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Remus Ruzsa was inexplicably a ladies' man.
This was unfathomable for several reasons.
- Remus was gross. He was the kid poking around the swampy part of the playground until he found a big fat toad half buried in the muck, pulled it up and ran around to show everyone his prize.
- Remus was vulgar. The moment he discovered swearing from his father accidentally letting a singular “fuck” fly in a heated moment of road rage, he couldn’t get enough of making people blush and cringe at his gutter vocabulary.
- Remus was rough with his friends. He often initiated wrestling matches and punching contests, any way to test themselves against each other.
- Remus had no filter. His mind could fly a mile a minute and the disgusting drivel that resulted from his darkest thoughts could pop out at any moment.
- Remus knew from a very young age that he didn’t want to kiss girls.
This often upset his twin brother, Roman, for no good reason at all. If Remus didn’t know better, he’d think Roman was jealous of all the girls who wanted to hang out with him at the eighth grade formal. This was partially because Roman prided himself on being a perfect little gentleman, always polite, kind, generous and chivalrous. He often bragged that his biggest dream was to be a real life Disney Prince (as long as it didn’t involve kissing girls(because apparently the Ruzsa twins both had the queer genes)).
But of all his girls-who-are-just-friends, Remus always thought Lola Grey was really good at being one of the guys. She was the one girl always allowed at the twins’ birthday sleepovers, the one who hit back the hardest in a fight. She’d actually go with Remus to find bugs and critters in the corners of the playground.
Remus was sure they would be friends forever. At least, until Lola disappeared the summer between middle and high school.
And like most children, Remus missed his friend for a week or two before deciding to move on to the new excitement of finally being a “big kid” freshman.
It was nearly a week into the new school year when the new kid arrived in the Honors Physical Science class.
He was much too formally dressed, wearing a tie and polo like a complete nerd, but he walked in and made a bee line to sit next to Remus.
“Uh.. hi. Don’t think we’ve met before-”
“Hi Remus,” the boy interrupted, his voice cracking on the very first syllable.
“How do you-”
“My name is Logan. I um.. Do you... not remember me?” he asked quietly, trying to hide in the murmur of class room chatter before the homeroom bell.
“I’ve never met a Logan before- what, do we know each other from preschool?” Remus asked, utterly confused.
“I don’t have time to explain it right now, but we’ve been friends for a long time,” Logan replied in a rushed whisper as the bell rang and the teacher stood to start the class.
Remus spent the rest of class ignoring the instruction, taking glances at this mysterious new student and racking his brain for a “Logan”.
He could have kicked himself when Logan followed him to lunch and dragged him out to the picnic tables, picking the furthest one from the other students already seated and chatting about their summer trips and how it was far too early in the year for homework.
“What the fuck? Let go of me!” Remus tried to pull away from Logan’s grip on his arm, “unless this is some kind of kink and you’re coming onto me-”
“Remus, you know me. We’ve been friends for years! I- I- oh damn it this is too hard. I-” he lowered his voice until Remus could barely hear him over the rest of the chatter in the background, “please don’t freak out. I- used to go by Lola-”
“OH!”
“Keep it down!”
“Oh- oh sorry- what happened? I missed you this summer, girl!”
Logan winced, “that’s a long, not very fun story. But, I’m not a girl, please don’t call me one. Or my old name, I really don’t like it. I’m… fuck- I’m… have you ever heard of transgender?”
Remus opened his mouth to crack a joke, but something in Logan’s pleading look stopped him in his tracks, “no. But, you’re not a girl now.. You look like a total nerd and you’re going by a new name… does transgender have to do with all that? Lo- Lo gan .” Remus rolled the new syllable around his mouth, trying it out. Logan didn’t look that much like Lola, with short cut hair, no nonsense black rimmed glasses instead of Lola’s favorite star-sparkle covered ones. But Remus also noticed that Logan looked a lot more at ease than Lola ever had. He didn’t fidget with his jeans like Lola had always with her skirts. Lola had always fussed with her ponytail, yanking on it and cursing almost as badly as Remus when it got in her face.
Lola had always seemed like one of the boys. Maybe he always had been one of them.
Remus grinned as Logan nodded, “oh man- that’s fucking dope, dude! Wait until I tell Ro-”
“No!” Logan looked panicked, “No- please, please let me tell people? Can you keep it secret? I don’t… want people insisting on calling me by my dead name and teasing me, calling me a liar… Please don’t tell anyone , Remus. I- I need to be able to trust you.”
“Ro wouldn’t tease you or call you a liar,” Remus frowned, “but,” he looked around at the other tables, “I think I understand that others would. I won’t tell anyone. Can I ask a stupid question?”
Logan took a deep breath before sitting at the picnic table and gesturing for Remus to join him, “sure. Why not? I’ve been dealing with a lot of stupid questions my whole life.”
Remus sat, making sure to give Logan his space, “I’ve known you as… not Logan for a long time. How long have you known you were Logan?”
Logan took a moment to adjust his tie, fiddling with the tail of it around his long, slender fingers as he thought about his answer. Remus had never noticed his fingers before, or how graceful they looked even when fidgeting.
“Several years, probably since the start of middle school when people started getting weird about girl things versus boy things. I didn’t understand myself as a girl, and I was really unhappy. Hanging out with you always felt like an adventure that could distract me from all that. Because you didn’t care about girl things being for girls and boy things being for boys.” Logan explained softly.
Remus nodded and hesitantly reached for Logan’s shoulder but pulled his hand back before touching him, “right. I was just glad to do fun things with my friend. Can we be friends again?”
Logan chuckled, “when did we stop?”
“I dunno, I feel like I have to reintroduce myself,” Remus laughed, trying not to blush when he caught Logan’s eyes gleaming at the sound.
“Well alright then,” Logan grinned, offering a hand, “hello. My name is Logan Grey.”
Remus took his hand and shook it hard, “hi! My name is Remus Ruzsa. Nice to meet you, Logan.”
“It’s nice to meet you too,” Logan squeezed his hand and Remus felt his pulse skip a beat.
—
Now reunited, Remus and Logan were as fast friends as they had been before that summer. Logan took the time to help educate Remus about queer identities, which was quite eye-opening for him and helped explain the whole super cooties he’d felt around girls as well as burgeoning thoughts about boys, even as other friends started sweating and stuttering over their crushes over the girls in their grade. Logan also explained the hell on earth he'd suffered that summer, and the details made Remus furious that anyone could treat his friend so poorly.
Remus kept his mouth shut about Logan’s previous identity, but word still spread around school as other students put the pieces together. So Remus made it his personal mission to make life a living hell for those who chose to harass and bully Logan for being himself. Couldn’t they see he was much happier and relaxed now? Didn’t they care about how much their taunts threatened that precious, rare smile?
High school fucking sucked. But Remus made sure Logan knew he always had a defender and friend who would be by his side no matter what. He could stomach the slurs being turned his way. He could take a beating and give one just as well if not better. Because it was always worth it when Logan would smile and thank him for getting them off his back.
Remus learned about Hormone Replacement Therapy, and celebrated with Logan when the testosterone started to cover his chin with fine beard hair, nearly invisible at first. He thought it made Logan really hot, even if he couldn’t admit that to his friend.
He could never admit his growing crush, because he didn’t want Logan to feel like they were only friends so Remus could chase him. He was happy enough to make his friend smile whenever he could.
—
“So, Duke,” Logan started, picking at a cup of chopped fruits and refusing to look up and make eye contact.
“Yeah? What’s up, Logan?” Remus asked, heart leaping at the nickname for the umpteenth time that week.
“Well, you know the Spring Formal is coming up in a few weeks,” Logan answered, shyly looking up, “and I completely understand if you don’t want to- but would you want to go together?”
Remus blinked, brain taking a moment to catch up after his heart shot off into the sky like a rocket.
“A school dance? Where popular jerks all grind on each other trying to make babies on the dance floor while the chaperones sneak them alcohol? You want to go to one of those?” Remus asked.
“I just think it would be fun to go with you. As a friend-” Logan added hastily.
Remus bit back a sting of disappointment. Logan just wanted to go as friends, of course. He nodded softly.
“Sure, do you want me to ask Roman if we can join his group? I think it’s a mix of friends and couples, so a bit less awkward,” Remus offered, “no homophobes allowed, obvs.”
Logan nodded once, “that sounds like a logical decision,” he concluded, stabbing a grape a bit more than forcibly.
“We should totally match though, that would be fun,” Remus suggested quickly. He grinned as Logan smiled at the suggestion.
“Yeah, I’d like that,” Logan agreed.
—
“Are you ready for pictures yet? Everyone else is waiting for you!” Roman pounded on Remus’ bedroom door.
“Hold your tits! I’ll be there in a minute, you impatient ass!” Remus yelled back, staring at himself in the mirror. Formal wear did not suit him at all and he felt incredibly uncomfortable. And if he felt uncomfortable, how in the hell was he going to make sure Logan had a good time tonight. That was his mission and he would not slack off just because his legs were suffocating in slacks.
“Remus, I swear on the Hamilton playbook I will strangle you if you make us late!” Roman continued. Remus rolled his eyes and swung his door open, bumping into Roman completely and totally by accident.
“Fuck you! Now I have to touch up my make up!” Roman whined, running off to his own room. Remus was thankful yet again that their parents had split them into separate rooms before one of them had committed fratricide years ago.
Remus took a deep breath and tugged at the sparkly green bow tie constricting his collar before heading downstairs, Roman quickly following behind him and berating him for being so clumsy. Remus kept trying to wave his brother off until he was stopped in his tracks, causing Roman to run right into his back.
Logan was distracted, talking with Roman’s date, a sophomore boy who Remus didn’t really know. He didn’t really care to know, because Logan was dressed in a well-cut navy blue suit with subtle silver star embellishments swirling along the sleeves and collar. He looked absolutely stunning and Remus was finding it hard to breathe.
“Oh my god. Move!” Roman shoved him, sending Remus stumbling down the last few steps. Both Logan and Roman’s date looked up at the interruption, and Roman strode past to go flirt with his own date.
Remus found himself lost in Logan’s gaze, appreciating the soft silver glitter rimming his eyes, bringing forward their soft brownness.
“Hi, you look… absolutely… miserable in that suit,” Logan covered his mouth and laughed.
Remus blinked then took a step forward, “well luckily, you look absolutely amazing in yours. How do you feel?”
Logan smiled and adjusted his sleeves, “I feel… confident, and handsome. It feels so right, you know?”
Remus smiled, “you look confident and- it looks very natural. Are you ready for pictures?”
“As ready as I can be. I’m sure you’ll feel better if you relax,” Logan offered his arm to Remus. Remus took it and followed him outside.
One flurry of paparazzi parents later, the pair found themselves in a small party bus with Roman, his date (Janus, apparently), and another few couples. Remus was annoyed that Roman had apparently lied about there being other friend pairs in the group. The driver was playing the music too loud for much conversation and everyone quickly started having a good time dancing in their seats and cuddling with their dates.
Everyone except Logan.
Remus frowned and leaned close, his lips practically making contact with his ear, “are you okay?”
Logan nodded, but Remus wasn’t fooled, so he made an executive decision, reaching to grab Logan’s hand. Time froze as Remus forced his hand forward until his finger tips made contact with the back of Logan’s hand. Logan looked a bit surprised but didn’t pull away as Remus held his hand.
“We’ll have fun together, right?” Remus asked.
“Yes, please,” Logan nodded.
“Tell me if I get too touchy, please?” Remus asked next, squeezing Logan’s hand.
It was hard to tell but it seemed that Logan was blushing softly, the flush highlighting the silver sparkles under his eyes even more, “I don’t think that will be an issue.”
Remus laughed, “dude, do you know me? I could make all these motherfuckers so uncomfortable.”
Logan chuckled, “I don’t think they’re paying attention to us, and you can’t make me uncomfortable, Duke.”
Remus grinned, “oh, we’ll see about that.”
—
They piled out of the bus and hit the dance floor as soon as their tickets had been collected. Through all the strobing lights and lasers from the DJ booth, the tacky decorations the student council had hastily put up after school the day before, and the throngs of students all dancing like limp noodles dealing with spines for the first times in their lives, Remus found his eyes constantly drawn back to watching Logan. He moved with grace and precision that everyone else seemed to lack.
Remus about panicked the first time the DJ played a slow song. Everyone else paired off, guys holding their girls close at the hips and the girls wrapping their arms around their guy’s necks. The group of queer friends they came with also paired off with their dates. Remus was ready to go find drinks or sit on the sidelines with the wallflowers who’d come without dates as well when Logan met his eyes.
“Dance with me?” Logan asked, holding out his hand.
Remus could barely hear the music over his heartbeat, but took the offered hand and pulled Logan into a ball room dance hold as if by instinct (finally a good use for the lessons he and Roman had taken in scouts all those years). Logan gasped but fell into place, letting Remus lead.
“Don’t you know how to lead?” Remus asked, “I know you always tried to mimic the way Ro and I would dance, and we were taught lead.”
Logan smiled, “maybe, but you’re better at it than me. I just wanted to dance with you.”
“As friends?” Remus asked, hoping that bit of normalcy could calm his raging nerves.
“Not really,” Logan replied, and the dance started to fade away around them until it was just Logan, Remus, and a slow crooner melody weaving between their steps.
“Not friends?” Remus asked, heart pounding so hard he was sure it was leaping from his chest like a classic cartoon.
“You’ve always been my best friend,” Logan replied, “but, now that I’m not worried about figuring out who I am, I’ve realized how much I care about you. It feels different than friendship. But if friendship is all you want, we can stop-” Logan bit at his lip and started to pull away.
“No! Logan- don’t stop dancing, please,” Remus replied quickly, keeping a strong hold on him. His mind raced for how to respond. “I never wanted to make you think that your transition changed the way I felt about you. I think I realized how much I liked the person you’ve always been, no matter your name, hormones, surgeries; I’ve always liked you. I was just a bit blinded when I thought you were a girl, and I was wrong, thank god. You’re fucking amazing- and so hot, and smart and curious, and that’s always been the kind of person you were. You’re just more him now than you were back then.”
Remus felt dizzy with the wave of emotions that passed over him from that confession, but he was brought back to the moment by Logan’s dazzling full smile. He just adored the slightly crooked way his lips pulled over his teeth into a wide grin that Remus could only describe as a look of joy.
“You really mean it?” Logan asked, stepping closer to Remus and stopping their dancing in its tracks.
“Of course I do,” Remus nodded, surprised as his hand came up to cup Logan’s cheek, his thumb running softly over his jaw and stubbly beard. He swallowed hard, feeling the heat rising up into Logan’s face.
“Can I kiss you?”
“I don’t know, can you?” Remus replied, his mouth on autopilot as a thousand fireworks flooded his brain.
Logan didn’t hesitate, tiptoeing up and planting a hard kiss right on Remus’ lips.
So Remus kissed him right the fuck back.