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Patton sat with his eyes closed, attempting to take in all the stimuli around him. The forest was quiet except for the sound of rustling leaves and melodic chirps. The cool breeze ruffled his hair pleasantly. He took a deep breath in, tasting the musk of fall. There was a chance this wouldn't work, but he had to try. In a calm voice, Patton spoke into the air, "Janus, where did things go wrong? What changed?"
There was the crunching of footsteps on leaves. "I don't think anything did," Janus replied.
"But our relationship has," Patton stated. He kept his eyes closed. The world was less confusing that way.
Janus voice remained gentle but matter of fact, "Who we are hasn't."
"Well then," Patton finally opened his eyes, looking up at Janus standing in front of him and to the left. He was dressed warmer than usual to combat the bite of the wind. Janus' normally short caplet was a full jacket now, and it suited him well. Janus himself was looking forward at the treeline—not at Patton's inquiring gaze. His scaled side was turned away, which seemed fitting. "How did you change from Deceit to Self Preservation then?"
Janus looked over his shoulder to look into Patton's confused eyes. "Who says I did?" Janus asked playfully.
Patton's eyes slid from Janus' to the horizon in front of him. The scene truly was idyllic. Patton sighed, "All of us do, Jan Jan." Patton saw Janus turn his face away out of the peripheral of his vision. His voice small but bright, Patton continued, "But we know you've been trying to help Thomas now, so its a good change!"
Janus scoffed. It was typical of Patton to be so closed minded. "Ah yes. And I wasn't trying to do that from the start, was I?"
Patton's face hardened, ready to defend himself. He wouldn't allow Janus to trick him into feeling guilty! "I-" Patton began, but then he paused. He thought back to all of the times Janus stepped in after one of Romulus' schemes that Patton or Logan encouraged went astray. In a fraction of a second, Patton's face fell and his tone softened. "Oh. I guess you did use to come to Thomas defense all the time. Then… how did you become Deceit?"
Janus voice remained calm but a forced cheer was obvious in his tone. "Your perspective changed."
Patton paled. "My perspective?" Patton knew that the others tended to listen to him and his concerns, that wasn't the driving force behind the shift in Janus, was it? Then again, Janus' scales did first appear after a fight with Patton. Were those things related? They couldn't be. Janus had done the changing after all.
Janus purposefully added an understanding tone to his voice, hoping that it would lessen Patton's distress. "The heart does tend to be fickle."
"I'm sorry," Patton said, his voice slightly choked on the guilt crashing in to him. Remorse was embedded in the crease of his brow, the curve of his frown, and the tears that Patton felt prick his eyes. He bowed his head and he examined his hands that were sitting in his lap. He had too much power for someone who couldn't control their own emotions.
Janus knew that better than anyone. He had seen what Patton would do when pushed too far. Still, he couldn't help but sympathize with the beautiful man behind him. Janus turned to look at where Patton sat on a fallen log. He looked so much like the child he used to be. In a way, the only thing that differentiated Patton from his child self was the way he looked. Janus tried to be kind to the immature man, but bitterness leaked into his words, "I know. You always are."
"Yet here we are still," Patton said shakily, his mirth falling flat. A tear dripped down his face. This was a familiar song and dance. It hurt both of them every single time. So why did they keep hurting each other?
Janus noticed the way Patton balled his hands into fists and looked towards the horizon again. Patton's head raised, but he turned his gaze to the fluffy white clouds in the sky when he noticed Janus wasn't looking at him anymore. Janus thought about how long it had been since Patton last went out into these woods hoping to talk to him. It was too long ago. But maybe Patton had time to reflect? To cool down? Janus tried to sound hopeful, "We're talking now, aren't we? Things aren't as bad as they could be, my sweet."
"You don't get to call me that anymore," Patton shot back. The pet name stung. It reminded Patton of all the times Janus had said that during picnics and cuddle sessions. The last time Janus called Patton that, Janus was walking away as he broke up with him. Sure, Patton had gotten the others to agree that lying was bad, but that didn't mean that Patton wanted their relationship to be over!
It didn't feel fair, even if it was.
"My apologies." Janus was always supposed to apologize for hurting Patton. Honestly, Janus didn't like hurting the fragile morale side, but guilt did not always point to justice. If anything, Patton has hurt Janus more than the other way around. But that never seemed to matter, did it?
Patton sighed. "And things used to be better," Patton said dejectedly.
Janus examined his nails, despite the fact that they were covered by his yellow gloves. Hopefully it conveyed a nonchalance Janus wished he felt. "They didn't start better. In fact, you used to be rather indifferent to me," Janus pouted sarcastically.
"Uh, because you never approached me, Logan, and Romulus except for when you were doing your job?" Patton's uncertainty turned the statement into a question. His brow furrowed and his mouth set in a confused frown as he looked up to Janus.
Janus laughed softly, the playful hurt falling off his face. "I was rather stand offish, wasn't I?"
Patton nods, the frown being replaced by a soft smile. "I was in awe of you at one point anyways."
Janus turned to look at Patton, an eyebrow raised. "You were? I didn't notice." Janus reminisced at when Patton would stare up at him with his soft brown eyes sparkling in wonder and his mouth agape as Janus wove a beautiful tapestry of lies. Janus' words allowed Thomas to walk away scotch free after another one of Romulus' schemes went wrong. He felt powerful and loved back then.
Patton smiled softly too as he remembers Janus puffing out his chest as the others complimented him on a job well done. "If you say so~" Patton replied, his voice melodic in its teasing.
Janus smiled fondly at the comfortable teasing. "I wish it stayed like that."
Patton bit his lip and turned away from Janus to look at the distant trees once again."It could have. But Thomas was getting in trouble." The lying only made the punishment worse if Thomas was caught.
"I only lied to try to help Thomas, but you couldn't see that. That would require maturity," Janus hissed. Why was Patton so intent on blaming him as if Patton himself never did anything wrong?
Patton thought about the disappointed look Thomas parents gave because of Janus influence and his own anger flared. "I was mature enough to see the big picture!" Patton yelled, banging a fist down on the log he sat on. Then he took a large, shaky breath to release his anger. He couldn't be mad. Not the happy pappy Patton. He needed to get himself under control.
Janus didn't mention Patton's outburst. They used to be much more common, so what was the point of drawing attention to it now? Its mere existence proved Janus point. "Of course you were. And you are just as skilled at seeing the grand scheme of things now, morality."
Patton bristled. This was the fight Patton was preparing himself for earlier. "You hurt Thomas even if you don't mean to. Remember all the times you got us in trouble?"
"That isn't true," Janus drawled, turning his head to the side to better examine his hand, "I merely provide options. You and the others make your own choices."
Patton's mouth pressed into a displeased line. "Are you saying this is my fault?"
Janus sighed, dropping the sass from his tone. This whole topic made Janus tired, yet he came to talk to Patton despite knowing this would happen. "No, Patton. I'm not. I should have protected all of you better," Janus admitted with his face turned away. But the slouch in his shoulders portrayed his exhaustion anyways.
Patton didn't notice. His lip trembled, but he tried to sound firm, "There is no need to be sarcastic."
"I'm not being sarcastic, Patton. Its not like all I have ever wanted was to protect you, to protect Thomas," Janus snarled. How could Patton still not see that Janus was telling the truth? After all that Janus had gone through and sacrificed to please the fickle heart, Patton still couldn't see past his own preconceived notions of right and wrong.
"I believed that for a time," Patton said sadly, the fight drained from his voice.
Janus couldn't help but think of all the times Patton had turned to him when there was a problem. The times he was allowed to be the protector he longed to be. Janus looked over to Patton longingly. "That was a beautiful time."
"I miss it," Patton whispered as he turned to see Janus' love struck gaze tinged with an oppressive sadness.
Janus could feel his defenses crumbling. Janus nonchalance collapsed into sadness. "We hurt each other."
"But we could do better this time!" Patton pleaded. He stood up and clasped Janus' hand in both of his own, but Janus refused to look at him. Patton could feel his own tears fall, but he also noticed tears glistening in Janus' eyes.
Janus wrenched his hand away and stepped away. "That is what you said last time. I accepted you back even if you banished me during Romulus' split. Then you rejected me and all I stood for over over and over again every time I tried to fix things!"
"I was trying to get better at listening to you but then you walked away." Patton stepped forward and put a comforting hand on Janus' shoulder. He offered Janus a handkerchief with a paw print design.
Janus took it. "Not everything is black and white."
Patton stepped in front of Janus and they locked eyes. Patton's eyes shone with unshed tears and hopefulness. "That doesn't mean the beautiful colors of the world don't paint a clear picture!"
Janus wanted to turn away, but he was ensnared by Patton's gaze. "You get distracted by the things that don't matter. You are no better than a child chasing a butterfly," Janus claimed accusatorily, but he wiped a tear off Patton's face with his thumb.
Patton leaned into the touch as he cried harder. "I know that I get overwhelmed by everything sometimes so I'm difficult to be with-"
Janus willed himself to not cry. It didn't work. Patton was so heartbreakingly beautiful it was a pitiful. Janus never wanted to see Patton hurt, but he told himself he wouldn't let himself be hurt by him either. "Its not that, Patton. I loved you, but you rejected me. Did you really expect me to stay forever when you couldn't prioritize me? It is my nature to preserve the self, even when I want to protect others. I couldn't protect Thomas to the capacity he requires if I allow myself to be hurt."
Janus stepped away from Patton's touch. This time, Patton let him. "Was I really hurting you that badly?" Patton asked dejectedly.
Janus wrapped his arms around himself. He hated how pitiful Patton looked. "Maybe, maybe not. Its in the past now."
"But you said that the past is what is keeping us from being together," Patton sniffled.
"I did say that, didn't I?" Janus said detachedly. He couldn't let the cycle repeat. He couldn't do this again.
"Janus, I love you," Patton pleaded. He sat back down on the log and hugged his knees to his chest. He hid his head and began to sob. It wasn't fair. If they loved each other, why couldn't they be together? It was so obvious that Janus loved him back. So why wouldn't he accept that he had changed? That he could do better this time?
Janus sat on the log next to Patton and wrapped the morale side into a hug. "Please don't cry. I-" Janus sucked in a deep breath, knowing that his next words would start the cycle anew, "I love you, too. And I promise to do everything in my power to soothe your fears and protect you from harm. This time, I will make it work."
Its a shame that Janus spoke the same was true the last time they were together. No matter how hard they tried to change for the better, the traits that doomed their relationship to break apart and come back together would always be there.
The things that never changed eventually hurt the worst.