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Chapter Text

It’s a quiet evening at Chuck Norris’ home: him and his wife Gena have just been delivered their bucket of fried chicken for dinner, and are going to decide what to put on the TV.

Chuck enters the living room, where he is greeted by his pet Kodjak bear, which approaches him wagging his rear:

“You want a wing, huh? Sit… You good boy, here have some fried chicken…”

He then proceeds to check if everything’s fine in the fish bowl: a new great white has been recently introduced, while the poor sleeper shark, put there as a “janitor fish”, still is healing from the attack of the previous one. Chuck had stopped it from finishing off its tank mate just in time, and filleted it alive and barehanded to give it a lesson. Now a photo of him eating a rare chunk of great white shark meat was affixed as the background to the bowl, and the replacement shark seemed to have understood the lesson.

“You also good boy? Better for you to remain as such, or you’re going to become a good fillet… And now, onto the feeding.”

Chuck throws a raw quarter of a pig in the bowl, and the great white readily devours it, the sleeper scooping whatever remaining of its tankmate’s meal.

He then throws himself on the sofa, giving another quarter of the pig to his Kodjak, while searching for what’s on TV and streaming services this evening.

“Hmmm… Gena, I’d like something a bit cuter and softer this evening… Maybe some ‘toons…”

“You? A grown man with five kids and thirteen grandkids?...”

“Yeah, darling… I sometimes am in for some throwback to childhood. Hey, this one seems to be a good idea, there’s lots of cute, fluffy animals still doing some good brawls and action…”

Chapter Text

“Oh, you chose Disney’s ‘Robin Hood’ – Yes, a delightful movie, but ever since the internet exists, it has gained some… notoriety”, Gena said, with quite a malicious tone.

“Like me?”, asked Chuck, smiling.

“Not exactly like you, it has been for… the wrong reasons, I’d say.”

Chuck understood, and busted into a laughter so hard, it was heard as far as Africa, where hyenas immediately went ashamed of their comparatively pathetic ones and submitted, making him their pack leader.

“So, that Rule 34 is true… Tsk, the world truly is full of crackpots, ain’t it?”

“I don’t like to judge, but… It’d feel a bit strange to me.”

“Still want to watch it?”

“Let’s do.”

The movie started, and Chuck was actually happy with his choice:

“Hey, these fleabags are actually cute… But not that kind of cuteness it makes me wanting to roundhouse kick the TV into a supermassive black hole and then retrieve it just to roundhouse kick it there another time… Fuffy, my dear pet Kodjak… Stop licking me in the face, rather watch the movie: there’s one of your kin among the protagonists! Speaking of whose… That scrawny fox, what do they find in him those idiots? He even isn’t able to wear a freakin’ pair of pants, maybe that’s what they like in it…”

“But the rabbits are actually cute. Albeit, finding anything… attractive in this movie doesn’t convince me.”

“Yeah, rabbits are cute. That wolf self-proclaiming as a Sheriff is odious thought, when I was in the Army I went roundhouse-kicking criminals on the street, not being a criminal myself and stealing some change to baby rabbits! No honor at all, phooey…”

“Oh, there also is a vixen! I can bet…”

“Yeah, Disney-style… If they look alike, they are going to love each other at first sight, marry and live happily ever after. The only difference here is them being cuddly fuzzballs, which might make them somewhat more bearable…”

“She says she and the other fox actually has flirted one each other since childhood. Or kithood, or whatever…”

“Meh… At least some variety and some more sense than usual.”

“Still, that fox isn’t bad at swordfighting, huh?”

“Would I be there, a roundhouse kick and would have already became a pelt. But I actually loathe the wolf, that thumbsucking maneless lion and his snake lackey more than him, thus I’d spare the fox.”

“Look, now him and the vixen are fleeing together! I can bet on the last piece of fried chicken this is gonna lead to a love scene.”

“If it is, it’s all fo’ ya. If ain’t, we’ll do 50/50.”

“Oh, Chuck, that’s the kind of romanticism I like…”

Gena hugged Chuck in the same instant in which the love scene begun: Robin and Marian were now alone with each other, in the depth of the Sherwood Forest, and finally able to fully confess their mutual love. The scene was at its emotional peak: the two foxes were staring in each others’ eyes, filled with the purest, most unadulterated possible love, and Robin put the waterlily ring to Marian’s finger…

When everything stopped. The action, the music, the overall feeling, everything just braked to a sudden, crashing halt.

“Robin… You suddenly look strange.”, said Marian, in an unexpected turn of events.

“Marian… I can’t be with you.”

The vixen was so shocked, she even let the ring falling on the ground, the mouth gaping and the eyes wide open:

“Robin, if it’s just for my social status… I’m willing to renounce to everything for you, don’t worry – If staying with you and fighting for the poor people means I need to be outlawed too, I’ll then be outlawed. I swear!”

“No, Marian, it’s because of something you can do nothing about it. It’s in your own being.”

“That is?...”, asked her, on the brink of drying up her tearducts for the crying.

“You are a fox…”

“But we both are foxes! What’s popping in your head?!?”, asked her, yelling to him while baring her fangs.

“Marian… I’m not a fox…”

Chapter Text

“I’m a human! Trapped in the body of a fox, but I’m a human!”, was shouting Robin, dressed in his human fursuit, roaming through the streets of Nottingham in his desperate quest for someone able to concoct a potion or anyway doing something which could have realized his new, devouring urge to become a human.

This sudden, all-consuming obsession had made him completely distracting from his former deeds as a champion of the common people, and without him leading their struggle the situation had became tragic: in the daytime, the corrupt authorities were able to loot the poor people down to the last farthing; and during the night, what little was left was mugged by criminal gangs.

“Ha! Ha! Ha! Who needs a court jester, when I can just watch at the stupid fox dressing up as a human, tormenting everyone in the desperate search of a method to become one?!?”, shouted an extremely amused Prince John, drinking the finest wine while attending the grotesque spectacle whom formerly was his number one enemy was putting up.

“Ssssssssssssir, what if it’ssssssssss jussssssssssst one of hissssssssss trickssssssssssssss, feigning to have sssssssssssudenly gone mad sssssssssssso to make ussssssssssssss putting down our guard?”

“Hiss, shut up! He clearly actually has gone mad, he’s rumored he even is completely ignoring my niece after having kidnapped her from the archery tournament – Which actually isn’t a terrible thing, I need someone respectable to whom marry her, and all what he’s doing is making him a laughing stock even among the peasantry!”

“With your niece up to grab…”, told him Guy of Gisbourne, “I might finally propose me as a good candidate, right? My house needs heirs, and she wants to have at least twelve kits…”

“For sure, Guy”, replied the Prince, “you’re a gray fox and she’s a red one, but I see no problems in having half the litter of a species, and one of another… Right?”

“At least, I really like red vixens…”, said Guy, his voice filling with lust and greed, “Unlike some idiotic thug which now seems to only wanting going after human women!”

“Guy, he’s totally toast! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!! Sheriff, go out and… encourage some contribution from the stupid paesants, we need some wine and fancy food to celebrate!”

“I’ll do it, Sir. I’ll be here with the best cuts of meat and the sweetest pints of wine, and without having to pay for any of them. ‘Every town / has its taxes too’…”

“But when will I have my vix?”, asked Guy.

“Just wait a moment… My troops are patrolling the whole Sherwood Forest in search of her, just a few days and the marriage will be reality.”

“Thank you, Sir… I’m since now your humblest servant. Hey, long one… Pour me some wine… Cheers, Thyne Majesty Prince, King John indeed.”

“King John… I like this Gisbourne.”

“Like you did with that phoney Earl of Chutney?...”, asked Sir Hiss.

“No, he truly is likable, and I can totally feel like I can trust him. Cheers, Sir Gisbourne!”

“Cheers, Thyne Majesty!”

Back in the Sherwood Forest, an utterly desperate Marian was sitting under the waterfall, in tears, totally not caring about the water drenching her fur and dress while she was releasing all of her anguish and sadness:

“He… He… He… He suddenly abandoned us all, to just dedicate himself to this strange grotesquery… Dressing as a human, wanting to be one at all cost… What has happened to my Robin, to the hero of us, people of Nottingham?”

Skippy the rabbit, by now almost an adoptive son to them, tried to comfort her:

“Don’t worry, Mrs. Marian… Maybe, it’s just a moment, he will return to himself… For sure, by the moment by, we are in a dire position.”

“Yes… I must hide here, behind a wet wall of battering water, just to make myself unnoticed to my uncle’s guards, ready to kidnap me back into the boring life in the castle, forcing me into Guy of Gisbourne’s clutches… I thought I had happiness at a paw grab, and now? I’m here, alone, the love of my life gone completely mad… I might be the saddest fox in the world!”

“Marian, would I have to be sincere…”, intervened Little John, “…Robin’s transformation is too sudden to be something usual.”

Marian suddenly had a realization: “Wait, Johnny… It it’s not usual… I get it! It’s a wizardry!”

Little John was baffled: “Hmmm… Are we sure? I’ve never believed in any of these hearsays about magic, and witches, and the likes…”

“Come on, Johnny…”, replied Marian, “The signs are all over the place: no one suddenly go mad and totally change for the worst without having fallen victim to sorcery. My uncle and his lackeys are surely behind all of this… But luckily, I know someone which might help us!”

Chapter Text

The tea was brewing in the hut in the midst of the forest:

“W-W-W-Whom are you making your tasteless tea for?!?”, asked Archimedes the Owl, as nervous as usual.

“I can foretell”, replied Merlin, “someone very important is going to be our guest today – Someone from the Royal Family, I’d say.”

“Humpf… The megalomaniac warrior King? Or, even worse, his thumbsucking brother? I hate both of them, I’d rather lose all my feathers than having either as guests!”

“Archimedes! Shut up! Don’t let you tongue loose as usual! If someone’s gonna come, it’s because they need help…”

In that precise moment, someone knocked on the door.

“Oh, that’s our guest. Archimedes, please… No further world, you know which the penalty for treason is…”

Merlin opened the door:

“Good afternoon, Sir Merlin”, Marian greeted him, bowing, “I excuse myself for disturbing you, but we have a very big problem…”

“Maid Marian! I was waiting someone from the Royal Family, and you actually came…”

“Royal Family?!? This stinky bushtail is just mooching off her place in it! She’s just a ward! What kind of ‘royalty’ even is this one?!?”

“Archimedes!!! How you dare treating this poor lady like that?!? I’m sorry if you have been offended…”

“Sir Merlin, don’t worry – I’ve been hurt much more severely by my beloved…”

Merlin was stunned: “Robin?...”

“Yes…”, confirmed Marian, starting crying.

“But… you were the most loving couple probably ever seen… How could have it happened?”

“Sir, that’s the problem… I’m afraid that’s sorcery!”

Archimedes shouted: “It’s not sorcery, it’s you lovebirds being volatile and unpredictable as usual! Stop believing this nonsensical mush, and just leave us alone!”

“Archimedes! I’m going to stretch your neck… You’ll make for a good roast with potatoes!”

“Po… What?!?”, asked Marian.

“Oh, sorry… That’s one of those things from the future I can know, but you can’t. Just like the tea and Sandwiches I’ve prepared for us, they won’t be around for about four or five further centuries, but I wanted to prepare you a good welcome…”

“Thank you so much, but we unfortunately need to do it as quickly as possible – The people of Nottingham needs us!”

Merlin and Marian had their tea-time, something which won’t be known in England until the 19^th Century, but the time-travelling wizard had an early access to, during which they extensively talked about what was happening to Robin. She then led the way back to their camp, where she had agreed with Little John they would have brought back Robin, by force if necessary, from his quest to become a human.

“Glad you’re back!”, told Little John to Marian, while holding Robin tight in his enormous ursine paws, “he’s maniac! He tried stealing a sword from Otto the Blacksmith’s workshop because he wants to amputate his tail, and then I’ve had to hide the hatchet because he tried using it as well… I cannot recognize him!”

“This tail doesn’t belong to this body! I’m a human, how’s possible a human has a freakin’ tail sticking out his back?!? Let me amputate it!”

Marian was desolated by the spectacle, but even so she tried muster her forces:

“Don’t worry, I’m here with a reinforcement… Sir Merlin, you are welcome.”

Merlin entered the camp, coming out from the bushes:

“Well, this doesn’t seem to be an easy case… But I’ll do my best. Let’s use the baton, it might detect some of the magical forces in his body, if present…”

“He has no magical forces, he just is the usual extravagant, narcissist hero in one of his usual tantrums and in full-swing main character syndrome!”

“Archimedes! That’s too much! Now I’m turning you into a human…”

Robin went ballistic: “Turning into a human?!? Please, do it to me! I eventually have found the way to realize my dream! Thank you, Marian, for having found someone which can do it… You might be a stinky fox, but you’re the only animal I can still be friend with…”

Merlin immediately regretted saying it: “Sorry you all, it just ran out my mouth… But I anyway don’t see any sign of wizardry in all of this. This actually looks like someone actually being mad for love… But how’s possible?”

Marian felt to be called upon: “Well, it all started when we were having a romantic stroll here in the Sherwood Forest… It seemed like being the most romantic moment in our lives, when everything suddenly halted and he immediately fell into this madness. Have I caused all of this?...”

“Don’t worry, milady, you are innocent… I’ve understood what has happened.”

“Does he have some illness? Rabies, plague…”, asked a worried Skippy. “He even went wandering through the town, it’s something illnesses seem to make their victims doing to spread around… And I don’t want my sibling to become ill like him!”

“You are an intelligent young boy”, said Merlin, “but it’s something totally different, which you can’t understand: you see, in the future they will have these strange boxes, called ‘televisions’ or ‘TVs’ for short, and will be able to see ancient tales and legends through those. Many people have seen yours, and some have even went too far and ‘crushing’ on you, wishing being foxes like you… But this time, you’ve been watched by a person like no others: he’s someone which has counted to infinity, twice; when the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks under his closet for him; he can divide by zero; and this time, he did one of his facts again:…”

Chuck Norris has watched Disney’s “Robin Hood” and hasn’t became a furry; instead, it’s Robin Hood which now loathes being a fox, and desperately wants to be a human.

Chapter Text

Chuck Norris woke up that morning, and had his usual warm-up: repeatedly lifting up a large adult blue whale, throwing asteroids into Jupiter and then retrieving them for the following day’s warm-up, walking his pet Kodjak bear and the likes. But still, he was a bit downlet by his cinematic experience a few evenings before.

“Gena, you remember the ‘toon from a few evenings ago?”, asks his wife, while eating his raw saltwater crocodile Sandwich with abundant Pepper X sauce.

“Yes, it was pretty good… Until it stopped.”

“Oh, yeah… Seems like it went wrong, something strange had happened… It was pretty decent, I’d say even above the average for Disney, until the two foxes started suddenly arguing and everything was cut short. Meh, nothing to get strange… ‘crushes’ upon.”

Then, someone rang the door: it was the postman.

“Mr. Norris, there’s a letter for you.”

It was a roll of parchment, sealed with the Angevine coat of arms.

“That’s a strange letter… Since when have I to receive something from… I’d say… the Middle Ages?”

“Mr. Norris, I just am doing what I’m ordered doing by my higher-ups…”

“Boy, this is the latest a letter has even arrived, huh? Just give it to me, let’s see what strange kind of an archaeological manufact has been sent me…”

Chuck opened the seal just by angrily staring at it – It melted right away for the sheer terror.

“Huh, told it looked like coming from the Middle Ages, it even is written in medieval English… Gena, come here, I don’t want to hide anything from you, darling. Let’s see…”

Deareſte Syre Chucke Norriſe,

we, þe Peopelle of Nottinghamme, are feeling the urgente Oblygationne to wryte þe preſente Lettre to Þee, since a strange Inconueniente haþ happeneþ to none elſe þan þe Leadere of oure Reſiſtance againſte þe Tyrannye of Prince Johne, and his Lackeyes: it in Facte haþ beene hypoteſyzeþ by oure truſtee Aduyſore about Wizardrye and Sortileges, Merline of Glaſgowe, þat Robine Hoode haþ not begunne wantinge to become a Humayne becauſe of a Spelle as we initiallye þoughte, but becauſe he ‘cruſheþ’ upone Þee by seeing Þee from behynde þe Screene of what þou, People of þe XXI Centurye, calle “Teleuiſionne”. If þus can be poſsible to Þee to come and trye to conuince him gettinge backe to his Mynde, we wille be æþernallye gratefulle to Þee: Þou arſt oure laſte Hope aboute þis, and we are awaitinge for Þee, and Þyne moſt preciouſe Helpe. In þe name of all þe Peopelle of Nottinghamme – Þyne syncerelye,

Fryare Tucke.

Chuck Norris had a realization: both him and Robin having actually became Internet memes, they were bound to soon or later clash. And since ubi major, minor cessat – Wherever the strongest is, the weaker succumbs, clashing against Chuck Norris is warranted to spell disaster for everyone and everything else.

Chuck realized he had to do something:

“Gena, would you mind if I’ll be away for some time?”

“No, Chuck, don’t worry – I understand you feel the duty to give a hand to those poor people, and giving them back their happy ending.”

“Thank you so much. I’ll be back soon.”

Chapter Text

Robin had to be blindfolded and chained to a tree, just to avoid he might do anything strange in the case he had ever said that human – The one upon which he crushed, causing him to become obsessed to the point of madness in wanting to become one.

Little John was tasked with having to hold him back still, and as a further safety measure Lady Kluck also was involved into doing the same.

“One on a side, one on the other… And I hope it will work! This scoundrel seems like being able to even break those extra-thick chains, he’s willing doing anything to satiate his newfound obsession…”, she said.

“Dear fellow Glaswegian,” told her Merlin, “keep your wing steady and don’t worry, he’s no bigger or stronger than any of those rhino guards you just have defeated.”

“Yes, but problem is the mind might be stronger than the brawn… Anyway, someone is behind the bushes… Who’s there?”, shouted a worried Marian, afraid Prince John’s guards might be about to come out and capture all of them, taking advantage of Robin’s current weakness.

“It’s Mr. Norris here! Don’t worry, madam… I don’t randomly roundhouse-kick people like in some of the facts about me… But now, let’s not waste time: I guess, the dude in distress is the blindfolded fox in chains, right?”

“Yes, Sir Norris – Allow me to introduce myself: I’m Marian, and we’re betrothed – But obviously, in his current state, our marriage isn’t possible…”

“Sir Norris, if the marriage won’t go ahead… Marian, basically almost my adoptive mother, is going to be sold to Guy of Gisbourne!”, exclaimed Skippy, “and everyone else here risks being sentenced to death for rebellion and insubordination!”

Chuck was taking the situation seriously, but keeping his head cool: he knew he needed to put it blunt, and pull Robin out of his madness.

“That’s ok, I got him… So, good morning Mr. Hood. It was about the time we met, wasn’t it?”

“Sir Norris? Sir Norris?!? Yes, it’s Sir Norris here! Unblindfold me, I need to see him, the ultimate human, my final destination…”

“No, Mr. Hood – I’m not your final destination. You need to listen to me…”

“Yes, you are my final destination – I want to be exactly like you!”

“Shut up! Your final destination is dethroning that thumbsucking leech and bring back the peace and prosperity to your people! How’s that’s possible that just for a stupid whim you have abandoned all of them? Is it being a good person for you? Just look at yourself, now everyone is mocking you for this absurd craze! You want to become a legend, or just to become laughing stock? If you want to become the latter, keep on doing this; but if you want to become the former, stop this charade and go back fighting like you can! I’ve seen your archery and sword fighting skills – Dude, you can be amazing. And I know who are you fighting against: a shapeless mush of bullies going around plundering and starving the weak and the innocent, I just wanted to get into your movies much earlier and roundhouse kick them all – Phooey, I hate the frick outta ‘em! But I didn’t, and I don’t want to ‘cause I want to allow you to be what you actually are: to be a warrior, to be a hero, to be a champion of the people! What’s this idiotic ‘I-wantz-2-b-a-hoomanz!!1!’ thing?!? You are a hero, first and foremost: be it!”

Everyone went silent: Chuck Norris delivered his speech with such a sure, stern, firm tone, no one could speak or add anything to it.

Marian, albeit, was in the verge of crying, all while trying to comfort Skippy: but a tear had already fallen on their faces, and many more could have done the same if not for Chuck resuming his speech, while unblindfolding Robin at the same time.

“Look at your soon-to-be bride, and at your de-facto adoptive son – Do they look like being proud of you?”

Robin looked at them. Marian stared him in the eyes, like she did a few days ago, during the archery tournament, when he was about to be executed.

In that precise moment, he felt something in him: something like he was slowly coming back to his former self, the fierce outlaw and paladin he always has been, and now was about to become once again.

“Moreover,” Chuck followed on – “would you persist on this wrong path, Disney might be after you, and decide to… reboot you and your movie. They might make a horrible remake, and ruin whatever little has remained of you, your beloved ones, and all of Nottingham and its people.”

“Like they’ve done with Snow White?...”

“Yeah, Rob – You don’t want it, don’t you?”

Robin felt a sudden surge in himself, and then uttered:

“No! I cannot allow all of this to happen! Sir Norris, you are right – I just indulged a bit into a momentary feeling, I allowed myself being overwhelmed by some strange, passing thought. But my duty is now to take care, and if necessary to sacrifice myself, for Marian, Skippy and everyone else here in Sherwood Forest and in Nottingham. Please, free me: we need to go to the castle, attack and besiege it, and bring down Prince John and his tyranny. Grab some weapon, today we are going to make history!”

“Well said, dude!”, exclaimed Chuck Norris. “This is the Robin Hood we are proud of, ain’t him?”

“Yes!”, shouted everyone else, in unison.

“Let’s go and take the castle. Oh-de-lally…”

“…Oh-de-lally!”

Chapter Text

“Take the miniature, Father… This is an historical moment!”, told Robin to Friar Tuck, while he was capturing the moment on parchment.

Our heroes had just stormed the castle, taking prisoners the villains: Robin, Marian and Little John were respectively holding at knife point, kneeled down and the wrists cuffed behind their backs, Prince John, Guy of Gisbourne and the Sheriff, while Skippy was keeping Sir Hiss from behind the head.

“Sssssssssssss-Ssssssssssssss-Sssssssssssssssir… I was telling you… Robin Hood wassssssssssssssss jussssssssssst playing one of hissssssssssss dirty trickssssssssssssss on usssssssssss…”

“Hiss… Shut up… Or I’ll turn you into the Gordian Knot once again…”

“Hah... The dirty creep which lusted after me now seems to have lost all of his interest… When I went into the forest disguised as a page, me and Robin inadvertently started a fight, and always respected me for having kept him at bay for long… You on the contrary seem not being able to stand too much of a strong partner, huh?”

King Richard was returned precisely during the castle attack, and now had started talking with Chuck Norris:

“So, tell me, Sir Norris… Have they actually captured the culprits to all of this mess?”

“Yes, Thyne Majesty! I can testify, under oath if necessary… They’ve done a great job!”

“But still, you claim to be partially responsible for all of this?”

“Oh, it’s a strange story… Sir Robin got a… ‘crush’ on me, wanted to become a human, I thus felt the duty to help him returning to himself.”

“You are pardoned, Sir Norris – That’s something no one have wanted to happen in the first place. And now, let’s have a talk with those actually responsible for this!”

The King walked to his brother, taking a stately, solemn stride, perfectly befitting to that of one of the most important sovereigns in all the world.

“Oh, John… My ‘beloved’ brother.”, said as soon as he had reached him. “So, you tricked me going into war just to plunder my own people?”

“B-B-Brother… I can explain…”

“Explain?!? See what you’ve done! I came to people starving and begging on the road, it looked like England had just been raided by a revenant Hunnic horde! You are under arrest! And you, Marian, my niece? Are you ok?”

Marian kneeled, and everyone else with her. Then answered: “Yes, Thyne Majesty. But if you feel like for us having been outlawed was fair, we’re ready to pay the price of our actions…”

“To pay? On the exact contrary, you all are pardoned, England owe so much to you… Oh, and you, Sir Norris, you deserve a reward, too…”

“No, Thyne Majesty – I partially am on the contrary responsible for what had happened, and I anyway belong to the 21^st Century, where I should return, since I have a wife and eighteen between kids and grandkids… I must stay with my family.”

“A time traveler? Oh, you thus are a wizard like that… Merlin which I know has just returned to his hut in the forest, together with his crazy pet owl?”

“Yes… More or less… Oh, and I can do a trick for you, if you please…”

“Oh, I’ll be pleased, but before, I feel obliged to communicate: being by now a bit old and proved by the war, I’m going to abdicate in favor of my niece Marian – Now that you are Queen, you also are allowed to take Sir Robin in marriage as your husband, if you still wish…”

Marian immediately gave her hand to Robin: “Will you marry me?”

“Thyne Majesty… I almost abandoned you for a stupid, momentary whim… But if Thou want me as Thyne husband and Consort King, I’ll obey Thyne will.”

“Rob… You can just treat me as usual. I’m not like some deity or the likes, I just am a fox like you having received the responsibility upon all of the English people… which I hope I can fulfill with honor and dignity.”

The crowd was enthusiastic, and they all cheered on their new sovereigns: “Long live Queen Marian! Long live King Robin! Long live the Kingdom of England!”

“And now,” stated the outgoing King, mainly addressing Friar Tuck, “onto your church – We need some formalities to be attended…”

Marian and Robin were married and crowned in the same Mass, where they also officially adopted Skippy, and made him the Crown Prince. Mother Bunny was obviously extremely proud of her son, and absolutely agreed for the Royal Couple to adopt him.

During that evening’s banquet, in the Castle of Nottingham, Marian, Robin and Richard had a last talk with Chuck Norris:

“Sir Norris, you promised us a trick… What is that?”

“Well, you know… Since those four scumbags needs being get rid of, I can use a signature move of me to completely and definitely take them out of the picture. And without spilling any blood.”

“Which is?”

Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked them into the air, on a trajectory clearly directed towards the ocean.

Prince John, Sir Hiss, Guy of Gisbourne and the Sheriff of Nottingham landed in the waters of the Atlantic Ocean, off the coasts of Denmark.

“Humpf… Some says there’s something rotten in the state of this country…”, said to herself Ursula, the sea witch, “but in this case, the smell from my cauldron is very tangible… What’s happening here, I hope it’s not the stupid little mermaid desperately wanting to become a human girl once again…”

“Ursula! Don’t talk to us about characters wanting to become humans once again!”

She was quite struck by the spectacle, but still tried to keep her composure: “Prince John! Dear fellow Disney villain… What has happened to you?”

Him, and his allies, upon landing still had so much momentum they sank down to Ursula’s cave and finished into her cauldron, which instantly had turned them into mermaids; or, to be more precise, into a merlion, a mersnake, a merwolf and mergrayfox.

“Well, we’ve basically messed with Chuck Norris and… You know what happens when you dare to do it. Mommy! Humpf… I also got a salty thumb.”

Meanwhile, back in Nottingham, everyone was relieved they eventually had been able to get rid of their villains once and for all: “Wow! Thank you, Sir Norris… Oh, allow me to present myself… I’m Alan a-Dale, a minstrel, and my job is to tell how it is, or was, or whatever… And I since now want to also sing about your facts and deeds as well.”

“You have my permission. But now, sorry, but I should return to my Century. See you, guys!”

“See you! And thank for all what you’ve done for us, Sir Norris!”, thanked him Queen Marian.

While Chuck Norris was exiting the castle, Alan thus started singing his new work, “Þe Goode, Olde Chucke Norriſe Factes & Deedes”, to the Royal Couple and all the people of Nottingham:

“There’s a lot of heaps and legends about Robin Hood, but in all respect, about Chuck Norris there’s only proven facts and truths…”

I actually am mainly a musician, thus why not try putting into music at least some Chuck Norris facts? I'll put them as I've adapted and set to a tune by my own, if you want to sing them accompained by a guitar, 'ukulele or keyboard instrument feel free about it.

[This piece is regularly registered and copyrighted at SIAE (Società Italiana Autori ed Editori, Italian Society of Authors and Publishers). Every abuse is punishable by Law, but their use for performances and concerts can be authorized if agreement is reached beforehand - Please, contact me via mail in case of necessity.]

Chapter Text

“Oh! Chuck! You’re finally home… Do I have to prepare you the dinner?”, asked him his wife Gena upon his return.

“No, honey, thank you… I’ve already eaten at the banquet.”

“Huh?”

“I helped the people of Nottingham sorting out the mess, and they invited me to the banquet to celebrate… Now the movie should be ok.”

“Oh, I was checking out on the TV and it is… But I have to break you a bad news about Fuffy.”

“Our good boi of a pet Kodjak?”

“Ehr… Unfortunately, yes… He has started acting strange.”

Chuck Norris went into the living room, where he found Fuffy holding a vacuum cleaner hose on his nose:

“I’m a mammoth! Trapped in the body of a bear, but I’m a mammoth!”

Chuck Norris went into a silent, simmering rage, and told Gena: “Sweetie, you know? The sharks are enough as pets…”

And he immediately let the rage explode, and roundhouse-kicked the Kodjak back into the Alaskan wilderness: he had enough of it, and didn’t want to hear about anymore.

When Chuck Norris steals the show, the show develops Stockholm Syndrome. And Chuck Norris gets acquitted anyway, because he only can make it even more awesome.