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Shouta Aizawa had a headache, and it came in the form of a goggle-wearing, pink haired girl hanging from his ceiling through a vent.
“Hatsume, why are you dangling from the vents while my coworker and I are trying to enjoy our lunch breaks?” Aizawa groaned, gesturing to Present Mic, who sat beside him.
“Well because if I came to find you during your classes, you might make Power Loader revoke my lab privileges again!” Mei smiled back. “ Not that the locks have ever stopped me from getting in…”
“ What was that?” Aizawa glared for a second before giving up. “…Oh, never mind. Just tell us what you want so we can wrap this up.”
“Well, you know how your Erasure quirk lacks any offensive capabilities, making you completely useless in a real fight?”
Yamada’s eyebrows rose, watching this back and forth with wide eyes, Subway sandwich in hand.
“Child, I swear, if Nedzu didn’t make me sign that contract, I would dropkick you-”
“-So, I made you a custom baby! Quick, try it on!” Mei continued, oblivious to the teacher’s threats.
“If I do, will you leave me alone?” The man groaned.
“Only if you test them out first! I’ll let you borrow them for today, then I’ll make adjustments as I see fit based on your notes!”
“Alright, alright.” Aizawa agreed, taking a pair of what looked like shiny glasses from the girl. “But I am not taking notes. My homework days are behind me.”
Yamada snickered under his breath. “You mean your homework copying days? I seem to remember one time when you begged me to finish your English homework-”
“Oh, quiet down, you cockatoo.” Aizawa grumbled.
Mei pressed a button on a tiny handheld device, causing the pair of glasses to begin to glow with incandescent light. “Just put them on like normal glasses, and the red glow from your quirk should collect in the prisms, narrowing the wave particles into a centralized photoscopic ray which theoretically ought to have devastating effects on the material realm!”
“In a language I can speak, please.” Aizawa sighed, sliding the frames onto his face and narrowing his eyes to see through the kaleidoscope-y lenses.
“Not English, that’s for sure…” Yamada snickered.
“Your quirk makes light; and my baby will make that light a laser beam!” Mei explained patiently.
“Ex- cuse me?” Aizawa glared at Yamada, eyes aglow. He hadn’t heard Mei’s explanation that well, focusing instead on the comment his coworker had made. As such, It came to his utter surprise when two focused beams of bright, rainbow light shot out of his glasses, burning a hole right through Yamada’s hair.
“HEEEEEEEYY!” The blonde man screeched, grabbing at his tall stack of hair in utter horror.
“Oh, that’s it.” Aizawa tossed off the glasses in frustration. “I’m taking these off.”
“Uh-uh.” Mei waggled a finger at the teacher. “You promised to wear my babies all day, that was a legally binding contract.”
Aizawa scoffed. “Did you not just see me singe Yamada’s hair? I could take out someone’s eye! Besides, I didn’t sign anything.”
“Actually, young Hatsume is correct!” Nedzu chimed in, voice abruptly coming from the PA system. “A verbal contract is a contract nonetheless! I suppose you will just have to use the tools you have been given carefully!”
“You two set me up!” Aizawa growled, although he was donning the glasses, nonetheless.
“No, it’s just business!” Mei grinned before she flipped herself around and crawled away through the vents once more.
“I’ll need those notes by 8:00 at the latest!” The girl’s tinny voice rang out across the ventilation system as she left.
After he was sure that Mei had left, Aizawa turned to his husband. “Hey, I’m sorry about that. Are you hurt?”
“No…” Yamada sighed, looking forlorn. “But I’ll have to fix my hair and trim away the singed ends, so there’s no way I’ll have time to finish lunch with you.”
Aizawa tenderly kissed the man on his forehead. “Well then, I promise that I’ll be home for dinner, alright?”
Yamada grinned, returning Aizawa’s kiss. “It’s a deal! No take-backs!”
Aizawa just leaned over his pile of this morning’s ungraded homework from his students and began to jot down notes, jelly pouch in hand. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll have to take double hours on patrol over the weekend to make up for it though…”
Even his best glower couldn’t hide the faint smile that escaped his lips at his husband’s affection, however.
* 1 Minute Earlier *
Denki Kaminari rushed through the halls of UA, a handful of crumpled-up papers in hand.
“Aw, dangit I forgot my homework again! ” He said, approaching class 2-A’s door. “If I make it in time, maybe Aizawa will still take it!”
Denki arrived at the door, and silently he slid it open a crack. He had learned early on not to interrupt his teacher when he was in the middle of sleeping, grading, or eating, since those always made him cranky. The only way this would work was if Aizawa wasn’t doing anythin-”
A laser beam erupted from Aizawa’s eyes, a beam of light that glowed with every possible color on the spectrum, a rainbow of light that left stars in Denki’s eyes that glowed like a unicorn’s vomit.
Denki watched with bated breath as the beam of light appeared to hit Present Mic square in the head, then as his two teachers kissed not once, but twice just moments later!
The boy closed the door as silently as he could, sneaking away from the classroom. The homework in his hands was completely forgotten.
He needed to tell someone what just happened, someone smart enough to explain what he just witnessed, but also quiet enough not to spill the beans.
Someone like Todoroki .
* * *
“A Gay Laser.” Todoroki stated simply, analyzing the evidence on his hastily pieced together investigation board that he had sketched up in his notebook.
“What?” Denki asked, confused.
Todoroki sighed in exasperation. “Isn’t it obvious? Our teacher has a secondary quirk effect, one that he keeps hidden. Instead of erasing its subject’s quirk , it erases their straightness making them gay . This explains why Present Mic, who would ordinarily never kiss a coworker, would have locked lips with Aizawa.”
“I don’t know…” Kaminari frowned, looking over Todoroki’s evidence, which was mostly just the words “Rainbow Gay Lasers” and “Secret Love Child??” written over and over.
“My theories are always right.” Todoroki cut in, snapping his notebook shut. “And I’m going to prove it.”
Kaminari hopped up to follow Todoroki as he made a beeline for the rest of class, who were all eating outside on a picnic blanket, enjoying the late autumn breeze.
“I have a theory!” Todoroki announced as he approached, holding up his notebook labelled “CONSPIRACIES”.
“Not this again…” Shinsou groaned. “For the last time, NO, Todoroki. Aizawa and Ms. Joke are NOT my parents.”
“Yes they are, but that’s besides the point.” Todoroki cut in, easing himself to the ground. “Kaminari made a discovery just minutes ago that could change everything that we know about our homeroom teacher.” He slid the notebook in his hands to Izuku, who picked it up and began to read from the last page.
“Gay Lasers? …Oh wow! I always knew that there must be some secondary application for Erasure, I just never knew what! ” Izuku exclaimed, dropping the book on the picnic blanket and staring up in awe.
“Lemme see that!” Bakugo snarled, snatching the notebook and glaring at the page. “This makes no sense! How did you get “secondary quirk application” from this jumbled mess?!”
Izuku sighed. “Frankly, Kacchan, you just don’t understand Todoroki’s organizational structure. Figures, considering you can’t even sort out a pencil case.”
Jiro and Sero snickered, remembering that moment from that morning’s class, when Katsuki’s pencil case had spilled out across the floor in the middle of Thirteen’s environmental sciences lecture.
“None of you understand.” Todoroki shook his head. “We need to test this theory. If our teacher really does have the ability to make people gay using his quirk, we as his students ought to know!”
And how exactly do you plan to test a theory like that, kero?” Tsuyu piped up.
“Easy.” Todoroki said. “We just send in the straightest test subject we can, get them to be targeted by Aizawa’s rainbow laser beams, and ask them if they feel gay.”
“That’s the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard all week.” Bakugo scoffed.
“Not quite, Bakugo.” Iida cut in, chopping his arm dangerously close to Sato’s fresh-baked strawberry shortcake. “Provided Todoroki’s methodology includes a control group, it can be tested somewhat scientifically. After all, we cannot simply discount Kaminari’s testimony based on the logical fallacy of personal incredulity!”
Mina, observing the conversation, asked, “If we’re going to be doing this, who’s our test subject? I mean, is anyone in our class straight anyways?”
The entire class fell silent. After a moment, five hands were raised.
“Bakugo… why are you raising your hand?” Izuku asked.
“Maybe because I’m not gay , Deku.” Katsuki scoffed.
“…You’re serious? But Kacchan, you’re practically obsessed with men and masculinity! One time in middle school, your cronies showed you a Mirko edit, and you said— and I quote — ‘All Might is hotter than that rabbit anyways.’ “
Jiro handed Katsuki her phone silently. “Wha- Oh come on!” He yelled, throwing the phone across the yard the moment he noticed it was showing an internet “Am I Gay?” questionnaire.
“With that, we have at least five options left.” Todoroki noted, looking at the four remaining straight contenders. “Hagakure, Shoji, Ojiro, Sato, and Koda. You will be our test subjects for this experiment.”
“Yes sir!” Hagakure enthusiastically saluted.
“Wait, this seems like a poor idea…” Yaoyorozu started, but Jiro cut her off.
“No, let them continue.” She grinned, hand over Yaoyorozu’s mouth. “It’s always more entertaining to just let Todoroki run his course.”
Yaoyorozu sighed and resigned herself to her fate.
“Hold on!” Mina jumped up, waving her arms frantically. “Are you two telling me that you two aren’t a thing??” She exclaimed, pointing at Shoji and Koda.
The two boys looked at each other in confusion. “…No?” Shoji said hesitantly, not sure what brought this on.
“B-but what about your matching heart necklaces?” The girl cried. “Are you telling me that love meant nothing to you?!”
“<We still have those.>” Koda signed, pulling a tiny silver necklace from under his shirt, trinkets that the rest of class 2-A had apparently missed for who knows how long.
“Those are just best friend necklaces.” Shoji explained, showing his matching heart.
“I need to update my whole ship chart now!” Mina cried, burying her face in her hands.
“Hmm, that sounds iffy. For the best results, we should use the straightest people possible, which would be either Hagakure, Sato, or Ojiro.” Todoroki reasoned.
“Hmph, fine. We didn’t want to be a part of your little experiment anyways.” Shoji glowered, looking almost disappointed at Todoroki’s ruling.
“Sorry, but I’m out too.” Hagakure sighed. “Laser beams don’t work on me, remember?”
Aoyama nodded in agreement.
“Two, then.” Todoroki said. “I’ll flip a coin, and if it’s heads, Ojiro will go first. If it’s tails, Sato.”
“Shouldn’t it be the other way around?” Ojiro joked.
The group was silent.
“You know… because of my… tail…” Ojiro said, bashfully rubbing at his head as he spoke.
“That was a dry joke. Believe me. I would know.” Todoroki stated simply, patting Ojiro’s shoulder sympathetically. He then flipped a coin, which landed on heads in the grass.
“Shoji buddy, you’re up!” Sero snickered. “Go get blasted by some rainbow lasers!”
“This experiment is all coming together…” Todoroki smiled, rubbing his hands together in silent glee.
* * *
Shoji knocked on the door to class 2-A, suddenly feeling very nervous.
Aizawa answered it, although he was oddly wearing his bright yellow hero goggles, which looked awkward on his face for some reason, as if there was another layer underneath. “What do you want.” Aizawa asked, although it felt less like a question, and more like a demand to leave.
“W-well I…”
Kaminari narrowed his eyes from down the hall, urging Ojiro on.
“I came here to, um, to slap you.”
“Excuse me?” Aizawa asked, caught off guard.
In an instant, Ojiro’s tail whipped out, smacking into Aizawa’s arm, which he managed to raise just in time.
“What’s gotten into everyone today?” Aizawa growled, trying to push his student off of himself.
Ojiro, reluctantly, went for a sneak attack this time. He whipped out a fist, and it connected with Aizawa’s jaw.
“Aaghh!” The man yelped, rubbing at his chin and glaring at the bashful Ojiro, who was still in a fighting stance. Forgetting his current eyewear predicament, Aizawa sent a quirk-infused glare at Ojiro, which coalesced into a beam of radiant, technicolor light that blasted the student onto his back into the hallway.
In a moment, Ojiro got to his feet, chest slightly singed but otherwise unharmed. He saw Kaminari shooting him a thumbs up from down the hall and turned to Aizawa.
“I’m sorry sir!” He yelled. “I don’t know what came over me!”
“Yeah, well, I,” Aizawa stammered, completely baffled over every single aspect of this interaction. “Just… go to detention or something. I don’t know. If you need me again, just… don’t.”
With that, the door to class 2-A slammed shut and Ojiro scampered off to share his findings with the class.
* * *
“I can’t believe it.” Jiro said breathlessly, as Class 2-A paused for a breath of air four hallways down from their classroom. “Kaminari was telling the truth!”
“Hey!” Kaminari exclaimed, feeling hurt.
Todoroki butted in. “It’s not over yet, we still need to test the main theory. Ojiro… are you gay now?”
Class 2-A waited with bated breath for Ojiro to divulge his sexuality.
“Uhh, I’ve always kinda thought that Dabi was hot, does that count?” Ojiro scratched his head.
Mina threw her hands up in frustration. “No! Everyone thinks that!”
“I’m sorry, what.” Todoroki tried to cut in, before Sero cut him off.
“Yeah man, I’m as ace as it gets, but Dabi? …I’m not saying I’d make an exception but…” He drawled off.
“I’M SORRY.” Todoroki stated loudly, face screwed up. “Are you saying that EVERYONE in my class was attracted to my homicidal late brother turned villain?”
The hallway was awkwardly silent for a moment, before Uraraka spoke up. “I’m not!”
Todoroki whipped around to see her, thankful tears in his eyes.
“Your sister , however…” Uraraka continued.
Todoroki screamed silently, burying his head in his hands while Kirishima patted his back consolingly.
“Hey, wait!” Izuku interrupted, holding up Todoroki’s notebook like a trophy. “Here on page 43!”
The class gathered around to see a page titled: “The Ojiro force field of averageness.”
“Hey, I thought you agreed to erase that page!” Ojiro protested, but Todoroki just picked the book up out of Izuku’s hands and stared at it.
“...Midoriya is right. Ojiro should never have been a test subject, his average field renders him immune to all queer status effects.”
“This isn’t a flippin’ video game!” Bakugo screeched, about ready to pop a blood vessel.
“Hey, Baku-bro.” Kirishima comforted the blonde. “We all saw that rainbow laser, and Todoroki’s theory makes sense, how about we give it one more go?”
“Alright, but I’m going in this time!” Bakugo demanded, and before anyone could stop him, he ran off in the direction of class 2-A
“Should we stop him, orrr…” Mina asked.
“No, let him go.” Jiro directed, a smug grin on her face. “I know exactly how this is about to go.”
Exactly following the girl’s mental prediction, 2 minutes and 56 seconds later, Bakugo returned with a smoking red mark on his head and a glare on his face. He walked right up to Kirishima, grabbed him by the collar, and kissed him.
The rest of class watched, with various degrees of shock, glee, and horror, (Mina recording the whole interaction secretly, of course.) as the boys began to make out.
An undetermined length of time later, which may have been either seconds or hours, depending on who you asked, Bakugo broke up the kiss. “The frickin’ gay beam works, are you happy?!”
Kirishima nodded quickly, a dumbfounded expression on his face.
“I KNEW IT!” Jiro and Izuku exclaimed together, sharing a mental high-five over their synchronization.
“No you blastin’ didn’t, I was the farthest thing from gay before that cat-obsessed hobo hit me with that variegated laser beam!”
“Aww, he’s already learning new words for rainbow!” Mina squealed. “Quick, Jiro you need to start educating him on all the new gay essentials!”
Jiro grinned and pulled up The Gaydar Show with Anania on her phone. (Which she had made Iida recover from where it landed across the school’s yard earlier.) “Okay, here’s what you need to know…”
As Bakugo was attempting to wrestle himself away from his supportive, yet obsessive friends, Todoroki turned back to the more research oriented ‘DekuSquad.’
“Does that test really count?” Todoroki wondered. “Bakugo seems to have merely used it as an excuse to come out to the class.”
Iida nodded. “Without a control factor, that experiment wasn’t meaningful.”
Izuku chimed in. “So, that just leaves us with…”
Like a scene out of a horror movie, Class 2-A collectively turned to stare at Sato.
“H-hey, please, guys we can talk this out-!”
* * *
Aizawa glared at Sato as the boy stood, shaking, in his classroom’s doorway.
“You’ve got three seconds to explain why you kids have been bothering me, or so help me I will violate my terms and conditions .” Aizawa growled darkly, hair slightly singed and looking downright deranged.
“Oh, he’s serious.” Present Mic said, walking up behind Sato, hair freshly groomed. “Kid, you’d better run while you can!”
A tear slid down Sato’s cheek. “ This is for all of my sugar being held hostage…” He whispered, throwing a punch at Aizawa’s face.
“Oh no you don’t.” Aizawa’s capture scarf whipped out, grabbing hold of Sato before his attack could land. “You’re not getting away this time. You want to explain to me why everyone in this whole school has gone insane today?”
Sato spilled everything like a sack of flour.
“Okay, okay.” Aizawa grumbled, rubbing the bridge of his nose. “You’re telling me that you mistook my support gear for a… a gay laser beam?”
“Well, when you say it like that… ” Mina shuffled her feet awkwardly.
“No , Mina, when you say it any way! Please explain to me any possible way that a gay laser beam makes sense to you?!”
The girl shrugged. “Well, when Todoroki explained it he used more science-y terms and stuff…”
“I am going to quit this job so help me… ” Aizawa turned to Iida. “And you! You are normally so well behaved, why in the world did you go along with all of this?”
Iida chopped his arms in the air. “We were following the scientific method, sir!”
“Scientific- do you mean punching me in the face?!”
“Percussive maintenance, sir.” Todoroki said calmly. “It’s a thing, you can look it up if you don’t believe me.”
Shouta Aizawa sat in dumbfounded silence for a moment. “ You’re all the next generation of heroes… the lives of everyone in Japan will depend on you…”
“There, there.” Yamada comforted Aizawa. “It’s not like this is the first time you’ve been punched in the face!”
“You’re not helping.” Aizawa growled back.
“That does bring up my next point, which is that, if your rainbow laser ability doesn’t make one gay, why did Kaminari see you and Yamada engaged in the act of making out?”
For a single, immeasurable instant, Aizawa and Yamada froze, but Aizawa quickly recovered.
His relationship must be kept secret at all costs. Just imagining what Todoroki would do with the knowledge that his teachers were married would open up a can of worms that neither he, nor the world, was prepared for.
“Excuse me?” Aizawa scoffed. “I’d rather make out with a sack of mud than this sad excuse for a radio announcer. Please, he wishes that he was playing in my league.”
Yamada laughed heartily, a sound that any other would think was just a fun, happy exclamation at a coworker’s joke, but to Aizawa’s trained ears was a single message.
‘Sigh. Sleeping on the couch again tonight.’
“Oh…” Todoroki looked down at the floor forlornly. “I was already drafting up theories on your possible secret love children, that new 1-B student with the sound dampening quirk was at the top of my list.”
‘ Called it.’ Aizawa thought.
“Wait wait wait.” Kaminari butted in. “So you’re telling me that Mei made a totally normal laser beam? Not a gay laser? I don’t believe it.”
“Yeah, mostly because that would mean that I’m gay, and I’m not. ” Bakugo insisted.
Everyone looked at Bakugou for a moment, considering just… letting him believe that it really was a gay beam. For his and everyone else’s sanity, of course.
Before they could, however, Hatsume Mei reappeared from the ceiling vent. “Oh, no I totally made one of those.”
“Why do you keep doing that…” Aizawa muttered. “And besides, what do you mean you ‘made one of those’?”
“A gay laser beam!” Mei responded, face turning to confusion. “That’s what you were all talking about, right?”
“A… wait, you made one of those? For real?!” Yamada exclaimed.
“Yup!” Mei chipperly stated. “Took me 20 minutes and about 3 liters of Redbull, why?”
“For who?” Todoroki cut in. “ Who has this invention? I need to know, please.”
“Oh, I can’t tell you, it’s a part of my contract.” Mei said sadly. “Speaking of contracts, I’ll need those notes on my desk by 8:00! I’m expecting at least 3,000 words, double spaced in APA Format!”
“ Don’t forget your citations!” Hatsume Mei’s voice echoed as she scampered away through the vents, probably to find another new victim.
“So… that’s it?” Mina broke the silence. “Someone out there has a laser gun that can make people gay and we’re just… supposed to go on with our lives knowing that?!”
“Listen kid, some things are better off not knowing.” Aizawa droned, looking dead inside. “So just… go to class, or detention, at this point I don’t even care. You can go home if you want because I’ll be drinking. …Water. Of course. Not alcohol, because that’s illegal on school grounds.” The teacher slowly shoved a flask deeper into his pockets, out of sight.
Class 2-A looked at each other, eyes wide with excitement. “You know what that means!” Kaminari exclaimed.
“An independent study group?” Iida suggested.
“Nope! Nonstop video games! Let’s go gang!”
Class 2-A stomped off to their dorms, excited for another carefree high school afternoon, filled with video games and far too much soda.
* * *
Sasaki Mirai opened a metal briefcase, which hissed open with a puff of glittery steam. Inside lay a science fiction-ey ray gun, adorned with tesla coils and pride stickers.
“Prepare yourself, All Might.” The man cackled.
A pile of fanfiction written by one “SirSasaki1281” would be coming true very, very soon…