Chapter Text
I remember when I was a little kid, I used to draw on the walls a lot. The way Dad convinced me to stop it was by telling me that if we ever had to move houses, I’d have to leave my beautiful artwork behind. It worked in getting me to stop drawing on the walls, not so much in getting me to like or even accept the idea of having to move.
I… don’t know how to feel about my life at my old home and old schools. In Wide Meadows School— a small K-8 private school— I had friends here and there, sure, but far too often a lot of other kids just had something against me and I don’t know why. But at the same time, I’d spent nine years at the place, so it only makes sense I’d become attached to it. I was able to become familiar with everything and everyone and everywhere.
Going from that to big public Pine Peaks High School felt like… traveling to a different planet. Everyone else in my Wide Meadows class was going to different high schools. I wasn’t seeing all the same people in each class. Classrooms felt miles apart from each other and textbooks were back-achingly heavy. Everyone else was already close with each other due to having all gone to the Elementary Schools and Middle Junior High School that were in that district. At least I was able to not become everyone’s favorite target scapegoat, but even then, there were still those kids who definitely thought I was annoying or didn’t contribute anything Important.
Near the end of the year, though, I was starting to get more used to Pine Peaks as well. I did even manage to make a few friends, while still being able to visit my old Wide Meadows friends every now and then. In the end, it was really only the school I went to that had changed. It'd taken a while, but it had become just another part of my home in Rosemouth City, just outside of San Francisco, California...
…Only for Dad to get a job offer upstate in this town called Cedar Cove. He’s a mechanical engineer, and while his job back at home was pretty good, this new job offered better pay and a better working environment. And I’m just like, are you kidding me? I’m happy for you Dad, don’t get me wrong, but what the fuck do you mean I have to go through this shit again??? And worse this time, because nearly everything I have is getting uprooted!?!?
I guess it could be worse. Rosemouth is still at least like… a 2-3 hour drive away. But still too far away. If going to a new school was like moving to a different planet, leaving my home entirely– the place I’d lived in since I was born- was like waking up in another universe. All new people, new town, all new buildings, new house. I liked our old house! It was cozy! It was… familiar! It was… mine!
This new one… it doesn’t even have a second floor! But other than that… it’s not bad. It’s cozy, but not too small. But it still wasn’t the home I lived in all my life.
On a more positive note, maybe this new school, Oliver M. Berry High School, will be better. Maybe there will be less bullshit than at Wide Meadows and Pine Peaks. Maybe kids will be less pissy and judgmental. As long as we don’t have to surprise-move again, I can probably work with this. I hope…
Well, still, it was hard enough being able to make friends at either of my old schools. I still have to start all over again on that. Is there nothing I can rely on to just stay the fuck as it is?
Well… whatever the case, I’m gonna at least make this fun for me. I’ve done that before, I can do it again. It wasn’t always 100% successful, but it’s better than nothing.
My phone alarm goes off at 7:30 AM. The sweet jingly tune I picked for my alarm that soothed my heart and made me smile with softness when I first tried it, now sets my ears and brain on fire. Shut the fuck up… please… I reach for the “Dismiss” button, it takes a few blind taps but it shuts up. Why…
A minute later, Dad knocks at my door and calls cheerfully, “Evie-bear! Time to get up!”
School starts at 9:00 AM, but I can’t risk being late, so I asked him to wake me up at this time. There are a few problems, however. The soft maroon fluffy blanket is like a nice warm weight on me. My eyelids weigh just about the same. The floor is 5 feet below the bed. It’s too damn early, I need 10 more minutes…
My eyes start to open a bit better. The room is lit merely by the bleak sunrise— outside, the world looks more bright and warm and happy, but inside my room it’s still all shady and dim and kinda gloomy. I can see where everything is… and that’s it.
I check my phone— 7:40. I… guess I’d better get up and eat breakfast soon. Except my stomach feels nonexistent.
I climb down from my bed and put on a classic favorite ensemble that I set out last night: my favorite jean jacket that I’ve had since 7th grade with cute smiley face and kitten buttons, soft white t-shirt with small red and blue horizontal stripes, and olive khakis where I actually don’t care for the color but they’re weirdly comfortable and they go well with the shirt and jacket so what the hell ever. A purple athletic sock, and a red athletic sock. And, of course, my glasses. It’s colorful, bold, fun, but still casual and not too fancy. I always look cool whenever I wear this, and today wasn’t any different.
My cute kitten-heart-star-patterned backpack is packed and ready to go— with my notebooks, pencilcases, first period textbook, and other supplies. I sling it over my shoulder and head downstairs, where Dad is in the kitchen. He’s already poured me a bowl of Cocoa Krispies, and made me fresh airy Earl Grey tea with soothing honey and creamer. He’s got out my silver thermos too, in case I need to take my tea to school.
“Morning, Dad…”
“Morning, Evie-Bear!”
I set my backpack down and sit down at the table. Dad brings me the bowl of cereal, along with a carton of milk.
“Thank you, Dad,” I say as he sets down the cereal in front of me. I take the milk and pour it into the bowl, then I make an attempt to eat. I think seeing the crispy fresh chocolatey cereal made my stomach half-return. But not fully. I yawn as I gently mix the cereal in the milk.
“Looks like we’re gonna have to walk you to school, Evie-bear. Not a good idea to drive when you’re two-tired!”
I snort and burst out giggling. And just like that, the sunrise already seemed significantly less bleak. I quickly get myself together and playfully roll my eyes at him. “Daaaaaaaad.”
Dad chuckles, grinning quite proudly, then regains himself. “In all seriousness, though… I am expected to stay at work a bit late today, meaning you might have to walk home from school. So it might be best if you get familiar with the route this morning.”
I raise my eyebrows at him. “You really trust me to walk all that way?”
Dad playfully rolls his eyes. “Evie, you’ve run much longer routes through town for cross-country and track practice.”
“Yeah… but I got lost on my first few runs when I fell behind the rest of the group.”
“You knew how to find your way back.”
“After ten minutes of aimlessly wandering and panicking my ass off, until I saw other kids on the way back.”
“They were new routes to you at the time, so of course you had some trouble with it. But once you got familiar with the routes, it became a breeze. That’s why I’m offering to walk you to school— so you get some familiarity with the route.”
“I… guess you have a point…”
“And, not just the way to school, but the town as well. It’s good for you to learn these sorts of navigation skills and literal street smarts.”
“Yeah, I know it is, but…”
“It’s scary sometimes, I know.”
“Yeah…”
“Which is even more reason to practice it. It’s less scary when you start to build up your skills.”
I nod. “Mm-hmm.”
He smiles. “Now, kiddo, do you want me to make you anything for lunch?”
“I’m planning on taking some of the leftover Mac-n-Cheese, actually.”
“You want me to pack it for you?”
“Yes, please! I already got my thermos out, it’s on the island.”
Dad takes out the tub of leftover creamy Mac-n-Cheese from the fridge and microwaves it. Then he shovels it into my lovely purple thermos container that comes with a collapsible spoon. I can already feel my mouth watering. There’s something about eating leftover creamy Mac-n-Cheese from a thermos container, with the collapsible spoon, that makes it extra tantalizing to me. I think it’s satisfying to be able to have a warm lunch that you can take with you, yet is still warm and fresh once you’re ready to eat. Especially when it’s something as delicious and rich and creamy as Mac-n-cheese. I almost wanna just eat it right now.
But… it’s for lunch. Best I wait till lunchtime to enjoy it.
The good news is, I think I can actually eat the Cocoa Krispies now.
After I finish my cereal and my tea, I brush my hair over my head into the cool side-bang style I like, slip into my pink-and-silver asics, pack my lunch into my backpack, and I’m ready to go.
The walk to school is actually pretty pleasant. The peaceful path, the surprisingly lukewarm morning air, all of it. It takes less than 10 minutes, and following the path is pretty easy. There are like, what, two turns? Remembering all the street names is a bit of a pain, but it helps to take note of distinct landmarks. Like the small neighborhood of pretty pastel-colored houses. Or that giant pink donut-shaped sign for this Debbie’s Donuts shop. Yeah, it’s not so different from finding my way around while doing running training. The walk home should go well.
Now to hope I don’t get lost on the way to my classes. School starts in less than 15 minutes, though, so right now at least I have plenty of time to find my way to my first period class. And thank fuck for my new school pre-stocking the lockers with each kid’s necessary textbooks, and for Dad bringing me my first period textbook while running errands yesterday.
After Dad and I hug and kiss each other goodbye, I stand in front of the enormous, glassy building that is my new school: Oliver M. Berry High School. Sweet, juicy, refreshing, thirst-quenching berries. The school’s name is displayed in bold plain cream text, on the juicy berry red top border of an LED billboard. The actual LED board itself reads “WELCOME ALL TIGERS!!!” in large, bright, orangish-yellow text. Then it disappears, and instead it reads “COME TO THE DANCE! SUPPORT YOUR SCHOOL! DRIVE SAFELY!” Then that disappears, and the face of what looks like a tiger is displayed. It all seems so wonderfully grand, yet also so incredibly intimidating.
Various students are heading towards the school building. Some who came here on their own by car, bike, walking, etc. Others who walk to school together in weird packs. One group passing by quickly catches my attention as I can pick up on their conversation.
A nice-looking guy in a soft grey sweatshirt: “I can’t believe we’re finally starting our senior year! This is gonna be LIT!”
A guy in a green plaid shirt: “I know! AP Calculus is gonna be epic!”
A bubbly-looking girl in a pretty purple top: “And homecoming is just around the corner. Speaking of which, I’d better find a date!”
A preppy-looking girl in a lovely velvet red dress: “Yeah. I’m not buying it. Knowing you, you’ve got a list of dates all ready to go.”
The purple girl: “A lady never tells…”
For a moment, an aura of warmth and excitement surrounds me as they pass by. They all seem so cool…
But… they’re obviously all good friends already. It’s not like I can just run up to them and say “Hi, I’m Evie, and I just moved here. Be my friend!”
I mean… they seem nice. But I also feel like if I try to be friends with them, I’m gonna be… I don’t know… intruding in their group or something. Oh, especially since they’re seniors. Even if they are nice and friendly to me, I think I’d still be the odd one out.
Oh well. I should be focusing on finding my class anyways. I should have better luck meeting people there anyways.
From my pants pocket, I pull out and unfold my map of the school— decorated all over with rainbow-colored felt pens marking out where each of my classrooms are and how to get from one to the next. The first class is in room 225B: English 10 with D Maddox, colored in and path lined out with red felt pen. It’s somewhere on the second floor, not too far from the elevator.
I follow the crowds of students into the school building, passing through the swarm of noisy chattering kids as I try to follow my map and find the elevator.
But unfortunately, to no avail. Am I following it wrong? Is the crowd of kids messing me up? Did I mis-count a door? UGGGGHHHH.
I soon find myself in a very nice, quaint little interior courtyard with trees, red picnic tables, and tiled floor. What a very polished and neat little space! Cozy and peaceful, but not too cramped– much nicer than the dinky little locker hall courtyards at Pine Peaks. I’ll have to remember to find this place again…
Across the courtyard, a statue of a tiger catches my eye. The metal is dull like stone, the color of faded bronze, the surface scratched all over— yet it stands majestic and powerful nonetheless, appearing to be striding with… self-confidence? Noooo, that’s not the right term. Like it knows it owns the place? Like it knows it’s powerful? No, none of those descriptions seemed right… maybe like it—
“Hey, you must be new! I love your look!” says a friendly looking girl wearing a soft blue cardigan and a camera hanging from her neck, who is approaching me and waving. “Can I take a photo of you next to the Tiger statue? It’s for the yearbook.”
“I… uh… I guess so!”
Yeah… was not expecting that to happen so soon. But I’m not complaining, haha. Nothing wrong with a quick photo.
I stand casually in front of the Tiger Statue, and put on a simple grin. Nothing fancy, nothing slouchy. Just casual happy should do for this. Friendly Photo Girl stands across from me and snaps the picture with her camera.
“Awesome. This is going to look perfect in the yearbook!” she says, looking at the photo on her camera screen. “Bye for now.”
Shit. Class is starting soon, and I’m nowhere near finding the way to my classroom. But if I just asked her for help… Say something, Evie! Don’t just let her walk away—
She walks away.
Come on, Evie! This isn’t like you! You’ve been the new kid at school before! This should be no big deal! How hard is it to just ask someone for directions!?
I check my phone. 8:51. I still have time, but at the rate I’m going I’m almost certainly gonna be late! I check my map again, but immediately freeze in place trying to orient myself on it. I can already feel my heart pounding, some small tears forming in my eyes. Oh God it’s gonna happen again—
“Hey… you okay?” says a soft, kind voice from behind. “You look a little like a deer in the headlights.”
I turn around to see a girl with long blonde hair smiling warmly at me.
“Oh, hey there!” I snap out of my panic and casually try to wipe away what little of my tears got out of my eyes. Thank God someone’s here to help me… wait shit that response was too blunt wasn’t it? Say something else! Say something else!!!
“Are you hitting on me?”
The friendly girl’s eyes widen, and she suddenly backs away a little bit. “What? No… I… I wouldn’t do that!” Her face turns deep crimson. I feel my own cheeks sizzling, and my heart drops like a stone. Evie, what the fuck were you thinking? Or better yet, were you even thinking, you stupid bi—
Okay, keep it cool…
“Aw, sorry. I take it back,” I say, frowning apologetically. “I wasn’t trying to embarrass you, I swear.”
Her face softens. “I just thought maybe you were lost.” Then, she grins at me again. “Anyways, I was wondering if maybe you could use a friend.”
I give a tentative smile, feeling a massive wave of relief through my chest. “Heh. I guess I could. This place is like 50% amazing, 50% overwhelming. I don’t even know where my homeroom is. 225B? How many rooms does this school have?”
“Wait… that’s my homeroom too!” She reaches her arm out, holding out her hand to me. “Come with me. Wouldn’t want you to be late on your first day!”
I take Nice Friendly Girl’s hand, her hold both soft and firm, and she leads me through the maze of bustling school hallways. And finally, I get to the elevator I was looking for.
As the elevator starts taking us up, I turn to her. “What’s your name, by the way?”
“Emma! What about yours?”
“Evie! Nice to meet you, Emma.” I start to lift my arm up to offer a handshake… no, that feels a bit too formal. I put my arm back down.
“Nice to meet you too, Evie!”
I always found Emma to be a nice name. I don’t know why, maybe because of LEGO Friends… I don’t know, it’s just a really pretty name. Also, I love her shirt with the small black-and-white stripes. We almost match!
The elevator stops at the second floor. We come out, and Emma gestures to two doors up on the right side of the hallway. “Here it is!”
And just after the ring of the warning bell. Thank. Fuck.
Once we enter, I scan the classroom, and see that most of the seats have been taken. One more seat goes as a girl in a dark purple? pink? cardigan slides into a chair. “Yay! I got my favorite chair.”
All that’s left are a few front seats and two back seats. Those aren’t exactly bad picks, and hey, it’s better than being late… but personally I prefer a little more variety.
Emma: “Let’s grab those ones at the ba—”
But right then, a punk-looking girl with inky blue hair flops herself into one of the back seats and turns to us.
“You snooze you loose,” she sneers. “This one’s mine. And that one is Michael’s.”
Before I could ask her who Michael is, a tall brunette guy following her tries to head to the back seats, and next thing I know I get bumped in the side.
“Hey!” I stumble for a moment, but once I regain my footing, he turns towards me and holy fuck is he gorgeous. Handsome face, hair combed back in just the right way, thighs for days… I’m stunned~
And just then, he grins slyly at me. “Like what you see?”
My heart skips a beat. Holy fuck what. “I wasn’t…” I mean, I kinda was. But not intentionally…?
“No worries.” Phew. “Sorry I bumped into you. Just trying to get to my seat.”
You have got to be kidding me. The audacity of this hot bitch. Your seat? Excuse me? This is clearly a free seating situation! “I didn’t see your name on it.” But… maybe you could sit in my lap instead, hot stuff.
“Are you sure about that?”
He gestures towards the seat, which has “MICHAEL” carved into it with a knife, big and bold.
Well then.
“Touche.” I shrug and turn back to Emma while Hot Michael slides into his seat. “Looks like it’s the front row for us.”
“I… I can’t sit there!”
“Don’t worry. It’s not so bad… I mean, sure, you might get called on a little more often.”
“It’s not that. It’s just… I can’t sit next to Caleb.”
I glance over to the area with the empty front seats, where a guy with a huge, bright smile is chatting with what seems to be his friends sitting nearby.
“Oh, that guy?” I take him in… what’s Emma worried about? He seems fine. “He’s…” Wait what if that’s not what she meant? A small “…meh,” slips from my mouth. Uhm. I hope that didn’t sound weird…
Emma’s cheeks turn pale red. “Oh… I just meant… I mean… I think he’s—.”
“Oh… you mean… you like him?”
Emma’s face goes pale. “Not so loud!”
I cover my mouth and quickly glance around. Luckily no one seems to have even noticed us.
Emma frowns and lowers her voice. “Caleb is… out of my league. He’s the school’s star wide receiver.” Heheh. “And super nice. And funny. And handsome…”
“So, golden boy football god. Got it.”
“Just… you take the seat next to him, okay? Give me a buffer.”
Okay. Sounds like no big deal. Though… I’d probably be elated to sit next to the guy I had a crush on. We head over to the seats and sit down, with me between Caleb and Emma. Caleb turns to me, beaming.
“You must be new! Welcome to Berry High. I’m Caleb.”
He seems friendly! And cute! And, I’m not gonna lie… I feel like him and Emma would be cute together as a couple.
“Hi Caleb… I’m Evie.”
“Really? I have a fish named Evie!”
No way! I giggle, “Sounds like we’re destined to be friends.”
“You can tell already, huh?”
“I’ve got a sixth sense about these things.”
“Cool. Maybe you can read my fortune next time.”
“What do you want to know?”
“I guess I’m curious. Do you think I’ll end up together with my girlfriend, Zoe? Like… forever?”
Oh shit. “Girlfriend? I didn’t realize that you—“
Someone groans from behind. I turn around to see a guy with a smug face looking up from his phone.
“Bro, are you still talking about Zoe? You are way too hung up on that chick. I mean, yeah. She’s hot. Like, super hot. But you talk about her like she’s your wife or something. And wives are just… boring.”
Okayyyyyy. Gives douchebag vibes already. What’s his deal?
Caleb: “Buddy, one day you’ll fall in love. And you’ll realize that boring can be the greatest thing in the world.”
The smug possibly douchebag guy: “You sound like my mom. And she’s the uncoolest person I know.”
A soft “Wow…” slips from my mouth…
And next thing I know, the guy turns towards me, glowering.
“You got something you wanted to say to me?”
“I just wanted to ask…” my heart begins thumping. I start to tense up a bit. My stomach begins turning. I don’t know what the hell is up with this guy, and to be honest… I’m not sure I want to deal with it right now. “…er, nothing?”
He grins widely, smugly. “That’s what I thought. You know, I’m a big fan of people who know when to keep their fuckin’ mouths shut. You should totally come to my party tonight.”
“Uh, what?” Seriously. Just. What. Like, hold the fuck up. What. WHAT. Did I mishear…?
“All the best people will be there, trust me.”
Um, okay??? I did not mishear, then…? That’s cool and all, but… WHAT.
“And… not to state the obvious here, but, uh, leave your little sidekick at home.” He gestures his head towards Emma, whose face instantly starts to scrunch. Oh, I already don’t like where this is going. Her bottom lip quivers, and he grins like an absolute smug piece of shit. “Sorry to have to do that, but, you know. Standards.”
Oh hell no. Forget “Possibly douchebag”. He is full-on douche!
Emma’s face contorts into a pout, her eyes becoming glassy. “Right… of course…”
She stands up from her seat and slowly heads for the door… but just then, our teacher Ms. Maddox arrives in the classroom.
“In case you didn’t notice, Emma, class is about to start.”
“I… I’ll be back in a minute…” Emma says meekly, before dashing out of the classroom. Ms. Maddox’s jaw falls open.
Smug Douchebag guffaws, laughing like a smug douchebag would laugh. “That. Was. Fuckin’. Hilarious. Please tell me someone got that on video!”
Caleb scowls at him. “You don’t have to be such a jerk all the time, you know.”
“Dude… come on. It was funny.”
How… how the fuck is that funny? Making someone suffer because funny would be, like, surprising someone with a gift box that has a spring-loaded lemon meringue cream pie inside splutting them in the face! You told a girl she wasn’t invited to your party because of some stupid “standards” and thus made her run out crying. How is that in the slightest possible way funny in any stretch of imagination and logic???
I feel my heartbeat rising, pounding against my throat. I glower at Smug Douchebag out of the corner of my eye. I so want to say like a “what the hell” to him. Give him a piece of my mind. I bet I could do that without too many people getting pissy at me…
But then Ms. Maddox meets my eye, and before I can even open my mouth at Brian, she drops something on my desk. I look down and see a small cheese-yellow hall pass slip with her signature on it. She leans over and mutters “Seems like maybe someone should go check on her…”
Wow, the teacher is actually letting me just leave class like that? She’s letting me just leave class like that? Hmm… I don’t see why I should pass that up, especially since it’s to help someone out. A friend, to be exact. Yeah, I think Emma can qualify as a friend as of now.
“Thanks… I’m going after Emma!” I guess start of class probably isn’t the time to have a go at Smug Douchebag, anyways. I take the pass and stand up, heading towards the door.
“Thanks for going. Try to make it fast, okay?”
I give her a nod, before leaving the room.
I speed-walk through the hall where I see Emma going into the girls’ bathroom.
“Emma, wait…” I call, softly.
I follow her into the bathroom, where she’s leaning over the sink and crying loudly through little gasps and sniffles. I can already feel my heart start to crumble, I feel the urge to just pull her into a hug right then and there.
“Emma! Are you okay?”
She turns towards me with a tear-stricken face. “Evie? What are you doing here?”
“Uh, maybe checking in on my only friend at this whole school?”
“It’s okay… you should go. I’ll be fine.”
My face hardens. No way. You helped me. I help you. You are already a friend to me. “I’m not going anywhere.”
“I…” Emma’s face softens. “Thanks.” She grabs some paper towel and cleans up her tears, and for a moment, calmness settles across her face… but then it scrunches again. “But you still shouldn’t have followed me. You’ve still got a chance to be someone at this school… to actually have a life.”
What??? Wow, okay, high praise coming from someone who’s known me for all of 10 minutes. Namely, the fact that I was frozen in place and on the verge of tears when you first saw me. What makes me more special? What gives me “more of a chance”? When we first met you saw me frozen and lost and close to tears. But right now I’m wondering if you’ve actually met me.
…but… I don’t wanna make this about me. I’m not the one who was treated like shit in front of the whole class by Smug Douchebag… somehow. “I don’t get it. There’s nothing wrong with you, as far as I can see.”
“Don’t you get it? It’s always been this way… I’m on the outside looking in. I spent all of last year working on homework, reading trashy YA novels, and doodling pictures of Caleb in my notebook. I’ve never even been to a party.”
Well I prefer to mock the trashy gender-stereotypey romance novels and I can’t draw my crush without feeling really weird and awkward about it but other than that, we’re pretty much in the same boat. I haven’t exactly been one to get invited to High School Parties or be very social last year, either. Heck, did the kids at Pine Peaks even have High School Parties? If they did I definitely wouldn’t have known…
“I’ve always told myself that it’s by choice… that I wouldn’t even want to go to one. But when Brian said that… I knew I’d been lying to myself.” Her lip trembles, and a tear starts to fall down her face.
“Fuck what that dickhead says. Trust me, Brian just sucks in general.”
Emma smiles weakly. “Heh. It’s nice to hear someone say that out loud. Most people are too afraid to stand up to him.”
I mean, I don’t think I’m exactly brave enough to stand up to him either. But it doesn’t take a genius to see he’s a complete and total dickweed.
Emma lets out a long, deep sigh. “Sorry, I’m just tired… tired of feeling like a loser.”
“Well, if you think you’re a loser… then let’s be losers together!”
Emma scrunches her eyebrows in confusion.
“I mean, it sounds like you’ve been a lone wolf for a while now… but that’s over now. There’s two of us. And that means we’re a pack.”
“You really think so?”
“I know so. Stick with me. Your life is about to get a whole lot better.”
Emma looks at me, her face softening… but then flattening quizzically. “One last thing… why are you doing this for me?”
Seriously? I mean, with all due respect, seriously? I… shouldn’t even have to explain this one. “It’s because… I think you’re sweet.”
Emma beams broadly. “You’re sweet!” She reaches out and pulls me in for a tight, warm hug. I squeeze her back tightly, feeling a sense of… warmth, security. I feel my heartbeat slowly rise with nervousness. I don’t want to let go too early or too late.
But just at that moment, the bathroom door opens.
“Whoops!” says a kinda pretty girl with short hair. “I, uh, hope I’m not interrupting anything!”
My face stiffens a bit. Girl, it’s just a hug. Go awayyy.
Emma has an almost mortified look. “What? Oh… oh no! We were just…”
“Heading back to class.” I say with a straight face, trying my hardest to not seem annoyed or embarrassed. I think she gets the right idea now, but… still. It was just a hug.
...
As Emma and I walk back to class, I can’t help but think… to be honest? I’m tired of feeling like a loser too.
Yeah. I really am tired of it, and something’s gotta change.
I don’t need to be, like, The Most Popular Girl In School or anything, that’s for sure. But I would like to at least not be ignored or seen as an annoyance all the damn time. Maybe every once in a while, I’d like to be seen as Actually Important and Cool and Awesome. Or something other than some weird kid who likes "stupid" things and just gets in the way and isn’t Serious or Important. I don’t want to be the kid who almost always gets chosen last in phys-ed teams, or gets left out of group project discussions just because I didn't (yet) have FaceSpace Messenger because what the fuck is wrong with regular phone-number texting, or gets told by EVERYONE in her class project group that a small quick and harmless design detail she wants to add to something on the poster is "not needed”, or to be frequently told I’m being "annoying" a lot of the time I’m expressive or excited with others. Or to be called “bossy” almost ANY goddamn time I want to decide what game me and my friends play. Or to be berated for fucking screaming as a reaction when someone ELSE startled ME by THEM SNEEZING WHILE BEHIND ME—
“You actually came back,” says Ms. Maddox. “Great. Take a seat.”
I’m tempted to ask for an extra toilet break so I could wander a bit more, but Ms. Maddox would probably get a bit concerned. And besides, this is the first class on the first day.
Emma and I sit in our seats. I try to avoid even sneaking a glance at Brian. Don’t need to start more shit, especially not when class is in session.
“Now… where were we…” Ms. Maddox seems to resume going over the class syllabus. I try to listen in, but my mind wanders back to when I was walking through the hallways.
Whatever, I can always read the syllabus later, I’m not missing anything. In that case, I might as well just take an extra toilet break… but yeah, Ms. Maddox would get concerned.
So yeah, why do other people have such a goddamn problem with me? And that’s not to say I haven’t pushed boundaries a few times, cause I have done some… actually stupid shit. There are times where I have acted actually bossy, insisting with my 4th-5th grade friend group that we play the game I wanted or that I always got to play the character I wanted. Or was actually a bit too excessive when expressing my crush on someone, did I really need to draw “Evie & Cal” or “Evie & Randy” hearts all over my journal pages right in front of them for them to see? Or the new girl in 6th grade Karina who was even “weirder” than me that for some reason I decided I had to act embarrassed about hanging out with and somehow she and I still ended up being close friends (and somehow I faced less bullshit for that than I did for adding more details to a small drawing of a cobblestone road for a group project poster).
And that’s not to say people have never liked me or been nice to me. I’ve made my share of friends, I could get along and be friendly with those kids sometimes. I’ve been able to impress them by being one of the fastest kids in phys-ed, or having all the answers for every question in the science test prep quiz games. I freaking loved when that happened.
But… I don’t know… it didn’t make the bullshit go away. I think it just kind of lessened the number of bullshit moments, probably.
I don’t need to have everyone love me or whatever. But would it kill for people to just not have such a goddamn PROBLEM with me when I even so much as walk one inch the wrong way???
I let out a soft sigh as my mind feels a little more cleared up. My ears stop fuzzing out the voice of Ms. Maddox, and I begin reading along with the syllabus as she goes through it.
And strangely, the dull dribble of class syllabus discussion comes as further relief to my brain.
At 9:45, the bell rings and my first class at Berry High ends. Luckily, my next class, Algebra Honors with T Thompson in Room 123, isn’t too far away. It’s close by to the first floor elevators (and where my locker, #026, is supposed to be)— I remember noticing it just before we arrived at the elevators. I barely even had to use my blue felt pen other than to color in the classroom.
But as I start to make my way, the hot guy who bumped into me— Michael, right?— suddenly runs after me.
“Hey… I just wanted to say. That was pretty cool of you.”
I turn to face him, cocking my head to the side a bit.
“You didn’t have to go after her like that,” he continues. “I wouldn’t have.”
I stare blankly, raising an eyebrow. “Uh… thanks?”
He chuckles and gives a somewhat lopsided grin. “Sorry, I’m not used to giving compliments. Bad upbringing, you know?”
“Actually… you don’t seem so bad to me.”
“Heh. That just shows how little you know about me. But thanks… even if you don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.”
Yeah, maybe I don’t.
I mean, I’m not sure what to make of this hot guy. Other than that weird business with the seat in class, he didn’t really seem like a total shithead? I mean, he must have some degree of heart if he’s telling me how cool it was for me to go after Emma. Even if he insists that he wouldn’t have done it.
But whatever. I just wanna get to my next class.
3 more classes. Algebra Honors with T Thompson. World History with R Pendelton, colored in yellow. And Creative Writing with S Robinson, colored in purple. Thankfully, they’re all fairly close to each other on the map. They go pretty alright, I guess. I mean, they seem like they might be pretty good, especially Creative Writing, just that all the syllabus review junk is getting incredibly boring again. Except in Creative Writing. The icebreaker games are sometimes fun, though. When they’re not asking for too many details.
After that, is a brief welcome assembly in the gym. Emma’s in my Creative Writing class, so we head down to the gym together and sit next to each other.
Suddenly, an upbeat fanfare plays, and a woman in a sunshiney yellow blouse runs in with an equally sunshiney smile.
“Welcome, children, to your first day of school!” She pauses, her massive smile dropping suddenly. “Er… I mean, not your first day of school ever. Sorry! I’ve just moved here from Berry Elementary School, so this is a new environment for me.”
I’m not gonna lie, she seems really sweet. I kinda like her already.
She begins to gaze across the crowd, looking aghast. “Wow. You are all so big!”
With a panic-stricken face, she continues to scan the crowd, and then… oh fuck is she staring at me??? Is she gonna pick on me for something??? Will I have to say something??? My heart tightens in my chest, my eyes widen, my jaw falls open. I try to say something, because it feels like I’ve been prompted to say something, but nothing comes out. Verbal constipation. I quickly try to avert my eyes… but it’s too late, because she seems to have become even more tense upon seeing my face.
“I… I… No one ever said high schoolers would be so unpredictable.”
Dammit dammit dammit dammit–
“You got this, Principal Hughs!” Caleb(?) shouts from nearby in the crowd. “Tell us what you want to say.”
Principal Hughs takes a deep breath and relaxes. Her warm, wide grin returns.
“Ah. That’s better. Now what was I saying?” She inhales deeply. “I may be new… but you were all new to this place once. And that’s the wonderful thing about a fresh start. You get to be anybody you want to be.”
My chest slowly relaxes, and I release my breath. She makes a very good point…
“So… welcome to kindergar— er, I mean, high school!”
I giggle a little.
“That was… actually kind of sweet,” Emma says.
“Yeah… now I feel kind of bad for making a face at her.”
“Don’t worry. It looks like no harm done. And the fact that you regret it means you’re not totally evil.”
I give a small smirk. “If you say so.”
Finally, lunchtime. I have been freaking waiting to eat my creamy leftover mac-n-cheese fresh and warm from the purple thermos with the collapsable spoon!
But as we leave the gym, a serious-looking kinda pretty girl with short hair and carrying a notebook runs up to us.
Emma: “Eek!”
Me: “Oh… hello there.”
I take a moment to take her in. It’s the same girl from the bathroom, it looks like. And now that I get a better look at her… she’s kinda cute. With a splendid chest too. And cute heart buttons on her dress!!! I lowkey want it, kinda.
“Sorry to startle you! As your school president, and chair of the Homecoming Planning Committee, I’m here to ask a few survey questions… Wait, were you the ones in the bathroom earlier?”
She shakes her head before either of us can answer. “Never mind. Not my business. Back to the survey. First question… are you currently planning to attend the Homecoming Dance?”
“Homecoming?” Umm… weird question to ask on the first day of school. But okay. “Uh… I’ll think about it.”
She narrows her eyes at me, almost glaring. “That doesn’t answer my question. Is it yes or no?”
My face strains and I try to suppress a wince. You really think I’ve figured that out already? “It’s a ‘maybe’.”
She scowls even more, her voice becoming… loud. Sharp. “How am I supposed to plan a dance if everyone at this school might come to it? Should I buy ten gallons of punch or fifty? A single bag of Doritos or a thousand?”
Emma frowns. “Probably not a thousand…”
“It was a rhetorical question!”
“Sorry…”
“Forget it. I’ve wasted enough time talking with you already.”
She storms off, and I quietly exhale in relief.
“That girl seemed stressed.” Emma says.
“Yeah,” I give a small chuckle. “Or maybe just hangry. You know. Hungry plus angry?” I mean, she’s clearly very serious and prissy, but she doesn’t come off as like, a horrid bitch? But lord knows I will if I don’t get to eat my Mac-n-Cheese soon. “Speaking of which… lunchtime. Let’s go!”
Finally, lunchtime. For real this time. I want my damn Mac-n-Cheese. I cannot WAIT to open up my thermos and devour that good shit.
Emma and I enter into the noisy, bustling, almost crowded cafeteria. The mixed smells of the various lunch options wafts through the air… fresh and rich and savory and juicy, yet with at least a 50% chance it’s gonna be something I actually can’t stand eating. Not that it matters today, but still.
We meander around the tables, trying to scan them to find an empty seat, but only a few tables seem to have open seats. The chatter of students surrounds us everywhere we go, a sea of humanity that almost drowns out my ability to hear myself think.
We pick up on a few tables here and there. I can barely make out the conversations, but they way they’re talking, angled and leaning towards each other at each table… they all seem so close with each other. Like they’re all in their own clubs. Oh, this is gonna be just like in movies like Mean Girls isn’t it? Everyone’s in their own little cliques at their own tables, each one is either too full or not welcome to Emma and me, and with just our luck we’ll have to eat on the toilets or on the floor near the trash bins...
…Okay, maybe not that extreme. But I’m not getting the feeling we can just go “Hi, we need somewhere to sit and eat! Can we sit with you guys today?” to a lot of these groups.
As we make it to the far end of the cafeteria, I instantly recognize Caleb, Smug Douchebag, and… I think it’s that nice-looking guy in the soft grey sweatshirt I saw when I first got to school. He’s actually kind of hot, now that I’m getting a better look at him.
“I’m serious, Caleb,” says Kinda Hot Guy In Soft Grey Sweatshirt. “Keep working at it, and I honestly think you’ll be the best player this school has ever seen.”
“That means a lot coming from you, man. You’re like a football god around here.”
Smug Douchebag (Brian, right?) scowls and crosses his arms. “Uh, aren’t you forgetting about someone, Julian?”
“Don’t get me wrong, Brian,” replies the kinda hot guy, Julian. “You’re a great QB. But no one matches Caleb’s work ethic.”
“I could out-hustle both of you any day!”
I roll my eyes. I catch Emma discreetly slipping behind me. I make sure to stay in front, but also back away from the table a little as we walk past.
As we near back to the cafeteria entrance, close by there’s another group of kids– none of which I recognize– who seem to be finishing their lunches. A very distinguished and serious-looking guy in a dark sweater, a tall guy who looks like he might be a rockstar, and a short girl in a purple sweater.
Distinguished Serious Guy: “I’ve got a few songs we might want to consider for the next halftime show… There’s ‘The Wonderful Widow of Eighteen Springs’ by John Cage… or how about ‘The Gadfly Suite’ by Shostakovich?”
Rockstar Guy: “Those sound pretty obscure.”
Distinguished Serious Guy: “You haven’t even listened to them yet!”
Rockstar Guy: “Exactly. If I don’t recognize them, no one else will either.”
Also standing nearby is a group of girls. I think I recognize all of them— the bubbly purple girl and preppy red girl from before school started, and the dark purple-pink cardigan girl from homeroom.
Bubbly Purple Girl: “Let’s eat quick so we can head out to the field and practice our routine!”
Dark Purple-Pink Cardigan Girl: “Ooh! Can I do the aerials this time?”
Preppy Red Girl, narrowing her eyes a little: “We’ll see…”
My God, it’s almost exactly like in Mean Girls! We’ve got our JV Jocks, or most likely Varsity Jocks, probably. We’ve got our, um, Sexually Active(?) Band Geeks? I can’t say for sure on “sexually active”, but they’re definitely Band Geeks. And we’ve got the, uh, Cheerleaders. I don’t think Janis Ian mentioned a cheerleaders table in the movie, but they probably would have had a table there, and either way they definitely do here. They could also be The Plastics, but… they don’t quite seem like that.
“So many people!” Emma gasps. “I might need to take a little ‘me’ time, but you should totally get to know some of them. This is your big chance to make a first impression. Go for it.”
Yeah, just leave me here alone, sure. Then again, maybe I’m not one to complain. I’ve fucked off for alone time before. And… you do make a fair point about me meeting other people. But can’t you at least be with me? We can both make new friends, together…
Well, now, I have half a mind to follow Emma, or at least find somewhere else to eat my lunch alone. Maybe that nice courtyard with the Tiger Statue. But…
I scan between my options. The Cheerleaders don’t seem outright bad, but I really don’t give a fuck about cheerleading, and I don’t think I’m cut out to sit with that sort of crowd anyways. The Band Kids seem kind of interesting, especially Distinguished Serious Guy, but I don’t care about music-playing either. Both of those groups are gonna be all nonsense talk to me and I’d just be sitting there doing nothing. …Being nothing. What would be the point?
I’ll obviously feel more at home with the Jocks, as I do have a bit of experience with football. Only problem is, I’m not so sure about sitting with Brian the Douche. Sure, he invited me to his party, but he’s still a douche. He could turn against me at any moment for whatever reason… especially including that I like to play football as a girl. I sort of stand out like a sore thumb from them in that regard.
Then again, Caleb is there. And he’s nice. I don’t get why he hangs out with Brian, but he’s kind to me, and he seems to have some degree of moral compass. I still know next to nothing about that hot guy in the soft grey sweater— Julian, I think his name was— I hope he’s not a douchebag like Brian. He looks nice, but he could very well be a dick too, you never know.
But hey… even if he is a dick and he and Brian are ganging up on me for whatever reason, I think I’ll at least have Caleb on my side. And then maybe I won’t look like a stupid invader for trying to join the jocks.
Yeah… maybe I should actually try to make friends with other people, even if Emma’s not here with me. Jocks it is.
I take a deep breath and head up to their table, planning to greet them with something neutral yet still friendly. Enthusiastic yet normal.
Me: “Hey guys!”
Caleb: “You okay Julian? You seem a little distracted.”
My heart pounds against my throat like a rock. I… guess they’re in the middle of a different conversation but… still.
I notice Julian is staring across the cafeteria, looking forlorn as he watches… presumably, this couple sharing pasta. I recognize the girl in the couple– it’s the nice girl who took my photo with the Tiger statue. I don’t recognize the guy in the sweater hoodie though.
“Heh. You’ve got a little something on your lip. Let me get that off,” says the sweater hoodie guy, before leaning in to kiss Friendly Photo Girl.
“Heh. I’ve got a napkin, you know.”
Julian lets out a heavy sigh.
“Heh. Stalk much?” Brian snorts. “Oh wait. You and Autumn were kind of like… a thing last year, right?”
“Yeah. You could say that,” replies Julian glumly.
“Forget about her, dude. She’s like a seven out of ten. And there are a ton of freshman hotties running around here.”
Uhhhhh…
Julian stiffens and turns to Brian. “Brian, I know that you’re trying to be on my side,” He hits Brian with a fierce, hardened glare. “But if you ever talk that way about Autumn again, I’m gonna fucking wreck you.”
Brian shudders. “Whatever you say, Big J!”
I chuckle to myself. Hell yeah, get his ass Julian.
“Uh… maybe we should talk about something else.” Caleb meets my eyes with a pleading look on his face. God, what is with people prompting me to say things today? Then again, actually, I think it’s pretty obvious what we could talk about instead!
“Yeah! Let’s talk about football!”
“Right on,” says Caleb. “Are you thinking of joining the team?”
My heart jumps. “Whoa. I was more like, asking if you guys are Niners fans.” I mean, it’s not that I wasn’t expecting to talk about our own football team, but—
Julian: “A: Hell yeah. Go Niners. B: Caleb has a good point. You should try out for the team.”.
Caleb: “Right on! Let’s head down to the track and Evie can show us some moves.”
You… can’t be serious. You want me to show you guys some football moves?
Julian: “You look fast… maybe we should start with a little race.”
Fast…? Race? Heh, okay, now we’re going somewhere.
Brian scoffs. “…I know for a fact that I can outrun all of you.”
Julian: “Oh, I would love to see that.”
Caleb: “Sounds like we’d better take this to the field… What do you say, Evie? You want in?”
Me: “Are you sure you want me to come?”
Caleb: “Hell yeah, Evie! Let’s see what you’ve got.”
Brian, snorting: “Oh yeah. That’d be hilarious.”
My heart pounds. I mean, I do have good football experience. And I am pretty damn good at running, of course. But I’ve never been on a proper team before. The intra-school football tournament in middle school was one thing. But I was never sure if official high school football teams allowed girls to join. I think Dad said some teams allowed it, since there usually weren’t enough for a girls’ team… but what if my school didn’t allow it, and I looked stupid for asking? And even if they did, how could I know that the other guys on the team wouldn’t just single me out?
I expected Caleb to be nice, and I’m so relieved Julian is kind too. But this is… quite the quick suggestion they’re making.
Well… at least we’re starting with a race. That sounds pretty fun and simple, and a bit more up my alley. It’s probably worth a try.
“Alright… let’s do it!”
My heart is still pounding as we head towards the football field, all of us stretching as we walk. I mean, I know I’m very good at running. I have been ever since 7th grade. Although, most kids in PE weren’t that serious about the running exercises… I didn’t exactly have a lot in the way of real competition, as satisfying as it felt to be one of the first to finish. So it sort of makes sense that when I actually joined the cross-country and track teams last year, I had a lot of trouble keeping up with the rest of the runners at my first practice. Lord knows if I can keep up with star football players.
But hey… I did get better at running while on those teams. And it’s no big deal if I don’t win this, right? I’ve been through this before, with my first cross-country practice. Plus, again, these guys are friendly. Except for Brian’s douchebag ass. But Caleb and Julian seem like they’ll be nice to me about it. They already encouraged me to try out.
As we all line up at the fifty-yard line and I take a dose from my asthma inhaler, I figure… whatever. I’m gonna try my best. Even if I don’t win this, I’m gonna absolutely show off my skills and be a total badass runner. Just as I’ve always done. That ought to impress them.
“I can’t believe I’m racing a chick. This is embarrassing,” Brian huffs. I snort and roll my eyes.
Caleb: “You sure you’re not just worried you’ll lose?”
Julian: “Less talking. More racing. Let’s do this.”
I shoot Caleb a quick smile as we get into position.
Brian: “Okay on the count of three. One… two…”
Right at that moment, Brian takes off running!
Caleb: “Hey, no fair!”
Brian: “Don’t blame me if you got a slow start!”
The rest of us run after Brian. I pick up speed gradually, pumping my arms back-and-forth, don’t just let them flail around, just like we learned in cross-country and track practice. My heart thumps with every step I take. And soon…
Julian: “Wow, you are fast!”
My smile grows, and so does my confidence. I keep going, picking up more and more speed, taking larger strides… larger harder faster harder faster larger… and next thing I know…
Caleb: “Great job!”
The end is near and Brian is just up ahead. I’ll be lucky if I can beat him but I’m doing great so far. Zeroing in on the finish line I pump faster faster faster fasterfasterfasterfaster sprinting with all my might just like I always did and holy shit-!!!?
I lean over, panting heavily, catching my breath. My head is spinning. Did I really just beat all of them? No way…
I get myself back up and turn back towards the group. Holyshitholyshitholyshit. Caleb and Julian have just caught up and are catching their breaths as well. They pass Brian, who is frozen in place while panting.
“No way. This can’t be happening!” As he pants, Brian stares into the distance looking… horrified. “We… we got beaten by a girl.”
I pull the corners of my lips down, trying to suppress a grin. But I can’t help but laugh to myself a little. Suck it, dickface!
“Fair and square,” Caleb replies bluntly. “You know, Evie, you should really try out for the team.”
“Really?!” My heart, still racing, burst into flutters.
“If you’ve got the speed… who cares if you’re a guy or a girl.”
Julian: “He’s right. You could really help us out.”
I let go of the squeeze on my lips and smile a little bit. A lot.
Brian: “Yeah… until she gets leveled by some linebacker and leaves the field crying.”
Oh fuck no. I snap towards him with a sharp glare. “The only one crying around here is you.” He doesn’t move an inch. I quickly turn back to Julian and Caleb and take a deep breath. “Anyways, when you put it that way… I’ll think about it.”
“Of course. Take your time… tryouts aren’t until next week,” Caleb replies. “See you around, okay?”
“You can count on it.”
We all leave the field and go our separate ways. While I’m walking, I grab the nearest bench and take out my thermos from my backpack. I unscrew the lids, remove and unfold the collapsible spoon… and finally, I could eat my creamy Mac-n-Cheese, freshly warm from the thermos.
And let me tell you, today’s was one of the bests it had ever tasted.
My last two classes. Chemistry Honors with F Rodriguez, marked in green. And Phys-Ed with R Burke, marked in orange. Same business as usual, more or less, but… everything felt a little bit brighter this time around. R Burke is also the football coach, Coach Burke. He’s very sweet, and at the end of class, he even encouraged me to try out for the team– apparently, Julian told him about our race during his 5th period Phys-Ed. As of now, I’m certainly leaning very heavily on the “hell yes I’m joining” side.
At 3:00 PM, the final bell rang. The tension that was there in the morning was almost all gone now, but I could feel my eyelids getting a bit heavy. I gotta say, today was… surprisingly decent, arguably good even… but I could not have been more ready to just get home and relax for the rest of the day.
But just as I’m about to head off the campus, I notice Caleb and Emma chatting by the curb.
“…And I just wanted to say, I’m sorry about Brian,” says Caleb. “He’s got… a weird sense of humor.”
“Yeah… definitely,” Emma sighs.
Then Caleb turns towards me. “Same goes for you, Evie. I mean… he and I have been friends forever. But sometimes, it gets old, apologizing for him.”
You two, friends? “In that case, maybe you should get better friends.”
“He’s been my best bud since elementary school… I don’t agree with the way he acts sometimes, but I can’t just unfriend him. That’s not me.”
I sigh. “I guess loyalty counts for something.”
“To me, loyalty counts for everything.”
Just then, a white sports jeep pulls up to the curb. The driver— a girl in a pink crop top and her hair in a bun— exits from the driver’s side and throws her arms around Caleb, pressing a big smooch on his lips. Oh yeah… the girlfriend Caleb mentioned in first period.
Girlfriend: “There you are! Come on. You owe me an early dinner before we hit this party.”
Caleb: “I was just finishing a conversation with—“
Girlfriend: “Would you seriously rather sit around chatting with these two losers, instead of taking me on a date?” She glowers at him. “You promised me.”
Caleb, lowering his head: “I know. I know.”
Girlfriend: “Now come on! We’d better eat fast. I’m going to need at least an hour and a half to get ready for Brian’s party.”
Ah, shit. How could I forget about Brian’s party? Though, to be completely honest, I didn’t exactly have any plans to attend it.
“See you guys later…” Caleb gets into the jeep with her. The jeep pulls out and drives away.
Even if Brian wasn’t a douchebag, I am so not ready to attend a high school party. At least, not on my own…
Emma scowls. “Can you believe her?”
“I know! She’s so horrible! I can’t believe a nice guy like Caleb would date a girl like that.”
“Oh, I believe it. That’s always how it goes, right? Nice girls finish last.”
I wonder… since I was already invited… if I go to the party, maybe I could try and sneak Emma in there too...
It might be worth a try. If it’s a big party, we could probably blend into a crowd, Brian might not even give a shit…
I mean… I’m not gonna pretend I didn’t have even the slightest bit of curiosity about High School Parties. Who knows? This one could be fun. And a good way for us to meet people. Make new friends, or at least get on their good sides… We could help each other out, and both make new friends. And we could always fuck off if the party gets too shitty or uncomfortable. Or if Brian throws a tantrum about Emma being there or whatever.
“In that case… maybe you need to get a little bad.”
“What are you suggesting?”
Yeah. Let’s fucking do this.
“I’m saying who cares that you didn’t get invited to Brian’s party? You’re coming with me!”
Emma stares, almost stupefied at me.
And then, with a twinkle in her eye, she smiles… with what looks like determination.