Chapter Text
Colin: Do you have any plans for dinner?
Pen: No, why?
Colin: I’m coming over
Penelope stared at her phone with a slight frown. There were many, many words she could use to describe Colin Bridgerton, but ominous certainly wasn’t one of them. Spontaneous, yes, and this definitely wasn’t the first time he had been spontaneous and sprung an impromptu dinner visit on her. But his texts normally weren’t so… Forward. There was normally a sense of ‘I hope you don’t mind that I’m doing this but also I’m doing it either way’ when he would text to say he was coming over. That was normally the vibe all of the Bridgertons had, and Penelope would do, she’d known the family for more than half of her life.
Oh god, that made her feel old.
Penelope wasn’t sure which fact to panic over more, Colin’s out of character text or the fact that she’d known him so long- been in love with him for so long- seriously how had she been in love with him 15 years? What the hell?
She wasn’t sure how long she went down that spiral for, but there was a knock on the door that finally brought her out of it. Penelope opened the door to find Colin standing there, a box of pizza and a bottle of wine in hand. She hated the way her heart did a little flip at the sight of him.
“Chicken and mushroom pizza?”
“Yup.” He grinned.
“From Pizza Express?”
“Of course.”
“Let me guess- you got extra garlic dough balls?”
“Obviously.”
“And is that a bottle of… Rose?”
“I’ve got all the ingredients for a perfect night!”
She narrowed her eyes at him. “You want something.”
“What?” He gaped at her. “Why do you- Can’t a guy just get pizza and wine for his best friend without wanting anything?”
“They can.” She acknowledged neutrally. “ You, however, don’t.”
“I do nice things for you all the time!”
“Yeah, but pizza and rose? You always go for that combo when you want to butter me up.”
“I don’t think that’s-”
“What was it last time? Oh right, you needed me to drive you to the airport at 3 in the morning. ”
“Fine, I needed something from you then-”
“And the time before that, you needed my help getting neon green goo off of your walls- which you never actually told me how that got there is the first place-”
“Okay, so there’s a slight pattern here!” He admitted. “But for all you know I’ve just decided I was in the mood for mushroom and chicken pizza and rose.”
“Colin.” Penelope couldn’t hold back her amused smile. “You don’t even drink rose.”
“... Alright fine, I need a favour.” Colin finally admitted and Penelope’s grin shifted to something more victorious. He muttered as he entered her flat, “but remind me to buy you pizza and wine more often.”
She sat next to him as he set the pizza down and opened the lid, she poured herself a glass of rose before grabbing a slice. “So, what’s up?”
“You know that thing I have to go to this weekend?”
Penelope wracked her brain. “The influencer thing?”
He groaned. “Don’t call it that, Pen.”
“Colin, you have two million instagram followers, I’ve had fan accounts dedicated to your abs request to follow me before.” Penelope told him. “If that’s not the life of an influencer, I don’t know what is.”
“I’m sorry, fan accounts dedicated to my what? ”
“Oh yeah, they exist, Colin. Multiple, actually.”
“I knew I cut down on instagram for a reason.” He mumbled before looking at her and taking on a teasing facial expression. “Tell me, Pen, how many times have you looked at those accounts?”
“Oh my god, shut up.”
“You’re not saying you haven’t looked at them,” he smirked.
“ Colin.”
“Still not hearing that you haven’t looked!” He laughed as she shoved the pizza box in his direction.
“Shut up and eat your pizza.” Penelope could feel the heat burning in her cheeks. She may have looked at those accounts once or twice… but she’d die before she told him that. “And for the record, I still don’t get why you’re so against being called an influencer.”
“I don’t know, it feels so important. And I’m basically an old man when it comes to social media, I lucked into getting my following, being an influencer is a young person thing. I didn’t even know TikTok wasn’t just a Kesha song until three months ago.”
“Be that as it may, you still have tons of instagram followers, you have influence, hence why people call you an influencer.” She paused and then started laughing.
“What? What is it?”
“Sorry, it’s just- I mean, you’re right, you’re an influencer who can barely use social media.” Pen giggled. “You have to admit, that’s kind of funny.”
“Can we get back on track, please?” He deflected.
“Yeah of course, sorry.” She said. “But uh- just for the record- you didn’t luck into your following, you worked hard to build your fanbase, you’ve gotta give yourself some credit, Colin.”
There was a moment, and then he smiled at her, she felt her cheeks go red. “Thanks, Pen.”
“Anytime.” She replied, bringing her glass of wine to her lips. “Now, seriously, what do you need?”
“Oh right, that. ” He chuckled nervously. “I need you to pretend to be my girlfriend.”
Penelope choked on her wine.
Colin cringed. “... Maybe I could have built up to that a little bit more.”
Between coughs she sputtered out, “you think?”
“Sorry, Pen, my bad.” To his credit, Colin did sound genuinely apologetic. Penelope was having a hard time caring about that fact.
Several seconds later, she’d finally managed to get herself together, and she looked at him incredulously. “Why on earth do you need me to do that?”
“You know that fashion influencer, Cressida Cowper?” Penelope nodded. “Well, basically, every time I see her she bugs me about my dating life and whether or not I’m single. She won’t leave me alone, it’s super annoying-”
“Not to mention harassment.” Penelope frowned.
“Yeah, it’s not great.” Colin admitted. “But today, we were both at this meeting about the event this weekend, just a quick briefing on how everything’s gonna go down, and once it was done she started saying the same stuff she says every time, how we need to collaborate, how good we’d look together, and I sort of just said I had a girlfriend without thinking.”
“Okay,” Penelope said slowly, “so go on a dating app? Isn’t there that celebrity dating app, Raya or something? You’d find a date in no time.”
“Probably… But I may or may not have said that my girlfriend’s name is Penelope?”
“What?! Colin!”
“I’m sorry! She asked me what my girlfriend’s name was and yours was the first one I thought of!”
… Okay, Penelope definitely wasn’t going to look into that one too much.
“Right.” She allowed her brain to go into problem solving mode, it was a hell of a lot easier than overthinking what Colin just said. “Did you say that your girlfriend’s name was Penelope Featherington or just Penelope?”
“Just Penelope.”
“And did you show her a picture of me?”
“No.” He gave her a confused frown. “Why?”
“Because then there’s an obvious solution.” Penelope told him. “Just find someone on a dating app and ask them to pretend their name is Penelope.”
He stared at her incredulously. “Are you being serious? You think that’s the obvious solution?”
“Please.” She scoffed. “You’re you, Colin. If you asked a girl to pretend her name is Penelope, not only would she do it, she would probably legally change her name.”
“I think you overestimate how much people like me.”
“And I think you underestimate how much people like you.” Penelope countered. “Seriously, your fans would literally do anything for you.”
Colin frowned at her. “So you’d rather I ask someone to pretend to be you rather than just pretend to be my girlfriend yourself?”
“Well, in fairness, they don’t need to pretend to be me specifically, they just have to pretend their name is Penelope.”
His grimace only deepened. “I didn’t realise pretending to be my girlfriend would be that awful.”
Her eyes widened as she realised all the wrong conclusions Colin must have been coming to. “No, Colin, that’s not- I don’t think it would be awful.”
It would be the exact opposite of awful, and that was part of the problem.
“So, what is it then?” He asked, voice somewhere between confusion and frustration.
“It’s… Well, first of all, it’s not that I think pretending to be your girlfriend would be difficult.” Penelope clarified, happy to see some of the tension leave his shoulders, not quite all of it, but it was still progress. It was true, pretending to be Colin’s girlfriend would actually be embarrassingly easy for her, she’d been doing it in her head since she was ten years old, she was more or less an expert in this field. “It's nothing to do with you at all, actually.”
“It’s not?” He raised an eyebrow in her direction. “What is it then?”
“It’s just- Colin, if you need a girlfriend who gets Cressida off of your back, then you’re going to need someone who can really grab everyone’s attention, a person who really knows how to steal the show, someone that people take notice of when they walk into a room.” She explained.
She could tell by the furrow in his brows that he wasn’t exactly following her train of thought. “Right…?”
“Colin, that’s not me.” Penelope told him with a smile that she hoped wasn’t too sad. “That’s never been me. I’m the wallflower, remember? You need someone who’s memorable and I’m- well, I’m about as close to forgettable as you get. I stick to the corner and I like it there for the most part. I don’t- I’m the one who notices people, not the one who gets noticed.”
Penelope wasn’t entirely sure how she expected Colin to react, but she certainly didn’t think he would look so murderous, his eyes darkening with anger by the second. “You’ve been spending too much time with your family.”
“I have not.” She scoffed.
“Your mum and your sisters are the only people who make you say stuff like that.” Colin pointed out.
“They don’t make me say anything-”
“So it wasn’t your mum or your sisters who called you forgettable?” He asked with a light glare. “Which, you aren’t, by the way.”
Penelope rolled her eyes as she admitted with a note of reluctance, “... it might have been Prudence. I had lunch with my family a few days ago.”
“I knew it.” He said, lip curling ever so slightly with disgust. “You know that’s bullshit, right? You are far from forgettable, Pen.”
“It doesn’t matter if it’s right or not.” Penelope said and, because Colin knew her annoyingly well, he saw through her deflection instantly. He opened his mouth, surely to protest, so she kept talking before he got the chance. “Colin, you don’t get it. I’m not actually insulting myself-”
“You literally just called yourself forgettable.” He said, unimpressed.
“Okay, fine, aside from that, nothing that I said was that bad. I don’t mind being the person in the corner, and I don’t love the wallflower title, but it’s not wrong either. None of it is bad, it's just… Who I am.”
Penelope used to hate it when she was younger, couldn’t stand the way she would get so tongue-tied at every little interaction. She used to wish she could be good enough to get people’s attention, but the older she got, that confidence never came. With time, Penelope realised that she could actually be quite witty when she wanted to be, she could hold a conversation just fine, but only with certain people. So, maybe not everyone knew who she really was, but they didn’t need to. The people that mattered did, that was enough.
“It’s still all wrong, what you said.”
“Colin-”
“You said you don’t get noticed by people, and that’s simply not true. You’re the first person I look for whenever we’re at the same events because, like you, I also enjoy being in the corner. I enjoy having a laugh with you at the edge of the room, it’s the only good part of these boring things. So, maybe not everyone notices you, and that’s their own fault, but you can’t say that about me. You’re always the first person I notice.”
Penelope felt her cheeks heat up, she tried to play it off by going for a slice of pizza. “You’re still trying to butter me up so I’ll agree to this ridiculous thing.”
He caught her wrist, his face screamed serious. “I wouldn’t lie to you. Not about this.”
She caught the look in Colin’s eyes, the one that made her feel like she was the only girl in the world. Like she mattered to him more than anyone else. That look always made her feel a tad conflicted. On the one hand, it was the perfect look to indulge her in all of her fantasies of Colin returning her feelings. On the other hand, it was the perfect look to enable her in all of her fantasies of Colin returning her feelings. It made her hope for a dream her heart had been trying, and failing, to squash for years.
“Thank you, Colin.” She murmured, shaking off the grip he had on her wrist. “I appreciate that.”
“You don’t have to thank me for telling you the truth.” Colin shrugged, popping a garlic dough ball in his mouth.
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Penelope asked, because frankly, if they continued down the path they were on and Colin kept complimenting her, she feared might genuinely spontaneously combust. “Me pretending to be your girlfriend, I mean. You know the internet is going to have something to say about that.”
The internet already had plenty to say about them just being friends. For the most part, it was positive, although that was mostly because Penelope’s instagram was private. She could filter what she heard. Penelope certainly knew that there were people who did not like her, simply for existing in Colin’s world, for being liked by him. She’d received her fair share of dms calling her every name under the sun. It was easier to deal with now, it had been a few years, and Penelope knew how to handle herself. And more than that, she knew better than to listen to the trolls. Frankly, she had enough insecurities without listening to the idiots of the internet, to the members of the cult that was twitter- or X- or whatever the hell it was called now.
Penelope could deal with it, she could. But if the internet thought they were dating?
It would all get about a thousand times more intense.
“I’m pretty private with my relationships.” He said casually. “The only reason I posted so much with Marina when we were together is because there were brand deals, promotions and stuff like that. Apparently couple content really sells. But yeah, I’ve been really private about my relationships on social media ever since we broke up.”
Penelope felt the urge to point out that Colin hadn’t actually been in a relationship since Marina, but decided to stay quiet. What good would that actually do?
“I don’t need to post about you on social media or anything if you’re not comfortable with that. We can go to this convention together, lay low for a while after that, eventually the internet will assume we broke up. If I really need to, I can always release a statement saying that we decided we’re better off as friends and that we’re still good and all that fun stuff.”
Penelope blinked. “You’ve… Really thought this out.”
“Well, duh.” She could see how he held back an eyeroll. “I do actually think things through from time to time, you know.”
“Well…”
“Hey!”
“I’m kidding. Mostly.” Penelope teased, eyes sparkling with amusement. In an instant, Colin’s words began to really catch up with her and she found herself fidgeting with her fingers as she plucked up the courage to ask, “so uh- is she going to be there?”
“Is who going to be there?”
“Marina.” She clarified. “Just- since you mentioned her, I was just thinking- I mean, she’s an influencer too, surely she would have been invited to this thing.”
“Oh.” He looked at her blankly. “Umm… No, I don’t think so. I mean, I have no idea, but I imagine she’s not going. She’s always taking her retreats off somewhere in the world. I’m pretty sure she’s somewhere in India next week.”
“Right.” Penelope gulped, searching her brain for anything she could say to dissolve the awkward tension that she had somehow created. Penelope sighed. “You really want me to pretend to be your girlfriend, don’t you?”
“More than anything.” Colin answered without missing a beat. Penelope usually loved the sincere quality of his voice. It was a nice change of pace to talk to someone who knew what he was saying and meant it. No tricks, no games. Right now, however, that genuine thing in his voice made her want to wring his neck. Just a little bit. It was truly impossible to say no to him. “I mean, of course if you’re uncomfortable with the idea, you do not have to say yes at all. I’m sure I could always go on a dating app, like you said. Or I could just suck it up and go to this thing alone. Deal with Cressida and all of her stupid fucking comments.”
“No. you’re not going to do either of those things.” Penelope said, resigning herself to her fate. She sighed, a new sense of determination making its way into her system. “Okay, if we’re going to do this, we’re going to do this right.”
The speed at which his face lit up was honestly adorable. “Really? You’ll do it?”
“Yeah.” She smiled, his reaction definitely made it worth it. “I’m in.”
“Yes! Oh, thank you, Pen! I promise you, we are going to have the best weekend ever!” He cheered, pulling her into a hug.
“We better.” Penelope joked, wrapping her arms around him, revelling in the warmth of his embrace.
“We will, and that is a promise.” Colin said smugly. Suddenly, she saw his expression morph into one of pure joy and pride as he got down on one knee in front of her, taking her hand in his.
“Woah, what are you doing?” She asked, heartbeat speeding up. “I agreed to be your fake girlfriend, not your fake fiancee. And even if I had agreed to be your fake fiancee, this would still be unnecessary-”
“Of course it’s necessary, Pen. What kind of fake boyfriend would I be if I didn’t ask you to be my fake girlfriend?”
She rolled her eyes, though she couldn’t hide the fondness behind it. She made a little gesture with her hands. “Go ahead.”
“Pen, Eloise may hog you all the time, but you’re my best friend. You know me better than anyone else in this world and I’d like to believe I know you better than anyone else too. Even Eloise, despite what she says. You’re my favourite person, Pen. And there’s no one else I’d rather ask this question to.” Colin grinned at her, giving her hand a squeeze. Penelope felt her heart rate increase ten fold, and just as she was about to let herself float away into the clouds, he asked the question that kept her anchored to reality. He opened his palm and revealed a dough ball. “So, Penelope Anne Featherington, will you accept this garlic dough ball and be my fake girlfriend?”
Fake girlfriend.
Fake.
Right.
Penelope scoffed. “God, that’s so cheesy.”
“Actually, I would say that about the pizza, not the dough ball.” Colin smirked at her.
“You are actively making me want to say no right now.”
“What? No! You can’t say no to dough balls!” He protested.
“You make a good point.” And now Penelope was the one smirking. She plucked the garlic knot out of his hand. “I accept, I will be your fake girlfriend. But just know, I’m mostly in it for the garlic dough balls.”
“Hey, I’ll take it.” He beamed, leaning up and kissing her cheek.
Penelope found a squeal involuntarily leaving her lips. “Colin!”
“What? We’re about to be a fake couple, might as well get used to a little bit of pda.” He smiled at her and her heart fluttered. “We’ve totally got this.”
Oh god.
She was royally screwed.