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Hermione Granger was driving a car for the first time in more than a decade. And she was on a very important mission. This was some top secret stuff. It required a certain kind of attention to detail that she knew only she herself was able to deliver. She needed the level of foc—
“MUMMY!”
Shit.
“Yes, darling?”
A giggle erupted from the backseat of the car. Dark curls bounced back and forth as the car gently swerved around a bend in the road.
“When am I gonna get a hot diggity dog?”
Hermione cringed a little at this. Dammit, Aunt Nicole. Leave it to her aunt to coin the term “hot diggity dog” and introduce it to her children who’d never even had a proper hot dog before.
Now here they were driving on the wrong side of the road in the land of hot dogs.
She was glad to have escaped the annual memorial ball hosted by the Ministry. But she wasn’t entirely sure yet that escaping to America to visit an eccentric (but beloved) family member was supposed to be the better alternative. She loved her favorite (and only) aunt, but she was feeling slightly wary about visiting the U.S. for the first time. This was clown country at this point. The sole reason she’d agreed to come was because it was the first time her aunt invited them out (“I miss you all dearly!”) and she did miss her as well. She hadn’t seen her for two years since she’d first left Britain to marry her American wife. Her parents also missed seeing their favorite (and only) grandchild and insisted on taking this trip together. It’ll be a fun family trip, they said. We’ll be there to help with our granddaughter as well, they said.
Her parents were currently getting drunk off wine and not in any state to be watching their grandchildren. And it was only half past noon. These American BBQs and pool parties were no joke.
As a result, her husband (bless his Not Actually Black heart) was helping with some set up at the house, while she took their daughter with her on this important errand. Okay, so it wasn’t actually Super Important and Secret. She just needed some quiet away from all the rowdiness in the house. So she volunteered to go pick up some supplies for their party that weekend. It was her aunt’s wedding anniversary and they insisted on throwing a party to include all the people that couldn’t make it to the original wedding a couple years back.
Something about driving and going out to run errands was soothing in a way. Once she got a feel for the driving part again, it was nice to mull over some thoughts as she smoothly drove down the road.
In her current stage of life, Hermione surprised no one by deciding to take up writing—in this case, a project she had decided to title Hogwarts, A House Elf History. The title came surprisingly easily this time, despite the internal battles she sometimes had with titles. It came to her almost immediately actually. But now, she was stuck on the end portion of her outline. A large portion of the book would consist of interviews she conducted with different house elves. After all, it was their voices that she wanted to uplift and to project into the world. But to wrap things up in her own words without overstepping was another matter and she was still trying to figure it out.
Now if only she could remember what train of thought she'd been trying to follow the other day…
“HOT DIGGITY DOG!!” Her daughter yelled once more as she flailed excitedly and a kick to the back of her seat knocked Hermione out of her thoughts once more.
“Alright love, we’ll be there soon,” she said and glanced at the navigation on her mobile device. These things were quite advanced these days. “It says only five more minutes!”
She heard her daughter making a thinking noise and then she said, “So that means we’ve been driving for… fifteen minutes? Because before we left, you said it was a twenty minute drive!” Without turning to look, Hermione could hear the proud beaming smile in her voice. She’d been very interested in maths recently. She couldn’t remember being this interested in maths at her age (she’d already started burying her nose in books) but it was sweet to see her five year old being enthusiastic about some sort of academic pursuit.
“That’s correct! Excellent calculations, Miss Snape,” Hermione declared in her best teacher voice. She received a giggle in return. She then glanced at the directions and made the turn accordingly. The turn felt wrong though, because clearly she was driving on the wrong side of the road. It’s fine, we’re here and we made it in one piece.
“Are we here, Mummy?”
“Yes, I just have to park now. Oh, there are quite a few cars here… This might take a while.” Hermione carefully drove around the large car park trying to find an open spot. After what felt like ages (though it was probably more like 10 minutes), she finally managed to spot a family who had just finished putting away their shopping and returning their trolley.
“Merlin, I hope this hot dog is worth it,” she murmured absent-mindedly as she turned into a larger parking spot than she was used to. Everything really is bigger here, Hermione mused as she got out of the car and turned to retrieve her child from the backseat.
She was kicking her feet excitedly when the car door opened. “Is it time for the hot diggity dog?” An excited whisper. Hermione laughed as she unbuckled her straps and helped her down. “Yes, we can go take a look at the food court first.”
“Yaaaay!” She hopped out of the car and immediately tugged on her mother’s hand to go. She swung her arms excitedly as they headed towards the entrance..
Five minutes later on a cloudy day in Southern California, Athena Rose Snape ate her very first Costco hot dog. With just a tiny bit of mustard and some relish. No ketchup. They were a no ketchup family.
“It’s tasty! It’s the biggest hot dog I’ve ever seen! And it looks just like the ones in picture books!”
Clearly, the trip had been worth it.
—
(A few days later, still in the U.S.)
“Where the hell am I being dragged this time?”
Severus Snape grumbled as he sat with legs slightly cramped in the passenger seat of a car.
“So,” Hermione started with a nervous laugh. “I can’t promise you won’t hate it. But I can promise we won’t leave empty handed?”
He then found himself grumbling through the wide aisles of Costco as Hermione pushed the cart next to him. Their daughter held onto the side of the cart and periodically stepped away to touch something on a shelf.
“Look, they have a sale on those kids protein shakes that Athena liked from my parents’ place last time! It’s actually surprisingly cheaper over here, huh.”
“This is indeed a good deal on eggs.”
“Ooh, I’ve heard good things about this passion fruit moscato!”
“That is an absurd amount of toilet paper.”
“Oh, she liked these yogurts at Aunt Nicole’s place too, so maybe we should stock up.”
“Daddy, look! They have samples!”
Oh no.
“What exactly do these samples entail…?”
“Oh Severus, you say that as if it’s some insidious, evil scheme being run here in the aisles of Costco. This one looks like it’s just a chocolate biscuit of some sort…”
“Mummy, mummy!! Please, please, can I have one??”
“Yes dear, hold on. Hi, hello there. Oh, they’re called… choco pie? Yes, I’ll take one, thank you.”
“Thank you, mummy!”
“How does it taste?”
Athena stood in the middle of the Costco aisle and ate her very first bite of a choco pie. Her eyes lit up as she chewed one bite and then quickly took another bite and another.
“It’s the yummiest thing I’ve ever eaten!!” she squealed excitedly, practically vibrating with pure joy. She was basking in that specific flavor of bliss when you taste something delicious for the first time—when your eyes light up and you need to express your excitement to everyone around you. “The chocolate and the marshmallow is so squishy and yummy!”
“I’m so glad you like—” Hermione started saying fondly before she was suddenly interrupted.
“Another one! Please, Mummy, PLEASE!” Her eyes zeroed in on the last sample cup on the tray in front of them as she bounced in place. Her mother flushed a deep shade of red and started gently pulling her back.
“Athena, dear, let’s not,” she attempted to say calmly as she tried and failed to pull her daughter closer to her. Severus was standing several feet away next to the book section and looked like he was about to Disapparate away in the middle of a crowd of Muggles. He usually provided some support in these sorts of situations, but this seemed to be a Muggle issue that Hermione would better excel in. Before either of them could decide on their next strategic move, the older Asian lady behind the sample booth stepped in.
“Oh, don’t worry, dears!” she smiled a crinkly eyed smile that was suspiciously twinkling. “Of course you can have another one!” She beamed at the wide eyed little girl in front of her and presented her with the last little sample cup of choco pie. “The last one, in fact! And please enjoy it!”
This time, Athena squeaked a quick thank you before popping almost the entire piece into her mouth in one enormous bite. Hermione buried her face in her hands, but said nothing. Severus picked up a nearby book and pretended to thumb through it.
“Daddy!” she managed to garble out with her mouth full as she waved happily at Severus standing several feet away. He smiled weakly back at her and nodded. “I go’ de las’ one!” She licked a crumb from her finger after stuffing the last bit into her small mouth. Hermione pulled a tissue out of her bag and quickly dabbed at her daughter’s face and hands as she finished chewing. Thank Merlin she’s finally done now.
“Would you like to take a box home, sweetie?” Athena had just barely finished swallowing her last bite of choco pie before she was presented with an entire box of them. Her eyes widened a bit and a grin spread across her face as she reached out and accepted the box eagerly. She immediately turned to her mother asking with pleading eyes to place it in their trolley. Hermione nodded with a soft smile and a murmur of thanks to the employee.
The enabling, sample-giving Costco lady started to pack up her things at the booth. Her newest fan watched wistfully as she threw away the empty wrappers and closed the box of choco pies. She gazed fondly at her own, new box of choco pies and then back at the booth. Her mouth opened a fraction, as if she wanted to say something. But she closed it again with a thoughtful expression on her face. Hermione put an arm around her daughter’s shoulder and began steering her away.
POP!
“Oh my goodness!”
Fuck, thought Hermione as she heard the tell-tale sound of accidental and very underage magic behind her.
Salazar’s balls, thought Severus as he started calculating how long it would take for American ministry of magic officials to arrive.
CHOCO PIES! thought Athena as she turned around and saw choco pies popping out of the sealed box and filling up the sample platter once more. It was the most beautiful sight she’d ever seen in her entire five years of life.
“Severus!” Hermione hissed under her breath at her husband to come closer. “What’s the best course of action here again? I’m a little out of my element now. What do wizarding families usually do?”
Their daughter tilted her head and watched as another choco pie popped onto the platter before them. She clapped and squealed delightedly, as if the nice Costco lady wasn’t staring at the platter with her eyes about to pop out of their sockets. Others passing by were also definitely starting to notice.
Severus seemed surprisingly calm now and had one arm strewn casually over his wife’s shoulders. He stroked gently at her arm in an attempt to soothe her.
“It’s fine,” he drawled leisurely, as if there wasn’t a mountain of choco pies on the sample platter that was previously empty. “I believe the local officials should be here any minute now.”
His wife laughed nervously and began an attempt at convincing the Costco lady that this was an amazing magic trick they’d learned in British schools. “We’re very advanced, you see!” Athena giggled and nodded along.
It felt like it’d been ages, but in reality, probably a minute passed and two men in black suits walked up through the small crowd. They both wore black sunglasses, despite being indoors.
“Men in Black have arrived,” muttered Severus under his breath.
“Hello, are you with the American ministry?” Hermione blurted out immediately upon seeing them. At their simultaneous nods, she let out a dramatic sigh of relief. “Oh, thank Merlin!”
“Thank who?” The Costco lady was still standing there poking at the mysterious pile of choco pies.
“Can I still keep my box of choco pies?” whispered Athena as she hid behind her parents.
Hermione shushed her and tried to smile brightly at the two men in black.
“So anyway,” she started saying as they both took out some notepads from inside their suits. “Have you heard of the wizard named Harry Potter?”
—
(20 minutes later in the car)
“I can’t believe you used Potter’s name to get us out of that mess.”
“But it worked! Mummy’s the most cleverest witch of her age!”
“Oh no. No no, love, please don’t say that.”
Hermione gripped the steering wheel and prayed to the rubbish American car they were all seated in. Please allow me to get us all back in one piece.
“Bet you regret telling her what Lupin said all those years ago.”
“Shush, Severus, I’m trying to focus,” she grumbled. “Besides, it wasn’t me who told her. It was Harry, obviously.”
“Uncle Harry knows lots of stuff!”
“Not half as much as—”
“WAIT! Did we grab the disposable plates and utensils that Aunt Nicole asked for?”
“Mhmm, I grabbed it towards the back when you pointed it out.”
“Oh thank Merlin, I knew I married you for a reason.”
“You can thank your husband instead of Merlin then.”
“Thank you, Severus.” A dramatic air kiss was blown. “And now can we please have a bit of peace and quiet for the rest of the drive back?”
“Here’s a book you can look at, Athena.”
“Ooh, thank you, Daddy!”
The rest of the car ride back to Hermione’s aunt’s place was spent in blissful silence. There were just a couple pesky bicyclists that threw her off a few times. Damn kids on bikes.
Right as they pulled into the driveway, she let out a sudden gasp.
“What?” Severus turned his head sharply to look at his wife.
“I thought of how to end my manuscript!” She beamed back at him.
“Ah yes, nothing like a good drive to Costco to get those gears turning,” he said, rolling his eyes good-naturedly.
“But really though, I forgot how soothing driving can be.” She ran her fingers over the steering wheel, almost as if she was stroking a pet. “I was able to comb through my thoughts regarding the ending portion of my outline.”
“Of course you would say that about driving a death trap.”
“I love Costco! Can we go back again next time?” Athena chirped sweetly from the backseat.
Both adults turned to look at each other and their eyes met.
“Well,” Severus started. “You do have another manuscript draft due next spring…”
Hermione’s laugh followed her even as she opened the car door.