Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

          Enter HARRY, ROLF, RON, COLIN, HERMIONE, DEMELZA, LUNA and NEVILLE

HARRY, enthusiastically: Hello! Welcome to—

          NEVILLE and COLIN start laughing

HARRY: What?

COLIN: That was so loud.

HERMIONE: I’m going deaf over here.

LUNA: No it’s fine, we’ll just start over and get that clean.

          Cut

HARRY, shouting: Hello!

          DEMELZA and NEVILLE start laughing

HARRY: Welcome to a video! We do videos here! Fun ones! Games!

DEMELZA: What?

RON: Hermione, do you hear a ringing in your ears too?

ROLF: Do we need to take five already? This is literally the first video of the week.

HARRY: No! I’m fine. I’ve got this.

NEVILLE: Reminder to never let Harry take the lead on a video ever again.

HARRY: What? No! It’s awesome when I lead.

HERMIONE: Harry, I’m bleeding from the ears.

LUNA: The rules! Tell us the rules!

HARRY, loudly: Hi!

          Everyone laughs

ROLF: This week is going to be insane if this is how we’re starting Monday.

HARRY: The game is Werewolf! One Night! The One Night version! 

HERMIONE: Harry! Please! My ears!

HARRY: Shhh! This game involves role cards. We each get handed our roles, and three are left face down in the middle. This phone will be telling us when to close or open our eyes and giving us the information on what our roles do. If we are a werewolf we want to hide that we are a werewolf, and if we are a villager we want to catch and eliminate the werewolves. If that’s too difficult to understand, the phone will tell us what to do and you’ll be able to figure it out during the night.

COLIN: Harry, that was such a bad explanation.

HARRY: There are also other roles that involve looking at people's roles or moving them around, and that’ll all come into play when we play. Okay.

RON: We are never letting you lead ever again.

HARRY: I wasn’t that bad!

LUNA: Okay, and there’s eight of us, so we need to have eleven cards in play.

HARRY: Luna, that is my line!

NEVILLE: Yeah, well you were taking forever to say it.

DEMELZA: The cards in play are—

HARRY: I am leading!

COLIN: Classic Potter, silencing women.

HARRY: Ah! No! Don’t put that on me!

ROLF: It’s just the start of the week and I’m already crying, oh my goodness.

LUNA: What are the roles we have in play!?

HARRY: I’m getting there!

RON: Well hurry the bloody Hell up!

HERMIONE: Let’s just take it from the top. Get all of this clean.

          Cut

HARRY: Ahhh! Games! Werewolf! We play as roles and do secret things!

          Everyone laughs

NEVILLE: Oh my God. Can we keep that all in?

GINNY, from off camera: Yeah, absolutely.

DEMELZA: I think we should let Harry lead more often.

HARRY: Thank you!

RON: Tell. Us. The. Roles. We. Have. In. Play.

HARRY: What if I just didn’t? What would you do?

HERMIONE: Oh my God!

HARRY: In this first round we have got two werewolves, two villagers, the seer, the troublemaker, the robber, the tanner, the masons and the insomniac. And you will see what those roles do, when we get to playing. The win conditions are that whoever the werewolves are by the end of the night must both stay alive, whoever the villager team members are must figure out who the werewolves are and vote them out, and since we’re playing with the tanner, the tanner must correctly fool everyone into voting for their elimination.

RON: See that was a much better explanation.

HARRY: Thank you.

DEMELZA: And also, if you’d like to play along you can close your eyes and not watch us do our things.

HARRY: Yeah.

          HARRY shuffles the cards and hands out the roles, leaving three cards in the centre of the table

LUNA: Okay, so I’m the werewolf.

COLIN: Same bestie.

ROLF: Yo, me too.

HERMIONE: Oh my gosh, are we all the werewolf somehow?

HARRY: I only put two werewolf cards in but we all got werewolf.

COLIN: This is about to be the easiest game ever.

HARRY: Okay, I’m starting the game now.

PHONE: Everyone, close your eyes.

COLIN: Yes daddy.

          Everyone closes their eyes

DEMELZA: Colin, we know you like to be bossed around, but not right now.

          COLIN laughs a little

PHONE: Werewolves, wake up, and look for other werewolves.

          LUNA and RON open their eyes

NEVILLE: What if we made eye contact during a game of Werewolf and fell in love?

PHONE: If there is only one werewolf, take a look at one of the centre cards.

HARRY: Don’t even worry Nev, we’ll always be together.

HERMIONE, impersonating the phone: Werewolves, wake up and make out.

PHONE: Werewolves, close your eyes.

          LUNA and RON close their eyes

PHONE: Masons, wake up, and look for other masons.

          NEVILLE opens his eyes

NEVILLE, mouthing to the camera: I’m alone.

LUNA, impersonating the phone: Mason, clean your bedroom.

          HERMIONE laughs

PHONE: Masons, close your eyes.

          NEVILLE closes his eyes

PHONE: Seer, wake up. 

          COLIN opens his eyes

PHONE: You may look at another player's card or two of the centre cards.

LUNA: Oh, that’s big.

          COLIN looks at ROLF’s role

PHONE: Seer, close your eyes.

ROLF: Honk shoo bitch.

          DEMELZA snorts

PHONE: Robber, wake up.

RON, impersonating the phone: Robert, I want a divorce.

          HERMIONE opens her eyes

HERMIONE, impersonating the phone: And I’m taking the kids.

PHONE: Look at another player's card, and then trade it with your own card.

COLIN: Role switching.

ROLF: Someone’s versatile.

          HERMIONE looks at LUNA’s card and then replaces it with her own

PHONE: Robber, close your eyes.

          HERMIONE closes her eyes

HARRY: Mi mi mi mi mi.

PHONE: Troublemaker, wake up.

          ROLF opens his eyes

PHONE: You may exchange cards between two other player’s without looking at their roles.

HARRY: Troublemaker just likes to watch.

ROLF: Kinky!

          ROLF swaps NEVILLE and COLIN’s cards

PHONE: Troublemaker, close your eyes.

          ROLF closes his eyes

DEMELZA: I heard movement.

RON: Whoever this troublemaker is, they’re very loud.

PHONE: Insomniac, wake up, and look at your own card.

LUNA: I thought insomniacs didn’t sleep.

NEVILLE: Yeah, it’s like their whole thing.

PHONE: Insomniac, close your eyes.

DEMELZA: Insomniac’s been trying, boo.

PHONE: Everyone, reach out and move your card around.

          Everyone finds their card and moves it, some more aggressively than others

PHONE: Everyone, wake up.

          Everyone opens their eyes.

NEVILLE: Okay, so does anyone want to confess anything?

HARRY: I will. I’m the troublemaker.

ROLF: Oh, are you now?

HARRY: What was … what’s that about?

ROLF: Oh nothing.

DEMELZA: Well I’m just a plain villager, so you guys can trust me.

LUNA: That sounds like something a werewolf would say.

COLIN: So, Harry, just out of curiosity, if you really are the troublemaker, whose cards did you switch?

ROLF: Yeah Harry, whose cards?

HERMIONE: What is going on over there?

HARRY: Um, I don’t know if I want to say just yet.

ROLF: Oh, don’t you? Don’t you now?

HARRY: Why?

RON: Harry as troublemaker checks out because they were so fucking loud.

          HARRY laughs

COLIN: No it doesn’t.

HARRY: Doesn’t it?

COLIN: I know for a fact that someone else at this table was the troublemaker.

DEMELZA: Are you claiming seer?

COLIN: I might be claiming seer.

HARRY: Whose card did you check?

COLIN: I will wait to let them reveal themself, because there was also a robber going around during the night.

HARRY: Oh, very convenient.

LUNA: Just keep in mind that there is also a tanner trying to make themselves suspicious.

ROLF: Yeah, and I’m thinking it’s a very bold move to be the first to claim something you don’t have. It’s so risky for a werewolf that I’m thinking Harry has to be tanner.

NEVILLE: Harry is also just an idiot, so I would also believe that he would just do that as a werewolf and hope for the best.

HARRY: Gee, thanks Nev. we had a moment. 

NEVILLE: I’m just saying what I know.

HARRY: Well, I am actually the troublemaker, and I think it’s suspicious of Colin to wait a bit and then claim I’m wrong. Like maybe he was waiting to see what roles were available before choosing to use one to accuse someone.

HERMIONE: Yeah, Harry’s tanner. There’s no way he’s good enough of a detective to get that.

HARRY: What!?

DEMELZA: I’m getting a lot of silence from Ron and Luna.

RON: Well, I’m just a regular little guy, so I don’t really have anything to add.

ROLF: You’re a villager?

RON: Yeah, I’m a villager.

NEVILLE: So, I’ll just say this now, I was a mason, but I was also the only mason. My mason friend is in the middle. So I had no one to make homoerotic eye contact with during the night.

ROLF: Oh no, that’s so tragic.

HARRY: We can make homoerotic eye contact now.

NEVILLE: Not if you’re the tanner.

HARRY: I’m not!

DEMELZA: Wait, that’s so fucked! “You tried to kill yourself, ew!”

HERMIONE: Okay well, I was the robber.

HARRY: Just ignore my suffering, fine!

ROLF: So you admit, you’re the tanner?

HARRY: … no.

COLIN: That was so unconvincing!

DEMELZA: But what if this is just a werewolf play? Make you guys think he’s the tanner so you don’t vote for him?

RON: He is not smart enough to pull that off.

HARRY: Oh my gosh! You guys are so mean to me!

COLIN: Is that why you’re trying to kill yourself?

HARRY: You guys are going to feel so bad when you find out I’m the troublemaker!

ROLF: Except you’re literally not! I am!

HERMIONE: Guys, he is the tanner! We need to put our energy into finding the werewolves!

DEMELZA: Hermione, you claim to be robber, who did you steal from?

HERMIONE: I stole from Colin. I’m now the seer.

COLIN: Yeah that tracks.

ROLF: Interesting that you waited until after finding out what a bunch of people were before claiming anything.

HERMIONE: What do you mean? You don’t think I’m the robber?

ROLF: I believe you were the robber at the beginning, I just don’t know if I believe you actually took the seer’s role.

LUNA: Oh, so you could be the werewolf now.

HERMIONE: Yeah, but I’m not.

NEVILLE: Rolf, you are throwing so much shade.

RON: Yeah, I don’t know if I believe that you’re the troublemaker.

LUNA: Well he’s not.

ROLF: No. Absolutely not, Luna.

LUNA: I was the troublemaker.

ROLF: Fuck right off with that bullshit, you liar!

COLIN: You are not the troublemaker! I was the seer! I saw Rolf’s card! Right from the beginning the two of us have been suspicious of Harry for claiming it, and you’ve been sitting there silently!

LUNA: I’m playing the long game.

DEMELZA: We only have five minutes, you cannot do this!

RON: Oh fuck, I don’t know who to believe.

HARRY: I think you should believe in me, for once.

DEMELZA: No.

ROLF: Fuck off and fuck both of you! I am the troublemaker! 

LUNA: No! I am, and I’ll even tell you whose cards I moved! Ron and Hermione’s!

ROLF: No! Fuck you!

HARRY: No, I moved Ron and Hermione’s cards.

RON: Shut up Harry, we all know you’re the tanner!

HERMIONE: Colin was the seer, I took his card. So that makes me so suspicious of you, Luna.

HARRY: Guys, what if Luna is the tanner and Rolf and Colin are the werewolves?

DEMELZA: Harry, give up.

NEVILLE: He’s trying, but none of us are going to assist in his suicide.

RON: I don’t think it’s Luna. I’m much more suspicious of Demelza and Neville, because if there’s only one werewolf, they could easily just pretend to be whatever card they saw in the centre.

NEVILLE: Yeah, but that would be so risky of me to claim mason when I didn’t know if there was another mason to refute that I didn’t wake up during the night.

RON: Yeah, that’s true. So, Luna is suspicious, but I don’t think Demelza is safe.

ROLF: That makes no sense. You are making no sense. There are three people claiming troublemaker, so one of us has to be the werewolf. You are making no sense.

RON: Oh, that’s right actually.

HARRY: I think Rolf is the werewolf.

COLIN: No, it is Luna. Luna is obviously the werewolf.

HERMIONE: It’s Luna. It is so Luna.

RON: It seems like it has to be, yeah.

DEMELZA: But also, it’s so risky to claim troublemaker right at the end when it’s already being debated.

NEVILLE: Yeah but Harry’s too dumb for this to be a werewolf play and Rolf’s claim to troublemaking and tomfoolery has too much supporting evidence.

HARRY: You guys are going to feel so bad.

LUNA: You shouldn’t vote for me. I’m the troublemaker.

RON: See, it is really weird to claim that at the end, so now I actually can’t tell between her and Harry.

HARRY: Ron, please, you have to believe me.

COLIN: It’s Luna. It is so Luna.

NEVILLE: Of course the one with the moon themed name gets werewolf first round.

ROLF: Hey, my name means wolf, so we’d make a great werewolf pair.

LUNA: We would.

DEMELZA: That would be so sick.

PHONE: Three … two … one … vote!

LUNA: Oh no.

          LUNA and HARRY point at ROLF

          NEVILLE, DEMELZA, RON, ROLF, COLIN and HERMIONE point at LUNA

LUNA: Damn it.

RON: Oh gosh.

COLIN: We win right?

          LUNA turns over her card to reveal robber

LUNA: What!?

HERMIONE: Haha!

          HERMIONE flips her card to reveal werewolf

HERMIONE: I got you all!

ROLF: Oh my gosh, I knew it! I even said it was suspicious to wait that long to claim!

RON: Wait…!

          RON holds up his werewolf card

RON: I fully thought it was still Luna and I. I was fully just about to admit defeat there.

HERMIONE: You’re welcome.

NEVILLE: Um, so Harry?

HARRY: You guys….

          HARRY flips his card to reveal tanner

HARRY: Do you feel bad, now?

DEMELZA: No, we were right.

HARRY: Yeah, but you guys didn’t have to be so mean about it!

ROLF: I am so happy and so pissed at the same time.

HARRY: See, I knew it was Ron the moment he started backtracking. But I just needed you guys to think it was me. 

COLIN: Yeah, but you went about it in a really dumb way.

HARRY: You guys are the worst friends ever.

NEVILLE: Well, Harry, we prevented your suicide, so I think that actually makes us the greatest friends ever.

COLIN: Oh wait.

          COLIN shows the camera his mason card

COLIN: I somehow ended up with this?

ROLF: Oh yeah, I switched yours and Neville’s cards, but I don’t think I brought it up once.

NEVILLE: Yeah, I really got the “you have a friend” card, only to not have a friend.

DEMELZA: That’s so funny.

          HARRY collects the cards to shuffle them again

RON: So, Luna, what happened there?

LUNA: I knew there weren’t really any roles I could claim without being suspicious, so I figured it would be best to just hop on an already suspicious couple of people. But it backfired.

COLIN: Yeah, our story was too airtight.

HERMIONE: It worked in our favour in the end.

DEMELZA: Maybe it worked in your favour.

HARRY: Okay, new round.

          HARRY hands out the roles and NEVILLE hums

LUNA: Damn, werewolf again.

DEMELZA: Oh yeah, totally. 

HERMIONE: I mean she was actually werewolf last time.

ROLF: That is true.

HARRY: We’re starting!

PHONE: Everyone, close your eyes.

          Everyone closes their eyes

DEMELZA: God, I love that voice.

PHONE: Werewolves, wake up, and look for other werewolves.

          COLIN opens his eyes

ROLF, impersonating the phone: Werewolves, suck my dick.

HERMIONE: This isn’t One Night Vampires!

PHONE: If there is only one werewolf, take a look at one of the centre cards.

          COLIN looks at a card from the centre

COLIN: Is One Night Vampires a thing?

NEVILLE: Yeah, but it’s so much more complicated because there’s a Dawn and a Night and so many extra tokens that affect your role and whatnot.

ROLF: It would be fun, but it would involve such a long explanation.

PHONE: Werewolves, close your eyes.

          COLIN closes his eyes

COLIN: This guys voice is like ASMR.

LUNA: Specifically the sexy boyfriend stuff though.

COLIN: Uh, that’s the only type I watch.

          DEMELZA laughs a little

PHONE: Masons, wake up, and looke for other masons.

          HERMIONE and DEMELZA open their eyes and DEMELZA winks

HARRY: So does anyone have any plans for Valentine’s Day, or…?

PHONE: Masons, close your eyes.

          HERMIONE and DEMELZA close their eyes

HERMIONE: Maybe.

LUNA: Depends on how many of us want to reveal if we’re single or not on camera.

ROLF: Nah, I think it’s funny to let the viewers try and figure it out. Let them make their edits and write their fics.

PHONE: Seer, wake up.

ROLF: Seer, get the fuck out of bed.

RON: You heard it here first, Rolf is A-okay with RPF.

          ROLF laughs loudly

PHONE: You may choose to look at another player's card or two of the centre cards.

HARRY: I’d be curious to know which of those two are actually more helpful.

LUNA: I think they’re both very helpful, but just for different reasons.

HARRY: Yeah, but I feel like they’re just so different that it’s weird to have one role do either.

PHONE: Seer, close your eyes. Robber, wake up.

NEVILLE, impersonating the phone: Robert, help me do the dishes for once.

HERMIONE: Gosh, the voice is so funny.

COLIN: He’s just such a dramatic voice actor, and the emphasis is used so liberally.

PHONE: You may look at another player's card and then switch that with your own card.

ROLF: Huge.

HARRY: Robert might be a dickhead out of the sheets, but in bed he can play either role.

DEMELZA: Top in the streets, switch in the sheets.

PHONE: Robber, close your eyes.

COLIN: I want this man to whisper sweet nothings in my ear.

RON: Colin, we know.

PHONE: Troublemaker, wake up.

          LUNA opens her eyes

NEVILLE, impersonating the phone: You scoundrel.

          HERMIONE, HARRY and ROLF laugh

PHONE: You may switch cards between two other players without looking at their roles.

          LUNA swaps RON and ROLF’s cards

PHONE: Troublemaker, close your eyes.

HARRY, impersonating the phone: Scalliwag.

          LUNA closes her eyes

          ROLF and COLIN burst out laughing

COLIN: Scalliwag is such an old man insult!

DEMELZA: Gosh, I forget about that word.

PHONE: Insomniac, wake up.

          NEVILLE opens his eyes

ROLF: Someone needs some melatonin gummies.

PHONE: You may look at your own card.

          NEVILLE checks his card and shakes his head

LUNA: Honestly, insomniac seems like such a weak card.

NEVILLE: Yeah.

PHONE: Insomniac, close your eyes.

ROLF: Girl, give them the melatonin first.

          NEVILLE closes his eyes

PHONE: Everyone, reach out and move your card around.

          Everyone touches their card and moves them, ROLF being aggressive enough to hit NEVILLE

NEVILLE: Ah! What are you doing?

PHONE: Everyone, wake up.

          Everyone opens their eyes

NEVILLE: I was assaulted during the sunrise.

HERMIONE: Okay, and I’m just going to claim this now, but Demelza and I were the masons.

DEMELZA: Yes, we made very intense eye contact. It was super gay and intense and sexy.

HERMIONE: Uh yeah, I am pregnant now. Demelza impregnated me with her eyes.

HARRY: Well, how do we know you aren’t werewolves trying to claim to be masons?

LUNA: Well, no one else is claiming mason.

COLIN: Yeah, and I was the seer, and I chose to check the centre, and there was one werewolf card in there. So, two werewolves can’t be claiming mason since there’s one card in the centre.

DEMELZA: What was the other card?

COLIN: I’m going to abstain from saying until I hear more from everyone else.

HARRY: Really?

ROLF: It’s a little suspicious to claim you got seer two times in a row.

COLIN: Yeah, I was surprised too.

ROLF: Yeah.

LUNA: Um, well this time I really was the troublemaker, and I swapped Ron and Rolf’s cards.

RON: Okay.

ROLF: Hmm. That makes things awkward for us.

RON: Well, I was a villager to start off with.

ROLF: Okay. So you’re saying that I am now a villager, and you are now what I started as?

RON: What did you start as?

ROLF: I was something.

NEVILLE: God, I can’t tell if Rolf is just being weird or if this is some strange play to get Ron voted for.

RON: Why don’t you want to tell me what my new role is?

ROLF: I want to hold off on saying anything until I know without reasonable doubt that Luna is telling the truth. Because she could be lying.

HARRY: She does have the potential to be a liar. And, I actually think she is lying. Or, either she’s lying or someone is a robber and doesn’t want to fess up.

NEVILLE: Why would you say that?

HARRY: Because let’s just say when I checked under my pillow there was something amiss.

NEVILLE: No there wasn’t.

HARRY: My card now says villager.

ROLF: I don’t think it does. Unless Ron is lying.

RON: I’m not lying.

COLIN: Harry, are you tanner again?

HARRY: No, I just told you, I was the insomniac and now I’m a villager.

ROLF: We can’t do this again.

NEVILLE: You are not the insomniac and you have never been the insomniac. I was the insomniac and my card remained the same at the end of the night.

HERMIONE: Oh no, it’s happening again.

DEMELZA: Harry, you’ve got to be tanner again, right?

HARRY: No, I’m not. I was the insomniac.

LUNA: Or could he be the werewolf? Because Colin said there was only one.

COLIN: Yeah, so the two cards I saw in the middle were werewolf and robber, so the other card could be the second werewolf card and there’s no werewolves, just a tanner, or I did think it was possible that Luna could be the werewolf and since the werewolf sees one of the middle cards, she saw the troublemaker and decided it was safe to claim. But that depends entirely on what the third card I didn’t see was.

RON: That’s true.

LUNA: No, and I respect your suspicions.

DEMELZA: But why can’t Harry be the werewolf?

HARRY: Because I’m literally an insomniac turned villager.

HERMIONE: So if Harry was the werewolf, he would get to see a centre card and he could easily just claim whatever card he saw, like robber. But he’s claiming a card that Neville says is his, and also trying to throw shade on people. Which, to me, says he’s trying to make himself a target more than he’s trying to protect himself.

HARRY: I’m telling the truth, I don’t know what else you want from me.

COLIN: Okay, so now we just have to figure out if we think both werewolves are in the centre or if there is one running around.

ROLF: So, Colin, and this is just a wild accusation for the sake of bringing it up, there is every chance you were the lone werewolf and you saw the seer card in the middle.

DEMELZA: I’m not following.

HARRY: Yes, please explain.

COLIN: But how could I know that robber isn’t in play then?

ROLF: Well that’s my point, you said earlier that you didn’t want to reveal what the second middle card was because what if you didn’t know what was in play? And obviously, if you’re the lone wolf you’ll know that one of the centre cards has to be a werewolf, so claiming seer and then revealing that would be smart.

COLIN: It’s … it’s possible.

NEVILLE: I think that’s a bit of a stretch.

LUNA: Yeah, there’s really no reason to suspect anyone of anything.

HARRY: There is plenty of reason to suspect you and Neville of lying.

RON: Harry, shut up. We know you’re the tanner again.

HERMIONE: The difficulty here is that, there’s obviously only one werewolf, and Rolf is sort of right in that literally any of us could claim to be whatever card we saw in the middle.

DEMELZA: Well, except for you and I.

HERMIONE: Like, Harry is definitely trying to make himself a target, but that doesn’t mean Neville isn’t the werewolf. Because claiming insomniac and then saying your card didn’t change is a safe bet.

ROLF: Yeah.

RON: And you still haven’t told us what you started as.

ROLF: That’s just because I wasn’t initially sure I fully believed Luna, and I’m still not sure. But I was a villager, so when our cards got switched we just ended up with the same roles anyway, but that seemed so unlikely that I just wasn’t sure.

COLIN: Okay, well I believe that Ron and Rolf are probably innocent, because if one of them was the werewolf to start off, they’d just instantly tell us that the other was the werewolf now since Luna swapped them. 

HERMIONE: So, suspicions are on Luna,  Neville, Colin or no werewolves, basically?

HARRY, struggling to hold it together: I think a whole bunch of lying has happened.

NEVILLE: Shut up. Why is Colin suspicious?

COLIN: Rolf is correct that I could be lying, that maybe I saw seer and claimed it, but the same could be said for you or Luna.

DEMELZA: Gosh, this is so much harder when there’s less screaming.

RON: Yeah, I really can’t tell.

ROLF, joking: Hey, maybe it’s Harry?

HARRY: Don’t you do this to me right now.

DEMELZA: Or maybe this game just knows that Harry is severely depressed.

          HARRY puts his head on the table and makes a high pitched wheezing noise

HARRY: Guys I’m really trying to win over here.

LUNA: You’re not very good at tanner.

HARRY: Can you guys just vote for me to give me the win?

COLIN: We have resorted to begging for death.

ROLF: I don’t know, he looks like a sad puppy, I’m kinda tempted to kill him.

NEVILLE: Unrelated to the game, Rolf just wants to murder Harry.

          HARRY and ROLF laugh

ROLF: I mean after last round, and the fact that he keeps claiming the role that I am, a little bit.

LUNA: It doesn’t feel like there’s enough evidence to vote for anyone, so I think it’s safe to vote for the middle.

HERMIONE: There is no way we’re going to figure out who is or isn’t lying. I mean, the possible liars are Luna, Colin and Neville. 

COLIN: I believe Neville. I’m a little suspicious of Luna, but not enough to want to vote for her.

RON: So we all just vote for the middle?

HARRY: Or we could vote for me and just give me the win.

LUNA: Stop pouting. You’re making me actually think about doing that.

HERMIONE: I’m not. I think we just vote middle.

DEMELZA: You’re my partner in this, so I’m happy to do that with you.

NEVILLE: So do we just vote early?

RON: I think so.

HARRY: Yeah and, remember that I’m an option.

COLIN: Oh we know. You won’t stop crying about it.

ROLF: If Harry wasn’t suicidal before this game started, he sure will be once we’re done with him!

          NEVILLE taps the phone

PHONE: Vote!

          LUNA votes for HARRY and HARRY votes for himself

ROLF, HERMIONE, DEMELZA, COLIN, RON and NEVILLE vote for the middle

HARRY: Wow, thanks.

LUNA: I just felt kinda bad.

          COLIN turns over his card to reveal werewolf

COLIN: Get fucked losers!

HERMIONE: Wow, good game.

ROLF: I … gosh, I had my suspicions and I should have been more vocal!

NEVILLE: There was genuinely just no way to know.

DEMELZA: That whole time I really thought that if anyone was the werewolf it was Luna.

LUNA: No, I’m just naturally a very suspicious person.

HARRY: And apparently I’m not.

DEMELZA: I can’t believe you got tanner again.

HARRY: Yeah, I know. I saw it and I was so worried. 

NEVILLE: In the next round, can we replace the insomniac with something else? It’s kind of a boring card.

HARRY: Yeah, absolutely.

          Cut

HARRY: Okay, so for this round we have replaced the insomniac with the minion. And what the minion does is they know who the initial werewolves are, and their job is to make sure the werewolves don’t get caught, even if that means sacrificing themself.

COLIN: So we’ve added another suicidal role.

HERMIONE: Basically, yeah.

          HARRY shuffles the cards and hands everyone their roles

LUNA: Werewolf.

RON: Are you just going to say that every time?

LUNA: We’ll see.

HARRY: Okay, we’re starting.

PHONE: Everyone, close your eyes.

          Everyone closes their eyes

ROLF: Mm, mm, mm.

HERMIONE: Stop!

PHONE: Werewolves, wake up, and look for other werewolves.

ROLF: Oh, so Colin can call him Daddy, but I can’t hum?

          HERMIONE and DEMELZA open their eyes and make surprised faces at each other

COLIN: Exactly. 

DEMELZA, mouthing you the camera: Us again?

PHONE: If there is only one werewolf, you may look at a card from the centre.

LUNA: Why are we even trying to catch the werewolves in this game? What is the lore?

PHONE: Werewolves, close your eyes.

          HERMIONE and DEMELZA close their eyes

HARRY: I think it’s got something to do with the original Ultimate Werewolf game.

PHONE: Minion, wake up.

          HARRY opens his eyes

NEVILLE: So the original game has multiple nights, and over those nights the werewolves are killing people off.

PHONE: Werewolves, stick your thumb out so the minion can see who you are.

          HERMIONE and DEMELZA stick their thumbs out

RON: So that’s how that works.

LUNA: But what about nice werewolves? Like the ones in Twilight.

ROLF: God, Luna, you would be a Twilight fan.

HERMIONE: Oh shit.

LUNA: What’s wrong with Twilight? Well, aside from everything.

          Everyone laughs a little

PHONE: Werewolves, put your thumb away.

          Everyone laughs harder

HARRY: I’m sorry, what!?

COLIN: That is hilarious!

PHONE: Minion, close your eyes.

          HARRY closes his eyes

RON, impersonating the phone: Hey, put that thing away you sick perverts.

DEMELZA: That’s amazing.

PHONE: Masons, wake up, and look for other masons.

LUNA: So um, I can’t wait for all of the Twihards to defend me in the comments when this video goes up.

ROLF: Oh come on! You like Twilight?

LUNA: Yeah! It’s unintentionally very funny.

PHONE: Masons, close your eyes.

RON: Can we just talk about how loaded Rolf’s response was?

NEVILLE: I know. I felt the rage.

PHONE: Seer, wake up.

          ROLF opens his eyes

ROLF: What was so loaded about it?

PHONE: You may look at another player's card, or two of the center cards.

DEMELZA: Oh, there was hatred there.

          ROLF checks NEVILLE’s card

COLIN: What do you have against Twilight fans?

PHONE: Seer, close your eyes.

          ROLF closes his eyes

ROLF: I just don’t like that we’re supposed to think anyone in those books gave a crap about Bella. None of them did.

LUNA: Yes, but also it is kind of hilarious that Bella is supposed to love the sunshine but she’s Bella so like, what? When do we ever see her want to be outside?

PHONE: Robber, wake up.

          RON opens his eyes

HARRY: Viewing Twilight as a comedy would probably fix everything.

PHONE: You may view another player's card and switch it with your own card.

          RON looks at LUNA’s card before swapping it with his

COLIN: I think that about most overly dramatic romances.

DEMELZA: Really?

NEVILLE: Not a big romance guy?

COLIN: I like romcoms because they don’t take themselves too seriously, but once the romance genre starts taking itself too seriously I have a hard time enjoying it. Because what even is the conflict most of the time if it’s not silly and goofy?

PHONE: Robber, close your eyes.

          RON closes his eyes

PHONE: Troublemaker, wake up.

          COLIN opens his eyes

NEVILLE: Really? I’m the opposite, I can’t do romcoms but I do like more dramatic romance.

HERMIONE: Wow, we’ve got such a diverse group of romance enjoyers and haters here.

PHONE: You may switch the cards of two other players without viewing their role.

DEMELZA: Anyone here hate romance full stop?

HARRY: I mean kinda?

          COLIN swaps DEMELZA and NEVILLE’s cards

HARRY: I feel like there’s been a couple of classics that I’ve enjoyed but I would probably never go out of my way to watch a romance.

ROLF: Romance is my favourite. Although, I’m not enjoying how formulaic it’s become. It’s really hard to find a good romance when all the authors are just writing to hit certain tropes and feed an algorithm.

PHONE: Troublemaker, close your eyes.

          COLIN closes his eyes

HERMIONE: I think that’s true for any genre where the author clearly isn’t actually passionate about the story.

ROLF: Yeah, I’ve just noticed a trend of writing to hit certain tropes in romance, instead of just writing a story that flows.

LUNA: I’m in a bit of a love hate relationship with the romance genre too, honestly. Because sometimes it’s so clear that the author just thinks forbidden romance is hot and doesn’t care about addressing the control issues of a parent or the prejudices of interracial or queer relationships.

PHONE: Everyone, reach out and move your card around.

NEVILLE: That’s very true.

          Everyone reaches out to move their card around, ROLF once again hitting NEVILLE

NEVILLE: How do you keep hitting me!? There are a whole two people between us!

ROLF: I don’t know dude.

PHONE: Everyone, wake up.

          Everyone opens their eyes

ROLF: So, uh, I was the seer and Neville is the tanner, so don’t vote for him.

NEVILLE: Right. Yes. Okay then.

HARRY: Okay but, how do we know that’s the case? You could be lying to protect your buddy.

COLIN: I will say, I swapped Nev and Demi’s cards, so technically, unless something else went bump in the night, Demelza is the tanner.

NEVILLE: Right….

DEMELZA: Did you now?

RON: That other side of the table are always arguing.

HARRY: I hate to do this, I really do, Rolf is a liar. Because I am the seer.

ROLF: Don’t you fucking dare! You have claimed my role every single fucking round dude!

HARRY: Now, I know how this looks, and I promise this is not intentional, but I am the seer, which means Rolf is lying about Neville being the tanner.

NEVILLE: Well, I was, but Demelza is now the tanner if Colin is to be believed.

HARRY: No, you two are lying! 

HERMIONE: What is happening right now.

LUNA: I just feel like it’s worth pointing out that there is a minion among us, and that if Rolf knew Neville was the werewolf he might lie to protect.

ROLF: No, no, no, no, no! I am the seer! Harry, you piece of shit, you cannot keep doing this to me!

          HARRY tries not to laugh

HERMIONE: Rolf, are you the minion?

ROLF: No! I’m the seer! 

DEMELZA: I … I don’t know what to say. 

COLIN: Wait, this is confusing now. Because if we believe Rolf, Demelza is the tanner, but if we believe Harry, Demelza is the werewolf. And if we’re wrong we lose. We need to figure this out.

NEVILLE: I was um … so I’m confused. Demelza, what role did you start as?

HARRY: Demelza was a mason to start off with.

DEMELZA: Yeah, but I was a lonely mason.

ROLF: I am going to rip your head off. Harry! What are you doing right now!? Are you a werewolf or a minion!?

LUNA: Or did you somehow manage to get tanner again?

ROLF: No, he didn’t! Because I saw that Neville was the tanner but Colin switched his card with Demelza’s!

HERMIONE: Does anyone else want to claim anything? Because there’s whole lot of silence on our side of the table.

LUNA: I’m just a silly little guy.

RON: Well, you were, but I stole your identity.

HERMIONE: Okay, so I was also a villager, and is there going to be anything said to refute that?

ROLF: Someone here, is lying. Harry is either a werewolf or a minion, and that makes this difficult because the werewolves still win if we vote for the minion but if we don’t vote for him and he was the werewolf we lose!

COLIN: I feel like it’s worth pointing out, that clearly the teams are either Rolf and Neville or Harry and Demelza.

HARRY: I’m definitely not on Demelza’s side.

HERMIONE: Well, Neville, if you started as werewolf, you should reveal who the other werewolf is if there was one. But if you started as the tanner, I guess that clears things up. This all sort of rests on you, because you’re the mason now since that was Demelza’s role.

RON: I’m so confused.

ROLF: No! No guys, this is bad! This is so bad!

COLIN: What if, just throwing this out there, Demelza was a werewolf to start and that’s why Harry vouched for her, and now that makes Neville the werewolf?

DEMELZA: I was a mason, but I don’t know if I trust Harry or not. But you knew my card, so maybe I should? I don’t know.

LUNA: Neville, this is all on you.

NEVILLE: Right, well, in that case, Rolf is lying, but not because he’s the minion.

ROLF: No! No! No! Absolutely not! You cannot do this to me!

NEVILLE: Rolf and I got werewolf together and I was startled at the start of the discussion period because instantly trying to claim roles for us was crazy.

ROLF: I am surrounded by liars! Do not believe a word out of this man's mouth!

RON: So Demelza is definitely a werewolf then?

DEMELZA: No. I, that’s not me.

NEVILLE: Well, I’m not entirely convinced she would still be the werewolf. If you stole her role, you could now be the werewolf.

          COLIN sits back in thought

RON: What makes you think I did that?

NEVILLE: Well it’s just a possibility, we can’t actually be sure you stole Luna’s role. But Rolf is definitely a werewolf.

ROLF: Ron, please, listen to me. We vote for Neville.

HERMIONE: What?

COLIN, mumbling to himself: Doesn’t the troublemaker go after the robber? 

ROLF: Listen to me! Harry is lying! Neville is lying too because he is now the werewolf, and Demelza doesn’t want to confirm or deny anything because she is the tanner and she wants you to vote for her. That’s also why Neville doesn’t want you to vote for her.

HERMIONE: No, it’s got to be you. 

ROLF: Hermione please! It is not me! We will lose if we vote for me!

RON: Well, I know that I’m not the werewolf, and I feel much safer voting for Demelza than for Rolf.

HARRY: I don’t know if I trust that Demelza is definitely the other werewolf, but I am pretty certain that Rolf is lying about something. I don’t know if he’s a werewolf or the minion though.

LUNA: If Rolf is the minion and we vote for him werewolves still win.

COLIN: I’m on Rolf’s side, I think we vote Nev.

RON: You two have been teaming up this entire time.

COLIN: Give us a reason not to and we’ll stop!

DEMELZA: Hermione, think about the passionate night we shared not so long ago. Think about our child!

          COLIN closes his eyes and shakes his head

HERMIONE: I say we vote Rolf. It feels like the safest bet.

RON: It does not feel safe in the slightest!

LUNA: I have no idea what’s going on.

ROLF: Guys, Harry, Neville and Demelza are likely to just vote for me anyway, Colin and I are voting Neville, you three need to be on our side for us to win.

HERMIONE: No, he’s getting desperate, he’s definitely the werewolf.

ROLF: No! I am not! Please! We need to vote for Neville!

COLIN: Hermione is the other werewolf.

HERMIONE: No, I’m not, it just looks really bad for Rolf right now.

RON: Your name literally means wolf, as you brought up earlier.

ROLF: No! We will lose if we do this! 

LUNA: Gosh, I don’t know.

RON: This is so difficult.

DEMELZA: I am voting Rolf.

NEVILLE: Guys it’s Rolf. We literally made eye contact.

ROLF: No we didn’t! I am the seer! I saw that Neville was the tanner!

HARRY: No you are not! I am!

ROLF: Harry, I am going to make you pay for this!

HERMIONE: See you keep trying to say Neville is either tanner or werewolf, do you want us to vote for him or not?

ROLF: Yes!

RON: Okay, it’s Rolf.

ROLF: I am losing my mind. You can’t do this to me.

          HARRY opens his mouth

ROLF: Don’t! You will shut your trap and you will stop claiming my roles!

COLIN: I think it’s clearly Neville and maybe Harry, I don’t know about minions or second werewolves, but Harry and Neville are definitely together.

HERMIONE: I don’t know, but I trust Rolf less.

RON: I don’t know! I want to vote Demelza.

NEVILLE: We can’t be sure you didn’t steal Demelza’s card. And the fact that you keep pushing for her makes me suspicious of you.

COLIN: I don’t think Ron can actually be werewolf. I don’t think the turn order would allow it.

HERMIONE: It’s Rolf. It’s definitely Rolf.

LUNA: Colin could be the minion because he’s so set on protecting Rolf. But in that case he’s lied about moving cards, so why would he want to vote for Neville? Nevermind that’s silly.

ROLF: Luna, please, you know it’s not me. Luna. Luna look at me. I am begging you, please vote for Neville.

RON: God, is it Neville?

DEMELZA: No, I started as a mason, so it’s definitely not Neville.

ROLF: Listen to me! It is Neville! Harry is either the minion or the werewolf and he’s trying to put it on me!

HERMIONE: I don’t know, would Harry be able to pull that off?

HARRY: Seriously?

COLIN: Hermione! Are you the other werewolf?

HERMIONE: No, I’m just a villager.

DEMELZA: I’m so confused right now. I’m starting to have doubts.

HARRY: Guys, it is clearly Rolf!

ROLF: Harry, I will rip out your throat and force feed it to you through your anus!

          …

HARRY: Woah.

ROLF: Sorry, that got a little intense.

LUNA: I’m starting to believe Rolf. I don’t think he’d get this intense if he was lying.

COLIN: It’s Neville and Hermione.

HARRY: Colin, I don’t know what we need to say to convince you.

HERMIONE: I don’t know why I’m being randomly accused.

RON: Yeah, that’s a little weird. First I’m being suggested, then Hermione. You guys are just throwing out wild accusations everywhere.

HARRY: Vote Rolf.

DEMELZA: Shit, we’re out of time!

PHONE: Three … two … one … vote!

RON: Ah! I don’t know!

          ROLF, COLIN and LUNA vote for NEVILLE

          RON votes for DEMELZA

          HERMIONE, HARRY, NEVILLE and DEMELZA vote for ROLF

ROLF: Fuck!

          ROLF flips his card to reveal he was the seer

ROLF: Fuck, every single one of you! Fuck you, fuck you, especially fuck you!

          ROLF shoves a middle finger in HARRY’s face as he laughs

HARRY: I can’t believe that worked.

          HERMIONE turns her card over to reveal werewolf

HERMIONE: Colin, how on Earth did you figure it out?

COLIN: I just didn’t think you were putting enough consideration into the possibility that it was Neville.

          NEVILLE holds up his werewolf card

NEVILLE: I came in, prepared to make myself look suspicious and I ended up fighting for my life. When Rolf revealed me, I was fully going to try and make us look like minion and werewolf so you’d still vote me.

HARRY: Mate.

          HARRY reveals that he was the minion

HARRY: I had to get the other suicidal role. I really did.

ROLF: You had to claim my role! Yet again! Mothefucker!

LUNA: I believed you.

HARRY: I saw an opening, and it was too funny to pass up on.

DEMELZA: I was so confused that entire time. I started as the werewolf with Hermione, and then Neville claimed he and Rolf were the werewolves and I didn’t know if I should go along with it or not because obviously I was the tanner.

NEVILLE: That’s where I had to throw suspicion Ron’s way, because I didn’t want people voting for you.

          Cut

HARRY: This has been One Night Ultimate Werewolf. It’s very fun, I don’t think Rolf is ever trusting me ever again.

ROLF: I most certainly am not.

HARRY: But, let us know if you liked this game, if you want to see us play it again, if you want to see us play different Ultimate games. There’s also other roles that really complicate things like the Doppelganger. But yeah, we hope you enjoyed. Bye!

LUNA: That was a better volume.

RON: Still never letting you lead again.

—

COMMENTS

wolfgirl395: cant believe yt hid this video from me for a full 3 mins

ShootingStarr_8: I would LOVE if these guys got daybreak or extra roles and did a video with the whole gang!!!

jamietodrick88: I love this game!!! It’s so fun!! I hope they do more videos with it!!!

kennethkatiethelozer: The golden trio, Harry being depressed, Rolf losing his mind, Colin finally being allowed to show how smart he is, Demione fpreg??? This video has it all

throneofassenjoyer: U just kno Tori and Han would eat this game up

DiscoAtThePanic79368: Finally got Demione on camera

hogwildernessfan: Lowkey an ONUV video would be sick as hell because that game is so fun

ronrolfisreal: Colin being the unexpected champion of this game is not something I knew I needed!

metalliclovehearts28: We need a regular Ultimate Werewolf video with role play now!

sarahmichellesinclair892: Hogwild or homework? The age old question.

lavenderhazetintedglasses: “Rolf says rpf is fine” does he now? 😏

staraniseofthesea567: Whatever Rolf is feeling this video, I am firmly on his side.

Chapter Text

          Enter ASTORIA, ROLF, HARRY, HANNAH, GINNY and HERMIONE

ASTORIA: Hello, and welcome to the video. Today we will be playing a very popular game, Cards Against Humanity. You probably know how it goes, but just in case you don’t, we have black cards with prompts and white cards with answers. Each round one person will be the card master, and they will select whichever response they think is funniest. And, we’ve got the regular deck and the family deck with us today.

HERMIONE: Now, see, that was a good intro.

HARRY: Okay!

ROLF: And the goal of this game is to be offensive?

ASTORIA: No, see, you’re supposed to be funny.

ROLF: By being offensive.

HANNAH: Just remember everything you say is being filmed right now.

ASTORIA: We each start with a hand of ten white cards.

          Everyone collects their hands

HARRY: Oh my. Some of these cards are crazy.

ROLF: Well, I think I’ve got this game in the bag.

HERMIONE: So, who goes first?

ASTORIA: I think the rules said whoever took a shit last.

HARRY: What?

HANNAH: I believe that.

GINNY: Wait, I don’t remember seeing that.

ASTORIA: Look at the rules, that’s what it says!

GINNY: Are you sure?

ROLF: Astoria, more like hysteria, am I right?

          ROLF raises his hand for a high five

ASTORIA: Oh my….

          GINNY laughs

HANNAH: I am not dignifying that with a response.

ASTORIA: That was so hot, we should make out.

          ROLF laughs

GINNY: Girl, you can’t fix him.

ASTORIA: Yes I can! Through the power of being a manic pixie dream girl! Now who shit last?

HARRY: We need someone to look at the rules for us.

ASTORIA: This is so typical. Men not believing women.

HARRY: You guys can’t keep doing this to me.

HERMIONE: Stop being problematic and we will.

HARRY: Me!? Did you not hear what Rolf just said!?

ASTORIA: Why would I make up the shitting bit? Why would I do that?

GINNY: So that we’d be forced to tell you about our bowel movements.

ASTORIA: Well, you’ve got me there.

DEMELZA, from off camera: The rules say the last person to go to the toilet. Astoria was right.

ASTORIA: Hah!

HANNAH: Okay, well, we’re not doing that.

HERMIONE: Tori, you’re the host, you start.

ASTORIA: All that for nothing.

GINNY: You won’t get a description of my bowel movements today, bitch.

ASTORIA: I’ll get it some day.

          ASTORIA picks up a black card

ASTORIA: Blank turns me on! This is a great start.

ROLF: Oh, I have so many good ones for this.

HERMIONE: And this is what turns you on?

ASTORIA: Yes.

HARRY: See, everything we put down is true. All of these things do turn you on.

ASTORIA: Okay, what is that supposed to mean?

ROLF: We’re calling you a slut, basically.

          GINNY puts in a card and picks up a new one

ASTORIA: What can I say, I’m constantly surrounded by hot people.

HANNAH: Harry is sitting right next to you, so I already know that’s not true.

HARRY: Wha — hey! I am hot! I am so hot!

          HERMIONE puts in a card

HERMIONE: Yes you are. You are very hot.

HARRY: Don’t patronise me.

          ROLF puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: Oh my gosh. These cards are wild!

HANNAH: All of mine are kind of rude.

          HARRY puts in a card

GINNY: I think that’s the point of the game.

ASTORIA: No! The point is to be funny.

HANNAH: This game man.

          HANNAH puts in a card and picks up a new one

HERMIONE: Oh, I didn’t know we were meant to get new cards.

          HERMIONE picks up a new card while ASTORIA shuffles the cards

HARRY: Oh shit, me neither.

          HARRY picks up a new card and makes a face

ASTORIA: Okay! A pregnant clown turns me on! Wow.

HANNAH: That’s horrifying. 

GINNY: If you told me you had a clown kink, I would believe you.

ASTORIA: What? Is this what you think of me?

ROLF: Yeah, Tori. You think Bill Cipher is hot.

ASTORIA: Whatever. Bees, question mark, turn me on.

GINNY: Now that I know is true.

          ROLF laughs

ROLF: It’s the black and yellow colour scheme. Gets her going.

HERMIONE: Oh so that’s why she wanted to make out with you at the start of this video.

ASTORIA: Oh — braiding three penises together turns me on.

HARRY: Oh!

HERMIONE: Fuck man.

HARRY: I’m in pain just thinking about that.

ROLF: You think that would be painful?

HARRY: You think it wouldn’t!?

ASTORIA: These are insane right out the gate.

HERMIONE: Yeah, no build up. We’re just going straight for it.

ASTORIA: Rawdogging this game.

          ASTORIA makes a face

ASTORIA: Sorry, that one should’ve stayed an inside thought.

HANNAH: Well it’s on camera now!

ASTORIA: Fuck, dude. Kevin’s Mum turns me on. So true. And — oh.

HARRY: What?

ASTORIA: Demelza! I need your permission to say the word!

DEMELZA, from off camera: Go ahead!

ASTORIA: Okay. Jews, gypsies and homosexuals turn me on!

HANNAH: Me describing the Hogwild cast.

          Everyone laughs

GINNY: Oh, so it’s definitely true then!

ASTORIA: Shut up! I am not attracted to all of you! Just most of you.

HARRY: Why did you need Demelza’s permission for a word?

ASTORIA: Oh, the g-word is a slur for Romani people.

HARRY: It is?

ROLF: I didn’t know that.

ASTORIA: Really? I thought you of all people would know every slur there is.

ROLF: Demelza! Prepare for that to be the only thing I call you from now on!

          DEMELZA laughs from off camera

HERMIONE: See, I know you’re trying to be funny, but you would do that.

ROLF: Yeah, and you guys would let me get away with it!

ASTORIA: Rolf said I have hysteria at the start of the video and has been slut shaming me for the rest of it, and we’re barely three minutes in! And my only response was that we should make out.

HARRY: We let you get away with too much shit, man.

GINNY: We got more mad at Harry asking for a rule check.

ROLF: What are you going to do about it? I’m an autistic pansexual vegan Jew! 

HANNAH: Someone needs to call you a slur every now and again, just to balance the scales a little bit.

ASTORIA: Gosh, this cannot be how the video starts. It can only get more insane from here.

HERMIONE: Play this game if you want to be cancelled by your own best friends.

ASTORIA: Gosh, I think I have to pick the Jews, Roma’s and homos one.

GINNY: That was mine.

          ASTORIA passes the black card to GINNY

ASTORIA: Keep that to tally the points.

          GINNY picks up a card

GINNY: Blank, kid-tested, mother-approved. Now be normal.

          HANNAH bursts out laughing

GINNY: Oh no.

          HANNAH shows ROLF and he starts laughing

ROLF: You have to do that!

ASTORIA: Gosh, I am so scared for whatever’s going on over there.

GINNY: Me too honestly.

          HANNAH puts in a card and picks up a new one

GINNY: That card scares me.

HANNAH: It should.

ROLF: If Hannah doesn’t win I will be upset.

HERMIONE: That means it’s something crude or horrendous.

          HARRY puts in a card and picks up a new one

ASTORIA: God, I don’t have any good ones for this.

          HERMIONE puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: No, I’m not wasting that card on a prompt Hannah’s definitely winning.

          ROLF puts in a card and picks up a new one

GINNY: Tori, hurry the fuck up.

ASTORIA: All my cards are about pooping.

HARRY: Considering you started this video wanting to talk about our poop, that should excite you.

ROLF: You don’t have to be funny. We don’t expect you to be.

ASTORIA: What?

HERMIONE: God, you’re awful.

          ASTORIA puts in a card hesitantly and picks up a new one while GINNY shuffles the cards.

ASTORIA: Do mine last.

GINNY: Farting so hard a little poop comes out, kid-tested, mother-approved.

ASTORIA: I said last!

ROLF: It’s fine. Women don’t poop, so we don’t expect you to know how to be funny about it.

ASTORIA: God, you’re so hot right now.

HANNAH: Tori, you’re single-handedly proving all of the internet nice guys right.

ASTORIA: As is my right!

GINNY: This groovey new thing called LSD, kid-tested, mother-approved!

          GINNY starts laughing

GINNY: I already know this one’s Harry’s.

HARRY: God, Astoria makes herself known so you gotta guess all of ours.

ASTORIA: Why do you hate women?

HARRY: I’m sorry, look at the other man you’re sitting next to right now.

ASTORIA: He’s fine.

HANNAH: Pretty privilege at its finest.

HARRY: I am the prettiest boy! 

GINNY: No, that’s Colin.

HARRY: I hate you guys.

HERMIONE: Why? Because we’re women?

HARRY: Ahhh!

          Everyone calms down

GINNY: Holy shit! This one is one hundred percent Hannah’s!

          HANNAH and ROLF laugh again

HERMIONE: What is it?

          GINNY begins to laugh

ASTORIA: Oh no, we’re losing her!

GINNY: No, it’s just — it’s so good. 

          GINNY takes a deep breath

GINNY: The Oedipus Complex, kid-tested, mother-approved.

ASTORIA: Oh my God!

          HANNAH bursts out laughing

HARRY: That’s too perfect.

HERMIONE: Fuck!

GINNY: Oh, that’s going to be tough to beat. 

HANNAH: My face is already so red and this is only round two.

ASTORIA: I know we said it can only get worse but I’m beginning to experience fear for what the end of this video will look like.

HARRY: Rolf will be giving a cryptocurrency tradwife monologue but I’ll be the one getting yelled at for some reason.

          Everyone laughs

ROLF: Why do you think I know shit about money? Huh? Huh!?

HARRY: Fuck me!

ROLF: Not after the absolutely revolting things you’ve said today.

HARRY, laughing: I’m gonna cry.

GINNY: There’s still two more I have to get through!

HERMIONE: Okay, go ahead, go ahead.

GINNY: Oh my God. This one is also – whoo!

          GINNY clears her throat

GINNY: Dad’s anger management problems, kid-tested, mother-approved.

ASTORIA: Holy moly guacamole!

ROLF: That’s too real.

HERMIONE: It was too good not to play.

GINNY: And lastly, Chungo, the talking gorilla, kid-tested, mother-approved. Oedipus.

          GINNY passes the black card to HANNAH

HANNAH: Thank you.

HARRY: This is round two.

HANNAH: I’m going to do a family one, because hopefully that’ll be more normal and we can calm down.

ASTORIA: You’ve never had dinner with my family if you think that.

HARRY: Or mine.

          HANNAH picks up a black card

HANNAH: This is going to be the best sleepover ever! Once Mum goes to sleep, it’s time for blank.

ROLF: Ooh.

          HERMIONE looks through her cards

HARRY: There are so many ways to make this not normal.

ASTORIA: None of mine work for this.

          GINNY puts in a card and picks up a new one

GINNY: Don’t you hate it when you get the perfect card after playing one.

HARRY: Yeah, it’s really annoying.

          ASTORIA puts in a card and picks up a new one

HERMIONE: This one’s tough.

          ROLF puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: Just go big or go home.

          HERMIONE puts in a card and picks up a new one

HARRY: Fuck it.

          HARRY puts in a card and picks up a new one

HANNAH: No, don’t fuck the children.

         HARRY puts his head on the table and sighs while GINNY laughs

HANNAH: Is that everyone?

ASTORIA: Yeah.

          HANNAH shuffles the cards

HANNAH: Okay. This is going to be the best sleepover ever! Once Mum goes to bed it’s time for boobies!

ROLF: Where?

GINNY: Rolf, you are literally surrounded by women.

HARRY: And me.

           GINNY shrugs

HANNAH: This is going to be the best sleepover ever! Once Mum goes to bed it’s time for gay sex!

ASTORIA: Is that something that actually happened at sleepovers? Like, you hear people talk about it, but I only ever had sleepovers with Rolf, so I don’t know.

ROLF: Yeah, all we did was have straight sex.

          ASTORIA laughs

HERMIONE: We never did any of that either.

GINNY: I’ll never tell.

HANNAH: When I had friends over we all had to sleep in the open concept living room, so definitely not.

ASTORIA: Interesting that it became such a stereotype then.

HANNAH: Yeah. Oh my God, Rolf! What is wrong with you!?

           ROLF laughs

ROLF: You don’t know that it’s mine.

HANNAH: This is going to be the best sleepover ever, once mum goes to bed it’s time for Auschwitz!? That’s not you!?

ROLF: Okay, maybe it is me. But hey, I can say that!

HERMIONE: Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

           HARRY shakes his head

GINNY: You are troubled.

ROLF: You just don’t appreciate my comedic genius.

HANNAH: This is going to be the best sleepover ever! Once mum goes to bed it’s time for Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

HERMIONE: What does that even mean?

GINNY: It means Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is gonna be there.

HANNAH: This is going to be the best sleepover ever! Once Mum goes to bed it’s time for friction. Gosh, this is hard.

HARRY: Well yeah, with all that friction, I’m sure it is.

ROLF: Well I think there’s a pretty clear winner.

HANNAH: No, but there is a clear loser. Not Auschwitz and not Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

HERMIONE: Only in this game would those two things ever go together.

ROLF: This is why women can’t be comedians.

HERMIONE: I’m numb to it at this point.

GINNY: Rolf, you need to stop.

ASTORIA: That was so hot.

GINNY: Tori! No!

HARRY: This man is a vegan, by the way.

          ROLF laughs

ROLF: Animals deserve rights, but women? Nuh uh. 

HANNAH: I’m going boobies.

ASTORIA: Hell yeah! I love boobies.

           ASTORIA holds out her hand and HANNAH gives her the black card

ASTORIA: Okay, I honestly didn’t expect to win.

HANNAH: After everything Rolf and Harry have been saying, women needed a win.

HARRY: Why are you grouping me in with him!? 

HERMIONE: You know why.

          ASTORIA picks up a black card

ASTORIA: Shhhh! My turn! I’m sorry sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of blank.

HARRY: I’ve made this excuse many times.

HERMIONE: The fact that you somehow got high scores in most of our classes astounds me.

HARRY: I don’t know how I did it either.

           GINNY puts in a card and picks up a new one

HANNAH: I was always too anxious about failing to not do the homework. Like I’d get so much of it done the day it was assigned out of pure anxiety and caffeination. 

ASTORIA: As a chronically ill person I probably didn’t put enough effort into my work as I should have. But that’s a bit sad. Like, oh, I was in and out of hospital too much as a teen, plus having zero will to live from the knowledge I couldn’t do much with my life anyway.

          HARRY puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: Our school wasn’t great with disabilities.

GINNY: No, it was awful.

HERMIONE: Zero support and very inaccessible.

HANNAH: I feel like our school was good in some ways and bad in others. Like it had great programs and courses for setting up your future, but the hiring practices were so questionable.

HERMIONE: I’m putting this card in because it’s kind of true.

          HERMIONE puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: I’m stuck between two.

          HANNAH puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: Han, take the wheel!

          ROLF shows HANNAH his cards and she points to one that he then puts in before picking up a new one

ASTORIA: Okay, that’s everyone.

          ASTORIA shuffles the cards

GINNY: I went for something that’s kinda true.

ASTORIA: Alright! I’m sorry sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of The Devil Himself. Wow.

         ROLF snorts

HARRY: So relatable. Happens to the best of us.

HANNAH: We’ve all experienced the pain of having the Devil from the Bible show up to burn your homework.

ASTORIA: I’m sorry sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of covering myself in Parmesan cheese and chilli flakes because I am pizza.

HANNAH: Huh?

HERMIONE: None of us are Italian, so that makes no sense.

HARRY: That’s the issue you have with that card?

ASTORIA: I’m sorry sir, but I couldn’t complete my homework because of — oh — I already know this was Rolf — committing suicide!

ROLF: I mean you don’t know that was me.

GINNY: I suppose that would prevent you from handing in an assignment.

HARRY: The ultimate excuse. I’m dead.

          HANNAH laughs a little

ASTORIA: I’m sorry sir, but I couldn’t complete the homework because of a time travel paradox.

GINNY: That would also get in your way.

HERMIONE: Super relatable. We’ve all ended up in time loops at least once.

ROLF: I enter a time loop every Wednesday.

ASTORIA: I’m sorry sir, but I couldn’t complete the homework because of dark and mysterious forces beyond our control.

HANNAH: Every anime protagonist ever.

GINNY: I feel like this one is the same as the Devil card.

ASTORIA: Yeah, but I like the mystique of this one more. Gosh, this is tough.

ROLF: I mean if it were me I’d choose suicide.

ASTORIA: Then go do that.

          HERMIONE’s jaw drops

ROLF: Ah!

          HANNAH and GINNY laugh

HARRY: Tori finally claps back!

ROLF: Astoria, that was so hot.

ASTORIA: Thank you. I’m going with dark and mysterious forces.

ROLF: Fuck!

HARRY: Hell yeah!

ROLF: This is what I get for letting a half Vietnamese woman drive.

HANNAH: You need to stop!

HERMIONE: Tori finally stands up for herself and he starts taking it out on an innocent woman.

          ASTORIA gives HARRY the black card

GINNY: This game brings out the worst in you, mate.

           HARRY picks up a black card

ROLF: I’m just so passionate about death.

ASTORIA: Again. Says the vegan.

HARRY: Okay, I’ve got a prompt.

ASTORIA: Harry! Stop silencing women, you sexist pig!

ROLF: Yeah, Harry. Do better.

HARRY: During sex, I like to think about blank.

GINNY: And there’s no card that says Draco Malfoy, is there? Because we all know that’s what Harry’s thinking about.

          HARRY laughs

ROLF: Same dude.

ASTORIA: We all secretly think about that man when having sex.

HANNAH: It’s not a secret for you three.

HARRY shakes his head: No, everyone having the hots for Draco has been memed on so much.

HANNAH: It’s Draco, Luna and Ron that everyone’s crushing on.

HARRY: Yeah, the hotties trio.

GINNY: Disagree with one of those people.

          HERMIONE laughs a little while HANNAH puts in a card and picks up a new one

          GINNY laughs hard

ASTORIA: Should we be concerned?

GINNY: I’m sorry, the idea of putting this card in is so funny to me.

          ROLF puts in a card and picks up a new one

HARRY: Put it in then.

ROLF: That’s what you’re thinking about when you have sex.

HARRY: Yeah.

GINNY: Mmm, pegging!

          HARRY laughs while Ginny puts in a card and picks up a new one

HERMIONE: I’m just trying to figure which of these you would find funniest.

HANNAH: I just guessed.

          ASTORIA puts in a card and picks up a new one

HARRY: I don’t know, you’re going to have to figure it out.

          HERMIONE puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: We’ve all put in, you can shuffle now.

HARRY: Tori?

ASTORIA: I just did.

HARRY: Oh, sorry.

GINNY: Typical Harry. Ignoring what women do.

          HARRY shakes his head and sighs while shuffling the cards

HANNAH: You are never escaping the sexism allegations.

HARRY: I’m really not. During sex, I like to think about coat hanger abortions. Good God.

ASTORIA: Rolf!

ROLF: Okay! That one genuinely isn’t mine!

HARRY: Sure it isn’t. During sex, I like to think about BATMAN!

          HANNAH laughs a little

HERMIONE: And you’re back to deafening us.

GINNY: Gosh Harry, get it together.

HARRY: The card is in all caps!

ROLF: The ringing in my ears has returned.

HARRY: Shut up. During sex, I like to think about pretending to care. Wait … During sex, I like to think about pretending to care. I don’t think I get it.

ASTORIA: No, you see, because men don’t care if women are enjoying themselves.

HARRY: Oh! That’s good then.

ASTORIA: Hypothetically, I mean. Just to help whoever put that card in.

ROLF: Don’t be crazy Astoria, women can’t feel pleasure.

          ASTORIA laughs

HERMIONE: I mean you’re not wrong. But it’s because men don’t know what they’re doing.

GINNY: Real.

ROLF: I think you guys just don’t know enough about sex. But I, Rolf Scamander, arbiter of all things sexy, know so much about it.

ASTORIA: Yeah, because you somehow have so much of it.

ROLF: Who’s the one that has been talking about snogging me this whole video?

          ASTORIA looks down

          HARRY laughs loudly

HARRY: Oh my God, I already know this one’s the winner! During sex, I like to think about not wearing pants!

HANNAH: What?

          GINNY and HERMIONE laugh

HARRY: Can you just imagine some couple having sex, and then one of them is like “man I wish I wasn’t wearing pants right now”!

          ASTORIA joins in laughing

ASTORIA: Oh my God, I just got that.

HANNAH: Boo, you can take the pants off! It’s sex!

HERMIONE: The idea of a couple not realising you can be naked for sex!

ROLF, holding in a laugh: They took off their trousers and shirt but the pants have to stay on!

          GINNY’s laugh turns to a cackle

HARRY: Could you imagine approaching life like that? Like, man these rings are getting in the way while I cook. Wish I could just take them off!

HANNAH: These shoes keep tracking mud into my house, is there a way to stop this?

ROLF: The plastic bag makes eating this wrap so difficult. No way to solve that issue though!

          Everyone calms down

HANNAH: God, I don’t know why that’s so funny.

ASTORIA: I’m crying.

HARRY, taking a deep breath: That was so good. The final one: during sex, I like thinking about agriculture.

ASTORIA: Oh, so that one’s Rolf’s.

HARRY: Pants wins.

GINNY: That’s me.

HARRY: Here you go.

          HARRY hands the black card to GINNY

HANNAH: Who was the abortion card if it wasn’t Rolf?

HERMIONE: That was mine.

ROLF: Really?

HARRY: Not surprised. Hermione can get wild if she wants to.

HERMIONE: Hogwild. Um, it was meant to be a joke about how if you’re having sex you might be concerned about that type of thing.

          GINNY picks up a black card

HARRY: Oh, I get it, but the pants was just really funny.

HERMIONE: Yeah, pants deserved it for sure.

ROLF: I still can’t get over that they theoretically know to take off their trousers, but under no circumstances do the pants come off.

GINNY: Oh, I don’t know if I should’ve been the one to pick up this card.

HERMIONE: What is it?

GINNY: White people like blank.

ROLF: Oh my gosh, I need to find the perfect card.

          HANNAH puts a card in and picks up a new one

GINNY: Already?

HANNAH: Yeah, I had this one waiting for a good use, and making fun of white people seems fair.

ASTORIA: I have a family edition one that works a little too well.

HARRY: You have so many family edition cards, how did I only just notice that?

ASTORIA: I don’t know, but it’s not doing me any favours because most of them are about poop.

          HERMIONE puts a card in and picks up a new one

GINNY: See, there’s going to be a prompt where poop will be the perfect answer.

          ASTORIA puts in a card and picks one up

ASTORIA: I’m just going with my gut, and I think this one is funny.

ROLF: Don’t be ridiculous, women can’t be funny.

          ASTORIA slowly shakes her head

ROLF: That’s why all of the successful comedians are men.

HARRY: I’m sorry, Rolf, how many points do you have again?

ROLF: What does that have to do with anything?

HARRY: Well, if you’re so funny, surely you’ve gotten at least one point.

ROLF: You guys just don’t understand my superior sense of humour.

HANNAH: Sure, that’s what’s happening.

          HARRY puts a card in and picks up a new one

GINNY: Just waiting on you funny man.

ROLF: Yeah, I know.

          ROLF puts in a card and picks up a new one

HERMIONE: I’d love to see Rolf attempt to make this prompt offensive to minorities.

ROLF: I’m sure if I really tried, I could.

ASTORIA: Oh we don’t doubt your skills.

HARRY: Skills?

ROLF: I should put that on my resume. Skilled at turning everything into a right-wing rant.

          GINNY shuffles the cards

GINNY: White people like drag queens. 

ASTORIA: I mean, some of us do. Not particularly funny though.

HERMIONE: Okay, but maybe some of us didn’t have anything good. Hypothetically.

GINNY: White people like – God – leading a country to war on false pretenses. Yeah, no shit.

HERMIONE: That one’s good.

HARRY: This is more like what I was expecting.

GINNY: White people like bombs.

ROLF: That’s just a simplified version of the last one.

GINNY: God, these are good. White people like the government.

HANNAH: Hmm. A lot of them do.

GINNY: White people like – fuck me – white people like violating the Geneva Convention.

          ROLF whistles

HERMIONE: Yeah, I mean, did you hear what they did to Nagasaki?

GINNY: I did, actually.

HANNAH, joking: I don’t. Never heard of it.

GINNY: I think government is going to have to win for me, though.

ASTORIA: That one is mine again. 

          GINNY hands the black card to ASTORIA

HANNAH: You’re weirdly good at this game.

ROLF: So, Tori was right, you guys like the government?

          GINNY laughs a little

HARRY: Only time the government will win any of our favours.

          ASTORIA picks up a black card

ASTORIA: Gosh, this scares me. What’s a girl’s best friend?

HERMIONE: Hmm, I don’t know if I’ve got anything good.

ROLF: Hah!

          ROLF puts a card in enthusiastically

ASTORIA: I don’t know how I feel about that.

          ROLF picks up a new card

HARRY: Rolf being excited about his card for this prompt is terrifying.

GINNY: Well, according to Marilyn Monroe, the answer is diamonds.

HARRY: Was that Marilyn Monroe?

HANNAH: God Harry, do you have to second guess everything women say?

HERMIONE: Of course Harry doesn’t know Marilyn Monroe was the one to say that.

HARRY: This bit has lasted way longer than I expected it to.

HERMIONE: Why? Because women give up quickly?

          HARRY puts his head on the table while GINNY puts a card in and picks up a new one

HANNAH: I’m having a hard time trying to figure out which of these cards you would find funny.

ASTORIA: Yeah, I’m not really sure how I’d describe my sense of humour.

ROLF: You find a lot of things funny. I don’t know if you have a specific niche.

          HERMIONE puts in a card and picks up a new one

ASTORIA: That’s kind of true. I have styles of humour I know I definitely don’t like. Like jackass humour.

HARRY: Does anyone like jackass humour?

ASTORIA: Some people do.

HANNAH: What’s jackass humour?

ASTORIA: Imagine the way Rolf is acting right now, but dumber about it, and less ironic. Or like, prankster tomfoolery with a weird edge to it.

GINNY: Think if my brother’s were more annoying and more dumb than they already are.

HANNAH: Oh, that’s … I guess I see why some might enjoy it, but probably not my cup of tea.

ROLF: It’s not even mine. 

           HARRY puts in a card and picks up a new one

           There is a short silence

ASTORIA: So, I got a cat. His name is Muffintop.

HANNAH: Muffintop? Not just Muffin?

ASTORIA: Yeah.

          HERMIONE puts in a card and picks up a new one

HERMIONE: My cat is immortal, I swear.

HARRY: Honestly, yeah. The amount of shit your cat has been through just to seem completely unaffected by it is crazy.

ASTORIA: Cats are like that though. I mean, Muffintop is missing an eye and struggles to walk, but he is so energetic.

GINNY: How old is he?

          HANNAH puts in a card and picks up a new one

ASTORIA: Oh, pretty young. Not like a kitten, but not quite fully grown yet. I don’t know what the term would be though.

          ASTORIA shuffles the cards

ROLF: I’ve met Muffintop, he’s quite young.

ASTORIA: Okay. What’s a girl's best friend? Penis envy. God.

GINNY: Well, now we’ve had both of Freud's theories.

ASTORIA: Yeah. Did the girl one have a name too?

HERMIONE: Electra Complex.

ASTORIA: Interesting. Well, a girl's best friend is also unleashing a Hell demon that will destroy our world. Good God, that is awesome.

HANNAH: And you know what? It’s true.

GINNY: We love releasing demons.

ROLF: Childbirth be like.

          ASTORIA and HANNAH laugh

GINNY: No. No. Childbirth is not that.

DEMELZA, from off camera: I mean, some would argue it feels kinda like that.

HARRY: That coming from Demelza is crazy.

ASTORIA: I was going to hop on what Rolf said with something else, but it’s one of those thoughts that should probably not be said on camera.

HERMIONE: Can’t believe we’re about to brush past Harry calling Demelza crazy.

HARRY: Stop it!

ASTORIA: Okay, okay. What’s a girl's best friend? It’s violence. 

GINNY: Agreed.

HERMIONE: Violence is always an option worth considering.

HANNAH: Oh no, I put in such a similar card.

GINNY: We had the same idea.

ASTORIA: Well, a girl's best friend is also silence. Uh, that’s targeted.

GINNY: Not me. I’m loud.

HANNAH: I enjoy silence.

HARRY: Peace and quiet is always nice.

HANNAH: Yeah, especially from mansplainers like you.

HARRY: Wha — how?

HANNAH: You just mansplained the definition of silence to us.

GINNY: I mean not really, but for the laughs.

ROLF: What if it’s silence like … women being silenced?

ASTORIA: No, I don’t like that. 

HARRY: So we know this card is Rolf’s.

HERMIONE: Yeah.

ASTORIA: Another best friend is solving problems with violence. I like that.

HERMIONE: I mean it’s affective.

HARRY: Flashback to when we were thirteen and you slapped Draco in the face for being an asshole.

ROLF: Oh my, when was this?

GINNY: That’s awesome.

HERMIONE: Yeah. He was being unnecessarily cruel about something so I backhanded him. 

ASTORIA: And before either of them get any hate in the comments, they’ve since talked things out they’re friends now. No need to get up in arms about something from a decade ago.

ROLF: So which one wins?

ASTORIA: I really like the demon one.

HERMIONE: That was mine.

ASTORIA: Thought it might’ve been.

          ASTORIA gives the black card to HERMIONE

HANNAH: We really started so crazy and then calmed down considerably.

ROLF: Maybe you guys have.

GINNY: Rolf’s jokes are just getting less funny.

          HERMIONE picks up a black card

HERMIONE: This one’s from the family deck. I’m sorry, Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just blank.

HARRY: Oh, this one’s tough.

ASTORIA: I don’t feel like I have any good cards.

HERMIONE: I feel like the cards I have are good, they just haven’t been working with any of the prompts.

          HANNAH puts a card in and picks up a new one

GINNY: I almost just want to shuffle my hand and pick randomly.

HARRY: You should do that, just to see what happens.

           ASTORIA puts in a card and picks up a new one

GINNY: Yeah, I think I will.

           GINNY shuffles her hand

ROLF: The fate method could result in something really bad.

GINNY: It’ll be fine.

          ROLF puts a card in a picks up a new one

ROLF: If you say so.

HARRY: I might try the fate method too, because I’m just not sure what to put.

          GINNY picks a card, checks it and puts it in before picking up a new one

ASTORIA: Two people leaving it up to fate?

HARRY: No, actually, I think you’ll appreciate this.

          HARRY puts a card in and picks up a new one

HERMIONE: Is that everyone?

HANNAH: Yes, I believe so.

          HERMIONE shuffles the cards

GINNY: I can’t tell if we’ve calmed down or if we just got used to how crazy these cards are.

ASTORIA: Honestly, same.

HERMIONE: I’m sorry Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just a windmill full of corpses. Well that’s shocking.

HARRY: So, you’ve never seen a windmill full of corpses before?

HERMIONE: No, I have not had the pleasure.

HARRY: Oh it’s great, highly recommend it.

HERMIONE: Okay.

          HARRY laughs a little

HERMIONE: I’m sorry Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just my inner demons.

ASTORIA: Well that explains a lot about our education.

          HANNAH and HARRY laugh

ROLF: The lesson plans were haunting for the teachers. 

HERMIONE: Our Mathematics teachers' sleep paralysis demon was the Pythagorean Theorem.

GINNY: Girl, it was mine!

HERMIONE: I’m sorry Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just an argument with Richard Darkins! Oh that’s good.

HANNAH: Wait, isn’t he a biologist? Wouldn’t that be fine?

ROLF: Uhh, it could be. But I don’t know if it’s the smartest project to submit.

HERMIONE: Fun fact, Richard Dawkins is the man that coined the word meme.

HARRY: What?

GINNY: That’s not real.

HERMIONE: It is. 1970’s, he coined the term. Look it up. Read a book.

ASTORIA: Harry, stop telling women they’re wrong!

HARRY: I think I got Dawkins mixed up with Darwin.

HANNAH: Oh. I mean, Richard Dawkins did also study evolution and genetics. He’s a little … uh.

ROLF: He compared religion to psychosis.

HARRY: What!?

ROLF: Yeah, he made great strides in his field, but he’s kinda questionable in other ways.

HERMIONE: Oh, see I didn’t know that.

HARRY: Maybe you should read a book.

          ROLF and GINNY laugh, HARRY puts his face in his hands and HERMIONE’s jaw drops

HANNAH: Harry!

HERMIONE: How dare you, you disgusting man!

HARRY: I deserve it this time. I deserve this.

ASTORIA: You’ve deserved it the whole time.

HERMIONE: And this card works with the situation. I’m sorry Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just women’s suffrage. You should learn about this, Harry!

          HARRY laughs a little

GINNY: Again, we are telling Harry off, but Rolf is fine somehow.

ASTORIA: Rolf, what do you have to say about this?

ROLF: Yeah, women deserve to suffer.

HANNAH: Stop it!

ASTORIA: Mm, just my type.

GINNY: That’s actually incredibly sad. Tori, you need more self-respect.

ASTORIA: Oh! Let’s not get into this right now! Move on, please!

HERMIONE: Okay. Last one. I’m sorry Jordan, but that’s not an acceptable Science Fair project. That’s just an icepick lobotomy.

ROLF: Oh, Astoria, you need one of those.

ASTORIA: Hah!

          HANNAH makes a shocked face

HARRY: How am I the one getting yelled at more?

HERMIONE, making a growly voice: “Go read a book”! 

ASTORIA: Rolf, oh my God, don’t threaten me with a good time.

GINNY: Astoria! Stop!

ASTORIA: Seriously, this flirting is crazy.

ROLF: Almost as crazy as you.

          ASTORIA laughs

HERMIONE: God, get a room, you two.

HANNAH: So, we’re just all agreeing that this is acceptable?

GINNY: No, Tori, you deserve better. And Rolf, you deserve Hell.

ROLF: Jewish Hell or Christian Hell?

GINNY: Uh, what’s the difference?

ROLF: Jewish Hell isn’t a place, it’s essentially just a prolonged and intense feeling of guilt and shame post-mortem.

HERMIONE: Oh yeah, you could definitely do with some shame.

ROLF: No, I think you women are the problem.

ASTORIA, monotonously: It’s me, hi, I’m the problem it’s me.

GINNY: Stop it! No you’re not! You’re a wonderful woman.

HERMIONE: I think I have to go with Richard Dawkins.

HANNAH: That was mine!

HERMIONE: Good. Because us women deserve a win.

GINNY: There’s too much rampant masculinity in this room.

HARRY: Oh yeah, because Rolf and I are the poster guys for masculinity.

ROLF: No, I’m an alpha man, you’re a beta.

          HARRY laughs

HANNAH: Oh, I hate you.

          HERMIONE gives the black card to HANNAH

ASTORIA: For a terrifying moment I forgot the manosphere and I flashbacked to the trenches of Destiel.

ROLF: Yeah, that’s totally what I meant.

ASTORIA: Viewers at home, if you don’t know what I’m referencing, please spare your sanity and don’t look it up.

          HANNAH picks up a black card

HARRY: I don’t know what you’re referencing. I only know the manosphere pyramid.

GINNY: Oh of course. Of course Harry only knows the manosphere.

HARRY: Aahh!

HANNAH: Okay guys, don’t be freaks about this. How did I lose my virginity?

ASTORIA: Uh, to me, obviously.

          HANNAH laughs

HARRY: That actually wouldn’t surprise me.

ASTORIA: What do you mean? What are you saying?

HARRY: Nothing. I’m just saying it wouldn’t shock me.

ASTORIA: You calling me a slut? You think I’m a slut?

HARRY: I did not say that.

HERMIONE: God, Harry, you are a disgrace of a man.

HARRY: Rolf said the word slut and he did not get yelled at this much!

          ROLF puts in a card and picks up a new one

ROLF: Yeah, and?

ASTORIA: No, you’re so right.

          ASTORIA makes a kissy face

HARRY: Ah! 

ASTORIA scoffs: Rude! You should feel lucky to kiss someone like me!

ROLF: Guess a lot of men are lucky then.

          ASTORIA’s jaw drops and ROLF bursts out laughing

HANNAH: Astoria has been taking shot, after shot, after shot from you.

GINNY: Are these just sitting in your head? How are you so quick with it?

HERMIONE: Tori, I am so sorry. You are unfortunately sat between the worst man in the world and also Rolf.

HARRY: Wha – hey!

HANNAH: Astoria is bleeding out from these bullet holes and she does not care.

ASTORIA: Guys, do you think he likes me? 

GINNY: No! I do not!

HERMIONE: Rolf evidently seems to really hate you, actually.

ASTORIA: No but like, it’s like how boys pull on your pigtails as kids because they like you.

HARRY: I literally never did that.

HERMIONE: Tori, that is not true!

HANNAH: He’s not pulling on your pigtails, he is shooting you with a gun!

ASTORIA: Wouldn’t be the first time a guy’s done that to me.

HARRY: See, I can’t tell if you’re telling the truth or not. Because you have an ex in jail.

          ASTORIA laughs

GINNY: The Tori love life lore is insane. Every time I learn a new bit of information about an ex I have to take five minutes to adjust to my new understanding of the world.

          HERMIONE puts a card in and picks up a new one

ROLF: Yeah, imagine how I felt having to watch all of those train wrecks happen.

ASTORIA: Hey, maybe imagine how I felt being tied to those tracks?

          ROLF and HERMIONE laugh

ASTORIA: I think I’m the one with the most mental damage taken because of these exes.

ROLF: No, as the best friend who was the better option – somehow – I think I took the most mental damage.

          ASTORIA laughs

HANNAH: God, Rolf being the better option is crazy.

           HARRY puts a card in a picks up a new one

ROLF: For a moment of being genuine, I also had pretty bad taste in women, so Astoria was also in pain witnessing that.

ASTORIA: Oh yeah. I’ll be the one to say it, you have so many crazy ex girlfriends. 

ROLF: One of them found where I lived through Google maps, comparing the inside on the houses to the backgrounds of my images.

GINNY: Fuck me! That’s feral behaviour.

          ASTORIA puts in a card and picks up a new one

ASTORIA: We have the worst taste in people.

ROLF: We unfortunately have the same type, and it’s criminals.

HANNAH: We started hanging out more often and your complete lack of self-respect astounded me. 

ASTORIA: Yeah, Hannah’s probably the reason we didn’t end up dead in ditches.

          GINNY puts a card in a picks up a new one

HARRY: That’s Hermione for Ron and I, but for different reasons.

HERMIONE: Yeah. Every trio has to have one.

GINNY: I think Neville was mine and Luna’s.

          HANNAH shuffles the cards

HARRY: Who would that be for Demelza, Colin and Flora?

ASTORIA: Oh, they don’t have one. That’s why they’re all so fucked up.

ROLF: They don’t have a Hannah to hold them on leashes.

HANNAH: Do not give the viewership that mental image.

ASTORIA: Woof woof, bitch.

          Everyone laughs

ROLF: Everyone, draw fanart of Hannah walking us like dogs.

HANNAH: Do not!

ASTORIA: Pretty please with whipped cream and a cherry on top?

GINNY: Give us the cards!

HANNAH: Okay!

          ROLF and ASTORIA laugh

HANNAH: How did I lose my virginity? My genitals.

          GINNY laughs a little

HANNAH: Well, I mean, they were definitely involved. 

HERMIONE: Hah!

ROLF: That is how sex works.

HANNAH: Oh yeah, mansplain sex to me. 

          ROLF laughs a little

HANNAH: How did I lose my virginity? Renouncing Christ. Damn.

ASTORIA: That’s how I lost mine!

HERMIONE: That’s funny.

HANNAH: How did I lose my virginity? Literally fucking the police.

          HARRY whistles

ASTORIA: God, I could never.

ROLF: No, we just talked about this, we fuck the criminals.

HANNAH: You really shouldn’t.

GINNY: You deserve peace and love.

ASTORIA: Woah, that’s really sweet.

HARRY: Yeah, and it doesn’t sound like something Ginny would say.

          GINNY laughs

HARRY: You smoke something before this?

GINNY, laughing: No?

HERMIONE: Women can be fun and cool without being high, Harry! God, you suck.

          HARRY and GINNY laugh

HANNAH: Oh, this is what I wanted from you guys for this prompt.

ASTORIA: What is it?

HANNAH: How did I lose my virginity? Falling down the stairs.

ROLF: What?

          GINNY laughs

HERMIONE: I’d love to know how that could happen.

HARRY: Cheating husbands be like.

           ASTORIA laughs and GINNY laughs harder

HANNAH: What?

HARRY: No, I slipped and fell into her.

          HANNAH and ROLF laugh

HARRY, making a voice: It’s not my fault, babe. Babe. Babe, no listen. Babe. I fell and landed in her vagina.

HERMIONE, making a voice: I had an accident at work. I fell and landed in my secretary. 

HANNAH: This is gold. I love this.

ASTORIA: Falling down the stairs and landed inside a lady?

HANNAH: Yeah, it was such a wild time. And I was the one who fell down the stairs, so it was even crazier.

ROLF: Was it safe sex, at least?

HANNAH: Oh yeah, I was prepared.

          GINNY laughs a little

HANNAH: How did I lose my virginity? Using a condom.

HARRY: Woo! Safe practices!

ROLF: All sex should be for the purpose of procreation you sinful harlot!

           ASTORIA and HERMIONE laugh

HANNAH: You just asked if I was safe about falling down the stairs!

ROLF, laughing: I meant a helmet.

HANNAH: Don’t worry, I was wearing one of those too.

          ROLF laughs harder

HERMIONE: Now that’s safe sex.

GINNY: Bella Swan could have used one of those.

ROLF: No! Shut up. We are not bringing Twilight up again.

HANNAH: It has to go to falling down the stairs.

HARRY: That was mine.

          HANNAH gives the black card to HARRY

GINNY: If Harry wins today, I’ll be upset.

HERMIONE: You’re right, we can’t let the worst man on the planet win.

HARRY: I’ve only got two. 

ASTORIA: Are we stopping here?

DEMELZA, from off camera: Uh, I think you have time for one more.

HARRY: Okay.

          HARRY picks up a black card

HARRY: Mm. The school excursion was completely ruined by blank.

GINNY: Oh, we know a thing or two about that.

HARRY: Yeah, we do.

HERMIONE: Some of us more than others.

          ASTORIA puts in a card

ASTORIA: Mine sucks. I’m not winning.

ROLF: Well yeah–

GINNY: No! We’re not doing this.

HANNAH: I have two really good ones.

          HERMIONE puts in a card

GINNY: Pick up a new one.

HERMIONE: This is the last round.

GINNY: Oh, you’re right.

ROLF: These women just never know what’s happening.

GINNY: Eugh!

HANNAH: I would love, one day, for someone to take all the problematic shit you say out of context and into a compilation.

          ROLF puts in a card

ASTORIA: It’ll still be very difficult to take seriously, because look at him.

ROLF: What does that mean?

ASTORIA: He looks like he lives in a hobbit hole with his own crops.

ROLF: I don’t live in a hobbit hole, but Neville and I do grow our own fruits and vegetables.

GINNY: Sometimes I forget you and Nev live together.

ROLF: How?

          HANNAH puts in a card

GINNY: I don’t know. You and Luna live here, and then Neville’s also there.

ROLF: We’re just trying to survive in this economy man.

          GINNY puts in a card

ASTORIA: Dude, sometimes I hate living by myself. 

HANNAH: You’re the most physically disabled out of all of us, and somehow you’re the one that doesn’t live with anybody.

          HARRY shuffles the cards

ASTORIA: I know. But I have a cat now, so that’s pretty good. Muffintop always senses when something’s wrong.

HANNAH: Pets are weirdly good for that.

HARRY: Okay. The school excursion was completely ruined by panic and confusion.

GINNY: That’ll do it.

HARRY: The school excursion was completely ruined by a gambling problem.

          ASTORIA makes a confused face

HERMIONE: I don’t get that one.

HARRY: Neither. But, the school excursion was actually ruined by sponsored content.

GINNY: Woah.

ROLF: A YouTube channel saying that.

ASTORIA: Well, I don’t think we do sponsorships.

HARRY: Um, it’s not that we don’t do them, it’s that we only ever get contacted by companies most of us would never use, so it feels a little disingenuous to promote them. Like food services and mobile games and such that none of us are particularly interested in. I think we did one, years back, like before you or Rolf were on the channel, when it was just Ron, Hermione, Ginny, Colin, Demelza and I, we did a couple sponsorships with a camera company. But that’s about all we’ve ever done because Colin is obviously obsessed with cameras and he said they were a really good company. But nothing else felt fitting.

HANNAH: I think we did one after I joined.

HARRY: Did we?

HANNAH: Yeah, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it was.

HARRY: Hm. Well, the school excursion was ruined by chunks of dead hitchhikers. Good God, Rolf.

ROLF: Okay. It upsets me that you guys have almost always managed to figure out which one is mine.

HANNAH: It’s because you have the most unique sense of humour out of all of us.

HERMIONE: One that hasn’t gotten you a single point.

ROLF: You guys just don’t understand my superior intellect. Because you’re not alpha males like I am.

GINNY: Don’t you even start with that.

HARRY: Oh my God, I love the implication of this one. The school excursion was ruined by spaghetti? Again?

          ASTORIA snorts

HANNAH: What, like this has happened multiple times?

HARRY: Apparently.

HERMIONE: Oh my God, that’s so relatable.

ROLF: Those Goddamn Italians, they ruin everything.

ASTORIA: Dear Italian viewers, we apologise.

ROLF: No we don’t, you’re getting what you deserve.

HANNAH: Stop it!

HARRY: I just think the idea that spaghetti has somehow ruined school excursions multiple times is funny. 

HERMIONE: Well yes, that’s happened to us multiple times. This is the most relatable card of the game.

HANNAH: I know I feel my day get immensely worse whenever I’m forced to be in the same room as spaghetti.

ASTORIA: This is my hot take, but I think spaghetti is the worst type of pasta.

          HANNAH gasps

ASTORIA: I’m a penne fan. All pasta dishes are better when it’s penne. Or rigatoni. Rigatoni’s also king.

ROLF, attempting an Italian accent: My liege Rigatoni, I bow down to thee.

          Everyone laughs

HARRY: I do have to say, the pasta one is the funniest.

GINNY: Oh yeah, baby! I win!

HARRY: You are really good at this.

GINNY: Is that your way of telling me I’m funny without admitting women can be funny?

           HERMIONE laughs while HARRY looks away with a pout

HARRY: Stop it! This bit needs to die.

ASTORIA: For a minute I thought you said “this bitch needs to die”!

HARRY: Ah!!

          Everyone laughs

HARRY: No! No, I did not say that! No!

RON, from off camera: You watch it, dickhead!

HARRY: I didn’t say that!

GINNY: You are not allowed to call me a bitch.

HARRY: I didn’t!

ROLF: Harry, that was fucked up.

HARRY: Rolf, do not!

          Cut

ASTORIA: Okay so, Rolf got zero points.

ROLF: I’m fine!

ASTORIA: His fragile male ego definitely isn’t bruised.

ROLF: You guys are just snowflakes.

ASTORIA: Yes, we’re the snowflakes. Um, Hermione only got one, Harry, Hannah and I all got two, and Ginny got three!

GINNY: Woo! I win!

ASTORIA: Congratulations. We hope you enjoyed this video, because we had a blast. Let us know any other games you’d like to see us play, or who else you’d like to see play this game. Uh, now we’re going to go beat the living shit out of Harry for being such a sexist pig.

HARRY: Ahh!

—

COMMENTS

sarahmichellesinclair892: seeing Hermione granger of all people become mildly problematic this video makes me feel 1000x better about some of the stuff I’ve done while playing this game

leiakristoff833: zinc trio are my favourite and this video is a prime example of why 🕊️🫀🐾

chloestanford333: They couldn’t have Ron, Colin and Demelza in this video because they knew if those three AND Rolf played this game together they’d have to wipe their existence from the internet.

KittyThePupgirl: Hermione and Harry have peak sibling energy in this video

gregoryphyllis0284: Astoria is such a little sister I love it

teenagemutantninjateen518: There r 2 types of animal activists rolf or hermione 

hogwildernessfan: Rolf declaring he had this game in the bag at the start only to get zero points is such a mood especially because he was literally soooo funny this video

SunMoonSupremacy: rolf could say the n word on camera and id probably shrug it off too. We are all guilty of letting that man get away with too much 🤦🏿‍♀️

nicolasregent123: using this video as proof of a gas leak 🫶

cryptidpunkvibes: Draco, Luna and Ron as the hotties trio is so real, they’re literally so gorgeous 

starwarsenthusiast: Istg every time Rolf and Astoria are in a video together Astoria talks about making out with him

arthurchavelier1038: Astoria, a manic pixie dream girl, declaring that she wants to fix Rolf, another manic pixie dream girl but evil, much to the chagrin and jealousy of Ginny, a depressed troll nightmare girl. 50k words, friends to lovers, not actually unrequited love, toxic ex boyfriend, butchdoe yuri

Chapter Text

          Enter NEVILLE, FLORA, DRACO, RON, DEMELZA and HANNAH

NEVILLE: Hello and welcome to this video, where hopefully we will calm down because it’s been a crazy shoot week and it’s only Monday. Today we are playing my favourite board game of all time, Cluedo! It is a murder mystery game with up to six players, and during each turn we will roll dice to see where we can go and investigate the rooms of this house to figure out what has happened this night. There are six suspect cards, six weapon cards and nine room cards, one of each will be placed into a slip in the middle and that will be our murder scene. The rest of the cards are then shuffled and handed out to us, the players, and we will be using these cards to deduce what happened. If that’s too confusing, it’ll all make sense once we start playing.

DRACO: Okay, that’s going to be a problem for me, because I only found out this game existed today.

HANNAH: It’s fine, you’ll figure it out.

RON: We’re also playing with the newer version of the game, so we’ve got a pink lady instead of Mrs. White.

DEMELZA: Pink Lady? Like from Grease?

NEVILLE: Yes, I believe her name is Dr. Orchid. 

FLORA: Wow, and she is me, so that works perfectly.

          NEVILLE hands out the cards and DRACO makes a face at his hand

NEVILLE: And remember to write your cards down on your slip.

DRACO: There are so many elements to this game. I am going to lose so badly.

FLORA: Don’t talk about yourself like that. You just need to believe.

DRACO: I don’t believe!

DEMELZA: Okay, and I believe — hehe — Miss Scarlet always goes first.

HANNAH: Yes, she does.

          HANNAH rolls the dice and gets a seven

HANNAH: I am going into the Lounge, and I am going to make a suggestion.

NEVILLE: Yes, that is how the game works.

HANNAH: Fuck you.

NEVILLE: Woah!

HANNAH: Sorry, the Cards Against Humanities video was filmed right before lunch so I’m a little wild right now.

          HANNAH looks through her cards

DRACO: So, uh, how about this weather we’ve been having?

RON: It’s been wet and cold. We live in England.

HANNAH: I’m going to suggest Dr. Orchid, because I don’t trust this new lady.

          FLORA gasps

FLORA: Me? You think I would commit such a heinous crime?

HANNAH: Yes. And I think you used the rope to do it. Does anyone have any proof to refute that?

RON: I do.

          RON shows HANNAH a card from his hand

HANNAH: Interesting. Very interesting.

DRACO: Did no one else have anything?

DEMELZA: Draco, so if you make a suggestion, I would show you one card if I had one, and if I didn’t it would go around the table until either someone had a card or it got back to you. 

DRACO: That was not explained to me. 

HANNAH: Yeah, so Ron showed me a card, but that doesn’t mean that Neville or Flora can’t have a different card from that scenario.

DRACO: Oh, okay. Got it. The strategy I was planning to use is no longer going to be efficient then.

          RON rolls the dice and gets a ten

RON: I will be going to the Dining Room, because that spilled wine looks an awful lot like blood.

DEMELZA: The war flashbacks.

DRACO: What?

DEMELZA: Colonel Mustard, he was a soldier.

DRACO: Oh.

RON: This whole video is going in the “Draco Malfoy being clueless” compilations.

          DRACO laughs

NEVILLE: Clueless in Cluedo?

DRACO: No, but genuinely I think I somehow got the worst hand imaginable for this game, so I really am.

FLORA: That’s not good.

RON: You know what, I’ve had a bit to drink and I don’t remember things clearly, maybe it was me, in the Dining Room, with the wrench.

HANNAH: And this is why drinking away the pain doesn’t work.

FLORA: Colonel Mustard just like “I don’t know, I’ve killed before in the war, maybe I did tonight too?”

NEVILLE: I swear to God, it’s always Colonel Mustard. 

FLORA: Um, I have no cards.

RON: Ooh, spicy.

NEVILLE: I have a card.

          NEVILLE shows RON a card from his hand

RON: Not so spicy.

          FLORA rolls the dice and gets six

FLORA: I am going to use the trap door to go all the way to the Conservatory.

DRACO: There are trap doors?

FLORA: Yeah, the Lounge connects to the Conservatory and the Kitchen connects to the Study.

          FLORA looks through her cards

NEVILLE: You don’t realise how much is going on in this game until you have to explain it to someone, do you?

DEMELZA: Yeah.

FLORA: I say, Professor Plum in the Conservatory with the wrench.

DEMELZA: How dare you. Do I look like the kind of man that would do a murder?

FLORA: Yes.

DEMELZA: Okay, fair enough then.

NEVILLE: Here you go.

          NEVILLE shows FLORA a card from his hand

FLORA: That’s good for me.

HANNAH: Okay, so I’m noticing that Neville showed for both of those turns, and they both contained the wrench.

NEVILLE: Yeah, but theoretically I could have any of those cards.

HANNAH: That is true.

          NEVILLE rolls the dice and gets nine

NEVILLE: I will be joining you in the Conservatory.

FLORA: Garden party.

DEMELZA: Hell yeah.

NEVILLE: And I think it was Colonel Mustard with the dagger.

RON: Hey, I get it, no hard feelings.

HANNAH: I mean, I swear it’s Colonel Mustard, like, fifty percent of the time.

DRACO: Okay, so I do have a card for this, and I show just you?

NEVILLE: Yes.

DRACO: Got it.

          DRACO shows NEVILLE a card from his hand

DEMELZA: Proceeds to show everyone anyway.

DRACO: No! I’m not that clueless.

FLORA: Yeah, you just don’t know how to play most games or use most tools.

DRACO: Leave me alone. I was raised in a cult.

HANNAH: Okay, okay. It’s your turn now.

DRACO: Oh goodness.

          DRACO rolls the dice and gets three

DRACO: Can I even get anywhere with that?

DEMELZA: Uh, so you actually can’t.

DRACO: Wow. I’m just standing in the corridor near the Conservatory door.

FLORA: You can hear us clearly partying it up in there without you.

          DRACO laughs

DRACO: Poor Miss Peacock deserves better than this.

          DEMELZA rolls the dice and gets eleven

DEMELZA: And, you know what, I’m going to stay in the Conservatory. And I also think it was Colonel Mustard, but I think he used the wrench.

          NEVILLE laughs

DEMELZA: What’s so funny?

NEVILLE: Hannah, don’t look at me like that!

HANNAH: I have nothing.

RON: I also have nothing.

          NEVILLE snorts

FLORA: I too, have nothing.

HANNAH: Oh my God.

NEVILLE: I have a card.

HANNAH: It’s the wrench! I’m telling you, he has the wrench!

          NEVILLE laughs harder while showing DEMELZA a card from his hand

NEVILLE: I can’t believe this is happening right now.

DRACO: I mean it is entirely possible Neville has shown a different card for each of these scenarios.

HANNAH: Yeah but statistically isn’t it most likely that he has the wrench?

FLORA: I don’t think you know how statistics work.

HANNAH: Maybe I don’t, I don’t know. But it’s my turn! 

          HANNAH rolls the dice and gets a nine

HANNAH: I’m going all the way to the Hall. 

          HANNAH moves her piece with aggression

NEVILLE: God.

FLORA: Ask him the most basic question. Does he carry the wrench?

HANNAH: Green with the wrench!

          HANNAH stares into NEVILLE’s eyes

NEVILLE: Stop looking at me like that!

          RON laughs

DRACO: Damn, things get intense when there’s a secret murderer.

HANNAH: Show me the wrench, Nev!

RON: No, no, no. I have a card to show you.

HANNAH: Fuck!

          HANNAH hits the table and NEVILLE and FLORA laugh a little

DEMELZA: This is amazing.

          RON shows HANNAH a card from his hand

HANNAH: Fuck you, but also thanks, that was actually really helpful!

          RON laughs

NEVILLE: I can’t believe we’ve never played this on the channel before.

DRACO: This is incredible. I see why this is your favourite.

RON: My turn!

NEVILLE: It’s so good.

          RON rolls the dice and gets a two

RON: Well, I’ll just stay in the Conservatory. And … Hm.

          RON looks at his cards

NEVILLE: Did you have any favourite games growing up?

DRACO: Uh… sort of? I didn’t really have any siblings and my parents weren’t super into that stuff, so I didn’t really have anyone to play games with. And most popular games were considered too … uh … improper? A lot of games involve shouting at each other and getting really heated, which was unacceptable behaviour. What about you, Flora? You grew up similarly isolated.

FLORA takes a deep breath: Yeah? But I had an older sister and cousins, and we used to play snap a lot. Or like, Ministers and … Mongrels. Or, that’s what we called it. It’s played with regular playing cards.

RON: Can I make my suggestion now?

FLORA: No, Draco and I are trauma dumping about our puritanical upbringings.

          DRACO laughs a small amount

FLORA: Go ahead.

RON: Miss Scarlet, I don’t think you’ve been accused yet, and the pistol.

HANNAH: How dare you, I would never.

FLORA: No cards.

NEVILLE: Also no cards.

DRACO: I have one.

          DRACO shows RON a card from his hand

HANNAH: Now, I’ve noticed something.

DEMELZA: Hannah!

HANNAH: Both times Draco has shown a card, the suggestion has taken place in the Conservatory.

FLORA: Why are you saying this out loud? You’re just broadcasting your theories.

DRACO: If you want to know what cards I have, you’ll have to wait.

          FLORA rolls the dice and gets a four

FLORA: Okay, staying in the Conservatory.

NEVILLE: You can go to the Lounge.

FLORA: Let my stay with my brethren, the flowers. 

DEMELZA: You could make it to the Ballroom.

FLORA: Scarlet with the candlestick!

NEVILLE: I have proof.

          NEVILLE shows FLORA a card from his hand

NEVILLE: Got nothing to say?

HANNAH: Not yet. 

NEVILLE: Okay, well it’s my turn anyway.

          NEVILLE rolls the dice and gets a six

NEVILLE: Into the Library I go.

DRACO: Wait, how’d you end up over there?

NEVILLE: You move the person that you’re suggesting to whichever room you’re in.

DRACO: Oh.

NEVILLE: Let’s say … uh, let’s say it was me.

          RON gasps

FLORA: Reverend Green? The good Catholic man? Committing crimes? Unheard of.

NEVILLE: And maybe I used the lead pipe to do it.

DRACO: I don’t even have to look, I know I’ve got nothing.

DEMELZA: Hang on.

          DEMELZA checks her cards

DEMELZA: Neither.

HANNAH: I do.

NEVILLE: Oh, so it looks like you’re the one showing me a card. Not the other way around.

          HANNAH glares at NEVILLE while showing him a card from her hand

HANNAH: You will show me your wrench card.

RON: There’s something about being in the know that makes this infinitely funnier.

DRACO: Finally. Now unless I roll an appalling number I should hopefully get to participate.

          DRACO rolls the dice and gets a seven

DRACO: Screw you guys and your garden party, I’m going to the Billiard Room, and I'll play a game by myself.

RON: Well, you have to suggest someone.

DRACO: ‘Twas me! Because I don’t want to see any of you. And … hang on what are all the weapons?

          DRACO checks his slip of paper

DRACO: Dagger.

DEMELZA: Well allow me to present to you, my card.

          DEMELZA shows DRACO a card from her hand

DRACO: Thank you very much.

          DEMELZA rolls the dice and gets a nine

DEMELZA: Let’s move this party to the Ballroom. And I think it could be … hm. Since everyone’s suggesting themself, I’m going to say myself with the wrench.

FLORA: Wrench again?

HANNAH: Well, I don’t have any cards.

RON: God, neither do I. If Neville shows again I’m going to start crying.

FLORA, giggling: I don’t have any cards.

HANNAH: Oh wow! Nev, what card are you going to show her?

NEVILLE: What if I don’t have a card? What will you do then?

HANNAH: Cry! I will cry! But you do have a card don’t you!?

NEVILLE: So, uh … this is going to be hilarious, but I’m beginning to suspect something because of all of this. Demelza, I do have a card.

HANNAH: Aha!

          NEVILLE shows DEMELZA a card from his hand while laughing

          DEMELZA laughs too

DEMELZA: I can’t believe this right now.

HANNAH: I can!

DRACO: Does this game usually get this heated?

NEVILLE: No! And if it does, not usually this quickly.

HANNAH: Neville, it is my turn now, so you know what’s coming.

          HANNAH rolls the dice and gets a ten

HANNAH: Draco, I’m joining you in the Billiard Room. It was Mustard in the Billiard Room with the wrench! 

          NEVILLE laughs hard

NEVILLE: I can’t breathe.

RON: Nev, Nev, Nev, you have the opportunity to do the funniest thing.

DEMELZA: Please, I need this to get to Neville so that he can show the card.

RON: I don’t have anything.

HANNAH: Ha!

          FLORA snorts

FLORA: I don’t have anything either.

          NEVILLE laughs hard enough his face starts turning pink

HANNAH: Come on Nev! Show me the card!

NEVILLE: You are going to hate me for this. But unfortunately I have to.

          NEVILLE shows HANNAH a card from his hand

HANNAH: No! No, don’t do that!

          RON and DEMELZA laugh

HANNAH: The wrench Neville! 

DRACO: Did he not show you the wrench?

RON: This is amazing.

FLORA: Unfortunately for Hannah, she has made something incredibly obvious to the rest of us.

HANNAH: Neville! You can’t do this to me!

NEVILLE: Hannah, you are going to be so upset when you realise what’s been going on this whole time. 

DRACO: I feel incredibly out of the loop. But you know what, that’s my own doing for not suggesting wrench when I had the opportunity.

DEMELZA: Draco, next turn of yours, I need you to suggest something specific so that Hannah can go insane.

DRACO: No, fuck you guys. I’m going on my own journey.

HANNAH: I am so mad right now.

RON: Well, it’s my turn.

          RON rolls the dice and gets a seven

RON: Back to the Conservatory I go. And….

          RON checks his slip of paper

RON: Let’s say Peacock and rope.

DRACO: Why would you do this to me?

RON: Because I want to know.

DRACO: Look at the dress and heels this woman is in. She can’t possibly have killed anyone.

FLORA: I have a card.

          FLORA shows RON a card from her hand

NEVILLE: So Hannah, I’m noticing you aren’t saying anything about anyone else’s hand.

HANNAH: Don’t you even start with me.

          FLORA rolls the dice and gets a ten

FLORA: Let’s check out the Billiard Room, why not.

DEMELZA: So, have any of you ever played Billiard’s?

RON: I played it at a bar once. It’s kinda fun.

HANNAH: I hate it. It’s all maths.

DRACO: We’ve got a billiard’s table at my work, but I’ve never used it.

FLORA: I’m going to suggest Miss Scarlet.

HANNAH: You walk in and point a finger at me after I’ve gone all over this board?

NEVILLE: And yet you still haven’t found the wrench.

HANNAH: I will kill you.

FLORA: And, let’s say it was the rope.

NEVILLE: No cards.

DRACO: I have a card.

          DRACO shows FLORA a card from his hand

FLORA: I actually didn’t think that was the card you had. Although I am beginning to realise what you meant earlier about a shit hand.

DRACO: Yeah, it’s rough over here.

NEVILLE: So, Hannah–

HANNAH: No! I don’t want to hear it, Longboy!

          NEVILLE laughs

DRACO: Longboy?

HANNAH: I – just play the game!

          NEVILLE rolls the dice and gets a six

NEVILLE: Study, Dr. Orchid, pistol.

FLORA: Look, I get I’m new to this team, but come on. 

DRACO: I do not have anything.

DEMELZA: I have nothing.

HANNAH: … I hate you.

NEVILLE: Holy shit.

HANNAH: I have a card.

          RON, FLORA and NEVILLE laugh

DEMELZA: This is insane.

          HANNAH begrudgingly shows NEVILLE a card from her hand

NEVILLE: Thank you, that’s very much appreciated.

HANNAH: Fuck off.

DRACO: My turn. Where am I…? Oh, Conservatory.

          DRACO rolls the dice and gets a four

DRACO: Can I hop the trapdoor with that?

NEVILLE: Yeah.

DRACO: Okay then. Lounge, Orchid, revolver.

DEMELZA: And I have nothing.

HANNAH: I have something.

NEVILLE: So, Hannah, two times in a row you’ve said you have a card to pistol.

HANNAH: I am going to commit a crime.

          HANNAH shows DRACO a card from her hand

DRACO: Thank you.

RON: How are you doing over there?

DRACO: I feel like I’m way out of the loop, but there are scribbles everywhere.

          DEMELZA rolls the dice and gets an eight

DEMELZA: Ooh, I can just make it to the Dining Room.

RON: That wine is suspicious.

DRACO: What wine – Oh, on the board itself.

NEVILLE: Draco, I’m so sorry. We have a really bad habit of just throwing you into the deep end of every game.

DRACO: No it’s fine, it’s actually really funny.

HANNAH: He does also manage to win a lot in spite of it anyway.

DEMELZA: Scarlet with the dagger.

HANNAH: How dare you.

DEMELZA: Any cards?

HANNAH: No, I don’t have any.

RON: I also … have no cards.

FLORA: I don’t have any cards.

DEMELZA: Oh my God.

NEVILLE: … I have nothing.

DEMELZA: Oh my–

DRACO: I have a card.

DEMELZA: Oh, fuck you.

RON: That went around the whole table.

          DRACO shows DEMELZA a card from his hand

DEMELZA: That was fine.

RON: Does anyone have any theories?

HANNAH: I have one, and I kinda want to test it.

NEVILLE: I’ve got some theories, and I feel like I’ve already figured out one thing.

DRACO: What? You guys are figuring this out?

FLORA: Yeah, there is one thing that most of us probably know by this point.

HANNAH: It might be the thing I’m trying to test.

RON: I highly doubt that.

DRACO: I feel like I know nothing.

DEMELZA: Honestly, same, but I have a pretty solid theory on one of the cards in the centre. I’m just not confirmed on it.

          HANNAH rolls the dice and gets a twelve

HANNAH: Oh yeah. Into the Kitchen I go.

NEVILLE: I always forget about the Kitchen.

FLORA: Very unassuming.

HANNAH: I was waiting for the women in the kitchen joke.

RON: No, we’re not Rolf.

          HANNAH laughs a little

HANNAH: Peacock, I’m thinking you, and I’m going to say you did with the dagger.

DRACO: I would never. Too messy.

RON: I’ve got nothing.

FLORA: I have something.

          FLORA shows HANNAH a card from her hand

NEVILLE: Not trying to get the wrench anymore?

HANNAH: No bitch! Because I know you have it, so I don’t need to check for it!

          NEVILLE laughs

NEVILLE: Hannah, you’re amazing, you’re so smart, so wonderful, but you are also going to be so upset by the end of this and I fear the rage you will unleash.

          RON rolls the dice and gets a six

HANNAH: So, my theory was wrong.

FLORA: That was your theory?

HANNAH: Yeah.

FLORA: Definitely not.

HANNAH: Yeah, but now I’ve narrowed it down to two options.

FLORA: Oh shit.

RON: Ballroom it is. I’d like to suggest Scarlet with the lead pipe.

HANNAH: I swear I’ve been in every room already.

DRACO: That’s just because we keep suggesting you.

FLORA: No cards.

NEVILLE: I also have no cards.

HANNAH: Is the same thing about to happen again?

DRACO: I don’t have any cards.

RON: If this happens again, that would be so funny.

DEMELZA: I have a card.

RON: Damn, we were so close.

          DEMELZA shows RON a card from her hand

RON: Thank you.

          FLORA rolls the dice and gets a five

FLORA: You know what, I kind of want to stay in the Lounge anyway. 

NEVILLE: The fact that Draco is constantly writing stuff down does mildly concern me.

DRACO: Don’t be concerned, I have no idea what’s going on. This is me attempting to have some semblance of understanding.

RON, to NEVILLE: You say that, but you’re constantly writing stuff down too.

DEMELZA: Yeah, but Neville at least puts his pencil down every so often.

DRACO: Leave me alone.

FLORA: I’m going to suggest that perhaps it was you, Green.

          NEVILLE gasps

FLORA: With the rope.

NEVILLE: I have no proof to the contrary, unfortunately.

DRACO: Neither do I.

DEMELZA: I … also can’t say that didn’t happen.

NEVILLE: See, this is what happens when we start getting further into the game.

RON: Why?

NEVILLE: I don’t know, this just always starts happening later in the game.

HANNAH: So, Flora.

FLORA: No way.

HANNAH: I do actually have something.

FLORA: No! I wanted it to go all the way through!

          HANNAH shows FLORA a card from her hand

NEVILLE: My turn.

          NEVILLE rolls the dice and gets a seven

NEVILLE: Dining Room party. And – oh I could be so mean.

RON: In what way?

NEVILLE: Peacock, I think it was you with the wrench.

HANNAH: Oh fuck all the way off! You know it’s not the wrench!

NEVILLE: Do I know that?

HANNAH: Yes, you do!

DRACO: Well it doesn’t really matter, because I have a card to show you anyway.

NEVILLE: Seriously? Didn’t go a little bit around the table.

RON: It would be crazy if Draco had this thing the whole time.

DRACO, with narrowed eyes: If I had what this whole time?

RON shrugs: Nothing.

DRACO: I’m beginning to join the loop. I think.

NEVILLE: Just show me the card.

DRACO: Fine! I was excited to finally be in on the joke, but whatever. If you’re going to be rude about it.

          DRACO shows NEVILLE a card from his hand

NEVILLE: No, I’m sorry. 

HANNAH: You guys are pissing me off. 

NEVILLE: Wow.

FLORA: Wait, Draco, have you actually?

DRACO: I’m saying nothing. You guys can figure out what I’ve got on your own.

DEMELZA: I’m … if Draco has this card I may cry.

RON: If we’ve all been wrong this whole time that’s honestly extra hilarious.

FLORA: No, I refuse to believe.

HANNAH: You guys are fucking with me, aren’t you?

NEVILLE: Don’t worry about it. You don’t need to be concerned.

HANNAH: Neville, shut up.

DRACO: I would like to stay in the Dining Room, is there even a point to rolling?

FLORA: I don’t know, sometimes I skip it if I don’t plan to move anyway.

DRACO: Okay, Scarlet, I think it was you with the wrench.

FLORA: And the wrench saga continues.

HANNAH: I hate you guys. With a burning passion.

RON: Draco, if you have it, this is mean.

DRACO: I already told you, I’m saying nothing.

DEMELZA: No cards to show.

HANNAH: I also have no cards.

RON: I don’t have any cards.

FLORA: This is fucked. I don’t have anything either.

HANNAH: Doesn’t matter, we all know how this one ends.

NEVILLE: We do! I don’t think you do!

HANNAH: Neville, I am begging you to please close that mouth of yours and not open it until absolutely necessary.

NEVILLE: Woah!

HANNAH: Sorry, that was a little unnecessary.

NEVILLE: A little?

HANNAH: No, I take it back! Extremely necessary!

FLORA: Are you guys done?

HANNAH: No, we are not!

DEMELZA turns to the camera: Hey kids, Mummy and Daddy are having an argument right now.

HANNAH: Show him the card Nev. Show him!

DRACO: Yeah Neville, what little secrets do you have?

NEVILLE: Hannah.

HANNAH: Show him, the card.

DEMELZA, to the camera: Just focus on me kiddos. It’ll all cool over soon.

NEVILLE: I wish I could, but I have no cards.

DRACO: What?

HANNAH: What!?

          DRACO stares down at his piece of paper

HANNAH: What do you mean you don’t have any cards!?

DEMELZA, to the camera: Or, maybe not. This one might need a divorce.

NEVILLE: Hannah, I have not had the wrench this entire game! We all thought it was the murder weapon!

HANNAH: No!

RON: Draco, do you have the wrench?

DRACO: … I have a number of these cards. Whether that number is one, two or three is up to you guys to figure out.

RON: Draco!

FLORA: You cannot do this to us!

HANNAH: I hate all of you!

FLORA: Draco, do you have the wrench or not!

DRACO: You have to figure that out yourself!

DEMELZA, to the camera: Things are getting a little heated.

HANNAH: Draco! I swear to all that is holy, if you have the wrench I will be so mad!

          DRACO puts his head on the table and starts laughing

NEVILLE: This is amazing.

HANNAH: Don’t you even start! I’m still mad at you, Mister!

DEMELZA, to the camera: I have no idea what’s going on right now. But they’re arguing and Draco has been implicated now. Why? I don’t know. Something about a wrench?

RON: I thought I had something and now I feel like I’m back to square one.

NEVILLE: I’m having a great time.

HANNAH: Oh are you? Are you and Draco having a dandy old time over there? You guys suck!

DEMELZA, to the camera: Daddy and Mummy are still arguing, and I’m beginning to think an affair took place.

DRACO: Demelza! Stop writing fanfiction, it is your turn!

HANNAH: We are not done here!

DRACO: Oh, we most certainly are.

DEMELZA: Okay, everybody! I am going to make my move!

          DEMELZA rolls the dice and gets a ten

DEMELZA: I’m cracking this case open. Scarlet, wrench, Dining Room.

RON: You already know none of us have these cards.

DEMELZA: Show me the card Draco.

FLORA: What if Draco has nothing?

DEMELZA: That would be amazing.

DRACO: I do have a card.

HANNAH: It’s the wrench isn’t it? He’s got the wrench.

          DRACO shows DEMELZA a card from his hand

DEMELZA: Thank – Fuck! I already knew that!

          DRACO laughs

DEMELZA: That told me nothing!

HANNAH: Draco, if I find out you had all three cards I’m going to be so pissed.

DRACO: Well it’s your turn.

HANNAH: Myself! Dining Room! Wrench!

          DRACO laughs hard enough his face goes pink

HANNAH: Show me, the wrench, Draco.

NEVILLE: I love that I have somehow managed to be in the know for most of this game. 

HANNAH: I didn’t give you permission to speak again!

          NEVILLE laughs

DEMELZA: Draco, just to be funny, please do it.

DRACO: Here.

          DRACO shows HANNAH a card from his hand

HANNAH: No! Fuck you! The wrench, Draco! I wanted to see the wrench!

          DRACO laughs harder

HANNAH: I know you have it!

DRACO wheezing: Do I?

HANNAH: Oh, you two are fucking with me!

          DRACO and NEVILLE laugh

RON: My turn!

DEMELZA: Please get a number high enough to end up in the Dining Room.

          RON rolls the dice and gets ten

RON: Yes!

DRACO wheezing: Neville. Help me!

NEVILLE takes a deep breath: I’m sorry. This is an insane first Cluedo experience.

RON: Scarlet, wrench.

DRACO: There is water coming out of my eyes.

NEVILLE: Draco, darling, sweetie—

          DRACO splutters

NEVILLE: —that's called crying. It’s very normal.

DRACO: Stop it!

RON: Show me, the card.

DRACO: I will show you a card.

          DRACO shows RON a card from his hand

RON: That’s … fine.

          NEVILLE laughs a little

NEVILLE: This is the best day of my life.

DRACO: It better not be.

FLORA: If I roll a two I will be mad.

          FLORA rolls the dice and gets a two, reacting by putting her head on the table

          NEVILLE and DRACO laugh

NEVILLE: You jinxed yourself there!

FLORA: It’s fine! We process of elimination this shit. Wrench and Mustard.

NEVILLE: I have a card.

FLORA: Wait, fuck! Why did I do that!? 

NEVILLE: I don’t know!

DRACO: You really didn’t do the process of elimination right then.

          NEVILLE shows FLORA a card from his hand

RON: You fucked yourself there. I feel no sympathy.

FLORA: Why did I do that? That was so stupid.

          NEVILLE picks up the dice

FLORA: And that didn’t help me at all!

RON: So do we all know that it’s definitely not me now?

NEVILLE: What do you mean by that?

DRACO: I figured out you had Mustard a while ago.

NEVILLE: Oh. How?

DRACO: I don’t know. But it’s been marked off for a while.

          NEVILLE rolls the dice and gets a nine

NEVILLE: Not important, I’m staying here anyway.

DRACO: Not you too!

NEVILLE: I mean, I feel like I have to.

DRACO: Neville!

NEVILLE: Draco!

DRACO: Fine. Make your suggestion.

NEVILLE: Scarlet and wrench.

DRACO, making a voice: Oh wow, how surprising. Here, fucking loser.

          DRACO shows NEVILLE a card from his hand

DEMELZA: The girls are fighting.

NEVILLE: Yeah, that’s what I thought anyway.

DRACO: I’m pretty sure I showed you that card earlier.

          NEVILLE shrugs

DRACO: My turn now!

          DRACO rolls the dice and gets an eleven

DRACO: I haven’t been to the Hall yet.

FLORA: Has anyone been to the Hall?

HANNAH: I think I was in it at some point.

DRACO: Plum and the candlestick.

          NEVILLE presses his lips into a line

DEMELZA: I have nothing.

FLORA: If Draco goes through all of us again I will be very upset.

          DRACO smirks

HANNAH sighs: I have nothing.

RON: Oh my God. Draco, fuck you. I also do not have any cards.

HANNAH: This sucks!

DEMELZA: How are you doing this?

DRACO: Honestly, this move is very dependent on a specific theory.

FLORA: I hate you, and I have no cards.

NEVILLE: You did that on purpose.

DRACO: I have a theory, and if I’m right it’ll be awesome.

NEVILLE: I need to remember something.

DRACO: This could easily go wrong for me.

          NEVILLE shows DRACO a card from his hand

NEVILLE: I hope that’s not helpful.

DRACO: It’s … it’s a card that you’ve now shown me.

RON: Okay, so it wasn’t helpful.

DRACO: Didn’t tell me much that I didn’t already know.

NEVILLE: Okay, good.

DEMELZA: Are we just going to follow Draco around again?

DRACO: Please don’t.

          DEMELZA rolls the dice and gets a six

DEMELZA: Lounge it is then.

HANNAH: This is intense.

DEMELZA: Scarlet, candlestick. 

RON: Oh?

DEMELZA: Trying something different.

HANNAH: I have a card.

DEMELZA: Damnit!

          HANNAH shows DEMELZA a card from her hand

DEMELZA: Thanks.

HANNAH: Okay, Draco, the wrench.

DRACO: Roll the dice first.

          HANNAH rolls the dice and gets a nine

HANNAH: I’m going to the Ballroom.

RON: That’s different.

HANNAH: Plum, Ballroom, wrench.

DEMELZA: Why am I getting caught in the middle of this?

HANNAH: Sorry, it’s necessary.

RON: No cards.

FLORA: Also no cards.

HANNAH: I will see the wrench.

NEVILLE: No you won’t, I have a card.

HANNAH: Fuck! 

          NEVILLE shows HANNAH a card from his hand

HANNAH: You two are working together to keep this wrench a secret from me.

DRACO: Not really, I think you’re just bad at the game.

HANNAH: Says you! You didn’t even know what the game was until today!

DRACO: Yeah, and I’m beating you. So what does that say about your skills?

HANNAH: Oh fuck y– Wait a minute.

NEVILLE: Fuck, was that helpful?

HANNAH: Supremely. It also definitely confirmed that Draco does have the wrench.

DRACO: You are in a world of your own, and I’m glad for you, but you need to come back at some point.

          RON and NEVILLE laugh

FLORA: What?

HANNAH: I am going to commit acts of violence by the end of this video.

RON: I feel like nothing is as it seems. Like, do I actually know anything?

NEVILLE: I don’t know. But I’m questioning a few things.

HANNAH: I know one thing for certain.

NEVILLE: I think I know what you know.

          RON rolls the dice and gets a three

RON: Can’t get to the Hall with that. I’ll stay in the Lounge. Is it Plum with the wrench?

FLORA: No cards.

NEVILLE: I have a card.

RON: Oh, so now you’re hiding the wrench from me too?

NEVILLE: Just make better suggestions.

HANNAH: Fuck you, Neville.

          NEVILLE shows RON a card from his hand

RON: I wish that was more helpful.

FLORA: It’s fine guys. I’ve got this.

FLORA rolls the dice and gets a five

FLORA: Now I can get to the Dining Room.

NEVILLE: You’re a little late to the party.

FLORA: Scarlet, wrench, Dining Room.

DRACO: I thought you guys were over this.

FLORA: Well, I’m not!

NEVILLE: Nothing.

DRACO shows FLORA a card from his hand

FLORA: Okay.

DEMELZA: So, did you show us all the same card?

DRACO: Maybe I did, maybe I didn’t. You’ll just have to wait and see.

DEMELZA: You tricky bastard.

NEVILLE: I’m so scared that if I don’t figure this out now, Draco will win. 

DRACO: Somehow, by some miracle, I will win the game I hadn’t heard of until today. While not knowing any of the rules too.

NEVILLE: That would kill me.

DRACO: Make an accusation then.

NEVILLE: If I’m wrong I’m out.

HANNAH: Please do it and be wrong. That’ll make me so happy.

NEVILLE: I need to check this theory first. Because I’m only certain of one thing, and it’s … Draco still doesn’t know stuff, so that gives me hope. Okay. No accusation.

          NEVILLE rolls the dice and gets a twelve

NEVILLE: Oh thank fuck. Ballroom.

DEMELZA: Interesting.

NEVILLE: Scarlet, wrench.

DRACO: I have … no cards.

HANNAH: What!?

RON: I’m in shock.

NEVILLE: Figured.

HANNAH: No! No! No! Draco! You don’t have the wrench!?

DRACO: Nope.

DEMELZA: Well, I have a card.

NEVILLE: Shit.

          DEMELZA shows NEVILLE a card from her hand

NEVILLE: I fear we have handed this game to Hannah.

HANNAH: I can assure you, you have not.

DRACO: Well, I’d like to make an accusation.

NEVILLE: No. No you wouldn’t.

DRACO: You messed up earlier, by showing me a certain card.

NEVILLE: How?

DRACO: I think it was Miss Scarlet who did the murder in the Hall, with the wrench.

HANNAH: No!

FLORA: Hannah has been making threats of violence this whole time.

          DRACO picks up the pocket and checks the cards

DRACO: And I’m right!

HANNAH: No….

          HANNAH slowly turns away from the table

NEVILLE: This whole time I’ve been operating under the assumption it was the Ballroom.

HANNAH: I … had the wrench the whole time….

          RON and NEVILLE laugh

DEMELZA: There is something objectively funny about Hannah’s character doing the murder with the wrench she’s been shouting about this whole time.

DRACO: Do you want to know where you messed up?

NEVILLE: Please.

DRACO: When I said Plum, candlestick, Hall, I already knew you had Mustard and the candlestick, so when you showed me Plum that meant that you couldn’t have the Hall either, meaning it had to be the Hall.

NEVILLE: You said it wasn’t helpful!

DRACO: I lied.

NEVILLE: I thought I had already shown you Plum.

DRACO: You hadn’t. I thought you might’ve had him, I don’t know when I figured that out, but I was just kind of hoping you wouldn’t show me candlestick.

NEVILLE: Why did you use my cards for that, instead of your own?

DRACO: So, I only had room cards, and the room was what I was trying to figure out.

RON: Oh, that’s bad.

FLORA: So that’s what you meant when you said you had the worst hand possible for this game?

DRACO: Yeah, it wasn’t looking good. I’m surprised I won.

DEMELZA: That means you did show all of us the Dining Room!

HANNAH: I am so upset with myself.

NEVILLE: Yeah, you were screaming about the wrench the whole game, and I knew I didn’t have it, and I didn’t think Draco had it.

DRACO: It was really funny though.

DEMELZA: This was crazy.

NEVILLE: Yeah. Well we don’t really have time for a second round, I don’t think.

          Cut

NEVILLE: This was Cluedo, it got insane. Um, thank you for watching and I hope the gratuitous shouting and swearing was fun for you. Bye!

FLORA: If Neville ends up killed by a wrench, we know who did it.

          HANNAH and NEVILLE laugh

—

COMMENTS

hogwildernessfan: I actually love when Flora and Draco are in videos together!! 🌸🐉

          katrinavolkovich2948: bonded through religious trauma

kennethkatiethelozer: Hannah coming in hot bcus she just came from the cah video is so funny to me like she really expected a “women belong in the kitchen” joke bcus of rolf

SunMoonSupremacy: How did I know before even clicking on the video that Ron would be Mustard and Draco would be Peacock??

ronrolfisreal: Can’t believe this is the video that makes me ship Nevannah

arthurchavelier1039: Draco is my fav pathetic wet cat with lots of random skills

VegatheStarboy: Draco having no clue how to play games but always winning them is my favourite genre of Hogwild video.

finnjackson194: The joke about priests committing crimes coming from Flora, someone who was raised in a strict religious setting, gives it a whole new meaning.

KittythePupgirl: Hannah thinking Neville had the wrench the whole time only for her to be the one to use it as the weapon is crazy

spenceanzai79: I love how wholesome this video is (if you ignore all the screaming)

briannalynnmayfeild4: can we just take a moment to appreciate that these guys never make fun of Draco for not knowing how games work and actually try to just explain it to him?