meant.” Ben shook Kenji a bit as he tried to emphasize his point. He should let go of him. Ben can’t bring himself to do that. He was so scared of losing Kenji again. Especially since he couldn’t string two sentences together.
“What did you mean?”
“I…I thought that’s what you wanted.”
“I wanted you! I want you,” Kenji argued.
It was Ben's turn to pace. “Why?” he asked. “It doesn’t make any sense. You could have anyone you want.”
Kenji’s dark laugh cut through his panic. His gaze was on the floor again. “Not anymore,” he said. “No one wants me now. Fuck, I thought now that I didn’t have the money and fame and power-now you might want me.”
Ben rushed to Kenji’s side again, hands on his upper arms. It was the most contact he allowed himself. Otherwise, he’d crush Kenji to his chest in a tight bearhug.
“It wasn’t that,” Ben said. “It was never about the money or fame.”
“But you didn’t like it. And I get that. Sometimes I hated it too. I hated knowing where it came from and what it meant. I get why you wouldn’t want to put up with that for me.”
“I didn’t think I was enough for you,” Ben yelled. He looked away from Kenji. He said the quiet part out loud. The thing he never wanted to admit to himself in case it turned out to be true.
“How could you think that?”
“Come on, Kenj. You know it’s true.”
“The fuck it is,” Kenji argued. “Hey, look at me.”
His hand came up to Ben’s cheek, nudging his gaze up. Ben couldn’t resist Kenji. He met his gaze with hesitant eyes.
“You’re brilliant and compassionate and-”
“You don’t have to-”
“Shut up, Ben. You’re so passionate. About climate change and your favorite niche interest of the time. You’re funny too. In a dry, sarcastic way. Sometimes in a very dark way. You look like a fucking puppy when you sleep and you love to cuddle.”
“Kenji…”
“I love you,” Kenji blurted. Ben’s mind went blank but then Kenji was gently rubbing his cheek to bring him back to the present. “I love you, Benjamin Fitzgerald Pincus. My whole world is falling apart but not having you in it is the worst part.”
Ben’s mouth opened and closed various times. He wanted to argue back. He wanted to say Kenji wasn’t thinking straight. That his whole world was falling apart and he was clinging to Ben as a life preserve, not out of love but out of desperation.
He couldn’t bring himself to say any of that. Not when Kenji was looking at him like that.
Instead, he leaned down and sealed his lips over Kenji’s. He’d been dreaming of this moment for months. Not only a reunion but a declaration of love. Ben pulled back suddenly.
“I-I love you too,” he said.
Kenji laughed. “That’s good to know. Come here.”
Kenji tugged at the front of his shirt, bringing Ben back down to kiss him again. Ben wrapped one arm around Kenji’s waist, securing him in place, and another around his shoulders, letting his hand bury itself in his soft hair. He had no intention of letting go. Not today or anytime soon.