Work Text:
It was a Wednesday. I remember so clearly, despite the haziness of it all. J was laying next to me, messy hair splayed over the bed. So fast asleep I doubt even an atomic bomb would wake him.
I was awake, however. Fingers tapping on my knees, anxious as I always was. I was staring at him. Many nights were spent doing this, wondering to myself why I found my scrawny bandmate so irresistible. So… attractive.
I still remember the first time my eyes met his. I felt almost unworthy of meeting his gaze. Meeting the gaze of a guy who exudes such coolness. He was so cute I could feel my legs start to give out beneath me. Now here I was. Sleeping in the same weak, creaky bed as him. Though I couldn’t fall asleep. Not when this was one of the only chances I’d get to see him like this. See his form while he’s not whipping his guitar around.
Suddenly, though, I heard a familiar groan. He was waking up.
“Mmmm… why aren’t you asleep yet?” J murmured, tapping my knee. He looked up at me, eyes droopy and blinking slowly like he was still half-asleep.
“Got a lot on my mind.. uhm…” I responded, though I really shouldn’t have. With J, I feel like most times it was best to keep silent.
“Oh… okay.”
There was silence. For some reason I was expecting more of a reaction. For him to ask me “why? Are you okay? Can I do something to help clear your mind?” But of course those were nothing but fantasies. I was lucky to even see him smile.
“You cold like that, man?” I asked. He was laying there with no blanket I had noticed. After lots of overthinking, I decided that was the best thing to say at this time. It was either that or more awkward silence.
“Eh… a little bit… I mean… could you get me a blanket?”
“You directly asked for something… praise be to god” I giggled a little at my own dramatics. Arms up in the air. J chuckled too. That’s when my face heated up. “Uhm…here”, I quickly sprung up from the bed and got a blanket from the nearby closet. I stood over J, blanket in hand. Without much thought, I stepped closer and wrapped it around him.
My face was so close.
I could feel his breath hit my face.
It was warm.
My heart felt warm.
And that’s when he spoke.
“That’s better…” he mumbled. Letting out a small hum of contentment as he laid down.
“Sleep, Lou. Cmon-”
“You look cute.”
“Huh?”
(Shit. Why did I say that? Whatever, Lou… just roll with it.)
“That blanket wrapped around you and all… you look adorable”.
“Oh… thank you…” J didn’t look me in the eyes when he said that like he had before. He was hiding something. It wasn’t until I caught a glimpse of his face through his thin sheet of hair that I realized… he was blushing. “You should get a blanket.. I’d hate to see you cold…”.
I could feel myself start to blush too. “Or we could just… share?”
“Why? We ha…”
It all happened so naturally.. falling into his arms. I felt like everything I’d ever done had let up to this moment.
J seemed a little shocked at first, but quickly arranged himself so that the blanket was wrapped around both of us, and that his arm was around my waist.
The way he gazed down at me.
He knew what he was doing.
The way he rubbed his thumb along my exposed skin signalled that well.
“Here…” he took my glasses off and placed them on the bedside table. “Now you can fall asleep easier”.
“Huh?” I was genuinely confused what he meant by that.
“It’s harder to see my ugly face”. He laughed in his typical dry fashion… but I couldn’t tell if he was joking.
“J… I already-“
“You said you think I’m cute… I know…”
Something in the room shifted… and so did J. He pulled me closer so that I could feel every beat of his heart, and so he could feel mine. And to my surprise, his heart was beating just as fast as mine. Feeling it in that moment was like getting a small glimpse into his inner workings. That was the one thing about him… he was very… mysterious. Yeah… let’s use that word.
“J…” my voice was no lower than a mouse squeaking.
“Yeah?”
“Tell me what you’re feeling right now.”
As soon as I said that I swear I heard a small “damn” come from him.
“I feel like I wanna… wanna do something.”
I froze. I was barely able to make out my next sentence, “what is it you wanna do?”.
“I don’t like saying… I like doing.”
My eyes lit up in anticipation. I couldn’t make out much, but when I realized what was happening, I nearly had a heart attack.
Soon enough he was kissing me.
Soon enough he was on top of me.
Soon enough his hands were under my shirt.
He whispered in my ear “don’t tell Murph”. Which I replied with “not like I would” before everything became so hazy I could barely form a coherent thought.
J is sexy in a weird way. He’s so caught up in his self-deprecating cocoon to realize how beautiful he is. And I could tell by the way he gazed down at me through it all that he could see, in my innocent brown eyes, a love so strong.
~~~~~~~
I think looking back… J couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle all the implications of being with me. So he just lost it. He burst out of his cocoon and instead of becoming a beautiful butterfly, he cut off his own wings along with mine.
Those nights that we spent not thinking of those implications were, however, the best days of my life. He didn’t say a lot, but he made up for it in everything else.
Now I’m here. Angry at him. Angry at myself. Writing all these stupid songs hoping if I get all my thoughts about him out there through music, it’ll all go away. But it hasn’t. And it never will.
There’s a billion ways I could try and describe how much I want him.
And there’s a billion and one ways I could try and describe how much I hate him.
But no matter what, my words do nothing. Because when J loved me, it wasn’t the words I thought about, it was the feelings. The desires, the pleasure.
And when he started to resent me, the words did hurt, but the guitar he hit me with hurt a hell of a lot worse.
~~~~
The next morning I was awoken by that man. That man that now hates me. And he was beautiful. A beautiful mess. A beautiful loser.