Chapter Text
Artie was in a bind, both figuratively and literally. Tonight was supposed to be the night, his night. It was going to be so perfect, from the concept to the planning to even the location, everything would go back to the way it was.
The 10th of December 2024, that was the day it all changed, the day when Artie lost all purpose, the day when nothing made sense anymore, the day… Harrod became his friend.
For decades now Artie had been involved in a fiercely competitive prank war with his long-time rival, but after one of Harrod’s pranks ended up saving his best friend June’s life he stopped pranking him entirely and even insisted on being his friend. He couldn’t take it, even in his dreams he couldn’t get away from him. No matter what he tried he couldn’t get Harrod to hate him again. In fact, every single scheme he tried only seemed to endear his life-long adversary to him more! But tonight that was going to change, tonight he was going to finally pull off the prank that reignited the spark and got Harrod hating him again; Or so he had thought.
Everything had gone wrong. Somehow Harrod wasn’t drunk despite Artie spiking his beer with 5 shots of vodka, he’d walked into the wrong bathroom with him, accidentally exposing Zoey and her girlfriend Amber and ultimately he ended up stuck to his own glue trap with his own girlfriend Zola walking out on him. Now he sat, jeans around his ankles, in the toilet of a bar waiting for anyone to come and rescue him. But it didn’t matter. Somehow, although Artie didn’t fully understand why, Harrod hated him again.
Initially, he was elated. Sure he had no idea why he was on Harrod’s bad side again but it didn’t matter, right? However, as he sat there he began to ponder why he wanted Harrod to hate him in the first place. He thought back to the joy of creating elaborate tricks to catch Harrod out, the excitement of always being on his toes looking out for Harrod’s next move, the one-upmanship that came with 20 years of history. If you took the pranks out of Artie’s life what did he have? A dead-end job? A high school diploma? He had Zola too but since that day their relationship hadn’t been the same. As much as it pained him to admit it he needed Harrod and it seemed like Harrod didn’t need him.
There it was, that feeling again. A numbness in his core, his heart heavy with longing. It wasn’t supposed to go like this. He was supposed to remember how fun it was to be rivals and he would come back with a prank even more ludicrous and crazy. This was supposed to fix him, make him feel whole again, so why did he still feel so broken?
It was at that moment that Artie had an epiphany. He didn’t need Harrod to hate him.
He needed Harrod to be obsessed with him.
If Artie could become the most important person in Harrod’s life again then surely the feeling would go away. Surely Artie could feel like himself again. Artie needed a prank so good that it made Harrod love him and hate him at the same time. He needed something that would force Harrod to get him back. He needed the greatest prank in history.
Artie breathed a sigh of relief, he had chased the feeling away, even if momentarily. He had something to work towards, something to hold on to. But first, he had to figure out how the hell he was going to get unstuck from this toilet.
Harrod Jones was fine. I mean sure June had disappeared after talking to a guy that looked suspiciously like the sleazy co-worker that his brother had warned him about. Sure he’d been led by Artie into the women's bathroom and possibly ruined his relationship with his best friend forever. Sure he got into a fight with his friend Artie and stormed out of the bar but it was all fine; Because he was Harrod. Nothing affected him, he was always the chill guy who could be friends with anyone, even his former enemy Artie.
“Artie.” Harrod muttered under his breath
It had all been his fault. If he didn’t pull him away to the bathroom he could’ve stopped that seedy bastard from taking advantage of her. He could’ve-
In a moment of clarity, Harrod stopped himself. What was he doing? He’d been keeping an eye on June all evening (as a thoughtful friend of course) and he’d only seen her with one drink. He knew that she wasn’t drunk. He knew that she made that decision in her right mind, and that was what hurt him the most. Here he was, Harrod the supposedly loyal and caring friend trying to control his ex and taking out his anger on his friend Artie. This wasn’t the Harrod Jones style, he thought pushing himself off the wall he was leant against.
“From now on, I’m going to be an even better friend to Artie,” Harrod half-drunkenly proclaimed to no one, stumbling home.
“Wonder where Rocky went anyway.”