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"Dad."
"Everything is alright."
"Dad, I think we're lost."
"No, we aren't."
"We've passed these scented candles for the third time already."
Well, maybe that was true. And maybe they've been walking around the store for two hours now. And maybe Odysseus should finally accept the truth and admit that Poliporthes was right and they were lost.
"Okay, we might have wandered off a little," close enough.
The two of them stopped.
"Now what?"
Odysseus sighed. Good question, if only he knew the answer to it. The man dragged his hand over his face in frustration. Gods, it was supposed to be just a small family trip to IKEA, and yes, he heard about the stereotypes, but he never considered them to be true.
Suddenly it brought back rather unpleasant memories of his infamous work trip to another city around a decade ago. The most exhausting ten months of Odysseus' life. The two companies were constantly failing to reach compromise, Palamedes was an obnoxious asshole, and Paris kept hitting on Menelaus' wife instead of working, not taking any hints that she wasn't interested. Finally, during one of the meetings Hector lost his temper and threw a pencil holder at his younger brother, but Paris dodged at the last moment, and Patroclus was hit instead. The situation could've been deescalated, that is, if Achilles wasn't also present there. As soon as he saw his boyfriend get hurt, he flung himself enraged at Hector.
After that, all hell broke loose. The work meeting of respective people turned into some drunken bar fight, with everyone taking their frustration out on the opposing side. At least Helen got to kick Paris in the balls before Menelaus threw her over his shoulder and dashed out of the room. And if Odysseus indulged in good old friendly fire and hit Palamedes from behind with a (rather heavy) stack of paper, then no, he didn't, there is no proof, Diomedes was the only one looking in that direction and he, oh so unfortunately, got something in his eye right at that moment.
In the end the head office of Troy Inc. got set on fire. Somehow. Don't ask Odysseus how that happened, he doesn't know. It definitely wasn't his fault, the only thing he did was send a virus on Troy's corporative computers that, as soon as the device was turned on, would play a video of a cartoon horse dancing to crab rave in full screen.
After this whole mess was miraculously resolved, it was supposed to be a smooth return home. Or so Odysseus thought. Boy, never was he more wrong in his life. The journey, which should have taken only a couple of hours, took ten days. Cancelled flight, lost luggage, hurricane - his team collected a full combo. They had to rent a car, and when they made a stop at a gas station they got into an argument with some jock. Verbal fight rather quickly turned physical. And yes, maybe Odysseus punched the guy in the eye a little too hard, almost blinding him, but in his defense, that jock started it first, hitting Polites on the head with a bat and giving him concussion. While they waited for an ambulance, lo and behold, none other than Poseidon showed up, because of course the jock had to be related to the guy with whom Odysseus was not on good terms to begin with. After a shouting match that at one point turned into a competition of "who swears like a sailor more" and police involvement, a mutual monetary compensation was agreed on. Odysseus' wallet became six hundred bucks lighter, but Poseidon also paid for Polites' medical bill, so they were even.
However, the Fates were just getting started. A couple days later, they arrived at some small town. For some strange reason, the only hotel was located in a place that was impossible to drive to, so they had to walk on foot there. Eurylochus said they should follow the directions they were given by a local girl, yet Odysseus insisted on taking a shortcut claiming he knew what he was doing. He led them into a pack of stray dogs. Six of the team members were bitten and also had to be sent away to hospital for patching up and getting rabies shots. As a result, Odysseus got into a fight with his men, and the next morning they straight up left without him. Much later he learnt, that they got in trouble on their own anyway, accidentally hitting some farmer's cow with a car. (Eurylochus doesn't like to talk about that incident, because he got tased in the process. He was also the one behind the wheel.)
While that was transpiring, Odysseus was stuck in an old intercity bus. It was slow, stuffy and it rattled like it was gonna fall apart any minute, but it was taking him back to Ithaca. Until it wasn't. Because it was still an old bus, and it was just Odysseus' luck that the engine decided to die when he boarded that tin can. When the bus couldn't be reanimated even after five hours, Odysseus thought it wasn't worth the wait and decided to try hitchhiking. The guy who stopped seemed nice and civil, and easily agreed to drive an unfortunate traveller to his hometown. Except when Odysseus put his suitcase inside the trunk and was going to get in the car, the two-faced bastard locked the doors and drove off, leaving the flabbergasted man on the side of the road. And Odysseus' favorite sweater was in there too. Seriously, who the hell does that?!
The rest of the way to a nearby inhabited locality Odysseus had to go on foot. There he managed to rent a room for the night in a tiny house. It was situated in a godforsaken place, but it was cheap, all the money Odysseus had left just enough to pay for it. Thinking back, the owner girl did behave oddly and if he was less tired, he would've seen all the red flags for what they were, but alas, Odysseus wanted nothing more than sleep. He woke up in the middle of the night with tape over his mouth, his wrists tied together and the girl shoving her hand into his pants. Panicking, he kicked her off, his legs thankfully unrestricted, however she then darted out of the room and locked him inside, claiming that she would only release him if he agreed to go on a date with her. Moreso, the only window in the room was too tiny for a grown man to squeeze through. Odysseus had spent seven hours alternating between crying for help and pleading with the girl, until the Fates decided they had their fun and sent Athena and Hermes his way, who heard his cries. After that Hermes dealt with the crazy girl while Athena freed her prisoner. Odysseus then proceeded to sob on his mentor's shoulder for twenty minutes in their car.
When he calmed down, the pair drove him back to Ithaca, luckily with no mishaps on the way, although they had to drop him off in a ten minute walk from his house, because they were in a hurry to a court - something to do with Agamemnon and Clytemnestra's dumpster fire of a marriage.
And there Odysseus was, exhausted, unshaven, hungry, in stinking clothes, standing across the street from his house, watching his douchebag neighbor banging on his door and harassing his wife about letting him in because "he knew she was totally into him", since "she was definitely checking him out earlier" and "her old man of a husband was screwing that chick from the tea shop anyway". Odysseus was not, in fact, "screwing" Circe from the tea shop, he was sometimes visiting to taste test her new blends and suggest ideas to troll guys that sent her dick pics, the visits that Penelope was well aware about.
Needless to say, the douchebag was promptly beaten up. The next thing Odysseus knew, the douchebag's buddies materialized seemingly out of nowhere to aid their leader. They also had their asses kicked. Never underestimate the power of adrenaline and pent up anger. Them being distracted by Argos, whom Penelope "accidentally" let out of the house, and Telemachus shooting them from the window with his toy gun probably helped too. Athena must've been a miracle-worker, because Odysseus did not end up in jail for this incident.
And then finally, finally he could reunite with his wife.
The result of that reunion was currently standing next to Odysseus, holding a plush shark.
Long story short, the man had already suffered through one terrible journey home, he absolutely did not want to repeat this experience.
"Dad? Are we never gonna get out?" Poliporthes asked worryingly.
"Hey there, little warrior, none of that defeatist attitude, we'll be fine," Odysseus ruffled the boy's hair. He had to stay strong for his son. Besides, Penelope and Telemachus were waiting for them.
"Full speed ahead?" he raised his open palm.
"Full speed ahead," the boy nodded, returning the high-five.
And so the search for the exit continued. Except the Fates apparently were really bored recently and wanted one of their favorite jesters to entertain them again with his misery. Odysseus could've sworn those damn lamp stands operated on the principles of the weeping angels and were switching their positions while humans weren't looking. Not to mention the fact that they still haven't met a single living being. One would think the store would be more crowded on weekends.
Finally, after what felt like eternity, something caught Odysseus' eye. He took a better look. Oh, those were some good news.
"Now we're getting somewhere!" he couldn't help but exclaim.
"What's there?" Poliporthes followed his father's gaze.
"Our road to freedom, kid."
What the two of them were looking at was a line of arrow stickers on the floor, all pointing in the same direction.
"Full speed ahead?" Poliporthes noticeably cheered up.
"Whoever finishes first gets more meatballs!" Odysseus instead started jogging along the arrows.
"Hey, not fair!" at least his son was laughing.
They followed the trail, almost running, smiles growing on their faces as the exit was getting closer.
Or so they thought.
"What the fu- fudge?!" Odysseus barely restrained himself from resorting to foul language.
The arrows led them to a dead end. In front of them was a wall, an arrow pointing down slapped on it. That was a creative way to tell someone to go to Hell, for sure. Was this one of those stupid pranks? Were people gonna jump out of hiding, laughing and shoving cameras in their victims' faces? Because then only the presence of his son would prevent Odysseus from committing first-degree murder.
"Maybe we took the wrong turn?" Poliporthes still sounded hopeful.
They retraced their steps to where they were standing before, only to discover, that the path was completely straight. Then they ran back and forth between two spots in some foolish hope that the solid wall would turn into a door. At last they decided to go in the opposite direction.
Around fifteen minutes later, they found the beginning of the trail. The first arrow was peeking out from under the wardrobe, no signs of an actual exit in sight. Whoever placed those stickers in such a manner was a sadist, there was no other explanation.
Well, there was only one thing left to do in current situation.
Odysseus kneeled on the floor, clasped his hands together and closed his eyes in prayer. He was aware he wasn't a saint, and if this was his punishment for his past sins, then so be it, but Gods, please, his son was innocent, at least spare him from being trapped forever in this purgatory filled with cheap chairs!
***
In the creepy silence of IKEA the sudden sound of phone ringing was deafening. Poliporthes jumped up from the mattress he was lying on and pulled the device out of his pocket. It was Telemachus calling.
"Oh gods, I finally got through, guys, it's been… holy sh- four hours already, where are you?!"
"In the backrooms, it seems."
The boy could practically sense his brother rolling his eyes.
"Pol, I'm serious."
"Me too, we can't get out, there are ugly beds everywhere and we can't find anyone to ask where to go!"
"And what is dad doing?"
"Uh…" Poliporthes glanced over his shoulder. Their dad was sitting curled up on the floor, rocking back and forth and muttering to himself "this can't be happening, how does this keep happening", all while clutching Mako the shark for dear life.
"Wait," there was some rustling on the other end of the line, and then the boy heard his mother's voice:
"Poli, sweetie, can you pass the phone to dad for a moment?"
Of course, mom would know how to help, she was really smart after all!
***
"Ody, love, are you there?" as soon as he heard Penelope speaking Odysseus perked up.
"Yes, gods, it's some kind of nightmare," logically he understood they were only lost for hours, but it sure started to feel like days.
"So you don't know where you are?"
"Hate to admit it, but zero idea. It might be the bedroom section."
"Hold on, I think there were maps somewhere around here," a brief pause. "Found one. If you say you're close to the bedrooms, you should be going to-"
And then her voice cut off.
"Penny? Penelope?!" Odysseus stared at the black screen of the phone. He tried to turn it back on. An image of a battery with "0%" in its center appeared for a couple of seconds, and the blackness returned. The phone was now no more useful than a brick.
"I… forgot to charge it properly before leaving," Poliporthes said sheepishly.
Odysseus sighed. His own phone was lying forgotten at home.
"It's fine, everything will be fine, we'll be fine," the man stood up from the floor, returning his son's belongings back to him. Hearing his wife, even if for a few minutes, managed to lift his spirits. It wasn't over yet. There had to be something that could be done. Actually, an idea began forming in his head.
"Alright, let's try one thing," Odysseus picked Poliporthes up, and after some awkward climbing the boy was perched on his father's shoulders.
"Do you see anything?"
The kid was turning his head like an owl and squinting, until at one point his face brightened.
"There! A telescope!" he exclaimed excitedly, pointing somewhere to the east.
Ah, yes, a telescope. The one they've all passed earlier and the one Poliporthes has shown his older brother with the words "That's you!", which led to Telemachus grumble under his nose how he sometimes missed being an only child. That telescope. The familiar landmark. Luck seemed to be on their side at last. The duo hurried in that direction with newfound hope.
Suddenly, when Odysseus made a sharp turn around one of the racks, he bumped right into some guy.
"Whoops, didn't mean to," he quickly jumped back, while preventing himself from starting to cheer that they've met another living person. "By the way, we got a little lost here, if you could help us out, that would be really nice."
The guy turned to them. And the longer Odysseus was observing him, the more concerned he grew. Unkempt clothes could be understandable, even the unsteady way he stood too. But as for his unfocused stare and the smell of alcohol…
Great, wonderful, absolutely perfect. The first person they've stumbled across in hours just had to be drunk. How was he even let into the store in such a condition?!
The stranger remained silent. The tension in the air grew higher.
"On second thought, maybe we'll manage on our own," Odysseus began to slowly back away.
Unfortunately, that action seemed to wake the guy up from whatever trance he was in.
"You," he glared at the man. Then he pointed a knife at him. Odysseus instinctively pushed frightened Poliporthes behind him. The knife still had remains of cardboard attached to its handle, so at least that explained where the weapon came from. Certainly didn't explain how the IKEA staff missed an armed drunkard in the store.
"You thought I won't find you, you bastard?" the guy hissed, his speech a little slurred.
Splendid, simply splendid. Not only was he a drunkard, he just had to be the aggressive type.
"I'm fairly certain we've never met before," Odysseus said in the calmest tone he could muster, while continuing to back away, still shielding Poliporthes with his body.
"Ha, don't try to play dumb! Have you forgotten how you ditched my mom after learning that she was pregnant?!"
What?!
"Oh, but now I finally get to look into your shameless eyes, Ulysses!"
Who?!
"Okay, lad, you've clearly mistaken me for someone else. My name is actually Outis," it obviously wasn't, but Odysseus definitely wasn't going to tell this maniac his real name.
"You're gonna pay!" yet of course the inebriated guy wouldn't listen to reason. He charged at the man with a yell. And that was their cue to escape. Odysseus hoped he didn't dislocate his own son's shoulder with the way he pulled him in a hurry.
Now then, Odysseus himself could've easily gotten away, he was a pretty good runner even at his age. But this time he wasn't alone, forced to consider a lanky twelve-year-old following him. Not to mention they had to navigate a furniture maze, careful not to collide with shelves or trip on carpets. What's worse, their pursuer turned out to be incredibly stubborn, seemingly ready to chase them till the end of earth. And still not a single soul around that could help.
Finally, after some time of running and meandering, Odysseus glanced back and didn't see the guy chasing them. He slowed down, allowing both him and his son to catch a breath.
"Did we get away?" Poliporthes asked.
And just as Odysseus opened his mouth to answer, something rammed into him, and then he felt a burst of pain in his left side. The man recoiled, pressing his hand where he was hit and feeling something warm soak his clothes. He turned his head. There that drunk guy was, holding a bloodied knife. The smell of iron began filling the air.
The silence was broken by Poliporthes' scream:
"Leave my dad alone!"
Then he slammed the attacker with the poor shark. The element of surprise and the guy's state worked in the boy's favor - the stranger lost his balance and fell on his back, knocking down and breaking some vase with his head in the process.
While the guy was disoriented, Odysseus forced himself to move as fast as he could, dragging Poliporthes with him. It didn't matter for now where they were going, as long as it was as far away from that maniac as possible. He's been limping for a while, until his body couldn't take it anymore, and the man collapsed on the floor.
"Dad? Dad, please get up!" Poliporthes was on the verge of tears, gods, he couldn't stand seeing his child like this.
"It's alright, I just need a little rest," Odysseus stretched his lips in a poor attempt at smiling. At least they were finally safe.
The boy helped his father lean against the wall, and who was he trying to fool here, it absolutely was not alright. The wound hurt even more than the one he had gotten on his leg as a teenager when he had gone camping with his grandfather and uncles. The physical strain he's put on it just now and the hunger that has been growing during their prolonged wandering certainly weren't making his condition any better. He tried to move, yet his muscles refused to listen. The room was slowly starting to spin.
Is this truly how he was going to die? Bleed out on the floor in IKEA? Next to his crying son? Without getting to see the rest of his family one last time?
Penelope… Telemachus…
"Goodness, what happened here?!"
Some people say, that angels look like humans with big white wings. Some - that they look like flaming wheels covered in hundreds of eyes.
Odysseus now knew all of them were wrong. Angels looked like elderly ladies in bright clothes with a scent of pastry coming from them.
Not only did Hestia have a first-aid kit in her handbag, she also knew both their and the exit's exact locations. What's more, she turned out to be Athena's relative. The woman had such a calming presence, that Poliporthes' tears mostly dried up, and suddenly Odysseus himself genuinely believed that everything would be alright after all.
With that thought he fell into unconsciousness.
***
Next time Odysseus opened his eyes, he saw that he was in the hospital, surrounded by the worried faces of his wife and sons. Tears and clumsy embraces immediately followed.
During the days he had to spend in the hospital, Odysseus learnt that the guy - Telegonorrhea or whatever the hell his name was - got rather quickly arrested. After he got into a fight with Telemachus because he wouldn't stop bothering Penelope, and that was when the knife was discovered.
The man was also visited by his family and friends, their initial reaction mostly boiling down to "getting lost in IKEA is understandable, but how in the world did you manage to get stabbed in there?!"
Yeah, he definitely would be the talk of the office for the next couple of months.
***
"The doctor said you will be released tomorrow," this time only Penelope was visiting.
"Thank gods, I was ready to start crawling up the wall from boredom," Odysseus stretched out.
"I think I won't ever let you out of my sight in public," his wife sounded like she was only half-joking.
Odysseus awkwardly rolled on his (healthy) side to face her and took her hands in his:
"Penelope, my love, my heart, my soul, my other half, the most intelligent and beautiful woman I've ever met, my wife, mother of my children."
He paused to breathe and finished:
"Please promise me, that we will not go to IKEA ever again."