Chapter Text
You're so tortured when you sleep
Plagued with all your memories
The nightmares start almost as soon as he’s released from the hospital. He got lucky. He knew that the outcome could’ve been much, much worse. He realizes how close he came to never leaving the hospital. He has Claire and Shaun to thank for the fact that he did. Shaun couldn’t resist a case everyone else said was impossible. And Claire, she would’ve fought for anyone of them. But he knows there is more to it than just her being a soft touch.
He thinks of her telling him that she loved him and getting the chance to say it back. He was filled with regrets at that moment, and he thought he’d never get a chance to love her as she deserved. But she doesn’t deserve this either. He’ll be away from the hospital for who knows how long as he recovers from the surgery. He’s weak and tired, and in a few moments of weakness, he wonders if maybe it would’ve been better if he hadn’t made it after all.
He’s on the sofa, too tired to move to his bed, but also afraid to go to sleep, not sure which nightmare is going to be waiting for him. He’s haunted by images of the brewery, the screams of those around him, haunted by the thought of leaving Gabi, of leaving Claire, of never being able to be in the OR again.
He hears someone at the door, but he doesn’t move. He knows that it’s either Audrey or Claire. They’d both been coming over often to check on him. Part of him wishes they wouldn’t, he hates either one seeing him like this, but he thinks it’s worse when it’s Claire. He doesn’t want her to think of him as anything other than the man he was before the earthquake.
“Hey,” she says softly.
He looks up and as much as he didn’t want it to be her, he’s glad it is. He takes a moment to just look at her. The darkness under her eyes makes him wonder if he’s not the only one struggling to sleep.
“You should tell Audrey you need a day off.”
“Why?” she asks, sitting her bag on the table, “You want to do something together?”
He scoffs, “Like what, watch me in physical therapy?”
She sank down into the chair, “I’d watch you do anything,” she admits softly.
“I can’t say it’s going to be much fun.”
She moves to sit beside him, and takes his hand, “I know that things are hard right now, but I’m here.” He looks down at their hands. “You can talk to me about what’s going on, or not talk to me, but I’m here and I’m not going anywhere. If you need a cheerleader, I’m here for you.”
He keeps his eyes on their hands. He thinks about all the surgeries that they have completed together, all the times, she’s stood there beside him. He thinks of that night, the things they said.
“Did you mean it?” he asks.
She hesitates, “I do hate your tattoo.”
He can’t help but smile, “You are a terrible bowler.”
“And I love you.”
“I love you too.”
“Loving you doesn’t stop because you’re recovering.”
He allows himself to lean against her, “I can’t sleep,” he shares. “I keep seeing…” he trails off as her arms come around him. “When I thought about this, I never pictured being so…”
“Incredible,” she finishes. “You almost died.” Her voice shakes and he wishes he could take away any pain she’s feeling. “You’re here Neil, and although I’m terrified, I want to figure this out with you. I want this with you.”
“I want it too,” he admits, “But…”
“First, sleep, we can figure out the rest later.” She nudges him to stand up, “Come on.”
He stands, glad that he’s been getting stronger. She takes his hand and walk up to his room. He climbs into bed and looks at her.
“Stay.”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“You won’t.”
She climbs in next to him, keeping her distance, and for the first time since he’s been home, he feels like he can breathe. He closes his eyes and drifts off to her beside him. For the first time since the earthquake, he dreams of his future with her.