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What Goes Around Will Bite You In The Arse

Summary:

Dumbledore messed up

Notes:

(See the end of the work for other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1: Choices

Chapter Text

Severus was sitting in his cold Azkaban cell, wondering what went wrong. He was promised nothing like this would happen. "You believed him?" A voice said he was stunned and slowly he turned his head a saw this short woman in black joppers with black riding boots and a white riding shirt with a blazer on. The crop was sticking out of her black riding boots. She was short, rail-thin with brown curly hair that she clearly had no control over. Her eyes were the lightest blue he had ever seen, they looked almost the shade of the sky with just some cloud cover. Her face was that perfect peaches and cream soft complexion that needed no makeup and lush lips and equally sculpted eyebrows. She was in a word, beautiful.

"Which him?" Severus sighed. "Albus Dumbledore who promised if I spied for him, he would protect me or the Dark Lord who promised me power and protection, of course, sent his snake after me for a snack or Harry Potter who, no he never promised me a thing, others did in his name, but no he never did."

"Yet, out of those three, the one who promised you nothing is working to clear your name and the Malfoy family earning him the wrath of those who were to love him." She held a small flame in her hand and laid it on the stone floor in front of Severus. "To help you get warm."

Severus shifted his body, "what do you mean?"

"The Weasley family except for the menacing twins are trying to get Harry locked away in a mental institution after he marries their daughter of course. He has flat out refused. Dumbledore even tried the fake marriage contract bit on him, boy did that backfired in his face." She waved her hand and some blankets appeared in the corner. "The Wolf and Mutt have told Harry that if he keeps trying to free you and Lucius, they won't forgive him. He lost them but he is used to losing. The old man even tried to ship him off to the Dursley family. Harry refused and they refused to have the freak back. They denied him his own home, crash went the wards. It was his own home and he was treated worse than a Malfoy house-elf. Dumbledore made sure to put him with magic hating muggles for a reason. Dumbledore is also fighting against Harry, Dumbledore wants to keep you here. The only reason Harry has made any headway in getting you and Lucius freed is he has all the memories, he took them all from Dumbledore's office, including the ones about Horcruxes. He took every memory so Dumbledore is being very careful about how he handles Harry right now. He needs those memories returned."

"What does this have to do with me?" Severus was confused about who this woman was and why she was here and telling him this. Harry was the only one trying to help him. The Aurors made sure to rub that in.

"They are going to kill Harry. I am here to offer you, Lucius, and Harry a deal. You would be the hardest to convince so I am speaking to you."

"Why would I be the hardest?"

"You would need to help Harry become the Dark Lord he was meant to be. Tom Riddle wasn't Magic's Dark Lord and Dumbledore isn't Magic Light Lord. Dumbledore killed Magic's Light Lord and set himself up to take control. You and Lucius would belong to him, deeper than the Dark Lord. I mean truly belong to him. You know that already, you feel the pull but you deny it. Harry needs your strength, he needs Lucius polish. He has the cunning, the masks he has worn for years prove it. He just needs you and Lucius to fulfill him. He has the ideas and knows how to do it but he is used to being unloved and unwanted. He needs his mates around. You two are his mates. He is fighting for his mates and they are trying to kill him to stop it. You and Lucius would need to give him the reason to keep living."

"He is a menace, just like his rotten father." The bitter words flowed out of his mouth. He refused to believe what she was saying. Decades of habit kicked in.

"Tell me how is he like his father?" The woman walked around the cell.

"He is a spoiled, self-centered little brat, walks around thinking the world revolves around him, just as much of a bully as his father was too, everything was about him. Sticking his nose in places it didn't belong."

"Spoiled? He was beaten, starved, and neglected at the Dursley. At Hogwarts, he was treated like a leaper at times, other times like he could do no wrong by the same people who just a week before treated him like a leper. He was just as neglected at Hogwarts. The only Professor who gave him any attention was you, and we know what kind of attention you gave him. The rest, you know, that isn't the truth, you are just using that to hide." She moved closer to Severus. She made a face, waved her hand, and Severus was clean, dry, and warm. "Harry never bullied anyone. The world did revolve around him and Dumbledore never told him the truth so he had to learn to stick his nose in or he would have been dead in his first year." She looked at him. "So many sins of the father visited upon the son. Think hard about this Severus, do you want to help Harry or not? I will give you a few minutes to think."

"How are we going to do this?"

"I will tell you only after you agree."

"How do I know I can trust you?"

"You can't but you can trust Harry."

After several more minutes, Severus stood up. "I will do it."

Harry and Lucius were suddenly in the cell with Severus. "Nice Merlin but how about a better meeting place?"

"Severus agreed, now we need Lucius to agree." Merlin stated.

"Did he just call you Merlin?" Severus asked.

"Yes, that is my name. Loved pulling that one on those old goats, glamoured like a man and they believed anything I did. Fools. How did it go with Lucius?"

"Ask him, I don't think he believed me. Severus, I apologize for everything."

"You don't owe me any apologies I, however, owe you numerous ones." Severus couldn't believe it, Merlin was in his cell with Harry Potter. His life was weird.

"I believe you now. When do we get started?" Lucius pulled himself together. He wasn't going to question Merlin.

"I need the bonding. Magic's Dark Lords have two mates for a reason. Harry is pure power, he is also an Elemental Vampire. Which means he needs to feed on you as well as you to keep his powers grounded."

Severus and Lucius exchanged a look. "May you give us a minute?" Lucius asked.

"Sure, we have plenty of time. The Dementors are still at the other end of Azkaban and the guards are still knocked out for about fifteen minutes or so." Harry informed them.

"Elemental Vampire?" Severus wasn't sure what exactly was required in a relationship with an elemental vampire. He knew how to kill them, what potion ingredients they were useful for but that was it.

"It means he has no core. He is all power once he gets trained Dumbledore and the Ministry are going to be sorry. As a vampire, we will be submissive mates. Are you fine with that?" Lucius didn't mind that position. He was used to it.

Severus looked at Harry and saw a huge difference. He wasn't short anymore. He was close to six foot five inches and well-developed muscles. He wasn't wearing glasses so he could see his emerald green eyes and his hair was long and pulled back and held with a ribbon. "I am fine with it Lucius. I am not sure about having another Master but if we can get back at Dumbledore and the Ministry I am for it." He wanted Dumbledore and the Ministry to pay for everything. No more Mr. Nice Guy.

They walked to Merlin and Harry. "We are ready."

Harry sighed. "I need you to kneel, place your hands behind your back, and grab your right wrist, head down and tilted. I am going to mark you, not feed. Later we will do the first feeding but this is to allow you to pass into my private areas." Severus and Lucius obeyed and each felt the pleasure of the fangs as it broke the skin and feel something get rubbed into their marks. When it was done, Harry helped them up. They heard some Aurors coming.

"I believe it is time we leave. Shall we?" Merlin held out a stick. "Port-key gentlemen, we have some training to do."

__________________________________________________________________________

Two years later:

Merlin walked in and tossed the Daily Prophet on the table. "It seems you three have been declared dead by the Ministry and they are trying to get into your vaults. The paper said they will keep trying. Ironclaw wrote, strongly suggested closing the vaults completely and switching them to a new name with the same level of protection. A lot of tracking spells on the paper and bird. I disabled them all with a mild Confundus Charm on the owl for it to take a tour of the islands."

"We will need to do it. they will find or create a law that will allow it if we don't." Lucius had been dealing with Gringotts and their legal issues since they left Azkaban.

Harry picked up the newspaper. "Why did we get the paper today? We haven't gotten one in weeks. Ironclaw, we hear from him almost daily. Dumbledore and the Ministry are waiting for us at the bank in some form." He tossed the paper back onto the table.

"It's neutral territory they can't do anything, Master." Lucius grabbed the paper.

"They can outside of the bank. Even if we go under glamour between Mad-Eye's magical Eye and Tonks skills with Metamorphmagi, we will have some issue." Harry walked around the table and tilted his head down at Severus, "Merlin, how do you feel about taking a Siberian Tiger for a walk through Diagon Alley while a bat rides Eagle into the bank and meets with Ironclaw?"

"We can use that new potion I created, Master." Severus smiled. "They wouldn't be able to see you as anything but a tiger while Lucius and I fly into the banking."

"Master, you will have to come with us, to close your accounts and switch them around." Lucius said.

"Merlin will be taking a tiger to the bank. Lucius can hide in her pocket for protection and Severus, you can fly ahead." Harry revamped the plans. He was going to use his form to keep the Order away from Gringott but this plan worked. "After breakfast, we will go, I expect they will think we will wait until later so fewer people will be there. Let the twins know."

"Let us know what?" Fred said coming into the dining room.

"We need to close our accounts." Lucius handed him over the paper.

"Luna and Neville said something-" George looked over his brother's shoulder

"-about helping out in the bank" Fred said.

"-today. We didn't know why, neither did they." Fred and George stated.

Draco slowly walked into the room and sat down between Fred and George. "Pansy, Blaise, and Theo reported it's been the same all week in Diagon Alley unless you looked real close. It seems each day they have been adding either an Order member or an Auror to each of the patrols."

"How many are there now?" Harry asked.

"10 on regular duty with 8 watchers, 3 patrolling, and 6 trying to play shoppers. Granger and Weasley are there almost every days talking to each one, kind of gives it away." Draco wondered about the Order. How did they ever manage to get anything done? Their Gryffindor attitude exposed them each time they attempted to do something subtle.

"We need to decide today, do you want to lose the Weasley, Malfoy, and Snape name?" Merlin asked.

Narcissa walked in. "Lose all of the names. I am going back to Black."

"Black." Draco stated.

"Peverell." Fred and George stated.

"Peverell." Lucius looked over to Harry and saw the small smile.

"Peverell." Severus didn't even lift his lead from the paper. "Master, did you see this? On page 5, there is a notice about your property in Godric's Hollow. They want to tear it down and claim the land for the Ministry. If you don't appear at the Ministry by today it will become Ministry property."

"Guess it's time to use the Fidelius Charm on it. Merlin will be the secret keeper but I need all of us there to cast the spell, not because I don't have the strength but I want the spell to be powered by all of us. I don't want it to be able to be broken by Dumbledore's Elder Wand. I will bind it to the earth and property while you cast the ward in of itself." Harry wasn't about to let his parents' home be turned over to the Ministry.

"When?" Merlin asked.

"An hour. Send the word out to our friends to be there." Harry left the room.

"Severus?" Narcissa quietly asked. Severus looked up from the paper. "What does he have planned?"

"He is going to make them wish they never set their eyes on his property." Severus answered.

"I believe we are going to be making a stand today." Lucius added.

"Showtime." Fred and George smiled. "Let's get the word out."

___________________________________________________________________________

Fred and George stood in front of Harry. They had removed themselves from the Weasley family tree just a few minutes ago. "We have come to request to be added to your family. We are your family in all but name. We request to be part of the Peverell family."

Narcissa and Draco stood. "We have come to request to be added to your family. We are your family in all but name. We request to be returned to the Black family name."

"I am honored that you wish to join my family. I have decided to use both names. From this day forward, I will be using my full title but the surname name will be Peverell-Black, so each of your wishes to join the Peverell-Black family?"

"We do." All four said. "So mote it be."

"So mote it be." Harry finished and magic swirled around the five of them, twisting and turning, flowing through their bodies, the air was alive with family magic flowing around them, pulling Severus and Lucius into the bond of magic that was there.

Merlin grinned. "The bond is complete now. You now have real family in Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, Draco, Fred, and George. You have true friends in those who will gather in fifteen minutes to help you cast the Fidelius Charm."

"What about you?" Draco asked.

"I am family already." Merlin grinned. "I believe we need to make an appearance at Godric's Hollow, we have a Fidelius Charm to perform and after that, we go to the bank." Yes, it was time.

___________________________________________________________________________

Pansy, Blaise, Theo, Neville, Luna, Bill, Charlie, Seamus, Dean were waiting when Harry, Severus, Lucius, Narcissa, Draco, and Merlin landed on the property. "Lucius, Severus lead on the Fidelius. Bill and Charlie, you do the family wards, I will be binding them to the earth. Merlin will be doing the overlay, everyone please assist where you best can." They didn't want to waste any time in case someone was watching the property.

Harry started walking the property and feeling the wards. He could hear the others talking and gathering what was needed. "It will get better."

Harry looked at Narcissa. "I know, thank you. I am not sure at times if I am doing the right thing. Me a Dark Lord? When I see what we are doing, what we are stopping, and what we are trying to fix, I don't mind that label anymore."

"We have been training quietly for two years. We are ready to handle Dumbledore and the Ministry. You can do it. This is just the opening volley in the battle."

Harry grinned at her. "Yes and boy are they going to be surprised."

Narcissa let out a little laugh. "Yes, they are going to be surprised."

"Now, let's get to work before we get a surprise." Harry smirked. Soon the property was unplotable, under Fidelius Charm, and the wards were buried deep into the earth's foundation. It had taken a lot of magic since they wanted to make sure that the Elder wand couldn't remove the Fidelius Charm. They didn't believe that Dumbledore would be able to find the property but the charm wasn't a guarantee as Harry learned as a baby.

"Bank next?" Merlin grinned.

"Yes, everyone knows where they need to be, so let's go." Draco stated.

_______________________Flashback to Earlier that day____________________

Bill laid out a map of Diagon Alley. "Dean and Seamus will be by the Quidditch store. Fred and George will be at their store. Pansy, Theo, and Blaise will be in charge of keeping Granger, our brother, and sister busy."

Charlie showed them the bank on the map. "Neville and Luna will be in the bank. They will be sitting on the third bench. The first bench has Dung sitting on it. They said they will make sure Dung will be gone by the time you arrive."

"Pans has the eyes and ears ready in the Alleys." Draco held up the twins' invention for communication between them.

____________End Flashback_________________________

Severus handed the Animagi Sealer Potion to Lucius and Harry, they drank it and changed. The sealer prevented anyone from breaking the transformation, allowing only the individual to transfer back to themselves. Severus went into his Eagle form, Lucius into a Fruit Bat form, Narcissa put Lucius into her pocket, and Harry transformed into a Siberian Tiger. Fred looked at Harry. "Toss a saddle on him and we can ride him." Harry in his tiger form was 10.75 ft (3.3 m) and weighed 860 lbs. Harry just gave him a slight roar.

"I believe if you tried to ride him he would find a way to make sure you never did it again." George told Fred. "We will apparite directly to our shop and see you out front." George and Fred left.

"Let's go and create chaos in Diagon Alley." Merlin smiled as she headed to the fireplace.

"She is going to enjoy this." Draco remarked. They flooed into the Leaky Cauldron to screams as Harry sat down by Merlin and watched the chaos. "Told you." Narcissa gave Draco a slight smirk. Once everyone was together, they started toward Gringott. "Granger incoming, Weasley is at the other end, Blaise is stopping him."

"Malfoy." Granger stepped in front of Draco.

"Granger." Draco went to step around her but she stopped him with a hand on his arm. "Granger, let me go."

"Where is your father? Harry? Snape?" Granger asked.

"Have you asked Sybill Trelawney? She is the seer, not me."

"Draco, just in time. I was wondering when you would get here." Pansy loudly proclaimed with Theo. She elbowed Granger out of the way and started dragging Draco toward Fred and George's store.

Granger looked at the woman with the tiger. "Who are you?" She ignored Narcissa.

"Rude little girls don't get answers that way." Merlin walked toward Gringott.

"She gives muggle-born a bad name." Narcissa couldn't stand the girl.

They heard Granger shout "you need a leash for that familiar or I will inform the Aurors."

"Please, try to put one on him. I would enjoy the show. How did you put up with that for seven years?" Merlin quietly asked Harry.

One of the Aurors stepped in front of them as Merlin was about to step onto the goblin's land. "You need a leash for that animal."

"No, I don't. According to the oldest law, any familiar in complete control is allowed to be unleashed. If anything I would say your populace needs the leash as they are running out of control, whereas Baby hasn't done a thing. If you excuse me I do need to go and get some of my own banking done." Merlin smiled and with a slight wave of her hand, stepped around the Auror.

Once in Ironclaw's office, everyone was back in their own form within a few minutes Draco, Fred and George joined them. "Any problems?" Harry asked.

"No, Luna and Neville got rid of Dung for us to pass by." Fred stated.

"We also planted some tracking devices onto some of them." George told them.

Ironclaw entered the office. "I was hoping you would make it in today. They are very insistent on getting into the vaults."

Harry smiled. "Let them but first remove everything. Put our stuff into new vaults under new names with the best protection. Could you fill the vaults up with useless or copies of outdated paperwork? All the vaults? Don't make it easy for them to get into the old ones but I do want the memory of their faces when they open the vaults. Give them just a few old vaults, they don't need to know how many we had."

Severus and Lucius smiled. "I would suggest a few expired potions that might just make them regret opening them."

"We have a few that will make sure they remember it for a few days." Fred and George said.

"Ironclaw would that be fine with you?" Harry asked.

"Yes. I believe Griphook would enjoy that." Ironclaw grinned. "King Jareth would also enjoy that memory. They have been a problem."

"Let's get started." Harry grinned.

Several hours later the selected vaults were cleaned out, new ones set up, and the ones not selected were renamed. The ones they set up for the Ministry and Dumbledore were filled with parchment and well-placed potions.

"Severus, may we use your new poly-juice potion to pretend to be goblins?" Lucius asked.

Everyone, including the goblins, turned and looked at Severus. "If it is alright with the goblins we can use the long-term stuff. I believe we can have Luna and Neville mention we were here and get them to arrive."

"I will speak to the King, give me a few minutes." Ironclaw stated.

Luna smiled. "This is going to be fun." Luna had a real gleam in her eyes.

Ironclaw came back with a grin on his face. "The King has agreed. He said they are due here to request entrance again. He will stall for thirty minutes to give us time to get into place, give in, to make it look authentic. He also said you can use some of our warders to help in Godric's Hollow if you wish to add more protection." Harry, Lucius, Severus with Fred, George, Draco, Luna, and Neville were down by the vaults after Luna went up to Dung and told him she saw Harry.

Soon Griphook and Ironclaw were escorting Dumbledore and Minister Shacklebolt, with a small group of Aurors, to the first vault. "Vault 823, Potter Trust Vault." Ironclaw produced a big key ring, fumbled around trying to find the right key and put it in the slot, and started to speak in gobbledygook but nothing that made any sense and slowly opened the vault. "You may now enter." They entered the vault and came running back out a few minutes later. They were naked, pink, bald, and smelled like skunks, with parchment stuck all over them. "Next vault?" Ironclaw appeared calm but he was trying not to laugh. He would later when he watched the memories of this a few times.

"This isn't the right vault." Dumbledore was trying to cast Finite Incantatem and it kept failing.

"Yes it is. According to your own accounting of the vaults, it is. Vault 823 is the Potter Trust Vault, this is vault 823. The next vault is 742, come alone, I have work I need to do. Cease using magic, you will be removed if you do so again."

"We can't go ahead like this, we need to fix ourselves." One of the Aurors stated.

"You are wizards, please step outside of the bank and do it, otherwise, we must continue, I do have other clients." Ironclaw was enjoying this. He couldn't wait to review this memory. He was going to cherish this day for a long time.

"Vault 742, "Potter Family Vault." Ironclaw read the paperwork. He produced the key and did the same routine and soon they came running out with blue and green spots on their already pink bodies.

"What is going on? I demand the correct vaults." Dumbledore tried to cancel the spells by any means he knew but nothing was working. He ignored the goblins' warning about magic being used in their bank and found his wand had disappeared.

"You will find your wand upstairs in the teller area when you are ready to leave." Griphook glanced at Ironclaw, they were enjoying this a lot. They were going to win a lot of respect from their fellow goblins because of the new Peverell-Black family.

"These are the correct vaults. Do they not match up with your paperwork? We do not patrol what a client keeps in their vaults." Ironclaw handed him the paperwork. "Now, I believe next is vault 723, Severus Snape."

At vault 723 they came flying out of the vault landing on their butts, with nappies on, and more parchment stuck to them. "The next vault is 542 Malfoy Family Vault." Ironclaw ignored whatever they were saying and started walking. They followed Ironclaw to the next vault, not realizing there was a small growing group of goblins watching. They stayed hidden in the niches watching. "Vault 542, Malfoy Family Vault." Lucius looked at Harry who shrugged. Three minutes later they came running out with tails and deer antlers on their heads.

"Where are the correct vaults?" Minister Shacklebolt asked.

"These are the correct vaults. You still have a lot of paperwork to look through, I believe. Do you wish us to assist you in the paperwork, for a small fee of course?"

"Where are the rest of the vaults?" Minister Shacklebolt demanded. Dumbledore was glaring at Ironclaw and Griphook.

"I am sorry but there isn't any more listed here." Ironclaw handed over the ledger. "As you can see there was only the Potter Trust, the Potter Family, Severus Snape, and the Malfoy Family one. Do you wish to move these vaults into one?"

Dumbledore looked ready to explode, Minister Shacklebolt glared. "I want everything in those vaults sent to the Ministry."

Ironclaw spoke gobbledygook for a few minutes, turned, and smiled. "Everything is now in the Ministry. I must see to my paying clients. If you would please follow Hadek out." Hadek stepped out of the shadows.

A small group of goblins followed the naked, bald, spot men out of the bank. Once outside they pulled their wands and conjured robes up. "They are hiding something." One of the Aurors said.

"There is nothing we can do." Another responded.

Dumbledore looked back at the Gringott. "Come, we must get to the Ministry and see what we can find."

Before they can move a step, three Aurors come running up to them. "Minister, you are needed at the Ministry. Mr. Dumbledore, you are also requested."

"What happened?" Minister Shacklebolt asked.

"Parchment landed in the Atrium and everyone is now naked, bold, spotted, pink and the smell, wearing nappies, they have tails and antlers, Sir, it's bad. People are using the Bubblehead Charm." The Auror rushed out. He didn't want to point out that everyone was looking like the group in front of him.

The goblins standing at the doors to the bank waved. "May your day be profitable." Once back inside, they returned to themselves and everyone went into the concave and showed the various memories of what happened.