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Yachi Hitoka was never the daughter her parents expected. She knew that when her mother was pregnant, she had been hoping for a boy. Her father, too, would have liked a boy; a son who could one day take over the business he was opening. When Hitoka was born, pink blanket instead of blue, her parents loved her all the same, but that didn’t stop them from trying to have the son they wanted.
They were never able to conceive again.
So Hitoka remained an only child. Her mother did everything she could to socialize her, but Hitoka was always shy. Making friends was difficult. Her mother, who always dreamed of raising and spoiling a child of her own, was never able to plan the extravagant birthday parties she always dreamed of, as Hitoka had very few friends to invite.
Her mother signed her up for every extracurricular activity offered, but Hitoka never excelled at any of them. Acting lessons; the only thing Hitoka could do well was the crying (and she cried during all the scenes, not just the sad ones). Gymnastics; there were so many ways to get hurt that Hitoka always gave up before she even tried. Debate; more crying.
Her father always insisted that Hitoka just hadn’t found her calling, but her mother was growing tired (though she did her best to hide it, for Hitoka’s sake). Her father was always a little softer on her than her mother was.
Though Hitoka never excelled in extracurriculars, she always made sure her grades were perfect. She was a straight A student, and she never asked her parents for help on homework. She always solved her problems herself. It worked well to make her parents proud, a feeling that Hitoka greatly cherished.
The joy her mother felt when Hitoka announced she signed up to be a volleyball manager for the boys’ team her first year of high school was unlike any emotion Hitoka had ever seen on her mother’s face before. Hitoka felt proud of herself, finally able to give her mother something she wanted. It was a feeling that she wanted to feel over and over again.
Wrapping her in a tight hug, her mother smiled. “Oh, Hitoka, that’s just lovely.”
Her father patted her back. “That’s my girl.”
Hitoka never meant to join the team; she was caught off guard when an upperclassman, Shimizu Kiyoko, asked her to join. Face flushed bright pink and unable to breathe, Hitoka signed her name onto the paper, hardly processing what the girl had asked of her.
“Come by our practice after school. That way you can decide if you like it or not.”
Hitoka only nodded, unable to form words.
Joining the team was the best mistake she ever made.
That first practice was terrifying; Hitoka nearly keeled over on the gymnasium floor several times. All of the guys were so big and scary and they all wanted to talk to her and it was too much . But Kiyoko had wanted her there, asked her to do this favor.
“Quit pestering her,” Kiyoko batted them all away with ease. “You’re going to scare her away.”
Kiyoko stuck close by her for those first few practices and allowed Hitoka to adjust to the new environment at her own pace.
Eventually, though, Hitoka did adjust.
Her first friend came in the form of Yamaguchi Tadashi, one of the first years on the team. Yamaguchi spoke very kindly to her and tried to hunch over to make his height less frightening. Kiyoko taught Hitoka about volleyball most of the time, but Yamaguchi also helped her learn. Hitoka found him funny, always hiding a laugh behind her palm when he would make a witty comment about a teammate. He always tried to get her to join in on his teasing, but she would insist that she couldn’t speak that way, all while giggling.
Her next friend was Hinata Shouyou, arguably the least scary person on the team. He was only a little taller than Hitoka herself and had a habit of making a fool of himself. She admired his determination to play despite his height. The first time she saw him jump, her eyes nearly fell out of their sockets; if she had to trace her love of volleyball, she would trace it back to that moment. Seeing Hinata, who was considered an underdog by definition, fly like that changed something in Hitoka.
Kageyama Tobio was a challenge to befriend; both him and Hitoka had poor friendship skills. Hitoka thought he didn’t like her for a long time, but she found out that was just his natural expression. When she got to know him, she discovered that beneath his hard shell, there was something gentle about him. Far beneath his hard shell, but it was there nonetheless.
Tsukishima Kei was the last of the first years that Hitoka befriended. She was intimidated by him for a while, with his height and monotonous demeanor, but Yamaguchi assured her that he was a good guy. She learned that Tsukishima just expressed friendship differently; he never felt the need to fill long silences with mindless chatter, but he was always there to listen if he was needed.
Once Hitoka warmed up to the team, she wondered how she was ever afraid of them. They very quickly became a family to her; everyone always had her back. When boys from other teams would try to hit on her, her team (especially Nishinoya and Tanaka) would always run them off.
The captain and vice-captain, Sawamura Daichi and Sugawara Koushi, were especially attentive to her. Sawamura always bought her (and Kiyoko) an extra snack when he got the team snacks after practice, and Sugawara always made sure she got to her bus stop safely.
“Yachi, here,” Sawamura snuck her an extra meat bun, out of view from the team. “Don’t let those delinquents know, or they’ll run my pockets dry.” He gave her a smile, patting her gently on the shoulder. “And one for you, Shimizu.”
“Thank you, Sawamura-senpai.” Hitoka said politely, which caused both Sawamura and Kiyoko to laugh slightly.
“You can call me Daichi, it’s alright.”
“Everyone does. Daichi doesn’t like all the formalities,” Kiyoko added. Hitoka’s eyes went wide, afraid she accidentally offended him.
Sawamura swatted at Kiyoko lightly. “I don’t hate it, don’t say that.”
“Sorry, sorry,” Kiyoko giggled. Hitoka’s heart fluttered in her chest.
“Yacchan! Are you ready to head to the bus stop?” Sugawara called for her.
She had never felt more loved.
One morning, Kiyoko stopped Hitoka in the hallway on the way to class. Startled, Hitoka nearly dropped her books.
“Easy, Hitoka-chan,” Kiyoko smiled sweetly and placed a steadying hand on her shoulder. “We are planning a team lunch for this Saturday. You should come.”
Her heart squeezed in her chest. Kiyoko wants her there! Hitoka hoped that Kiyoko couldn’t hear her heart pounding.
“I’ll be there, Shimizu-senpai! Thank you for inviting me!” She bowed, face bright red.
“You’re sweet, Hitoka-chan,” Kiyoko said as she walked off to go to class, Hitoka watching in awe as she left until she remembered she had her own class to get to.
Hitoka didn’t understand why she still felt so nervous around Kiyoko; she wasn’t afraid of her! Whenever she was around, Hitoka could hardly form words. Her heart rate would pick up and she would feel an almost instinctual need to hide, like fight or flight had kicked in. Her mouth would become dry and she would become hyperaware of all of her insecurities, hoping Kiyoko wouldn’t notice them as well. It was a strange mixture of feeling like she was dying and feeling more alive than she had ever felt.
Hitoka was confused.
“Hitoka, dear, would you like a ride to go see your friends? Your father can drive you to your lunch,” her mother knocked on her bedroom door. Hitoka had just finished getting ready, nervously brushing her hands down her outfit. She opened her bedroom door, facing her mother.
“Yes, please, if it’s not an inconvenience.”
Her mother grabbed her shoulders lightly. “It’s no problem, Hitoka. We are happy you are finally coming out of your shell. Your father is ready to leave when you are.”
She got a similar speech from her father in the car.
“You know, Hitoka, I always told your mother that she needed to stop worrying so much. You just grow at your own pace, and that’s fine. Look at you now, you’ve got a whole team of friends,” he smiled warmly at her.
Hitoka felt a mix between embarrassment and love. Embarrassment because her parents were praising her for finally making friends at 15 years old, and love because she finally felt like she was making her parents happy. Hitoka tried to convince herself that she really was just a late bloomer, and from then on out she would be able to live a normal life. She may not have been the son that her parents wanted, but she would work hard to make them proud.
“Just text me when you’re ready to go home, Hon,” he leaned across the center console to give her a hug. “You have the money we gave you?”
“Yes, dad.”
“Alright, kid, I love you. Be safe. Call me if you need anything.”
“I love you too, dad.”
The third years planned to have the lunch in a small ramen restaurant in the city. When Hitoka arrived, everyone else was already inside waiting. Kiyoko came to greet her when Hitoka texted her that she made it to the restaurant.
“Hi, Hitoka-chan. We’ve got a table saved. We didn’t want to order without you.”
Hitoka frowned. “I’m sorry if I kept you waiting!”
Kiyoko’s eyes went wide. “No, Hitoka-chan! You’re okay, I promise. We haven’t been waiting long at all,” she gave her a reassuring smile. “You’re right on time!”
Kiyoko led her to the back of the restaurant where several tables were pushed together to make room for the whole team. Everyone was absorbed into their conversations. Sawamura and Sugawara looked over the menu together. Nishinoya and Tanaka took turns throwing torn up napkins at Asahi. Hinata and Kageyama bickered back and forth. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima made fun of them. Ennoshita and Narita spoke calmly to each other, every so often interrupted by a kick in the shin from Kinoshita, who pretended not to know what was going on. Everyone looked up and smiled once they noticed the two girls walking over, waving at them.
“Hi, Yacchan!” Hinata cheered.
“You’re here!” from Yamaguchi.
Blood rushed to her face, embarrassed from all the attention. Kiyoko tugged on her arm lightly, leading her to the two empty seats at the table.
“I saved a spot next to me.”
Hitoka’s brain malfunctioned. She wants me to sit by her! “Thank you, Shimizu-senpai.”
Everyone took their time looking over the menu, but when everyone else was ready to order, Hitoka still hadn’t decided what she wanted.
“Have you been here before?” Kiyoko asked her quietly, so as to not draw attention from the table. Hitoka shamefully shook her head. “It’s alright. The shio is really good, that’s what I get.”
“I’ll try it too, then.”
Kiyoko smiled at her.
Hitoka wanted to keep seeing her smile again and again.
Lunch went by too quickly, and before she knew it, Hitoka was heading back home again. She had an amazing time with her friends, talking and laughing and not overthinking in the slightest. Everyone made her feel so comfortable and included, and having Kiyoko right next to her was an extra layer of safety. Ever since meeting her, Kiyoko instantly took Hitoka in under her wing. Hitoka felt so lucky. Meeting Kiyoko and joining the team all happened by chance; if Hitoka wouldn’t have been there at that exact moment, Kiyoko could have asked someone else. And Hitoka would still be alone.
That night, Hitoka laid in bed, unable to fall asleep. She kept replaying all of her favorite memories with her team, heart so full of warmth. She thought about that one time Tanaka tried to teach her how to play, and how he cheered so loud when she managed to serve the ball to the other side of the net. That time when she and Yamaguchi played a prank on Tsukishima, hiding his glasses from him. The time Hinata dropped his after-practice meat bun on the concrete so Hitoka gave him her extra one. Sitting up, she grabbed her phone off the bedside table and opened her messages with Kiyoko.
[ Hitoka, 11:49PM ]
I had fun today. Thank you for inviting me!
Not waiting for a response, Hitoka put her phone back up and closed her eyes, stuffed bear clutched to her chest and butterflies in her stomach.
Hitoka and Yamaguchi were studying together in his bedroom. There was a test coming up that they were both anxious for. Tsukishima denied the invite, preferring to study at his own home. Hinata and Kageyama never study, so they denied the invitation as well. Hitoka was nervous at first; this was the first time she had ever been to a friend’s house, but Yamaguchi made her feel right at home. They both sat on his bed, legs crossed.
They tried many different study methods for a while: flashcards, silent reading, and even watching video lectures over the topics. It was productive. Yamaguchi’s mother brought them snacks, so they decided to take a break.
“I’m kind of glad it’s just us,” Yamaguchi said, munching on a piece of fruit. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”
Alarm bells started going off in Hitoka’s mind, instantly thinking of the worst case scenario. What if he tells her he doesn’t want to be friends anymore? What if he tells her the team doesn’t want her to be the manager anymore and they couldn’t find the right time to tell her? What if, what if, what if?
“Earth to Yacchan,” Yamaguchi said with mild concern, waving a hand in front of her face. “Relax, it’s okay.”
She took a deep breath, collecting herself. “Sorry. What did you want to talk about?”
Yamaguchi’s face turned pink. “Well, I just… like this person. And I don’t know how to tell them… I was wondering if you had any advice?”
Hitoka felt like she was going to be sick from anxiety, and, without thinking, she blurted, “I’m sorry, Yamaguchi-kun, I don’t like you like that!”
He covered his face with his hands, turning even pinker. “No, Yacchan! It’s not you! It’s… it’s Tsukki. I like Tsukki.”
“I’m so sorry for assuming!” Hitoka wanted to disappear off the face of the Earth. How could she make such a fool of herself?
“I’m sorry too! For coming off that way!” He ran his hands down his face. “I just… don’t know how to talk about this. That I’m… gay. I haven’t told anyone other than you. I don’t know what I’m doing.”
She placed her hand on top of his. “It means a lot that you are telling me. I won’t tell anyone else, I promise.” She heard him sniffle, but decided it was best, for his sake, to pretend not to notice. “So, you like Tsukishima-kun?”
“I don’t want to ruin our friendship. I’d rather just get over it silently than risk weirding him out.”
Hitoka frowned. “I think you should tell him. Maybe he likes you back; you won’t know unless you try. And if he doesn’t, he doesn’t seem like the type of guy who would be weirded out by it, especially not by you. You’re his best friend and he cares about you, in his own Tsukki way.” She nudged him slightly, earning a small smile.
“I’ll think about it. I think I still need to come to terms with the fact that I’m gay before I go out boyfriend hunting. I didn’t even know before him, y’know.”
Hitoka’s mind wandered. “So, Yamaguchi-kun, how did you realize? That you were… gay. Or, that you liked Tsukishima?”
A long silence filled the room; Hitoka thought maybe she overstepped. Finally, Yamaguchi spoke. “I just, it was a lot of the cliches, y’know? Loved spending time with him, he could always make me laugh, butterflies in my stomach, all that. I would overthink every small gesture that he did; holding the door for me, saving me a seat on the bus, that kind of stuff. At first I just thought, this is how you feel about a best friend, but then I imagined all those scenarios but with Hinata, and I knew I didn’t feel the same way about him.”
Hitoka’s entire life changed that night. When she went home after studying with Yamaguchi, she was unable to sleep. All she could think about were his words. Loved spending time with him . She thought about all the time she would spend with Kiyoko at practice and how she looked forward to seeing her every day. He could always make me laugh . She thought about the quiet jokes that Kiyoko would whisper to her, teasing their friends, and how Hitoka’s stomach would hurt with laughter. Butterflies in my stomach. She remembered that first day Kiyoko spoke to her, asking her to join the volleyball team, and how her stomach was doing flips.
Oh, God.
The next practice after that night was different. Hitoka was more reserved, similar to how she was during those first few practices before she got more comfortable. Everyone noticed, but they tried to give her space. Kiyoko tried talking to her, but all of her responses were short.
“Hey, Hitoka-chan, is everything okay,” Kiyoko asked while sitting next to her.
Hitoka’s shoulders were nearly to her ears, hunched nervously. “Yep! All good!” She gave Kiyoko a nervous laugh, making the older girl frown.
“Alright, but you know you can talk to me if something is bothering you, right? You can always count on your team to be here for you.”
It hurt Hitoka’s heart.
When the team went for their after-practice snack stop, Hitoka turned down the meat buns Sawamura tried to buy her, unable to stomach food. He watched her with a sad look in his eyes.
All of her teammates chatted with one another, laughing and having a good time, but Hitoka stood alone. Kiyoko approached her.
“Hitoka-chan, Sugawara asked me to walk you to your bus stop tonight. He says that he’s not going that direction today,” she gave Hitoka a once over. “I’m ready to go whenever you are.”
She gulped, nodding. “We can go now. Or I can go by myself, if it’s out of your way. I’ll be okay.”
She gave Hitoka a small, sad smile. “I don’t mind. I want to make sure my kouhai gets home safely, it’s my job as your upperclassman and your friend.”
They both said goodbye to the rest of the team, and then they started heading towards Hitoka’s bus stop. It wasn’t very far, less than ten minutes, but the team always felt obligated to make sure Hitoka was safe getting home.
“So, Hitoka-chan…” Kiyoko started, Hitoka’s anxiety instantly spiking. “You’ve just been… off today. I just wanted to make sure everything was okay. I thought maybe you were too nervous to talk in front of everyone.”
Hitoka found it so sweet, but it also made her feel sick. She wanted space, still trying to figure everything out. “Really, Shimizu-senpai, everything is okay. I think I’m just tired today. Thank you for asking.”
“We care about you, Hitoka. Try to get some rest tonight.”
When she got home, she curled up in her bed, head resting on her knees that were pulled up her chest, arms wrapped around them. In the matter of a few days, she had started to question her entire life. She was frightened by it.
Her mother often spoke about how she was excited to be a grandmother some day. Hitoka always felt as if it was her way of getting to raise the child that she never got to experience with her own daughter. As an only child, Hitoka felt obligated to fill her mother’s wish one day. Hitoka was the only one who could make her parents into grandparents, a milestone that so many people dream to reach.
Hitoka had never been interested in dating; she could hardly even make friends, much less flirt with someone. Strangers scared her. The only guys she was ever close to were the ones on her team, and she could never see herself dating any of them. She didn’t like any of them like that.
Then, hearing Yamaguchi talk about his feelings towards Tsukishima, it reminded Hitoka of herself. It reminded her of Kiyoko.
“I like Shimizu,” she whispered quietly into her knees. “I like Kiyoko.” A tear slid down her cheek.
She had never felt about a man the way she felt about Kiyoko. Not on television, in movies, in books, nor at school. Hitoka had never considered that this would be a possibility, not liking men at all. She always imagined that she would eventually fall in love with a man, just like every woman in every movie she had ever seen. Just like her mother wanted. She could give her mother the grandchildren she dreamed of, perhaps to say sorry for being such a disappointing child to raise. She assumed that she was a late bloomer, just as her father always said, and in the end, she could be the normal child her parents had always hoped for.
But perhaps she was just a different type of flower entirely, and while waiting for her to bloom, they were looking for all the wrong things.
Her life had always felt like one failure after another, and this was no different. Hitoka had no idea how to tell her parents, or if she even should. Would they be heartbroken? Angry? Disappointed? She cried harder, desperately trying to stay quiet.
Perhaps she was jumping to conclusions, Hitoka tried to convince herself. Maybe she could like a man, and just hadn’t yet. That would be okay. She was sure her parents could accept that. Hitoka knew she was lying to herself, but she was so desperate for any type of comfort. She wanted to hold on to any sense of normalcy that she still had left.
She really needed to talk to Yamaguchi.
“So, Yamaguchi-kun, is it only men that you like, or women too?” Hitoka asked during another study session, propped up on his bed with books all over.
He rolled his eyes with a fond smile. “I already told you, Yacchan, I don’t like you like that. Don’t worry.”
She huffed, nudging him with her socked foot. “I’m just trying to understand you better!”
Yamaguchi let out a laugh, batting her away. “Fine, fine! Only men, why?”
Hitoka shrugged, trying to keep her face unaffected. “How did you know? That you didn’t like women, I mean.”
An understanding look, exactly the kind Hitoka was afraid of, crossed Yamaguchi’s face. “My whole life, I just never looked at girls that way,” he explained delicately. “I always thought there was something wrong with me, especially when the boys in my grade started getting girlfriends. It never appealed to me.”
“Aren’t you afraid? Of disappointing your parents? Not that I think you’re a disappointment!”
“I guess in some ways I am afraid. It was a lot worse when I was first coming to terms with it. I didn’t even tell you until like three months after I realized I liked Tsukki,” he shrugged. “I think my parents may be a little sad, especially since I can never give them grandchildren the ‘normal’ way. I still haven’t come out to them, I’m not ready for that, but I think that if they love me, they would be okay with it, even if it takes time to adjust.”
Hitoka bit her lip. “What if they didn’t support you?”
Yamaguchi frowned. “I don’t know. I just have to take things one step at a time. Luckily I have friends, like you and Sugawara-san, who I can talk to. So I have a support system.”
Hitoka’s eyes widened. “You told Sugawara?! Congrats!”
“Yeah, he was, uh, really understanding,” a small, sly smile pulled at his lips.
Hitoka was sitting at the dining table, eating dinner with her parents. Her mother had cooked them all a meal one Saturday night.
“So, Hitoka, tell me. You’ve been on this volleyball team for a while now. Are there any guys who strike your fancy?” She had a casually teasing tone, but it made Hitoka’s heart stop in her chest. “Surely there’s at least one!”
“Well, not really, I guess.” An awkward chuckle. “We’re all just friends.”
Her mother smiled at her. “I’m only teasing you. Though, you spend a lot of time with that Yamaguchi boy. Who knows, maybe you’ll have a little boyfriend in your future.”
Hitoka let out another awkward laugh, a smile painted on her face.
“You should invite him over for dinner sometime, Dear. As a friend,” her father added, winking. “We’ve only met your team once, at that game we went to. Maybe you could have them all over.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Hitoka said, wanting the conversation to be over.
Her mother sat her fork down, face serious. “You know you’re allowed to date, right? I don’t want you to think that your father and I will be strict about it. You’re in high school now. As much as your father would like to claim you can’t date until you’re 30, you’re old enough to make these decisions.”
Hitoka understood that it should be a comforting statement, but it only served to make her more nervous.
“I know, mom, really. I just haven’t been interested in anyone, that’s all,” she choked out.
“Alright, Dear, I just wanted to make sure. You can come to me with anything, I was a teenage girl once, just like you. I wish you would lean on me more, I love you.”
It was such a devastating thing to hear. Hitoka blamed herself for the distance she felt from her parents, her mother in particular. Hitoka always had a difficult time connecting with her mother, though she knew her mother always tried her best. Hitoka was the one to blame. She was the one who was so fundamentally different that she could do nothing but wall herself in. She never understood exactly why she was different until she spoke with Yamaguchi. She wasn’t sure what was worse: not understanding what was wrong with her and being left to wonder, or knowing exactly what was wrong with her and having to face it head on.
“I’m feeling a bit tired tonight. I think I’m going to head to bed early,” Hitoka excused herself after a few minutes. She needed to be alone.
“Alright, Hon, sleep well,” her father cooed at her.
“Goodnight, Dear,” her mother added softly.
As soon as she stepped into her room and closed the door, the tears started to fall. She collapsed onto her bed, the plush pillows softening her fall. Her bed was always her safe space, covered from top to bottom with fluffy pillows, soft blankets, and stuffed animals from her childhood that she could never get rid of. She wrapped herself in her softest blanket, pulling her favorite stuffed animal into her arms.
“I wish I could be the daughter they want,” she whispered into the top of the doll’s head, trying to muffle the sound. “I wish I wasn’t so afraid of myself.”
Her eyes drifted to her phone, and she debated on texting Yamaguchi, but she decided against it. This wasn’t something she was ready to talk about.
Hitoka spent an entire month stuck in limbo. She knew that Yamaguchi was concerned about her, but he never confronted her about it. She was grateful. She spent many nights sick to her stomach, stuck between wanting to bury herself alive, and with her, her secrets, and wanting to confess her self discovery to her parents like a sinner confessing to a priest.
Eventually, things got easier. Yamaguchi continued to vent about his growing feelings for his best friend, and just listening to him talk made Hitoka feel less alone. He slowly came out to more and more of the team, and everyone reacted well. They never made a big deal out of it. It made Hitoka feel normal.
Being around Kiyoko still set Hitoka’s entire body on fire, agonizing and all-consuming, but she couldn’t get enough of it, like a drug. Every smile Kiyoko gave her grabbed Hitoka by the heart, squeezing until it started to crack.
Hitoka wasn’t stupid. She knew that Tanaka was head over heels for Kiyoko. As much as Kiyoko tried to act unaffected, Hitoka knew she liked him back. She stomped on the evil, green monster inside of her before it could even take root. It wasn’t fair to Tanaka, and certainly not to Kiyoko. Hitoka would be supportive if they ever got together. She would even play matchmaker if it came down to it; Kiyoko deserved to be happy.
“Yacchan, we need to talk,” Yamaguchi said, pulling her aside at practice. They were far enough away that no one could overhear.
Clearly, Hitoka wasn’t as subtle as she thought she was.
“You know I’m always here to listen if you have something to tell me. Or if you have any questions to ask me. We are friends, you can talk to me about anything.”
Hitoka brushed him off. “I don’t know what you mean, Yamaguchi-kun,” her voice shook.
He frowned, eyes filled with a deep sadness. “Yachi, please. I hate seeing you like this. I’m not here to make any assumptions, I just want to let you know that I am right here if you need me. I could help you. This might be something that I am familiar with.”
“I thought you weren’t making assumptions,” Hitoka wasn’t sure why she became so defensive, but her walls were high.
“I’m not.”
A tense silence overtook them, neither friend speaking. Hitoka was about ready to walk off and return to practice when Yamaguchi finally spoke.
“We are friends, Yacchan, and that means that I love you. For exactly who you are. No ifs, ands, or buts,” he pulled her in for a tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” she apologized, unsure of the reason. It just felt like the right thing to say.
“You’re okay,” he promised before letting her go.