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Neil feels as though he has had an amazing day, nothing had gone wrong and the buzz he had felt after performing again was so good. Still, there's a sadness lingering inside him and Olly’s name is on his mind again. How he wishes he could still call Olly late at night, lie next to him and whisper softly about his day. He misses being able to share this with him, being able to share his truest self and all the little stories he wouldn’t tell to someone else. He misses how easy it was to be with him, had been from day one, the way he had felt close to Olly and the way Olly had understood him. He misses how truly intimate they had been.
But he can't, he can't call Olly. And Olly will never lie beside him again. They don't even really talk anymore, so this fucking fantasy of lying next to him is just bloody ridiculous. Olly’s not his anymore. He has moved on and he’s probably having a laugh about Neil with his new boyfriend. Stupid Neil who is stuck wanting something he can't have.
Not for the first time since the break up Neil feels like a fucking joke. And all the pain, the hurt and the anger come rushing back. His hands shake, his chest hurts and tears roll down his cheeks. Come on, get a grip, he thinks. And then, because his brain is a traitor, he thinks, Olly could help me feel okay.
Olly won't help him. Olly doesn't fucking care anymore. He’s being all successful at life and being happy with his new boyfriend. Neil wonders how the guy kisses Olly and the image cuts deep. Then he wonders if he knows all of Olly’s favourite songs for different occasions and if this new guy knows all of the little things Olly likes. He wonders if that new guy is in love with Olly’s laugh, that little one he had at 3 am laughing softly when he and Neil were talking. He wonders if that new guy cares about Olly as much as he does, cause if he doesn't well- Neil doesn't finish the thought he has no right to be protective of Olly. Olly’s not his anything anymore.
Neil grabs his phone, wonders whether to call Olly just to try if he picks up. But he knows Olly wouldn’t and imagines him with his boyfriend, kissing and lying on Olly’s bed. So Neil opens twitter instead and types. Focuses on spelling the words right, despite his shaking hands. Types and retypes the tweet a few times, cause he needs to get this right at least.
i just want to lie down next to you and tell you about my day
It’s better than calling Olly, he has to remind himself. And then he laughs a little, feeling so silly constantly being stuck in this dark place. He has the world at his feet and the only thing he wants is the thing he can't have. It’s like the universe is playing games with him and if there's a god out there somewhere, Neil is sure he’s having a great time making fun of Neil.
Sometimes Neil wonders if he and Olly are playing some sort of game too. But then he remembers how cold and cruel Olly’s words had sounded when he said, “I don't want you anymore.” He might as well have stabbed Neil because that's what it felt like. He took Neil’s heart and smashed it into a million pieces. Neil feels a little mean but he can’t help hoping he’ll do the same to this new guy, that it’s not just Neil he breaks.
The sound of his phone ringing startles Neil out of his dark thoughts, he wasn't expecting anyone to call him right now. He worries if something has happened to Maya, is briefly relieved when he sees that it’s Olly calling. Then he’s worried again, worried at the things Olly might say and wonders if it’ll hurt him. Neil decides he’ll like the pain and answers.
“hey.” he says softly, voice as fragile as he feels.
“hey.” Olly replies, “I saw your tweet and I-.” Olly stops mid sentence and the awkward silence makes Neil’s fears grow.
“Please don't laugh at me.” Neil knows he sounds scared.
“No, I just. I just was hoping it was me you wanted to talk to.” Olly says quickly, his voice sounding warm and Neil thinks he can feel it in his bones.
“I was hoping you’d talk with me yes.” He admits, “didn’t think you would after our last talk.” Olly had sounded so harsh during their last talk, the memory makes Neil’s limbs go cold.
“I do want to talk with you,” Olly says, “Obviously.” he adds a heartbeat later. “i’m sorry for last time, I know it’s not an excuse but I was extremely out of it…. I stopped taking my meds. I-I barely remember a word I said to you.” he is stumbling over his words and somehow that's why Neil can tell he is being genuine.
“It’s, it’s….” Neil has to take a deep breath, “It hurt... but it’s fine, it’s fine.” Then he breaks down, tears come flooding out. He’s pretty sure Olly is crying too.
Neil remembers the last time they were like this, crying over the phone. Missing each other so fucking much. They were miles apart, hadn't seen each other in ages and it was so damn hard. Neil wonders if that’s when Olly started to doubt about their future. If that's when Olly gave up on him, on them.
He doesn't blame Olly, not really. Because he figures he’d have given up on himself too, with what a fucking mess he’s become. That didn't mean it didn’t hurt, that it didn't nearly kill him. But Neil understood. He just wishes that would help him feel better and it doesn't.
Now that he has had Olly in his life, all his colour,his love, his beautiful soul and all those amazing moments they shared, life without him is dull and gray and painful. He remembers Olly teasing him from the pool when they were in cornwall, daring Neil to come in and splashing water on him before pulling Neil in and kissing him. And he lost that, he lost the one part of his life that always made sense, lost a part of himself really. It makes Neil hate his life, makes him hate himself and no matter how happy he tries to be it’s too hard without Olly. He’d do anything to have him back. He’d do anything to end this pain.
“It’s not fine.” Olly says after a while, “It’s not fucking fine.” Neil can hear the slight tremble in his voice. The one Olly always got when he was nervous or excited about something. Neil hates that he has made Olly nervous, because no matter how much Olly has hurt him he wants him to have the world.
“It’s fine if you don’t love me Olly,” Neil’s lip quivers, “I’ll live I guess.” He knows he won’t survive that, that he’d rather die, but he needs Olly to think he is still that strong person he always pretended to be. Needs Olly to think that this doesn’t affect him one bit. Needs him to think he is still good, strong, Neil who has his shit together and his life figured out. Not this broken mess he has become.
“But I do love you.” Olly cries out. “So much.”
“What about Lewis?” Neil asks softly, waiting for everything to go to hell again. He realises that this is the first time he has ever said the bloke’s name. He hates him, and he knows it’s petty but he’ll hate anyone who gets to have Olly. He loathes anyone who can touch him and receives his love and affection.
“It was never anything serious but...I broke up with him before I called you. He and I are done.” Olly says, “There’s only one person in this world I want and it’s not him and it will never be him.” Neil’s not sure if Olly realises how much hope his words bring. How his words and his warmth are saving Neil’s life.
“Please let it be me.” Neil whispers, fragile and vulnerable.
“It will always be you, Neil.” Olly says and Neil can feel the sadness weaken. All the weariness he’d been feeling for the past few months leaves his body and he feels a will to live and to hope and to love that he hasn’t in a long time. It’s almost crazy, how much one person can affect him, Neil thinks. But he wouldn’t have it any other way.
“You’ll always be the one for me too.” Neil says, sounding warm and happy. Light, even. None of the darkness left in his voice and in his eyes. “Can I see you while you are on tour abroad?” He asks softly.
“Please, yes.” Olly says eagerly. “Just say when and I’ll send you all the details.” He says it with such excitement that Neil almost forgets everything that happened between them.
“I’ve missed this, and you.” Neil bites his lip and smiles.
“I’ve missed you too.” Olly replies.
They switch to facetime not much later and talk and talk through the night until they both fall asleep. Neither of them having felt this fucking good since they parted. Neither of them had been filled with so much hope before.
It’s good, Neil thinks when he wakes up and sees Olly’s sleeping face still on his screen, it’s finally good.