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“Charlie, what are you doing? I’m the birthday boy; you know I get first say on any films we’re watching!” Tao harrumphed as Charlie fiddled with the TV.
Tao, Elle, Nick, and Sai were sitting in Nick and Charlie’s living room, drinking beers and ciders, gorging themselves on extravagant delicacies from the artisanal donut shop down the street. The Pineapple Cilantro special was a surprise hit along with the seasonal Creme Brulee filled, yeasted donut that Nick had tried and failed to replicate no fewer than five times in the last few months. Charlie happily munched on his corn-dog donut while using his dominant hand to cue up the video.
“Tao, this is our gift to you. A tribute to your character.” Charlie said as he settled down onto Nick’s lap and pressed play.
—-
[The camera focused on Elle’s face]
“No one works harder than my Tao. He would never tell anyone this, but he works so hard because he wants to understand people better. His compassion and kindness is in his blood, his bones. He has such a humble heart. He wants to meet people where they’re at, to empathize with them. That’s really why he takes on all these crazy jobs.
“I mean, he’ll say it’s ‘for the stories,’” Elle says with finger quotes, “but he’s really after those stories because he cares so much for the people he meets in these jobs.”
Elle grabbed Tao’s hand and kissed the back of it. Tao lowered his head to lean against hers.
[Photo collage of Tao at many different jobs: wearing a hairnet and serving food in the dining commons at Hopkins, dressed as a Christmas elf in a mall, leading a pony around in a circle for pony rides at a birthday party, behind seven different cash registers in various uniforms, and in a lake with some unknown student teaching them to waterski]
[slideshow style transition to the camera focused on Nick]
“Char?” Nick prompted, brushing his hair off his forehead. “You ready?”
[From behind the camera, Charlie’s voice]
“Sorry, was just thinking about your hair,” Charlie responded, far breathier than he intended.
Tao shot Charlie a look. “Seriously? You included your blatant flirting in my birthday video?”
Charlie winked at him cheekily. “Just think of it as payback for the caesar salad incident.”
Everyone turned toward Charlie. “The what now?” Sai asked.
“You promised!” Tao grumbled.
“Pay attention to the video and we’ll never talk about it again,” Charlie promised.
Tao grunted, but otherwise stayed silent. After a few beats, everyone refocused on the video.
“So, Nick, what’s your favorite of Tao’s harem of seasonal/short-term jobs?” Charlie asked.
Nick smiled with the enthusiasm of someone who was asked to talk about their favorite baked good. “Without a doubt, when we worked together at Chuck E. Cheese. Even if I was forced to work in the kitchen making disgusting pizza and he didn’t appreciate the honor of dressing in the mouse costume! He used to look like he was walking the plank when he trudged to the red door of the dressing room, as if it were a punishment! If only I had fit in the costume…” Nick daydreamed wistfully.
“You never had to wear the sweaty, never cleaned, eight-pound head!” Tao shot back at Nick. “The furry hands were literally tacky with child stickiness! The parents were always groping me and the kids would kick and punch me, and don’t even get me started on the smell–”
Elle reached up and covered Tao’s mouth.
“What’s your favorite story from when Tao had that job?” Charlie continued.
“Definitely the night our supervisor was hiding in the back office with a hangover and we let in a group of college kids celebrating their twenty-first birthday because we were super slow. Tao challenged them to an arcade tournament while he wore the Chuck E. Cheese costume, and wiped the floor with them, winning like two-hundred dollars. I made them my famous garlic-cheesy-bread-pizza that was miles better than anything on the menu, and then we all got drunk on shit beer and sang along with the animatronic mouse until close.”
“That playlist was on a fifty-seven minute loop,” Tao shouted to the room. “And they only changed it every three months!”
Charlie’s laugh filled the mic. “Your off-menu cheesy bread pizza still lives rent free in my brain.”
“I’ll make you some later. I know how you like it.” Nick smiled and winked at Charlie.
Tao made a retching sound.
“What ridiculous job should Tao take next?”
“Professional dog walker,” Nick offered. “Because he constantly tells me he’s better with animals than I am, Char. Can you believe it? As if he’d be a better dog walker than me! Dogs love me. This is my formal challenge, Tao!”
[Star transition to Sai]
“Sai, What’s your favorite of Tao’s harem of seasonal/short-term jobs?” Charlie’s disembodied voice asked.
“Oh, God. I love them all. But I would have to say that time he worked at Four Seasons Total Landscaping.”
Tao sighed. “This isn’t a birthday present; this is a roasting.”
Sai held out his hands. “We only roast the people we love.”
“Why is that your favorite of Tao’s jobs?”
“Well, I thought it was fucking hilarious that he just happened to be working there when those psychotic fascists showed up. And then of course they blew up—in popularity, obviously, not literally—after that, and Tao got promoted to manager within like three weeks of working there. I also just thought the whole concept of him working in a warehouse like that was hysterical because that man has never lifted anything heavier than a teapot in his entire life.”
Elle raised an eyebrow. “I am definitely heavier than a teapot and Tao has no problem lifting me against the wall and–”
Charlie put his hands over his ears. “LALALALA”
Tao interrupted Elle with a kiss. “That’s just for us, babe.”
“Now I know better than to let you guilt me into carrying heavy shit for you, asshole,” Sai grumbled.
“HEY! NO CALLING THE BIRTHDAY BOY AN ASSHOLE!” Tao shouted, until Charlie’s voice on the video continued.
“What’s your favorite story from when Tao had that job?”
“Obviously my favorite story is that Tao drove the same fucking forklift on the daily as was used in their superbowl commercial. Like, Tao, of all people, driving a forklift. He’s a secret badass, everybody! Hilarious to think about this lanky ‘film’ pedant being a motherfuckin’ baller operator of heavy machinery like the kind the medicine bottles warn you about, then you add in the fact that it’s like, kind of a famous forklift? God. It just cracks me up to think about.”
Sai held out his phone with a photo of the forklift to show the room, as if he hadn’t done so at every trivia night after one too many drinks.
“What ridiculous job should Tao take next?”
“I’d like to see Tao take on more jobs that require brute strength but then use machines for it, like he could be a bouncer at a nightclub with a backup bulky android/robot. Or hell, I’d pay good money to watch him work with Nick on putting up drywall for a day. Tao holding his arms above his head for more than 30 seconds would crack me up, let alone holding drywall up to the ceiling,” Sai says between laughs.
When Elle came on the screen, Tao whooped. “Look at the most beautiful woman in the world!”
“Yet Nick and I flirt too much?” Charlie teased.
“Nick is not a beautiful woman.”
“No, but he is my babygirl.” Despite sitting right on Nick’s lap, Charlie blew a kiss to Nick, who pretended to catch it and tuck it into his pocket.
“I will throw up on you,” Tao warned. “Shut up and let me watch my babygirl.” Elle leaned over and kissed his cheek.
“Elle, what’s your favorite of Tao’s harem of seasonal/short-term jobs?” Charlie asked.
The tinkling bell sound of Elle’s laugh floated through the air. “Definitely the sex toy shop.”
The room erupted with a mix of cheers and groans. Tao shushed everyone.
“I am loath to ask, but why is it your favorite?”
“Employee discount,” Elle explained, biting her lower lip. “The collection of toys, lingerie, lube, massage oil, books, and dirty games we amassed was impressive. There was this one time–”
The video fast-forwarded, cutting off the rest of Elle’s explanation.
“I’ll send you the unedited clip later,” Charlie promised Tao. “I figured I’d spare our friends for once.”
Tao huffed. “As if we’ve never heard you have sex. Prude.”
“Says the guy who was pretending to throw up when Nick flirted with me?” Charlie shot back.
Tao tipped his beer in acknowledgement.
The video resumed playing.
“What’s your favorite story from when Tao had that job?”
Elle wrinkled her nose. “I’ll keep the dressing room story to myself.”
Tao leaned over and kissed Elle before refocusing on the video.
“But,” Elle continued, “remember when Tao discovered the store carried DVDs of porn remakes of blockbuster movies?”
Charlie laughed. “Oh my god, I had successfully blocked that out of my brain. Thanks for that reminder, Elle.”
“Every movie night for two months, he made us watch the original movie followed by the porn, while holding the script to compare. The one based on The Crow made him so mad because they had gender swapped the main character, and then put her in pearls.”
“Oh my god, what was it called? Phoenix Rising?” Charlie guessed.
“Yes!” Elle confirmed. “I can’t even remember anything about the porn itself. Only Tao’s incessant complaining. At least he liked The Pirates of the Caribbean one better.”
Nick sucked in a sharp breath, his cheeks flushing. “There’s a Pirates porn?”
Charlie smiled as if he just discovered the cheat codes to a video game halfway through a competition. “Yeah, baby. We can get a copy.”
“It’s not just a regular porn,” Tao huffed. “Pirates won eleven Adult Video News awards, two X-Rated Critics Organization awards, had its own soundtrack, and at the time was the most expensive porn ever made, until the sequel, whose budget was eight times that of the first!”
Nick blinked at Tao. “Whoa.”
Tao nodded. “I have the collector’s edition. I’ll let you borrow it as long as you don’t get any… thing on it.”
“What ridiculous job should Tao take next?” Charlie’s interview voice redirected their attention back to the video.
Elle smiled and looked up at the camera through her lashes. “I’m hoping he’ll find another sex toy store. I hear Condom Kingdom is hiring…”
[1990s powerpoint style transition including the audio of a phone ringing: Charlie iswas now on the screen]
“Alright, Char, what’s your favorite of Tao’s harem of seasonal slash short-term jobs?” Nick asked from behind the camera.
Tao stared at present-day Charlie, as if he could control what Charlie said on a video that was recorded weeks ago.
“I am going to have to go for the one he had way back in that first year at Hopkins, where he went around changing the movie posters at the 36-screen theatre. I think the title was something absurd like ‘Marketing Update Specialist’ or whatever.”
“Why is that your favorite, Char?” Nick prompted. Charlie winked at Nick as if to say ‘good job, baby’ and then giggled in a way that betrayed the fact that Nick’s face had just turned beet red behind the camera.
“Because Tao would complain constantly about the most hilarious things, and for months it was a guaranteed belly laugh for me if I just asked him how his job was going.”
“What’s your favorite story from Tao’s time as a Marketing Update Specialist?” Nick asked.
“Oh god, it has to be the horses. For something like four months every week there’d be at least one new movie poster featuring a horse, sometimes multiple. It was a riot. He’d complain about the horse in the field, and the horse running up a hill, and the horse in a stable, and the horse on a racetrack and the horse’s huge blown-up ass right in his face. He was constantly whinging about the horses and all their horse parts that he was way too intimately familiar with.
“Like he didn’t mind getting his face all up in Keira Knightley’s, or even Jason Mamoa’s furry chest, but god forbid he’d have to run his palms down a two-dimensional depiction of a horse. Like we get it, Tao, but why are you so upset about horses making an appearance in movie posters?”
“There were so many horses!” Tao defended. “Why do we need this many horse movies?”
Charlie laughed and laughed, joined from time to time by Nick’s chortling behind the lens.
“Char, what ridiculous job should Tao take next?”
“Pink Pony Club Dancer.”
[a custom horse-shaped transition reveals a poorly photo-shopped image of Tao dressed in lingerie pole-dancing with a neon light in the background declaring PINK PONY CLUB as the song plays through the speakers of the TV]
—-
Tao turned to Elle with his brow furrowed in confusion, “Elle, you didn’t tell them?”
“Babe! You swore me to secrecy! I would never!”
“TELL US WHAT TAO!?” the other three friends shrieked.
“Back in 2019 I took a job as an exotic dancer for a couple weeks. It was awful. 0/10 would not recommend. I am so mad I didn’t get the estate sale job instead,” Tao said, somehow unphased by the vulnerability of his confession, instead focused on the injustice of the estate sale.
“Babe, sorry about the estate sale, but that job was only awful because you couldn’t dance for shit. I made bank.” Elle said, equally nonchalantly.